In this episode, Michael and Dwight try to prank the Utica branch after Karen, the branch manager, tries to recruit Stanley. This page contains all the lines from The Office, Season 4 Episode 6, "Branch Wars". Read the full script, quotes, and more from this episode.
Rolando:(on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. (knocks on door)
Karen Filippelli:Yeah.
Rolando:Karen? He's on line one.
Karen Filippelli:Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?
Karen Filippelli:I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.
Karen Filippelli:Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.
Karen Filippelli:Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?
Michael Scott:This is perfect.
Dwight Schrute:He looks like your twin.
Michael Scott:This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Dwight Schrute:I will know.
Michael Scott:But, you will not tell anyone.
Dwight Schrute:I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Michael Scott:Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. (knock on the door) Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley Hudson:I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael Scott:Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley Hudson:I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.
Michael Scott:What?
Michael Scott:Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
Everyone:(applause)
Michael Scott:No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim Halpert:Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Michael Scott:Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley Hudson:I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott:That could not possibly be it.
Michael Scott:You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.
Michael Scott:How can I get you to stay?
Stanley Hudson:Money.
Michael Scott:Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley Hudson:Money.
Michael Scott:Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-
Stanley Hudson:Money.
Michael Scott:Pssh, kay.
Pam Beesly:Oscar, did you bring it?
Oscar Martinez:To be Edwardian. His best work.
Pam Beesly:Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.
Oscar Martinez:Sure thing Pam, can't wait.
Pam Beesly:Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.
Oscar Martinez:Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.
Jim Halpert:So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?
Pam Beesly:Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim Halpert:Oscar?
Pam Beesly:Some people.
Karen Filippelli:(on phone) Hello?
Michael Scott:Fillipellers, how's it hanging?
Karen Filippelli:Michael...
Michael Scott:To the left?
Karen Filippelli:Listen, I-
Michael Scott:To the right?
Karen Filippelli:I'm-
Michael Scott:Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Karen Filippelli:You called me.
Michael Scott:Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
Karen Filippelli:I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.
Michael Scott:No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen Filippelli:Toby's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott:You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Karen Filippelli:Oooh. Good-bye Michael.
Michael Scott:Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? (Karen hangs up)
Pam Beesly:I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.
Michael Scott:Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben:Hi Michael.
Michael Scott:I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben:Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Pam Beesly:(giggles)
Michael Scott:(to Pam) Get out. (to Ben) Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Ben:Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael Scott:No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?
Ben:Seriously?
Michael Scott:What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.
Dwight Schrute:Found him!
Michael Scott:Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim Halpert:So what are you going to do?
Michael Scott:What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim Halpert:Did they?
Michael Scott:Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?
Pam Beesly:It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael Scott:That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? (sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups) Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.
Jim Halpert:We just passed the exit for Corcroan.
Michael Scott:What? What? We did?
Dwight & Michael:Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael Scott:Look at his face! Look at his face!
Jim Halpert:What are we doing?
Dwight Schrute:Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.
Michael Scott:What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
Dwight Schrute:Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.
Michael Scott:We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.
Jim Halpert:We're going to Utica?
Michael Scott:Uh-huh.
Jim Halpert:I'm not going to Utica right now.
Michael Scott:Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.
Jim Halpert:No.
Michael Scott:We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
Michael & Dwight:(chanting) Utica! Utica! Utica!
Michael & Dwight:(chanting) Utica! Utica!
Michael Scott:In your face
Dwight Schrute:Yow!
Jim Halpert:I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.
Michael Scott:Are you calling Karen?
Jim Halpert:No, I'm not calling Karen.
Dwight Schrute:He's lying.
Michael Scott:Yep, get it.
Jim Halpert:What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:(throws Jim's cell phone out of the window) Gah-ah-hah-ha!
Jim Halpert:Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute:No communication with the outside world Jim.
Michael Scott:It had to be done, it had to be done.
Jim Halpert:Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so...
Dwight Schrute:Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.
Jim Halpert:Okay.
Michael Scott:Hey Dwight, he found it.
Jim Halpert:You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.
Michael Scott:Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.
Jim Halpert:Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Michael Scott:Do you really wanna know?
Jim Halpert:Oh, God. (hangs up phone)
Michael Scott:Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight Schrute:Or real bombs.
Michael Scott:No, no, not real bombs.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Michael Scott:Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Jim Halpert:No.
Michael Scott:It could be badass. Yeah, it will.
Jim Halpert:No, no absolutely we are not doing this.
Dwight Schrute:Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.
Jim Halpert:Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
Michael Scott:Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
Jim Halpert:So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.
Michael Scott:So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim Halpert:What?
Michael Scott:I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...
Jim Halpert:Okay, you know what?
Michael Scott:...awesome.
Jim Halpert:Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
Michael Scott:Okay, I will start. Um, "A." (singing) "A" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um...
Jim Halpert:It doesn't matter.
Michael Scott:I'm trying to think of what we could sell.
Jim Halpert:Doesn't matter.
Michael Scott:Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim Halpert:That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.
Michael Scott:What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute:I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert:Oh my God!
Michael Scott:Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!
Dwight Schrute:Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim Halpert:Michael, watch the road!
Dwight Schrute:Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott:I'll kill you man!
Jim Halpert:Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott:That is just so disgusting!
Jim Halpert:Pull over, pull over!
Dwight Schrute:I think I cut my penis on the lid!
Oscar Martinez:Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?
Toby Flenderson:I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.
Pam Beesly:And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?
Andy Bernard:(joins them at the table) Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.
Oscar Martinez:What are you doing?
Andy Bernard:Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam.
Pam Beesly:Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.
Andy Bernard:The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.
Andy Bernard:Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.
