Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Branch Wars

Vol. 4 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Here's the full script from the time Michael and Dwight dragged Jim to Utica for a revenge prank that went totally sideways. You'll find every single line from the episode, including the messy copier heist and the birth of the Finer Things Club. It’s the best spot to find those sassy Stanley quotes or the transcript of the mustache-clad 'panty raid.'

Scene 01

4 lines
Rolando
(on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. (knocks on door)
Karen Filippelli
Yeah.
Rolando
Karen? He's on line one.
Karen Filippelli
Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?

Scene 02

1 line
Karen Filippelli
I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Scene 03

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.

Scene 04

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?

Scene 05

11 lines
Michael Scott
This is perfect.
Dwight Schrute
He looks like your twin.
Michael Scott
This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Dwight Schrute
I will know.
Michael Scott
But, you will not tell anyone.
Dwight Schrute
I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Michael Scott
Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. (knock on the door) Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley Hudson
I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael Scott
Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley Hudson
I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.
Michael Scott
What?

Scene 06

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
Everyone
(applause)
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Michael Scott
Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley Hudson
I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott
That could not possibly be it.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.

Scene 08

7 lines
Michael Scott
How can I get you to stay?
Stanley Hudson
Money.
Michael Scott
Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley Hudson
Money.
Michael Scott
Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-
Stanley Hudson
Money.
Michael Scott
Pssh, kay.

Scene 09

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Oscar, did you bring it?
Oscar Martinez
To be Edwardian. His best work.
Pam Beesly
Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.
Oscar Martinez
Sure thing Pam, can't wait.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.

Scene 11

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Scene 12

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?
Pam Beesly
Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim Halpert
Oscar?
Pam Beesly
Some people.

Scene 13

16 lines
Karen Filippelli
(on phone) Hello?
Michael Scott
Fillipellers, how's it hanging?
Karen Filippelli
Michael...
Michael Scott
To the left?
Karen Filippelli
Listen, I-
Michael Scott
To the right?
Karen Filippelli
I'm-
Michael Scott
Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Karen Filippelli
You called me.
Michael Scott
Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
Karen Filippelli
I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.
Michael Scott
No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen Filippelli
Toby's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott
You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Karen Filippelli
Oooh. Good-bye Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? (Karen hangs up)

Scene 14

10 lines
Pam Beesly
I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.
Michael Scott
Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben
Hi Michael.
Michael Scott
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben
Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Pam Beesly
(giggles)
Michael Scott
(to Pam) Get out. (to Ben) Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Ben
Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael Scott
No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?
Ben
Seriously?

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.

Scene 16

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Found him!
Michael Scott
Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim Halpert
So what are you going to do?
Michael Scott
What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim Halpert
Did they?
Michael Scott
Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?
Pam Beesly
It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael Scott
That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? (sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups) Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.

Scene 17

16 lines
Jim Halpert
We just passed the exit for Corcroan.
Michael Scott
What? What? We did?
Dwight & Michael
Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael Scott
Look at his face! Look at his face!
Jim Halpert
What are we doing?
Dwight Schrute
Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.
Michael Scott
What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
Dwight Schrute
Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.
Michael Scott
We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.
Jim Halpert
We're going to Utica?
Michael Scott
Uh-huh.
Jim Halpert
I'm not going to Utica right now.
Michael Scott
Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
Michael & Dwight
(chanting) Utica! Utica! Utica!

Scene 18

15 lines
Michael & Dwight
(chanting) Utica! Utica!
Michael Scott
In your face
Dwight Schrute
Yow!
Jim Halpert
I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.
Michael Scott
Are you calling Karen?
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not calling Karen.
Dwight Schrute
He's lying.
Michael Scott
Yep, get it.
Jim Halpert
What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
(throws Jim's cell phone out of the window) Gah-ah-hah-ha!
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute
No communication with the outside world Jim.
Michael Scott
It had to be done, it had to be done.
Jim Halpert
Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so...
Dwight Schrute
Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.

Scene 19

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Hey Dwight, he found it.
Jim Halpert
You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.
Michael Scott
Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Michael Scott
Do you really wanna know?
Jim Halpert
Oh, God. (hangs up phone)
Michael Scott
Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight Schrute
Or real bombs.
Michael Scott
No, no, not real bombs.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Michael Scott
Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
It could be badass. Yeah, it will.
Jim Halpert
No, no absolutely we are not doing this.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.
Jim Halpert
Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
Michael Scott
Teach her to offer Stanley more money.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.

Scene 21

24 lines
Michael Scott
So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim Halpert
What?
Michael Scott
I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what?
Michael Scott
...awesome.
Jim Halpert
Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
Michael Scott
Okay, I will start. Um, "A." (singing) "A" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um...
Jim Halpert
It doesn't matter.
Michael Scott
I'm trying to think of what we could sell.
Jim Halpert
Doesn't matter.
Michael Scott
Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim Halpert
That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.
Michael Scott
What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute
I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God!
Michael Scott
Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim Halpert
Michael, watch the road!
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott
I'll kill you man!
Jim Halpert
Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott
That is just so disgusting!
Jim Halpert
Pull over, pull over!
Dwight Schrute
I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Scene 22

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?
Toby Flenderson
I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.
Pam Beesly
And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?
Andy Bernard
(joins them at the table) Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.
Oscar Martinez
What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam.
Pam Beesly
Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.

