Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Chair Model

Vol. 4 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Michael falls head over heels for a literal catalog model, while Kevin and Andy try to reclaim their stolen parking spots. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the awkward meeting of the Five Families to Michael’s tragic realization at the cemetery. Grab all the best quotes and the full script to see exactly how that coffee shop date went south.

Scene 01

5 lines
Pam Beesly
W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim Halpert
So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Pam Beesly
Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam Beesly
Nature.

Scene 02

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy Bernard
I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Scene 03

1 line
Kevin Malone
(sitting down, rubbing his feet) I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.

Scene 04

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin Malone
(off screen) Hurts like hell.

Scene 05

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog) Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile.
Michael Scott
Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
Pam Beesly
But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. (makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down) I really want it.

Scene 07

10 lines
Michael Scott
(holding up the catalog) Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam Beesly
Her?
Michael Scott
Hmm...
Pam Beesly
The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?
Michael Scott
Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam Beesly
Or in a great chair.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
Pam Beesly
I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael Scott
I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. (whispers) Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
Pam Beesly
Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Scene 09

4 lines
Michael Scott
Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. (phone rings)
Creed Bratton
(on phone) Yo, is this his new chair?
Pam Beesly
(on phone) No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Creed Bratton
(on phone) Daat!

Scene 10

1 line
Creed Bratton
When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.

Scene 12

2 lines
Andy Bernard
I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis Vance
Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. (Andy gets up and leaves)

Scene 13

9 lines
Michael Scott
(to Kevin) Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?
Kevin Malone
If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
Michael Scott
I thought that you were engaged?
Kevin Malone
Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
Michael Scott
Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?
Kevin Malone
Not anymore.
Michael Scott
Oh...
Kevin Malone
It's a bitter situation.
Michael Scott
Yeah... ugh. She's... (gets up and leaves) you don't deserve her. Alright.

Scene 14

15 lines
Michael Scott
(sitting on Oscar's desk) Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...
Phyllis Vance
Michael?
Michael Scott
What?
Phyllis Vance
I have a friend who's single.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Phyllis Vance
Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too.
Michael Scott
Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
Phyllis Vance
Umm, no, she's a professional softball player.
Michael Scott
Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Phyllis Vance
Umm I don't know Michael.
Michael Scott
Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?
Phyllis Vance
What are you asking?
Michael Scott
I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? (silence) It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis Vance
No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat.
Michael Scott
Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry.

Scene 16

4 lines
Michael Scott
Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes.
Angela Martin
I don't think that this is---
Michael Scott
Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear "Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la." No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired.
Dwight Schrute
(gets up from chair) Write legibly people.

Scene 17

16 lines
Andy Bernard
Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot.
Michael Scott
Hmm..
Andy Bernard
It's like a ten minute walk.
Kevin Malone
No, thirty.
Michael Scott
Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. (thinks) OK, yes that would be bad.
Kevin Malone
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Yes.
Michael Scott
That would be bad.
Andy Bernard
OK.
Kevin Malone
Nice.
Andy Bernard
...So help us out.
Michael Scott
Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin Malone
Michael, please he--
Michael Scott
What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
Andy Bernard
We won't let you down.
Michael Scott
Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, (Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office) don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.

Scene 18

7 lines
Stanley Hudson
There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis Vance
Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Who are you putting down?
Jim Halpert
Oh, you don't know her.
Pam Beesly
Who is it?
Jim Halpert
Your mom.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, whatever. (Jim holds up the card) (Pam laughs) Give it to me. Give it to me.

Scene 19

15 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. (Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.)
Wendy's phone operator
Wendy's.
Michael Scott
Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael.
Wendy's phone operator
This isn't Wendy.
Michael Scott
Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?
Wendy's phone operator
Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael Scott
(under breath) Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?
Wendy's phone operator
You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Michael Scott
Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.
Wendy's phone operator
It's ready now.
Michael Scott
Well put it aside. (hangs up the phone) (Dwight enters) Umm... yeah.
Dwight Schrute
OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies.
Michael Scott
Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
Dwight Schrute
I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.
Michael Scott
That sounds good. (both smile) Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go.

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. (reads from notepad) Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.

Scene 22

12 lines
Michael Scott
She's dead? (Dwight makes knife slitting noise) She's so young.
Dwight Schrute
She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Michael Scott
Oh, God. Oh...
Dwight Schrute
Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. (gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair) Here we go. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Michael, you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott
Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, how dare you. (Jim's face is in shock)
Michael Scott
Please, not at a time like this. (sighs)
Pam Beesly
OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael Scott
Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?
Pam Beesly
No, I mean it. (walks towards Michael) She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. (hands over card to Michael)
Michael Scott
I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.

