Every line from The Office episode "Weight Loss", season 5 episode 1.
Meredith Palmer: What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley Hudson: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed Bratton: I can bring these to my shelter.
Stanley Hudson: I'm taking my dumplings.
Dwight Schrute: (sprays food with bug poison) There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, it's time.
Holly Flax: Ex-squeeze me.
Michael Scott: No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Michael Scott: OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim Halpert: (smiles, looks to Michael) Really, nothing?
Darryl Philbin: 2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Michael Scott: Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Dwight Schrute: Family only.
Darryl Philbin: All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Kevin Malone: Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Holly Flax: Almost, Kevin.
Pam Beesly: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Holly Flax: Math is hard.
Pam Beesly: Just, we'll just keep going.
Andy Bernard: I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Oscar Martinez: All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Andy Bernard: Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Oscar Martinez: OK. (holds elevator) Stanley, come on.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. (takes the stairs after the elevator doors close)
Jim Halpert: Ah, they moved the shower.
Michael Scott: Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim Halpert: No, I didn't. (Michael laughs) You know why?
Jim Halpert: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Jim Halpert: But what have you learned about her?
Michael Scott: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times.
Michael Scott: And that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim Halpert: Well, I tried. (Michael laughs)
Michael Scott: (follows Jim into bathroom) You have to agree with me. (follows Jim back out) That's insane.
Jim Halpert: I'll just go later.
Michael Scott: I thought you had to pee.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Holly Flax: Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Oscar Martinez: Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch.
Holly Flax: Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Holly Flax: I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Oscar Martinez: What's the joke?
Holly Flax: There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, you think it's a choice?
Holly Flax: Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--
Oscar Martinez: I'm messing with you, Holly.
Holly Flax: I knew that. OK, bye.
Dwight Schrute: Fax this for me.
Jim Halpert: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight Schrute: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. (to Pam) If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Andy Bernard: Ang. Ela. (sings) Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Andy Bernard: Hey, check it out. (hands her brochure) This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Andy Bernard: This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Angela Martin: I don't care.
Andy Bernard: OK. How do you feel about Maine? (Angela picks up phone and dials) I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. (Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out)
Dwight Schrute: (exiting warehouse storage room) Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Angela Martin: Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Dwight Schrute: Monkey. (kisses her)
Angela Martin: No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!
Michael Scott: (sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office) Hey, hey! (falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again) Pam, Pam! Hey!
Jim Halpert: What happened?
Michael Scott: (frazzled and out of breath) I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Pam Beesly: I should really get going.
Michael Scott: No. OK. Um, the last word is "seagulls."
Pam Beesly: I'm sure it was really lovely.
Michael Scott: I took a lot from other poems.
Jim Halpert: Call me when you get in. (kisses Pam)
Michael Scott: All right, call-- (leans in to kiss Pam)
Jim Halpert: Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...
Michael Scott: OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Angela Martin: It doesn't matter, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Holly Flax: Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl Philbin: OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Michael Scott: All right!
Professor: Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. (laughter) Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Pam Beesly: I'm in the wrong class...
Professor: Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. (sees Pam leaving) And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no. I just--
Professor: Please sit down.
Ronnie: Hi, can I help you?
Jan Levinson: I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Kevin Malone: How's the candle game?
Jan Levinson: Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Kevin Malone: Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Jan Levinson: Oh, they found her?
Holly Flax: Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Jan Levinson: That's his ex.
Holly Flax: Oh, she's very beautiful.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Holly Flax: So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Angela Martin: Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly Flax: No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela Martin: But he's an idiot!
Holly Flax: He is not an idiot!
Kevin Malone: Thank you, Holly.
Holly Flax: He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin Malone: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly Flax: Well, no. Dwight...
Angela Martin: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Andy Bernard: Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Angela Martin: Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Jim Halpert: All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--
Pam Beesly: (on computer screen) I can see you!
Pam Beesly: This is so cool.
Jim Halpert: So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Pam Beesly: Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Pam Beesly: Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Dwight Schrute: OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Michael Scott: No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. (picks up computer) Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Pam Beesly: Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Michael Scott: Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Michael Scott: Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Pam Beesly: They're on the supply shelf.
Michael Scott: Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
Michael Scott: OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Darryl Philbin: 2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Michael Scott: Damn it. Come on.
Oscar Martinez: (Kelly faints) Oh!
Kevin Malone: Oh, my God!
