All Episodes

Season 4 Episode 1
Fun Run

Every line from The Office episode "Fun Run", season 4 episode 1.

Michael Scott: Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. (walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed) This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. (sighs) She probably won't be up for a few hours.
Michael Scott: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. (slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood)
IT Tech Guy: You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam Beesly: It was for a video.
IT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam Beesly: A celebrity sex tape.
Jim Halpert: Really, what kind of celebrity?
Pam Beesly: Not relevant.
Jim Halpert: How much did you pay for it?
Pam Beesly: Not relevant.
Jim Halpert: You paid for it?
Pam Beesly: It all happened so fast.
Jim Halpert: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody.
Pam Beesly: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again.
Kevin Malone: Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? (looks at Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.
Kevin Malone: Are you kidding me?
Pam Beesly: And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.
Jim Halpert: Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.
Pam Beesly: Cool.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Well have fun with that.
Michael Scott: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK.
Stanley Hudson: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar Martinez: So she's really going to be fine?
Michael Scott: Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse.
Pam Beesly: Thank God you were there.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Did you see who did it?
Dwight Schrute: No need we can just check the security tapes.
Michael Scott: Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim Halpert: Who was driving?
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael.
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Dwight Schrute: It's only Meredith.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight Schrute: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael Scott: It was an accident.
Dwight Schrute: Was she talkin' back?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
Pam Beesly: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin Malone: Who's we, you and Jim?
Pam Beesly: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I bet you ask?
Pam Beesly: I was planning on it.
Kevin Malone: I bet you were.
Pam Beesly: Angela?
Oscar Martinez: (whispers to Kevin) Subtle.
Kevin Malone: What
Pam Beesly: (to Angela) Are you coming?
Angela Martin: I can't, Sprinkles is sick.
Angela Martin: She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles.
Angela Martin: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?
Pam Beesly: Can't your other cats keep her company.
Angela Martin: There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques.
Pam Beesly: Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job.
Angela Martin: (sighs) All right!
Michael Scott: My lord my liege.
Ryan Howard: Yes Michael?
Michael Scott: So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?
Michael Scott: So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan Howard: Back? Why is that Michael?
Michael Scott: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan Howard: Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael Scott: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in...
Ryan Howard: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?
Ryan Howard: (sigh)
Ryan Howard: People keep calling me a "Wunderkind"; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word.
Angela Martin: Hey D.
Dwight Schrute: Hey monkey, what's up?
Angela Martin: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.
Dwight Schrute: Sure.
Angela Martin: I have to visit the alchy.
Dwight Schrute: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.
Angela Martin: I wouldn't put it past her.
Dwight Schrute: So what do you need me to do?
Angela Martin: I wrote it out.
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm.
Angela Martin: There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.
Michael Scott: Ok, I have an announcement.
Oscar Martinez: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael Scott: No.
Phyllis Vance: You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim Halpert: Oh good, so we don't have to work.
Pam Beesly: OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1.
Michael Scott: So, like a freedom tree.
Pam Beesly: I can take 3 people.
Jim Halpert: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar Martinez: (to Kevin) Separate cars.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.
Michael Scott: Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
Pam Beesly: I...
Michael Scott: Excellent!
Pam Beesly: I was thinking that we...
Michael Scott: Good work Pam.
Pam Beesly: But...
Michael Scott: Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley Hudson: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!
Michael Scott: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.
Michael Scott: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
Kelly Kapoor: She looks awful.
Michael Scott: No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault.
Jim Halpert: I think she's awake.
Michael Scott: No... She's in a coma.
Nurse: No.
Michael Scott: OK... Meredith, (hauntingly) Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.
Meredith Palmer: At the same time.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Stanley Hudson: Hello Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: This is weird.
Michael Scott: Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. (wraps them around her IV) Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... (IV pops out) Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!
Kevin Malone: Whoa!
Michael Scott: Nurse.
Meredith Palmer: No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in.
Michael Scott: (groaning) I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke.
Jim Halpert: I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it.
