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Season 4 Episode 13
Job Fair

Every line from The Office episode "Job Fair", season 4 episode 13.

Michael Scott: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!
Oscar Martinez: Yes. (small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.)
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.
Michael Scott: Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, are we doing this thing?
Michael Scott: Yup.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama!
Michael Scott: Why are you dressed like that?
Darryl Philbin: (in a dress shirt and tie) Like what?
Michael Scott: Like you're applying for a loan.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe he's going to church. Or court.
Darryl Philbin: Figured I look presentable. (looks Michael over) You? (Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers) Went a different way.
Pam Beesly: (to Darryl) I think you look nice.
Michael & Darryl: (simultaneously) Thank you.
Michael Scott: Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.
Darryl Philbin: What college did you go to Mike?
Michael Scott: Let's go!
Jim Halpert: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try.
Phil Maguire: (takes golf swing) Whoa!
Jim Halpert: Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years.
Phil Maguire: Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man.
Andy Bernard: Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! (they both laugh) Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95.
Phil Maguire: Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 (goes to shake Andy's hand)
Andy Bernard: Oop, got some blisties.
Phil Maguire: Yeah, you do.
Andy Bernard: Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. (shows blisters on both hands) It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.
Phil: Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole?
Jim Halpert: Great!
Kevin Malone: What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What?
Kevin Malone: I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent.
Pam Beesly: So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days!
Michael Scott: (Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs) A little over the top, don't you think?
Darryl Philbin: Show them what you brought, Mike.
Pam Beesly: (holds up single sheet of paper) Um, that's all we brought.
Michael Scott: This is all we need.
Oscar Martinez: We'll see.
Michael Scott: Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! (all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign) Hello!
Kevin Malone: Andy, you're up, let's go!
Andy Bernard: (gushing lotion inside his golf gloves) Giddy up, let's do this.
Andy Bernard: People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my "knot" on.
Andy Bernard: (swings) Dammit!
Meredith Palmer: Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis Vance: I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go?
Creed Bratton: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago!
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? (Stanley gets up to go) Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - (Stanley leaves) He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences.
Phyllis Vance: What consequences?
Dwight Schrute: I will tell on you.
Pam Beesly: There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake!
Justin: Cool.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs.
Michael Scott: Hello. Hi. (to Pam) Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Pam Beesly: This is Michael, my boss. (she points) Justin.
Michael Scott: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, "only the best and the brightest."
Pam Beesly: He's nice and he seems interested.
Michael Scott: He's totally wrong, Pam. (to Justin) Hey.
Justin: Hi.
Michael Scott: How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. (takes back the info flyer Justin holds) Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby.
Justin: Sorry for wasting your time.
Michael Scott: Oh, no problem. (looks down) And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, the booth is lame without it.
Pam Beesly: I only brought the one.
Michael Scott: Are you mental?
Pam Beesly: Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, "Are you sure Michael?" And you said "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?
Michael Scott: I... don't.
Pam Beesly: Okay. I'll go look for another one. (she leaves)
Michael Scott: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.
Jim Halpert: Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?
Phil: I can't complain, people love their junk mail.
Jim Halpert: Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-
Phil: You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, will do.
Jim Halpert: So I guess I'll just... work on my short game.
Michael Scott: (teen approaches table) Hello there.
Kid: What is this company?
Michael Scott: Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company...
Oscar Martinez: Dunder Mifflin paper.
Kid: Thanks. (walks away)
Michael Scott: Dammit, Oscar!
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being "lured" these days. Thank you Dateline!
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. (hangs up phone, leaves for restroom)
Angela Martin: Extension 128.
Creed Bratton: (over phone) Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed.
Creed Bratton: Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?
Angela Martin: No.
Creed Bratton: Are you out? (Angela hangs up) Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! (they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left)
Pam Beesly: My old art room. (finds a sheet of blank paper) Oh, maybe it's still here! (looks for her painting) No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind.
Michael Scott: (answers cell) What do you want?
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day.
Michael Scott: Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?
