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Season 4 Episode 7
Survivor Man

Every line from The Office episode "Survivor Man", season 4 episode 7.

Toby Flenderson: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.
Meredith Palmer: I love camping. (in a singing voice) Anything can happen.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. (Michael walks in)
Michael Scott: Morning.
Toby Flenderson: Michael.
Pam Beesly: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Pam Beesly: Did you sleep in cabins?
Toby Flenderson: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Phyllis Vance: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. (Michael laughs)
Phyllis Vance: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.
Pam Beesly: Who went?
Toby Flenderson: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." (everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room)
Toby Flenderson: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience (Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside)
Michael Scott: (from outside) Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Toby Flenderson: Michael wasn't invited.
Michael Scott: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? (Jim makes a face) Not real.
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Michael Scott: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, yes.
Jim Halpert: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Oh, you wanna go today?
Jim Halpert: And I am always busy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael Scott: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim Halpert: Is there a limit?
Michael Scott: Your body only has a certain amount.
Jim Halpert: Well, is that it? Or?
Michael Scott: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Jim Halpert: How so?
Michael Scott: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? (makes a noise and gestures with his hands)
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Michael Scott: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---
Jim Halpert: Right.
Michael Scott: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Jim Halpert: Not gonna change.
Michael Scott: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Jim Halpert: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael Scott: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.
Michael Scott: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.
Michael Scott: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
Dwight Schrute: (winks) I'm on it. (leaves room)
Michael Scott: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. (Dwight comes back with set of knives) Hey, what...
Dwight Schrute: Let's see if any of these will work. (clears the front of Michael's desk)
Michael Scott: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. (Dwight rolls out an assortment knives). Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
Michael Scott: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.
Pam Beesly: Do you want me to ask where you're going?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam Beesly: Great.
Michael Scott: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Michael Scott: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim Halpert: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Michael Scott: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim Halpert: OK, great.
Michael Scott: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Michael Scott: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim Halpert: That'd be great.
Dwight Schrute: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.
Michael Scott: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight Schrute: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael Scott: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight Schrute: I would make sure that you were dead.
Michael Scott: Well...
Dwight Schrute: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Michael Scott: You...
Dwight Schrute: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael Scott: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. (blindfolds eyes with tie) OK.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- (Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe) Ow! What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: It would be better if you were unconscious.
Michael Scott: No! Gosh! Dwight. (Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again) Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Dwight Schrute: Do you want to do this right or not?
Michael Scott: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
Angela Martin: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Jim Halpert: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?
Angela Martin: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?
Jim Halpert: I do remember, yeah.
Angela Martin: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. (Jim exhales deeply) Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
Jim Halpert: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?
Angela Martin: What?
Jim Halpert: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.
Michael Scott: (flashback to Stanley's birthday) Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
Jim Halpert: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.
Michael Scott: (flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator) Happy Birthday!
Kelly Kapoor: Ahhh!! (drops the papers she was holding)
Michael Scott: (flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room) Happy Birthday!
Oscar Martinez: Ahhh! (runs into door and Michael laughs)
Michael Scott: (flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car) Happy Birthday!
Phyllis Vance: Oh! (Michael laughs)
Jim Halpert: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
Jim Halpert: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.
Angela Martin: I don't like it. (Angela leaves)
Pam Beesly: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?
Jim Halpert: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?
Pam Beesly: Do you think it's a good idea?
Jim Halpert: No... I think it's a great idea.
Pam Beesly: (smiles) Hmm.
Dwight Schrute: We're here. (gets out of the car)
Michael Scott: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
Dwight Schrute: (leading Michael from car) Here we go. Just the two of us (gestures for camera crew to follow)
Dwight Schrute: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?
Dwight Schrute: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets (leads Michael into some tall grass) Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.
Jim Halpert: You know, try sending them another invoice.
Oscar Martinez: Ok.
Jim Halpert: Alright. (starts walking away, but returns) Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
Oscar Martinez: (picks up and reads memo) "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool.
Jim Halpert: Right? I was just thinking...
Oscar Martinez: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Jim Halpert: Right! Exactly. (pats Oscar on the back and walks away) Knew I could count on you. (Oscar rolls his eyes)
Dwight Schrute: Good a spot as any. (They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles)
Michael Scott: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --
Dwight Schrute: I'm just --
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight Schrute: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. (stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off) Behold.
