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Season 4 Episode 4

Every line from The Office episode "Money", season 4 episode 4.

Michael Scott: Coat! (throws coat at Pam)
Pam Beesly: Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
Michael Scott: Steak! Where's my steeaaak?
Pam Beesly: He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Michael Scott: Get me Armani.
Pam Beesly: A suit?
Michael Scott: On the phone.
Pam Beesly: Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information.
Michael Scott: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. (breaks into laughter)
Michael Scott: I owe you an apology.
Pam Beesly: You finished the movie.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam Beesly: No. Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.
Pam Beesly: Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me.
Michael Scott: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.
Jan Levinson: You do.
Michael Scott: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Jan Levinson: Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too.
Michael Scott: We already have a sofa. So why do---
Jan Levinson: A futon's not a sofa.
Michael Scott: It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.
Jan Levinson: I know what a futon is, Michael.
Michael Scott: I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Jan Levinson: It costs what it costs.
Michael Scott: No--- don't... that doesn't even mean anything.
Jan Levinson: We have gone through this.
Michael Scott: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.
Michael Scott: It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs--- (phone rings)
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Jan Levinson: Conniving little runt. Put him through.
Michael Scott: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!
Ryan Howard: (on the phone) I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.
Michael Scott: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.
Ryan Howard: I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.
Ryan Howard: Hold on, I'll get them on the phone.
Michael Scott: (looking at nothing) Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.
Jim Halpert: (talking on phone) Sure, I can hold.
Dwight Schrute: (picks up phone) Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. (opens book, then picks up phone) Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!
Jim Halpert: Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Do you run the bed and breakfest?
Dwight Schrute: It is not a B and B.
Dwight Schrute: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.
Jim Halpert: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not telling you anything. (lookings into the camera) Permits are pending. (phone rings) Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam Beesly: Hello, I'm looking for a room.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.
Pam Beesly: It says here you cater to the eldery.
Dwight Schrute: Where did you read that?
Pam Beesly: Trip Advsior.
Dwight Schrute: Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.
Dwight Schrute: How many in your party?
Pam Beesly: Two?
Dwight Schrute: We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?
Jan Levinson: So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh! Um, actually, I need the car.
Jan Levinson: Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?
Michael Scott: Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.
Dwight Schrute: One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.
Angela Martin: What about my cherub figurine?
Dwight Schrute: You took that with you.
Angela Martin: No I left it on my night table--- your night table, by the lamp.
Dwight Schrute: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.
Angela Martin: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.
Kevin Malone: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?
Michael Scott: You can not, I have a thing tonight.
Kevin Malone: Dammit.
Jim Halpert: Uh, Michael.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh no, I have a thing tonight.
Jim Halpert: Darn it!
Pam Beesly: Shoot!
Michael Scott: How about this weekend?
Jim Halpert: No, can't.
Pam Beesly: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Michael Scott: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.
Jim Halpert: Where are you going out tonight?
Michael Scott: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
Jim Halpert: I wouldn't understand or a secret?
Pam Beesly: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will--(notices camera)-- it will be that easy.
Jim Halpert: I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow.
Pam Beesly: The Beets Motel.
Jim Halpert: The Beets Motel? That is, wow.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!
Jim Halpert: How are you doing this?
Pam Beesly: I don't know! (Mose starts running by the left side of the car)
Pam Beesly: Oh my gosh.
Michael Scott: I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing.
Nick: What's going on here?
Michael Scott: Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call.
Nick: We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision---
Michael Scott: No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!
Dwight Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam Beesly: What are the themes?
Dwight Schrute: American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.
Pam Beesly: Irrigation.
Jim Halpert: Nice.
Dwight Schrute: I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?
Jim Halpert: Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight Schrute: No. Jim, come on.
Mose: But you promised.
Dwight Schrute: Mose, bags! Now!
Dwight Schrute: Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.
Nick: Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes.
Michael Scott: These meetings are useless.
Nick: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?
Michael Scott: Very inspirational. (laughter)
Nick: We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok.
Co-Worker 1: Or a woman.
Michael Scott: Or a trained seal. (laughter)
Nick: You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? (laughter ends)
Jim Halpert: Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight.
Jim Halpert: You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less.
Dwight Schrute: Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the--- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!
Michael Scott: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanley Hudson: (on the phone) Yes, who is this?
Michael Scott: I'm just calling because you responded positively to the---
Stanley Hudson: Michael?
Michael Scott: ...Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: (Spanish accent) Senor, are you happy with your---
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: (speaking with a different voice) Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? (Michael hands up)
Stanley Hudson: (on the phone) When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly.
