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Season 4 Episode 2
Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Every line from The Office episode "Dunder Mifflin Infinity", season 4 episode 2.

Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: I gotcha one. (Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim)
Jim Halpert: Oh wow, thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some?
Pam Beesly: No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right?
Jim Halpert: I guess. (Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek) How dare you.
Michael Scott: Hey Toby. What's this? (holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff)
Toby Flenderson: Ohh.
Michael Scott: (reads memo) I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Toby Flenderson: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained...
Michael Scott: Oh really.
Toby Flenderson: ...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know (Michael leans in closer to Toby) I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that.
Michael Scott: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight...
Toby Flenderson: Ok, look the memo is not about you...
Angela Martin: (to everyone in the room) For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.
Toby Flenderson: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So...
Michael Scott: (turns to address Jim and Pam) No way.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Phyllis Vance: You guys are together?
Jim Halpert: Ummm... yup. Yes, we are.
Michael Scott: Woooah! Wow!
Andy Bernard: Tuna!
Michael Scott: Awesome!
Kevin Malone: I knew it!
Michael Scott: You guys! Yes! Yes!
Pam Beesly: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. (gestures to Pam to get up) Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, (to Jim) stand up. (Jim moves over in chair) OK, here we go. (holding both Pam and Jim's hand) Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Jim Halpert: Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.
Michael Scott: I love you guys, so much. (hugs Jim)
Jim Halpert: Ohh.. (Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings)
Pam Beesly: Phone's ringing. (goes back toward desk)
Michael Scott: No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is (starts to well up) really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.
Dwight Schrute: I don't see it. I think they both could do better.
Angela Martin: It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
Andy Bernard: Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?
Michael Scott: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis Vance: Did you plan it?
Michael Scott: No. (tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it)
Pam Beesly: (reading from paper) Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael Scott: Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam Beesly: You might want to trim it a little.
Phyllis Vance: Michael... (Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress)
Kelly Kapoor: (reading sign) Oh, is... Ryan coming back today?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, he is.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh.
Michael Scott: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Angela Martin: What do you want?
Dwight Schrute: To give you this (reveals a cat from under a coat).
Angela Martin: Oh, what is that?
Dwight Schrute: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela Martin: Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight Schrute: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. (shakes cat) Don't you Garbage? (makes chomping noises)
Angela Martin: I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground.
Dwight Schrute: You haven't buried her yet?
Angela Martin: Don't rush me. I'm grieving.
Dwight Schrute: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. (holds cat towards Angela) Look at him.
Angela Martin: I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! (walks away)
Pam Beesly: Hey Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Hey... (sees both Jim and Pam) you two.
Jim Halpert: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company.
Toby Flenderson: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know (makes quotes with fingers) relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Pam Beesly: Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. (Jim smiles)
Toby Flenderson: Uh huh.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...?
Toby Flenderson: Let's just wait and see what happens. (whispers) You know?
Jim Halpert: What?
Toby Flenderson: Let's just wait.
Jim Halpert: Oh, OK.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Jim Halpert: Great. (Jim and Pam walk away)
Pam Beesly: (sees Ryan coming through door) Hey Ryan. Welcome back --
Ryan Howard: Hold on one second. (Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds) Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in?
Michael Scott: Hey!
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. (laughing) He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs.
Ryan Howard: OK. Should we get started?
Michael Scott: Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..
Ryan Howard: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.
Michael Scott: meeting --
Kevin Malone: (rubbing hands in Ryan's hair) Fire!
Ryan Howard: Stop that! Stop that!
Michael Scott: That's right! That's right!
Ryan Howard: (to Kevin) You scared me.
Michael Scott: Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan.
Andy Bernard: Fire guy (makes flames with his hands)
Kevin Malone: You weren't here for that.
Andy Bernard: Here for what?
Kevin Malone: When he started the fire.
Michael Scott: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man...
Kevin Malone: Little old man boy.
Ryan Howard: Michael and everybody, umm...
Michael Scott: Beard.
Kevin Malone: Bearded man boy.