Nurse: What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.
Meredith Palmer: Thanks.
Kevin Malone: (applauds)
Phyllis Vance: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith Palmer: No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton: Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What...
Meredith Palmer: I have no idea.
Creed Bratton: Oh. (laughs)
Meredith Palmer: Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Meredith Palmer: Michael, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Angela Martin: No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness.
Michael Scott: Well, just shhhh... just just...
Meredith Palmer: You cracked my pelvis
Michael Scott: Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
Meredith Palmer: You're not forgiven.
Michael Scott: Come on. (starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Pam Beesly: Michael! Michael!
Meredith Palmer: (screams)
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Angela Martin: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hey monkey.
Angela Martin: Any problems?
Dwight Schrute: Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.
Angela Martin: What!?
Dwight Schrute: Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Angela Martin: Sprinkles.
Dwight Schrute: That was the sick one, right?
Angela Martin: Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Angela Martin: Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?
Dwight Schrute: Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.
Angela Martin: (sobbing)
Dwight Schrute: So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place.
Angela Martin: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.
Angela Martin: (still sobbing)
Pam Beesly: (to Angela) It's gonna be OK.
Michael Scott: OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just...
Pam Beesly: Michael, Angela's cat died.
Michael Scott: Sprinkles?
Angela Martin: (nods)
Michael Scott: (sighs) Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.
Michael Scott: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious.
Michael Scott: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar Martinez: Like what?
Michael Scott: Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Toby Flenderson: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies.
Pam Beesly: That's cool.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Angela Martin: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight Schrute: She's only a cat.
Angela Martin: You never... you don't like them.
Dwight Schrute: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight please!
Michael Scott: Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?
Dwight Schrute: No, I have not.
Michael Scott: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.
Dwight Schrute: I do not respect her, but I will go.
Michael Scott: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs...
Michael Scott: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby Flenderson: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael Scott: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley Hudson: I'm... um, Catholic.
Michael Scott: OK.
Darryl Philbin: Presbyterian.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Pam Beesly: Oh me too.
Darryl Philbin: Oh?
Pam Beesly: (puts hand up for high five) Same religion.
Darryl Philbin: Alright! (high fives Pam)
Phyllis Vance: I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela Martin: That's why we're cursed.
Creed Bratton: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
Michael Scott: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly Kapoor: That's Buddhist.
Michael Scott: Are you sure?
Kelly Kapoor: No.
Michael Scott: What are you?
IT Tech Guy: Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.
Michael Scott: OK, 1 Sikh, and...
Dwight Schrute: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.
Dwight Schrute: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Meredith Palmer: Don't pull any plugs.
Intern: How are you doing Ms. Palmer?
Meredith Palmer: Better.
Intern: Excellent.
Dwight Schrute: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?
Intern: Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but...
Dwight Schrute: Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?
Meredith Palmer: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.
Dwight Schrute: Just doing my job.
Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Meredith Palmer: And a rat. Separate occasions.
Michael Scott: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. (sighs) And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead.
Kelly Kapoor: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael Scott: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine.
Jim Halpert: I will do some research.
Pam Beesly: I can help you with that.
Dwight Schrute: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.
Michael Scott: Oh God, Rabies?
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?
Dwight Schrute: No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something.
Michael Scott: This place is so cursed.
Dwight Schrute: Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw.
Michael Scott: (walks out into the office) I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Jim Halpert: Six of one, really.
Michael Scott: Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! (Kevin claps) Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.
Michael Scott: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?
Kevin Malone: (Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying) Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste!
Pam Beesly: (Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road) I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. (Jim gets into the passenger side) Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. (Jim leans over and kisses Pam) Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.
Pam Beesly: Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.
Michael Scott: Pro-Am.
Pam Beesly: Pro-Am race for the... They hung up.
Michael Scott: A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.
Stanley Hudson: (on the phone) No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?
Michael Scott: Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?
Stanley Hudson: Zero.
Michael Scott: Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.
Andy Bernard: Isn't that your money?
Michael Scott: That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, it's coming.
