Every line from The Office episode "Chair Model", season 4 episode 10.
Pam Beesly: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim Halpert: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Pam Beesly: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam Beesly: (to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog) Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile.
Michael Scott: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
Pam Beesly: But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.
Michael Scott: (holding up the catalog) Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam Beesly: The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?
Michael Scott: Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam Beesly: Or in a great chair.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
Pam Beesly: I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael Scott: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. (whispers) Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
Pam Beesly: Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. (phone rings)
Creed Bratton: (on phone) Yo, is this his new chair?
Pam Beesly: (on phone) No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Creed Bratton: (on phone) Daat!
Michael Scott: (to Kevin) Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?
Kevin Malone: If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
Michael Scott: I thought that you were engaged?
Kevin Malone: Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
Michael Scott: Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?
Kevin Malone: Not anymore.
Kevin Malone: It's a bitter situation.
Michael Scott: Yeah... ugh. She's... (gets up and leaves) you don't deserve her. Alright.
Michael Scott: (sitting on Oscar's desk) Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...
Phyllis Vance: I have a friend who's single.
Phyllis Vance: Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too.
Michael Scott: Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
Phyllis Vance: Umm, no, she's a professional softball player.
Michael Scott: Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Phyllis Vance: Umm I don't know Michael.
Michael Scott: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?
Phyllis Vance: What are you asking?
Michael Scott: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? (silence) It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis Vance: No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat.
Michael Scott: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!
Michael Scott: Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes.
Angela Martin: I don't think that this is---
Michael Scott: Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear "Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la." No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired.
Dwight Schrute: (gets up from chair) Write legibly people.
Andy Bernard: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot.
Andy Bernard: It's like a ten minute walk.
Kevin Malone: No, thirty.
Michael Scott: Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. (thinks) OK, yes that would be bad.
Michael Scott: That would be bad.
Andy Bernard: ...So help us out.
Michael Scott: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin Malone: Michael, please he--
Michael Scott: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
Andy Bernard: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, (Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office) don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.
Stanley Hudson: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis Vance: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Who are you putting down?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, whatever. (Jim holds up the card) (Pam laughs) Give it to me. Give it to me.
Michael Scott: Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. (Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.)
Wendy's phone operator: Wendy's.
Michael Scott: Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael.
Wendy's phone operator: This isn't Wendy.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?
Wendy's phone operator: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael Scott: (under breath) Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?
Wendy's phone operator: You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Michael Scott: Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.
Wendy's phone operator: It's ready now.
Michael Scott: Well put it aside. (hangs up the phone) (Dwight enters) Umm... yeah.
Dwight Schrute: OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies.
Michael Scott: Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
Dwight Schrute: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.
Michael Scott: That sounds good. (both smile) Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go.
Michael Scott: She's dead? (Dwight makes knife slitting noise) She's so young.
Dwight Schrute: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. Oh...
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. (gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair) Here we go. Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Michael, you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott: Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, how dare you. (Jim's face is in shock)
Michael Scott: Please, not at a time like this. (sighs)
Pam Beesly: OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael Scott: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?
Pam Beesly: No, I mean it. (walks towards Michael) She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. (hands over card to Michael)
Michael Scott: I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?
Michael Scott: (to cashier at coffee shop) Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette (cut to a blonde woman in a skirt). Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. (woman walks right by and doesn't respond)
Michael Scott: (turns around to see the woman from his description) Ugh.
Margaret: Are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Is who a Michael what?
Margaret: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK...
Coffee shop worker: Michael? Michael? (reads cup) Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.
Michael Scott: Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?
Michael Scott: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. (holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan) Look at that.
Margaret: She's beautiful.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Michael? Hello? Michael? (Michael hangs up phone)
Margaret: I'm gonna head out.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.
Margaret: That's incredibly rude.
Michael Scott: Now you ruined it. (gets up and leaves)
Bob Vance: Where's Scott?
Andy Bernard: Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
W.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour.
Andy Bernard: Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.
Kevin Malone: (nervously stuttering) I... have... things...
W.B. Jones: Alright, what do you want?
Andy Bernard: Well first of all, I'd just like to say (pulls out note cards) what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen.
W.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds---
Kevin Malone: We want our parking spaces back!
Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces?
Kevin Malone: W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and---
Bill Cress: Ohh... God...
Paul: I don't have time for this you guys. (to W.B. Jones) Just give 'em back their spaces.
Paul: We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail.
Michael Scott: Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me?
Pam Beesly: She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...(walks away back to his office)
Jim Halpert: (walks up to reception) Margaret?
Jim Halpert: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. (both laugh)
Pam Beesly: Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move.
Jim Halpert: Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.
Jim Halpert: OK, sure. Let's do it. (Pam laughs)
Pam Beesly: No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Jim Halpert: Have I not proposed to you, yet?
Pam Beesly: Hmm, I don't, know...
Jim Halpert: Oh, well, that's coming. (smiles)
Pam Beesly: Oh, right now?
Jim Halpert: No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame.
Pam Beesly: OK, so then, when?
Jim Halpert: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.
Pam Beesly: Oh, right, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening.
Jim Halpert: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp.
Pam Beesly: I've been warned.
Michael Scott: I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... (sighs)
Dwight Schrute: You know what you need? Closure.
Michael Scott: You're right. What do you mean though?
Dwight Schrute: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye.
Dwight Schrute: Come on. I'll drive.
Andy Bernard: (at same time as Kevin) I did it.
Kevin Malone: We got our spaces back.
Oscar Martinez: Wow. (Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin)
Jim Halpert: Nice. (fist bumps Kevin)
Andy Bernard: Yeah, there it is. You're welcome.
Michael Scott: (looking at the chair model's headstone) How did she die?
Dwight Schrute: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.
Michael Scott: She was so innocent.
Dwight Schrute: She was stoned apparently.
Michael Scott: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do?
Dwight Schrute: You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive.
Michael Scott: Oh, you move on.
Jim Halpert: Where do you want to go for dinner?
Pam Beesly: I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what (Jim gets down on one knee), that one...
Jim Halpert: Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?
Pam Beesly: (smiling) I hate you. (walks away)
Jim Halpert: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? (Pam laughs) Oh my God, you thought I wa--- oh.
Pam Beesly: How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?
Michael & Dwight: (singing) OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then (jumbling up the words) can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. (more jumbled words) 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues...
Dwight Schrute: Rhythm and blues...
Michael Scott: This'll be (with Dwight) the day that I died.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 4. Chair Model is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.