Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Launch Party

Vol. 4 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Michael Scott thinks he's a VIP in New York, but he’s really just stuck in Scranton with a kidnapped pizza delivery kid. You'll find every line from this episode here, including Dwight’s legendary battle against the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website. Whether you're looking for the difference between the two Alfredo's or Andy’s a cappella serenade, it's all in this full script.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? (everyone groans) Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!

Scene 04

12 lines
Michael Scott
We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? (screen saver box hits the wall)
Andy Bernard
Dah! Come on!
Michael Scott
Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.
Oscar Martinez
It's never gonna happen.
Kevin Malone
Dude, you gotta believe.
Michael Scott
Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) Wait for it.
Michael Scott
Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." (screensaver box hits the corner of the screen)
Everyone
Oh! Yes!
Michael Scott
(everyone gets up and leaves the conference room) Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.
Kevin Malone
That was so awesome.
Michael Scott
That was awesome. Thank you.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?

Scene 06

14 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey... there he is.
Jim Halpert
Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?
Meredith Palmer
I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Jim Halpert
Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so...
Meredith Palmer
Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut.
Jim Halpert
Haha...
Meredith Palmer
Anyway, I have this Sharpie...
Jim Halpert
Uh-huh.
Meredith Palmer
And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?
Jim Halpert
MmmHmm...
Meredith Palmer
(lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis) Can you write where I can read it?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah.
Meredith Palmer
(whispers) I'll read this when I get home.
Jim Halpert
Alright...

Scene 07

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.
Michael Scott
Oh, does he?
Pam Beesly
He does.
Michael Scott
Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.
Jim Halpert
Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?
Michael Scott
And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...

Scene 09

17 lines
Michael Scott
The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.
Jim Halpert
Actually it sounds like you are.
Dwight Schrute
Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?
Kelly Kapoor
If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael Scott
No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley Hudson
Yes, please let us know.
Dwight Schrute
I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela Martin
Waste of time.
Michael Scott
What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela Martin
Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight Schrute
You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela Martin
I don't care, but yes.
Dwight Schrute
Well I will prove you wrong.
Angela Martin
I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight Schrute
We'll see.
Angela Martin
I won't be watching, and I won't.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.

Scene 11

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
Stanley, you're dancing!
Stanley Hudson
No I'm not.

Scene 12

2 lines
Ryan Howard
Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.
Voice of Thomas Dean
I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.

Scene 13

1 line
Ryan Howard
Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun.

Scene 14

14 lines
Andy Bernard
And this is where I will record your sales.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.
Andy Bernard
And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done.
Jim Halpert
Or zipadeedoodaah.
Andy Bernard
I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight Schrute
Just ignore him.
Andy Bernard
Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go.
Jim Halpert
I was... mocking.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy Bernard
Yes like a chime or a bell...
Jim Halpert
Or a gong.
Dwight Schrute
Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Andy Bernard
Yes!

Scene 15

2 lines
Kevin Malone
Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?
Angela Martin
Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?

Scene 16

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. (whispering) So we're gonna try out some new things today.

Scene 17

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?
Angela Martin
I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis Vance
I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.
Angela Martin
It is awful. You've made this day awful!
Kevin Malone
Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela Martin
Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?
Michael Scott
Ohh, lunch party.
Angela Martin
It's supposed to say launch!
Michael Scott
Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.
Angela Martin
I care!

Scene 18

1 line
Angela Martin
Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead.

Scene 19

14 lines
Andy Bernard
Twenty seconds to go time.
Dwight Schrute
Got it. Carb up.
Jim Halpert
Really? Power gel?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.
Andy Bernard
Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!
Dwight Schrute
Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert
What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?
Dwight Schrute
Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
He's going through a break-up.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person.
Andy Bernard
(blowing air horn) Yeah!
Dwight Schrute
Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines.
Pam Beesly
What kind of prank are you thinking?

