Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Fun Run

Vol. 4 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Michael Scott hitting Meredith with his car might be the best "good news, bad news" situation ever. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the fettuccine alfredo carbo-load to the heartbreak of Sprinkles' unfortunate freezer incident. It's a great way to see how Jim and Pam are finally making it work while the rest of the office runs a Pro-Am for rabies awareness.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. (walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed) This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. (sighs) She probably won't be up for a few hours.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. (slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood)

Scene 03

10 lines
IT Tech Guy
You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam Beesly
It was for a video.
IT Tech Guy
Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam Beesly
A celebrity sex tape.
Jim Halpert
Really, what kind of celebrity?
Pam Beesly
Not relevant.
Jim Halpert
How much did you pay for it?
Pam Beesly
Not relevant.
Jim Halpert
You paid for it?
Pam Beesly
It all happened so fast.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again.

Scene 06

3 lines
Kevin Malone
Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? (looks at Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.
Kevin Malone
Are you kidding me?

Scene 07

5 lines
Pam Beesly
And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.
Jim Halpert
Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.
Pam Beesly
Cool.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Well have fun with that.

Scene 08

14 lines
Michael Scott
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
Where?
Michael Scott
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK.
Stanley Hudson
What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar Martinez
So she's really going to be fine?
Michael Scott
Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse.
Pam Beesly
Thank God you were there.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Did you see who did it?
Dwight Schrute
No need we can just check the security tapes.
Michael Scott
Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim Halpert
Who was driving?
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael.

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

Scene 10

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
It's only Meredith.
Michael Scott
Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight Schrute
Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael Scott
It was an accident.
Dwight Schrute
Was she talkin' back?
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

Scene 11

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin Malone
Who's we, you and Jim?
Pam Beesly
No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I bet you ask?
Pam Beesly
I was planning on it.
Kevin Malone
I bet you were.
Pam Beesly
Angela?
Oscar Martinez
(whispers to Kevin) Subtle.
Kevin Malone
What
Pam Beesly
(to Angela) Are you coming?
Angela Martin
I can't, Sprinkles is sick.

Scene 12

1 line
Angela Martin
She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles.

Scene 13

5 lines
Angela Martin
I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?
Pam Beesly
Can't your other cats keep her company.
Angela Martin
There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques.
Pam Beesly
Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job.
Angela Martin
(sighs) All right!

Scene 14

2 lines
Michael Scott
My lord my liege.
Ryan Howard
Yes Michael?

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?

Scene 16

10 lines
Michael Scott
So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan Howard
Back? Why is that Michael?
Michael Scott
Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan Howard
Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael Scott
No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in...
Ryan Howard
Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott
Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan Howard
I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott
Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?
Ryan Howard
(sigh)

Scene 17

1 line
Ryan Howard
People keep calling me a "Wunderkind"; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word.

Scene 18

11 lines
Angela Martin
Hey D.
Dwight Schrute
Hey monkey, what's up?
Angela Martin
Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.
Dwight Schrute
Sure.
Angela Martin
I have to visit the alchy.
Dwight Schrute
Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.
Angela Martin
I wouldn't put it past her.
Dwight Schrute
So what do you need me to do?
Angela Martin
I wrote it out.
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hmm.
Angela Martin
There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.

Scene 19

24 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, I have an announcement.
Oscar Martinez
You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael Scott
No.
Phyllis Vance
You shot Dwight?
Michael Scott
No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim Halpert
Oh good, so we don't have to work.
Pam Beesly
OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1.
Michael Scott
So, like a freedom tree.
Pam Beesly
I can take 3 people.
Jim Halpert
I can also take 3 people.
Oscar Martinez
(to Kevin) Separate cars.
Michael Scott
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael Scott
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.
Michael Scott
Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
Pam Beesly
I...
Michael Scott
Excellent!
Pam Beesly
I was thinking that we...
Michael Scott
Good work Pam.
Pam Beesly
But...
Michael Scott
Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley Hudson
You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott
Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Scene 21

