Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Goodbye Toby

Vol. 4 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Toby is finally heading to Costa Rica, and Michael is throwing a massive parking lot bash to celebrate. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Holly’s first day to Andy’s public proposal to Angela. It's the perfect place to grab those classic quotes about anti-gravity machines and quabity assuance.

Scene 01

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(cell phone rings) Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. (phone keeps ringing) Hello?
Jim Halpert
(presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hello? Hello?
Jim Halpert
Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second...
Dwight Schrute
Jim, what are you doing?
Jim Halpert
And how many would you like?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-
Jim Halpert
Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight Schrute
(into Jim's headset) This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.

Scene 03

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
(cell phone rings) K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Jim Halpert
(presses button on headset) Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam Beesly
Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Yes it is.
Pam Beesly
Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim Halpert
Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight Schrute
Woah, woah, woah, Pam!
Pam Beesly
Have you?
Dwight Schrute
Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
Pam Beesly
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
No! (waves arms) Pam, I'm over here!
Pam Beesly
I'm confused...
Dwight Schrute
Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Jim Halpert
Can't do that. Unsanitary.
Dwight Schrute
Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. (presses buttons on his cell phone) Done.
Jim Halpert
(office phone rings at Jim's desk) This is Dwight.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.

Scene 05

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. (hangs up) Such a nice woman.
Dwight Schrute
(slams cell phone on desk) Argh! Ahh!!

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.

Scene 07

2 lines
Toby Flenderson
Morning.
Michael Scott
Mornin'. (to camera) So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... (watch beeps)

Scene 08

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
Good morning, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?
Toby Flenderson
Fine. Good.
Kelly Kapoor
I feel weird.

Scene 09

13 lines
Michael Scott
First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.
Angela Martin
We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Angela Martin
But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Michael Scott
Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...
Pam Beesly
Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?
Michael Scott
If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Angela Martin
Michael...
Michael Scott
Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-
Angela Martin
No. You know-no!
Michael Scott
Toga!
Angela Martin
You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them.
Michael Scott
I thought that you might say that. (takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe)

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.

Scene 11

5 lines
Michael Scott
I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.
Pam Beesly
So how much antigravity potion do you want?
Angela Martin
No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.
Michael Scott
Phyllis, can you do this?
Phyllis Vance
(whispers) Yes.

Scene 12

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hi, can I help you?
Holly Flax
Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?

Scene 13

1 line
Toby Flenderson
As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.

Scene 14

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
So this is H.R. This is your desk.
Holly Flax
I love the view.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

Scene 15

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey. (kisses Jim on cheek)
Jim Halpert
Hey... What?
Pam Beesly
Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.
Jim Halpert
No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!
Jim Halpert
Yes! So when do you start?
Pam Beesly
I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw "congratulations" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.
Jim Halpert
Wow. Busy morning.
Pam Beesly
So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months...
Jim Halpert
It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.
Jim Halpert
See how easy that is?
Pam Beesly
Ohh... (they hug; she laughs)

Scene 16

1 line
Pam Beesly
I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here!

Scene 17

16 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, Stanley...
Stanley Hudson
Hmm?
Toby Flenderson
I want to introduce you to...
Michael Scott
(watching from his office) Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Dwight Schrute
So what do we know about her?
Michael Scott
Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight Schrute
I hate her too.
Michael Scott
Why do you hate her?
Dwight Schrute
Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.
Michael Scott
You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight Schrute
Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael Scott
Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Dwight Schrute
But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... (gasps)
Michael Scott
Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.

Scene 18

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?
Woman over speakerphone
Antigravity machines?
Phyllis Vance
That's right. Yeah.
Woman over speakerphone
What do they do exactly?
Phyllis Vance
They make you feel lighter...
Woman over speakerphone
Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.
Phyllis Vance
Okay.

Scene 19

17 lines
Michael Scott
(knock on door) Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey, do you still work here?
Toby Flenderson
I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.
Michael Scott
Nah.
Toby Flenderson
Come on.
Michael Scott
No. I think I will pass.
Toby Flenderson
Michael Scott, this is Holly.
Holly Flax
Hi.
Michael Scott
Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.
Holly Flax
Man, someone doesn't like H.R.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Holly Flax
(to Toby) What did you do to him?
Toby Flenderson
Nothing.
Michael Scott
T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Holly Flax
Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Y-You can-Michael.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.

