Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dinner Party

Vol. 4 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Every "babe" and "snip-snap" is accounted for in this complete collection of lines from the night Michael and Jan finally broke. You'll find the full script from the moment Jim and Pam walk into that "oaky afterbirth" aroma until the police show up. It's the best way to relive the tiny TV and the candle-making workspace without the actual social anxiety.

Scene 01

11 lines
Stanley Hudson
This is ridiculous.
Phyllis Vance
Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?
Michael Scott
Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. (to Jim) Do you have plans tonight?
Jim Halpert
Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working.
Michael Scott
Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! (on phone) This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! (hangs up) Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you Michael.
Michael Scott
All right, happy Friday. (to Jim) Well I think we dodged a bullet there.
Jim Halpert
I think you did.
Michael Scott
I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I-
Michael Scott
You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.

Scene 03

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael, what time should I be arriving?
Michael Scott
Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy.
Andy Bernard
Hey-o!

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? (breaks down crying)

Scene 05

27 lines
Jan Levinson
Hi.
Michael Scott
Hello.
Jim Halpert
Hi.
Jan Levinson
How are you?
Michael Scott
Come on in. Good to see you.
Jan Levinson
Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?
Michael Scott
Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?
Jim Halpert
Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Michael Scott
Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Michael Scott
Except driving.
Pam Beesly
We got you this. (gives a bottle of wine)
Jan Levinson
Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with.
Michael Scott
Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
Pam Beesly
It's really nice.
Jan Levinson
So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?
Jim Halpert
Tour, let's do the tour first.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jan Levinson
Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?
Michael Scott
Totally your call babe.
Jan Levinson
Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs.
Jim Halpert
Oh, you guys doing a little construction?
Michael Scott
Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Jan Levinson
Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here.
Michael Scott
Well, thats...

Scene 06

28 lines
Jan Levinson
This is my office.
Michael Scott
Yep, never been used.
Jan Levinson
Not super exciting.
Michael Scott
No.
Jan Levinson
And this is my workspace.
Michael Scott
This is it, check that out, can you smell that? (the room is filled with candles that say "Serenity by Jan")
Pam Beesly
Uh-huh.
Michael Scott
As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
Pam Beesly
So you have an office and a workspace?
Jan Levinson
I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. (puts a candle to Jim's nose) Smell.
Jim Halpert
It's fire.
Jan Levinson
Uh-huh, Bonfire.
Michael Scott
Bond.
Jan Levinson
Men love this one.
Michael Scott
James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. (clicks tongue)
Jan Levinson
When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away.
Jim Halpert
Just like that.
Jan Levinson
Just like that.
Jan Levinson
So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.
Michael Scott
Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Jan Levinson
(puts away video camera facing the bed) Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Michael Scott
Well, I-
Jan Levinson
Shame on you.
Pam Beesly
What a cute bench.
Michael Scott
Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Jim Halpert
Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.
Michael Scott
It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. (Lies down)
Jan Levinson
See, he fits perfectly.

Scene 07

35 lines
Michael Scott
I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. (reveals a tiny TV) I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? (moves TV back a couple inches) Voila, right in the wall.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Michael Scott
Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.
Jim Halpert
What is that chestnut?
Michael Scott
No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.
Jan Levinson
It's pine.
Jim Halpert
Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.
Jan Levinson
Really?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael Scott
If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.
Jan Levinson
I bet you are.
Jim Halpert
Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.
Jan Levinson
It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said "Honey keep the trophies."
Michael Scott
Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.
Jan Levinson
(doorbell) Oh, excuse us just a second.
Michael Scott
I'll get it.
Jan Levinson
(Andy and Angela enter) So glad you're finally able to be here.
Angela Martin
(Michael tries to hug Angela) No, no.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Andy Bernard
Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? (to Pam) I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! (to Jan) These are for you. (hands flowers)
Jan Levinson
Oh, how thoughtful.
Michael Scott
Very nice.
Andy Bernard
Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.
Jan Levinson
Aw.
Angela Martin
What am I supposed to do with this?
Jan Levinson
How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?
Pam Beesly
Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Jan Levinson
Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done.
Pam Beesly
Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?
Jan Levinson
You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight.
Michael Scott
When in Rome.
Jan Levinson
Do you have a preference, upstairs first?
Michael Scott
Whatever you say babe.
Jan Levinson
Follow me.
Michael Scott
All right.

Scene 08

11 lines
Michael Scott
How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Everyone
Cheers.
Michael Scott
Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim Halpert
What was that?
Jan Levinson
So music, should we turn some music?
Michael Scott
Yeah that sounds good.
Jan Levinson
Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.
Hunter's CD
You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah.
Michael Scott
You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.
Jan Levinson
Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Angela Martin
Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.

Scene 09

1 line
Pam Beesly
(To camera) I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party.

Scene 10

17 lines
Andy Bernard
(playing charades) No it's a... hump. There's a hump.
Jan Levinson
Joe Camel!
Andy Bernard
Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Pam Beesly
Montana.
Jan Levinson
Oh!
Pam Beesly
Joe Montana!
Andy Bernard
Yes! Yes.
Pam Beesly
Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?
Michael Scott
All right, (rhythim clapping) my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.
Jan Levinson
Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?
Michael Scott
What, no, I'm just making people laugh.
Jan Levinson
No.
Michael Scott
Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan Levinson
I was watching Jim.
Michael Scott
And he was laughing.
Jan Levinson
No smiling.
Michael Scott
Look at him, he's laughing.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. (holds cellphone)

Scene 12

26 lines
Jim Halpert
You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Pam Beesly
Oh okay.
Michael Scott
Well you don't need two of you to do that.
Jim Halpert
That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam Beesly
Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim Halpert
I don't know because I everything I own is there.
Pam Beesly
You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party.
Michael Scott
That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
Andy Bernard
Michael, you're up.
Michael Scott
All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-
Jan Levinson
No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes.
Michael Scott
All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.
Angela Martin
I don't know.
Jim Halpert
Katie Holmes.
Michael Scott
No, Baah! But he's married to her!
Jim Halpert
Oh, Dawson's Creek.
Michael Scott
No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
Jan Levinson
No rhyming!
Jim Halpert
Not really a rhyme.
Angela Martin
Another clue, another clue.
Michael Scott
Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.
Angela Martin
Those aren't helpful.
Jim Halpert
Tom Cruise!
Michael Scott
No!
Andy Bernard
Time!
Michael Scott
God, does anybody read the paper?!

Scene 13

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering) Oh, thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Jan Levinson
(eyes Pam) I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?
Michael Scott
I don't like that story babe.
Jan Levinson
Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!
Michael Scott
Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Jan Levinson
You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil.
Michael Scott
Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!
Angela Martin
You shouldn't joke about that.
Pam Beesly
Is there more wine in the kitchen?
Jan Levinson
I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip.

Scene 14

10 lines
Jan Levinson
(checking the oven) Uh, not even close.
Angela Martin
So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan Levinson
You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.
Pam Beesly
No, yeah. What?
Jan Levinson
Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam Beesly
Oh, are you joking?
Jan Levinson
Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam Beesly
I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela Martin
I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Jan Levinson
Mmhmm.

Scene 15

6 lines
Michael Scott
(in the garage) So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand (the chairs are shaped like hands). So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Jim Halpert
Oh no she just put it in front of my face.
Michael Scott
Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan" What do you think about that?
Andy Bernard
Thought about it, I'm in.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?
Michael Scott
I'm sorry. (doorbell rings) What now?

Scene 16

18 lines
Jan Levinson
Coming! (Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler)
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Jan Levinson
What are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute
We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Awesome.
Jan Levinson
What is he doing here?
Angela Martin
Yes, What are you doing here?
Michael Scott
Dwight is my friend.
Woman
We weren't invited?
Michael Scott
You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Jan Levinson
Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.
Michael Scott
Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
Jan Levinson
We saw Wicked.
Michael Scott
When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Jan Levinson
I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a (bleep)ing kid.
Michael Scott
Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? (Jan walks away)
Jan Levinson
I hate my life.
Dwight Schrute
So can we come in?

Scene 17

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Jan Levinson
(crying) I'm just gonna check on dinner. (Jan gets up from the table)
Dwight Schrute
Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?
Angela Martin
I hate beet salad.
Woman
It's actually really good.
Dwight Schrute
Hey hey hey hey. (to Angela) I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.
Angela Martin
The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Michael Scott
(leans across to Pam whispering) Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam Beesly
(whispers) Like... like what?
Michael Scott
I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. (Jan serves the food) Hey, looks great babe.
Andy Bernard
Yeah it does.

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover?

Scene 19

34 lines
Jan Levinson
(Michael dips his steak into his wine) Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
Michael Scott
You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?
Jan Levinson
Oops.
Michael Scott
Excuse me for a second. (gets up from the table)
Jim Halpert
(to babysitter) So... how do you guys know each other?
Woman
I was his babysitter.
Pam Beesly
And now you guys are dating?
Dwight Schrute
Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.
Jim Halpert
Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...
Woman
E-mail?
Jim Halpert
Nevermind.
Michael Scott
Ok... alright... here we go. (takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign) There. (plugs it in) Oooookay.
Jim Halpert
That's nice.
Michael Scott
Everybody enjoying their meal?
Jan Levinson
Hey babe?
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Jan Levinson
How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.
Michael Scott
No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan Levinson
Ok. (gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud)
Michael Scott
(to the guests) Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
Jan Levinson
At least he's an artist.
Michael Scott
BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
Jan Levinson
(shouting) AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
Michael Scott
NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
Jan Levinson
FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
Michael Scott
MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
Jan Levinson
YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
Michael Scott
OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
Jan Levinson
AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael Scott
(yells) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! (Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv) THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! (Jan goes upstairs crying.)
Woman
I'm gonna get going.
Dwight Schrute
Fine. Get outta here.
Jim Halpert
It's getting late.
Michael Scott
You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.

Scene 20

24 lines
Jim Halpert
(Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door) Of course
Dwight Schrute
Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.(to police) Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?
Officer 1
Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?
Michael Scott
Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Officer 2
The neighbors said they heard some shouting.
Michael Scott
Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Officer 1
You wanna press charges?
Michael Scott
Would she get into trouble?
Officer
Yes. She'd be charged.
Michael Scott
I will take the fall. I did it.
Officer 2
You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet.
Jan Levinson
(running out the door)) Michael! (pleading) Michael. What are you doing to him?
Officer 1
Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?
Dwight Schrute
(puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder) Michael can come home with me.
Michael Scott
Jim? Pam?
Jim Halpert
Oh... my apartment's on fire
Pam Beesly
(whispers) Flooded.
Jim Halpert
Flooded.
Dwight Schrute
You people. (to Michael) Come on. You're sleeping with me.
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna take you home Michael.
Michael Scott
Nope.
Dwight Schrute
Alright. (leads Michael away)
Jan Levinson
Bye Babe!

Scene 21

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs) This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.
Jim Halpert
You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad.
Pam Beesly
Hmm?
Jim Halpert
(holds up Hunter's CD) I stole this. (Pam laughs) For you babe.

Scene 22

1 line
Pam Beesly
(Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in) One night...

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
(Holding his head out of Dwight's car)

Scene 24

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(Tries to steal a bite of Angela's ice cream.)
Angela Martin
(Rolls down the window and smashes it against his car)

Scene 25

1 line
Jan Levinson
(Watching Michael's cracked plasma screen TV and tries to fix his Dundie.)

Scene 26

1 line
Michael & Dwight
(Slow at a red light and see the woman at the bus stop, she waves to Dwight, who passes her by.)