Michael Scott: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.
Michael Scott: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. (Dwight gives Michael a hug)
Dwight Schrute: Good luck, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. (Dwight runs off)
Meredith Palmer: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Meredith Palmer: I really prefer devils food cake.
Jim Halpert: Oh, sure.
Meredith Palmer: Yes!
Jim Halpert: OK. (Meredith leaves)
Pam Beesly: Wow! That was easy.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, people like me I guess.
Creed Bratton: (knocking from outside window in break room) Jim.
Creed Bratton: I hate devils food.
Jim Halpert: Well I think Meredith was just --
Creed Bratton: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim Halpert: Everybody's birthday.
Creed Bratton: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim Halpert: What do you want?
Creed Bratton: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim Halpert: You want a birthday pie?
Creed Bratton: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Creed Bratton: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
Jim Halpert: It will be Angela.
Creed Bratton: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
Michael Scott: (to own camcorder) Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about (looks at watch) 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. (cuts pants with knife) OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
Dwight Schrute: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
Michael Scott: There we go. (standing with short sleeves and short pants) Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts (ties jacket around neck).
Michael Scott: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. (puts pant leg on head like a hat)
Michael Scott: See, this is a beautiful piece of material (rips other pant leg in half) This could be used for all sorts of things.
Michael Scott: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
Andy Bernard: Tuna. (rolls in chair to Jim's desk)
Jim Halpert: Andy.
Andy Bernard: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Jim Halpert: Not your birthday.
Andy Bernard: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Jim Halpert: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.
Andy Bernard: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Andy Bernard: Loud and clear. (rolls in chair back to desk)
Jim Halpert: Alright. (Andy rolls back)
Andy Bernard: Pizza rolls.
Jim Halpert: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here (gets up and walks into Michael's office) to do some work. So I will be in here.
Andy Bernard: Mushroom caps.
Michael Scott: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. (screams) Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.
Dwight Schrute: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. (pulls a nest from a tree) I hope he finds it. (picks up some bird eggs) Lunch.
Michael Scott: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.
Dwight Schrute: About two more minutes (cooking bird eggs).
Michael Scott: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. (singing) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.
Meredith Palmer: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley Hudson: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar Martinez: Why don't you just have an apple?
Stanley Hudson: Why don't you mind your business?
Creed Bratton: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.
Oscar Martinez: Probably went to his head.
Creed Bratton: Yeah. (Jim enters room)
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Hey guys, what're we talking about?
Creed Bratton: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.
Michael Scott: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy (pats a large tree trunk) may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.
Dwight Schrute: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... (clicks rifle into safety mode) on.
Toby Flenderson: (knocks) Hey Jim.
Jim Halpert: Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thanks man.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah...
Jim Halpert: Is there anything --
Toby Flenderson: My birthday was two months ago.
Jim Halpert: Oh, OK.
Toby Flenderson: There was no party.
Jim Halpert: What?
Toby Flenderson: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim Halpert: I remember that.
Toby Flenderson: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.
Jim Halpert: Seriously?
Toby Flenderson: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.
Jim Halpert: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. (in Toby voice) I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.
Jim Halpert: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?
Angela Martin: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Toby Flenderson: I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Jim Halpert: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...(steps outside office) Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam Beesly: (raises hand) Conference room?
Jim Halpert: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? (everyone raises hands) One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.
Angela Martin: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'
Kevin Malone: Oh, I'll take 'em.
Creed Bratton: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.
Phyllis Vance: (raises hand) Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Jim Halpert: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
Michael Scott: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those (points camera to mushrooms) are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. (puts them in mouth)
Dwight Schrute: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! (runs up to Michael and knocks him over) Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. (picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth)
Everyone: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday (Michael joins in with high note) to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. (Creed blows up candles on pie)
Michael Scott: Yeah! (everybody clapping) Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.
Michael Scott: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. (shows off computer screen scenery) I can also make it the sky.
Michael Scott: Hey, buddy.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: What up?
Jim Halpert: Sure glad you're back.
Michael Scott: You are relieved.
Jim Halpert: You have no idea.
Michael Scott: So what did I miss?
Jim Halpert: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Jim Halpert: So, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim Halpert: You did do it?
Michael Scott: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael Scott: That's what I said. That's what she said.
Jim Halpert: That's what who said?
Michael Scott: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim Halpert: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 4. Survivor Man is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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