Michael Scott: Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
Kevin Malone: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Kevin Malone: You cannot make me run.
Michael Scott: OK. (walks away)
Kevin Malone: It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it.
Michael Scott: Alright, alright.
Kevin Malone: You didn't run for me...
Michael Scott: Shhh...
Kevin Malone: ...when I thought I had skin cancer.
Michael Scott: I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Kevin Malone: No.
Michael Scott: OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant.
Kevin Malone: I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.
Michael Scott: Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.
Andy Bernard: (in bathroom) I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. (tapes a cotton ball to each nipple)
Andy Bernard: Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. (Angela starts to cry)
Angela Martin: This is Sprinkles. (holds up a picture) She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, (picture of Angela holding Sprinkles) just a couple of kittens (starts to cry) out on the town.
Angela Martin: Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.
Pam Beesly: What's wrong?
Angela Martin: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.
Pam Beesly: Hmm...
Angela Martin: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.
Pam Beesly: Ah.
Angela Martin: Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy.
Pam Beesly: Angela, I'm sorry.
Angela Martin: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?
Pam Beesly: I'm more of a dog person.
Angela Martin: (sighs)
Jim Halpert: So what's your strategy for this race?
Pam Beesly: Well I'm gonna start fast.
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly: Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Then I'm gonna end fast.
Jim Halpert: Why won't more people do that? (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Cause they're just stupid.
Jim Halpert: (looks at camera) What?
Jim Halpert: (Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv) Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah...
Pam Beesly: Yeah... That was um...
Jim Halpert: I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because...
Jim Halpert: Right!
Pam Beesly: ... We're dating.
Jim Halpert: Wow! There it is.
Pam Beesly: Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. (looks at Jim) Right?
Jim Halpert: It is going really great.
Dwight Schrute: (Angela runs into Dwight) Oww!
Angela Martin: Shut up.
Dwight Schrute: You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.
Angela Martin: Oh, really?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Angela Martin: (pushes her chair into Dwight's legs) I'm not depressed I'm in grief.
Michael Scott: We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Pam Beesly: Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds?
Michael Scott: Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Pam Beesly: Giant check it is.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim Halpert: Bat birth control
Dwight Schrute: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael Scott: You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?
Pam Beesly: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.
Jim Halpert: Which we are.
Pam Beesly: And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael Scott: What about a rabies nurse?
Pam Beesly: I don't think so.
Jim Halpert: You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.
Michael Scott: That's possible. Look into that.
Jim Halpert: Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son.
Michael Scott: Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.
Pam Beesly: Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. (knocks)
Michael Scott: Come in.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey
Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Pam Beesly: You said come in!
Michael Scott: No I didn't, just please don't...
Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
Pam Beesly: So I closed the door but the image of his...
Jim Halpert: Baquette.
Pam Beesly: ... dangling participle...
Jim Halpert: Eww.
Pam Beesly: ... still burned in my eyes.
Jim Halpert: I can imagine.
Pam Beesly: (Michael knocks slowly on door) Come in.
Michael Scott: May I enter the room?
Pam Beesly: Yes. Or come in.
Michael Scott: See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Jim Halpert: You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?
Michael Scott: Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.
Pam Beesly: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.
Michael Scott: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly: They're so not.
Michael Scott: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
Pam Beesly: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) Gross.
Michael Scott: That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Pam Beesly: They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.
Jim Halpert: (naked from chest up) Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?
Jan Levinson: OK, name please.
Creed Bratton: Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.
Jan Levinson: You're over 75 years old?
Creed Bratton: 82 November first. How much is the prize money?
Jan Levinson: There's no prize money.
Creed Bratton: What, is any of this real?
Michael Scott: Check that out. (points to Toby) Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?
Jan Levinson: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam Beesly: What? Look, no it was not...
Jan Levinson: I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off.
Michael Scott: OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. (turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital) That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing.
Darryl Philbin: (feeding a squirrel) I'm giving him a peanut.
Michael Scott: No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?
Darryl Philbin: Look how happy he is.