Ryan Howard: ...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow!
Ryan Howard: So...
Michael Scott: That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.
Ryan Howard: OK...
Michael Scott: Woooo!(laughs) I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Ryan Howard: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in (looks at Ryan) 10 minutes?
Ryan Howard: Perfect.
Michael Scott: Sounds good. OK, alright.
Michael Scott: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.
Ryan Howard: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.
Jim Halpert: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. (Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading "Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!")
Ryan Howard: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Michael Scott: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan Howard: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Ryan Howard: This is company-wide, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Got it. (Andy's hand goes up)
Ryan Howard: Andy.
Andy Bernard: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?
Ryan Howard: Any other questions? (Kelly's hand goes up) Kelly Kapoor.
Kelly Kapoor: Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Ryan Howard: Thank you everybody.
Michael Scott: Ryan Howard everybody. (starts clapping) Good job. (everyone gets up to leave)
Creed Bratton: That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?
Ryan Howard: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system.
Creed Bratton: Cool beans.
Creed Bratton: We're screwed.
Michael Scott: Who is?
Creed Bratton: Us? You and me. The old timers.
Michael Scott: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Creed Bratton: You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.
Jim Halpert: Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months.
Pam Beesly: No.. (in awe)
Jim Halpert: Swear to God. (Pam shakes her head). Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun.
Pam Beesly: No, they have been dating for like two years. (Jim in shock) Since before your barbeque.
Jim Halpert: Wait. What? (Pam nods her head) You knew? And you didn't say anything?
Pam Beesly: You didn't say anything to me?
Jim Halpert: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.
Pam Beesly: Can you believe that...
Phyllis Vance: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here.
Jim Halpert: Oh no, we're just sitting here.
Phyllis Vance: I couldn't see your hands. (Jim shakes his hands) Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK?
Pam Beesly: OK.
Phyllis Vance: OK.
Jim Halpert: OK.
Jim Halpert: And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.
Ryan Howard: OK, what's up?
Michael Scott: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?
Ryan Howard: Well it is business, but not as usual.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?
Ryan Howard: No. (shaking head) We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.
Michael Scott: Good, so, we're on the same page?
Ryan Howard: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.
Michael Scott: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.
Ryan Howard: So, how are you?
Kelly Kapoor: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
Ryan Howard: Good.
Kelly Kapoor: A lot. Black guys mostly.
Ryan Howard: Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor: What?!
Phyllis Vance: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?
Stanley Hudson: I don't know.
Phyllis Vance: Did you even try?
Stanley Hudson: If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him.
Phyllis Vance: I can't see half of the things. (adjusts glasses)
Stanley Hudson: It's too little. Use the phone.
Kelly Kapoor: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me.
Ryan Howard: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant.
Kelly Kapoor: (shaking head)
Kelly Kapoor: And guess what buddy, (points at Ryan) I am keeping it.
Ryan Howard: OK. OK.
Kelly Kapoor: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?
Ryan Howard: I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK?
Kelly Kapoor: We have a date!
Dwight Schrute: Hello.
Angela Martin: Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Angela Martin: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.
Angela Martin: I would prefer a public place. See you after work.
Jan Levinson: Hi, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Jan Levinson: Is Michael in?
Pam Beesly: In his office. You can go right in.
Jan Levinson: (to Ryan) Hey.
Ryan Howard: Jan.
Jan Levinson: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: So elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan Levinson: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title.
Ryan Howard: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.
Jan Levinson: Different salary. (laughs) You'll get there, don't worry.
Ryan Howard: Well... you look great.
Jan Levinson: Thank you, thank you.
Ryan Howard: Scranton suits you.
Jan Levinson: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan Howard: You were let go.
Jan Levinson: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. (goes into Michael's office)
Michael Scott: Hey.
Jan Levinson: Hey.
Michael Scott: (holds up Blackberry) Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan Levinson: What?
Michael Scott: I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Jan Levinson: So, what's Ryan doing here?
Michael Scott: Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.
Jan Levinson: He's such a snake.
