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Season 4 Episode 14
Goodbye Toby

Every line from The Office episode "Goodbye Toby", season 4 episode 14.

Dwight Schrute: (cell phone rings) Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. (phone keeps ringing) Hello?
Jim Halpert: (presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Hello? Hello?
Jim Halpert: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second...
Dwight Schrute: Jim, what are you doing?
Jim Halpert: And how many would you like?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight Schrute: (into Jim's headset) This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!
Jim Halpert: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Dwight Schrute: (cell phone rings) K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Jim Halpert: (presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam Beesly: Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Yes it is.
Pam Beesly: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight Schrute: Woah, woah, woah, Pam!
Pam Beesly: Have you?
Dwight Schrute: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
Pam Beesly: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: No! (waves arms) Pam, I'm over here!
Pam Beesly: I'm confused...
Dwight Schrute: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Jim Halpert: Can't do that. Unsanitary.
Dwight Schrute: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. (presses buttons on his cell phone) Done.
Jim Halpert: (office phone rings at Jim's desk) This is Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.
Jim Halpert: Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. (hangs up) Such a nice woman.
Dwight Schrute: (slams cell phone on desk) Argh! Ahh!!
Michael Scott: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.
Toby Flenderson: Morning.
Michael Scott: Mornin'. (to camera) So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... (watch beeps)
Toby Flenderson: Good morning, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?
Toby Flenderson: Fine. Good.
Kelly Kapoor: I feel weird.
Michael Scott: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.
Angela Martin: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Angela Martin: But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...
Pam Beesly: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?
Michael Scott: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Angela Martin: Michael...
Michael Scott: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-
Angela Martin: No. You know-no!
Michael Scott: Toga!
Angela Martin: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them.
Michael Scott: I thought that you might say that. (takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe)
Michael Scott: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
Michael Scott: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.
Pam Beesly: So how much antigravity potion do you want?
Angela Martin: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, can you do this?
Phyllis Vance: (whispers) Yes.
Pam Beesly: Hi, can I help you?
Holly Flax: Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?
Toby Flenderson: As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.
Toby Flenderson: So this is H.R. This is your desk.
Holly Flax: I love the view.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
Pam Beesly: Hey. (kisses Jim on cheek)
Jim Halpert: Hey... What?
Pam Beesly: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.
Jim Halpert: No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!
Jim Halpert: Yes! So when do you start?
Pam Beesly: I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw "congratulations" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Busy morning.
Pam Beesly: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months...
Jim Halpert: It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.
Jim Halpert: See how easy that is?
Pam Beesly: Ohh... (they hug; she laughs)
Pam Beesly: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here!
Toby Flenderson: Hey, Stanley...
Stanley Hudson: Hmm?
Toby Flenderson: I want to introduce you to...
Michael Scott: (watching from his office) Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Dwight Schrute: So what do we know about her?
Michael Scott: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight Schrute: I hate her too.
Michael Scott: Why do you hate her?
Dwight Schrute: Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.
Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight Schrute: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael Scott: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Dwight Schrute: But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... (gasps)
Michael Scott: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
Phyllis Vance: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?
Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity machines?
Phyllis Vance: That's right. Yeah.
Woman over speakerphone: What do they do exactly?
Phyllis Vance: They make you feel lighter...
Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.
Phyllis Vance: Okay.
Michael Scott: (knock on door) Yeah.
Toby Flenderson: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, do you still work here?
Toby Flenderson: I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.
Michael Scott: Nah.
Toby Flenderson: Come on.
Michael Scott: No. I think I will pass.
Toby Flenderson: Michael Scott, this is Holly.
Holly Flax: Hi.
Michael Scott: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.
Holly Flax: Man, someone doesn't like H.R.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: (to Toby) What did you do to him?
Toby Flenderson: Nothing.
Michael Scott: T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Holly Flax: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Y-You can-Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.
Creed Bratton: (shaking Holly's hand) The pleasure's all mine.
Holly Flax: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.
Creed Bratton: Any time.
Holly Flax: What do you do here?
Creed Bratton: ...Excuse me.
Creed Bratton: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. "What do I do?"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. "Qua" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Holly Flax: No. Which one's Kevin? (they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle)
Dwight Schrute: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.
Holly Flax: Oh. Good for you guys.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Dwight Schrute: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. (accountants mumble hellos)
Holly Flax: Hello. Hello. (to Kevin) Hi.
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Holly Flax: What do you do?
Kevin Malone: I do the numbers.
Holly Flax: Oh, good for you.
Kevin Malone: Do you want a M&M?
Holly Flax: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly Flax: Well that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?
Holly Flax: Oh... (laughs along) Nice, I've never heard that one before actually.
Michael Scott: I bet.
Holly Flax: That's good.
