Every line from The Office episode "Money", season 4 episode 4.
Michael Scott: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.
Michael Scott: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Jan Levinson: Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too.
Michael Scott: We already have a sofa. So why do---
Jan Levinson: A futon's not a sofa.
Michael Scott: It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.
Jan Levinson: I know what a futon is, Michael.
Michael Scott: I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Jan Levinson: It costs what it costs.
Michael Scott: No--- don't... that doesn't even mean anything.
Jan Levinson: We have gone through this.
Michael Scott: It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs--- (phone rings)
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Jan Levinson: Conniving little runt. Put him through.
Michael Scott: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!
Ryan Howard: (on the phone) I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.
Michael Scott: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.
Ryan Howard: I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.
Ryan Howard: Hold on, I'll get them on the phone.
Michael Scott: (looking at nothing) Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.
Kevin Malone: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?
Michael Scott: You can not, I have a thing tonight.
Jim Halpert: Uh, Michael.
Jim Halpert: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh no, I have a thing tonight.
Michael Scott: How about this weekend?
Pam Beesly: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Michael Scott: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.
Jim Halpert: Where are you going out tonight?
Michael Scott: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
Jim Halpert: I wouldn't understand or a secret?
Pam Beesly: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.
Michael Scott: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanley Hudson: (on the phone) Yes, who is this?
Michael Scott: I'm just calling because you responded positively to the---
Michael Scott: ...Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: (Spanish accent) Senor, are you happy with your---
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: (speaking with a different voice) Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? (Michael hands up)
Nick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation.
Michael Scott: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes---
Nick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
Michael Scott: It is not a waste of our time.
Nick: This is a trading game.
Nick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael Scott: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Nick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night.
Michael Scott: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
Michael Scott: You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
Co-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. (other co-workers agree)
Michael Scott: I actually wrote a movie.
Michael Scott: I'm writing one, yeah.
Co-Worker 3: What's it about?
Michael Scott: Um, sort of a spy, thriller...
Nick: What's so captivating? (everyone stops talking, go back to work) I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking.
Pam Beesly: (Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying) Ugh, your turn.
Dwight Schrute: (Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops) Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim Halpert: Does Mose have nightmares?
Jim Halpert: Oh yes. Ever since the storm.
Dwight Schrute: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim Halpert: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim Halpert: Good night, Dwight. (Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying)
Co-Worker 2: Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?
Co-Worker 3: We'd love for you to come, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.
Co-Worker 2: All right, next time dude.
Michael Scott: Okay, see you guys. (Sees Jan) Hey, how you doin'?
Jan Levinson: You drive, I had too much wine.
Michael Scott: Okay. How's yoga?
Jan Levinson: I didn't go.
Michael Scott: Wh-Why not?
Jan Levinson: I just didn't!
Jan Levinson: How was improv?
Michael Scott: Good night Vikram.
Michael Scott: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm gonna have it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
Michael Scott: Good night.
Michael Scott: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register--- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes.
Ryan Howard: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?
Ryan Howard: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?
Michael Scott: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.
Ryan Howard: I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
Ryan Howard: You have another job?
Michael Scott: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.
Jim Halpert: Are you a cocktail waitress?
Ryan Howard: You can not have another job if it affects your work here.
Ryan Howard: It did, all ready.
Michael Scott: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. (Kelly laughs)
Kelly Kapoor: You're so funny.
Ryan Howard: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.
Kelly Kapoor: I invited him.
Ryan Howard: It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need.
Darryl Philbin: There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay. (makes out with Darryl)
Darryl Philbin: Hey, get off.
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, see you later tonight.
Darryl Philbin: I have plans later.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, bye honey.
Ryan Howard: How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Michael Scott: Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?
Ryan Howard: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: Huh, okay.
Michael Scott: It's whoever, not whomever.
Ryan Howard: No, it's whomever.
Michael Scott: No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: No, sometimes its right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, that sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley Hudson: How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used me an object.
Stanley Hudson: Is he right about that?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
Ryan Howard: Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here.
Andy Bernard: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
Pam Beesly: You're being gross.
Andy Bernard: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Andy Bernard: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe that's not working.
Pam Beesly: Um, I don't know if I really see you two together.
Andy Bernard: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam Beesly: She's very religious.
Andy Bernard: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses.
Pam Beesly: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam Beesly: That's right, you did.
Michael Scott: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.
Kevin Malone: I do gamble Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?
Michael Scott: Do you know anybody in the mob?
Kevin Malone: (shakes head no)
Michael Scott: Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.
Phyllis Vance: He's always been terrible with money.
Stanley Hudson: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, women be shoppin'.
Meredith Palmer: I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar Martinez: He's not even good at his first one.
Michael Scott: What'cha talking about? (camera pans to each face in the break room) Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think---
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott: Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar Martinez: You heard me correctly.
Michael Scott: Oh, I hate monkeys.
Pam Beesly: What's going on, why do you have a second job?
Michael Scott: I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
Pam Beesly: Doesn't Jan have money?
Michael Scott: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual.
Kevin Malone: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
Michael Scott: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? (Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket)
Oscar & Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.
Oscar Martinez: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell me about it.
Michael Scott: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar Martinez: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.
Oscar Martinez: Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?
Michael Scott: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy.
Michael Scott: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.
Oscar Martinez: She has to know.
Michael Scott: We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael Scott: You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
Oscar Martinez: I'm done!
Michael Scott: No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.
Oscar Martinez: Jan is smart.
Michael Scott: She poses.
Oscar Martinez: So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) You're broke?
Michael Scott: Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Yeah, what?
Oscar Martinez: Michael left.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Okay, where did he go?
Oscar Martinez: I don't know.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Well, is he coming right back?
Oscar Martinez: I don't think so.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) I'll be right there.
Dwight Schrute: Uhh-mmm (moaning)
Jim Halpert: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight Schrute: (incoherent mumbling) No you didn't.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm-uh-mm (incoherent mumbling)
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you.
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away)
Michael Scott: (singing) Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back.
Jan Levinson: What's going on?
Michael Scott: Not much, what's up with you?
Jan Levinson: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?
Michael Scott: I'm out of answers Jan.
Jan Levinson: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Jan Levinson: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that.
Michael Scott: I don't know that.
Jan Levinson: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.
Michael Scott: I'll stay off the grid.
Jan Levinson: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up.
Jan Levinson: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
Michael Scott: That's really nice of you to say.
Jan Levinson: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?
Michael Scott: I think the engineer left.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 4. Money is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.