Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Survivor Man

Vol. 4 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Michael heads into the Pennsylvania woods with nothing but duct tape and a knife to prove his survival skills. Meanwhile, Jim deals with the chaos of birthday month back at Dunder Mifflin. Here's every single line from the episode so you can find your favorite quotes.

Scene 01

5 lines
Toby Flenderson
I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.
Meredith Palmer
I love camping. (in a singing voice) Anything can happen.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. (Michael walks in)
Michael Scott
Morning.
Toby Flenderson
Michael.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Scene 03

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Did you sleep in cabins?
Toby Flenderson
Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Phyllis Vance
Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. (Michael laughs)

Scene 04

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.

Scene 05

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Who went?
Toby Flenderson
Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." (everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room)

Scene 06

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience (Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside)
Michael Scott
(from outside) Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Toby Flenderson
Michael wasn't invited.

Scene 07

4 lines
Michael Scott
Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? (Jim makes a face) Not real.
Jim Halpert
Got it.
Michael Scott
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely, yes.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.

Scene 09

3 lines
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Michael Scott
Oh, you wanna go today?

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
And I am always busy.

Scene 11

16 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael Scott
How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim Halpert
Is there a limit?
Michael Scott
Your body only has a certain amount.
Jim Halpert
Well, is that it? Or?
Michael Scott
Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Jim Halpert
How so?
Michael Scott
A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? (makes a noise and gestures with his hands)
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Michael Scott
Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---
Jim Halpert
Right.
Michael Scott
In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Jim Halpert
Not gonna change.
Michael Scott
I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Jim Halpert
I thought we had that looked at.
Michael Scott
I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.

Scene 13

5 lines
Michael Scott
OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
Dwight Schrute
(winks) I'm on it. (leaves room)
Michael Scott
OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. (Dwight comes back with set of knives) Hey, what...
Dwight Schrute
Let's see if any of these will work. (clears the front of Michael's desk)
Michael Scott
Hey, hey hey! Dwight. (Dwight rolls out an assortment knives). Dwight.

Scene 14

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."

Scene 15

14 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.
Pam Beesly
Do you want me to ask where you're going?
Michael Scott
No.
Pam Beesly
Great.
Michael Scott
Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Michael Scott
Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim Halpert
Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Michael Scott
Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim Halpert
OK, great.
Michael Scott
This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Jim Halpert
Yup.
Michael Scott
When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim Halpert
That'd be great.

Scene 16

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.

Scene 17

15 lines
Michael Scott
This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight Schrute
No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael Scott
Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight Schrute
I would make sure that you were dead.
Michael Scott
Well...
Dwight Schrute
First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Michael Scott
You...
Dwight Schrute
And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael Scott
You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. (blindfolds eyes with tie) OK.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- (Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe) Ow! What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
It would be better if you were unconscious.
Michael Scott
No! Gosh! Dwight. (Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again) Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Dwight Schrute
Do you want to do this right or not?
Michael Scott
Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?

Scene 18

7 lines
Angela Martin
Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Jim Halpert
Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?
Angela Martin
Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?
Jim Halpert
I do remember, yeah.
Angela Martin
It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. (Jim exhales deeply) Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
Jim Halpert
You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?
Angela Martin
What?

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
(flashback to Stanley's birthday) Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

Scene 22

2 lines
Michael Scott
(flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator) Happy Birthday!
Kelly Kapoor
Ahhh!! (drops the papers she was holding)

Scene 23

2 lines
Michael Scott
(flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room) Happy Birthday!
Oscar Martinez
Ahhh! (runs into door and Michael laughs)

Scene 24

2 lines
Michael Scott
(flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car) Happy Birthday!
Phyllis Vance
Oh! (Michael laughs)

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Scene 26

7 lines
Jim Halpert
We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.
Angela Martin
I don't like it. (Angela leaves)
Pam Beesly
Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?
Jim Halpert
It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?
Pam Beesly
Do you think it's a good idea?
Jim Halpert
No... I think it's a great idea.
Pam Beesly
(smiles) Hmm.

Scene 27

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
We're here. (gets out of the car)
Michael Scott
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
Dwight Schrute
(leading Michael from car) Here we go. Just the two of us (gestures for camera crew to follow)

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets (leads Michael into some tall grass) Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.