Michael Scott: Well...
Jan Levinson: I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit.
Michael Scott: What is that... word?
Jan Levinson: Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
Michael Scott: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Jan Levinson: Yes, Michael, they do.
Oscar Martinez: Creed?
Creed Bratton: Yes, sir.
Oscar Martinez: Everything OK? (Creed has made his hair jet black)
Creed Bratton: Everything's cool, dude.
Creed Bratton: I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty.
Ryan Howard: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.
Pam Beesly: Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why.
Ryan Howard: (notices pictures on the wall) Ohh... man.
Michael Scott: Good, we're all here, we can get started.
Ryan Howard: Michael.
Michael Scott: Have a seat.
Ryan Howard: We're not doing this today.
Michael Scott: Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Ryan Howard: OK. This is...
Michael Scott: Still my office, Ryan. (Ryan sits down) Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.
Toby Flenderson: Technically, he's right.
Michael Scott: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed Bratton: Because they're lame.
Michael Scott: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. (points to her picture on the wall) Or the funny things that they can do, like "where's the Beef?" (points to another picture on wall) (Jim raises his hand) Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.
Pam Beesly: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
Michael Scott: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.
Pam Beesly: Oh. (man enters conference room)
Robert Dunder: Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: (puts hand up) That is me. Come on in. (They shake hands) Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? (starts clapping, others join in)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, yeah. Yes!
Robert Dunder: Thank you everyone.
Ryan Howard: Michael, (gets up) can I talk to you a second?
Michael Scott: Sure thing. (both go out of conference room) 'Scuse me. (closes door)
Ryan Howard: We have actual work to do.
Michael Scott: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. (they glare at each other)
Michael Scott: Bob, how old are you?
Robert Dunder: I'm 87.
Michael Scott: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
Robert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy.
Michael Scott: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.
Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.
Michael Scott: Oh, boy.
Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.
Michael Scott: Great.
Robert Dunder: And he was, he was (starts laughing) at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.
Michael Scott: Great.
Robert Dunder: And...
Michael Scott: That's great. Thank you for coming in. (starts ushering him out) Robert Dunder everybody. (clapping) Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Robert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab.
Michael Scott: Perfect. (starts closing the door)
Robert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another... (Michael closes door)
Michael Scott: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. (Pam raises hand)
Pam Beesly: I think that I should help him get home.
Michael Scott: No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. (Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up) What a nice guy.
Michael Scott: Good night guys. (staff leaves the office)
Ryan Howard: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
Michael Scott: I disagree, I think it was very valuable.
Ryan Howard: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving.
Michael Scott: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Ryan Howard: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. (Michael retreats back to office) (to Kelly) Where do you wanna go?
Kelly Kapoor: You know, some place romantic and expensive.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, come on.
Kelly Kapoor: You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. (Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit)
Dwight Schrute: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela Martin: Very much. How's your meat?
Dwight Schrute: Dry. Delicious.
Angela Martin: I heard a joke today.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny.
Angela Martin: Yes, it was.
Dwight Schrute: Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela Martin: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.
Dwight Schrute: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here (points to middle of forehead above the eyes), it's an old sales trick.
Angela Martin: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.
Dwight Schrute: No, please don't do this, monkey.
Angela Martin: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. (gets up and leaves restaurant)
Michael Scott: Smell that. Do you smell that?
Dwight Schrute: Dry rot?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer.
Andy Bernard: Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles.
Michael Scott: Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later.
Michael Scott: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: You're welcome.
Angela Martin: Is that all?
Dwight Schrute: Yes... (whispers) I miss you.
Angela Martin: Elevators.
Angela Martin: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that?
Dwight Schrute: Fine. (sighs) Then I just want to be friends.
Angela Martin: Good.
Dwight Schrute: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Angela Martin: (walks away)
Kelly Kapoor: I don't understand what the big deal is.
Ryan Howard: You don't?
Kelly Kapoor: No!
Ryan Howard: You lied about being pregnant.
Kelly Kapoor: Right, so?