Nick: (hangs up phone) My office.
Michael Scott: You bet.
Nick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation.
Michael Scott: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes---
Nick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
Michael Scott: It is not a waste of our time.
Nick: This is a trading game.
Michael Scott: No.
Nick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael Scott: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Nick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night.
Michael Scott: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
Dwight Schrute: (reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose) And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. "Harry?" It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.
Michael Scott: What did you get tonight?
Vikram: Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice.
Michael Scott: Oh, that looks good.
Vikram: Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?
Michael Scott: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Vikram: Enjoy.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Vikram: I was a surgeon back home.
Michael Scott: Really?
Vikram: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: Wonder what I would've been back home?
Vikram: Well this is your home.
Michael Scott: I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
Vikram: Uhh, no.
Michael Scott: I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.
Jim Halpert: (Jim and Pam hear noise) Wait, you're going up there?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Coward.
Pam Beesly: (Pam sees Mose in an outhouse) Oh my God. What century is this?
Michael Scott: You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
Co-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. (other co-workers agree)
Michael Scott: I actually wrote a movie.
Co-Worker 3: Really?
Michael Scott: I'm writing one, yeah.
Co-Worker 3: What's it about?
Michael Scott: Um, sort of a spy, thriller...
Nick: What's so captivating? (everyone stops talking, go back to work) I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking.
Pam Beesly: (Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying) Ugh, your turn.
Dwight Schrute: (Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops) Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim Halpert: Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim Halpert: Does Mose have nightmares?
Jim Halpert: Oh yes. Ever since the storm.
Dwight Schrute: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Great.
Jim Halpert: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim Halpert: Good night, Dwight. (Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying)
Co-Worker 2: Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?
Co-Worker 3: We'd love for you to come, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.
Co-Worker 2: All right, next time dude.
Michael Scott: Okay, see you guys. (Sees Jan) Hey, how you doin'?
Jan Levinson: You drive, I had too much wine.
Michael Scott: Okay. How's yoga?
Jan Levinson: I didn't go.
Michael Scott: Wh-Why not?
Jan Levinson: I just didn't!
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jan Levinson: How was improv?
Michael Scott: Good night Vikram.
Vikram: Good night.
Michael Scott: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm gonna have it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
Michael Scott: Good night.
Vikram: Good night.
Pam Beesly: Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you?
Dwight Schrute: Pam.
Jim Halpert: You okay?
Dwight Schrute: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. (Ryan walks in)
Ryan Howard: Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'?
Ryan Howard: Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?
Michael Scott: Um... that wasn't much of an introduction.
Ryan Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!
Michael Scott: Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.
Michael Scott: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register--- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes.
Ryan Howard: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?
Michael Scott: Why?
Ryan Howard: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?
Michael Scott: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.
Ryan Howard: I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
Ryan Howard: You have another job?
Michael Scott: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.
Jim Halpert: Are you a cocktail waitress?
Ryan Howard: You can not have another job if it affects your work here.
Michael Scott: It won't.
Ryan Howard: It did, all ready.
Michael Scott: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. (Kelly laughs)
Kelly Kapoor: You're so funny.
Ryan Howard: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.
Kelly Kapoor: I invited him.
Ryan Howard: It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need.
Darryl Philbin: There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay. (makes out with Darryl)
Darryl Philbin: Hey, get off.
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, see you later tonight.
Darryl Philbin: I have plans later.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, bye honey.
Ryan Howard: How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Michael Scott: Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?
Ryan Howard: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: Huh, okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's whoever, not whomever.
Ryan Howard: No, it's whomever.
Michael Scott: No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: No, sometimes its right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, that sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley Hudson: How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used me an object.
Stanley Hudson: Is he right about that?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
Ryan Howard: Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here.
Michael Scott: I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.
Michael Scott: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company---
Mr. Figaro: Lipophedrine
Michael Scott: And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
Mr. Figaro: Never heard of it.
Michael Scott: In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this.
Mr. Figaro: Are you quitting?
Michael Scott: I am.
Mr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset.
Michael Scott: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.
Andy Bernard: So.
Pam Beesly: What's up?
Andy Bernard: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
Pam Beesly: You're being gross.
Andy Bernard: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam Beesly: What moves?
Andy Bernard: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe that's not working.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Um, I don't know if I really see you two together.
Andy Bernard: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam Beesly: She's very religious.
Andy Bernard: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses.
Pam Beesly: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam Beesly: That's right, you did.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy.
Michael Scott: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.
Kevin Malone: I do gamble Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?
