Night Out

Vol. 4 · Issue 11The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Get the full breakdown of Michael and Dwight’s chaotic New York club adventure with Ryan. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Toby's legendary awkward knee touch to Michael’s confusion over Troy the "hobbit." It’s the perfect way to catch every joke from the night the Scranton crew got locked in the parking lot.

Scene 01

15 lines

Pam Beesly

What's wrong Michael?

Michael Scott

I got gum in my hair.

Pam Beesly

You do.

Michael Scott

This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it.

Dwight Schrute

You've got a ton of dandruff.

Michael Scott

OK, let me be.

Jim Halpert

How'd you get gum in your hair?

Michael Scott

I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.

Jim Halpert

But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.

Michael Scott

Kill me... right now.

Pam Beesly

We have peanut butter in the kitchen.

Michael Scott

I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.

Jim Halpert

Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.

Pam Beesly

No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.

Michael Scott

Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.

Scene 02

5 lines

Michael Scott

Smells good.

Dwight Schrute

Taste good too.

Michael Scott

Oh don't. That's disgusting.

Dwight Schrute

Wow! Lot of calories.

Michael Scott

Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice.

Scene 03

2 lines

Dwight Schrute

Hey Michael, how was your date last night?

Michael Scott

(sighs)

Scene 04

1 line

Michael Scott

I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.

Scene 05

2 lines

Oscar Martinez

I am livid, Absolutely livid.

Angela Martin

It's ridiculous.

Scene 06

1 line

Ryan Howard

Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working.

Scene 07

1 line

Ryan Howard

My favorite branch. How's everybody doing?

Scene 08

10 lines

Jim Halpert

Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?

Ryan Howard

Love it. Go.

Jim Halpert

Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.

Ryan Howard

I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that.

Jim Halpert

Thanks.

Ryan Howard

David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?

Jim Halpert

Did I? I don't...

Ryan Howard

You did. Yeah.

Jim Halpert

Hmm.

Ryan Howard

Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding.

Scene 09

14 lines

Michael Scott

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or...

Ryan Howard

Ok thanks Michael.

Michael Scott

Yeah.

Ryan Howard

I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.

Dwight Schrute

Question.

Ryan Howard

Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?

Ryan Howard

This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.

Stanley Hudson

I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that.

Ryan Howard

I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O.

Stanley Hudson

When will that be?

Ryan Howard

TBD. Phyllis?

Phyllis Vance

Did the police solve the problem with the...

Ryan Howard

Yes, yes they did, yes they did.

Scene 10

1 line

Scene 11

9 lines

Jim Halpert

Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.

Ryan Howard

It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store.

Jim Halpert

And then an older gentleman asked you "Boxers or briefs?"

Creed Bratton

I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site.

Kelly Kapoor

If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself.

Ryan Howard

Do you have a question Kelly?

Kelly Kapoor

Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?

Michael Scott

(slow clapping) Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good.

Scene 12

14 lines

Michael Scott

Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.

Ryan Howard

You too.

Michael Scott

Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. (hugs Ryan)

Ryan Howard

Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.

Michael Scott

Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.

Ryan Howard

Na.

Michael Scott

Na?

Ryan Howard

Sorry man.

Michael Scott

Well you tried.

Ryan Howard

But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.

Michael Scott

Yeah.

Ryan Howard

Unreal.

Michael Scott

They sound great.

Ryan Howard

Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace.

Scene 13

13 lines

Michael Scott

Would you have sex with Meredith?

Jim Halpert

What?

Michael Scott

Do you think she'd keep it quiet?

Jim Halpert

I'm gonna go to my desk.

Michael Scott

Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that...

Jim Halpert

I know.

Michael Scott

Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.

Jim Halpert

I can't.

Michael Scott

Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.

Jim Halpert

I'm not single.

Michael Scott

Who you dating?

Jim Halpert

Pam.

Michael Scott

That's still going on?

Scene 14

10 lines

Michael Scott

Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls.

Dwight Schrute

Yeah!

Andy Bernard

Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying.

Angela Martin

I'm right here.

Dwight Schrute

No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.

Michael Scott

Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift.

Angela Martin

We get it.

Michael Scott

I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.

Dwight Schrute

(laughs) With sex!

Michael Scott

That's... I, I think that...

Scene 15

1 line

Jim Halpert

You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow.

Scene 16

1 line

Jim Halpert

So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one.

Scene 17

1 line

Michael Scott

Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.

Scene 18

5 lines

Michael Scott

Place is packed.

Dwight Schrute

Fire hazard.

Michael Scott

Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall.

Dwight Schrute

Women look like white slaves.

Michael Scott

No, they're just hotties.

Scene 19

20 lines

Ryan Howard

I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour.

Michael Scott

Hey.

Ryan Howard

Michael.

