Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Local Ad

Vol. 4 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the Scranton branch's attempt at making their own commercial. From Andy’s struggle to remember a simple jingle to the 'Director’s Cut' corporate rejected, you'll find the full script right here. It’s got all the dialogue and jokes that make this one a classic.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!
Phyllis Vance
Dancing babies!
Michael Scott
Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.

Scene 03

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Best ad ever. (sings in the tune of the "Kit Kat theme song") Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?
Jim Halpert
Nobody tell him!
Andy Bernard
What? No, why?
Jim Halpert
You got it, you're so close!
Andy Bernard
(singing) Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Jim Halpert
Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think...
Andy Bernard
Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Andy Bernard
Football cream. Grr!
Michael Scott
Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Pam Beesly
I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
Michael Scott
Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.

Scene 04

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hello hello!
Ad guy 1
Hey, how ya doin'?
Michael Scott
Michael Scott.
Ad guy 2
Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
Regional manager.
Ad guy 2
Hey Michael, nice to meet you
Michael Scott
Excited to talk ideas.
Ad guy 1
Let's do it, man.
Michael Scott
You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
Ad guy 1
That sounds great.

Scene 05

11 lines
Michael Scott
All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.
Michael Scott
I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?
Andy Bernard
Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Michael Scott
He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Andy Bernard
It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy (makes farting noise). Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!
Michael Scott
Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley Hudson
Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
Michael Scott
Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
Michael Scott
These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Kevin Malone
(looking at Oscar) Mama Bear!
Michael Scott
Who else?

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

Scene 07

3 lines
Jim Halpert
You playing that game again?
Dwight Schrute
Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim Halpert
Oh it has losers.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. (shot of Dwight's avatar flying around)

Scene 09

14 lines
Michael Scott
(reading off piece of paper) Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further---
Ad guy 1
Okay I can tell that your time is valuable---
Michael Scott
Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...
Ad guy 1
That all sounds really, really ambitious.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know.
Ad guy 1
Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Michael Scott
Mmm. Okay. (commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background)
Michael Scott
That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! (chuckles) Whoa.
Ad guy 1
That's what we came up with.
Michael Scott
Well we can do better than that.
Ad guy 2
Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.
Ad guy 1
Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.
Michael Scott
The waving?
Ad guy 1
Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.

Scene 10

6 lines
Andy Bernard
I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?
Dwight Schrute
We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.
Andy Bernard
We'll use code names.
Dwight Schrute
Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.
Andy Bernard
That's not different enough.
Dwight Schrute
Dwike?

Scene 11

15 lines
Receptionist
You have a call from Eddie Murphy.
Ryan Howard
Hello?
Michael Scott
(on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice) Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! (laughing) I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry.
Ryan Howard
What?
Michael Scott
Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.
Ryan Howard
I told you not to call about small problems.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
Ryan Howard
That's good. They're creative, you're not.
Michael Scott
I'm creative, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.
Michael Scott
Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Ryan Howard
Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?
Michael Scott
Yeah!
Ryan Howard
But I'm good at managing people who do sales .
Michael Scott
Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.

Scene 13

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.
Ad guy 2
Okay, when should we come back?
Michael Scott
How about never hundred hours, sir.
Ad guy 2
We were sent here to help out.
Ad guy 1
Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude.
Michael Scott
Hey thanks. Thank you.

Scene 14

8 lines
David Wallace
(on phone) Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan Howard
I'm on Michael.
Michael Scott
What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.
David Wallace
This is weird.
Michael Scott
I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
David Wallace
Okay, I'll see it tomorrow.
Michael Scott
Okay. (hangs up phone) And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.

Scene 15

4 lines
Michael Scott
Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
Jim Halpert
Who are you talking to, specifically?

Scene 16

1 line
Kevin Malone
I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. (makes squinty face)

Scene 17

1 line
Oscar Martinez
When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.

Scene 18

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.

Scene 20

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
(gasps) Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Phyllis Vance
Okay.
Andy Bernard
Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?
Creed Bratton
She's crazy hot.
Andy Bernard
Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
Angela Martin
That's not happening.