Kevin Malone: The mob.
Michael Scott: Do you know anybody in the mob?
Kevin Malone: (shakes head no)
Michael Scott: Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.
Kelly Kapoor: What do you mean you have plans tonight?
Darryl Philbin: I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me.
Darryl Philbin: My daughter.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, I see how it is. (pushes a stack of files onto the floor) Oops.
Darryl Philbin: That was cold.
Kelly Kapoor: (makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat)
Phyllis Vance: He's always been terrible with money.
Stanley Hudson: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, women be shoppin'.
Meredith Palmer: I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar Martinez: He's not even good at his first one.
Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Kevin Malone: Shh.
Michael Scott: What'cha talking about? (camera pans to each face in the break room) Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think---
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott: Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar Martinez: You heard me correctly.
Michael Scott: Oh, I hate monkeys.
Pam Beesly: What's going on, why do you have a second job?
Michael Scott: I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
Pam Beesly: Doesn't Jan have money?
Michael Scott: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual.
Kevin Malone: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
Michael Scott: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? (Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket)
Oscar & Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, let's call this what it is.
Darryl Philbin: It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course.
Kelly Kapoor: Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire---
Darryl Philbin: Slow down, think it over.
Kelly Kapoor: Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?
Creed Bratton: Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems.
Michael Scott: No you didn't.
Creed Bratton: Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
Michael Scott: How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed Bratton: You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up "get out of jail free" cards, those things cost thousands.
Michael Scott: That is a good point.
Creed Bratton: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.
Michael Scott: Like the witness protection program.
Creed Bratton: Exactly.
Oscar Martinez: Not at all.
Michael Scott: I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life.
Michael Scott: I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!
Oscar Martinez: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.
Oscar Martinez: Still, that's not anything.
Oscar Martinez: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell me about it.
Oscar Martinez: Mmm.
Michael Scott: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar Martinez: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.
Oscar Martinez: Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?
Michael Scott: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core.
Andy Bernard: I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game.
Oscar Martinez: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house.
Michael Scott: Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Oscar Martinez: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that.
Michael Scott: Right.
Oscar Martinez: This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
Michael Scott: How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?
Pam Beesly: Man, Angela really had a hold on him. (Dwight playing the recorder in the background) Angela.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy.
Michael Scott: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.
Oscar Martinez: She has to know.
Michael Scott: We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael Scott: You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
Oscar Martinez: I'm done!
Michael Scott: No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.
Oscar Martinez: Jan is smart.
Michael Scott: She poses.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight Schrute: Stupid.
Jim Halpert: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Maybe you should.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you should. Whatever.
Pam Beesly: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times.
Jim Halpert: The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings.
Pam Beesly: Table making never seemed so possible.
Jim Halpert: You will never want to leave your room.
Pam Beesly: The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.
Dwight Schrute: I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.
Pam Beesly: We really did. It was fun.
Oscar Martinez: So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) You're broke?
Michael Scott: Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say.
Oscar Martinez: Jan.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Yeah, what?
Oscar Martinez: Michael left.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Okay, where did he go?
Oscar Martinez: I don't know.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Well, is he coming right back?
Oscar Martinez: I don't think so.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) I'll be right there.
Michael Scott: What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
Angela Martin: (to Andy) You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood.
Pam Beesly: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Uhh-mmm (moaning)
Jim Halpert: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight Schrute: (incoherent mumbling) No you didn't.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm-uh-mm (incoherent mumbling)
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you.
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away)
Pam Beesly: Hey, I was thinking about dinner--- (Jim grabs her face and kisses her)
Jim Halpert: Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
Jim Halpert: Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food.
Oscar Martinez: Jan, he went running that way.
Jan Levinson: Alright. (throws her keys at Oscar)
Michael Scott: (singing) Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back.
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey Jan.
Jan Levinson: What's going on?
Michael Scott: Not much, what's up with you?
Jan Levinson: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?
Michael Scott: I'm out of answers Jan.
Jan Levinson: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Jan Levinson: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that.
Michael Scott: I don't know that.
Jan Levinson: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.
Michael Scott: I'll stay off the grid.
Jan Levinson: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up.
Jan Levinson: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
Michael Scott: That's really nice of you to say.
Jan Levinson: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?
Michael Scott: I think the engineer left.
Dwight Schrute: (takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor) Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.
Michael Scott: Don't sell your implants please.
Jan Levinson: I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though.
Michael Scott: That's nice though.
Jan Levinson: It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now.
Michael Scott: It looks cute though.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 4. Money is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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