Dwight Schrute: Come on, Bernard. (Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past)
Michael Scott: Here we go. Everybody on.
Dwight Schrute: All right, we're set.
Darryl Philbin: Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Kelly Kapoor: I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Michael Scott: How's it going?
Phyllis Vance: It's going well.
Holly Flax: I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Michael Scott: Cake? Who suggested cake? (Angela points to Phyllis)
Phyllis Vance: We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
Michael Scott: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight Schrute: Shotgun weddings.
Jim Halpert: That's not what that is.
Creed Bratton: Fright. Being scared to death.
Holly Flax: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight Schrute: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim Halpert: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael Scott: Yes, all right. Who else? (to Angela) Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela Martin: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael Scott: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim Halpert: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael Scott: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Jim Halpert: All right, I'm taking off.
Michael Scott: Booty call.
Jim Halpert: Nope, just going to see Pam.
Jim Halpert: Maybe put up some shelves.
Michael Scott: Wait a second. (removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim) I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Jim Halpert: OK, thank you for ... this.
Michael Scott: You want more?
Andy Bernard: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela Martin: It's not my problem. (dials phone)
Andy Bernard: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Angela Martin: That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. (walks away)
Andy Bernard: Sweetheart. (Angela turns around) Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Andy Bernard: (Angela kisses him) Hey-oh!
Angela Martin: I know I haven't made this easy on you. (Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.)
Jim Halpert: (knocks on door) Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hi. (they kiss) Mmm. 'Cause-- (looks toward camera)
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. (closes door)
Phyllis Vance: Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Stanley Hudson: I don't like cake anymore
Andy Bernard: Why not, dawg?
Stanley Hudson: Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
Dwight Schrute: They should not be in that room.
Holly Flax: That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Michael Scott: You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Michael Scott: Let's go mini-golfing.
Holly Flax: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Holly Flax: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael Scott: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Michael Scott: You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Holly Flax: Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Michael Scott: Good luck.
Dwight Schrute: Party's over. You are so busted!
Michael Scott: OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Phyllis Vance: You said fruit, Michael.
Michael Scott: And what is that?
Michael Scott: You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Dwight Schrute: Happy Birthday, Stanley! (kicks cake onto Michael)
Ryan Howard: And you got a goatee!
Ryan Howard: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael Scott: Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Kevin Malone: Firrrrre-duh guy! (high fives Ryan)
Ryan Howard: Hey Kevin... (Kevin gives Ryan a noogie) That's really funny.
Ryan Howard: It's great to see you Kev.
Ryan Howard: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim Halpert: Well that's great. (shakes Ryan's hand) You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan Howard: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim Halpert: But he did, right?
Darryl Philbin: Well you lost zero pounds. (everyone grumbles) No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. (flails his arms)
Andy Bernard: Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Holly Flax: Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Andy Bernard: NO! I want names!
Oscar Martinez: So how was your date?
Holly Flax: Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Michael Scott: (groans painfully)
Holly Flax: What's wrong?
Michael Scott: (struggling to speak) Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Michael Scott: Close the door. This is your fault.
Michael Scott: Your stupid friend zone.
Michael Scott: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!
Dwight Schrute: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. (looking at Phyllis) And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim Halpert: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim Halpert: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight Schrute: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan Howard: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.
Ryan Howard: We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...
Ryan Howard: That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.
Kelly Kapoor: It's a small office.
Dwight Schrute: Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
Phyllis Vance: Yes you were.
Dwight Schrute: But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?
Phyllis Vance: Split the commission?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Sixty - forty. Hm? (they shake hands) I'll drive.
Holly Flax: Dieting's only half of it.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Holly Flax: And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
Michael Scott: Gah, the dreadmill. (both laugh)
Friend: Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.
Friend: My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.
Pam Beesly: Really, where?
Friend: No no! Don't look! (Pam sees an old lady behind him)
Pam Beesly: Wow, was it the age difference?
Friend: Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. (they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers)
Pam Beesly: Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!
Phyllis Vance: (storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath) Are you insane?!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey!
Oscar Martinez: Oh my God, what happened?
Phyllis Vance: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight Schrute: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! (claps)
Phyllis Vance: You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? (Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials) You look great. I can definitely see the difference.
Phyllis Vance: (into phone) Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.
Holly Flax: "...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---"
Michael Scott: (in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice) Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
Holly Flax: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Fair question.