Scene 20

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold.
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) Who am I?
Dwight Schrute
(on monitor) You tell me.
Jim Halpert
(dictating to Pam) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
Dwight Schrute
(on monitor) How do I know this isn't Jim?
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) What is a Jim?

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Scene 22

16 lines
Michael Scott
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Yes it's too tight.
Kelly Kapoor
Waaay too tight.
Michael Scott
Really?
Oscar Martinez
This is why I'm here?
Kelly Kapoor
Why is it so tight?
Michael Scott
It's the European cut.
Angela Martin
Is just looks bad.
Michael Scott
Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?
Tech Guy
Setting up the web-cam for the party.
Michael Scott
Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
Kelly Kapoor
Depends... how much have you eaten already today?
Michael Scott
I had um, one of those danishes.
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Kelly Kapoor
You had carbs? That's awful.
Pam Beesly
Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan.

Scene 23

13 lines
Michael Scott
Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) My friends? Michael, I was terminated.
Michael Scott
Just...
Jan Levinson
Is it really that important to you?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
Alright.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Jan Levinson
Go by yourself.
Michael Scott
Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.
Jan Levinson
Well...
Michael Scott
Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Jan Levinson
What? No Michael!
Michael Scott
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.

Scene 24

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ohhhhhh!
Andy Bernard
Website check please.
Meredith Palmer
Three hundred and five.
Andy Bernard
Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.
Meredith Palmer
Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.
Andy Bernard
You my friend are in a very close second.
Meredith Palmer
Four-oh-two.
Andy Bernard
Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?
Meredith Palmer
What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve.

Scene 25

11 lines
Michael Scott
So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.
Jim Halpert
Sure we'll go.
Michael Scott
Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
Jim Halpert
Oh I'm sorry. What?
Pam Beesly
One of the tickets is for him.
Michael Scott
Just let me know who the winner is.
Pam & Jim
Not it.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Pam Beesly
I won.
Jim Halpert
Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.
Pam Beesly
Tie goes to the girlfriend.

Scene 26

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. (hangs up phone)
Jim Halpert
How's it going?
Dwight Schrute
Fine. Good.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
You look a little worried.
Dwight Schrute
I do not look worried.
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) You do look worried.
Dwight Schrute
(on monitor) Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read...
Pam Beesly
Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper.

Scene 27

5 lines
Angela Martin
I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.
Phyllis Vance
I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.
Angela Martin
Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?
Phyllis Vance
Yes.
Angela Martin
Goodie.

Scene 28

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey man.
Darryl Philbin
What's up man?
Jim Halpert
What's going on?
Darryl Philbin
Make a delivery.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah?
Darryl Philbin
Kelly ordered this online.

Scene 29

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.
Kelly Kapoor
But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin."
Dwight Schrute
Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl Philbin
Who knows?
Dwight Schrute
Return it! Return it now!
Darryl Philbin
Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man.
Dwight Schrute
Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Darryl Philbin
Who's it?
Darryl Philbin
Here you go.
Kelly Kapoor
Thanks.
Darryl Philbin
So you still missing Ryan?
Kelly Kapoor
Not so much anymore.
Darryl Philbin
Mmmmm.

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.

Scene 32

10 lines
Michael Scott
Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.
Jim Halpert
I'm driving?
Michael Scott
Yes. Thank you.
Jim Halpert
Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam.
Michael Scott
Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. (kissing noise, kissing noise) I love ya Pam... okay. (singing) I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?
Angela Martin
Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.
Michael Scott
If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow.
Dwight Schrute
Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?

Scene 33

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?
Andy Bernard
No ! (blows air horn and dances)
Dwight Schrute
Huh?!
Angela Martin
Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!
Dwight Schrute
Did you see the board?
Angela Martin
There's still an hour.