Ryan Howard: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry?
Kelly Kapoor: No!
Ryan Howard: We're never getting back together.
Kelly Kapoor: Why not?
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?
Pam Beesly: It's funny you bring that up because yes it is.
Jim Halpert: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?
Pam Beesly: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but...
Jim Halpert: Be honest.
Pam Beesly: I now find you repulsive.
Jim Halpert: That's honest. (sighs) Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?
Pam Beesly: Eh...
Jim Halpert: For me, it was.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Michael Scott: Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today.
Ryan Howard: What's, uh, going on here?
Michael Scott: I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.
Ryan Howard: With gift baskets.
Michael Scott: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like.
Michael Scott: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. "You can't be on the team", "You can't move on to second grade". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. (shakes head) We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.
Michael Scott: OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy.
Stanley Hudson: I'm not driving with him. (points at Dwight)
Andy Bernard: I'll go with you Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Or him.
Jim Halpert: Why don't we just go by ourselves?
Michael Scott: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Phyllis Vance: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes?
Phyllis Vance: This is stupid.
Michael Scott: OK, that's not helpful Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Michael Scott: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.
Andy Bernard: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever.
Jim Halpert: What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy Bernard: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.
Michael Scott: Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. (walks toward the door)
Dwight Schrute: Michael, wait. Let me go.
Michael Scott: No, this is my quest.
Dwight Schrute: Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. (camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face) Please.
Michael Scott: Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
Ryan Howard: Good luck Michael.
Michael Scott: We don't need luck.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.
Ryan Howard: (speaking on the phone) Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing.
Creed Bratton: (looks at vending machine) Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater.
Dwight Schrute: (in Michael's car) Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring?
Michael Scott: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, that's a pain in the ass.
Michael Scott: I know. So who's next?
Dwight Schrute: Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin.
Dwight Schrute: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times.
Michael Scott: Who?
Dwight Schrute: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. (sobs and then starts to cry)
Ryan Howard: Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. (claps hands) I run into Vince Vaughn.
Kevin Malone: No way!
Ryan Howard: Literally.
Andy Bernard: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.
Ryan Howard: ... Later guys.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, later dude.
Andy Bernard: Later man.
Kevin Malone: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, he's definitely something.
Kevin Malone: What does that mean?
Jim Halpert: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing?
Andy Bernard: Ha! Tuna... (inhales deeply) Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Kevin Malone: Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Andy Bernard: He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes.
Kevin Malone: And he can get any girl that he wants.
Andy Bernard: So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons.
Kevin Malone: Tuna. Check you later.
Michael Scott: (places the gift basket on top of the table) Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?
Larry Myers: You know we closed our account with you right?
Michael Scott: Yes we do.
Larry Myers: We're with Office Depot now.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you.
Michael Scott: Well...
Dwight Schrute: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm.
Larry Myers: OK. I don't think we're coming back.
Dwight Schrute: Please, come back.
Michael Scott: OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.
Dwight Schrute: Remember what we had Larry?
Larry Myers: I mean, really it's about money.
Michael Scott: Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.
Larry Myers: OK thanks.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Larry Myers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us.
Michael Scott: (driving) That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.
Michael Scott: That is true.
Dwight Schrute: Like Angela in accounting.
Michael Scott: Yes, she is nuts.
Dwight Schrute: Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy.
GPS: Make the next right turn.
Michael Scott: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.
Ryan Howard: Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?
Pam Beesly: Uh totally.
Ryan Howard: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: Thank you very much.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Ryan Howard: Cool.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. (laughs) I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited.
Michael Scott: And the last guy says "No, hairy body".
Ex-client: You know I have heard it before.
Michael Scott: Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?
Ex-client: She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory.
Michael Scott: She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.
Ex-client: Oh, OK.
Michael Scott: OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?
Ex-client: OK thanks for the goodies.
Michael Scott: Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Ex-client: It looks delicious? I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: You don't know?
Michael Scott: Look, we want you back.
Ex-client: Can you offer lower prices?
Michael Scott: Well, no.
