Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Did I Stutter?

Vol. 4 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Michael Scott tries to leave his mark in wet cement while Stanley finally hits his breaking point during a meeting. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Michael's disastrous attempt at a fake firing and Ryan's random power trip over Jim. It is the best place to find all the dialogue from this high-tension Dunder Mifflin standoff.

Scene 01

34 lines
Michael Scott
Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!
Pam Beesly
Michael we don't know what you're talking about...
Michael Scott
Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?
Kevin Malone
Michael you could put your initials in it.
Michael Scott
M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't...
Jim Halpert
Yeah that's true.
Michael Scott
Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!
Phyllis Vance
We-- we--
Michael Scott
Here we go!
Phyllis Vance
Well--
Michael Scott
Let's, yes?
Phyllis Vance
When I was a little girl...
Michael Scott
Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!
Phyllis Vance
We-we found some wet cement in the park...
Michael Scott
It's drying, it's drying...
Phyllis Vance
In our neighborhood...
Michael Scott
Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!
Phyllis Vance
What did we write?
Michael Scott
Ahh come on!
Andy Bernard
Here it is, you should draw a picture...
Michael Scott
No!
Andy Bernard
Cause that says, that says...
Michael Scott
No!
Andy Bernard
So much more than words...
Michael Scott
No!! Come on, gimme something good!
Kelly Kapoor
Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good...
Michael Scott
Pam, translate.
Pam Beesly
She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.
Michael Scott
I love it!
Jim Halpert
If you were a real star you would put your face in it.
Michael Scott
I love it more!
Oscar Martinez
Michael that doesn't seem... safe.
Michael Scott
I... love it!! Haha, come on!
Dwight Schrute
Come on! (Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael)

Scene 02

11 lines
Jim Halpert
We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man.
Michael Scott
(with petroleum jelly on his face) Hurry, please.
Jim Halpert
Greatness is only skin deep, some people say...
Dwight Schrute
Can you breathe?
Jim Halpert
Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside...
Dwight Schrute
Hold your breath.
Jim Halpert
And in this case...
Dwight Schrute
Ready?
Jim Halpert
That's also not true.
Dwight Schrute
And... go. (Michael sticks his face in the cement) Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott
(muffled) That's what she said.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole..." I dunno, it's a good feeling.

Scene 04

7 lines
Andy Bernard
(playing with Madlibs) Okay, adjective...
Angela Martin
Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice.
Andy Bernard
Good one. Okay, you ready?
Angela Martin
Mmhmm.
Andy Bernard
(reads) The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. "Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?"
Angela Martin
(laughing) It's a man eating cat food.
Andy Bernard
What about a cat eating man food?

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
(wearing glasses) Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up.

Scene 07

3 lines
Michael Scott
All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction...
Pam Beesly
I don't have my contacts...
Michael Scott
Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.

Scene 08

21 lines
Michael Scott
Ener-gize...
Jim Halpert
You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly...
Pam Beesly
Don't, don't--
Jim Halpert
Would...
Pam Beesly
If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no.
Jim Halpert
Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world.
Michael Scott
Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?
Andy Bernard
What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?
Michael Scott
Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?
Jim Halpert
What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?
Michael Scott
Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme...
Jim Halpert
An urban thing...
Michael Scott
An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley...
Stanley Hudson
Not me.
Michael Scott
Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group.
Stanley Hudson
No.
Michael Scott
Stanley, we're havin a little...
Stanley Hudson
Leave me alone, dammit.
Michael Scott
We're havin a little brainstorm session...
Stanley Hudson
DID I STUTTER?
Michael Scott
...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.

Scene 09

16 lines
Toby Flenderson
Can I talk to you a second?
Michael Scott
Ugh, what?
Toby Flenderson
Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning...
Michael Scott
What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
Toby Flenderson
Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.
Michael Scott
That? In the conference room?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah.
Michael Scott
We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said "did I stutter," and I said "wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright?
Toby Flenderson
He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael Scott
Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: "Hey um, you're poor." "Well hey, you're mama's dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.
Toby Flenderson
Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking...
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Toby Flenderson
Um, why don't you go ask him that?
Michael Scott
Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but...
Toby Flenderson
You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school...
Michael Scott
Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.

Scene 10

1 line
Andy Bernard
You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker.

Scene 11

24 lines
Dwight Schrute
(kicks the car) Unh! Scratch.
Andy Bernard
That's a racing stripe.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, bumper's sagging.
Andy Bernard
Mmm, I doubt that very much.
Dwight Schrute
This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy Bernard
How next to?
Dwight Schrute
Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Andy Bernard
I have to pick one of those?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Can you go over those options again?
Dwight Schrute
You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now.
Andy Bernard
Well I have the, the blue book value...
Dwight Schrute
Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one--
Andy Bernard
Can I think about it?
Dwight Schrute
Five, four, three, two...
Andy Bernard
Let me think about it--
Dwight Schrute
Now. Now. Now.
Andy Bernard
Let me think about it--
Dwight Schrute
Say it. Do it. Now.
Andy Bernard
I'm thinking about it--
Dwight Schrute
Do it now.
Andy Bernard
Thinking--
Dwight Schrute
Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. All right!