Scene 25

3 lines
Kevin Malone
We need to assemble the five families.
Michael Scott
(while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush) No, not the five families.
Kevin Malone
We have to.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him "Cool Guy Paul." W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Scene 27

2 lines
Michael Scott
(still brushing teeth) Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now.
Kevin Malone
(to Andy) I'm calling the meeting anyway.

Scene 28

8 lines
Michael Scott
(to cashier at coffee shop) Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette (cut to a blonde woman in a skirt). Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. (woman walks right by and doesn't respond)
Margaret
Michael?
Michael Scott
(turns around to see the woman from his description) Ugh.
Margaret
Are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott
Is who a Michael what?
Margaret
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK...
Coffee shop worker
Michael? Michael? (reads cup) Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

Scene 29

3 lines
Michael Scott
So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...
Margaret
You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me?
Michael Scott
Just making conversation.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?
Margaret
I don't know.
Michael Scott
You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. (holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan) Look at that.
Margaret
She's beautiful.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Michael? Hello? Michael? (Michael hangs up phone)
Margaret
I'm gonna head out.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.
Margaret
That's incredibly rude.
Michael Scott
Now you ruined it. (gets up and leaves)

Scene 31

15 lines
Bob Vance
Where's Scott?
Andy Bernard
Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
W.B. Jones
Let's just meet back in an hour.
Andy Bernard
Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.
Kevin Malone
(nervously stuttering) I... have... things...
W.B. Jones
Alright, what do you want?
Andy Bernard
Well first of all, I'd just like to say (pulls out note cards) what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen.
W.B. Jones
You have about ten seconds---
Kevin Malone
We want our parking spaces back!
Paul Faust
Whose parking spaces?
Kevin Malone
W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and---
Bill Cress
Ohh... God...
Paul
I don't have time for this you guys. (to W.B. Jones) Just give 'em back their spaces.
W.B. Jones
OK.
Paul
We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail.

Scene 32

1 line
Kevin Malone
After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... (starts breaking up) It's just nice to win one.

Scene 33

23 lines
Michael Scott
Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me?
Pam Beesly
She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...(walks away back to his office)
Jim Halpert
(walks up to reception) Margaret?
Pam Beesly
I know.
Jim Halpert
You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. (both laugh)
Pam Beesly
Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move.
Jim Halpert
Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.
Jim Halpert
OK, sure. Let's do it. (Pam laughs)
Pam Beesly
No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Jim Halpert
Have I not proposed to you, yet?
Pam Beesly
Hmm, I don't, know...
Jim Halpert
Oh, well, that's coming. (smiles)
Pam Beesly
Oh, right now?
Jim Halpert
No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame.
Pam Beesly
OK, so then, when?
Jim Halpert
Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.
Pam Beesly
Oh, right, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Wait, I'm serious. It's happening.
Pam Beesly
Ohh kay.
Jim Halpert
And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp.
Pam Beesly
I've been warned.

Scene 34

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am not kidding. (shows camera an engagement ring) Got it a week after we started dating.

Scene 35

6 lines
Michael Scott
I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... (sighs)
Dwight Schrute
You know what you need? Closure.
Michael Scott
You're right. What do you mean though?
Dwight Schrute
There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye.
Michael Scott
Hmm.
Dwight Schrute
Come on. I'll drive.

Scene 36

7 lines
Kevin Malone
We did it.
Andy Bernard
(at same time as Kevin) I did it.
Kevin Malone
We got our spaces back.
Oscar Martinez
Wow. (Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin)
Pam Beesly
Nice job.
Jim Halpert
Nice. (fist bumps Kevin)
Andy Bernard
Yeah, there it is. You're welcome.

Scene 37

1 line
Andy Bernard
Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Scene 38

10 lines
Michael Scott
(looking at the chair model's headstone) How did she die?
Dwight Schrute
I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.
Michael Scott
God.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
She was so innocent.
Dwight Schrute
She was stoned apparently.
Michael Scott
You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do?
Dwight Schrute
You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive.
Michael Scott
Oh, you move on.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.

Scene 39

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Where do you want to go for dinner?
Pam Beesly
I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what (Jim gets down on one knee), that one...
Jim Halpert
Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?
Pam Beesly
(smiling) I hate you. (walks away)
Jim Halpert
What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? (Pam laughs) Oh my God, you thought I wa--- oh.
Pam Beesly
Oh, oh.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no.
Pam Beesly
How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
(singing) Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off (with Dwight) and die?

Scene 41

4 lines
Michael & Dwight
(singing) OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then (jumbling up the words) can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. (more jumbled words) 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues...
Michael Scott
Return.
Dwight Schrute
Rhythm and blues...
Michael Scott
This'll be (with Dwight) the day that I died.