Michael Scott: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Holly Flax: No, no, I...
Michael Scott: Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?
Holly Flax: Ooh, uh...
Michael Scott: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?
Holly Flax: Um... Y-yeah. Okay.
Michael Scott: All right.
Holly Flax: Thanks.
Michael Scott: Yep.
Holly Flax: Great.
Pam Beesly: Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.
Toby Flenderson: You're-you're not in it.
Pam Beesly: Well I was taking the picture.
Toby Flenderson: I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.
Pam Beesly: Sure, do you have a camera here?
Toby Flenderson: No, uh... (shouts) Does anyone have a camera here? (no one answers him) No one has a camera here. Uh...
Pam Beesly: Okay...
Toby Flenderson: I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. (runs out of the office)
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big.
Ryan Howard: Congratulations!
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Ryan Howard: Don't interrupt.
Jim Halpert: I just-
Ryan Howard: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?
Jim Halpert: No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so...
Ryan Howard: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.
Jim Halpert: All right, well it already went through, so...
Ryan Howard: Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. (hangs up)
Jim Halpert: Hello?
Michael Scott: (listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer) Hmm... Jim? (Jim comes into his office) I am downloading some N3P...
Jim Halpert: That's not it.
Michael Scott: Music...
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: For a CD mix tape...
Jim Halpert: Close.
Michael Scott: For Holly.
Jim Halpert: Mmhmm.
Michael Scott: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim Halpert: What are the two levels?
Michael Scott: The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"...
Jim Halpert: Mmhmm.
Michael Scott: And "I... love you."
Jim Halpert: Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level.
Michael Scott: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
Jim Halpert: Yes. You don't love Holly.
Michael Scott: I think I do.
Jim Halpert: But you just met her.
Michael Scott: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
Jim Halpert: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.
Michael Scott: Well, you're not a romantic.
Jim Halpert: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.
Michael Scott: Oh really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Like, with who?
Jim Halpert: We've been through this.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Jim Halpert: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you took it too slow.
Jim Halpert: Well, we're really happy.
Michael Scott: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
Jim Halpert: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.
Michael Scott: I don't want her to get away.
Jim Halpert: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.
Jim Halpert: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?
Phyllis Vance: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't...
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis Vance: Why would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. (hands her an envelope with money in it)
Phyllis Vance: Really?
Jim Halpert: Well we all want a good party, right?
Jim Halpert: I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!
Holly Flax: Hey Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Holly Flax: Do you need some help?
Kevin Malone: I can't decide what to get.
Holly Flax: Well, what do you like to eat?
Kevin Malone: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.
Holly Flax: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? (looks at the change in his hand) Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.
Kevin Malone: Hmm...
Kevin Malone: I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.
Jim Halpert: (on phone, leaving a message) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. (hangs up and exhales sharply)
Holly Flax: (tool clicking) Damn it!
Michael Scott: Hello, Holly. (Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces) Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.
Holly Flax: Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
Michael Scott: And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, (he sits on the floor) how you sit like that.
Holly Flax: Yoga.
Michael Scott: (as Yoda) Sit on floor and put together chair we will. (laughs nervously) Yo-da. Um...
Holly Flax: (as Yoda) Pass curvy metal piece, you will.
Michael Scott: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Holly Flax: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!
Michael Scott: Kidding. (overdramatically) Acting!
Holly Flax: (overdramatically) Acting!
Michael Scott: (overdramatically) Acting!
Holly Flax: (laughs) Lovitz.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I did it! (exhales)
Jim Halpert: What'd you do?
Michael Scott: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?
Michael Scott: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.
Michael Scott: Whew, oh God. (inhales) Laying a base. Laying a base...
Jim Halpert: There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!
Michael Scott: (giddy) Yeah...
Phyllis Vance: Hello Angela.
Angela Martin: Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.
Phyllis Vance: Can I get a list of your vendors?
Angela Martin: I shredded it.
Phyllis Vance: Why would you do that?
Angela Martin: Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?
Phyllis Vance: (knocks files off desk) Sorry.
Toby Flenderson: (Michael and Holly are still working on the chair) What'd you guys do?
Michael Scott: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?
Toby Flenderson: Well, we still have to do the exit interview.
Michael Scott: Yes we do.
Michael Scott: I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.
Toby Flenderson: (Michael hands him a present) Wow, thanks, Michael, I...
Michael Scott: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
Holly Flax: (enters conference room) Hello.
Michael Scott: Hey! Hi, good to see you.
Holly Flax: You too.
Michael Scott: I'm just having a little exit interview.
Holly Flax: Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.
Michael Scott: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?
Holly Flax: No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: (enters conference room) Did you need me to take notes?
Toby Flenderson: Hi Pam. Stay.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Michael Scott: Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. (takes out note cards) I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?