Michael Scott

Hey!

Ryan Howard

What are you doing here?

Michael Scott

Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada.

Ryan Howard

That is so awesome man!

Michael Scott

Alright!

Ryan Howard

And you brought this guy!

Michael Scott

Yeah.

Ryan Howard

Aww!

Michael Scott

Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.

Ryan Howard

I know it's you guys.

Michael Scott

Ok.

Ryan Howard

I'm so psyched you're here!

Michael Scott

Well.

Ryan Howard

Woooo!

Michael Scott

Alright!

Ryan Howard

Let's get a drink.

Michael Scott

Let's do it!

Scene 20

3 lines

Jim Halpert

Thanks a lot guys, Good job.

Kevin Malone

Later.

Jim Halpert

Nice job everybody. Great work.

Scene 21

4 lines

Stanley Hudson

Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?

Jim Halpert

Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now.

Pam Beesly

You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left.

Stanley Hudson

Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead.

Scene 22

1 line

Pam Beesly

There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Scene 23

12 lines

Ryan Howard

Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy.

Michael Scott

Hey, nice to meet you.

Troy

Hey, how ya doing?

Dwight Schrute

Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.

Ryan Howard

Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard.

Dwight Schrute

No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit.

Ryan Howard

Bottle service ya'll?

Michael Scott

Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.

Waitress

We don't serve food here.

Michael Scott

Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries.

Dwight Schrute

Do you live in a regular sized house?

Ryan Howard

Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool.

Scene 24

17 lines

Jim Halpert

You really don't have his phone number?

Pam Beesly

I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?

Toby Flenderson

I might have it in here.

Pam Beesly

Aw! That's great Toby.

Toby Flenderson

It's so random that I have it.

Pam Beesly

Toby, you're the best.

Toby Flenderson

When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it.

Jim Halpert

Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or...

Toby Flenderson

No.

Jim Halpert

It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick.

Andy Bernard

Yes, it's Eddie.

Jim Halpert

It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or...

Creed Bratton

Hank, his name is Hank.

Jim Halpert

No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar?

Phyllis Vance

Elliot.

Oscar Martinez

Elliot!

Jim Halpert

Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here?

Scene 25

15 lines

Ryan Howard

Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms?

Dwight Schrute

Good.

Ryan Howard

This guy owns his own beet farm.

Troy

Insane.

Dwight Schrute

Well it's weevil season but we were prepared.

Ryan Howard

Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?

Dwight Schrute

They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out.

Ryan Howard

Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.

Dwight Schrute

You've already been several times.

Ryan Howard

Yeah.

Dwight Schrute

Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.

Ryan Howard

I don't know, maybe.

Dwight Schrute

I'll order you some cranberry juice.

Ryan Howard

With vodka, you're the best.

Dwight Schrute

(to troy) Do you have powers?

Scene 26

10 lines

Jim Halpert

(on phone) Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. (to office co-workers) Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. (lowers voice) He said it should just be under an hour, so... (everyone groans) we did it.

Oscar Martinez

We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.

Toby Flenderson

Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.

Angela Martin

Yeah, neither did I.

Phyllis Vance

Jim was supposed to collect it.

Jim Halpert

Yup...

Kevin Malone

Way to go, man.

Kelly Kapoor

Now he's never gonna come.

Andy Bernard

By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? (people raise hands)

Pam Beesly

Phyllis.

Scene 27

11 lines

Michael Scott

I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.

Girl in Club

I've never heard of that movie.

Michael Scott

Back to the Future? (she shakes head) Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course.

Girl in Club

How old are you?

Michael Scott

Forty... I'm in my forties.

Girl in Club

Wow. That's so cool.

Michael Scott

Nuhh...

Girl in Club

Well I'm gonna go back to my group now.

Michael Scott

Oh, OK.

Girl in Club

Thanks for the drink.

Michael Scott

You are welcome.

Scene 28

5 lines

Michael Scott

This place is like sexy pre-school.

Ryan Howard

Did you want a place where we could meet older women?

Michael Scott

I would love a place where we could meet older girls.

Ryan Howard

Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. (smashes beer bottle on the floor)

Michael Scott

Ahh, wow. That's dangerous.

Scene 29

13 lines

Ryan Howard

(to bouncer) Check again, Ryan Howard.

Dwight Schrute

(to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder) Excuse me.

Tall Girl #1

Yeah?

Dwight Schrute

(referring to girls in front of him) How did you all find each other?

Tall Girl #1

Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs.

All Girls

Wooo!

Dwight Schrute

Amazons.

Ryan Howard

(to Dwight, Michael and Troy) It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.

Michael Scott

You're kidding.

Ryan Howard

Let's bail. (starts to leave)

Dwight Schrute

Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. (turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players) You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.