Scene 21

1 line
Angela Martin
I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.

Scene 22

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
Bye everyone.
Michael Scott
Line it up Phyllis.
Creed Bratton
Get her Phyll.

Scene 23

10 lines
Darryl Philbin
(singing) Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly & Darryl
Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
Darryl Philbin
Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly
The people person's paper people.
Darryl Philbin
Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly
The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott
Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Darryl Philbin
What's rap?
Michael Scott
Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix.
Darryl Philbin
Great.

Scene 24

1 line
Andy Bernard
News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.

Scene 25

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
No talk, I'm animating.
Jim Halpert
Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. (pulls up Dwight's game) Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.
Pam Beesly
Are you serious?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, he's really in pain.
Jim Halpert
(sighs)
Pam Beesly
Who's that?
Jim Halpert
Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.
Pam Beesly
He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Jim Halpert
Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so---
Pam Beesly
Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Pam Beesly
You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim Halpert
I... why don't we go back to this animation.
Pam Beesly
No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.
Jim Halpert
Ah, show me how this works.
Pam Beesly
Oh boy.

Scene 26

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
(singing in different tune) Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly
The people person's paper people.
Darryl Philbin
Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly
The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott
Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
Darryl Philbin
You're right, it's better than you! It's us! (sings) Dunder Mifflin.
Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly
The people person's paper people.
Michael Scott
No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.
Darryl Philbin
You're on your own, Mike. (gets up and starts to walk away)
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
You just said you hated it.
Michael Scott
No. I said I hate the, the style.

Scene 27

10 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing) Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Michael Scott
Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy Bernard
Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Michael Scott
Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
(crying) Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer.
Michael Scott
That'a girl.
Phyllis Vance
So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
Michael Scott
Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?
Phyllis Vance
(sobbing) No.
Michael Scott
Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? (Kevin hands her piece of tape)

Scene 28

4 lines
Jim Halpert
I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.
Pam Beesly
Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam Beesly
No no, you can go home. I'm good.

Scene 29

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home.
Meredith Palmer
You comin'?
Jim Halpert
I, ah...
Meredith Palmer
Piss or get off the pot!

Scene 30

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim Halpert
Good morning. (Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk) Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
You're welcome.

Scene 31

1 line
Pam Beesly
I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.

Scene 32

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
Dwight Schrute
Andy, I can't hear this right now.
Andy Bernard
No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, "Oh D, oh D."
Dwight Schrute
She called you D?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. D for Andy.
Dwight Schrute
Oh D.
Andy Bernard
Oh D.
Dwight Schrute
(whispers) Oh D.
Andy Bernard
Oh D!
Both
Ohhhhhh D! (laughing) Ohhhh D!

Scene 33

5 lines
Michael Scott
I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. (dials phone)
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Yes?
Michael Scott
Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam Beesly
Certainly. (makes beeping noises) Okay, clear.
Michael Scott
They could call at any second now. (sighs) Oh God...I better call.

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
(Ten days later) Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!

Scene 35

3 lines
Everyone
(watching ad) Oh! (clapping and cheering)
Bartender
Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Michael Scott
No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?

Scene 37

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael's Ad
(Chariots of Fire theme plays) It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. (people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other) Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. (Kelly catches paper airplane that says "I love you") And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time (newspaper with Andy saying "Hometown Boy Wins Race"), and bad news isn't always what it seems. (Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says "You have a son, and it's me") Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. (Stanley finds paper that says "Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin") To score. (Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says "World's Most Creative Boss") Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.

Scene 39

8 lines
Everyone
(claps and cheer)
Jim Halpert
Animation? All her by the way. (points at Pam)
Bartender
Really?
Jim Halpert
I just thought you should---
Bartender
The animation was cool.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.
Bartender
Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?
Jim Halpert
Ahh. (puts his arm around Pam)

Scene 40

2 lines
Kevin Malone
Michael, that was fun.
Michael Scott
That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!

Scene 41

1 line
Andy Bernard
(singing) Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. (speaking) It's gotta rhyme with "piece." Fancy Feast! (sings) Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it.