Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Job Fair

Vol. 4 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Michael heads back to high school to find some fresh blood for the office, but he mostly just ends up offending potential interns and the Air Force. While Jim hits the golf course to save his job, you can follow along with every line from the episode right here. It is the perfect place to find that one specific quote about Pam being eye candy or Michael's thoughts on H&R Block.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!
Oscar Martinez
Yes. (small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.)
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.

Scene 03

13 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, are we doing this thing?
Michael Scott
Yup.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama!
Michael Scott
Why are you dressed like that?
Darryl Philbin
(in a dress shirt and tie) Like what?
Michael Scott
Like you're applying for a loan.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe he's going to church. Or court.
Darryl Philbin
Figured I look presentable. (looks Michael over) You? (Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers) Went a different way.
Pam Beesly
(to Darryl) I think you look nice.
Michael & Darryl
(simultaneously) Thank you.
Michael Scott
Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.
Darryl Philbin
What college did you go to Mike?
Michael Scott
Let's go!

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try.

Scene 05

7 lines
Phil Maguire
(takes golf swing) Whoa!
Jim Halpert
Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years.
Phil Maguire
Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man.
Andy Bernard
Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! (they both laugh) Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95.
Phil Maguire
Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 (goes to shake Andy's hand)
Andy Bernard
Oop, got some blisties.
Phil Maguire
Yeah, you do.

Scene 06

1 line
Andy Bernard
Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. (shows blisters on both hands) It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.

Scene 07

3 lines
Phil
Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole?
Jim Halpert
Great!
Kevin Malone
What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What?

Scene 08

1 line
Kevin Malone
I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent.

Scene 09

1 line
Pam Beesly
So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days!

Scene 10

6 lines
Michael Scott
(Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs) A little over the top, don't you think?
Darryl Philbin
Show them what you brought, Mike.
Pam Beesly
(holds up single sheet of paper) Um, that's all we brought.
Michael Scott
This is all we need.
Oscar Martinez
We'll see.
Michael Scott
Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! (all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign) Hello!

Scene 11

2 lines
Kevin Malone
Andy, you're up, let's go!
Andy Bernard
(gushing lotion inside his golf gloves) Giddy up, let's do this.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my "knot" on.

Scene 13

1 line
Andy Bernard
(swings) Dammit!

Scene 14

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis Vance
I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go?
Creed Bratton
Yeah, and I finished my work months ago!
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? (Stanley gets up to go) Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - (Stanley leaves) He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences.
Phyllis Vance
What consequences?
Dwight Schrute
I will tell on you.

Scene 15

19 lines
Pam Beesly
There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake!
Justin
Cool.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs.
Michael Scott
Hello. Hi. (to Pam) Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Pam Beesly
This is Michael, my boss. (she points) Justin.
Michael Scott
Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, "only the best and the brightest."
Pam Beesly
He's nice and he seems interested.
Michael Scott
He's totally wrong, Pam. (to Justin) Hey.
Justin
Hi.
Michael Scott
How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. (takes back the info flyer Justin holds) Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby.
Justin
Sorry for wasting your time.
Michael Scott
Oh, no problem. (looks down) And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, the booth is lame without it.
Pam Beesly
I only brought the one.
Michael Scott
Are you mental?
Pam Beesly
Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, "Are you sure Michael?" And you said "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?
Michael Scott
I... don't.
Pam Beesly
Okay. I'll go look for another one. (she leaves)
Michael Scott
And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.

Scene 16

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?
Phil
I can't complain, people love their junk mail.
Jim Halpert
Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-
Phil
You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely, will do.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
So I guess I'll just... work on my short game.

Scene 18

6 lines
Michael Scott
(teen approaches table) Hello there.
Kid
What is this company?
Michael Scott
Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company...
Oscar Martinez
Dunder Mifflin paper.
Kid
Thanks. (walks away)
Michael Scott
Dammit, Oscar!

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being "lured" these days. Thank you Dateline!

Scene 20

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. (hangs up phone, leaves for restroom)
Angela Martin
Extension 128.
Creed Bratton
(over phone) Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed.
Creed Bratton
Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?
Angela Martin
No.
Creed Bratton
Are you out? (Angela hangs up) Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! (they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left)

Scene 21

1 line
Pam Beesly
My old art room. (finds a sheet of blank paper) Oh, maybe it's still here! (looks for her painting) No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind.

