Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Money

Vol. 4 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Michael Scott learns that simply shouting his financial problems into the void doesn't actually make them go away. While he's busy working a secret second job, Jim and Pam head out for a very strange stay at Schrute Farms. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including the legendary debate over the correct use of the word whomever.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Coat! (throws coat at Pam)

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Steak! Where's my steeaaak?

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.

Scene 05

5 lines
Michael Scott
Get me Armani.
Pam Beesly
A suit?
Michael Scott
On the phone.
Pam Beesly
Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information.
Michael Scott
Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. (breaks into laughter)

Scene 06

5 lines
Michael Scott
I owe you an apology.
Pam Beesly
You finished the movie.
Michael Scott
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam Beesly
No. Go ahead.
Michael Scott
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me.

Scene 08

12 lines
Michael Scott
So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.
Jan Levinson
You do.
Michael Scott
I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Jan Levinson
Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too.
Michael Scott
We already have a sofa. So why do---
Jan Levinson
A futon's not a sofa.
Michael Scott
It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.
Jan Levinson
I know what a futon is, Michael.
Michael Scott
I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Jan Levinson
It costs what it costs.
Michael Scott
No--- don't... that doesn't even mean anything.
Jan Levinson
We have gone through this.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.

Scene 10

10 lines
Michael Scott
It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs--- (phone rings)
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Jan Levinson
Conniving little runt. Put him through.
Michael Scott
Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!
Ryan Howard
(on the phone) I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.
Michael Scott
Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.
Ryan Howard
I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.
Michael Scott
Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.
Ryan Howard
Hold on, I'll get them on the phone.
Michael Scott
(looking at nothing) Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.

Scene 11

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(talking on phone) Sure, I can hold.
Dwight Schrute
(picks up phone) Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. (opens book, then picks up phone) Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!
Jim Halpert
Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
None of your business, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Do you run the bed and breakfest?
Dwight Schrute
It is not a B and B.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.

Scene 13

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight Schrute
I'm not telling you anything. (lookings into the camera) Permits are pending. (phone rings) Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam Beesly
Hello, I'm looking for a room.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.
Pam Beesly
It says here you cater to the eldery.
Dwight Schrute
Where did you read that?
Pam Beesly
Trip Advsior.

Scene 14

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Scene 15

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
How many in your party?
Pam Beesly
Two?
Dwight Schrute
We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?

Scene 16

3 lines
Jan Levinson
So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott
Oh! Um, actually, I need the car.
Jan Levinson
Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.

Scene 18

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.
Angela Martin
What about my cherub figurine?
Dwight Schrute
You took that with you.
Angela Martin
No I left it on my night table--- your night table, by the lamp.
Dwight Schrute
You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.
Angela Martin
Fine.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Scene 20

17 lines
Kevin Malone
The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?
Michael Scott
You can not, I have a thing tonight.
Kevin Malone
Dammit.
Jim Halpert
Uh, Michael.
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Michael Scott
Oh no, I have a thing tonight.
Jim Halpert
Darn it!
Pam Beesly
Shoot!
Michael Scott
How about this weekend?
Jim Halpert
No, can't.
Pam Beesly
We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Michael Scott
Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.
Jim Halpert
Where are you going out tonight?
Michael Scott
You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
Jim Halpert
I wouldn't understand or a secret?
Pam Beesly
You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will--(notices camera)-- it will be that easy.

Scene 22

7 lines
Jim Halpert
I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow.
Pam Beesly
The Beets Motel.
Jim Halpert
The Beets Motel? That is, wow.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!
Jim Halpert
How are you doing this?
Pam Beesly
I don't know! (Mose starts running by the left side of the car)
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh.

Scene 23

5 lines
Michael Scott
I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing.
Nick
What's going on here?
Michael Scott
Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call.
Nick
We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision---
Michael Scott
No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!

Scene 24

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam Beesly
What are the themes?
Dwight Schrute
American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.
Pam Beesly
Irrigation.
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Dwight Schrute
I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?
Jim Halpert
Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight Schrute
No. Jim, come on.
Mose
But you promised.
Dwight Schrute
Mose, bags! Now!

