All Episodes

Season 4 Episode 3
Launch Party

Every line from The Office episode "Launch Party", season 4 episode 3.

Michael Scott: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? (everyone groans) Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.
Jim Halpert: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.
Pam Beesly: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!
Michael Scott: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? (screen saver box hits the wall)
Andy Bernard: Dah! Come on!
Michael Scott: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.
Oscar Martinez: It's never gonna happen.
Kevin Malone: Dude, you gotta believe.
Michael Scott: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) Wait for it.
Michael Scott: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." (screensaver box hits the corner of the screen)
Everyone: Oh! Yes!
Michael Scott: (everyone gets up and leaves the conference room) Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.
Kevin Malone: That was so awesome.
Michael Scott: That was awesome. Thank you.
Michael Scott: Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?
Meredith Palmer: Hey... there he is.
Jim Halpert: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?
Meredith Palmer: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Jim Halpert: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so...
Meredith Palmer: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut.
Jim Halpert: Haha...
Meredith Palmer: Anyway, I have this Sharpie...
Jim Halpert: Uh-huh.
Meredith Palmer: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?
Jim Halpert: MmmHmm...
Meredith Palmer: (lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis) Can you write where I can read it?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah.
Meredith Palmer: (whispers) I'll read this when I get home.
Jim Halpert: Alright...
Pam Beesly: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.
Michael Scott: Oh, does he?
Pam Beesly: He does.
Michael Scott: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?
Michael Scott: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
Michael Scott: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...
Michael Scott: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.
Jim Halpert: Actually it sounds like you are.
Dwight Schrute: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?
Kelly Kapoor: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael Scott: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, please let us know.
Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela Martin: Waste of time.
Michael Scott: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela Martin: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela Martin: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight Schrute: Well I will prove you wrong.
Angela Martin: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight Schrute: We'll see.
Angela Martin: I won't be watching, and I won't.
Pam Beesly: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.
Phyllis Vance: Stanley, you're dancing!
Stanley Hudson: No I'm not.
Ryan Howard: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.
Voice of Thomas Dean: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
Ryan Howard: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun.
Andy Bernard: And this is where I will record your sales.
Dwight Schrute: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.
Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done.
Jim Halpert: Or zipadeedoodaah.
Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
Andy Bernard: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go.
Jim Halpert: I was... mocking.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy Bernard: Yes like a chime or a bell...
Jim Halpert: Or a gong.
Dwight Schrute: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Andy Bernard: Yes!
Kevin Malone: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?
Angela Martin: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?
Phyllis Vance: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. (whispering) So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis Vance: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?
Angela Martin: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis Vance: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.
Angela Martin: It is awful. You've made this day awful!
Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela Martin: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?
Michael Scott: Ohh, lunch party.
Angela Martin: It's supposed to say launch!
Michael Scott: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.
Angela Martin: I care!
Angela Martin: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead.
Andy Bernard: Twenty seconds to go time.
Dwight Schrute: Got it. Carb up.
Jim Halpert: Really? Power gel?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.
Andy Bernard: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!
Dwight Schrute: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?
Dwight Schrute: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: He's going through a break-up.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person.
Andy Bernard: (blowing air horn) Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines.
Pam Beesly: What kind of prank are you thinking?
Dwight Schrute: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold.
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) Who am I?
Dwight Schrute: (on monitor) You tell me.
Jim Halpert: (dictating to Pam) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
Dwight Schrute: (on monitor) How do I know this isn't Jim?
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) What is a Jim?
Dwight Schrute: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Yes it's too tight.
Kelly Kapoor: Waaay too tight.
Michael Scott: Really?
Oscar Martinez: This is why I'm here?
Kelly Kapoor: Why is it so tight?
Michael Scott: It's the European cut.
Angela Martin: Is just looks bad.
Michael Scott: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?
Tech Guy: Setting up the web-cam for the party.
Michael Scott: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
Kelly Kapoor: Depends... how much have you eaten already today?
Michael Scott: I had um, one of those danishes.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Kelly Kapoor: You had carbs? That's awful.
Pam Beesly: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan.
Michael Scott: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) My friends? Michael, I was terminated.
Michael Scott: Just...
Jan Levinson: Is it really that important to you?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jan Levinson: Alright.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jan Levinson: Go by yourself.
