Scene 011 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? (everyone groans) Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.
Scene 031 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!
Scene 0412 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? (screen saver box hits the wall)Andy BernardOpen quote: Dah! Come on!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's never gonna happen.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Dude, you gotta believe.Michael ScottOpen quote: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (to Pam) Wait for it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." (screensaver box hits the corner of the screen)EveryoneOpen quote: Oh! Yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: (everyone gets up and leaves the conference room) Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That was so awesome.Michael ScottOpen quote: That was awesome. Thank you.
Scene 0614 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey... there he is.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Haha...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Anyway, I have this Sharpie...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh-huh.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?Jim HalpertOpen quote: MmmHmm...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis) Can you write where I can read it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (whispers) I'll read this when I get home.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright...
Scene 076 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, does he?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He does.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?Michael ScottOpen quote: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
Scene 081 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...
Scene 0917 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Actually it sounds like you are.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Yes, please let us know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.Angela MartinOpen quote: Waste of time.Michael ScottOpen quote: What's that, pipsqueak?Angela MartinOpen quote: Waste of time. The website's going to win.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You believe a computer can beat me?Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't care, but yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well I will prove you wrong.Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't care, and you won't.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We'll see.Angela MartinOpen quote: I won't be watching, and I won't.
Scene 101 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.
Scene 112 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Stanley, you're dancing!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No I'm not.
Scene 122 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.Voice of Thomas DeanOpen quote: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
Scene 131 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun.
Scene 1414 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: And this is where I will record your sales.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.Andy BernardOpen quote: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Or zipadeedoodaah.Andy BernardOpen quote: I can't tell if he's mocking me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just ignore him.Andy BernardOpen quote: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I was... mocking.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes like a chime or a bell...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Or a gong.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes!
Scene 152 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?Angela MartinOpen quote: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?
Scene 161 linePhyllis VanceOpen quote: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. (whispering) So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Scene 1710 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?Angela MartinOpen quote: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.Angela MartinOpen quote: It is awful. You've made this day awful!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.Angela MartinOpen quote: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohh, lunch party.Angela MartinOpen quote: It's supposed to say launch!Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.Angela MartinOpen quote: I care!
Scene 181 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead.
Scene 1914 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Twenty seconds to go time.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Got it. Carb up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really? Power gel?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He's going through a break-up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person.Andy BernardOpen quote: (blowing air horn) Yeah!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What kind of prank are you thinking?
Scene 207 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold.DunMiff/sysOpen quote: (on monitor) Who am I?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (on monitor) You tell me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (dictating to Pam) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.DunMiff/sysOpen quote: (on monitor) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (on monitor) How do I know this isn't Jim?DunMiff/sysOpen quote: (on monitor) What is a Jim?
Scene 211 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Scene 2216 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes it's too tight.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Waaay too tight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: This is why I'm here?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Why is it so tight?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's the European cut.Angela MartinOpen quote: Is just looks bad.Michael ScottOpen quote: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?Tech GuyOpen quote: Setting up the web-cam for the party.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Depends... how much have you eaten already today?Michael ScottOpen quote: I had um, one of those danishes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: You had carbs? That's awful.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan.
Scene 2313 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (on phone) My friends? Michael, I was terminated.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Is it really that important to you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Alright.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Go by yourself.Michael ScottOpen quote: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well...Michael ScottOpen quote: Do I have your permission to invite Carol?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What? No Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.
Scene 249 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ohhhhhh!Andy BernardOpen quote: Website check please.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Three hundred and five.Andy BernardOpen quote: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.Andy BernardOpen quote: You my friend are in a very close second.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Four-oh-two.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve.
Scene 2511 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sure we'll go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh I'm sorry. What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: One of the tickets is for him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just let me know who the winner is.Pam & JimOpen quote: Not it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I won.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Tie goes to the girlfriend.
Scene 2611 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. (hangs up phone)Jim HalpertOpen quote: How's it going?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Fine. Good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You look a little worried.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I do not look worried.DunMiff/sysOpen quote: (on monitor) You do look worried.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (on monitor) Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper.
Scene 275 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.Angela MartinOpen quote: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yes.Angela MartinOpen quote: Goodie.
Scene 286 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey man.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: What's up man?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's going on?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Make a delivery.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Kelly ordered this online.
Scene 2913 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Who knows?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Return it! Return it now!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Who's it?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Here you go.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Thanks.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: So you still missing Ryan?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Not so much anymore.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Mmmmm.