Scene 23

1 line
Andy Bernard
The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.

Scene 24

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.
Toby Flenderson
Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.
Andy Bernard
Why can't I be in the club?

Scene 25

15 lines
Jim Halpert
I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.
Dwight Schrute
Believe it.
Michael Scott
Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Jim Halpert
No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.
Michael Scott
Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-
Jim Halpert
Guy's going by. Shh.
Michael Scott
You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
Dwight Schrute
And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert
No, no, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute
Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go.
Dwight Schrute
Let's move! Move, move, move, move!
Jim Halpert
Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.

Scene 26

12 lines
Pam Beesly
I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. (Kevin dumping change in the snack machine) And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.
Kevin Malone
Damn it!
Pam Beesly
It just- (Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine) To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh...
Oscar Martinez
Yes.
Kevin Malone
Damn it! (banging machine)
Pam Beesly
Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Oscar Martinez
Very brave. (Phyllis beeping microwave in the background)
Pam Beesly
Very brave choice also, I thought.
Oscar Martinez
And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. (Phyllis still beeping the microwave) Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?
Phyllis Vance
Popcorn.
Pam Beesly
Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Scene 27

3 lines
Andy Bernard
So, Stanley, are you really outta here?
Stanley Hudson
Yep, looks that way.
Andy Bernard
I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.

Scene 28

11 lines
Michael Scott
(from the walkie-talkie) We are in a stairwell.
Dwight Schrute
(from the walkie-talkie) We are climbing some stairs.
Dwight Schrute
I'm breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
Dwight Schrute
Well...
Michael Scott
There's a guy, there's a guy.
Dwight Schrute
There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
Michael Scott
Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
Dwight Schrute
I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim Halpert
No, no, don't do anything to them.
Dwight Schrute
I have to do something to his eyes.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The eyes are the groin of the head.

Scene 30

25 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott
We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim Halpert
Isn't that thing huge?
Michael Scott
It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim Halpert
No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.
Michael Scott
Aha! (crashing)
Dwight Schrute
My hip bone!
Michael Scott
We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.
Dwight Schrute
Don't leave us!
Michael Scott
Save yourself!
Dwight Schrute
Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!
Jim Halpert
Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-
Michael Scott
Dwight, you gotta move!
Jim Halpert
Damn it guys!
Michael Scott
Dwight, could you move over a little bit.
Dwight Schrute
I'm losing control of my bladder.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!
Dwight Schrute
Did you say Karen?
Michael Scott
Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott
Just say you wanna get back together.
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not doing that!
Michael Scott
It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.
Karen Filippelli
Jim?
Jim Halpert
Hey Karen.

Scene 31

6 lines
Karen Filippelli
Uh, what are you doing here?
Jim Halpert
First of all, hi.
Karen Filippelli
What are you doing here?
Jim Halpert
You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...
Dwight Schrute
Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Jim Halpert
Copy that.

Scene 32

1 line
Karen Filippelli
I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good.

Scene 33

17 lines
Karen Filippelli
Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight Schrute
Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen Filippelli
I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight Schrute
Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael Scott
(whispers) Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. (they get up to leave)
Karen Filippelli
Jim, hang on a second?
Jim Halpert
Yes?
Karen Filippelli
So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, trying to quit though.
Karen Filippelli
If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.
Jim Halpert
Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you...
Karen Filippelli
(huffs)
Jim Halpert
I mean, it's just that- (clears throat) You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you...
Karen Filippelli
Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.
Jim Halpert
(slinking out of the room) Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic.
Karen Filippelli
Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
I... will... (gives up and walks away)

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.

Scene 35

5 lines
Michael Scott
Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. (knock on the door) I can't do this.
Stanley Hudson
Michael? A word?
Michael Scott
Of course.
Stanley Hudson
I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.
Michael Scott
Really?

Scene 36

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? (laughs) Sometimes I say crazy things.

Scene 37

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.
Jim Halpert
Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Pam Beesly
(nods head yes)
Andy Bernard
Oh-oh, come on!

Scene 38

15 lines
Jim Halpert
(Irish accent) Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, did you get it out of your system.
Jim Halpert
Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.
Toby Flenderson
Fun?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Toby Flenderson
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim Halpert
No, that wasn't fun.
Toby Flenderson
Did you even read it?
Jim Halpert
Of course I read it.
Oscar Martinez
How does it end?
Toby Flenderson
Who was the main character?
Jim Halpert
Angela. Nope. The ashes.
Pam Beesly
(mouths "I'm sorry" to Oscar)