Every line from The Office episode "Did I Stutter?", season 4 episode 12.
Michael Scott: Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!
Pam Beesly: Michael we don't know what you're talking about...
Michael Scott: Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?
Kevin Malone: Michael you could put your initials in it.
Michael Scott: M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't...
Jim Halpert: Yeah that's true.
Michael Scott: Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!
Michael Scott: Here we go!
Michael Scott: Let's, yes?
Phyllis Vance: When I was a little girl...
Michael Scott: Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!
Phyllis Vance: We-we found some wet cement in the park...
Michael Scott: It's drying, it's drying...
Phyllis Vance: In our neighborhood...
Michael Scott: Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!
Phyllis Vance: What did we write?
Michael Scott: Ahh come on!
Andy Bernard: Here it is, you should draw a picture...
Andy Bernard: Cause that says, that says...
Andy Bernard: So much more than words...
Michael Scott: No!! Come on, gimme something good!
Kelly Kapoor: Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good...
Michael Scott: Pam, translate.
Pam Beesly: She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.
Michael Scott: I love it!
Jim Halpert: If you were a real star you would put your face in it.
Michael Scott: I love it more!
Oscar Martinez: Michael that doesn't seem... safe.
Michael Scott: I... love it!! Haha, come on!
Dwight Schrute: Come on! (Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael)
Jim Halpert: We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man.
Michael Scott: (with petroleum jelly on his face) Hurry, please.
Jim Halpert: Greatness is only skin deep, some people say...
Dwight Schrute: Can you breathe?
Jim Halpert: Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside...
Dwight Schrute: Hold your breath.
Jim Halpert: And in this case...
Jim Halpert: That's also not true.
Dwight Schrute: And... go. (Michael sticks his face in the cement) Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: (muffled) That's what she said.
Andy Bernard: (playing with Madlibs) Okay, adjective...
Angela Martin: Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice.
Andy Bernard: Good one. Okay, you ready?
Andy Bernard: (reads) The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. "Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?"
Angela Martin: (laughing) It's a man eating cat food.
Andy Bernard: What about a cat eating man food?
Michael Scott: All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction...
Pam Beesly: I don't have my contacts...
Michael Scott: Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.
Michael Scott: Ener-gize...
Jim Halpert: You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly...
Pam Beesly: Don't, don't--
Pam Beesly: If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no.
Jim Halpert: Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world.
Michael Scott: Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?
Andy Bernard: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?
Michael Scott: Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?
Jim Halpert: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?
Michael Scott: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme...
Jim Halpert: An urban thing...
Michael Scott: An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley...
Michael Scott: Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group.
Michael Scott: Stanley, we're havin a little...
Stanley Hudson: Leave me alone, dammit.
Michael Scott: We're havin a little brainstorm session...
Stanley Hudson: DID I STUTTER?
Michael Scott: ...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.
Toby Flenderson: Can I talk to you a second?
Michael Scott: Ugh, what?
Toby Flenderson: Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning...
Michael Scott: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
Toby Flenderson: Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.
Michael Scott: That? In the conference room?
Michael Scott: We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said "did I stutter," and I said "wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright?
Toby Flenderson: He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael Scott: Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: "Hey um, you're poor." "Well hey, you're mama's dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.
Toby Flenderson: Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking...
Toby Flenderson: Um, why don't you go ask him that?
Michael Scott: Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but...
Toby Flenderson: You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school...
Michael Scott: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.
Dwight Schrute: (kicks the car) Unh! Scratch.
Andy Bernard: That's a racing stripe.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, bumper's sagging.
Andy Bernard: Mmm, I doubt that very much.
Dwight Schrute: This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy Bernard: How next to?
Dwight Schrute: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Andy Bernard: I have to pick one of those?
Andy Bernard: Can you go over those options again?
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now.
Andy Bernard: Well I have the, the blue book value...
Dwight Schrute: Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one--
Andy Bernard: Can I think about it?
Dwight Schrute: Five, four, three, two...
