Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Vol. 4 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

From Michael’s GPS-guided dip in Lake Scranton to Ryan’s "sleeker" new business model, every single line of this episode is right here. You’ll find the full script covering the debut of Jim and Pam as a couple and Dwight's failed attempt to gift a barn cat named Garbage. It’s all the "Where are the turtles?!" energy you need in one place.

Scene 01

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
I gotcha one. (Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim)
Jim Halpert
Oh wow, thank you.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some?
Pam Beesly
No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right?
Jim Halpert
I guess. (Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek) How dare you.

Scene 02

27 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Toby. What's this? (holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff)
Toby Flenderson
Ohh.
Michael Scott
(reads memo) I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Toby Flenderson
Yes, uh some people in the office have complained...
Michael Scott
Oh really.
Toby Flenderson
...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know (Michael leans in closer to Toby) I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that.
Michael Scott
Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight...
Toby Flenderson
Ok, look the memo is not about you...
Angela Martin
(to everyone in the room) For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.
Toby Flenderson
Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So...
Michael Scott
(turns to address Jim and Pam) No way.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Phyllis Vance
You guys are together?
Jim Halpert
Ummm... yup. Yes, we are.
Michael Scott
Woooah! Wow!
Andy Bernard
Tuna!
Michael Scott
Awesome!
Kevin Malone
I knew it!
Michael Scott
You guys! Yes! Yes!
Pam Beesly
Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Michael Scott
Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. (gestures to Pam to get up) Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, (to Jim) stand up. (Jim moves over in chair) OK, here we go. (holding both Pam and Jim's hand) Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Jim Halpert
Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.
Michael Scott
I love you guys, so much. (hugs Jim)
Jim Halpert
Ohh.. (Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings)
Pam Beesly
Phone's ringing. (goes back toward desk)
Michael Scott
No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is (starts to well up) really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I don't see it. I think they both could do better.

Scene 04

1 line
Angela Martin
It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?

Scene 06

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis Vance
Did you plan it?
Michael Scott
No. (tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it)
Pam Beesly
(reading from paper) Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael Scott
Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam Beesly
You might want to trim it a little.
Phyllis Vance
Michael... (Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress)
Kelly Kapoor
(reading sign) Oh, is... Ryan coming back today?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he is.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.

Scene 08

11 lines
Angela Martin
What do you want?
Dwight Schrute
To give you this (reveals a cat from under a coat).
Angela Martin
Oh, what is that?
Dwight Schrute
It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela Martin
Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight Schrute
And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. (shakes cat) Don't you Garbage? (makes chomping noises)
Angela Martin
I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground.
Dwight Schrute
You haven't buried her yet?
Angela Martin
Don't rush me. I'm grieving.
Dwight Schrute
Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. (holds cat towards Angela) Look at him.
Angela Martin
I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! (walks away)

Scene 09

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Hey... (sees both Jim and Pam) you two.
Jim Halpert
Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company.
Toby Flenderson
Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know (makes quotes with fingers) relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. (Jim smiles)
Toby Flenderson
Uh huh.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...?
Toby Flenderson
Let's just wait and see what happens. (whispers) You know?
Jim Halpert
What?
Toby Flenderson
Let's just wait.
Jim Halpert
Oh, OK.
Pam Beesly
OK.
Jim Halpert
Great. (Jim and Pam walk away)

Scene 10

33 lines
Pam Beesly
(sees Ryan coming through door) Hey Ryan. Welcome back --
Ryan Howard
Hold on one second. (Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds) Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in?
Michael Scott
Hey!
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. (laughing) He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs.
Ryan Howard
OK. Should we get started?
Michael Scott
Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..
Ryan Howard
Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.
Michael Scott
...business meeting --
Kevin Malone
(rubbing hands in Ryan's hair) Fire!
Ryan Howard
Stop that! Stop that!
Michael Scott
That's right! That's right!
Ryan Howard
(to Kevin) You scared me.
Michael Scott
Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan.
Andy Bernard
Fire guy (makes flames with his hands)
Kevin Malone
You weren't here for that.
Andy Bernard
Here for what?
Kevin Malone
When he started the fire.
Michael Scott
Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man...
Kevin Malone
Little old man boy.
Ryan Howard
Michael and everybody, umm...
Michael Scott
Beard.
Kevin Malone
Bearded man boy.
Ryan Howard
...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow!
Ryan Howard
So...
Michael Scott
That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.
Ryan Howard
OK...
Michael Scott
Woooo!(laughs) I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Ryan Howard
Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?
Michael Scott
Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in (looks at Ryan) 10 minutes?
Ryan Howard
Perfect.
Michael Scott
Sounds good. OK, alright.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Scene 12

1 line
Ryan Howard
Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. (Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading "Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!")