Dwight Schrute: So... what else is up? (Michael hangs up) Mich-
Michael Scott: Thank you! (Pam hands him blank paper) What, what is this?
Pam Beesly: A piece of paper.
Michael Scott: This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam Beesly: Well I think they'll get the spirit of it.
Michael Scott: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Pam Beesly: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yes. And don't call me Shirley.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Phil: Oh! (Phil is stuck in the sand trap) Ah, dammit!
Jim Halpert: You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey.
Phil: Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Yep. (Maguire keeps swinging)
Angela & Dwight: (silently working) (Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it "voila" to camera, leaves)
Andy Bernard: (Jim's cellphone rings) AH! Come on, Tuna!
Jim Halpert: Hey, can't really talk now, what's up?
Pam Beesly: Just checking in, how's it going?
Jim Halpert: Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see.
Pam Beesly: I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I like you.
Pam Beesly: Talk to you later?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. All right. Bye. (Kevin sinks putt) All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs?
Phil: You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. (Phil sinks putt) Six.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: All right, race to the next hole! (he runs off to the cart)
Kevin Malone: Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!
Andy Bernard: Shortcut! Shortcut! (drives cart off course, it flips over) Woah! I fell in the sandtrap!
Dwight Schrute: (hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him)
Michael Scott: All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.
Michael Scott: Hey! (walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball) Game over. (kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling)
Michael Scott: (singsong) Just-in time.
Justin: Hi.
Michael Scott: Just-in case. What's your last name?
Justin: Polznik.
Michael Scott: This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?
Michael Scott: Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now.
Michael Scott: I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
Oscar Martinez: Hey.
Justin: Hi.
Michael Scott: This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will "do" you. (laughs) No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?
Pam Beesly: Excuse me.
Michael Scott: Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar Martinez: Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face?
Michael Scott: So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special.
Justin: You didn't want me before. That's what you said.
Michael Scott: No, I didn't. You misconstrued me.
Justin: You were kind of a jerk to me.
Michael Scott: I, uh, hmm.
Justin: And I'm, I'm gonna go now.
Michael Scott: Why don't... hey.
Andy Bernard: (trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.)
Dwight Schrute: (tries to stop a sneeze) Ah-choo!
Angela Martin: Bless you.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. (Angela turns to look at him.)
Kevin Malone: Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty.
Phil: Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often.
Andy Bernard: Count me in!
Phil: No.
Andy Bernard: All right!
Jim Halpert: Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me?
Phil: I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely.
Maguire: Good playing with you guys.
Andy Bernard: Right on.
Jim Halpert: You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good.
Woman on mic: The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled.
Michael Scott: Hold down the fort, I have to do something. (walks up to microphone) Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? (Airforce recruiter glares at Michael) Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe.
Angela Martin: (Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: You're welcome.
Pam Beesly: (clink of beer bottles) Beers? You closed it?
Jim Halpert: I closed it!
Pam Beesly: Yes! Oh! (runs into his arms, kisses him) Um, congratulations to you, sir. (they shake hands business-like)
Jim Halpert: Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it.
Pam Beesly: Well done.
Jim Halpert: Thank you. You know what, screw this! (pulls Pam into a big smooch)
Kevin Malone: Oooh! (Kevin and Andy add suggestive "bow-chicka-wow-wow" vocals)
Michael Scott: Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.
Michael Scott: (standing way too close to Jim and Pam) Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. (Jim and Pam stop kissing)
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Graphics guy: Hello.
Pam Beesly: I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have?
Graphics guy: Are you interested in graphic design?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Can I fill out an application?
Graphics guy: Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess.
Pam Beesly: I can do that.
Graphics guy: Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics.
Pam Beesly: I don't know any of those.
Graphics guy: (laughs) It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design.
Pam Beesly: New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: All right. Cool, well... thanks.
Graphics guy: Sure.
Pam Beesly: And uh, I'll look into those.
Graphics guy: You should.
Pam Beesly: New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy: Absolutely.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Graphics guy: It's where the action is.
Pam Beesly: Thanks.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 4. Job Fair is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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