Scene 21

5 lines
Creed Bratton
(shaking Holly's hand) The pleasure's all mine.
Holly Flax
Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.
Creed Bratton
Any time.
Holly Flax
What do you do here?
Creed Bratton
...Excuse me.

Scene 22

1 line
Creed Bratton
What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. "What do I do?"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. "Qua" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.

Scene 23

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Holly Flax
No. Which one's Kevin? (they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle)
Dwight Schrute
He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.
Holly Flax
Oh. Good for you guys.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Scene 25

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. (accountants mumble hellos)
Holly Flax
Hello. Hello. (to Kevin) Hi.
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Holly Flax
What do you do?
Kevin Malone
I do the numbers.
Holly Flax
Oh, good for you.
Kevin Malone
Do you want a M&M?
Holly Flax
Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly Flax
Well that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?
Holly Flax
Oh... (laughs along) Nice, I've never heard that one before actually.
Michael Scott
I bet.
Holly Flax
That's good.
Michael Scott
I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Holly Flax
No, no, I...
Michael Scott
Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?
Holly Flax
Ooh, uh...
Michael Scott
You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?
Holly Flax
Um... Y-yeah. Okay.
Michael Scott
All right.
Holly Flax
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Holly Flax
Great.

Scene 26

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.
Toby Flenderson
You're-you're not in it.
Pam Beesly
Well I was taking the picture.
Toby Flenderson
I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.
Pam Beesly
Sure, do you have a camera here?
Toby Flenderson
No, uh... (shouts) Does anyone have a camera here? (no one answers him) No one has a camera here. Uh...
Pam Beesly
Okay...
Toby Flenderson
I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. (runs out of the office)

Scene 27

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big.
Ryan Howard
Congratulations!
Jim Halpert
Thanks.
Ryan Howard
Don't interrupt.
Jim Halpert
I just-
Ryan Howard
Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?
Jim Halpert
No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so...
Ryan Howard
All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.
Jim Halpert
All right, well it already went through, so...
Ryan Howard
Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. (hangs up)
Jim Halpert
Hello?

Scene 28

34 lines
Michael Scott
(listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer) Hmm... Jim? (Jim comes into his office) I am downloading some N3P...
Jim Halpert
That's not it.
Michael Scott
Music...
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
For a CD mix tape...
Jim Halpert
Close.
Michael Scott
For Holly.
Jim Halpert
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim Halpert
What are the two levels?
Michael Scott
The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"...
Jim Halpert
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
And "I... love you."
Jim Halpert
Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level.
Michael Scott
Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
Jim Halpert
Yes. You don't love Holly.
Michael Scott
I think I do.
Jim Halpert
But you just met her.
Michael Scott
Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
Jim Halpert
Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.
Michael Scott
Well, you're not a romantic.
Jim Halpert
Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.
Michael Scott
Oh really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Like, with who?
Jim Halpert
We've been through this.
Michael Scott
Pam?
Jim Halpert
Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.
Michael Scott
Yeah, you took it too slow.
Jim Halpert
Well, we're really happy.
Michael Scott
This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
Jim Halpert
And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.
Michael Scott
I don't want her to get away.
Jim Halpert
I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.

Scene 29

7 lines
Jim Halpert
I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?
Phyllis Vance
Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't...
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis Vance
Why would you do that?
Jim Halpert
Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. (hands her an envelope with money in it)
Phyllis Vance
Really?
Jim Halpert
Well we all want a good party, right?

Scene 30

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!

Scene 31

8 lines
Holly Flax
Hey Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Holly Flax
Do you need some help?
Kevin Malone
I can't decide what to get.
Holly Flax
Well, what do you like to eat?
Kevin Malone
Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.
Holly Flax
Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? (looks at the change in his hand) Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.
Kevin Malone
Hmm...

Scene 32

1 line
Kevin Malone
I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.