Scene 14

15 lines
Ryan Howard
This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Michael Scott
OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan Howard
I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Ryan Howard
This is company-wide, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Got it. (Andy's hand goes up)
Ryan Howard
Andy.
Andy Bernard
We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?
Ryan Howard
Any other questions? (Kelly's hand goes up) Kelly Kapoor.
Kelly Kapoor
Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Ryan Howard
Thank you everybody.
Michael Scott
Ryan Howard everybody. (starts clapping) Good job. (everyone gets up to leave)
Creed Bratton
That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?
Ryan Howard
As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system.
Creed Bratton
Cool beans.

Scene 15

5 lines
Creed Bratton
We're screwed.
Michael Scott
Who is?
Creed Bratton
Us? You and me. The old timers.
Michael Scott
I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Creed Bratton
You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

Scene 16

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months.
Pam Beesly
No.. (in awe)
Jim Halpert
Swear to God. (Pam shakes her head). Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun.
Pam Beesly
No, they have been dating for like two years. (Jim in shock) Since before your barbeque.
Jim Halpert
Wait. What? (Pam nods her head) You knew? And you didn't say anything?
Pam Beesly
You didn't say anything to me?
Jim Halpert
Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.
Pam Beesly
Can you believe that...
Phyllis Vance
Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here.
Jim Halpert
Oh no, we're just sitting here.
Phyllis Vance
I couldn't see your hands. (Jim shakes his hands) Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK?
Pam Beesly
OK.
Phyllis Vance
OK.
Jim Halpert
OK.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.

Scene 18

7 lines
Ryan Howard
OK, what's up?
Michael Scott
Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?
Ryan Howard
Well it is business, but not as usual.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?
Ryan Howard
No. (shaking head) We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.
Michael Scott
Good, so, we're on the same page?
Ryan Howard
No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.

Scene 20

6 lines
Ryan Howard
So, how are you?
Kelly Kapoor
Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
Ryan Howard
Good.
Kelly Kapoor
A lot. Black guys mostly.
Ryan Howard
Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor
What?!

Scene 21

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?
Stanley Hudson
I don't know.
Phyllis Vance
Did you even try?
Stanley Hudson
If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him.
Phyllis Vance
I can't see half of the things. (adjusts glasses)
Stanley Hudson
It's too little. Use the phone.

Scene 22

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Ryan Howard
Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me.
Ryan Howard
I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant.

Scene 23

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(shaking head)

Scene 24

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
And guess what buddy, (points at Ryan) I am keeping it.
Ryan Howard
OK. OK.
Kelly Kapoor
Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?
Ryan Howard
I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK?

Scene 25

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
We have a date!

Scene 26

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Angela Martin
Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Angela Martin
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.
Angela Martin
I would prefer a public place. See you after work.

Scene 27

19 lines
Jan Levinson
Hi, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Jan Levinson
Is Michael in?
Pam Beesly
In his office. You can go right in.
Jan Levinson
(to Ryan) Hey.
Ryan Howard
Jan.
Jan Levinson
Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
So elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan Levinson
Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title.
Ryan Howard
Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.
Jan Levinson
Different salary. (laughs) You'll get there, don't worry.
Ryan Howard
Well... you look great.
Jan Levinson
Thank you, thank you.
Ryan Howard
Scranton suits you.
Jan Levinson
Best decision I ever made.
Ryan Howard
You were let go.
Jan Levinson
You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. (goes into Michael's office)
Michael Scott
Hey.
Jan Levinson
Hey.

Scene 28

12 lines
Michael Scott
(holds up Blackberry) Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan Levinson
What?
Michael Scott
I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Jan Levinson
So, what's Ryan doing here?
Michael Scott
Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.
Jan Levinson
He's such a snake.
Michael Scott
Well...
Jan Levinson
I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit.
Michael Scott
What is that... word?
Jan Levinson
Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
Michael Scott
So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Jan Levinson
Yes, Michael, they do.