Toby Flenderson: I'm Toby.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Holly Flax: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?
Michael Scott: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.
Holly Flax: Here you go.
Michael Scott: Thank you. (reads) What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Toby Flenderson: This place, um...
Michael Scott: Well, no no no no no...
Toby Flenderson: I've got some ideas, I guess...
Michael Scott: No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.
Holly Flax: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.
Toby Flenderson: Well let me see... I would, uh...
Michael Scott: (hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby) I'll kill you.
Toby Flenderson: I guess everything's okay.
Toby Flenderson: I made it this far, right? What's the point?
Pam Beesly: Toby, why don't you open your present?
Michael Scott: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...
Toby Flenderson: (unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads) "Suck on this."
Michael Scott: What the hell is that?
Pam Beesly: Michael...
Michael Scott: That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. (exits conference room) Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!
Dwight Schrute: You did.
Michael Scott: No!
Dwight Schrute: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- (Michael slams conference room door in his face)
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.
Pam Beesly: So what is your gift?
Michael Scott: My gift is forthcoming, Pam.
Pam Beesly: What is it?
Michael Scott: I am going to give Toby...
Pam Beesly: Your watch?
Michael Scott: ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?
Pam Beesly: I just knew.
Michael Scott: How did you know?
Holly Flax: Oh that is so sweet.
Michael Scott: Well... That's my watch.
Toby Flenderson: Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.
Michael Scott: Hey, that's good.
Creed Bratton: (from outside the conference room) Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! (Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room) Hey! It's the temp! Look! (everyone is crowded around Jim's computer)
Dwight Schrute: Oh my gosh.
Creed Bratton: It's the temp! (all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen)
Pam Beesly: Is that the police?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Creed Bratton: Mm-hmm.
Oscar Martinez: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as "misleading the shareholders." Another good term is "fraud." The real crime, I think, was the beard.
Michael Scott: (still watching video of Ryan) Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.
Kelly Kapoor: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison."
Jim Halpert: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely. (dials and hands Jim receiver)
Jim Halpert: (clears throat) Right to voicemail. (into phone) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! (hangs up)
Holly Flax: What's protocol on this?
Toby Flenderson: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- (Holly knocks on Michael's door)
Holly Flax: Michael, are you okay?
Michael Scott: (voice straining) I'm just worried about my friend.
Holly Flax: Oh, of course you are.
Michael Scott: Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.
Holly Flax: No, hey.
Michael Scott: I'm cool.
Holly Flax: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?...
Michael Scott: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
Kevin Malone: (everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot) Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!
Phyllis Vance: Kevin, take your shoes off first!
Michael Scott: No antigravity machine, huh?
Phyllis Vance: Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real.
Michael Scott: Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.
Pam Beesly: Wow. Look at our parking lot.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, who'd have thought? (Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles)
Pam Beesly: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?
Holly Flax: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.
Michael Scott: That's what she... a lot of places are like that.
Holly Flax: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: You have it?
Meredith Palmer: Almost. (she unlocks Holly's car)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, here we go. Here we go. (Mose carries a raccoon in a cage) Put it in. (he puts the raccoon in the car)
Michael Scott: I like, uh...
Holly Flax: That-That's my car.
Michael Scott: Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: (Mose drops cage and runs) Mose!
Michael Scott: What the hell is going on here?!
Dwight Schrute: N-nothing you need to know the details of.
Michael Scott: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: N-no there's not.
Michael Scott: Why did you do that?
Dwight Schrute: It was playful hazing.
Michael Scott: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. (to Dwight) Take care of that, all right?
Dwight Schrute: It's not rabid.
Michael Scott: Shh...
Meredith Palmer: Thanks for bringing that up.
Dwight Schrute: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.
Michael Scott: I'm really sorry.
Holly Flax: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. (puts a hand on his arm) I feel so welcome here.
Michael Scott: Yeah...
Holly Flax: I just... Um, excuse me.
Michael Scott: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! (giggles)
Vance Refrigeration guy: Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!
Phyllis Vance: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. (Kevin nods) Okay.
Holly Flax: Cool! You drive your own car?
Kevin Malone: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly Flax: Yep. Just like you.
Kevin Malone: Okay, bye.
Holly Flax: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.
Michael Scott: (on microphone) Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. (applause) You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?
Pam Beesly: (everyone applauds) Yay, Phyllis!
Michael Scott: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? (cheers and applause) But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Pam Beesly: Song parody writer.
Michael Scott: I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven."
Jim Halpert: Classic.
Michael Scott: Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart."
Jim Halpert: Not my favorite, but...
Pam Beesly: I like that one.
Jim Halpert: It's not my favorite...
Pam Beesly: I like that one.
Michael Scott: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. (to band) Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. (music starts)
Michael Scott: (sings) It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.
