Every line from The Office episode "The Deposition", season 4 episode 8.
Michael Scott: You can't always work 200 days though.
Michael Scott: (Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face) Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. (Jan looks impressed)
Ryan Howard: You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this.
Ryan Howard: I can get you a tutor if you need- (Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying "Hiya Buddy")
Michael Scott: Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.
Ryan Howard: Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call.
Michael Scott: N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.
Ryan Howard: Take the call, friend.
Michael Scott: I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist.
Ryan Howard: I insist you take your work calls.
Michael Scott: Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? (Pam pushes a button the phone) Hi buddy.
Jan Levinson: I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hate that.
Michael Scott: So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan Levinson: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan Levinson: Um, no, I want it up. My hair.
Jan Levinson: Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior.
Michael Scott: Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan Levinson: Does this work for you?
Michael Scott: Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.
Jan Levinson: Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky.
Michael Scott: Million dollars!
Jan Levinson: Four million.
Michael Scott: Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized.
Jan Levinson: No, Michael. Oh, come on.
Michael Scott: Perfect crime.
Jan Levinson: Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.
Michael Scott: Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good.
Jan Levinson: Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down.
Michael Scott: I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up.
Jan Levinson: All right, fine, just a second. Hold on.
Michael Scott: Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Lester: A good start. And I think it's busload.
Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. (To Jan) Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is.
Ryan Howard: Hey Michael.
Ryan Howard: I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.
Ryan Howard: Could we talk off the record? As friends?
Michael Scott: I would love that.
Ryan Howard: Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company.
Ryan Howard: Good. That is great to hear.
Kelly Kapoor: What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?
Kelly Kapoor: Guess whose boyfriend it is?
Pam Beesly: I don't wanna guess.
Kelly Kapoor: I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here (points to Jim).
Pam Beesly: Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I can't beat Darryl.
Pam Beesly: Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.
Jim Halpert: What, seriously? What is she saying?
Diane Kelly: Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel.
Michael Scott: Hi. (Michael sees Toby) No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?
Michael Scott: Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?
Toby Flenderson: Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side.
Michael Scott: Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.
Jan Levinson: Michael, just relax, okay?
Diane: You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So..
Michael Scott: Okay. All right.
Deposition Reporter: Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Lester: Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?
Michael Scott: Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Lester: Oh. Very good. Well put.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you.
Kevin Malone: About what?
Pam Beesly: He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Kevin Malone: Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room.
Kevin Malone: (enters conference room and sees ping pong table) Oh, awesome! (Pam puts "Meeting in Progress" sign on the door)
Lester: How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael Scott: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief
Lester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael Scott: Six years and two months.
Lester: And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Lester: Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?
Michael Scott: Uh, wh-why would she say that?
Jan Levinson: Can we just move on to another question?
Diane: No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this?
Lester: With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position.
Michael Scott: Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.
Jan Levinson: Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?
Lester: Oh, are you sure?
Lester: Can you go back to where this digression began?
Deposition Reporter: (reading off paper) Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it.
Lester: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael Scott: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Lester: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael Scott: Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.
Lester: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.
Lester: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?
Michael Scott: Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.
Lester: What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?
Michael Scott: Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.
Lester: Interesting. How so?
Michael Scott: Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. (makes a gasping sound)
Diane: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?
Michael Scott: I will allow it.
Diane: Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. (Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica)
Diane: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?
Diane: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Michael Scott: Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define "begin". I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago.
Michael Scott: If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that.
Lester: Could we take a short break?
Diane: No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here?
Man: He asked for a line, like in a play.
Jim Halpert: Good game Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: Don't patronize me.
Dwight Schrute: All right! What is going on here?
Jim Halpert: Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?
Michael Scott: Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Diane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Lester: Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Michael Scott: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Lester: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. "Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie."
Lester: Irie, sorry. "More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael." It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct?
Diane Kelly: We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
Michael Scott: I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
Diane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
Man: OK, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Toby Flenderson: Um, can you make it eleven?
Man: Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.
Michael Scott: (looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table) Can I sit here?
Toby Flenderson: (nods) ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... (Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off)
Michael Scott: How can you give up my diary like that?
Jan Levinson: I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this.
Michael Scott: How'd you even find it?
Jan Levinson: You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Michael Scott: I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.
Jan Levinson: Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael Scott: Fine. I love you.
Jan Levinson: I love you too.
Diane Kelly: (looking at a copy of Michael's diary) Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as "Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way."
Michael Scott: Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend.
Lester: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person.
Toby Flenderson: (laughs out loud) Excuse me.
Michael Scott: Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Diane Kelly: OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael Scott: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... (Jan glares at Michael) ...of water.
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? (slides the performance review towards Michael)
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct?
Diane Kelly: You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: (reading the performance review) "I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?
Michael Scott: (stares at Diane, eyes tearing up)
Pam Beesly: (walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong) How's it going?
Dwight Schrute: Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Jim Halpert: Check this out though, spin serve. (serves, and Dwight scores) Well, it works like 80% of the time, so...
Pam Beesly: Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?
Jim Halpert: I think I'm ready.
Pam Beesly: I'll make the call.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.
Jim Halpert: ...Right. Spin-serve! (serves, and Dwight scores)
Michael Scott: How can you do that to me?
Jan Levinson: (looks at Lester)
Lester: You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record.
Jan Levinson: Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.
Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it.
Jan Levinson: Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.
Lester: Starting at paragraph 6. Council: "Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?" David Wallace: "Yes."
Michael Scott: See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
Lester: Council: "Was he your first choice?" David Wallace: "Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years."
Council: "Was he in the top 5 of contenders?" David Wallace: "What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered." Council: "Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?" David Wallace: "No."
Lester: I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees?
Michael Scott: ...Absolutely not.
Pam Beesly: (watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl) Yes! Way to go. (looks at Kelly) See that?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point.
Darryl Philbin: 19, serving 4. (serves and scores)
Kelly Kapoor: Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! (starts singing) Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong!
Pam Beesly: You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me!
Pam Beesly: Let's go. Pick up a paddle.
Kelly Kapoor: OK. Bring it on.
Kelly Kapoor: Think you can handle this?
Kelly Kapoor: OK. Volley for serve, P. (serves)
Pam Beesly: O. (hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net) (serves) P.
Kelly Kapoor: O. (hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net)
Jim Halpert: Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?
David Wallace: Michael. I am very sorry.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey no biggie. Just...
David Wallace: No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry.
Michael Scott: (nods and shakes hands with David Wallace) Hey, David?
Michael Scott: I think you're a nice guy too.
David Wallace: Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: (Driving with Jan in the car) What do you want to do for dinner?
Jan Levinson: How about Chinese?
Michael Scott: Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Jan Levinson: That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Michael Scott: Do you fast food?
Jan Levinson: Fine, fast food's fine.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 8 season 4. The Deposition is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.