Scene 30

7 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, try sending them another invoice.
Oscar Martinez
Ok.
Jim Halpert
Alright. (starts walking away, but returns) Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
Oscar Martinez
(picks up and reads memo) "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool.
Jim Halpert
Right? I was just thinking...
Oscar Martinez
No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Jim Halpert
Right! Exactly. (pats Oscar on the back and walks away) Knew I could count on you. (Oscar rolls his eyes)

Scene 31

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Good a spot as any. (They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles)
Michael Scott
What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --
Dwight Schrute
I'm just --
Michael Scott
Stop.
Dwight Schrute
Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. (stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off) Behold.
Michael Scott
Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.
Michael Scott
Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. (Dwight gives Michael a hug)
Dwight Schrute
Good luck, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. (Dwight runs off)

Scene 32

9 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Meredith Palmer
I really prefer devils food cake.
Jim Halpert
Oh, sure.
Meredith Palmer
Yes!
Jim Halpert
OK. (Meredith leaves)
Pam Beesly
Wow! That was easy.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, people like me I guess.
Creed Bratton
(knocking from outside window in break room) Jim.

Scene 33

13 lines
Creed Bratton
I hate devils food.
Jim Halpert
Well I think Meredith was just --
Creed Bratton
Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim Halpert
Everybody's birthday.
Creed Bratton
Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim Halpert
What do you want?
Creed Bratton
I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim Halpert
You want a birthday pie?
Creed Bratton
I want a nice cobbler.
Jim Halpert
Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Creed Bratton
I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
Jim Halpert
It will be Angela.
Creed Bratton
You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
(to own camcorder) Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about (looks at watch) 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. (cuts pants with knife) OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
There we go. (standing with short sleeves and short pants) Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts (ties jacket around neck).

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. (puts pant leg on head like a hat)

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
See, this is a beautiful piece of material (rips other pant leg in half) This could be used for all sorts of things.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Scene 40

13 lines
Andy Bernard
Tuna. (rolls in chair to Jim's desk)
Jim Halpert
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Jim Halpert
Not your birthday.
Andy Bernard
Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Jim Halpert
Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.
Andy Bernard
Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Andy Bernard
Loud and clear. (rolls in chair back to desk)
Jim Halpert
Alright. (Andy rolls back)
Andy Bernard
Pizza rolls.
Jim Halpert
OK, I'm gonna go into this office here (gets up and walks into Michael's office) to do some work. So I will be in here.
Andy Bernard
Mushroom caps.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. (screams) Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.

Scene 42

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. (pulls a nest from a tree) I hope he finds it. (picks up some bird eggs) Lunch.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.

Scene 44

1 line
Dwight Schrute
About two more minutes (cooking bird eggs).

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. (singing) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.

Scene 46

11 lines
Meredith Palmer
What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley Hudson
I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar Martinez
Why don't you just have an apple?
Stanley Hudson
Why don't you mind your business?
Creed Bratton
Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.
Oscar Martinez
Probably went to his head.
Creed Bratton
Yeah. (Jim enters room)
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Hey guys, what're we talking about?
Creed Bratton
Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy (pats a large tree trunk) may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.

Scene 48

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... (clicks rifle into safety mode) on.

Scene 49

15 lines
Toby Flenderson
(knocks) Hey Jim.
Jim Halpert
Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Jim Halpert
Oh, thanks man.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah...
Jim Halpert
Is there anything --
Toby Flenderson
My birthday was two months ago.
Jim Halpert
Oh, OK.
Toby Flenderson
There was no party.
Jim Halpert
What?
Toby Flenderson
Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim Halpert
I remember that.
Toby Flenderson
I don't know, I just thought you could include me.
Jim Halpert
Seriously?
Toby Flenderson
I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.

Scene 50

1 line
Jim Halpert
Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. (in Toby voice) I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.

Scene 51

10 lines
Jim Halpert
OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?
Angela Martin
No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Toby Flenderson
I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Jim Halpert
That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...(steps outside office) Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam Beesly
(raises hand) Conference room?
Jim Halpert
Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? (everyone raises hands) One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.
Angela Martin
What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'
Kevin Malone
Oh, I'll take 'em.
Creed Bratton
Well nobody's touching my cobbler.
Phyllis Vance
(raises hand) Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.

Scene 52

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Scene 53

2 lines
Michael Scott
Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those (points camera to mushrooms) are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. (puts them in mouth)
Dwight Schrute
Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! (runs up to Michael and knocks him over) Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. (picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth)

Scene 54

2 lines
Everyone
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday (Michael joins in with high note) to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. (Creed blows up candles on pie)
Michael Scott
Yeah! (everybody clapping) Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.

Scene 55

1 line
Michael Scott
Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. (shows off computer screen scenery) I can also make it the sky.

Scene 56

19 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, buddy.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
What up?
Jim Halpert
Sure glad you're back.
Michael Scott
You are relieved.
Jim Halpert
You have no idea.
Michael Scott
So what did I miss?
Jim Halpert
Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Jim Halpert
So, terrible idea.
Michael Scott
Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim Halpert
You did do it?
Michael Scott
Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim Halpert
Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael Scott
That's what I said. That's what she said.
Jim Halpert
That's what who said?
Michael Scott
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim Halpert
That's what she said.
Michael Scott
Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.