Michael Scott: (singing) Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...
Pam Beesly: Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.
Michael Scott: (singing, screaming into the mic) Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!
Holly Flax: Not bad.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey. Thanks.
Holly Flax: Someday I would love to hear "Beers in Heaven."
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Kevin. (answers) Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.
Michael Scott: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
Kevin Malone: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Kevin Malone: Just hurry. (hangs up)
Holly Flax: Is he okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.
Holly Flax: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? (Holly freezes; Michael laughs) No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.
Jan Levinson: Well it was good to see you.
Kevin Malone: It was great to see you, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Yeah, so...
Michael Scott: O-kay. Hello Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hello... Michael.
Michael Scott: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- (to Jan) Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. (to Kevin) Is this why you called me down here?
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Michael, I just uh...
Jan Levinson: I...
Kevin Malone: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Thanks, Kevin. Um... (Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly)
Michael Scott: Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! (Jan laughs) Are you nauseous?
Jan Levinson: No.
Michael Scott: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?
Jan Levinson: Uh, no.
Michael Scott: Good. Good. Thank God.
Jan Levinson: I didn't...
Michael Scott: Cause that's...
Jan Levinson: ... touch that.
Michael Scott: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...
Jan Levinson: Why?
Michael Scott: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it did...
Michael Scott: ... proud.
Jan Levinson: ... happen when...
Michael Scott: Um...
Jan Levinson: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.
Michael Scott: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Jan Levinson: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.
Michael Scott: Well, okay...
Jan Levinson: Yeah.
Michael Scott: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...
Jan Levinson: I went to a sperm bank.
Michael Scott: You did?
Jan Levinson: Yuh-huh.
Michael Scott: When we were going out?
Jan Levinson: Uh, yeah.
Michael Scott: W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.
Jan Levinson: I know.
Michael Scott: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?
Jan Levinson: No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Michael Scott: IHop.
Jan Levinson: IHop.
Jan Levinson: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.
Jan Levinson: Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.
Michael Scott: I'm glad you told me.
Jan Levinson: Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner...
Michael Scott: Um, I'll... I have to think about it.
Jan Levinson: Okay.
Michael Scott: My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.
Pam Beesly: Oh look, they're starting. (all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music)
Angela Martin: (to Phyllis) Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again.
Jim Halpert: (gets engagement ring from his pocket) Hey...
Andy Bernard: (on microphone) Can I have your attention please? (music stops) I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? (Angela shakes her head 'no') Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. (knocks over Darryl's keyboard)
Darryl Philbin: Unh! Damn it!
Andy Bernard: Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? (shows her a ring)
Angela Martin: ...Okay.
Andy Bernard: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela Martin: I said, okay.
Andy Bernard: She said yes! (light applause) And the crowd goes wild! Woo! (music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply)
Andy Bernard: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right.
Kelly Kapoor: Can I be your bridesmaid?
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Well... it's my own fault.
Andy Bernard: Tuna! (hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound) I'm engaged!
Jim Halpert: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.
Andy Bernard: Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it.
Toby Flenderson: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, um...
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, could we...
Pam Beesly: Sure. Meredith, do you mind?
Toby Flenderson: (hands Meredith his camera) This one right here.
Meredith Palmer: Okay. One two three- (takes picture) Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird.
Toby Flenderson: It's digital, so just take as many as you want.
Meredith Palmer: One, two three- (takes picture) One, two, three- (takes picture)
Pam Beesly: I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight...
Holly Flax: Hey there.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Holly Flax: So you missed something really big.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Holly Flax: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow.
Holly Flax: I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but...
Michael Scott: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. (they chuckle) Oh...
Holly Flax: So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or...
Michael Scott: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.
Holly Flax: Okay.
Kevin Malone: I'll go to the diner with you.
Holly Flax: Oh that would be great.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, we can go eat pie.
Holly Flax: I love pie.
Kevin Malone: Me too.
Holly Flax: Okay.
Michael Scott: Have a good night.
Holly Flax: Okay. Good night.
Michael Scott: Bye.
Holly Flax: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. (Kevin is waiting in the car) I gotta buckle him in.
Michael Scott: Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Toby Flenderson: Thanks... (Hank is standing next to Michael) Really, Michael?
Michael Scott: Sorry. Corporate policy.
Toby Flenderson: It's not.
Michael Scott: You might take something.
Hank Tate: I don't think he's gonna take anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, security guard.
Toby Flenderson: (watch that Michael gave him beeps) Oh, some kind of... alarm.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Michael Scott: (on phone, leaving a message) Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. (hangs up) I am going to be... kind of a daddy.
Phyllis Vance: Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. (gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out)
Angela Martin: (sees Phyllis; gasps) Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute: What? (turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 4. Goodbye Toby is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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