Scene 29

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
Creed?
Creed Bratton
Yes, sir.
Oscar Martinez
Everything OK? (Creed has made his hair jet black)
Creed Bratton
Everything's cool, dude.

Scene 30

1 line
Creed Bratton
I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty.

Scene 31

24 lines
Ryan Howard
Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.
Pam Beesly
Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why.
Ryan Howard
(notices pictures on the wall) Ohh... man.
Michael Scott
Good, we're all here, we can get started.
Ryan Howard
Michael.
Michael Scott
Have a seat.
Ryan Howard
We're not doing this today.
Michael Scott
Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Ryan Howard
OK. This is...
Michael Scott
Still my office, Ryan. (Ryan sits down) Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.
Toby Flenderson
Technically, he's right.
Michael Scott
Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed Bratton
Because they're lame.
Michael Scott
No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. (points to her picture on the wall) Or the funny things that they can do, like "where's the Beef?" (points to another picture on wall) (Jim raises his hand) Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.
Pam Beesly
Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
Michael Scott
I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.
Pam Beesly
Oh. (man enters conference room)
Robert Dunder
Michael Scott?
Michael Scott
(puts hand up) That is me. Come on in. (They shake hands) Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? (starts clapping, others join in)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yeah. Yes!
Robert Dunder
Thank you everyone.
Ryan Howard
Michael, (gets up) can I talk to you a second?
Michael Scott
Sure thing. (both go out of conference room) 'Scuse me. (closes door)

Scene 32

2 lines
Ryan Howard
We have actual work to do.
Michael Scott
Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. (they glare at each other)

Scene 33

5 lines
Michael Scott
Bob, how old are you?
Robert Dunder
I'm 87.
Michael Scott
Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
Robert Dunder
Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy.
Michael Scott
Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

Scene 35

16 lines
Robert Dunder
I started this company in 1949.
Michael Scott
Wow.
Robert Dunder
Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.
Michael Scott
Oh, boy.
Robert Dunder
And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.
Michael Scott
Great.
Robert Dunder
And he was, he was (starts laughing) at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.
Michael Scott
Great.
Robert Dunder
And...
Michael Scott
That's great. Thank you for coming in. (starts ushering him out) Robert Dunder everybody. (clapping) Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Robert Dunder
Well I, I, I came here in a cab.
Michael Scott
Perfect. (starts closing the door)
Robert Dunder
Well, cou, could you get me another... (Michael closes door)
Michael Scott
Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. (Pam raises hand)
Pam Beesly
I think that I should help him get home.
Michael Scott
No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. (Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up) What a nice guy.

Scene 36

9 lines
Michael Scott
Good night guys. (staff leaves the office)
Ryan Howard
Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
Michael Scott
I disagree, I think it was very valuable.
Ryan Howard
Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving.
Michael Scott
I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Ryan Howard
Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. (Michael retreats back to office) (to Kelly) Where do you wanna go?
Kelly Kapoor
You know, some place romantic and expensive.
Ryan Howard
Kelly, come on.
Kelly Kapoor
You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. (Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit)

Scene 37

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela Martin
Very much. How's your meat?
Dwight Schrute
Dry. Delicious.
Angela Martin
I heard a joke today.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's funny.
Angela Martin
Yes, it was.
Dwight Schrute
Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela Martin
I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.
Dwight Schrute
Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here (points to middle of forehead above the eyes), it's an old sales trick.
Angela Martin
I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.
Dwight Schrute
No, please don't do this, monkey.
Angela Martin
I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. (gets up and leaves restaurant)

Scene 38

5 lines
Michael Scott
Smell that. Do you smell that?
Dwight Schrute
Dry rot?
Michael Scott
No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer.
Andy Bernard
Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles.
Michael Scott
Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food.

Scene 40

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
You're welcome.
Angela Martin
Is that all?
Dwight Schrute
Yes... (whispers) I miss you.
Angela Martin
Elevators.

Scene 41

5 lines
Angela Martin
Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that?
Dwight Schrute
Fine. (sighs) Then I just want to be friends.
Angela Martin
Good.
Dwight Schrute
Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Angela Martin
(walks away)

Scene 42

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't understand what the big deal is.
Ryan Howard
You don't?
Kelly Kapoor
No!
Ryan Howard
You lied about being pregnant.
Kelly Kapoor
Right, so?
Ryan Howard
You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry?
Kelly Kapoor
No!
Ryan Howard
We're never getting back together.
Kelly Kapoor
Why not?