Scene 301 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
Scene 311 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.
Scene 3210 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm driving?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. Thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. (kissing noise, kissing noise) I love ya Pam... okay. (singing) I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?Angela MartinOpen quote: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.Michael ScottOpen quote: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.DunMiff/sysOpen quote: (on monitor) Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?
Scene 336 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?Andy BernardOpen quote: No ! (blows air horn and dances)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Huh?!Angela MartinOpen quote: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you see the board?Angela MartinOpen quote: There's still an hour.
Scene 3428 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You ever read this? (holds up Green Eggs and Ham)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Same sort of stuff in here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmwa. Mmwa.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What was that?Michael ScottOpen quote: Leaving Pennsylvania.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. Two kisses.Michael ScottOpen quote: One for me one for Jan.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Gotcha.Michael ScottOpen quote: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?Jim HalpertOpen quote: That would be fun.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wanna come over Friday?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uhhh. Can't.Michael ScottOpen quote: After work you guys...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmmkay...Michael ScottOpen quote: What are you doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party.Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm sure that's not. Na...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep.
Scene 351 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.
Scene 361 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.
Scene 373 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. I withdrew too.
Scene 3812 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Four! Three! Two! One!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!Andy BernardOpen quote: Woo!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Woo!Andy BernardOpen quote: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.Andy BernardOpen quote: Fifty-two reams!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No no no the first part.Andy BernardOpen quote: Dwight has defeated the computer.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.Angela MartinOpen quote: I didn't ask you to do it for me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You didn't have to.
Scene 391 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?
Scene 405 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Hello, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hello.Angela MartinOpen quote: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um... uh... I'll get back to you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Let me know.
Scene 429 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Alright who wants to party?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why aren't you in New York?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.Michael ScottOpen quote: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?Andy BernardOpen quote: He beat the computer.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.
Scene 431 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.
Scene 4423 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: How we doing on time?Angela MartinOpen quote: The party starts in an hour.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.Angela MartinOpen quote: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmmhmm.Angela MartinOpen quote: Something made of ice?Michael ScottOpen quote: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.Angela MartinOpen quote: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?Michael ScottOpen quote: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important...Angela MartinOpen quote: Chocolates? Someone famous?Michael ScottOpen quote: YesAngela MartinOpen quote: Cool music.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh...Angela MartinOpen quote: Confetti.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want it...Angela MartinOpen quote: Go-Go dancers?Michael ScottOpen quote: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?"Angela MartinOpen quote: I can't do this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes you can.Angela MartinOpen quote: I can't do it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay. Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!
Scene 4513 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: What do you think of Angela?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think she's efficient.Andy BernardOpen quote: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I hadn't noticed.Andy BernardOpen quote: You hadn't noticed she's a woman?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (impatient sigh)Andy BernardOpen quote: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.Andy BernardOpen quote: Isn't that part of the fun?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. I think you should date Kelly.Andy BernardOpen quote: She works here too, how is that any different?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.Andy BernardOpen quote: (raised eyebrows) Okay.
Scene 4616 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Good news.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We get to go home?Michael ScottOpen quote: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?EveryoneOpen quote: (murmurs of approval)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?Michael ScottOpen quote: Same thing.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, no.EveryoneOpen quote: (disagreeing with Michael)Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oscar, talk to him.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?Michael ScottOpen quote: Pizza by Alfredo.EveryoneOpen quote: (shouts of disapproval)Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?EveryoneOpen quote: Medium amount of good pizza.Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighs, walks back into office)
Scene 471 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.
Scene 484 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.Angela MartinOpen quote: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face)Angela MartinOpen quote: Ow!
Scene 506 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. (Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look)Andy BernardOpen quote: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.Andy BernardOpen quote: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?Angela MartinOpen quote: What?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hello.Angela MartinOpen quote: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again.
Scene 511 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
Scene 5227 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Yup.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.Michael ScottOpen quote: You don't have to say it like that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I said it normal.Michael ScottOpen quote: HeyPizza guyOpen quote: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.Pizza guyOpen quote: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.Pizza guyOpen quote: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy.Michael ScottOpen quote: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's not pizza.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.Pizza guyOpen quote: (shrugs)Michael ScottOpen quote: (sarcastic shrugging of shoulders) What do you mean hmm-um?Pizza guyOpen quote: Not my problem.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.Pizza guyOpen quote: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not giving that to you.Pizza guyOpen quote: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out.Pizza guyOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room.Pizza guyOpen quote: I'm not going in there.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you.Pizza guyOpen quote: This is stupid.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here.
