Scene 019 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (cell phone rings) Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. (phone keeps ringing) Hello?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hello? Hello?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, what are you doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: And how many would you like?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (into Jim's headset) This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Scene 0316 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (cell phone rings) K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, is this Dwight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes it is.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Woah, woah, woah, Pam!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Have you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No! (waves arms) Pam, I'm over here!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm confused...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Can't do that. Unsanitary.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. (presses buttons on his cell phone) Done.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (office phone rings at Jim's desk) This is Dwight.
Scene 052 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. (hangs up) Such a nice woman.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (slams cell phone on desk) Argh! Ahh!!
Scene 061 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.
Scene 072 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Morning.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mornin'. (to camera) So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... (watch beeps)
Scene 084 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Good morning, Kelly.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Fine. Good.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I feel weird.
Scene 0913 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.Angela MartinOpen quote: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Angela MartinOpen quote: But so far we only have two pictures of him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?Michael ScottOpen quote: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?Angela MartinOpen quote: Michael...Michael ScottOpen quote: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-Angela MartinOpen quote: No. You know-no!Michael ScottOpen quote: Toga!Angela MartinOpen quote: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them.Michael ScottOpen quote: I thought that you might say that. (takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe)
Scene 101 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
Scene 115 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So how much antigravity potion do you want?Angela MartinOpen quote: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.Michael ScottOpen quote: Phyllis, can you do this?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (whispers) Yes.
Scene 122 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi, can I help you?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?
Scene 131 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.
Scene 143 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: So this is H.R. This is your desk.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I love the view.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
Scene 1513 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey. (kisses Jim on cheek)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey... What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes! So when do you start?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw "congratulations" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. Busy morning.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months...Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.Jim HalpertOpen quote: See how easy that is?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ohh... (they hug; she laughs)
Scene 161 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here!
Scene 1716 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, Stanley...Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Hmm?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I want to introduce you to...Michael ScottOpen quote: (watching from his office) Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So what do we know about her?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I hate her too.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why do you hate her?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Would that be such a bad thing?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: We need to sell her an elevator pass.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... (gasps)Michael ScottOpen quote: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
Scene 187 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?Woman over speakerphoneOpen quote: Antigravity machines?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: That's right. Yeah.Woman over speakerphoneOpen quote: What do they do exactly?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: They make you feel lighter...Woman over speakerphoneOpen quote: Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 1917 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (knock on door) Yeah.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, hey, do you still work here?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nah.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Come on.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I think I will pass.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael Scott, this is Holly.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hi.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Man, someone doesn't like H.R.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (to Toby) What did you do to him?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Nothing.Michael ScottOpen quote: T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Y-You can-Michael.
Scene 201 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.
Scene 215 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: (shaking Holly's hand) The pleasure's all mine.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Any time.Holly FlaxOpen quote: What do you do here?Creed BrattonOpen quote: ...Excuse me.
Scene 221 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. "What do I do?"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. "Qua" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.
Scene 235 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) Have you been introduced to Kevin?Holly FlaxOpen quote: No. Which one's Kevin? (they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh. Good for you guys.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 241 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Scene 2525 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. (accountants mumble hellos)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hello. Hello. (to Kevin) Hi.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hi.Holly FlaxOpen quote: What do you do?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I do the numbers.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, good for you.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Do you want a M&M?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Well that is a very safe place for them.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh... (laughs along) Nice, I've never heard that one before actually.Michael ScottOpen quote: I bet.Holly FlaxOpen quote: That's good.Michael ScottOpen quote: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?Holly FlaxOpen quote: No, no, I...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Ooh, uh...Michael ScottOpen quote: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Um... Y-yeah. Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Great.
Scene 268 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You're-you're not in it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well I was taking the picture.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure, do you have a camera here?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No, uh... (shouts) Does anyone have a camera here? (no one answers him) No one has a camera here. Uh...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. (runs out of the office)
Scene 2711 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (on the phone) So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Congratulations!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Don't interrupt.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I just-Ryan HowardOpen quote: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so...Ryan HowardOpen quote: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, well it already went through, so...Ryan HowardOpen quote: Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. (hangs up)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hello?
Scene 2834 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer) Hmm... Jim? (Jim comes into his office) I am downloading some N3P...Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's not it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Music...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: For a CD mix tape...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Close.Michael ScottOpen quote: For Holly.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmhmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are the two levels?Michael ScottOpen quote: The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmhmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: And "I... love you."Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes. You don't love Holly.Michael ScottOpen quote: I think I do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But you just met her.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you're not a romantic.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Like, with who?Jim HalpertOpen quote: We've been through this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, you took it too slow.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, we're really happy.Michael ScottOpen quote: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't want her to get away.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.