Scene 12

5 lines
Stanley Hudson
What.
Michael Scott
I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.
Stanley Hudson
What are you talking about?
Michael Scott
Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool.
Stanley Hudson
I am not going to apologize to you.

Scene 13

1 line
Stanley Hudson
It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.

Scene 14

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it?
Michael Scott
Uh huh...
Dwight Schrute
There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...
Michael Scott
Great
Dwight Schrute
However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.
Michael Scott
What's the pink?
Dwight Schrute
Menstrual cycles.
Michael Scott
Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?
Dwight Schrute
You.
Michael Scott
Other than me.
Dwight Schrute
Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.
Michael Scott
I never said you could do that.
Dwight Schrute
All you have to do it say it.
Michael Scott
I...
Dwight Schrute
Just say it.
Michael Scott
Okay, I will think about it.
Dwight Schrute
Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it.
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.

Scene 15

10 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey Pam, I really like your glasses.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thanks.
Kevin Malone
All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay...
Kevin Malone
Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually...
Pam Beesly
I should probably get back to...
Kevin Malone
Like librarians.
Pam Beesly
Entering the....
Kevin Malone
Could you just say, "these are due back Thursday"?
Pam Beesly
No. (Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. (puts a notepad close to her face and writes message)

Scene 16

1 line
Creed Bratton
A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Scene 17

25 lines
Darryl Philbin
Mike.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Darryl Philbin
I'm very busy here, man.
Michael Scott
Darryl, (clears throat) have you ever been in a gang?
Darryl Philbin
Why?
Michael Scott
It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...
Darryl Philbin
No, no, no...
Michael Scott
I know, it's very, very personal...
Darryl Philbin
No, um... I have.
Michael Scott
I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?
Darryl Philbin
Both.
Michael Scott
God.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors...
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
Newsies.
Michael Scott
Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl Philbin
Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott
Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?
Darryl Philbin
Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers.
Michael Scott
What is that?
Darryl Philbin
That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.
Michael Scott
Really?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone.
Michael Scott
I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl Philbin
Well, it's effective.

Scene 18

11 lines
Ryan Howard
(to Toby) I think it's self-explanatory. (to Jim) Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?
Jim Halpert
Oh boy...
Ryan Howard
How do you live with a franchise this bad?
Jim Halpert
On a wing and a prayer, mostly.
Ryan Howard
Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.
Jim Halpert
A formal warning... (chuckles)
Ryan Howard
It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Jim Halpert
(stammers) I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.
Ryan Howard
This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really...
Ryan Howard
Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?

Scene 19

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam

Scene 20

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?
Jim Halpert
Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff...
Pam Beesly
Because you're very important?
Jim Halpert
Yeah...

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(washing the Xterra) Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!

Scene 22

4 lines
Andy Bernard
What the hell is this all about? (holds up flier) You're flipping my car for profit.
Dwight Schrute
It's my car now.
Andy Bernard
I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.

Scene 23

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.

Scene 24

11 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.
Pam Beesly
What does that mean?
Michael Scott
It's like a mock execution.
Jim Halpert
That's not a good idea.
Michael Scott
Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.
Toby Flenderson
Well, you can actually fire him.
Michael Scott
No, okay... I've had enough of you.
Oscar Martinez
Why are you telling us this?
Michael Scott
Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?
Kevin Malone
Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.
Michael Scott
I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. (Stanley enters the room) Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?

Scene 25

27 lines
Michael Scott
Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley Hudson
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
Stanley Hudson
You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?
Michael Scott
Hmm.
Stanley Hudson
I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.
Michael Scott
Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.
Stanley Hudson
So I'm not fired.
Michael Scott
That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Stanley Hudson
Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?
Michael Scott
Okay...
Stanley Hudson
Do you have any idea how to run an office?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Stanley Hudson
Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.
Michael Scott
That's not-
Stanley Hudson
And I think, "there's no possible way--
Michael Scott
All right, all right...
Stanley Hudson
He can top that."
Michael Scott
Okay.
Stanley Hudson
But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!
Michael Scott
Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.
Jim Halpert
Who?
Michael Scott
Everybody, except Stanley.
Jim Halpert
Let's go.
Pam Beesly
I can't find my glasses.
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here.
Pam Beesly
Okay, okay.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
(chuckling) It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!

Scene 27

8 lines
Michael Scott
(starts to cry) I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, for the love of God.
Michael Scott
You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.
Stanley Hudson
Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael Scott
Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley Hudson
Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael Scott
All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley Hudson
Fair enough.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. (as Rodney Dangerfield) Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, "I don't respect you!" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. (as Jeff Foxworthy) If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. (as Borat) Respect is niiice. Borat. (as Rodney Dangerfield) What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!

Scene 29

4 lines
Michael Scott
So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
Has potential to be your best idea yet. (Michael smiles)
Phyllis Vance
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. (laughs)
Michael Scott
Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.