Ex-client: Then we're not coming back.
Dwight Schrute: He's not coming back, it's over Michael.
Michael Scott: No it's not.
Ex-client: No he's right.
Dwight Schrute: Accept it, why would he come back?
Michael Scott: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.
Dwight Schrute: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.
Michael Scott: Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.
Ex-client: Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back.
Michael Scott: Great, the magic of the gift basket.
Ex-client: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up.
Michael Scott: OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.
GPS: Proceed straight.
Dwight Schrute: (in Michael's car) Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side.
Michael Scott: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.
Dwight Schrute: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you.
Michael Scott: That is a very good point, Dwight.
GPS: Make a right turn.
Dwight Schrute: Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there.
Michael Scott: No, it said right, it said take a right.
Dwight Schrute: No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307.
Michael Scott: Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. (turns right)
Dwight Schrute: It can't mean that! There's a lake there!
Michael Scott: The machine knows where it is going!
Dwight Schrute: This is the lake!
Michael Scott: The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!
Dwight Schrute: No, it's--- there's no road here! (car drives into lake)
Dwight Schrute: Remain calm! I have trained for this! (unfastens seat belt) Okay, exit the window! (Dwight and Michael exit through the window) Here we go! Look out for leeches! (swims toward Michael) Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! (Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Let go, let go of me!
Dwight Schrute: I got you, I got you! (Michael and Dwight reach the ground)
Michael Scott: (watching car get pulled from lake) You sure you're OK?
Dwight Schrute: Fine.
Michael Scott: Good, that is what's most important.
Dwight Schrute: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.
Michael Scott: What a disaster, this whole thing.
Dwight Schrute: I'll call a cab. (brings out cell phone)
Michael Scott: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.
Dwight Schrute: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone.
Michael Scott: What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. "I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy". Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.
Dwight Schrute: (speaking on the cell phone) Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake.
Michael Scott: Hang up. (Dwight hangs up) You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!
Dwight Schrute: Take a stand!
Pam Beesly: So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo.
Ryan Howard: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff.
Pam Beesly: Thanks.
Ryan Howard: I'd love to talk to you about it more.
Pam Beesly: That'd be great.
Ryan Howard: Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?
Pam Beesly: Oh... is it...
Ryan Howard: Wear something nice.
Pam Beesly: No...
Ryan Howard: What?
Pam Beesly: Um...
Ryan Howard: I just... I just wanted to have dinner.
Pam Beesly: I'm uh, I'm dating Jim.
Ryan Howard: You're kidding?
Pam Beesly: We're together.
Ryan Howard: That's... great, I... that's awesome.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, great.
Ryan Howard: (grabs paper with mockups) So let me um, let me look at these.
Pam Beesly: OK great!
Ryan Howard: Cool.
Pam Beesly: Great.
Jim Halpert: I guess he can't get any girl he wants.
Ex-client: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?
Michael Scott: Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.
Ex-client: Oh what is this?
Dwight Schrute: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket.
Ex-client: Maybe you should leave.
Michael Scott: Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! (sits on couch)
Dwight Schrute: Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna (gets water from his clothes on the couch) Oops, sorry!
Michael Scott: Look, my clothes are so wet!
Dwight Schrute: Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! (rubs shoes on couch)
Ex-client: (comes back with gift basket) Alright here you go, take it back!
Michael Scott: It's been opened.
Ex-client: Yeah it was mine!
Michael Scott: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
Ex-client: Come on guys, get out of here!
Dwight Schrute: (enters nearby room) Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!
Ex-client: I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone!
Dwight Schrute: (leaving) We'll bill you.
Michael Scott: May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan Howard: That is not correct.
Michael Scott: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar Martinez: You did what?
Michael Scott: I drove my car into a (bleep) lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.
Jim Halpert: Into a lake.
Michael Scott: Exactly!
Phyllis Vance: Did you get any clients back?
Michael Scott: Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. (looks at Ryan) Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.
Michael Scott: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.
Ryan Howard: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 4. Dunder Mifflin Infinity is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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