Scene 25

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.

Scene 26

2 lines
Nick
Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes.
Michael Scott
These meetings are useless.

Scene 27

6 lines
Nick
I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?
Michael Scott
Very inspirational. (laughter)
Nick
We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok.
Co-Worker 1
Or a woman.
Michael Scott
Or a trained seal. (laughter)
Nick
You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? (laughter ends)

Scene 28

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight.

Scene 29

2 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less.
Dwight Schrute
Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the--- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanley Hudson
(on the phone) Yes, who is this?
Michael Scott
I'm just calling because you responded positively to the---
Stanley Hudson
Michael?
Michael Scott
...Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott
(Spanish accent) Senor, are you happy with your---
Stanley Hudson
Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott
(speaking with a different voice) Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley Hudson
Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? (Michael hands up)

Scene 31

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(on the phone) When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

Scene 32

3 lines
Michael Scott
Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly.
Nick
(hangs up phone) My office.
Michael Scott
You bet.

Scene 33

10 lines
Nick
Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation.
Michael Scott
Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes---
Nick
A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
Michael Scott
It is not a waste of our time.
Nick
This is a trading game.
Michael Scott
No.
Nick
You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael Scott
Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Nick
Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night.
Michael Scott
Well, I hope this conversation has helped.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose) And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. "Harry?" It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.

Scene 35

7 lines
Michael Scott
What did you get tonight?
Vikram
Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice.
Michael Scott
Oh, that looks good.
Vikram
Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?
Michael Scott
I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Vikram
Enjoy.
Michael Scott
Thank you.

Scene 36

8 lines
Vikram
I was a surgeon back home.
Michael Scott
Really?
Vikram
Oh yeah.
Michael Scott
Wonder what I would've been back home?
Vikram
Well this is your home.
Michael Scott
I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
Vikram
Uhh, no.
Michael Scott
I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.

Scene 37

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Jim and Pam hear noise) Wait, you're going up there?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Coward.

Scene 38

1 line
Pam Beesly
(Pam sees Mose in an outhouse) Oh my God. What century is this?

Scene 39

8 lines
Michael Scott
You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
Co-Worker 2
Dude, you should review movies. (other co-workers agree)
Michael Scott
I actually wrote a movie.
Co-Worker 3
Really?
Michael Scott
I'm writing one, yeah.
Co-Worker 3
What's it about?
Michael Scott
Um, sort of a spy, thriller...
Nick
What's so captivating? (everyone stops talking, go back to work) I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking.

Scene 40

12 lines
Pam Beesly
(Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying) Ugh, your turn.
Dwight Schrute
(Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops) Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim Halpert
Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim Halpert
Does Mose have nightmares?
Jim Halpert
Oh yes. Ever since the storm.
Dwight Schrute
Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Great.
Jim Halpert
Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim Halpert
Good night, Dwight. (Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying)

Scene 41

20 lines
Co-Worker 2
Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?
Co-Worker 3
We'd love for you to come, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.
Co-Worker 2
All right, next time dude.
Michael Scott
Okay, see you guys. (Sees Jan) Hey, how you doin'?
Jan Levinson
You drive, I had too much wine.
Michael Scott
Okay. How's yoga?
Jan Levinson
I didn't go.
Michael Scott
Wh-Why not?
Jan Levinson
I just didn't!
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jan Levinson
How was improv?
Michael Scott
Good night Vikram.
Vikram
Good night.
Michael Scott
Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram
Thank you Michael.
Michael Scott
I'm gonna have it one of these nights.
Vikram
Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
Michael Scott
Good night.
Vikram
Good night.

Scene 42

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you?
Dwight Schrute
Pam.
Jim Halpert
You okay?
Dwight Schrute
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. (Ryan walks in)
Ryan Howard
Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'?