Michael Scott: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.
Jan Levinson: Well...
Michael Scott: Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Jan Levinson: What? No Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.
Dwight Schrute: Ohhhhhh!
Andy Bernard: Website check please.
Meredith Palmer: Three hundred and five.
Andy Bernard: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.
Meredith Palmer: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.
Andy Bernard: You my friend are in a very close second.
Meredith Palmer: Four-oh-two.
Andy Bernard: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?
Meredith Palmer: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve.
Michael Scott: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.
Jim Halpert: Sure we'll go.
Michael Scott: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
Jim Halpert: Oh I'm sorry. What?
Pam Beesly: One of the tickets is for him.
Michael Scott: Just let me know who the winner is.
Pam & Jim: Not it.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Pam Beesly: I won.
Jim Halpert: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.
Pam Beesly: Tie goes to the girlfriend.
Dwight Schrute: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. (hangs up phone)
Jim Halpert: How's it going?
Dwight Schrute: Fine. Good.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: You look a little worried.
Dwight Schrute: I do not look worried.
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) You do look worried.
Dwight Schrute: (on monitor) Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read...
Pam Beesly: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper.
Angela Martin: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.
Phyllis Vance: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.
Angela Martin: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?
Phyllis Vance: Yes.
Angela Martin: Goodie.
Jim Halpert: Hey man.
Darryl Philbin: What's up man?
Jim Halpert: What's going on?
Darryl Philbin: Make a delivery.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah?
Darryl Philbin: Kelly ordered this online.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.
Kelly Kapoor: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin."
Dwight Schrute: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl Philbin: Who knows?
Dwight Schrute: Return it! Return it now!
Darryl Philbin: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man.
Dwight Schrute: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Darryl Philbin: Who's it?
Darryl Philbin: Here you go.
Kelly Kapoor: Thanks.
Darryl Philbin: So you still missing Ryan?
Kelly Kapoor: Not so much anymore.
Darryl Philbin: Mmmmm.
Dwight Schrute: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.
Michael Scott: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.
Jim Halpert: I'm driving?
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. (kissing noise, kissing noise) I love ya Pam... okay. (singing) I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?
Angela Martin: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.
Michael Scott: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow.
Dwight Schrute: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?
Dwight Schrute: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?
Andy Bernard: No ! (blows air horn and dances)
Dwight Schrute: Huh?!
Angela Martin: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!
Dwight Schrute: Did you see the board?
Angela Martin: There's still an hour.
Michael Scott: You ever read this? (holds up Green Eggs and Ham)
Jim Halpert: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it.
Michael Scott: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured...
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Same sort of stuff in here.
Jim Halpert: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book.
Michael Scott: Mmwa. Mmwa.
Jim Halpert: What was that?
Michael Scott: Leaving Pennsylvania.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Two kisses.
Michael Scott: One for me one for Jan.
Jim Halpert: Gotcha.
Michael Scott: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?
Jim Halpert: That would be fun.
Michael Scott: Wanna come over Friday?
Jim Halpert: Uhhh. Can't.
Michael Scott: After work you guys...
Jim Halpert: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?
Michael Scott: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So...
Jim Halpert: Mmmkay...
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party.
Michael Scott: No.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Michael Scott: No, I'm sure that's not. Na...
Jim Halpert: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Michael Scott: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.
Michael Scott: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.
Michael Scott: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
Jim Halpert: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I withdrew too.
Andy Bernard: Four! Three! Two! One!
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Andy Bernard: Woo!
Dwight Schrute: Woo!
Andy Bernard: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams.
Dwight Schrute: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.
Andy Bernard: Fifty-two reams!
Dwight Schrute: No no no the first part.
Andy Bernard: Dwight has defeated the computer.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.
Angela Martin: I didn't ask you to do it for me.
Dwight Schrute: You didn't have to.
Angela Martin: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?
Angela Martin: Hello, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hello.
Angela Martin: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Pam Beesly: Um... uh... I'll get back to you.
Angela Martin: Let me know.
DunMiff/sys: (on monitor) You beat me. You are the superior being.
Michael Scott: Alright who wants to party?
Oscar Martinez: Why aren't you in New York?
Michael Scott: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out.
Stanley Hudson: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.
Michael Scott: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?
Andy Bernard: He beat the computer.