37 lines
Michael Scott
Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
Kelly Kapoor
She looks awful.
Michael Scott
No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault.
Jim Halpert
I think she's awake.
Michael Scott
No... She's in a coma.
Nurse
No.
Michael Scott
OK... Meredith, (hauntingly) Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.
Meredith Palmer
At the same time.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Stanley Hudson
Hello Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
This is weird.
Michael Scott
Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. (wraps them around her IV) Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... (IV pops out) Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!
Kevin Malone
Whoa!
Michael Scott
Nurse.
Meredith Palmer
No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in.
Michael Scott
(groaning) I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke.
Jim Halpert
I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it.
Nurse
What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.
Meredith Palmer
Thanks.
Kevin Malone
(applauds)
Phyllis Vance
Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith Palmer
No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton
Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What...
Meredith Palmer
I have no idea.
Creed Bratton
Oh. (laughs)
Meredith Palmer
Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Meredith Palmer
Michael, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott
Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Angela Martin
No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness.
Michael Scott
Well, just shhhh... just just...
Meredith Palmer
You cracked my pelvis
Michael Scott
Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
Meredith Palmer
You're not forgiven.
Michael Scott
Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Pam Beesly
Michael! Michael!
Meredith Palmer
(screams)

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

Scene 23

17 lines
Angela Martin
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hey monkey.
Angela Martin
Any problems?
Dwight Schrute
Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.
Angela Martin
What!?
Dwight Schrute
Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Angela Martin
Sprinkles.
Dwight Schrute
That was the sick one, right?
Angela Martin
Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Angela Martin
Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?
Dwight Schrute
Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.
Angela Martin
(sobbing)
Dwight Schrute
So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place.
Angela Martin
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.
Angela Martin
(still sobbing)

Scene 24

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Angela) It's gonna be OK.
Michael Scott
OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just...
Pam Beesly
Michael, Angela's cat died.
Michael Scott
Sprinkles?
Angela Martin
(nods)
Michael Scott
(sighs) Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious.

Scene 26

31 lines
Michael Scott
Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar Martinez
Like what?
Michael Scott
Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Toby Flenderson
No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies.
Pam Beesly
That's cool.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Angela Martin
Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight Schrute
She's only a cat.
Angela Martin
You never... you don't like them.
Dwight Schrute
Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Oscar Martinez
Dwight please!
Michael Scott
Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?
Dwight Schrute
No, I have not.
Michael Scott
Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.
Dwight Schrute
I do not respect her, but I will go.
Michael Scott
Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs...
Michael Scott
Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby Flenderson
Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael Scott
Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley Hudson
I'm... um, Catholic.
Michael Scott
OK.
Darryl Philbin
Presbyterian.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Pam Beesly
Oh me too.
Darryl Philbin
Oh?
Pam Beesly
(puts hand up for high five) Same religion.
Darryl Philbin
Alright! (high fives Pam)
Phyllis Vance
I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela Martin
That's why we're cursed.

Scene 27

1 line
Creed Bratton
I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

Scene 28

7 lines
Michael Scott
Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly Kapoor
That's Buddhist.
Michael Scott
Are you sure?
Kelly Kapoor
No.
Michael Scott
What are you?
IT Tech Guy
Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.
Michael Scott
OK, 1 Sikh, and...

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.

Scene 30

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Meredith Palmer
Don't pull any plugs.
Intern
How are you doing Ms. Palmer?
Meredith Palmer
Better.
Intern
Excellent.
Dwight Schrute
Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?
Intern
Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but...
Dwight Schrute
Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern
Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?
Meredith Palmer
Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.
Dwight Schrute
Just doing my job.
Intern
It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Meredith Palmer
And a rat. Separate occasions.

Scene 31

5 lines
Michael Scott
You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. (sighs) And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead.
Kelly Kapoor
If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael Scott
Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine.
Jim Halpert
I will do some research.
Pam Beesly
I can help you with that.

Scene 32

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.
Michael Scott
Oh God, Rabies?
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?
Dwight Schrute
No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something.
Michael Scott
This place is so cursed.
Dwight Schrute
Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw.
Michael Scott
(walks out into the office) I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Jim Halpert
Six of one, really.
Michael Scott
Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! (Kevin claps) Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?

Scene 34

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying) Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste!
Pam Beesly
(Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road) I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. (Jim gets into the passenger side) Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. (Jim leans over and kisses Pam) Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.

Scene 35

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.
Michael Scott
Pro-Am.
Pam Beesly
Pro-Am race for the... They hung up.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.

