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Season 4 Episode 5
Local Ad

Every line from The Office episode "Local Ad", season 4 episode 5.

Michael Scott: Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!
Phyllis Vance: Dancing babies!
Michael Scott: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
Michael Scott: We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.
Andy Bernard: Best ad ever. (sings in the tune of the "Kit Kat theme song") Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?
Jim Halpert: Nobody tell him!
Andy Bernard: What? No, why?
Jim Halpert: You got it, you're so close!
Andy Bernard: (singing) Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Jim Halpert: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think...
Andy Bernard: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Andy Bernard: Football cream. Grr!
Michael Scott: Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Pam Beesly: I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
Michael Scott: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.
Michael Scott: Hello hello!
Ad guy 1: Hey, how ya doin'?
Michael Scott: Michael Scott.
Ad guy 2: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Regional manager.
Ad guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you
Michael Scott: Excited to talk ideas.
Ad guy 1: Let's do it, man.
Michael Scott: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
Ad guy 1: That sounds great.
Michael Scott: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.
Michael Scott: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?
Andy Bernard: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Michael Scott: He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Andy Bernard: It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy (makes farting noise). Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!
Michael Scott: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley Hudson: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
Michael Scott: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
Michael Scott: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Kevin Malone: (looking at Oscar) Mama Bear!
Michael Scott: Who else?
Jim Halpert: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.
Jim Halpert: You playing that game again?
Dwight Schrute: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim Halpert: Oh it has losers.
Dwight Schrute: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. (shot of Dwight's avatar flying around)
Michael Scott: (reading off piece of paper) Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further---
Ad guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable---
Michael Scott: Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...
Ad guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know.
Ad guy 1: Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Michael Scott: Mmm. Okay. (commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background)
Michael Scott: That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! (chuckles) Whoa.
Ad guy 1: That's what we came up with.
Michael Scott: Well we can do better than that.
Ad guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.
Michael Scott: The waving?
Ad guy 1: Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.
Andy Bernard: I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?
Dwight Schrute: We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.
Andy Bernard: We'll use code names.
Dwight Schrute: Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.
Andy Bernard: That's not different enough.
Dwight Schrute: Dwike?
Receptionist: You have a call from Eddie Murphy.
Ryan Howard: Hello?
Michael Scott: (on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice) Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! (laughing) I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.
Ryan Howard: I told you not to call about small problems.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
Ryan Howard: That's good. They're creative, you're not.
Michael Scott: I'm creative, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.
Michael Scott: Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Ryan Howard: Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Ryan Howard: But I'm good at managing people who do sales .
Michael Scott: Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.
Michael Scott: All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.
Michael Scott: Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.
Ad guy 2: Okay, when should we come back?
Michael Scott: How about never hundred hours, sir.
Ad guy 2: We were sent here to help out.
Ad guy 1: Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude.
Michael Scott: Hey thanks. Thank you.
David Wallace: (on phone) Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan Howard: I'm on Michael.
Michael Scott: What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.
David Wallace: This is weird.
Michael Scott: I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
David Wallace: Okay, I'll see it tomorrow.
Michael Scott: Okay. (hangs up phone) And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.
Michael Scott: Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
Jim Halpert: Who are you talking to, specifically?
Kevin Malone: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. (makes squinty face)
Oscar Martinez: When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.
Meredith Palmer: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
Michael Scott: We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.
Phyllis Vance: (gasps) Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Phyllis Vance: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?
Creed Bratton: She's crazy hot.
Andy Bernard: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
Angela Martin: That's not happening.
Angela Martin: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.
Phyllis Vance: Bye everyone.
Michael Scott: Line it up Phyllis.
Creed Bratton: Get her Phyll.
Darryl Philbin: (singing) Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly & Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
Darryl Philbin: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl Philbin: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Darryl Philbin: What's rap?
Michael Scott: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix.
Darryl Philbin: Great.
Andy Bernard: News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: No talk, I'm animating.
Jim Halpert: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. (pulls up Dwight's game) Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.
Pam Beesly: Are you serious?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, he's really in pain.
Jim Halpert: (sighs)
Pam Beesly: Who's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.
Pam Beesly: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Jim Halpert: Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so---
Pam Beesly: Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Pam Beesly: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim Halpert: I... why don't we go back to this animation.
Pam Beesly: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.
Jim Halpert: Ah, show me how this works.
Pam Beesly: Oh boy.
Darryl Philbin: (singing in different tune) Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl Philbin: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
Darryl Philbin: You're right, it's better than you! It's us! (sings) Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott: No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.
Darryl Philbin: You're on your own, Mike. (gets up and starts to walk away)
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: You just said you hated it.
Michael Scott: No. I said I hate the, the style.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Michael Scott: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy Bernard: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Michael Scott: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: (crying) Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer.
Michael Scott: That'a girl.
Phyllis Vance: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
Michael Scott: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?
Phyllis Vance: (sobbing) No.
Michael Scott: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? (Kevin hands her piece of tape)
Jim Halpert: I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.
Pam Beesly: Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam Beesly: No no, you can go home. I'm good.
Jim Halpert: Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home.
Meredith Palmer: You comin'?
Jim Halpert: I, ah...
Meredith Palmer: Piss or get off the pot!
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim Halpert: Good morning. (Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk) Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: You're welcome.
Pam Beesly: I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.
Andy Bernard: Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
Dwight Schrute: Andy, I can't hear this right now.
Andy Bernard: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, "Oh D, oh D."
Dwight Schrute: She called you D?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. D for Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Oh D.
Andy Bernard: Oh D.
Dwight Schrute: (whispers) Oh D.
Andy Bernard: Oh D!
Both: Ohhhhhh D! (laughing) Ohhhh D!
Michael Scott: I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. (dials phone)
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Yes?
Michael Scott: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam Beesly: Certainly. (makes beeping noises) Okay, clear.
Michael Scott: They could call at any second now. (sighs) Oh God...I better call.
Michael Scott: (Ten days later) Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!
Everyone: (watching ad) Oh! (clapping and cheering)
Bartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Michael Scott: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.
Jim Halpert: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?
Jim Halpert: Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.
Michael's Ad: (Chariots of Fire theme plays) It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. (people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other) Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. (Kelly catches paper airplane that says "I love you") And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time (newspaper with Andy saying "Hometown Boy Wins Race"), and bad news isn't always what it seems. (Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says "You have a son, and it's me") Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. (Stanley finds paper that says "Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin") To score. (Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says "World's Most Creative Boss") Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.
Everyone: (claps and cheer)
Jim Halpert: Animation? All her by the way. (points at Pam)
Bartender: Really?
Jim Halpert: I just thought you should---
Bartender: The animation was cool.
Pam Beesly: Thanks.
Bartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?
Jim Halpert: Ahh. (puts his arm around Pam)
Kevin Malone: Michael, that was fun.
Michael Scott: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!
Andy Bernard: (singing) Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. (speaking) It's gotta rhyme with "piece." Fancy Feast! (sings) Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 4. Local Ad is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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