Scene 34

28 lines
Michael Scott
You ever read this? (holds up Green Eggs and Ham)
Jim Halpert
Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it.
Michael Scott
Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured...
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Same sort of stuff in here.
Jim Halpert
It's not. It's different. But it's a good book.
Michael Scott
Mmwa. Mmwa.
Jim Halpert
What was that?
Michael Scott
Leaving Pennsylvania.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Two kisses.
Michael Scott
One for me one for Jan.
Jim Halpert
Gotcha.
Michael Scott
You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?
Jim Halpert
That would be fun.
Michael Scott
Wanna come over Friday?
Jim Halpert
Uhhh. Can't.
Michael Scott
After work you guys...
Jim Halpert
Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?
Michael Scott
Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So...
Jim Halpert
Mmmkay...
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Uh, that is an invitation to an online party.
Michael Scott
No.
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Michael Scott
No, I'm sure that's not. Na...
Jim Halpert
Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Yep.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
Jim Halpert
Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.
Michael Scott
Yeah. I withdrew too.

Scene 38

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Four! Three! Two! One!
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Andy Bernard
Woo!
Dwight Schrute
Woo!
Andy Bernard
After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams.
Dwight Schrute
Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.
Andy Bernard
Fifty-two reams!
Dwight Schrute
No no no the first part.
Andy Bernard
Dwight has defeated the computer.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.
Angela Martin
I didn't ask you to do it for me.
Dwight Schrute
You didn't have to.

Scene 39

1 line
Angela Martin
How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?

Scene 40

5 lines
Angela Martin
Hello, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hello.
Angela Martin
Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Pam Beesly
Um... uh... I'll get back to you.
Angela Martin
Let me know.

Scene 41

1 line
DunMiff/sys
(on monitor) You beat me. You are the superior being.

Scene 42

9 lines
Michael Scott
Alright who wants to party?
Oscar Martinez
Why aren't you in New York?
Michael Scott
Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out.
Stanley Hudson
You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.
Michael Scott
I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?
Andy Bernard
He beat the computer.
Michael Scott
Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.

Scene 44

23 lines
Michael Scott
How we doing on time?
Angela Martin
The party starts in an hour.
Michael Scott
Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.
Angela Martin
Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?
Michael Scott
Mmmhmm.
Angela Martin
Something made of ice?
Michael Scott
Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
Angela Martin
Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?
Michael Scott
I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important...
Angela Martin
Chocolates? Someone famous?
Michael Scott
Yes
Angela Martin
Cool music.
Michael Scott
Uh...
Angela Martin
Confetti.
Michael Scott
I want it...
Angela Martin
Go-Go dancers?
Michael Scott
I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?"
Angela Martin
I can't do this.
Michael Scott
Yes you can.
Angela Martin
I can't do it.
Michael Scott
Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?
Angela Martin
Okay. Okay.
Michael Scott
No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!

Scene 45

13 lines
Andy Bernard
What do you think of Angela?
Dwight Schrute
I think she's efficient.
Andy Bernard
No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N.
Dwight Schrute
I hadn't noticed.
Andy Bernard
You hadn't noticed she's a woman?
Dwight Schrute
(impatient sigh)
Andy Bernard
I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight Schrute
I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy Bernard
Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight Schrute
No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy Bernard
She works here too, how is that any different?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.
Andy Bernard
(raised eyebrows) Okay.

Scene 46

16 lines
Michael Scott
Good news.
Stanley Hudson
We get to go home?
Michael Scott
Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Everyone
(murmurs of approval)
Kevin Malone
Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott
Same thing.
Kevin Malone
No, no.
Everyone
(disagreeing with Michael)
Michael Scott
You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.
Kevin Malone
Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott
Pizza by Alfredo.
Everyone
(shouts of disapproval)
Michael Scott
Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
Everyone
Medium amount of good pizza.
Michael Scott
(sighs, walks back into office)

Scene 47

1 line
Kevin Malone
Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Scene 48

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.
Angela Martin
It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.
Phyllis Vance
(Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face)
Angela Martin
Ow!

Scene 49

1 line
Phyllis Vance
That seemed to shut her up.

Scene 50

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. (Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look)
Andy Bernard
Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.
Andy Bernard
Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?
Angela Martin
What?
Andy Bernard
Hello.
Angela Martin
I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again.

Scene 51

1 line
Andy Bernard
They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Scene 52

27 lines
Michael Scott
Yup.
Pam Beesly
The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.
Michael Scott
You don't have to say it like that.
Pam Beesly
I said it normal.
Michael Scott
Hey
Pizza guy
Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott
Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.
Pizza guy
The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.
Pizza guy
I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy.
Michael Scott
You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Oscar Martinez
It's not pizza.
Michael Scott
Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.
Pizza guy
(shrugs)
Michael Scott
(sarcastic shrugging of shoulders) What do you mean hmm-um?
Pizza guy
Not my problem.
Michael Scott
It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.
Pizza guy
Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott
I'm not giving that to you.
Pizza guy
Well then you're not getting you're pizzas.
Michael Scott
No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out.
Pizza guy
What?
Michael Scott
You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room.
Pizza guy
I'm not going in there.
Michael Scott
Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you.
Pizza guy
This is stupid.
Michael Scott
No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here.

Scene 53

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
You find anything?
Kevin Malone
We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.
Oscar Martinez
Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
Stanley Hudson
Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar Martinez
Because we're looking up jail time.
Stanley Hudson
Fine.

Scene 54

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.

Scene 55

1 line
Pizza guy
Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Scene 56

19 lines
Michael Scott
You ready to give me my discount now?
Pizza guy
No.
Michael Scott
Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Pizza guy
What kind of business is this?
Dwight Schrute
We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
Michael Scott
Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man.
Pizza guy
You better think about what you're doing.
Michael Scott
No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?
Pizza guy
Sales?
Michael Scott
Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales.
Pizza guy
You're such a loser.
Dwight Schrute
What did you just call him?
Pizza guy
A loser.
Dwight Schrute
What did you say?
Pizza guy
A loser.
Michael Scott
Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.
Dwight Schrute
I can make him talk, Michael.
Everyone
Michael, Michael
Michael Scott
Stop talking all at once!

Scene 57

17 lines
Jim Halpert
You need to let him go.
Michael Scott
Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Michael Scott
You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim Halpert
Yes, but not by kidnapping.
Michael Scott
I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim Halpert
As a hostage.
Michael Scott
I think you're over-thinking it.
Jim Halpert
I think you're under-thinking it.
Michael Scott
Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...
Jim Halpert
Ransom.
Michael Scott
Trouble. Okay, alright.
Jim Halpert
What did he say?
Michael Scott
He said no.
Jim Halpert
So, we should let him go.
Michael Scott
No, no.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 58

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen up kid. (pops balloon with his hands) I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.
Angela Martin
I have to hang these.
Pizza guy
Why are you looking at her like that?
Dwight Schrute
Hey!

Scene 59

4 lines
Kevin Malone
What's going on?
Jim Halpert
Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.
Michael Scott
Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?
Kevin Malone
We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.

Scene 60

10 lines
Angela Martin
I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour.
Meredith Palmer
I think it looks good.
Angela Martin
That's why you're not in charge Meredith.
Andy Bernard
Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice.
Angela Martin
How did you, um, where did you...
Dwight Schrute
It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor.
Angela Martin
Will you help me put it over there?
Andy Bernard
Yes I will.
Angela Martin
Okay.
Andy Bernard
Excuse me.

Scene 61

1 line
Andy Bernard
I stole it!

Scene 62

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
Thank God.
Pam Beesly
Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself.
Michael Scott
I'll just wave and introduce myself.
Jim Halpert
Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?
Pam Beesly
I'm all over it.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Jim Halpert
What have we got here?
Kevin Malone
Good pizza.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?
Kevin Malone
Different stuff.
Jim Halpert
Which one's this? Perfect.