Scene 37

22 lines
Stanley Hudson
(on the phone) No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?
Michael Scott
Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?
Stanley Hudson
Zero.
Michael Scott
Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.
Andy Bernard
Isn't that your money?
Michael Scott
That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, it's coming.
Michael Scott
Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
Kevin Malone
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Kevin Malone
You cannot make me run.
Michael Scott
OK. (walks away)
Kevin Malone
It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it.
Michael Scott
Alright, alright.
Kevin Malone
You didn't run for me...
Michael Scott
Shhh...
Kevin Malone
...when I thought I had skin cancer.
Michael Scott
I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Kevin Malone
No.
Michael Scott
OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant.
Kevin Malone
I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.
Michael Scott
Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
(in bathroom) I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. (tapes a cotton ball to each nipple)

Scene 39

1 line
Andy Bernard
Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. (Angela starts to cry)

Scene 40

1 line
Angela Martin
This is Sprinkles. (holds up a picture) She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, (picture of Angela holding Sprinkles) just a couple of kittens (starts to cry) out on the town.

Scene 41

11 lines
Angela Martin
Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.
Pam Beesly
What's wrong?
Angela Martin
I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.
Pam Beesly
Hmm...
Angela Martin
When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.
Pam Beesly
Ah.
Angela Martin
Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy.
Pam Beesly
Angela, I'm sorry.
Angela Martin
Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?
Pam Beesly
I'm more of a dog person.
Angela Martin
(sighs)

Scene 42

9 lines
Jim Halpert
So what's your strategy for this race?
Pam Beesly
Well I'm gonna start fast.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly
Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Then I'm gonna end fast.
Jim Halpert
Why won't more people do that? (laughs)
Pam Beesly
Cause they're just stupid.
Jim Halpert
(looks at camera) What?

Scene 43

9 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv) Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah...
Pam Beesly
Yeah... That was um...
Jim Halpert
I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I gave him a ride home because...
Jim Halpert
Right!
Pam Beesly
... We're dating.
Jim Halpert
Wow! There it is.
Pam Beesly
Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. (looks at Jim) Right?
Jim Halpert
It is going really great.

Scene 44

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Angela runs into Dwight) Oww!
Angela Martin
Shut up.
Dwight Schrute
You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.
Angela Martin
Oh, really?
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Angela Martin
(pushes her chair into Dwight's legs) I'm not depressed I'm in grief.

Scene 45

21 lines
Michael Scott
We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Pam Beesly
Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds?
Michael Scott
Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Pam Beesly
Giant check it is.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Dwight Schrute
Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim Halpert
Bat birth control
Dwight Schrute
Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael Scott
You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?
Pam Beesly
Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.
Jim Halpert
Which we are.
Pam Beesly
And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael Scott
What about a rabies nurse?
Pam Beesly
I don't think so.
Jim Halpert
You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.
Michael Scott
That's possible. Look into that.
Jim Halpert
Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son.
Michael Scott
Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.

Scene 46

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. (knocks)
Michael Scott
Come in.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey
Pam Beesly
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Pam Beesly
You said come in!
Michael Scott
No I didn't, just please don't...
Pam Beesly
Oh my God.

Scene 47

20 lines
Pam Beesly
So I closed the door but the image of his...
Jim Halpert
Baquette.
Pam Beesly
... dangling participle...
Jim Halpert
Eww.
Pam Beesly
... still burned in my eyes.
Jim Halpert
I can imagine.
Pam Beesly
(Michael knocks slowly on door) Come in.
Michael Scott
May I enter the room?
Pam Beesly
Yes. Or come in.
Michael Scott
See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Jim Halpert
You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?
Michael Scott
Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.
Pam Beesly
On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.
Michael Scott
European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly
They're so not.
Michael Scott
Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
Pam Beesly
I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim Halpert
(sighs) Gross.
Michael Scott
That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 48

1 line
Pam Beesly
They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.

Scene 49

1 line
Jim Halpert
(naked from chest up) Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?

Scene 50

6 lines
Jan Levinson
OK, name please.
Creed Bratton
Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.
Jan Levinson
You're over 75 years old?
Creed Bratton
82 November first. How much is the prize money?
Jan Levinson
There's no prize money.
Creed Bratton
What, is any of this real?

Scene 51

1 line
Michael Scott
Check that out. (points to Toby) Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?

Scene 52

13 lines
Jan Levinson
So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam Beesly
What? Look, no it was not...
Jan Levinson
I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off.
Michael Scott
OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. (turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital) That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing.
Darryl Philbin
(feeding a squirrel) I'm giving him a peanut.
Michael Scott
No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?
Darryl Philbin
Look how happy he is.
Michael Scott
He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? (Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit) This is the reason we're here.
Elizabeth
Hello Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?
Elizabeth
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.
Elizabeth
Great. (everyone claps)

Scene 53

3 lines
Michael Scott
You got it?
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.

