All Episodes

Season 5 Episode 1
Weight Loss

Every line from The Office episode "Weight Loss", season 5 episode 1.

Michael Scott: All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. (cheering)
Dwight Schrute: From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.
Michael Scott: This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.
Meredith Palmer: What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley Hudson: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed Bratton: I can bring these to my shelter.
Stanley Hudson: I'm taking my dumplings.
Dwight Schrute: (sprays food with bug poison) There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, it's time.
Dwight Schrute: Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.
Darryl Philbin: Don't go breaking my scale.
Andy Bernard: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.
Holly Flax: Ex-squeeze me.
Michael Scott: No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Michael Scott: OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim Halpert: (smiles, looks to Michael) Really, nothing?
Darryl Philbin: 2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Michael Scott: Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Dwight Schrute: Family only.
Darryl Philbin: All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Kevin Malone: Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Holly Flax: Almost, Kevin.
Pam Beesly: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Holly Flax: Math is hard.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Just, we'll just keep going.
Andy Bernard: I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Oscar Martinez: All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Andy Bernard: Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Oscar Martinez: OK. (holds elevator) Stanley, come on.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. (takes the stairs after the elevator doors close)
Stanley Hudson: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. (holds up old photo) Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.
Holly Flax: And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. (Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose)
Michael Scott: Jimbo.
Jim Halpert: Ah, they moved the shower.
Michael Scott: Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim Halpert: No, I didn't. (Michael laughs) You know why?
Michael Scott: Why?
Jim Halpert: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Michael Scott: I know.
Jim Halpert: But what have you learned about her?
Michael Scott: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times.
Jim Halpert: Nice.
Michael Scott: And that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim Halpert: Well, I tried. (Michael laughs)
Michael Scott: (follows Jim into bathroom) You have to agree with me. (follows Jim back out) That's insane.
Jim Halpert: I'll just go later.
Michael Scott: I thought you had to pee.
Dwight Schrute: (forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks)
Oscar Martinez: Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Holly Flax: Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Oscar Martinez: Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch.
Holly Flax: Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Oscar Martinez: I'm gay!
Holly Flax: I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Oscar Martinez: What's the joke?
Holly Flax: There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, you think it's a choice?
Holly Flax: Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--
Oscar Martinez: I'm messing with you, Holly.
Holly Flax: I knew that. OK, bye.
Oscar Martinez: OK.
Jim Halpert: So you have the directions.
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Jim Halpert: You have a toothbrush.
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Jim Halpert: You have a cell phone charger.
Pam Beesly: I have everything.
Pam Beesly: Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. (does hand gesture) What up, 212?
Dwight Schrute: Fax this for me.
Jim Halpert: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight Schrute: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. (to Pam) If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Andy Bernard: Ang. Ela. (sings) Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Angela Martin: What?
Andy Bernard: Hey, check it out. (hands her brochure) This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Andy Bernard: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
Angela Martin: No. No.
Andy Bernard: This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Angela Martin: I don't care.
Andy Bernard: OK. How do you feel about Maine? (Angela picks up phone and dials) I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. (Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out)
Dwight Schrute: (exiting warehouse storage room) Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Angela Martin: Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Dwight Schrute: Monkey. (kisses her)
Angela Martin: No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!
Michael Scott: (sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office) Hey, hey! (falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again) Pam, Pam! Hey!
Jim Halpert: What happened?
Michael Scott: (frazzled and out of breath) I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Pam Beesly: I should really get going.
Michael Scott: No. OK. Um, the last word is "seagulls."
Pam Beesly: I'm sure it was really lovely.
Michael Scott: I took a lot from other poems.
Jim Halpert: Call me when you get in. (kisses Pam)
Pam Beesly: OK, bye.
Jim Halpert: Bye.
Michael Scott: All right, call-- (leans in to kiss Pam)
Pam Beesly: No, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...
Michael Scott: OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Angela Martin: It doesn't matter, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Holly Flax: Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl Philbin: OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Michael Scott: All right!
Jim Halpert: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
Michael Scott: (rapping) I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Holly Flax: Wikka wikka wikka what?
Ronnie: Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.
Jim Halpert: I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.
Professor: Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. (laughter) Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Pam Beesly: I'm in the wrong class...
Professor: Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. (sees Pam leaving) And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no. I just--
Professor: Please sit down.
Holly Flax: You're shaking. Are you all right?