Michael Scott: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. (hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig) They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.
Michael Scott: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim Halpert: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?"
Kevin Malone: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael Scott: How do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar Martinez: Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
Michael Scott: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar Martinez: I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Michael Scott: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Michael Scott: Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?
Dwight Schrute: Eh, I've been sitting all day.
Michael Scott: We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. (to Ryan) Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Ryan Howard: (at a loss for words)
Professor: So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. (Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh) Others feel that fungus is do to an over---
Pam Beesly: (to friend) Nice.
Michael Scott: Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.
Dwight Schrute: She should thank me.
Michael Scott: Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
Phyllis Vance: Why should I have to thank him?
Michael Scott: You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.
Dwight Schrute: (exhales) I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Michael Scott: Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? (Phyllis sits) Let's all clap at Phyllis. (everyone claps) Ok! (in Michael Clump voice) When Michael Clump wants to remind you (normal voice) that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. (kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him) Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. (Kelly stands up on her chair) Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?
Ryan Howard: (stands up) Everything. She's perfect.
Meredith Palmer: I like her nails.
Michael Scott: Ok, be more specific.
Meredith Palmer: I like her fingernails.
Phyllis Vance: I like her purple dress.
Michael Scott: What about her looks?
Creed Bratton: Hell of an ass.
Kelly Kapoor: ...what else do people like?
Michael Scott: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
Kelly Kapoor: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!
Michael Scott: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. (Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest) Mmmmmm.
Michael Scott: Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.
Michael Scott: Ahaha, Yep! (Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee)
Oscar Martinez: How was Friday night?
Holly Flax: Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...
Oscar Martinez: He'll call.
Michael Scott: Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
Darryl Philbin: You guys lost four pounds.
Darryl Philbin: I say we have a parade.
Dwight Schrute: We better.
Michael Scott: Excellent! Good job.
Jim Halpert: So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...
Pam Beesly: You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.
Jim Halpert: I know. I suck.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, you do.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says "Hi."
Dwight Schrute: I do not! I do not say "Hi" Pam!
Jim Halpert: Now he is saying "Hi" louder.
Pam Beesly: I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?
Pam Beesly: No football games, recitals, karate tournaments.
Jim Halpert: Hey, can you go to IM?
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) Let's meet for lunch.
Dwight Schrute: What are you writing about me?
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) What -- today?
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna write you up for not working.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working.
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) Where?
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock.
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project (Dwight emoticon).
Michael Scott: Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?
Holly Flax: I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...
Michael Scott: No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?
Holly Flax: And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?
Michael Scott: I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.
Holly Flax: Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds.
Holly Flax: Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters.
Michael Scott: Wait, do we have until the end of the day?
Michael Scott: (Kelly eating in the break room) Hey, is that healthy food?
Michael Scott: We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late.
Michael Scott: Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?
Angela Martin: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Andy Bernard: Your wish is my command.
Angela Martin: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
Andy Bernard: And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.
Andy Bernard: I didn't tell you.
Andy Bernard: Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.
Angela Martin: I don't think that...
Andy Bernard: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.
Angela Martin: I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Andy Bernard: Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.
Angela Martin: (Angela dials the phone) Let's talk about this later. (Dwight's pager buzzes)
Andy Bernard: Mm-wah! (Angela walks away, Dwight follows)
Pam Beesly: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
Jim Halpert: (Jim gets down on one knee)
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I just... couldn't wait.
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesly: Yes! (they embrace and kiss)
Dwight Schrute: God. Where is Jim?
Holly Flax: I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
Michael Scott: Aww, really?
Michael Scott: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
Michael Scott: ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Holly Flax: Aww man, I really wanted to see them.
Michael Scott: I know. I love Counting Crows.
Holly Flax: Look at where my seats were.
Michael Scott: Wow, really?
Michael Scott: That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
Holly Flax: Michael, you don't have to buy them.
Michael Scott: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.
Michael Scott: Alright. Alright! (tears up tickets) Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
Michael Scott: Is that good?
Jim Halpert: Hey, sorry everybody.
Dwight Schrute: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.
Jim Halpert: What's up, Meredith?
Meredith Palmer: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Dripping on me.
Michael Scott: Darryl, would you do the honors?
Darryl Philbin: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. (everyone moans) Sorry guys.
Michael Scott: Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 5. Weight Loss is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.