Scene 54

4 lines
Michael Scott
Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.
Dwight Schrute
On your marks, get set...
Michael Scott
(pulls Toby's pants down) Beow!
Toby Flenderson
Hey! (extremely loud gunshot)

Scene 55

4 lines
Michael Scott
On your left!
Oscar Martinez
You're doing great Michael, look at you go!
Creed Bratton
That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby!
Michael Scott
I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. (Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab)

Scene 56

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.

Scene 57

1 line
Andy Bernard
I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. (running right behind Kevin)

Scene 58

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Yeah. (laughs) Oh we're in last place.
Jim Halpert
Oh, would you look at that.
Pam Beesly
Darn it.

Scene 59

3 lines
Jan Levinson
Water? Water? (Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan) Water babe?
Michael Scott
No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!
Jan Levinson
Michael that's irrational.

Scene 60

1 line
Michael Scott
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.

Scene 61

1 line
Andy Bernard
Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.

Scene 62

6 lines
Creed Bratton
(Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table) Can we get another round?
Waitress
OK.
Creed Bratton
Thanks.
Stanley Hudson
So we've got what, another 20 minutes?
Oscar Martinez
More or less.
Stanley Hudson
Hmmm...

Scene 63

3 lines
Michael Scott
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Dwight Schrute
You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Michael Scott
(laughs) Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?

Scene 64

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.

Scene 65

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Pam Beesly
I don't know I'm really committed to winning.
Jim Halpert
OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.
Pam Beesly
Mmm... Yes.
Jim Halpert
That's what I thought.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Right. Let's do some good.

Scene 66

1 line
Ryan Howard
(Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice) (You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice) for the cure... (Pam's voice) leave a message" Ryan hangs up]

Scene 67

1 line
Michael Scott
(Burp) Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. (groans)

Scene 68

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(runs into the back of Kevin) Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Back off me.

Scene 69

27 lines
Dwight Schrute
How ya feeling, better?
Angela Martin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Angela Martin
The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Dwight Schrute
I am a farmer Angela.
Angela Martin
What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute
OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Angela Martin
You did kill her!?
Dwight Schrute
I... I sang her, her favorite songs.
Angela Martin
You put her in my freezer.
Dwight Schrute
It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Angela Martin
Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Dwight Schrute
Well I'm not responsible for that!
Angela Martin
You! (hits Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Oww! (looks around to onlookers) It's OK.
Angela Martin
It's OK.
Dwight Schrute
It's nothing, I'm robbing her.
Angela Martin
It's nothing.
Dwight Schrute
It's fine. What?
Angela Martin
How could you do that without telling me?
Dwight Schrute
I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Angela Martin
Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
Dwight Schrute
I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.
Angela Martin
You don't understand.
Michael Scott
(runs by) Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
Dwight Schrute
Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Angela Martin
Don't touch me Dwight! (runs off crying)

Scene 70

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(holding lamp) You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Jim Halpert
Oh, and I get to carry it.

Scene 71

5 lines
Toby Flenderson
(crosses finish line) And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Kelly Kapoor
Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Toby Flenderson
Where are we?
Kelly Kapoor
I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Toby Flenderson
He couldn't have made it a circle?

Scene 72

1 line
Michael Scott
(bent over) I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. (Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line)

Scene 73

19 lines
Jim Halpert
...talk about it.
Pam Beesly
Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Jim Halpert
What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...
Michael Scott
I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
Jim Halpert
Well, you're probably dehydrated.
Michael Scott
What do you want me to do Jim?
Jim Halpert
Glass of water would be a start.
Michael Scott
No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Jim Halpert
Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Pam Beesly
I'm still having a nice day.
Jim Halpert
You are?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Michael Scott
That's a good deal.
Pam Beesly
And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.
Michael Scott
Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.
Michael Scott
You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
Pam Beesly
I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Michael Scott
You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k (gets up groaning, Jim tries to help) No, no!

Scene 74

1 line
Michael Scott
Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.

Scene 75

8 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Meredith Palmer
Better.
Michael Scott
It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Meredith Palmer
I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Michael Scott
Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. (sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth) Wanna share?
Meredith Palmer
Sure.
Michael Scott
I'm not really sick. (Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael) Nah, I'm good.