Scene 33

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on phone, leaving a message) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. (hangs up and exhales sharply)

Scene 34

14 lines
Holly Flax
(tool clicking) Damn it!
Michael Scott
Hello, Holly. (Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces) Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.
Holly Flax
Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
Michael Scott
And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, (he sits on the floor) how you sit like that.
Holly Flax
Yoga.
Michael Scott
(as Yoda) Sit on floor and put together chair we will. (laughs nervously) Yo-da. Um...
Holly Flax
(as Yoda) Pass curvy metal piece, you will.
Michael Scott
So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Holly Flax
Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!
Michael Scott
Kidding. (overdramatically) Acting!
Holly Flax
(overdramatically) Acting!
Michael Scott
(overdramatically) Acting!
Holly Flax
(laughs) Lovitz.
Michael Scott
Yeah.

Scene 35

9 lines
Michael Scott
I did it! (exhales)
Jim Halpert
What'd you do?
Michael Scott
I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.
Jim Halpert
Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?
Michael Scott
It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.
Michael Scott
Whew, oh God. (inhales) Laying a base. Laying a base...
Jim Halpert
There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!
Michael Scott
(giddy) Yeah...

Scene 36

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hello Angela.
Angela Martin
Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.
Phyllis Vance
Can I get a list of your vendors?
Angela Martin
I shredded it.
Phyllis Vance
Why would you do that?
Angela Martin
Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?
Phyllis Vance
(knocks files off desk) Sorry.

Scene 37

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
(Michael and Holly are still working on the chair) What'd you guys do?
Michael Scott
Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?
Toby Flenderson
Well, we still have to do the exit interview.
Michael Scott
Yes we do.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Scene 39

28 lines
Toby Flenderson
(Michael hands him a present) Wow, thanks, Michael, I...
Michael Scott
Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
Holly Flax
(enters conference room) Hello.
Michael Scott
Hey! Hi, good to see you.
Holly Flax
You too.
Michael Scott
I'm just having a little exit interview.
Holly Flax
Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.
Michael Scott
Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?
Holly Flax
No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Pam Beesly
(enters conference room) Did you need me to take notes?
Toby Flenderson
Hi Pam. Stay.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Michael Scott
Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. (takes out note cards) I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?
Toby Flenderson
I'm Toby.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Holly Flax
Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?
Michael Scott
Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.
Holly Flax
Here you go.
Michael Scott
Thank you. (reads) What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Toby Flenderson
This place, um...
Michael Scott
Well, no no no no no...
Toby Flenderson
I've got some ideas, I guess...
Michael Scott
No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.
Holly Flax
Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.
Toby Flenderson
Well let me see... I would, uh...
Michael Scott
(hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby) I'll kill you.
Toby Flenderson
I guess everything's okay.

Scene 40

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I made it this far, right? What's the point?

Scene 41

28 lines
Pam Beesly
Toby, why don't you open your present?
Michael Scott
Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...
Toby Flenderson
(unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads) "Suck on this."
Michael Scott
What the hell is that?
Pam Beesly
Michael...
Michael Scott
That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. (exits conference room) Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!
Dwight Schrute
You did.
Michael Scott
No!
Dwight Schrute
You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- (Michael slams conference room door in his face)
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.
Pam Beesly
So what is your gift?
Michael Scott
My gift is forthcoming, Pam.
Pam Beesly
What is it?
Michael Scott
I am going to give Toby...
Pam Beesly
Your watch?
Michael Scott
...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?
Pam Beesly
I just knew.
Michael Scott
How did you know?
Holly Flax
Oh that is so sweet.
Michael Scott
Well... That's my watch.
Toby Flenderson
Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.
Michael Scott
Hey, that's good.
Creed Bratton
(from outside the conference room) Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! (Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room) Hey! It's the temp! Look! (everyone is crowded around Jim's computer)
Dwight Schrute
Oh my gosh.
Creed Bratton
It's the temp! (all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen)
Pam Beesly
Is that the police?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Creed Bratton
Mm-hmm.

Scene 42

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as "misleading the shareholders." Another good term is "fraud." The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
(still watching video of Ryan) Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.

Scene 44

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison."