Michael Scott: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.
Michael Scott: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.
Michael Scott: How we doing on time?
Angela Martin: The party starts in an hour.
Michael Scott: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.
Angela Martin: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?
Michael Scott: Mmmhmm.
Angela Martin: Something made of ice?
Michael Scott: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
Angela Martin: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?
Michael Scott: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important...
Angela Martin: Chocolates? Someone famous?
Michael Scott: Yes
Angela Martin: Cool music.
Michael Scott: Uh...
Angela Martin: Confetti.
Michael Scott: I want it...
Angela Martin: Go-Go dancers?
Michael Scott: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?"
Angela Martin: I can't do this.
Michael Scott: Yes you can.
Angela Martin: I can't do it.
Michael Scott: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?
Angela Martin: Okay. Okay.
Michael Scott: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!
Andy Bernard: What do you think of Angela?
Dwight Schrute: I think she's efficient.
Andy Bernard: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N.
Dwight Schrute: I hadn't noticed.
Andy Bernard: You hadn't noticed she's a woman?
Dwight Schrute: (impatient sigh)
Andy Bernard: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight Schrute: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy Bernard: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight Schrute: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy Bernard: She works here too, how is that any different?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.
Andy Bernard: (raised eyebrows) Okay.
Michael Scott: Good news.
Stanley Hudson: We get to go home?
Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Everyone: (murmurs of approval)
Kevin Malone: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing.
Kevin Malone: No, no.
Everyone: (disagreeing with Michael)
Michael Scott: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.
Kevin Malone: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo.
Everyone: (shouts of disapproval)
Michael Scott: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
Everyone: Medium amount of good pizza.
Michael Scott: (sighs, walks back into office)
Kevin Malone: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.
Phyllis Vance: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.
Angela Martin: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.
Phyllis Vance: (Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face)
Angela Martin: Ow!
Phyllis Vance: That seemed to shut her up.
Andy Bernard: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. (Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look)
Andy Bernard: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.
Andy Bernard: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?
Angela Martin: What?
Andy Bernard: Hello.
Angela Martin: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again.
Andy Bernard: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
Michael Scott: Yup.
Pam Beesly: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.
Michael Scott: You don't have to say it like that.
Pam Beesly: I said it normal.
Michael Scott: Hey
Pizza guy: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.
Pizza guy: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.
Pizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy.
Michael Scott: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Oscar Martinez: It's not pizza.
Michael Scott: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.
Pizza guy: (shrugs)
Michael Scott: (sarcastic shrugging of shoulders) What do you mean hmm-um?
Pizza guy: Not my problem.
Michael Scott: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.
Pizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott: I'm not giving that to you.
Pizza guy: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas.
Michael Scott: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out.
Pizza guy: What?
Michael Scott: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room.
Pizza guy: I'm not going in there.
Michael Scott: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you.
Pizza guy: This is stupid.
Michael Scott: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here.
Stanley Hudson: You find anything?
Kevin Malone: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.
Oscar Martinez: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?
Stanley Hudson: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar Martinez: Because we're looking up jail time.
Stanley Hudson: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.
Pizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
Michael Scott: You ready to give me my discount now?
Pizza guy: No.
Michael Scott: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Pizza guy: What kind of business is this?
Dwight Schrute: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
Michael Scott: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man.
Pizza guy: You better think about what you're doing.
Michael Scott: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?
Pizza guy: Sales?
Michael Scott: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales.
Pizza guy: You're such a loser.
Dwight Schrute: What did you just call him?
Pizza guy: A loser.
Dwight Schrute: What did you say?
Pizza guy: A loser.
Michael Scott: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.
Dwight Schrute: I can make him talk, Michael.
Everyone: Michael, Michael
Michael Scott: Stop talking all at once!
Jim Halpert: You need to let him go.
Michael Scott: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Michael Scott: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim Halpert: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
Michael Scott: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim Halpert: As a hostage.
Michael Scott: I think you're over-thinking it.
Jim Halpert: I think you're under-thinking it.
Michael Scott: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...
Jim Halpert: Ransom.
Michael Scott: Trouble. Okay, alright.
Jim Halpert: What did he say?
Michael Scott: He said no.
Jim Halpert: So, we should let him go.
Michael Scott: No, no.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Listen up kid. (pops balloon with his hands) I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.