Scene 22

4 lines
Michael Scott
(answers cell) What do you want?
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day.
Michael Scott
Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?
Dwight Schrute
So... what else is up? (Michael hangs up) Mich-

Scene 23

8 lines
Michael Scott
Thank you! (Pam hands him blank paper) What, what is this?
Pam Beesly
A piece of paper.
Michael Scott
This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam Beesly
Well I think they'll get the spirit of it.
Michael Scott
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Pam Beesly
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
Yes. And don't call me Shirley.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 24

4 lines
Phil
Oh! (Phil is stuck in the sand trap) Ah, dammit!
Jim Halpert
You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey.
Phil
Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you.
Jim Halpert
Yep. (Maguire keeps swinging)

Scene 25

1 line
Angela & Dwight
(silently working) (Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it "voila" to camera, leaves)

Scene 26

13 lines
Andy Bernard
(Jim's cellphone rings) AH! Come on, Tuna!
Jim Halpert
Hey, can't really talk now, what's up?
Pam Beesly
Just checking in, how's it going?
Jim Halpert
Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see.
Pam Beesly
I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I like you.
Pam Beesly
Talk to you later?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. All right. Bye. (Kevin sinks putt) All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs?
Phil
You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. (Phil sinks putt) Six.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
All right, race to the next hole! (he runs off to the cart)
Kevin Malone
Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!
Andy Bernard
Shortcut! Shortcut! (drives cart off course, it flips over) Woah! I fell in the sandtrap!

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him)

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
Hey! (walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball) Game over. (kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling)

Scene 30

5 lines
Michael Scott
(singsong) Just-in time.
Justin
Hi.
Michael Scott
Just-in case. What's your last name?
Justin
Polznik.
Michael Scott
This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now.

Scene 32

14 lines
Michael Scott
I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
Oscar Martinez
Hey.
Justin
Hi.
Michael Scott
This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will "do" you. (laughs) No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?
Pam Beesly
Excuse me.
Michael Scott
Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar Martinez
Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face?
Michael Scott
So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special.
Justin
You didn't want me before. That's what you said.
Michael Scott
No, I didn't. You misconstrued me.
Justin
You were kind of a jerk to me.
Michael Scott
I, uh, hmm.
Justin
And I'm, I'm gonna go now.
Michael Scott
Why don't... hey.

Scene 33

1 line
Andy Bernard
(trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.)

Scene 34

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(tries to stop a sneeze) Ah-choo!
Angela Martin
Bless you.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. (Angela turns to look at him.)

Scene 35

10 lines
Kevin Malone
Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty.
Phil
Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often.
Andy Bernard
Count me in!
Phil
No.
Andy Bernard
All right!
Jim Halpert
Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me?
Phil
I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely.
Maguire
Good playing with you guys.
Andy Bernard
Right on.

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Scene 37

2 lines
Woman on mic
The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled.
Michael Scott
Hold down the fort, I have to do something. (walks up to microphone) Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? (Airforce recruiter glares at Michael) Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe.

Scene 38

2 lines
Angela Martin
(Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
You're welcome.

Scene 39

7 lines
Pam Beesly
(clink of beer bottles) Beers? You closed it?
Jim Halpert
I closed it!
Pam Beesly
Yes! Oh! (runs into his arms, kisses him) Um, congratulations to you, sir. (they shake hands business-like)
Jim Halpert
Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it.
Pam Beesly
Well done.
Jim Halpert
Thank you. You know what, screw this! (pulls Pam into a big smooch)
Kevin Malone
Oooh! (Kevin and Andy add suggestive "bow-chicka-wow-wow" vocals)

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
(standing way too close to Jim and Pam) Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. (Jim and Pam stop kissing)

Scene 42

21 lines
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Graphics guy
Hello.
Pam Beesly
I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have?
Graphics guy
Are you interested in graphic design?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Can I fill out an application?
Graphics guy
Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess.
Pam Beesly
I can do that.
Graphics guy
Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics.
Pam Beesly
I don't know any of those.
Graphics guy
(laughs) It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design.
Pam Beesly
New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
All right. Cool, well... thanks.
Graphics guy
Sure.
Pam Beesly
And uh, I'll look into those.
Graphics guy
You should.
Pam Beesly
New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy
Absolutely.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Graphics guy
It's where the action is.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.