Scene 43

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?
Pam Beesly
It's funny you bring that up because yes it is.
Jim Halpert
I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?
Pam Beesly
I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but...
Jim Halpert
Be honest.
Pam Beesly
I now find you repulsive.
Jim Halpert
That's honest. (sighs) Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?
Pam Beesly
Eh...
Jim Halpert
For me, it was.
Pam Beesly
OK.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 44

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today.
Ryan Howard
What's, uh, going on here?
Michael Scott
I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.
Ryan Howard
With gift baskets.
Michael Scott
With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like.

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. "You can't be on the team", "You can't move on to second grade". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. (shakes head) We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.

Scene 46

25 lines
Michael Scott
OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy.
Stanley Hudson
I'm not driving with him. (points at Dwight)
Andy Bernard
I'll go with you Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
Or him.
Jim Halpert
Why don't we just go by ourselves?
Michael Scott
Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Phyllis Vance
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes?
Phyllis Vance
This is stupid.
Michael Scott
OK, that's not helpful Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Michael Scott
Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.
Andy Bernard
What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever.
Jim Halpert
What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy Bernard
Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.
Michael Scott
Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. (walks toward the door)
Dwight Schrute
Michael, wait. Let me go.
Michael Scott
No, this is my quest.
Dwight Schrute
Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. (camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face) Please.
Michael Scott
Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
Ryan Howard
Good luck Michael.
Michael Scott
We don't need luck.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

Scene 48

2 lines
Ryan Howard
(speaking on the phone) Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing.
Creed Bratton
(looks at vending machine) Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater.

Scene 49

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in Michael's car) Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring?
Michael Scott
It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
Dwight Schrute
Ah, that's a pain in the ass.
Michael Scott
I know. So who's next?
Dwight Schrute
Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
GPS
Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin.
Dwight Schrute
Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times.
Michael Scott
Who?
Dwight Schrute
The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. (sobs and then starts to cry)

Scene 50

17 lines
Ryan Howard
Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. (claps hands) I run into Vince Vaughn.
Kevin Malone
No way!
Ryan Howard
Literally.
Andy Bernard
Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.
Ryan Howard
... Later guys.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, later dude.
Andy Bernard
Later man.
Kevin Malone
Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, he's definitely something.
Kevin Malone
What does that mean?
Jim Halpert
That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing?
Andy Bernard
Ha! Tuna... (inhales deeply) Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Kevin Malone
Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Andy Bernard
He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes.
Kevin Malone
And he can get any girl that he wants.
Andy Bernard
So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons.
Kevin Malone
Tuna. Check you later.

Scene 51

17 lines
Michael Scott
(places the gift basket on top of the table) Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?
Larry Myers
You know we closed our account with you right?
Michael Scott
Yes we do.
Larry Myers
We're with Office Depot now.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you.
Michael Scott
Well...
Dwight Schrute
And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Larry Myers
OK. I don't think we're coming back.
Dwight Schrute
Please, come back.
Michael Scott
OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.
Dwight Schrute
Remember what we had Larry?
Larry Myers
I mean, really it's about money.
Michael Scott
Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.
Larry Myers
OK thanks.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Larry Myers
I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us.

Scene 52

8 lines
Michael Scott
(driving) That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
Dwight Schrute
I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.
Michael Scott
That is true.
Dwight Schrute
Like Angela in accounting.
Michael Scott
Yes, she is nuts.
Dwight Schrute
Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy.
GPS
Make the next right turn.
Michael Scott
How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.

Scene 53

8 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?
Pam Beesly
Uh totally.
Ryan Howard
Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Ryan Howard
Thank you very much.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Ryan Howard
Cool.
Pam Beesly
OK.

Scene 54

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. (laughs) I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited.