Scene 536 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: You find anything?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Why can't you guys do it?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Because we're looking up jail time.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Fine.
Scene 541 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.
Scene 551 linePizza guyOpen quote: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
Scene 5619 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You ready to give me my discount now?Pizza guyOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?Pizza guyOpen quote: What kind of business is this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man.Pizza guyOpen quote: You better think about what you're doing.Michael ScottOpen quote: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?Pizza guyOpen quote: Sales?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales.Pizza guyOpen quote: You're such a loser.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What did you just call him?Pizza guyOpen quote: A loser.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What did you say?Pizza guyOpen quote: A loser.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can make him talk, Michael.EveryoneOpen quote: Michael, MichaelMichael ScottOpen quote: Stop talking all at once!
Scene 5717 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You need to let him go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, but not by kidnapping.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.Jim HalpertOpen quote: As a hostage.Michael ScottOpen quote: I think you're over-thinking it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think you're under-thinking it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ransom.Michael ScottOpen quote: Trouble. Okay, alright.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What did he say?Michael ScottOpen quote: He said no.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So, we should let him go.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 584 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen up kid. (pops balloon with his hands) I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.Angela MartinOpen quote: I have to hang these.Pizza guyOpen quote: Why are you looking at her like that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey!
Scene 594 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: What's going on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.
Scene 6010 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I think it looks good.Angela MartinOpen quote: That's why you're not in charge Meredith.Andy BernardOpen quote: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice.Angela MartinOpen quote: How did you, um, where did you...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor.Angela MartinOpen quote: Will you help me put it over there?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes I will.Angela MartinOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: Excuse me.
Scene 6211 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Thank God.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'll just wave and introduce myself.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm all over it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What have we got here?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Good pizza.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Different stuff.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Which one's this? Perfect.
Scene 638 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And that's when I knew. You?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yep.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, can we make it a different moment?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nope.
Scene 645 linesManagerOpen quote: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.Ryan HowardOpen quote: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that (bleep)hole.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.Pizza guyOpen quote: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.
Scene 655 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Ow! What are you doing?Andy BernardOpen quote: You said your upper back itched.Angela MartinOpen quote: I didn't ask you to scratch it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you.Angela MartinOpen quote: I'm not dating you.
Scene 664 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (smiles)Andy BernardOpen quote: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (kicks open bathroom door) If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!
Scene 6712 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, have you seen Jim?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ahh-chaa!Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him.Pizza guyOpen quote: I can hear you, man.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You had to, what other choice did you have?Michael ScottOpen quote: I could have paid for the pizza.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God, oh my God.
Scene 6818 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This is Michael.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're breaking up. I can't hear you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... (Michael hangs up on Ryan)Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Dwight) Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What will you do?Michael ScottOpen quote: I will open the door.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So, I'm paying full price?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more.Michael ScottOpen quote: See ya, drive safely.Michael ScottOpen quote: (pizza guy flips him off) Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Now what?Michael ScottOpen quote: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas.Michael ScottOpen quote: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.
Scene 692 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ah-ha.
Scene 708 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (answers two ringing phones) Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on.Andy BernardOpen quote: (Andy plus two voices on the phone singing) If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me.Voice #1 on phoneOpen quote: Hey how'd it go?Voice #2 on phoneOpen quote: Yeah, what'd she say?Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't know yet, I have to call you back.Voice #1 on phoneOpen quote: You have to give us something...Andy BernardOpen quote: I'll call you back.Angela MartinOpen quote: I have to go clean up after the party.
Scene 7114 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What a horrible day.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Blah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bluh.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uhh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm going to get it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Coopers has calamari.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Tokyo?Michael ScottOpen quote: New York. Wanna go?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, you drive.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 7228 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Nice.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here we go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Woo-hoo.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yum.BartenderOpen quote: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, you know what? (Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi) Come on, come on, let's go.ManOpen quote: Hey, you're the Scranton guy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Guilty.ManOpen quote: I liked your statement tonight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.ManOpen quote: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.ManOpen quote: See you later.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Later on.Michael ScottOpen quote: (mocking Ryan) I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.Michael ScottOpen quote: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I started a fire with my cheese pita.Michael ScottOpen quote: I made it with my cheese pita.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I date Indian girls.Michael ScottOpen quote: I started a fire, I started a fire.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss.Michael ScottOpen quote: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't get that, I don't understand that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wanna head back?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, let's go.