Tall Girl #2

We're not going unless we can all go.

Dwight Schrute

OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him (referring to Troy). Let's go, c'mon. Here we go.

Scene 30

6 lines

Toby Flenderson

Hey, look what I found in the back. (shows a football to Pam) Wanna play? Teach you to throw.

Pam Beesly

I know how to throw a football.

Toby Flenderson

Course you do.

Andy Bernard

Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! (Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face)

Meredith Palmer

Owww!

Kevin Malone

Oh God.

Scene 31

6 lines

Bartender

There you go.

Dwight Schrute

Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?

Bartender

It's for you. From them. (points to Jersey State girls across the bar)

Dwight Schrute

Oh. (dumps drink out)

Troy

What are you doing man?

Dwight Schrute

It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. (to girls) Nice try.

Scene 32

3 lines

Michael Scott

I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.

Girl in 2nd club

That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?

Michael Scott

I am a bank teller.

Scene 33

1 line

Michael Scott

Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.

Scene 34

8 lines

Girl in 2nd club

Cool.

Michael Scott

I think so.

Girl in 2nd club

Yeah.

Michael Scott

Yeah, I have fun.

Girl in 2nd club

I'm just gonna just use the powder room.

Michael Scott

All right.

Girl in 2nd club

So I'll see ya soon.

Michael Scott

Very perfect. (girl walks away, Michael laughs) Oh my (notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1) This needs to be shared. (takes a picture with his camera phone) (Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan)

Scene 35

7 lines

Michael Scott

She washes dogs.

Ryan Howard

You're doing it man.

Michael Scott

I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.

Ryan Howard

Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world?

Michael Scott

Yeah, maybe. (notices previous girl talking to another guy)

Ryan Howard

It's inevitable, right?

Michael Scott

Hmm...

Scene 36

9 lines

Jim Halpert

(on phone) Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up.

Hank Tate

Hello?

Jim Halpert

Haaank. Is that you?

Hank Tate

Yeah.

Jim Halpert

Still haven't left the house yet, huh?

Hank Tate

I'll get ready to leave.

Jim Halpert

Good. Please hurry.

Hank Tate

(on phone) Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!

Jim Halpert

Will do. (hangs up) I'll stop calling.

Scene 37

1 line

Michael Scott

(on phonne) I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... (Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over) Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.

Scene 38

4 lines

Pam Beesly

Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.

Oscar Martinez

Why?

Pam Beesly

I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. (a few chuckles)

Toby Flenderson

More like "Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday." (more laughs) (Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand) I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. (runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away)

Scene 39

14 lines

Michael Scott

(Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club) Those girls really wailed on you bad.

Ryan Howard

Why wouldn't they let me dance?

Michael Scott

Well...

Troy

OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. (runs away)

Michael Scott

Pretty weird. (Dwight and tall girl run out of club)

Tall Girl #1

(to Dwight) You have to go with me.

Dwight Schrute

I do, I have to go.

Tall Girl #1

Stay. Stay, please?

Dwight Schrute

No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?

Tall Girl #1

Call me.

Dwight Schrute

Uh huh. (to Ryan and Michael) I'm not gonna call her.

Michael Scott

Let's go.

Ryan Howard

I don't wanna go back in.

Michael Scott

I know, here we go.

Scene 40

7 lines

Jim Halpert

(notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate) Cleaning people. Oscar. (everyone starts to walk outside) OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us.

Oscar Martinez

Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?

Jim Halpert

I... just... if they speak Spanish.

Oscar Martinez

(to cleaning people) Good evening, we locked ourselves in. (women don't respond) Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK?

Cleaning lady

Ohh...

Oscar Martinez

They happened to speak Spanish.

Jim Halpert

Lucky us.

Scene 41

23 lines

Ryan Howard

This is a one time thing, you know that right? (they walk into Ryan's apartment)

Dwight Schrute

Wow.

Michael Scott

This is it.

Dwight Schrute

All right.

Michael Scott

This is where the magic happens.

Dwight Schrute

Nice.

Michael Scott

Very nice.

Ryan Howard

One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have...

Dwight Schrute

I got sofa. I got sofa.

Michael Scott

Dwight, I'm the boss.

Dwight Schrute

I got floor.

Michael Scott

Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on.

Dwight Schrute

(to Ryan) Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?

Ryan Howard

No. (Dwight starts singing in German)

Michael Scott

Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone.

Dwight Schrute

It's a lullaby.

Michael Scott

Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off.

Ryan Howard

No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?

Dwight Schrute

I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.

Michael Scott

Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.

Ryan Howard

Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK?

Dwight Schrute

OK. Good night Ryan.

Michael Scott

Best night ever.

Scene 42

1 line

Michael Scott

Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys.

Scene 43

1 line

Hank Tate

(drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone) Son of a bitch.