Michael Scott: He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? (Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit) This is the reason we're here.
Elizabeth: Hello Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.
Elizabeth: Great. (everyone claps)
Michael Scott: You got it?
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.
Michael Scott: Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.
Dwight Schrute: On your marks, get set...
Michael Scott: (pulls Toby's pants down) Beow!
Toby Flenderson: Hey! (extremely loud gunshot)
Michael Scott: On your left!
Oscar Martinez: You're doing great Michael, look at you go!
Creed Bratton: That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby!
Michael Scott: I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. (Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab)
Stanley Hudson: Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
Andy Bernard: I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. (running right behind Kevin)
Pam Beesly: Yeah. (laughs) Oh we're in last place.
Jim Halpert: Oh, would you look at that.
Pam Beesly: Darn it.
Jan Levinson: Water? Water? (Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan) Water babe?
Michael Scott: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!
Jan Levinson: Michael that's irrational.
Michael Scott: Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
Andy Bernard: Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.
Creed Bratton: (Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table) Can we get another round?
Waitress: OK.
Creed Bratton: Thanks.
Stanley Hudson: So we've got what, another 20 minutes?
Oscar Martinez: More or less.
Stanley Hudson: Hmmm...
Michael Scott: That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Dwight Schrute: You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Michael Scott: (laughs) Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
Toby Flenderson: I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.
Jim Halpert: Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Pam Beesly: I don't know I'm really committed to winning.
Jim Halpert: OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.
Pam Beesly: Mmm... Yes.
Jim Halpert: That's what I thought.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Right. Let's do some good.
Ryan Howard: (Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... (Pam's voice) (You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... (Michael's voice) for the cure... (Pam's voice) leave a message" Ryan hangs up)
Michael Scott: (Burp) Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. (groans)
Andy Bernard: (runs into the back of Kevin) Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Back off me.
Dwight Schrute: How ya feeling, better?
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Angela Martin: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Dwight Schrute: I am a farmer Angela.
Angela Martin: What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Angela Martin: You did kill her!?
Dwight Schrute: I... I sang her, her favorite songs.
Angela Martin: You put her in my freezer.
Dwight Schrute: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Angela Martin: Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Dwight Schrute: Well I'm not responsible for that!
Angela Martin: You! (hits Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Oww! (looks around to onlookers) It's OK.
Angela Martin: It's OK.
Dwight Schrute: It's nothing, I'm robbing her.
Angela Martin: It's nothing.
Dwight Schrute: It's fine. What?
Angela Martin: How could you do that without telling me?
Dwight Schrute: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Angela Martin: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
Dwight Schrute: I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.
Angela Martin: You don't understand.
Michael Scott: (runs by) Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
Dwight Schrute: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Angela Martin: Don't touch me Dwight! (runs off crying)
Pam Beesly: (holding lamp) You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Jim Halpert: Oh, and I get to carry it.
Toby Flenderson: (crosses finish line) And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Kelly Kapoor: Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Toby Flenderson: Where are we?
Kelly Kapoor: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Toby Flenderson: He couldn't have made it a circle?
Michael Scott: (bent over) I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. (Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line)
Jim Halpert: about it.
Pam Beesly: Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Jim Halpert: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...
Michael Scott: I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
Jim Halpert: Well, you're probably dehydrated.
Michael Scott: What do you want me to do Jim?
Jim Halpert: Glass of water would be a start.
Michael Scott: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Jim Halpert: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Pam Beesly: I'm still having a nice day.
Jim Halpert: You are?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Michael Scott: That's a good deal.
Pam Beesly: And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.
Michael Scott: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.
Michael Scott: You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
Pam Beesly: I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Michael Scott: You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k (gets up groaning, Jim tries to help) No, no!
Michael Scott: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Meredith Palmer: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Meredith Palmer: Better.
Michael Scott: It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Meredith Palmer: I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Michael Scott: Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. (sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth) Wanna share?
Meredith Palmer: Sure.
Michael Scott: I'm not really sick. (Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael) Nah, I'm good.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 4. Fun Run is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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