Scene 43

4 lines
Ryan Howard
Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?
Michael Scott
Um... that wasn't much of an introduction.
Ryan Howard
Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!

Scene 44

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.

Scene 45

53 lines
Michael Scott
And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register--- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes.
Ryan Howard
Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?
Michael Scott
Why?
Ryan Howard
You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?
Michael Scott
No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.
Ryan Howard
I'm your boss.
Michael Scott
My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
Ryan Howard
You have another job?
Michael Scott
What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.
Jim Halpert
Are you a cocktail waitress?
Ryan Howard
You can not have another job if it affects your work here.
Michael Scott
It won't.
Ryan Howard
It did, all ready.
Michael Scott
Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. (Kelly laughs)
Kelly Kapoor
You're so funny.
Ryan Howard
Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.
Kelly Kapoor
I invited him.
Ryan Howard
It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need.
Darryl Philbin
There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay. (makes out with Darryl)
Darryl Philbin
Hey, get off.
Kelly Kapoor
Umm, see you later tonight.
Darryl Philbin
I have plans later.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, bye honey.
Ryan Howard
How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Michael Scott
Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?
Ryan Howard
You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott
Huh, okay.
Ryan Howard
What?
Michael Scott
It's whoever, not whomever.
Ryan Howard
No, it's whomever.
Michael Scott
No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim Halpert
No, sometimes its right.
Creed Bratton
Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard
No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez
Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott
Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone
I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard
Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone
I don't know.
Pam Beesly
It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, that sounds right.
Michael Scott
Well it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley Hudson
How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan Howard
As an object.
Kelly Kapoor
Ryan used me an object.
Stanley Hudson
Is he right about that?
Pam Beesly
How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson
It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Toby Flenderson
To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott
No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
Ryan Howard
Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.

Scene 47

8 lines
Michael Scott
Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company---
Mr. Figaro
Lipophedrine
Michael Scott
And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
Mr. Figaro
Never heard of it.
Michael Scott
In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this.
Mr. Figaro
Are you quitting?
Michael Scott
I am.
Mr. Figaro
Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset.

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.

Scene 49

17 lines
Andy Bernard
So.
Pam Beesly
What's up?
Andy Bernard
Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
Pam Beesly
You're being gross.
Andy Bernard
Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam Beesly
What moves?
Andy Bernard
I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Pam Beesly
I can't believe that's not working.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Um, I don't know if I really see you two together.
Andy Bernard
Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam Beesly
She's very religious.
Andy Bernard
Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses.
Pam Beesly
Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam Beesly
That's right, you did.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.

Scene 50

1 line
Pam Beesly
Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy.

Scene 51

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.
Kevin Malone
I do gamble Michael.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?
Kevin Malone
The mob.
Michael Scott
Do you know anybody in the mob?
Kevin Malone
(shakes head no)
Michael Scott
Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.

Scene 52

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
What do you mean you have plans tonight?
Darryl Philbin
I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me.
Darryl Philbin
My daughter.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, I see how it is. (pushes a stack of files onto the floor) Oops.
Darryl Philbin
That was cold.
Kelly Kapoor
(makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat)

Scene 53

22 lines
Phyllis Vance
He's always been terrible with money.
Stanley Hudson
I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, women be shoppin'.
Meredith Palmer
I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar Martinez
He's not even good at his first one.
Michael Scott
Hey guys.
Kevin Malone
Shh.
Michael Scott
What'cha talking about? (camera pans to each face in the break room) Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think---
Pam Beesly
Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott
Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar Martinez
You heard me correctly.
Michael Scott
Oh, I hate monkeys.
Pam Beesly
What's going on, why do you have a second job?
Michael Scott
I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
Pam Beesly
Doesn't Jan have money?
Michael Scott
I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual.
Kevin Malone
True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
Michael Scott
I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? (Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket)
Oscar & Stanley
You just put it back in your pocket.
Michael Scott
Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.

Scene 54

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Hey, let's call this what it is.

Scene 55

1 line
Darryl Philbin
It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

Scene 56

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course.
Kelly Kapoor
Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire---
Darryl Philbin
Slow down, think it over.