Scene 55

26 lines
Michael Scott
And the last guy says "No, hairy body".
Ex-client
You know I have heard it before.
Michael Scott
Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?
Ex-client
She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory.
Michael Scott
She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.
Ex-client
Oh, OK.
Michael Scott
OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?
Ex-client
OK thanks for the goodies.
Michael Scott
Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Ex-client
It looks delicious? I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
You don't know?
Michael Scott
Look, we want you back.
Ex-client
Can you offer lower prices?
Michael Scott
Well, no.
Ex-client
Then we're not coming back.
Dwight Schrute
He's not coming back, it's over Michael.
Michael Scott
No it's not.
Ex-client
No he's right.
Dwight Schrute
Accept it, why would he come back?
Michael Scott
Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.
Dwight Schrute
That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.
Michael Scott
Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.
Ex-client
Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back.
Michael Scott
Great, the magic of the gift basket.
Ex-client
That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up.
Michael Scott
OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.

Scene 56

18 lines
GPS
Proceed straight.
Dwight Schrute
(in Michael's car) Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side.
Michael Scott
I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.
Dwight Schrute
That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you.
Michael Scott
That is a very good point, Dwight.
GPS
Make a right turn.
Dwight Schrute
Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there.
Michael Scott
No, it said right, it said take a right.
Dwight Schrute
No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307.
Michael Scott
Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. (turns right)
Dwight Schrute
It can't mean that! There's a lake there!
Michael Scott
The machine knows where it is going!
Dwight Schrute
This is the lake!
Michael Scott
The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!
Dwight Schrute
No, it's--- there's no road here! (car drives into lake)
Dwight Schrute
Remain calm! I have trained for this! (unfastens seat belt) Okay, exit the window! (Dwight and Michael exit through the window) Here we go! Look out for leeches! (swims toward Michael) Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! (Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott
Let go, let go of me!
Dwight Schrute
I got you, I got you! (Michael and Dwight reach the ground)

Scene 57

4 lines
Michael Scott
(watching car get pulled from lake) You sure you're OK?
Dwight Schrute
Fine.
Michael Scott
Good, that is what's most important.
Dwight Schrute
Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.

Scene 58

10 lines
Michael Scott
What a disaster, this whole thing.
Dwight Schrute
I'll call a cab. (brings out cell phone)
Michael Scott
These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.
Dwight Schrute
Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone.
Michael Scott
What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. "I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy". Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.
Dwight Schrute
(speaking on the cell phone) Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake.
Michael Scott
Hang up. (Dwight hangs up) You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Michael Scott
We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!
Dwight Schrute
Take a stand!

Scene 59

21 lines
Pam Beesly
So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo.
Ryan Howard
I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.
Ryan Howard
I'd love to talk to you about it more.
Pam Beesly
That'd be great.
Ryan Howard
Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?
Pam Beesly
Oh... is it...
Ryan Howard
Wear something nice.
Pam Beesly
No...
Ryan Howard
What?
Pam Beesly
Um...
Ryan Howard
I just... I just wanted to have dinner.
Pam Beesly
I'm uh, I'm dating Jim.
Ryan Howard
You're kidding?
Pam Beesly
We're together.
Ryan Howard
That's... great, I... that's awesome.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, great.
Ryan Howard
(grabs paper with mockups) So let me um, let me look at these.
Pam Beesly
OK great!
Ryan Howard
Cool.
Pam Beesly
Great.

Scene 60

1 line
Jim Halpert
I guess he can't get any girl he wants.

Scene 61

18 lines
Ex-client
Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?
Michael Scott
Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.
Ex-client
Oh what is this?
Dwight Schrute
It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket.
Ex-client
Maybe you should leave.
Michael Scott
Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! (sits on couch)
Dwight Schrute
Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna (gets water from his clothes on the couch) Oops, sorry!
Michael Scott
Look, my clothes are so wet!
Dwight Schrute
Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! (rubs shoes on couch)
Ex-client
(comes back with gift basket) Alright here you go, take it back!
Michael Scott
It's been opened.
Ex-client
Yeah it was mine!
Michael Scott
What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
Ex-client
Come on guys, get out of here!
Michael Scott
WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
Dwight Schrute
(enters nearby room) Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!
Ex-client
I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone!
Dwight Schrute
(leaving) We'll bill you.

Scene 62

9 lines
Michael Scott
May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan Howard
That is not correct.
Michael Scott
Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar Martinez
You did what?
Michael Scott
I drove my car into a (bleep) lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.
Jim Halpert
Into a lake.
Michael Scott
Exactly!
Phyllis Vance
Did you get any clients back?
Michael Scott
Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. (looks at Ryan) Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.

Scene 63

1 line
Michael Scott
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

Scene 64

1 line
Ryan Howard
I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars.