Scene 014 linesRolandoOpen quote: (on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. (knocks on door)Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah.RolandoOpen quote: Karen? He's on line one.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?
Scene 021 lineKaren FilippelliOpen quote: I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.
Scene 031 lineKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.
Scene 041 lineKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?
Scene 0511 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This is perfect.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He looks like your twin.Michael ScottOpen quote: This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will know.Michael ScottOpen quote: But, you will not tell anyone.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. (knock on the door) Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just go out, and come back in.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?
Scene 067 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.EveryoneOpen quote: (applause)Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I think it's because of my sales record.Michael ScottOpen quote: That could not possibly be it.
Scene 071 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.
Scene 087 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: How can I get you to stay?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Money.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Money.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Money.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pssh, kay.
Scene 094 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Oscar, did you bring it?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: To be Edwardian. His best work.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Sure thing Pam, can't wait.
Scene 101 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.
Scene 111 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.
Scene 124 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oscar?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Some people.
Scene 1316 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (on phone) Hello?Michael ScottOpen quote: Fillipellers, how's it hanging?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Michael...Michael ScottOpen quote: To the left?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Listen, I-Michael ScottOpen quote: To the right?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I'm-Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: You called me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Toby's not a salesperson.Michael ScottOpen quote: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oooh. Good-bye Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? (Karen hangs up)
Scene 1410 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi Ben, Michael Scott.BenOpen quote: Hi Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.BenOpen quote: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (giggles)Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Pam) Get out. (to Ben) Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.BenOpen quote: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?BenOpen quote: Seriously?
Scene 151 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.
Scene 168 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Found him!Michael ScottOpen quote: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So what are you going to do?Michael ScottOpen quote: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Did they?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? (sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups) Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.
Scene 1716 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: We just passed the exit for Corcroan.Michael ScottOpen quote: What? What? We did?Dwight & MichaelOpen quote: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.Michael ScottOpen quote: Look at his face! Look at his face!Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are we doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.Michael ScottOpen quote: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.Michael ScottOpen quote: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: We're going to Utica?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh-huh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm not going to Utica right now.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.Michael & DwightOpen quote: (chanting) Utica! Utica! Utica!
Scene 1815 linesMichael & DwightOpen quote: (chanting) Utica! Utica!Michael ScottOpen quote: In your faceDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yow!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.Michael ScottOpen quote: Are you calling Karen?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I'm not calling Karen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He's lying.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep, get it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (throws Jim's cell phone out of the window) Gah-ah-hah-ha!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you kidding me?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No communication with the outside world Jim.Michael ScottOpen quote: It had to be done, it had to be done.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.
Scene 1918 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey Dwight, he found it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you really wanna know?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, God. (hangs up phone)Michael ScottOpen quote: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Or real bombs.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, not real bombs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: It could be badass. Yeah, it will.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no absolutely we are not doing this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?Michael ScottOpen quote: Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
Scene 201 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.
Scene 2124 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, you know what?Michael ScottOpen quote: ...awesome.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, I will start. Um, "A." (singing) "A" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um...Jim HalpertOpen quote: It doesn't matter.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm trying to think of what we could sell.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Doesn't matter.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?Jim HalpertOpen quote: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.Michael ScottOpen quote: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm peeing in this empty can.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God!Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael, watch the road!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, you're making me spray!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'll kill you man!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael! Michael, pull over!Michael ScottOpen quote: That is just so disgusting!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pull over, pull over!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think I cut my penis on the lid!
Scene 227 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?Andy BernardOpen quote: (joins them at the table) Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What are you doing?Andy BernardOpen quote: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.
Scene 231 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.
Scene 243 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.Andy BernardOpen quote: Why can't I be in the club?
Scene 2515 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Believe it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Guy's going by. Shh.Michael ScottOpen quote: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no, you won't do that. Nope.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's move! Move, move, move, move!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Scene 2612 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. (Kevin dumping change in the snack machine) And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Damn it!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It just- (Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine) To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Damn it! (banging machine)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Very brave. (Phyllis beeping microwave in the background)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Very brave choice also, I thought.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. (Phyllis still beeping the microwave) Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Popcorn.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.
Scene 273 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: So, Stanley, are you really outta here?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Yep, looks that way.Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.
Scene 2811 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (from the walkie-talkie) We are in a stairwell.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (from the walkie-talkie) We are climbing some stairs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm breathing heavily.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well...Michael ScottOpen quote: There's a guy, there's a guy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can see the security guard's eyes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no, don't do anything to them.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have to do something to his eyes.
Scene 3025 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.Michael ScottOpen quote: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Isn't that thing huge?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Aha! (crashing)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: My hip bone!Michael ScottOpen quote: We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't leave us!Michael ScottOpen quote: Save yourself!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, you gotta move!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Damn it guys!Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, could you move over a little bit.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm losing control of my bladder.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you say Karen?Michael ScottOpen quote: Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I'm not doing that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just say you wanna get back together.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I'm not doing that!Michael ScottOpen quote: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey Karen.
Scene 316 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Uh, what are you doing here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: First of all, hi.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: What are you doing here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Copy that.
Scene 321 lineKaren FilippelliOpen quote: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good.
Scene 3317 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I'm taking Stanley.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.Michael ScottOpen quote: (whispers) Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. (they get up to leave)Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Jim, hang on a second?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, trying to quit though.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you...Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (huffs)Jim HalpertOpen quote: I mean, it's just that- (clears throat) You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you...Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (slinking out of the room) Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I... will... (gives up and walks away)
Scene 341 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.
Scene 355 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. (knock on the door) I can't do this.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Michael? A word?Michael ScottOpen quote: Of course.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?
Scene 361 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? (laughs) Sometimes I say crazy things.
Scene 375 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (nods head yes)Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh-oh, come on!
Scene 3815 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Irish accent) Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay, did you get it out of your system.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Fun?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, that wasn't fun.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Did you even read it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Of course I read it.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: How does it end?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Who was the main character?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Angela. Nope. The ashes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (mouths "I'm sorry" to Oscar)