Scene 015 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I love camping. (in a singing voice) Anything can happen.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. (Michael walks in)Michael ScottOpen quote: Morning.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael.
Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Scene 033 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Did you sleep in cabins?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. (Michael laughs)
Scene 041 linePhyllis VanceOpen quote: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.
Scene 052 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Who went?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." (everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room)
Scene 063 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience (Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside)Michael ScottOpen quote: (from outside) Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael wasn't invited.
Scene 074 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? (Jim makes a face) Not real.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Got it.Michael ScottOpen quote: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Absolutely, yes.
Scene 093 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, you wanna go today?
Scene 1116 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.Michael ScottOpen quote: How often can you actually donate blood?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is there a limit?Michael ScottOpen quote: Your body only has a certain amount.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, is that it? Or?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How so?Michael ScottOpen quote: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? (makes a noise and gestures with his hands)Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's that?Michael ScottOpen quote: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right.Michael ScottOpen quote: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not gonna change.Michael ScottOpen quote: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought we had that looked at.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.
Scene 121 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.
Scene 135 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (winks) I'm on it. (leaves room)Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. (Dwight comes back with set of knives) Hey, what...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's see if any of these will work. (clears the front of Michael's desk)Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. (Dwight rolls out an assortment knives). Dwight.
Scene 141 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
Scene 1514 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you want me to ask where you're going?Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, great.Michael ScottOpen quote: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yup.Michael ScottOpen quote: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That'd be great.
Scene 161 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.
Scene 1715 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I would make sure that you were dead.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.Michael ScottOpen quote: You...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.Michael ScottOpen quote: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. (blindfolds eyes with tie) OK.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you doing?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- (Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe) Ow! What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It would be better if you were unconscious.Michael ScottOpen quote: No! Gosh! Dwight. (Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again) Stop it, stop it! Stop it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you want to do this right or not?Michael ScottOpen quote: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
Scene 187 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I do remember, yeah.Angela MartinOpen quote: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. (Jim exhales deeply) Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?Angela MartinOpen quote: What?
Scene 191 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.
Scene 201 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (flashback to Stanley's birthday) Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
Scene 211 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.
Scene 222 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator) Happy Birthday!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Ahhh!! (drops the papers she was holding)
Scene 232 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room) Happy Birthday!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Ahhh! (runs into door and Michael laughs)
Scene 242 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car) Happy Birthday!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh! (Michael laughs)
Scene 251 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
Scene 267 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't like it. (Angela leaves)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you think it's a good idea?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No... I think it's a great idea.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (smiles) Hmm.
Scene 273 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: We're here. (gets out of the car)Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (leading Michael from car) Here we go. Just the two of us (gestures for camera crew to follow)
Scene 281 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?
Scene 291 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets (leads Michael into some tall grass) Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.
Scene 307 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You know, try sending them another invoice.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Ok.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright. (starts walking away, but returns) Oh, did you see my memo by the way?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (picks up and reads memo) "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right? I was just thinking...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right! Exactly. (pats Oscar on the back and walks away) Knew I could count on you. (Oscar rolls his eyes)
Scene 3110 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Good a spot as any. (They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles)Michael ScottOpen quote: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm just --Michael ScottOpen quote: Stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. (stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off) Behold.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. (Dwight gives Michael a hug)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good luck, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. (Dwight runs off)
Scene 329 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's that?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I really prefer devils food cake.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, sure.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yes!Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK. (Meredith leaves)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow! That was easy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, people like me I guess.Creed BrattonOpen quote: (knocking from outside window in break room) Jim.
Scene 3313 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: I hate devils food.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well I think Meredith was just --Creed BrattonOpen quote: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Everybody's birthday.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What do you want?Creed BrattonOpen quote: I want pie. I want peach pie.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You want a birthday pie?Creed BrattonOpen quote: I want a nice cobbler.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.Creed BrattonOpen quote: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It will be Angela.Creed BrattonOpen quote: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
Scene 341 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (to own camcorder) Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about (looks at watch) 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. (cuts pants with knife) OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
Scene 351 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
Scene 361 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: There we go. (standing with short sleeves and short pants) Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts (ties jacket around neck).
Scene 371 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. (puts pant leg on head like a hat)
Scene 381 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: See, this is a beautiful piece of material (rips other pant leg in half) This could be used for all sorts of things.
Scene 4013 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Tuna. (rolls in chair to Jim's desk)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not your birthday.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.Andy BernardOpen quote: Loud and clear. (rolls in chair back to desk)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright. (Andy rolls back)Andy BernardOpen quote: Pizza rolls.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here (gets up and walks into Michael's office) to do some work. So I will be in here.Andy BernardOpen quote: Mushroom caps.
Scene 411 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. (screams) Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.
Scene 421 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. (pulls a nest from a tree) I hope he finds it. (picks up some bird eggs) Lunch.
Scene 431 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.
Scene 451 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. (singing) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.
Scene 4611 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why don't you just have an apple?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Why don't you mind your business?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Probably went to his head.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Yeah. (Jim enters room)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey guys, what're we talking about?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.
Scene 471 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy (pats a large tree trunk) may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.
Scene 481 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... (clicks rifle into safety mode) on.
Scene 4915 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: (knocks) Hey Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Toby.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, thanks man.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is there anything --Toby FlendersonOpen quote: My birthday was two months ago.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, OK.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: There was no party.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I remember that.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Seriously?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.
Scene 501 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. (in Toby voice) I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.
Scene 5110 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?Angela MartinOpen quote: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm allergic to mushrooms.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...(steps outside office) Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (raises hand) Conference room?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? (everyone raises hands) One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.Angela MartinOpen quote: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, I'll take 'em.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (raises hand) Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Scene 521 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
Scene 532 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those (points camera to mushrooms) are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. (puts them in mouth)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! (runs up to Michael and knocks him over) Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. (picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth)
Scene 542 linesEveryoneOpen quote: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday (Michael joins in with high note) to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. (Creed blows up candles on pie)Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah! (everybody clapping) Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.
Scene 551 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. (shows off computer screen scenery) I can also make it the sky.
Scene 5619 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, buddy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: What up?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sure glad you're back.Michael ScottOpen quote: You are relieved.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You have no idea.Michael ScottOpen quote: So what did I miss?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So, terrible idea.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You did do it?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what I said. That's what she said.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's what who said?Michael ScottOpen quote: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's what she said.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.