Kelly Kapoor: Just leave me alone!
Kelly Kapoor: (sickly) I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.
Ronnie: Hi, can I help you?
Jan Levinson: I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Kevin Malone: Hi Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hi.
Kevin Malone: How's the candle game?
Jan Levinson: Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Kevin Malone: Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Jan Levinson: Oh, they found her?
Michael Scott: Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. (to Jan) Come on. Let's go in.
Jim Halpert: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.
Holly Flax: Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Jan Levinson: That's his ex.
Holly Flax: Oh, she's very beautiful.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Holly Flax: So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Oscar Martinez: OK.
Angela Martin: Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly Flax: No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela Martin: But he's an idiot!
Kevin Malone: Hey!
Holly Flax: He is not an idiot!
Kevin Malone: Thank you, Holly.
Holly Flax: He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin Malone: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly Flax: Well, no. Dwight...
Angela Martin: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Holly Flax: I'm sorry.
Andy Bernard: Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Angela Martin: Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Angela Martin: (walking into storage room) Hurry, we have to make this fast.
Dwight Schrute: Let's do this thing.
Angela Martin: (Dwight slaps her butt) Hey!
Angela Martin: I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!
Jim Halpert: All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--
Pam Beesly: (on computer screen) I can see you!
Jim Halpert: All right!
Pam Beesly: This is so cool.
Jim Halpert: So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Pam Beesly: Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Jim Halpert: Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly: Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Dwight Schrute: OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Michael Scott: No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. (picks up computer) Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Pam Beesly: Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Michael Scott: Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Pam Beesly: The nerve.
Michael Scott: Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Pam Beesly: They're on the supply shelf.
Michael Scott: Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
Pam Beesly: New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?
Michael Scott: OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Darryl Philbin: 2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Michael Scott: Damn it. Come on.
Oscar Martinez: (Kelly faints) Oh!
Kevin Malone: Oh, my God!
Dwight Schrute: Come on, Bernard. (Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past)
Michael Scott: Here we go. Everybody on.
Dwight Schrute: All right, we're set.
Darryl Philbin: Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Kelly Kapoor: I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Stanley Hudson: I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.
Phyllis Vance: Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.
Phyllis Vance: Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. (footage of Dwight and Angela making out) I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
Michael Scott: How's it going?
Phyllis Vance: It's going well.
Michael Scott: Good.
Holly Flax: I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Michael Scott: Cake? Who suggested cake? (Angela points to Phyllis)
Phyllis Vance: We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
Michael Scott: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
Michael Scott: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight Schrute: Shotgun weddings.
Jim Halpert: That's not what that is.
Creed Bratton: Fright. Being scared to death.
Michael Scott: No.
Holly Flax: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight Schrute: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim Halpert: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael Scott: Yes, all right. Who else? (to Angela) Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela Martin: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael Scott: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim Halpert: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael Scott: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Jim Halpert: All right, I'm taking off.
Michael Scott: Booty call.
Jim Halpert: Nope, just going to see Pam.
Michael Scott: Here.
Jim Halpert: Maybe put up some shelves.
Michael Scott: Wait a second. (removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim) I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Jim Halpert: OK, thank you for ... this.
Michael Scott: You want more?
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela Martin: It's not my problem. (dials phone)
Andy Bernard: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Angela Martin: That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. (walks away)
Andy Bernard: Sweetheart. (Angela turns around) Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Andy Bernard: (Angela kisses him) Hey-oh!
Angela Martin: I know I haven't made this easy on you. (Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.)
Jim Halpert: (knocks on door) Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hi. (they kiss) Mmm. 'Cause-- (looks toward camera)
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. (closes door)
Michael Scott: (music playing) It's a pretty lame party.
Ronnie: Does anyone want to dance?
Jim Halpert: (watching baseball game on TV) Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.
Phyllis Vance: Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Stanley Hudson: I don't like cake anymore
Andy Bernard: Why not, dawg?
Stanley Hudson: Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, we have a situation.
Dwight Schrute: They should not be in that room.
Holly Flax: That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Michael Scott: You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Let's go mini-golfing.
Holly Flax: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Michael Scott: Uh...
Holly Flax: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael Scott: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Michael Scott: You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Holly Flax: Really?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Michael Scott: Good luck.
Michael Scott: Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
Dwight Schrute: Party's over. You are so busted!
Michael Scott: OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Phyllis Vance: You said fruit, Michael.
Michael Scott: And what is that?