Andy Bernard: Let me think about it--
Dwight Schrute: Now. Now. Now.
Andy Bernard: Let me think about it--
Dwight Schrute: Say it. Do it. Now.
Andy Bernard: I'm thinking about it--
Dwight Schrute: Do it now.
Dwight Schrute: Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. All right!
Michael Scott: I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.
Stanley Hudson: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool.
Stanley Hudson: I am not going to apologize to you.
Dwight Schrute: Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it?
Dwight Schrute: There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...
Dwight Schrute: However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.
Michael Scott: What's the pink?
Dwight Schrute: Menstrual cycles.
Michael Scott: Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?
Michael Scott: Other than me.
Dwight Schrute: Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.
Michael Scott: I never said you could do that.
Dwight Schrute: All you have to do it say it.
Dwight Schrute: Just say it.
Michael Scott: Okay, I will think about it.
Dwight Schrute: Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it.
Dwight Schrute: So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.
Kevin Malone: Hey Pam, I really like your glasses.
Kevin Malone: All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually...
Pam Beesly: I should probably get back to...
Kevin Malone: Like librarians.
Pam Beesly: Entering the....
Kevin Malone: Could you just say, "these are due back Thursday"?
Pam Beesly: No. (Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. (puts a notepad close to her face and writes message)
Darryl Philbin: I'm very busy here, man.
Michael Scott: Darryl, (clears throat) have you ever been in a gang?
Michael Scott: It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...
Darryl Philbin: No, no, no...
Michael Scott: I know, it's very, very personal...
Darryl Philbin: No, um... I have.
Michael Scott: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors...
Michael Scott: Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl Philbin: Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott: Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?
Darryl Philbin: Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers.
Michael Scott: What is that?
Darryl Philbin: That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone.
Michael Scott: I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl Philbin: Well, it's effective.
Ryan Howard: (to Toby) I think it's self-explanatory. (to Jim) Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?
Ryan Howard: How do you live with a franchise this bad?
Jim Halpert: On a wing and a prayer, mostly.
Ryan Howard: Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.
Jim Halpert: A formal warning... (chuckles)
Ryan Howard: It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Jim Halpert: (stammers) I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.
Ryan Howard: This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really...
Ryan Howard: Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?
Andy Bernard: What the hell is this all about? (holds up flier) You're flipping my car for profit.
Dwight Schrute: It's my car now.
Andy Bernard: I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.
Pam Beesly: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: It's like a mock execution.
Jim Halpert: That's not a good idea.
Michael Scott: Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.
Toby Flenderson: Well, you can actually fire him.
Michael Scott: No, okay... I've had enough of you.
Oscar Martinez: Why are you telling us this?
Michael Scott: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?
Kevin Malone: Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.
Michael Scott: I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. (Stanley enters the room) Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley Hudson: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
Stanley Hudson: You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?
Stanley Hudson: I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.
Michael Scott: Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.
Stanley Hudson: So I'm not fired.
Michael Scott: That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Stanley Hudson: Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?
Stanley Hudson: Do you have any idea how to run an office?
Stanley Hudson: Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.
Michael Scott: That's not-
Stanley Hudson: And I think, "there's no possible way--
Michael Scott: All right, all right...
Stanley Hudson: He can top that."
Stanley Hudson: But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!
Michael Scott: Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.
Michael Scott: Everybody, except Stanley.
Pam Beesly: I can't find my glasses.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here.
Michael Scott: (starts to cry) I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, for the love of God.
Michael Scott: You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.
Stanley Hudson: Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael Scott: Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley Hudson: Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael Scott: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley Hudson: Fair enough.
Michael Scott: I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. (as Rodney Dangerfield) Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, "I don't respect you!" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. (as Jeff Foxworthy) If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. (as Borat) Respect is niiice. Borat. (as Rodney Dangerfield) What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!
Michael Scott: So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Has potential to be your best idea yet. (Michael smiles)
Phyllis Vance: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. (laughs)
Michael Scott: Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 4. Did I Stutter? is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.