Scene 57

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

Scene 58

3 lines
Creed Bratton
Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems.
Michael Scott
No you didn't.
Creed Bratton
Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.

Scene 59

1 line
Creed Bratton
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.

Scene 60

7 lines
Michael Scott
How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed Bratton
You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up "get out of jail free" cards, those things cost thousands.
Michael Scott
That is a good point.
Creed Bratton
Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.
Michael Scott
Like the witness protection program.
Creed Bratton
Exactly.
Oscar Martinez
Not at all.

Scene 61

1 line
Michael Scott
I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life.

Scene 62

1 line
Michael Scott
I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!

Scene 63

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott
I didn't say it, I declared it.
Oscar Martinez
Still, that's not anything.

Scene 64

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oscar Martinez
Mmm.
Michael Scott
You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon.
Michael Scott
Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.
Oscar Martinez
Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?
Michael Scott
That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core.

Scene 65

1 line
Andy Bernard
I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game.

Scene 66

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house.
Michael Scott
Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Oscar Martinez
The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that.
Michael Scott
Right.
Oscar Martinez
This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
Michael Scott
How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?

Scene 67

1 line
Pam Beesly
Man, Angela really had a hold on him. (Dwight playing the recorder in the background) Angela.

Scene 68

10 lines
Oscar Martinez
Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy.
Michael Scott
No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.
Oscar Martinez
She has to know.
Michael Scott
We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael Scott
You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
Oscar Martinez
I'm done!
Michael Scott
No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.
Oscar Martinez
Jan is smart.
Michael Scott
She poses.

Scene 69

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight Schrute
Stupid.
Jim Halpert
Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Maybe you should.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you should. Whatever.

Scene 70

5 lines
Pam Beesly
We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times.
Jim Halpert
The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings.
Pam Beesly
Table making never seemed so possible.
Jim Halpert
You will never want to leave your room.
Pam Beesly
The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.

Scene 71

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.
Pam Beesly
We really did. It was fun.

Scene 72

12 lines
Oscar Martinez
So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) You're broke?
Michael Scott
Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say.
Oscar Martinez
Jan.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Yeah, what?
Oscar Martinez
Michael left.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Okay, where did he go?
Oscar Martinez
I don't know.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) Well, is he coming right back?
Oscar Martinez
I don't think so.
Jan Levinson
(on phone) I'll be right there.

Scene 73

1 line
Michael Scott
What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

Scene 74

1 line
Angela Martin
(to Andy) You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood.

Scene 75

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dwight.

Scene 76

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Uhh-mmm (moaning)
Jim Halpert
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight Schrute
(incoherent mumbling) No you didn't.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight Schrute
Mmm-uh-mm (incoherent mumbling)
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you.
Dwight Schrute
(sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away)

Scene 77

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, I was thinking about dinner--- (Jim grabs her face and kisses her)
Jim Halpert
Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 78

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.

Scene 79

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food.

Scene 80

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
Jan, he went running that way.
Jan Levinson
Alright. (throws her keys at Oscar)

Scene 81

19 lines
Michael Scott
(singing) Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey Jan.
Jan Levinson
What's going on?
Michael Scott
Not much, what's up with you?
Jan Levinson
Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?
Michael Scott
I'm out of answers Jan.
Jan Levinson
What does that mean?
Michael Scott
I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Jan Levinson
Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that.
Michael Scott
I don't know that.
Jan Levinson
Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.
Michael Scott
I'll stay off the grid.
Jan Levinson
Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad.
Michael Scott
Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up.
Jan Levinson
Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
Michael Scott
That's really nice of you to say.
Jan Levinson
Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?
Michael Scott
I think the engineer left.

Scene 82

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor) Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.

Scene 83

5 lines
Michael Scott
Don't sell your implants please.
Jan Levinson
I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though.
Michael Scott
That's nice though.
Jan Levinson
It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now.
Michael Scott
It looks cute though.