Angela Martin: I have to hang these.
Pizza guy: Why are you looking at her like that?
Dwight Schrute: Hey!
Kevin Malone: What's going on?
Jim Halpert: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.
Michael Scott: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?
Kevin Malone: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.
Angela Martin: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour.
Meredith Palmer: I think it looks good.
Angela Martin: That's why you're not in charge Meredith.
Andy Bernard: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice.
Angela Martin: How did you, um, where did you...
Dwight Schrute: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor.
Angela Martin: Will you help me put it over there?
Andy Bernard: Yes I will.
Angela Martin: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Excuse me.
Andy Bernard: I stole it!
Oscar Martinez: Thank God.
Pam Beesly: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself.
Michael Scott: I'll just wave and introduce myself.
Jim Halpert: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?
Pam Beesly: I'm all over it.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Jim Halpert: What have we got here?
Kevin Malone: Good pizza.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?
Kevin Malone: Different stuff.
Jim Halpert: Which one's this? Perfect.
Jim Halpert: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight.
Jim Halpert: And that's when I knew. You?
Pam Beesly: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.
Jim Halpert: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam Beesly: Yep.
Jim Halpert: Wow, can we make it a different moment?
Pam Beesly: Nope.
Manager: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.
Ryan Howard: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that (bleep)hole.
Ryan Howard: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.
Pizza guy: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.
Angela Martin: Ow! What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: You said your upper back itched.
Angela Martin: I didn't ask you to scratch it.
Andy Bernard: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you.
Angela Martin: I'm not dating you.
Andy Bernard: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.
Dwight Schrute: (smiles)
Andy Bernard: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down.
Dwight Schrute: (kicks open bathroom door) If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!
Michael Scott: Hey, have you seen Jim?
Kevin Malone: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.
Dwight Schrute: Ahh-chaa!
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him.
Pizza guy: I can hear you, man.
Dwight Schrute: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight Schrute: You had to, what other choice did you have?
Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight Schrute: Well, yeah.
Michael Scott: Oh my God, oh my God.
Michael Scott: This is Michael.
Ryan Howard: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out.
Michael Scott: You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
Ryan Howard: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... (Michael hangs up on Ryan)
Michael Scott: (to Dwight) Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.
Dwight Schrute: What will you do?
Michael Scott: I will open the door.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.
Dwight Schrute: So, I'm paying full price?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more.
Michael Scott: See ya, drive safely.
Michael Scott: (pizza guy flips him off) Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Now what?
Michael Scott: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas.
Michael Scott: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.
Jim Halpert: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge.
Pam Beesly: Ah-ha.
Andy Bernard: (answers two ringing phones) Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on.
Andy Bernard: (Andy plus two voices on the phone singing) If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me.
Voice #1 on phone: Hey how'd it go?
Voice #2 on phone: Yeah, what'd she say?
Andy Bernard: I don't know yet, I have to call you back.
Voice #1 on phone: You have to give us something...
Andy Bernard: I'll call you back.
Angela Martin: I have to go clean up after the party.
Michael Scott: What a horrible day.
Dwight Schrute: Blah.
Michael Scott: Bluh.
Dwight Schrute: Uhh.
Michael Scott: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: I'm going to get it.
Dwight Schrute: Coopers has calamari.
Michael Scott: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.
Dwight Schrute: Tokyo?
Michael Scott: New York. Wanna go?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Alright, you drive.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Nice.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Dwight Schrute: Woo-hoo.
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Dwight Schrute: Yum.
Bartender: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? (Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi) Come on, come on, let's go.
Man: Hey, you're the Scranton guy.
Michael Scott: Guilty.
Man: I liked your statement tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.
Man: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Man: See you later.
Dwight Schrute: Later on.
Michael Scott: (mocking Ryan) I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face.
Dwight Schrute: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.
Michael Scott: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.
Dwight Schrute: I started a fire with my cheese pita.
Michael Scott: I made it with my cheese pita.
Dwight Schrute: I date Indian girls.
Michael Scott: I started a fire, I started a fire.
Dwight Schrute: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...
Dwight Schrute: I don't get that, I don't understand that.
Michael Scott: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.
Michael Scott: Wanna head back?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, let's go.
Ryan Howard: (steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 4. Launch Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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