Phyllis Vance: Cake.
Michael Scott: You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Dwight Schrute: Happy Birthday, Stanley! (kicks cake onto Michael)
Holly Flax: It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.
Kevin Malone: (spreading peanut butter on a bagel) What?
Creed Bratton: Oh nothing.
Kelly Kapoor: It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.
Kelly Kapoor: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed Bratton: That wasn't a tapeworm.
Ryan Howard: (walks in the office) How's my favorite branch doing? (no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan) All right (sits at reception).
Michael Scott: Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.
Ryan Howard: And you got a goatee!
Michael Scott: I did!
Ryan Howard: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael Scott: Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Kevin Malone: Firrrrre-duh guy! (high fives Ryan)
Ryan Howard: Hey Kevin... (Kevin gives Ryan a noogie) That's really funny.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: It's great to see you Kev.
Kevin Malone: You too.
Ryan Howard: I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.
Ryan Howard: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim Halpert: Well that's great. (shakes Ryan's hand) You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan Howard: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim Halpert: But he did, right?
Ryan Howard: All right.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Ryan Howard: (glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list)
Darryl Philbin: Well you lost zero pounds. (everyone grumbles) No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. (flails his arms)
Andy Bernard: Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Holly Flax: Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Andy Bernard: NO! I want names!
Andy Bernard: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
Oscar Martinez: So how was your date?
Holly Flax: Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Michael Scott: (groans painfully)
Holly Flax: What's wrong?
Michael Scott: (struggling to speak) Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Michael Scott: Close the door. This is your fault.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Michael Scott: Your stupid friend zone.
Jim Halpert: Mmm.
Michael Scott: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!
Dwight Schrute: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. (looking at Phyllis) And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim Halpert: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim Halpert: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight Schrute: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
Ryan Howard: Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan Howard: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.
Kelly Kapoor: Cool.
Ryan Howard: We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...
Ryan Howard: That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.
Kelly Kapoor: It's a small office.
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
Phyllis Vance: Yes you were.
Dwight Schrute: But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?
Phyllis Vance: Split the commission?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Sixty - forty. Hm? (they shake hands) I'll drive.
Ryan Howard: (exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan)
Holly Flax: Dieting's only half of it.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Holly Flax: And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
Michael Scott: Gah, the dreadmill. (both laugh)
Jim Halpert: Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers.
Friend: Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.
Pam Beesly: What?
Friend: My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.
Pam Beesly: Really, where?
Friend: No no! Don't look! (Pam sees an old lady behind him)
Pam Beesly: Wow, was it the age difference?
Friend: Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. (they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers)
Pam Beesly: Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!
Phyllis Vance: (storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath) Are you insane?!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey!
Oscar Martinez: Oh my God, what happened?
Phyllis Vance: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight Schrute: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! (claps)
Phyllis Vance: You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? (Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials) You look great. I can definitely see the difference.
Phyllis Vance: (into phone) Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.
Holly Flax: "...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---"
Michael Scott: (in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice) Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
Holly Flax: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Fair question.
Michael Scott: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. (hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig) They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.
Michael Scott: It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
Michael Scott: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim Halpert: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?"
Kevin Malone: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael Scott: How do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar Martinez: Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
Michael Scott: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar Martinez: I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Michael Scott: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Dwight Schrute: Vamping.
Michael Scott: Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?
Dwight Schrute: Eh, I've been sitting all day.
Michael Scott: We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. (to Ryan) Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Ryan Howard: I did.
Michael Scott: Why?
Ryan Howard: (at a loss for words)
Professor: So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. (Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh) Others feel that fungus is do to an over---
Pam Beesly: (to friend) Nice.
Professor: Quiet please.
Pam Beesly: Sorry.
Friend: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.
Dwight Schrute: She should thank me.
Michael Scott: Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
Phyllis Vance: Why should I have to thank him?
Michael Scott: You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.
Dwight Schrute: (exhales) I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Michael Scott: Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? (Phyllis sits) Let's all clap at Phyllis. (everyone claps) Ok! (in Michael Clump voice) When Michael Clump wants to remind you (normal voice) that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. (kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him) Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. (Kelly stands up on her chair) Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?
Ryan Howard: (stands up) Everything. She's perfect.
Meredith Palmer: I like her nails.
Michael Scott: Ok, be more specific.
Meredith Palmer: I like her fingernails.