Scene 45

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?
Pam Beesly
Absolutely. (dials and hands Jim receiver)
Jim Halpert
(clears throat) Right to voicemail. (into phone) Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! (hangs up)

Scene 46

9 lines
Holly Flax
What's protocol on this?
Toby Flenderson
I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- (Holly knocks on Michael's door)
Holly Flax
Michael, are you okay?
Michael Scott
(voice straining) I'm just worried about my friend.
Holly Flax
Oh, of course you are.
Michael Scott
Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.
Holly Flax
No, hey.
Michael Scott
I'm cool.
Holly Flax
Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?...

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.

Scene 48

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot) Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!
Phyllis Vance
Kevin, take your shoes off first!
Michael Scott
No antigravity machine, huh?
Phyllis Vance
Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real.
Michael Scott
Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.

Scene 49

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Wow. Look at our parking lot.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, who'd have thought? (Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles)

Scene 50

1 line
Pam Beesly
Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?

Scene 51

4 lines
Holly Flax
Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.
Michael Scott
That's what she... a lot of places are like that.
Holly Flax
I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.
Michael Scott
Thanks.

Scene 52

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
You have it?
Meredith Palmer
Almost. (she unlocks Holly's car)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, here we go. Here we go. (Mose carries a raccoon in a cage) Put it in. (he puts the raccoon in the car)
Michael Scott
I like, uh...
Holly Flax
That-That's my car.
Michael Scott
Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
(Mose drops cage and runs) Mose!
Michael Scott
What the hell is going on here?!
Dwight Schrute
N-nothing you need to know the details of.
Michael Scott
There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
N-no there's not.
Michael Scott
Why did you do that?
Dwight Schrute
It was playful hazing.
Michael Scott
No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. (to Dwight) Take care of that, all right?
Dwight Schrute
It's not rabid.
Michael Scott
Shh...
Meredith Palmer
Thanks for bringing that up.
Dwight Schrute
Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.

Scene 53

4 lines
Michael Scott
I'm really sorry.
Holly Flax
Michael, thank you so much for saying that. (puts a hand on his arm) I feel so welcome here.
Michael Scott
Yeah...
Holly Flax
I just... Um, excuse me.

Scene 54

1 line
Michael Scott
Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! (giggles)

Scene 55

2 lines
Vance Refrigeration guy
Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!
Phyllis Vance
Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. (Kevin nods) Okay.

Scene 56

5 lines
Holly Flax
Cool! You drive your own car?
Kevin Malone
Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly Flax
Yep. Just like you.
Kevin Malone
Okay, bye.
Holly Flax
Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.

Scene 57

14 lines
Michael Scott
(on microphone) Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. (applause) You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?
Pam Beesly
(everyone applauds) Yay, Phyllis!
Michael Scott
Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? (cheers and applause) But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Pam Beesly
Song parody writer.
Michael Scott
I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven."
Jim Halpert
Classic.
Michael Scott
Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart."
Jim Halpert
Not my favorite, but...
Pam Beesly
I like that one.
Jim Halpert
It's not my favorite...
Pam Beesly
I like that one.
Michael Scott
I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. (to band) Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. (music starts)
Michael Scott
(sings) It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.

Scene 58

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.

Scene 59

1 line
Michael Scott
(singing) Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...

Scene 60

1 line
Pam Beesly
Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.

Scene 61

1 line
Michael Scott
(singing, screaming into the mic) Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!

Scene 62

13 lines
Holly Flax
Not bad.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey. Thanks.
Holly Flax
Someday I would love to hear "Beers in Heaven."
Michael Scott
Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Kevin. (answers) Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.
Michael Scott
Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
Kevin Malone
No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see.
Michael Scott
What is it?
Kevin Malone
Just hurry. (hangs up)
Holly Flax
Is he okay?
Michael Scott
Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.
Holly Flax
Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him.
Michael Scott
Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? (Holly freezes; Michael laughs) No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.