Scene 297 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why would you do that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. (hands her an envelope with money in it)Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well we all want a good party, right?
Scene 318 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Hey Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hi.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Do you need some help?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I can't decide what to get.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Well, what do you like to eat?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? (looks at the change in his hand) Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hmm...
Scene 321 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.
Scene 331 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone, leaving a message) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. (hangs up and exhales sharply)
Scene 3414 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: (tool clicking) Damn it!Michael ScottOpen quote: Hello, Holly. (Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces) Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights.Michael ScottOpen quote: And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, (he sits on the floor) how you sit like that.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yoga.Michael ScottOpen quote: (as Yoda) Sit on floor and put together chair we will. (laughs nervously) Yo-da. Um...Holly FlaxOpen quote: (as Yoda) Pass curvy metal piece, you will.Michael ScottOpen quote: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!Michael ScottOpen quote: Kidding. (overdramatically) Acting!Holly FlaxOpen quote: (overdramatically) Acting!Michael ScottOpen quote: (overdramatically) Acting!Holly FlaxOpen quote: (laughs) Lovitz.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 359 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I did it! (exhales)Jim HalpertOpen quote: What'd you do?Michael ScottOpen quote: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?Michael ScottOpen quote: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whew, oh God. (inhales) Laying a base. Laying a base...Jim HalpertOpen quote: There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!Michael ScottOpen quote: (giddy) Yeah...
Scene 367 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Hello Angela.Angela MartinOpen quote: Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Can I get a list of your vendors?Angela MartinOpen quote: I shredded it.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why would you do that?Angela MartinOpen quote: Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (knocks files off desk) Sorry.
Scene 374 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: (Michael and Holly are still working on the chair) What'd you guys do?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, we still have to do the exit interview.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes we do.
Scene 381 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.
Scene 3928 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: (Michael hands him a present) Wow, thanks, Michael, I...Michael ScottOpen quote: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (enters conference room) Hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Hi, good to see you.Holly FlaxOpen quote: You too.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm just having a little exit interview.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?Holly FlaxOpen quote: No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (enters conference room) Did you need me to take notes?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hi Pam. Stay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. (takes out note cards) I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm Toby.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?Michael ScottOpen quote: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Here you go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you. (reads) What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: This place, um...Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, no no no no no...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I've got some ideas, I guess...Michael ScottOpen quote: No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well let me see... I would, uh...Michael ScottOpen quote: (hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby) I'll kill you.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I guess everything's okay.
Scene 4128 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Toby, why don't you open your present?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads) "Suck on this."Michael ScottOpen quote: What the hell is that?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael...Michael ScottOpen quote: That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. (exits conference room) Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You did.Michael ScottOpen quote: No!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- (Michael slams conference room door in his face)Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So what is your gift?Michael ScottOpen quote: My gift is forthcoming, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What is it?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am going to give Toby...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Your watch?Michael ScottOpen quote: ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I just knew.Michael ScottOpen quote: How did you know?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh that is so sweet.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well... That's my watch.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, that's good.Creed BrattonOpen quote: (from outside the conference room) Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! (Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room) Hey! It's the temp! Look! (everyone is crowded around Jim's computer)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh my gosh.Creed BrattonOpen quote: It's the temp! (all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is that the police?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Mm-hmm.
Scene 421 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as "misleading the shareholders." Another good term is "fraud." The real crime, I think, was the beard.
Scene 441 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison."
Scene 453 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Absolutely. (dials and hands Jim receiver)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (clears throat) Right to voicemail. (into phone) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! (hangs up)
Scene 469 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: What's protocol on this?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- (Holly knocks on Michael's door)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Michael, are you okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: (voice straining) I'm just worried about my friend.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, of course you are.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.Holly FlaxOpen quote: No, hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm cool.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?...
Scene 471 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
Scene 485 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot) Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Kevin, take your shoes off first!Michael ScottOpen quote: No antigravity machine, huh?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.
Scene 492 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow. Look at our parking lot.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, who'd have thought? (Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles)
Scene 501 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?
Scene 514 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what she... a lot of places are like that.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 5218 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You have it?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Almost. (she unlocks Holly's car)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, here we go. Here we go. (Mose carries a raccoon in a cage) Put it in. (he puts the raccoon in the car)Michael ScottOpen quote: I like, uh...Holly FlaxOpen quote: That-That's my car.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey. What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Mose drops cage and runs) Mose!Michael ScottOpen quote: What the hell is going on here?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: N-nothing you need to know the details of.Michael ScottOpen quote: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: N-no there's not.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why did you do that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It was playful hazing.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. (to Dwight) Take care of that, all right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's not rabid.Michael ScottOpen quote: Shh...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Thanks for bringing that up.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.
Scene 534 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I'm really sorry.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. (puts a hand on his arm) I feel so welcome here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah...Holly FlaxOpen quote: I just... Um, excuse me.
Scene 541 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! (giggles)
Scene 552 linesVance Refrigeration guyOpen quote: Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. (Kevin nods) Okay.
Scene 565 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Cool! You drive your own car?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yep. Just like you.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Okay, bye.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.
Scene 5714 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on microphone) Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. (applause) You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (everyone applauds) Yay, Phyllis!Michael ScottOpen quote: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? (cheers and applause) But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Song parody writer.Michael ScottOpen quote: I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven."Jim HalpertOpen quote: Classic.Michael ScottOpen quote: Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart."Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not my favorite, but...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I like that one.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's not my favorite...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I like that one.Michael ScottOpen quote: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. (to band) Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah. (music starts)Michael ScottOpen quote: (sings) It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.
Scene 581 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.
Scene 591 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (singing) Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...
Scene 601 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.
Scene 611 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (singing, screaming into the mic) Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!
Scene 6213 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Not bad.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, hey. Thanks.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Someday I would love to hear "Beers in Heaven."Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Kevin. (answers) Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see.Michael ScottOpen quote: What is it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Just hurry. (hangs up)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Is he okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? (Holly freezes; Michael laughs) No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.
Scene 6312 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Well it was good to see you.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It was great to see you, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yeah, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: O-kay. Hello Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Hello... Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- (to Jan) Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. (to Kevin) Is this why you called me down here?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, Michael, I just uh...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I...Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, okay.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks, Kevin. Um... (Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly)
Scene 6432 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! (Jan laughs) Are you nauseous?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Uh, no.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good. Good. Thank God.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I didn't...Michael ScottOpen quote: Cause that's...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ... touch that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Why?Michael ScottOpen quote: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yeah, it did...Michael ScottOpen quote: ... proud.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ... happen when...Michael ScottOpen quote: Um...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.Michael ScottOpen quote: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, okay...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I went to a sperm bank.Michael ScottOpen quote: You did?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yuh-huh.Michael ScottOpen quote: When we were going out?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Uh, yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I know.Michael ScottOpen quote: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.Michael ScottOpen quote: IHop.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: IHop.
Scene 651 lineJan LevinsonOpen quote: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.
Scene 665 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm glad you told me.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner...Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, I'll... I have to think about it.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 671 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.
Scene 681 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh look, they're starting. (all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music)
Scene 691 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: (to Phyllis) Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again.
Scene 708 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (gets engagement ring from his pocket) Hey...Andy BernardOpen quote: (on microphone) Can I have your attention please? (music stops) I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? (Angela shakes her head 'no') Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. (knocks over Darryl's keyboard)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Unh! Damn it!Andy BernardOpen quote: Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? (shows her a ring)Angela MartinOpen quote: ...Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: Into the mic, sweetie.Angela MartinOpen quote: I said, okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: She said yes! (light applause) And the crowd goes wild! Woo! (music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply)
Scene 711 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right.
Scene 743 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Tuna! (hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound) I'm engaged!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.Andy BernardOpen quote: Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it.
Scene 758 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, yeah, um...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, could we...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure. Meredith, do you mind?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (hands Meredith his camera) This one right here.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Okay. One two three- (takes picture) Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's digital, so just take as many as you want.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: One, two three- (takes picture) One, two, three- (takes picture)
Scene 761 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight...
Scene 7720 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Hey there.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey.Holly FlaxOpen quote: So you missed something really big.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, wow.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but...Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. (they chuckle) Oh...Holly FlaxOpen quote: So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Okay.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I'll go to the diner with you.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh that would be great.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, we can go eat pie.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I love pie.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Me too.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Have a good night.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Okay. Good night.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bye.
Scene 781 lineHolly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. (Kevin is waiting in the car) I gotta buckle him in.
Scene 797 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well this is it. I am here to see you off.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Thanks... (Hank is standing next to Michael) Really, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Sorry. Corporate policy.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's not.Michael ScottOpen quote: You might take something.Hank TateOpen quote: I don't think he's gonna take anything.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, security guard.
Scene 802 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: (watch that Michael gave him beeps) Oh, some kind of... alarm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 811 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone, leaving a message) Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. (hangs up) I am going to be... kind of a daddy.
Scene 823 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. (gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out)Angela MartinOpen quote: (sees Phyllis; gasps) Oh my God!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? (turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands)