Every line from The Office episode "Night Out", season 4 episode 11.
Pam Beesly: What's wrong Michael?
Michael Scott: I got gum in my hair.
Michael Scott: This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it.
Dwight Schrute: You've got a ton of dandruff.
Michael Scott: OK, let me be.
Jim Halpert: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael Scott: I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim Halpert: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael Scott: Kill me... right now.
Pam Beesly: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael Scott: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim Halpert: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.
Pam Beesly: No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.
Michael Scott: Smells good.
Dwight Schrute: Taste good too.
Michael Scott: Oh don't. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: Wow! Lot of calories.
Michael Scott: Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice.
Michael Scott: I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.
Jim Halpert: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?
Ryan Howard: Love it. Go.
Jim Halpert: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.
Ryan Howard: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that.
Ryan Howard: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?
Jim Halpert: Did I? I don't...
Ryan Howard: You did. Yeah.
Ryan Howard: Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding.
Michael Scott: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or...
Ryan Howard: Ok thanks Michael.
Ryan Howard: I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.
Dwight Schrute: Question.
Dwight Schrute: Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?
Ryan Howard: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.
Stanley Hudson: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that.
Ryan Howard: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O.
Stanley Hudson: When will that be?
Ryan Howard: TBD. Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: Did the police solve the problem with the...
Ryan Howard: Yes, yes they did, yes they did.
Dwight Schrute: I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.
Ryan Howard: It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store.
Jim Halpert: And then an older gentleman asked you "Boxers or briefs?"
Creed Bratton: I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site.
Kelly Kapoor: If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan Howard: Do you have a question Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?
Michael Scott: (slow clapping) Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good.
Michael Scott: Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.
Michael Scott: Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. (hugs Ryan)
Ryan Howard: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.
Michael Scott: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.
Michael Scott: Well you tried.
Ryan Howard: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.
Michael Scott: They sound great.
Ryan Howard: Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace.
Michael Scott: Would you have sex with Meredith?
Michael Scott: Do you think she'd keep it quiet?
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna go to my desk.
Michael Scott: Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that...
Michael Scott: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.
Michael Scott: Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.
Jim Halpert: I'm not single.
Michael Scott: Who you dating?
Michael Scott: That's still going on?
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls.
Andy Bernard: Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying.
Angela Martin: I'm right here.
Dwight Schrute: No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.
Michael Scott: Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift.
Angela Martin: We get it.
Michael Scott: I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) With sex!
Michael Scott: That's... I, I think that...
Michael Scott: Place is packed.
Dwight Schrute: Fire hazard.
Michael Scott: Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall.
Dwight Schrute: Women look like white slaves.
Michael Scott: No, they're just hotties.
Ryan Howard: I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour.
Ryan Howard: What are you doing here?
Michael Scott: Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada.
Ryan Howard: That is so awesome man!
Ryan Howard: And you brought this guy!
Michael Scott: Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.
Ryan Howard: I know it's you guys.
Ryan Howard: I'm so psyched you're here!
Ryan Howard: Let's get a drink.
Michael Scott: Let's do it!
Stanley Hudson: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim Halpert: Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam Beesly: You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley Hudson: Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead.
Ryan Howard: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy.
Michael Scott: Hey, nice to meet you.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.
Ryan Howard: Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit.
Ryan Howard: Bottle service ya'll?
Michael Scott: Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Waitress: We don't serve food here.
Michael Scott: Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries.
Dwight Schrute: Do you live in a regular sized house?
Ryan Howard: Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool.
Jim Halpert: You really don't have his phone number?
Pam Beesly: I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?
Toby Flenderson: I might have it in here.
Pam Beesly: Aw! That's great Toby.
Toby Flenderson: It's so random that I have it.
Pam Beesly: Toby, you're the best.
Toby Flenderson: When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it.
Jim Halpert: Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or...
Jim Halpert: It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick.
Andy Bernard: Yes, it's Eddie.
Jim Halpert: It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or...
Creed Bratton: Hank, his name is Hank.
Jim Halpert: No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar?
Jim Halpert: Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here?
Ryan Howard: Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms?
Ryan Howard: This guy owns his own beet farm.
Dwight Schrute: Well it's weevil season but we were prepared.
Ryan Howard: Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out.
Ryan Howard: Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
Dwight Schrute: You've already been several times.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.
Ryan Howard: I don't know, maybe.
Dwight Schrute: I'll order you some cranberry juice.
Ryan Howard: With vodka, you're the best.
Dwight Schrute: (to troy) Do you have powers?
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. (to office co-workers) Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. (lowers voice) He said it should just be under an hour, so... (everyone groans) we did it.
Oscar Martinez: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby Flenderson: Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela Martin: Yeah, neither did I.
Phyllis Vance: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Kevin Malone: Way to go, man.
Kelly Kapoor: Now he's never gonna come.
Andy Bernard: By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? (people raise hands)
Michael Scott: I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.
Girl in Club: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael Scott: Back to the Future? (she shakes head) Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course.
Girl in Club: How old are you?
Michael Scott: Forty... I'm in my forties.
Girl in Club: Wow. That's so cool.
Girl in Club: Well I'm gonna go back to my group now.
Girl in Club: Thanks for the drink.
Michael Scott: You are welcome.
Michael Scott: This place is like sexy pre-school.
Ryan Howard: Did you want a place where we could meet older women?
Michael Scott: I would love a place where we could meet older girls.
Ryan Howard: Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. (smashes beer bottle on the floor)
Michael Scott: Ahh, wow. That's dangerous.
Ryan Howard: (to bouncer) Check again, Ryan Howard.
Dwight Schrute: (to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder) Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute: (referring to girls in front of him) How did you all find each other?
Tall Girl #1: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs.
Ryan Howard: (to Dwight, Michael and Troy) It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.
Michael Scott: You're kidding.
Ryan Howard: Let's bail. (starts to leave)
Dwight Schrute: Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. (turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players) You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.
Tall Girl #2: We're not going unless we can all go.
Dwight Schrute: OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him (referring to Troy). Let's go, c'mon. Here we go.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, look what I found in the back. (shows a football to Pam) Wanna play? Teach you to throw.
Pam Beesly: I know how to throw a football.
Toby Flenderson: Course you do.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! (Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face)
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?
Bartender: It's for you. From them. (points to Jersey State girls across the bar)
Dwight Schrute: Oh. (dumps drink out)
Troy: What are you doing man?
Dwight Schrute: It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. (to girls) Nice try.
Michael Scott: I think so.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I have fun.
Girl in 2nd club: I'm just gonna just use the powder room.
Michael Scott: All right.
Girl in 2nd club: So I'll see ya soon.
Michael Scott: Very perfect. (girl walks away, Michael laughs) Oh my (notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1) This needs to be shared. (takes a picture with his camera phone) (Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan)
Michael Scott: She washes dogs.
Ryan Howard: You're doing it man.
Michael Scott: I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.
Ryan Howard: Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world?
Michael Scott: Yeah, maybe. (notices previous girl talking to another guy)
Ryan Howard: It's inevitable, right?
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up.
Jim Halpert: Haaank. Is that you?
Jim Halpert: Still haven't left the house yet, huh?
Hank Tate: I'll get ready to leave.
Jim Halpert: Good. Please hurry.
Hank Tate: (on phone) Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!
Jim Halpert: Will do. (hangs up) I'll stop calling.
Pam Beesly: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.
Pam Beesly: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. (a few chuckles)
Toby Flenderson: More like "Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday." (more laughs) (Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand) I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. (runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away)
Michael Scott: (Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club) Those girls really wailed on you bad.
Ryan Howard: Why wouldn't they let me dance?
Troy: OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. (runs away)
Michael Scott: Pretty weird. (Dwight and tall girl run out of club)
Tall Girl #1: (to Dwight) You have to go with me.
Dwight Schrute: I do, I have to go.
Tall Girl #1: Stay. Stay, please?
Dwight Schrute: No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?
Dwight Schrute: Uh huh. (to Ryan and Michael) I'm not gonna call her.
Ryan Howard: I don't wanna go back in.
Michael Scott: I know, here we go.
Jim Halpert: (notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate) Cleaning people. Oscar. (everyone starts to walk outside) OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us.
Oscar Martinez: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Jim Halpert: I... just... if they speak Spanish.
Oscar Martinez: (to cleaning people) Good evening, we locked ourselves in. (women don't respond) Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK?
Oscar Martinez: They happened to speak Spanish.
Ryan Howard: This is a one time thing, you know that right? (they walk into Ryan's apartment)
Michael Scott: This is it.
Dwight Schrute: All right.
Michael Scott: This is where the magic happens.
Michael Scott: Very nice.
Ryan Howard: One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have...
Dwight Schrute: I got sofa. I got sofa.
Michael Scott: Dwight, I'm the boss.
Dwight Schrute: I got floor.
Michael Scott: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on.
Dwight Schrute: (to Ryan) Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?
Ryan Howard: No. (Dwight starts singing in German)
Michael Scott: Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone.
Dwight Schrute: It's a lullaby.
Michael Scott: Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off.
Ryan Howard: No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight Schrute: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael Scott: Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.
Ryan Howard: Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK?
Dwight Schrute: OK. Good night Ryan.
Michael Scott: Best night ever.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 4. Night Out is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.