Scene 63

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight.
Jim Halpert
And that's when I knew. You?
Pam Beesly
You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.
Jim Halpert
That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Jim Halpert
Wow, can we make it a different moment?
Pam Beesly
Nope.

Scene 64

5 lines
Manager
Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.
Ryan Howard
And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that (bleep)hole.
Ryan Howard
Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.
Pizza guy
If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.

Scene 65

5 lines
Angela Martin
Ow! What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
You said your upper back itched.
Angela Martin
I didn't ask you to scratch it.
Andy Bernard
Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you.
Angela Martin
I'm not dating you.

Scene 66

4 lines
Andy Bernard
So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.
Dwight Schrute
(smiles)
Andy Bernard
But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down.
Dwight Schrute
(kicks open bathroom door) If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!

Scene 67

12 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, have you seen Jim?
Kevin Malone
I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.
Dwight Schrute
Ahh-chaa!
Michael Scott
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him.
Pizza guy
I can hear you, man.
Dwight Schrute
Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight Schrute
You had to, what other choice did you have?
Michael Scott
I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight Schrute
Well, yeah.
Michael Scott
Oh my God, oh my God.

Scene 68

18 lines
Michael Scott
This is Michael.
Ryan Howard
Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out.
Michael Scott
You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
Ryan Howard
Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... (Michael hangs up on Ryan)
Michael Scott
(to Dwight) Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.
Dwight Schrute
What will you do?
Michael Scott
I will open the door.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.
Dwight Schrute
So, I'm paying full price?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more.
Michael Scott
See ya, drive safely.
Michael Scott
(pizza guy flips him off) Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Now what?
Michael Scott
Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.
Dwight Schrute
Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas.
Michael Scott
Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.

Scene 69

2 lines
Jim Halpert
A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge.
Pam Beesly
Ah-ha.

Scene 70

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(answers two ringing phones) Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on.
Andy Bernard
(Andy plus two voices on the phone singing) If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me.
Voice #1 on phone
Hey how'd it go?
Voice #2 on phone
Yeah, what'd she say?
Andy Bernard
I don't know yet, I have to call you back.
Voice #1 on phone
You have to give us something...
Andy Bernard
I'll call you back.
Angela Martin
I have to go clean up after the party.

Scene 71

14 lines
Michael Scott
What a horrible day.
Dwight Schrute
Blah.
Michael Scott
Bluh.
Dwight Schrute
Uhh.
Michael Scott
Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
I'm going to get it.
Dwight Schrute
Coopers has calamari.
Michael Scott
Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.
Dwight Schrute
Tokyo?
Michael Scott
New York. Wanna go?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
Alright, you drive.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.

Scene 72

28 lines
Dwight Schrute
Nice.
Michael Scott
Here we go.
Dwight Schrute
Woo-hoo.
Michael Scott
Mmm.
Dwight Schrute
Yum.
Bartender
I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave.
Michael Scott
Hey, you know what? (Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi) Come on, come on, let's go.
Man
Hey, you're the Scranton guy.
Michael Scott
Guilty.
Man
I liked your statement tonight.
Michael Scott
Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.
Man
Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Man
See you later.
Dwight Schrute
Later on.
Michael Scott
(mocking Ryan) I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face.
Dwight Schrute
And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.
Michael Scott
I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.
Dwight Schrute
I started a fire with my cheese pita.
Michael Scott
I made it with my cheese pita.
Dwight Schrute
I date Indian girls.
Michael Scott
I started a fire, I started a fire.
Dwight Schrute
Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss.
Michael Scott
And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...
Dwight Schrute
I don't get that, I don't understand that.
Michael Scott
Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.
Michael Scott
Wanna head back?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, let's go.

Scene 73

1 line
Ryan Howard
(steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks)