Every line from The Office episode "Dinner Party", season 4 episode 9.
Stanley Hudson: This is ridiculous.
Phyllis Vance: Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?
Michael Scott: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. (to Jim) Do you have plans tonight?
Jim Halpert: Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working.
Michael Scott: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! (on phone) This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! (hangs up) Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael.
Michael Scott: All right, happy Friday. (to Jim) Well I think we dodged a bullet there.
Jim Halpert: I think you did.
Michael Scott: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?
Michael Scott: You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.
Jan Levinson: How are you?
Michael Scott: Come on in. Good to see you.
Jan Levinson: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?
Michael Scott: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?
Jim Halpert: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?
Jim Halpert: I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Michael Scott: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Michael Scott: Except driving.
Pam Beesly: We got you this. (gives a bottle of wine)
Jan Levinson: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with.
Michael Scott: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
Pam Beesly: It's really nice.
Jan Levinson: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?
Jim Halpert: Tour, let's do the tour first.
Jan Levinson: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?
Michael Scott: Totally your call babe.
Jan Levinson: Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs.
Jim Halpert: Oh, you guys doing a little construction?
Michael Scott: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Jan Levinson: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here.
Michael Scott: Well, thats...
Jan Levinson: This is my office.
Michael Scott: Yep, never been used.
Jan Levinson: Not super exciting.
Jan Levinson: And this is my workspace.
Michael Scott: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? (the room is filled with candles that say "Serenity by Jan")
Michael Scott: As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
Pam Beesly: So you have an office and a workspace?
Jan Levinson: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. (puts a candle to Jim's nose) Smell.
Jan Levinson: Uh-huh, Bonfire.
Jan Levinson: Men love this one.
Michael Scott: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. (clicks tongue)
Jan Levinson: When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away.
Jim Halpert: Just like that.
Jan Levinson: Just like that.
Jan Levinson: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.
Michael Scott: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Jan Levinson: (puts away video camera facing the bed) Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Jan Levinson: Shame on you.
Pam Beesly: What a cute bench.
Michael Scott: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Jim Halpert: Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.
Michael Scott: It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. (Lies down)
Jan Levinson: See, he fits perfectly.
Michael Scott: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. (reveals a tiny TV) I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? (moves TV back a couple inches) Voila, right in the wall.
Michael Scott: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.
Jim Halpert: What is that chestnut?
Michael Scott: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael Scott: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.
Jan Levinson: I bet you are.
Jim Halpert: Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.
Jan Levinson: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said "Honey keep the trophies."
Michael Scott: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.
Jan Levinson: (doorbell) Oh, excuse us just a second.
Michael Scott: I'll get it.
Jan Levinson: (Andy and Angela enter) So glad you're finally able to be here.
Angela Martin: (Michael tries to hug Angela) No, no.
Andy Bernard: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? (to Pam) I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! (to Jan) These are for you. (hands flowers)
Jan Levinson: Oh, how thoughtful.
Michael Scott: Very nice.
Andy Bernard: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.
Angela Martin: What am I supposed to do with this?
Jan Levinson: How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?
Pam Beesly: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Jan Levinson: Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done.
Pam Beesly: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?
Jan Levinson: You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight.
Michael Scott: When in Rome.
Jan Levinson: Do you have a preference, upstairs first?
Michael Scott: Whatever you say babe.
Michael Scott: All right.
Michael Scott: How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Michael Scott: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim Halpert: What was that?
Jan Levinson: So music, should we turn some music?
Michael Scott: Yeah that sounds good.
Jan Levinson: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.
Hunter's CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.
Jan Levinson: Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Angela Martin: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.
Andy Bernard: (playing charades) No it's a... hump. There's a hump.
Andy Bernard: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Pam Beesly: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?
Michael Scott: All right, (rhythim clapping) my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.
Jan Levinson: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?
Michael Scott: What, no, I'm just making people laugh.
Michael Scott: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan Levinson: I was watching Jim.
Michael Scott: And he was laughing.
Jan Levinson: No smiling.
Michael Scott: Look at him, he's laughing.
Jim Halpert: You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Michael Scott: Well you don't need two of you to do that.
Jim Halpert: That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam Beesly: Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim Halpert: I don't know because I everything I own is there.
Pam Beesly: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party.
Michael Scott: That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
Andy Bernard: Michael, you're up.
Michael Scott: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-
Jan Levinson: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes.
Michael Scott: All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.
Angela Martin: I don't know.
Jim Halpert: Katie Holmes.
Michael Scott: No, Baah! But he's married to her!
Jim Halpert: Oh, Dawson's Creek.
Michael Scott: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
Jan Levinson: No rhyming!
Jim Halpert: Not really a rhyme.
Angela Martin: Another clue, another clue.
Michael Scott: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.
Angela Martin: Those aren't helpful.
Michael Scott: God, does anybody read the paper?!
Pam Beesly: (Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering) Oh, thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Jan Levinson: (eyes Pam) I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?
Michael Scott: I don't like that story babe.
Jan Levinson: Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!
Michael Scott: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Jan Levinson: You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil.
Michael Scott: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!
Angela Martin: You shouldn't joke about that.
Pam Beesly: Is there more wine in the kitchen?
Jan Levinson: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip.
Jan Levinson: (checking the oven) Uh, not even close.
Angela Martin: So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan Levinson: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.
Pam Beesly: No, yeah. What?
Jan Levinson: Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam Beesly: Oh, are you joking?
Jan Levinson: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam Beesly: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela Martin: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Michael Scott: (in the garage) So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand (the chairs are shaped like hands). So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Jim Halpert: Oh no she just put it in front of my face.
Michael Scott: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan" What do you think about that?
Andy Bernard: Thought about it, I'm in.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. (doorbell rings) What now?
Jan Levinson: Coming! (Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler)
Jan Levinson: What are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Awesome.
Jan Levinson: What is he doing here?
Angela Martin: Yes, What are you doing here?
Michael Scott: Dwight is my friend.
Woman: We weren't invited?
Michael Scott: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Jan Levinson: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.
Michael Scott: Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
Jan Levinson: We saw Wicked.
Michael Scott: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Jan Levinson: I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a (bleep)ing kid.
Michael Scott: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? (Jan walks away)
Jan Levinson: I hate my life.
Dwight Schrute: So can we come in?
Dwight Schrute: Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Jan Levinson: (crying) I'm just gonna check on dinner. (Jan gets up from the table)
Dwight Schrute: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?
Angela Martin: I hate beet salad.
Woman: It's actually really good.
Dwight Schrute: Hey hey hey hey. (to Angela) I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.
Angela Martin: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Michael Scott: (leans across to Pam whispering) Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam Beesly: (whispers) Like... like what?
Michael Scott: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. (Jan serves the food) Hey, looks great babe.
Andy Bernard: Yeah it does.
Jan Levinson: (Michael dips his steak into his wine) Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
Michael Scott: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?
Michael Scott: Excuse me for a second. (gets up from the table)
Jim Halpert: (to babysitter) So... how do you guys know each other?
Woman: I was his babysitter.
Pam Beesly: And now you guys are dating?
Dwight Schrute: Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.
Jim Halpert: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...
Michael Scott: Ok... alright... here we go. (takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign) There. (plugs it in) Oooookay.
Jim Halpert: That's nice.
Michael Scott: Everybody enjoying their meal?
Jan Levinson: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.
Michael Scott: No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan Levinson: Ok. (gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud)
Michael Scott: (to the guests) Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
Jan Levinson: At least he's an artist.
Michael Scott: BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
Jan Levinson: (shouting) AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
Michael Scott: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
Jan Levinson: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
Michael Scott: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
Jan Levinson: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
Michael Scott: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
Jan Levinson: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael Scott: (yells) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! (Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv) THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! (Jan goes upstairs crying.)
Woman: I'm gonna get going.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. Get outta here.
Jim Halpert: It's getting late.
Michael Scott: You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.
Jim Halpert: (Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door) Of course
Dwight Schrute: Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.(to police) Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?
Officer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?
Michael Scott: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Officer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting.
Michael Scott: Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Officer 1: You wanna press charges?
Michael Scott: Would she get into trouble?
Officer: Yes. She'd be charged.
Michael Scott: I will take the fall. I did it.
Officer 2: You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet.
Jan Levinson: (running out the door)) Michael! (pleading) Michael. What are you doing to him?
Officer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?
Dwight Schrute: (puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder) Michael can come home with me.
Jim Halpert: Oh... my apartment's on fire
Pam Beesly: (whispers) Flooded.
Dwight Schrute: You people. (to Michael) Come on. You're sleeping with me.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna take you home Michael.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. (leads Michael away)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 4. Dinner Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.