Toby Flenderson:Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.
Andy Bernard:Why can't I be in the club?
Jim Halpert:I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.
Dwight Schrute:Believe it.
Michael Scott:Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Jim Halpert:No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.
Michael Scott:Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-
Jim Halpert:Guy's going by. Shh.
Michael Scott:You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
Dwight Schrute:And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert:No, no, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute:Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert:Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?
Dwight Schrute:Okay, Jim.
Jim Halpert:Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go.
Jim Halpert:Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Pam Beesly:I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. (Kevin dumping change in the snack machine) And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.
Kevin Malone:Damn it!
Pam Beesly:It just- (Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine) To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh...
Oscar Martinez:Yes.
Kevin Malone:Damn it! (banging machine)
Pam Beesly:Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Oscar Martinez:Very brave. (Phyllis beeping microwave in the background)
Pam Beesly:Very brave choice also, I thought.
Oscar Martinez:And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. (Phyllis still beeping the microwave) Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?
Phyllis Vance:Popcorn.
Pam Beesly:Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance:Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.
Andy Bernard:So, Stanley, are you really outta here?
Stanley Hudson:Yep, looks that way.
Andy Bernard:I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.
Michael Scott:(from the walkie-talkie) We are in a stairwell.
Dwight Schrute:(from the walkie-talkie) We are climbing some stairs.
Dwight Schrute:I'm breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert:Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
Dwight Schrute:Well...
Michael Scott:There's a guy, there's a guy.
Dwight Schrute:There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
Michael Scott:Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
Dwight Schrute:I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim Halpert:No, no, don't do anything to them.
Dwight Schrute:I have to do something to his eyes.
Dwight Schrute:The eyes are the groin of the head.
Jim Halpert:Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott:We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim Halpert:Isn't that thing huge?
Michael Scott:It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim Halpert:No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.
Michael Scott:Aha! (crashing)
Dwight Schrute:My hip bone!
Michael Scott:We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.
Dwight Schrute:Don't leave us!
Michael Scott:Save yourself!
Dwight Schrute:Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!
Jim Halpert:Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-
Michael Scott:Dwight, you gotta move!
Jim Halpert:Damn it guys!
Michael Scott:Dwight, could you move over a little bit.
Dwight Schrute:I'm losing control of my bladder.
Jim Halpert:Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!
Dwight Schrute:Did you say Karen?
Michael Scott:Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.
Jim Halpert:No, I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott:Just say you wanna get back together.
Jim Halpert:No, I'm not doing that!
Michael Scott:It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.
Karen Filippelli:Jim?
Jim Halpert:Hey Karen.
Karen Filippelli:Uh, what are you doing here?
Jim Halpert:First of all, hi.
Karen Filippelli:What are you doing here?
Jim Halpert:You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...
Dwight Schrute:Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Jim Halpert:Copy that.
Karen Filippelli:I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good.
Karen Filippelli:Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight Schrute:Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen Filippelli:I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight Schrute:Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael Scott:(whispers) Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. (they get up to leave)
Karen Filippelli:Jim, hang on a second?
Jim Halpert:Yes?
Karen Filippelli:So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, trying to quit though.
Karen Filippelli:If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.
Jim Halpert:Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you...
Karen Filippelli:(huffs)
Jim Halpert:I mean, it's just that- (clears throat) You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you...
Karen Filippelli:Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.
Jim Halpert:(slinking out of the room) Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic.
Karen Filippelli:Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert:I... will... (gives up and walks away)
Michael Scott:We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.
Michael Scott:Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. (knock on the door) I can't do this.
Stanley Hudson:Michael? A word?
Michael Scott:Of course.
Stanley Hudson:I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.
Michael Scott:Really?
Stanley Hudson:I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? (laughs) Sometimes I say crazy things.
Jim Halpert:Hey.
Pam Beesly:I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.
Jim Halpert:Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Pam Beesly:(nods head yes)
Andy Bernard:Oh-oh, come on!
Jim Halpert:(Irish accent) Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.
Oscar Martinez:Okay, did you get it out of your system.
Jim Halpert:Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.
Toby Flenderson:Fun?
Jim Halpert:Mm-hmm.
Toby Flenderson:Really?
Jim Halpert:Yeah.
Toby Flenderson:What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim Halpert:No, that wasn't fun.
Toby Flenderson:Did you even read it?
Jim Halpert:Of course I read it.
Oscar Martinez:How does it end?
Toby Flenderson:Who was the main character?
Jim Halpert:Angela. Nope. The ashes.
Pam Beesly:(mouths "I'm sorry" to Oscar)
In "The Office" episode 6, season 4, "Branch Wars," Michael learns that Stanley is considering a job offer. The offer is from the Utica branch. Karen, the regional manager, is trying to poach him. Michael, Dwight, and Jim drive to Utica. They plan to prank the branch in retaliation. Jim is reluctant. He used to date Karen. He does not want to make things worse. Andy joins the Finer Things Club. He annoys the other members. Michael tries to convince Stanley to stay. He offers Toby to Karen instead. He then tries to hire Utica's top salesman. Neither plan works.
Michael, Dwight, and Jim wear disguises. They try to steal Utica's industrial copier. They get stuck in a stairwell. Karen finds them. Jim talks to her. She is still upset about their breakup. Michael tells Karen they will "burn Utica to the ground" if she takes Stanley. Remember, you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote to share on social media.
Back in Scranton, Stanley reveals he was bluffing. He just wanted a raise. Michael unknowingly called his bluff. Andy's antics disrupt the Finer Things Club. Pam finally invites him to join. He acts silly. Oscar is annoyed. The episode ends with Stanley staying in Scranton. The Utica prank fails.