Phyllis Vance: I like her purple dress.
Michael Scott: What about her looks?
Creed Bratton: Hell of an ass.
Kelly Kapoor: ...what else do people like?
Phyllis Vance: I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.
Michael Scott: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
Kelly Kapoor: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!
Michael Scott: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. (Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest) Mmmmmm.
Jim Halpert: Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?
Michael Scott: Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.
Ryan Howard: Oh...
Michael Scott: Ahaha, Yep! (Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee)
Oscar Martinez: How was Friday night?
Holly Flax: Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...
Oscar Martinez: He'll call.
Michael Scott: Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
Darryl Philbin: You guys lost four pounds.
Michael Scott: Hey!
Darryl Philbin: I say we have a parade.
Dwight Schrute: We better.
Michael Scott: Excellent! Good job.
Jim Halpert: So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...
Pam Beesly: You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.
Jim Halpert: I know. I suck.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, you do.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says "Hi."
Dwight Schrute: I do not! I do not say "Hi" Pam!
Jim Halpert: Now he is saying "Hi" louder.
Pam Beesly: I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?
Jim Halpert: Umm...
Pam Beesly: No football games, recitals, karate tournaments.
Jim Halpert: Hey, can you go to IM?
Pam Beesly: OK.
Jim Halpert: OK.
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) Let's meet for lunch.
Dwight Schrute: What are you writing about me?
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) What -- today?
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna write you up for not working.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working.
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) Where?
Jim Halpert: (JIM9334 screen name) The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock.
Pam Beesly: (Receptionitis15 screen name) Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project (Dwight emoticon).
Jim Halpert: (holds up an ASCII image of Dwight)
Michael Scott: Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?
Holly Flax: I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...
Michael Scott: No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?
Holly Flax: Oh, no.
Michael Scott: Really?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Aach.
Holly Flax: And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?
Michael Scott: I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.
Holly Flax: Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds.
Michael Scott: Ugh.
Holly Flax: Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters.
Michael Scott: Wait, do we have until the end of the day?
Holly Flax: So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all.
Andy Bernard: Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. (turns up thermostat) It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge.
Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.
Michael Scott: (Kelly eating in the break room) Hey, is that healthy food?
Kelly Kapoor: Nope.
Michael Scott: We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late.
Michael Scott: Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?
Jim Halpert: Perfect.
Dwight Schrute: (sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray)
Angela Martin: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Andy Bernard: Your wish is my command.
Angela Martin: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?
Andy Bernard: Of course!
Angela Martin: Really?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
Angela Martin: Mmhmm.
Andy Bernard: And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.
Angela Martin: The guys?
Andy Bernard: I didn't tell you.
Angela Martin: Mm-mm
Andy Bernard: Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.
Angela Martin: I don't think that...
Andy Bernard: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.
Angela Martin: I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Andy Bernard: Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.
Angela Martin: (Angela dials the phone) Let's talk about this later. (Dwight's pager buzzes)
Andy Bernard: Mm-wah! (Angela walks away, Dwight follows)
Pam Beesly: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
Jim Halpert: (Jim gets down on one knee)
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I just... couldn't wait.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God!
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesly: Oh my God!
Jim Halpert: So?
Pam Beesly: Yes! (they embrace and kiss)
Dwight Schrute: God. Where is Jim?
Holly Flax: I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
Michael Scott: Aww, really?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
Holly Flax: Yeah?
Michael Scott: ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Holly Flax: Aww man, I really wanted to see them.
Michael Scott: I know. I love Counting Crows.
Holly Flax: Look at where my seats were.
Michael Scott: Wow, really?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
Holly Flax: Michael, you don't have to buy them.
Michael Scott: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.
Holly Flax: Ok.
Michael Scott: Ok?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Alright. Alright! (tears up tickets) Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Is that good?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Hey, sorry everybody.
Dwight Schrute: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.
Andy Bernard: Wet Tuna!
Jim Halpert: Hey Dwight.
Michael Scott: OK.
Jim Halpert: What's up, Meredith?
Meredith Palmer: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Dripping on me.
Michael Scott: Darryl, would you do the honors?
Darryl Philbin: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. (everyone moans) Sorry guys.
Michael Scott: Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.
Stanley Hudson: I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway.
Toby Flenderson: (in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish) Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 5. Weight Loss is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

More Episodes
© 2023 - Buy Me A CoffeeBuilt by Andy Feliciotti