Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Deposition

Vol. 4 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Michael finds himself in a real pickle between Jan and Dunder Mifflin, and you can catch every line from their legal showdown right here. From the 'that's what she said' jokes on the record to the sad reveal of Michael's diary, this page covers the whole script. You'll also see the warehouse ping pong drama where Kelly's smack talk finally pushes Pam over the edge.

Scene 01

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
So the figures show improvement right there, Michael. And again- (Pam walks in and shows Michael a note)
Michael Scott
I'll call back.
Kevin Malone
You never call back.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
(Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says "Good Morning") Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back.

Scene 04

3 lines
Jan Levinson
(laughing)
Michael Scott
You can't always work 200 days though.
Michael Scott
(Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face) Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. (Jan looks impressed)

Scene 05

10 lines
Ryan Howard
You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Ryan Howard
I can get you a tutor if you need- (Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying "Hiya Buddy")
Michael Scott
Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.
Ryan Howard
Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call.
Michael Scott
N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.
Ryan Howard
Take the call, friend.
Michael Scott
I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist.
Ryan Howard
I insist you take your work calls.
Michael Scott
Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? (Pam pushes a button the phone) Hi buddy.

Scene 06

23 lines
Jan Levinson
I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I hate that.
Jan Levinson
Good.
Michael Scott
So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan Levinson
And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Michael Scott
Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan Levinson
Um, no, I want it up. My hair.
Michael Scott
Well-
Jan Levinson
Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior.
Michael Scott
Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan Levinson
Does this work for you?
Michael Scott
Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.
Jan Levinson
Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky.
Michael Scott
Million dollars!
Jan Levinson
Four million.
Michael Scott
Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized.
Jan Levinson
No, Michael. Oh, come on.
Michael Scott
Perfect crime.
Jan Levinson
Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.
Michael Scott
Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good.
Jan Levinson
Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down.
Michael Scott
I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up.
Jan Levinson
All right, fine, just a second. Hold on.

Scene 07

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Lester
A good start. And I think it's busload.
Michael Scott
Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. (To Jan) Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is.
Ryan Howard
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey hey.
Ryan Howard
I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.

Scene 08

6 lines
Ryan Howard
Could we talk off the record? As friends?
Michael Scott
I would love that.
Ryan Howard
Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand?
Michael Scott
Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company.
Ryan Howard
Good. That is great to hear.
Michael Scott
It is.

Scene 09

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
(playing ping-pong) Game, son!
Jim Halpert
All right, let's run it back.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.

Scene 11

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?
Pam Beesly
Hi, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Guess whose boyfriend it is?
Pam Beesly
I don't wanna guess.
Kelly Kapoor
I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here (points to Jim).

Scene 12

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact so I got the evidence right there.

Scene 13

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Jim. Can I see you for a second?
Jim Halpert
Sure.

Scene 14

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Pam Beesly
Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I can't beat Darryl.
Pam Beesly
Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.
Jim Halpert
What, seriously? What is she saying?

Scene 15

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(flashback, to Pam) Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.

Scene 16

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(flashback, to Pam) Jim couldn't hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon.

Scene 17

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(flashback, to Pam) Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping pong?

Scene 18

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?
Pam Beesly
Sorta, yes.
Jim Halpert
Bring me players.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 19

9 lines
Diane Kelly
Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel.
Michael Scott
Hi. (Michael sees Toby) No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?
Diane
Toby?
Michael Scott
Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?
Toby Flenderson
Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side.
Michael Scott
Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.
Jan Levinson
Michael, just relax, okay?
Diane
You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So..
Michael Scott
Okay. All right.

Scene 20

5 lines
Deposition Reporter
Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Michael Scott
Yessh.
Lester
Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?
Michael Scott
Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Lester
Oh. Very good. Well put.

Scene 21

1 line
Jan Levinson
People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Scene 22

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you.
Kevin Malone
About what?
Pam Beesly
He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Kevin Malone
Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room.
Kevin Malone
(enters conference room and sees ping pong table) Oh, awesome! (Pam puts "Meeting in Progress" sign on the door)

Scene 23

20 lines
Lester
How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael Scott
I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief
Lester
How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael Scott
Six years and two months.
Lester
And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael Scott
That's what she said.
Lester
Excuse me?
Michael Scott
That's what she said.
Lester
Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?
Michael Scott
Uh, wh-why would she say that?
Jan Levinson
Can we just move on to another question?
Diane
No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this?
Lester
With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position.
Michael Scott
Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.
Jan Levinson
Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?
Lester
Oh, are you sure?
Jan Levinson
Uh, yes.
Lester
Can you go back to where this digression began?
Deposition Reporter
(reading off paper) Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said.
Michael Scott
Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it.

Scene 24

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(Pam leaving bathroom, Kelly entering, awkward moment, Pam steps aside to let Kelly in) Yeah, that's what I thought.

Scene 25

27 lines
Lester
Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael Scott
She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Lester
Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael Scott
Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.
Lester
You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Lester
She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?
Michael Scott
Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.
Lester
What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?
Michael Scott
Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.
Lester
Interesting. How so?
Michael Scott
Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. (makes a gasping sound)
Diane
Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?
Michael Scott
I will allow it.
Diane
Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. (Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica)
Michael Scott
Uh...
Diane
That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?
Michael Scott
Uh-huh.
Diane
And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Michael Scott
Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define "begin". I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago.
Diane
Wait, excuse me?
Michael Scott
If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that.
Lester
Could we take a short break?
Diane
No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here?
Michael Scott
Line.
Diane
I'm sorry, what?
Man
He asked for a line, like in a play.

Scene 26

1 line
Deposition Reporter
(reading off paper) "Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?" "I did?" "Yes you did." "Can I go to the bathroom?" "No." "I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water." "You went five minutes ago." "That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question." "You still have to answer it." "First can I go to the bathroom?" "No."

Scene 27

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Good game Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
Don't patronize me.
Dwight Schrute
All right! What is going on here?
Jim Halpert
Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?

Scene 28

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong, and Dwight scores) What the hell?
Dwight Schrute
I told you.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J�rg Ro�kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Scene 30

13 lines
Michael Scott
Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Diane Kelly
Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Lester
Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Michael Scott
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Lester
This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. "Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie."
Michael Scott
Irie.
Lester
Irie, sorry. "More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael." It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct?
Diane Kelly
We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
Michael Scott
I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
Diane Kelly
It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
Man
OK, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Toby Flenderson
Um, can you make it eleven?
Man
Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.

Scene 31

2 lines
Michael Scott
(looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table) Can I sit here?
Toby Flenderson
(nods) ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... (Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off)

Scene 32

8 lines
Michael Scott
How can you give up my diary like that?
Jan Levinson
I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this.
Michael Scott
How'd you even find it?
Jan Levinson
You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Michael Scott
I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.
Jan Levinson
Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael Scott
Fine. I love you.
Jan Levinson
I love you too.

Scene 33

18 lines
Diane Kelly
(looking at a copy of Michael's diary) Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as "Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way."
Michael Scott
Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend.
Lester
Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person.
Toby Flenderson
(laughs out loud) Excuse me.
Michael Scott
Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Diane Kelly
OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael Scott
Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane Kelly
Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael Scott
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... (Jan glares at Michael) ...of water.
Diane Kelly
Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? (slides the performance review towards Michael)
Michael Scott
March 17th.
Diane Kelly
And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Diane Kelly
You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.
Michael Scott
(reading the performance review) "I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs."
Diane Kelly
Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?
Michael Scott
(stares at Diane, eyes tearing up)
Diane Kelly
Mr. Scott?

Scene 34

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong) How's it going?
Dwight Schrute
Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Jim Halpert
Check this out though, spin serve. (serves, and Dwight scores) Well, it works like 80% of the time, so...
Pam Beesly
Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?
Jim Halpert
I think I'm ready.
Pam Beesly
I'll make the call.
Dwight Schrute
Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.
Jim Halpert
...Right. Spin-serve! (serves, and Dwight scores)

Scene 35

12 lines
Michael Scott
How can you do that to me?
Jan Levinson
(looks at Lester)
Lester
You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record.
Jan Levinson
Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.
Michael Scott
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it.
Jan Levinson
Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.
Lester
Starting at paragraph 6. Council: "Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?" David Wallace: "Yes."
Michael Scott
See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
Lester
Council: "Was he your first choice?" David Wallace: "Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years."
Council
"Was he in the top 5 of contenders?" David Wallace: "What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered." Council: "Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?" David Wallace: "No."
Lester
I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees?
Michael Scott
...Absolutely not.

Scene 36

16 lines
Pam Beesly
(watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl) Yes! Way to go. (looks at Kelly) See that?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point.
Darryl Philbin
19, serving 4. (serves and scores)
Kelly Kapoor
Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! (starts singing) Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong!
Pam Beesly
You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me!
Kelly Kapoor
What?
Pam Beesly
Let's go. Pick up a paddle.
Kelly Kapoor
OK. Bring it on.
Pam Beesly
I am.
Kelly Kapoor
Think you can handle this?
Pam Beesly
In my sleep.
Kelly Kapoor
OK. Volley for serve, P. (serves)
Pam Beesly
O. (hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net) (serves) P.
Kelly Kapoor
O. (hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net)
Jim Halpert
Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?
Darryl Philbin
Yes.

Scene 37

7 lines
David Wallace
Michael. I am very sorry.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey no biggie. Just...
David Wallace
No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry.
Michael Scott
(nods and shakes hands with David Wallace) Hey, David?
David Wallace
Yeah?
Michael Scott
I think you're a nice guy too.
David Wallace
Thanks, Michael.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Scene 39

6 lines
Michael Scott
(Driving with Jan in the car) What do you want to do for dinner?
Jan Levinson
How about Chinese?
Michael Scott
Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Jan Levinson
That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Michael Scott
Do you fast food?
Jan Levinson
Fine, fast food's fine.