Scene 63

12 lines
Jan Levinson
Well it was good to see you.
Kevin Malone
It was great to see you, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Yeah, so...
Michael Scott
O-kay. Hello Jan.
Jan Levinson
Hello... Michael.
Michael Scott
Wow, Kevin, really? We're- (to Jan) Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. (to Kevin) Is this why you called me down here?
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Michael, I just uh...
Jan Levinson
I...
Kevin Malone
I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Thanks, Kevin. Um... (Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly)

Scene 64

32 lines
Michael Scott
Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! (Jan laughs) Are you nauseous?
Jan Levinson
No.
Michael Scott
Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?
Jan Levinson
Uh, no.
Michael Scott
Good. Good. Thank God.
Jan Levinson
I didn't...
Michael Scott
Cause that's...
Jan Levinson
... touch that.
Michael Scott
Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...
Jan Levinson
Why?
Michael Scott
Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...
Jan Levinson
Yeah, it did...
Michael Scott
... proud.
Jan Levinson
... happen when...
Michael Scott
Um...
Jan Levinson
... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.
Michael Scott
You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Jan Levinson
...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.
Michael Scott
Well, okay...
Jan Levinson
Yeah.
Michael Scott
So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...
Jan Levinson
I went to a sperm bank.
Michael Scott
You did?
Jan Levinson
Yuh-huh.
Michael Scott
When we were going out?
Jan Levinson
Uh, yeah.
Michael Scott
W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.
Jan Levinson
I know.
Michael Scott
You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?
Jan Levinson
No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Michael Scott
IHop.
Jan Levinson
IHop.

Scene 65

1 line
Jan Levinson
If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.

Scene 66

5 lines
Jan Levinson
Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.
Michael Scott
I'm glad you told me.
Jan Levinson
Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner...
Michael Scott
Um, I'll... I have to think about it.
Jan Levinson
Okay.

Scene 67

1 line
Michael Scott
My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.

Scene 68

1 line
Pam Beesly
Oh look, they're starting. (all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music)

Scene 69

1 line
Angela Martin
(to Phyllis) Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again.

Scene 70

8 lines
Jim Halpert
(gets engagement ring from his pocket) Hey...
Andy Bernard
(on microphone) Can I have your attention please? (music stops) I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? (Angela shakes her head 'no') Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. (knocks over Darryl's keyboard)
Darryl Philbin
Unh! Damn it!
Andy Bernard
Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? (shows her a ring)
Angela Martin
...Okay.
Andy Bernard
Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela Martin
I said, okay.
Andy Bernard
She said yes! (light applause) And the crowd goes wild! Woo! (music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply)

Scene 71

1 line
Andy Bernard
I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right.

Scene 72

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Can I be your bridesmaid?
Angela Martin
No.

Scene 73

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Well... it's my own fault.

Scene 74

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Tuna! (hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound) I'm engaged!
Jim Halpert
I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.
Andy Bernard
Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it.

Scene 75

8 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, um...
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, could we...
Pam Beesly
Sure. Meredith, do you mind?
Toby Flenderson
(hands Meredith his camera) This one right here.
Meredith Palmer
Okay. One two three- (takes picture) Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird.
Toby Flenderson
It's digital, so just take as many as you want.
Meredith Palmer
One, two three- (takes picture) One, two, three- (takes picture)

Scene 76

1 line
Pam Beesly
I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight...

Scene 77

20 lines
Holly Flax
Hey there.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Holly Flax
So you missed something really big.
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Holly Flax
Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow.
Holly Flax
I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but...
Michael Scott
Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. (they chuckle) Oh...
Holly Flax
So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or...
Michael Scott
Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.
Holly Flax
Okay.
Kevin Malone
I'll go to the diner with you.
Holly Flax
Oh that would be great.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, we can go eat pie.
Holly Flax
I love pie.
Kevin Malone
Me too.
Holly Flax
Okay.
Michael Scott
Have a good night.
Holly Flax
Okay. Good night.
Michael Scott
Bye.

Scene 78

1 line
Holly Flax
Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. (Kevin is waiting in the car) I gotta buckle him in.

Scene 79

7 lines
Michael Scott
Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Toby Flenderson
Thanks... (Hank is standing next to Michael) Really, Michael?
Michael Scott
Sorry. Corporate policy.
Toby Flenderson
It's not.
Michael Scott
You might take something.
Hank Tate
I don't think he's gonna take anything.
Michael Scott
Okay, security guard.

Scene 80

2 lines
Toby Flenderson
(watch that Michael gave him beeps) Oh, some kind of... alarm.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 81

1 line
Michael Scott
(on phone, leaving a message) Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. (hangs up) I am going to be... kind of a daddy.

Scene 82

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. (gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out)
Angela Martin
(sees Phyllis; gasps) Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute
What? (turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands)