Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Weight Loss

Vol. 5 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Summers at Dunder Mifflin mean awkward weigh-ins and Michael trying to be Michael Clump to win some extra vacation days. Jim finally asks Pam the big question at a rainy rest stop while she's away at art school. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Kelly's questionable diet to Holly thinking Kevin is "special."

Scene 01

2 lines
Michael Scott
All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. (cheering)
Dwight Schrute
From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.

Scene 03

8 lines
Meredith Palmer
What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley Hudson
I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed Bratton
I can bring these to my shelter.
Stanley Hudson
I'm taking my dumplings.
Dwight Schrute
(sprays food with bug poison) There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael Scott
Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Michael, it's time.

Scene 04

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.
Darryl Philbin
Don't go breaking my scale.

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Scene 06

16 lines
Holly Flax
Ex-squeeze me.
Michael Scott
No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Michael Scott
OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Dwight Schrute
Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim Halpert
(smiles, looks to Michael) Really, nothing?
Darryl Philbin
2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Dwight Schrute
Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Michael Scott
Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Dwight Schrute
Family only.
Darryl Philbin
All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Kevin Malone
Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Holly Flax
Almost, Kevin.
Pam Beesly
Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Holly Flax
Math is hard.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Just, we'll just keep going.

Scene 07

5 lines
Andy Bernard
I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Oscar Martinez
All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Andy Bernard
Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Oscar Martinez
OK. (holds elevator) Stanley, come on.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. (takes the stairs after the elevator doors close)

Scene 08

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. (holds up old photo) Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

Scene 09

1 line
Holly Flax
And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. (Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose)

Scene 10

15 lines
Michael Scott
Jimbo.
Jim Halpert
Ah, they moved the shower.
Michael Scott
Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim Halpert
No, I didn't. (Michael laughs) You know why?
Michael Scott
Why?
Jim Halpert
Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Michael Scott
I know.
Jim Halpert
But what have you learned about her?
Michael Scott
I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times.
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Michael Scott
And that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim Halpert
Well, I tried. (Michael laughs)
Michael Scott
(follows Jim into bathroom) You have to agree with me. (follows Jim back out) That's insane.
Jim Halpert
I'll just go later.
Michael Scott
I thought you had to pee.

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks)

Scene 12

13 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Holly Flax
Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Oscar Martinez
Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch.
Holly Flax
Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Oscar Martinez
I'm gay!
Holly Flax
I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Oscar Martinez
What's the joke?
Holly Flax
There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, you think it's a choice?
Holly Flax
Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--
Oscar Martinez
I'm messing with you, Holly.
Holly Flax
I knew that. OK, bye.
Oscar Martinez
OK.

Scene 13

6 lines
Jim Halpert
So you have the directions.
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Jim Halpert
You have a toothbrush.
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Jim Halpert
You have a cell phone charger.
Pam Beesly
I have everything.

Scene 14

1 line
Pam Beesly
Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. (does hand gesture) What up, 212?

Scene 15

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Fax this for me.
Jim Halpert
Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight Schrute
It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. (to Pam) If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.

Scene 16

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Ang. Ela. (sings) Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Angela Martin
What?
Andy Bernard
Hey, check it out. (hands her brochure) This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.

Scene 18

4 lines
Angela Martin
No. No.
Andy Bernard
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Angela Martin
I don't care.
Andy Bernard
OK. How do you feel about Maine? (Angela picks up phone and dials) I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. (Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out)

Scene 19

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(exiting warehouse storage room) Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Angela Martin
Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Dwight Schrute
Monkey. (kisses her)
Angela Martin
No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!

Scene 20

12 lines
Michael Scott
(sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office) Hey, hey! (falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again) Pam, Pam! Hey!
Jim Halpert
What happened?
Michael Scott
(frazzled and out of breath) I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Pam Beesly
I should really get going.
Michael Scott
No. OK. Um, the last word is "seagulls."
Pam Beesly
I'm sure it was really lovely.
Michael Scott
I took a lot from other poems.
Jim Halpert
Call me when you get in. (kisses Pam)
Pam Beesly
OK, bye.
Jim Halpert
Bye.
Michael Scott
All right, call-- (leans in to kiss Pam)
Pam Beesly
No, Michael.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...

Scene 22

7 lines
Michael Scott
OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Angela Martin
It doesn't matter, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Holly Flax
Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Michael Scott
All right.
Darryl Philbin
OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Michael Scott
All right!

Scene 23

1 line
Jim Halpert
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

Scene 24

2 lines
Michael Scott
(rapping) I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Holly Flax
Wikka wikka wikka what?

Scene 25

1 line
Ronnie
Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.

Scene 26

1 line
Jim Halpert
I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.

Scene 27

5 lines
Professor
Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. (laughter) Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Pam Beesly
I'm in the wrong class...
Professor
Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. (sees Pam leaving) And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no. I just--
Professor
Please sit down.

Scene 28

2 lines
Holly Flax
You're shaking. Are you all right?
Kelly Kapoor
Just leave me alone!

Scene 29

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(sickly) I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.

Scene 30

8 lines
Ronnie
Hi, can I help you?
Jan Levinson
I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Kevin Malone
Hi Jan.
Jan Levinson
Hi.
Kevin Malone
How's the candle game?
Jan Levinson
Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Kevin Malone
Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Jan Levinson
Oh, they found her?

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. (to Jan) Come on. Let's go in.

Scene 32

1 line
Jim Halpert
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.

Scene 33

6 lines
Holly Flax
Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Jan Levinson
That's his ex.
Holly Flax
Oh, she's very beautiful.
Oscar Martinez
Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Holly Flax
So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Oscar Martinez
OK.

Scene 34

11 lines
Angela Martin
Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly Flax
No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela Martin
But he's an idiot!
Kevin Malone
Hey!
Holly Flax
He is not an idiot!
Kevin Malone
Thank you, Holly.
Holly Flax
He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin Malone
Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly Flax
Well, no. Dwight...
Angela Martin
Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Holly Flax
I'm sorry.

Scene 35

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Angela Martin
Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.

Scene 36

3 lines
Angela Martin
(walking into storage room) Hurry, we have to make this fast.
Dwight Schrute
Let's do this thing.
Angela Martin
(Dwight slaps her butt) Hey!

Scene 37

1 line
Angela Martin
I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!

Scene 38

16 lines
Jim Halpert
All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--
Pam Beesly
(on computer screen) I can see you!
Jim Halpert
All right!
Pam Beesly
This is so cool.
Jim Halpert
So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Pam Beesly
Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Jim Halpert
Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly
Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Dwight Schrute
OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Michael Scott
No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. (picks up computer) Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Pam Beesly
Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Michael Scott
Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Pam Beesly
The nerve.
Michael Scott
Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Pam Beesly
They're on the supply shelf.
Michael Scott
Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.

Scene 39

1 line
Pam Beesly
New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?

Scene 40

5 lines
Michael Scott
OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Darryl Philbin
2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Michael Scott
Damn it. Come on.
Oscar Martinez
(Kelly faints) Oh!
Kevin Malone
Oh, my God!

Scene 41

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Come on, Bernard. (Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past)
Michael Scott
Here we go. Everybody on.
Dwight Schrute
All right, we're set.
Darryl Philbin
Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Kelly Kapoor
I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.

Scene 42

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.

Scene 43

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.

Scene 44

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. (footage of Dwight and Angela making out) I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.

Scene 45

7 lines
Michael Scott
How's it going?
Phyllis Vance
It's going well.
Michael Scott
Good.
Holly Flax
I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Michael Scott
Cake? Who suggested cake? (Angela points to Phyllis)
Phyllis Vance
We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Scene 47

14 lines
Michael Scott
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight Schrute
Shotgun weddings.
Jim Halpert
That's not what that is.
Creed Bratton
Fright. Being scared to death.
Michael Scott
No.
Holly Flax
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight Schrute
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael Scott
Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim Halpert
I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael Scott
Yes, all right. Who else? (to Angela) Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela Martin
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael Scott
If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim Halpert
Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael Scott
This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Scene 48

9 lines
Jim Halpert
All right, I'm taking off.
Michael Scott
Booty call.
Jim Halpert
Nope, just going to see Pam.
Michael Scott
Here.
Jim Halpert
Maybe put up some shelves.
Michael Scott
Wait a second. (removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim) I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Jim Halpert
OK, thank you for ... this.
Michael Scott
You want more?
Jim Halpert
No.

Scene 49

7 lines
Andy Bernard
I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela Martin
It's not my problem. (dials phone)
Andy Bernard
Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Angela Martin
That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. (walks away)
Andy Bernard
Sweetheart. (Angela turns around) Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Andy Bernard
(Angela kisses him) Hey-oh!
Angela Martin
I know I haven't made this easy on you. (Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.)

Scene 50

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(knocks on door) Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hi. (they kiss) Mmm. 'Cause-- (looks toward camera)
Jim Halpert
Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. (closes door)

Scene 51

2 lines
Michael Scott
(music playing) It's a pretty lame party.
Ronnie
Does anyone want to dance?

Scene 52

1 line
Jim Halpert
(watching baseball game on TV) Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.

Scene 53

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Stanley Hudson
I don't like cake anymore
Andy Bernard
Why not, dawg?
Stanley Hudson
Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.

Scene 54

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael, we have a situation.

Scene 55

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
They should not be in that room.
Holly Flax
That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Michael Scott
You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Let's go mini-golfing.
Holly Flax
Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Michael Scott
Uh...
Holly Flax
It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael Scott
Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight Schrute
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Michael Scott
You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Holly Flax
Really?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Holly Flax
Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Michael Scott
Good luck.

Scene 56

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.

Scene 57

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Party's over. You are so busted!
Michael Scott
OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Phyllis Vance
You said fruit, Michael.
Michael Scott
And what is that?
Phyllis Vance
Cake.
Michael Scott
You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Dwight Schrute
Happy Birthday, Stanley! (kicks cake onto Michael)

Scene 58

1 line
Holly Flax
It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.

Scene 59

3 lines
Kevin Malone
(spreading peanut butter on a bagel) What?
Creed Bratton
Oh nothing.
Kelly Kapoor
It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.

Scene 60

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

Scene 61

1 line
Creed Bratton
That wasn't a tapeworm.

Scene 62

1 line
Ryan Howard
(walks in the office) How's my favorite branch doing? (no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan) All right (sits at reception).

Scene 63

1 line
Michael Scott
Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.

Scene 64

9 lines
Ryan Howard
And you got a goatee!
Michael Scott
I did!
Ryan Howard
Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael Scott
Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Kevin Malone
Firrrrre-duh guy! (high fives Ryan)
Ryan Howard
Hey Kevin... (Kevin gives Ryan a noogie) That's really funny.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Ryan Howard
It's great to see you Kev.
Kevin Malone
You too.

Scene 65

1 line
Ryan Howard
I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.

Scene 66

6 lines
Ryan Howard
Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim Halpert
Well that's great. (shakes Ryan's hand) You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan Howard
I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim Halpert
But he did, right?
Ryan Howard
All right.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 67

1 line
Ryan Howard
(glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list)

Scene 68

5 lines
Darryl Philbin
Well you lost zero pounds. (everyone grumbles) No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Michael Scott
Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. (flails his arms)
Andy Bernard
Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Holly Flax
Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Andy Bernard
NO! I want names!

Scene 69

1 line
Andy Bernard
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.

Scene 70

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
So how was your date?
Holly Flax
Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Michael Scott
(groans painfully)
Holly Flax
What's wrong?
Michael Scott
(struggling to speak) Mmm--- mmm... Um...

Scene 71

5 lines
Michael Scott
Close the door. This is your fault.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Michael Scott
Your stupid friend zone.
Jim Halpert
Mmm.
Michael Scott
I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!

Scene 72

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. (looking at Phyllis) And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim Halpert
How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim Halpert
No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight Schrute
This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Scene 73

9 lines
Ryan Howard
Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan Howard
I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.
Kelly Kapoor
Cool.
Ryan Howard
We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?
Kelly Kapoor
Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...
Ryan Howard
That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.
Kelly Kapoor
It's a small office.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.

Scene 74

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
Phyllis Vance
Yes you were.
Dwight Schrute
But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?
Phyllis Vance
Split the commission?
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) Sixty - forty. Hm? (they shake hands) I'll drive.

Scene 75

1 line
Ryan Howard
(exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan)

Scene 76

4 lines
Holly Flax
Dieting's only half of it.
Michael Scott
Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Holly Flax
And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
Michael Scott
Gah, the dreadmill. (both laugh)

Scene 77

1 line
Jim Halpert
Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers.

Scene 78

8 lines
Friend
Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.
Pam Beesly
What?
Friend
My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.
Pam Beesly
Really, where?
Friend
No no! Don't look! (Pam sees an old lady behind him)
Pam Beesly
Wow, was it the age difference?
Friend
Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. (they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers)
Pam Beesly
Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!

Scene 79

8 lines
Phyllis Vance
(storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath) Are you insane?!
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey!
Oscar Martinez
Oh my God, what happened?
Phyllis Vance
There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight Schrute
And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! (claps)
Phyllis Vance
You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? (Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials) You look great. I can definitely see the difference.
Phyllis Vance
(into phone) Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.

Scene 80

5 lines
Holly Flax
"...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---"
Michael Scott
(in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice) Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
Holly Flax
What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Fair question.
Michael Scott
I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. (hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig) They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.

Scene 81

1 line
Michael Scott
It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.

Scene 82

17 lines
Michael Scott
Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim Halpert
See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.
Michael Scott
If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?"
Kevin Malone
Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael Scott
How do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar Martinez
Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
Michael Scott
How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar Martinez
I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Michael Scott
No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Dwight Schrute
Vamping.
Michael Scott
Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?
Dwight Schrute
Eh, I've been sitting all day.
Michael Scott
We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. (to Ryan) Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Ryan Howard
I did.
Michael Scott
Why?
Ryan Howard
(at a loss for words)

Scene 83

5 lines
Professor
So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. (Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh) Others feel that fungus is do to an over---
Pam Beesly
(to friend) Nice.
Professor
Quiet please.
Pam Beesly
Sorry.
Friend
Sorry.

Scene 84

15 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.
Dwight Schrute
She should thank me.
Michael Scott
Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
Phyllis Vance
Why should I have to thank him?
Michael Scott
You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.
Dwight Schrute
(exhales) I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Michael Scott
Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? (Phyllis sits) Let's all clap at Phyllis. (everyone claps) Ok! (in Michael Clump voice) When Michael Clump wants to remind you (normal voice) that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. (kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him) Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. (Kelly stands up on her chair) Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?
Ryan Howard
(stands up) Everything. She's perfect.
Meredith Palmer
I like her nails.
Michael Scott
Ok, be more specific.
Meredith Palmer
I like her fingernails.
Phyllis Vance
I like her purple dress.
Michael Scott
What about her looks?
Creed Bratton
Hell of an ass.
Kelly Kapoor
...what else do people like?

Scene 85

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.

Scene 86

3 lines
Michael Scott
Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
Kelly Kapoor
I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!
Michael Scott
I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. (Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest) Mmmmmm.

Scene 87

1 line
Jim Halpert
Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?

Scene 88

12 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.
Ryan Howard
Oh...
Michael Scott
Ahaha, Yep! (Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee)
Oscar Martinez
How was Friday night?
Holly Flax
Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...
Oscar Martinez
He'll call.
Michael Scott
Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
Darryl Philbin
You guys lost four pounds.
Michael Scott
Hey!
Darryl Philbin
I say we have a parade.
Dwight Schrute
We better.
Michael Scott
Excellent! Good job.

Scene 89

23 lines
Jim Halpert
So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...
Pam Beesly
You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.
Jim Halpert
I know. I suck.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, you do.
Jim Halpert
Dwight says "Hi."
Dwight Schrute
I do not! I do not say "Hi" Pam!
Jim Halpert
Now he is saying "Hi" louder.
Pam Beesly
I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?
Jim Halpert
Umm...
Pam Beesly
No football games, recitals, karate tournaments.
Jim Halpert
Hey, can you go to IM?
Pam Beesly
OK.
Jim Halpert
OK.
Jim Halpert
(JIM9334 screen name) Let's meet for lunch.
Dwight Schrute
What are you writing about me?
Pam Beesly
(Receptionitis15 screen name) What -- today?
Jim Halpert
(JIM9334 screen name) Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class.
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna write you up for not working.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working.
Pam Beesly
(Receptionitis15 screen name) Where?
Jim Halpert
(JIM9334 screen name) The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock.
Pam Beesly
(Receptionitis15 screen name) Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project (Dwight emoticon).

Scene 90

1 line
Jim Halpert
(holds up an ASCII image of Dwight)

Scene 91

13 lines
Michael Scott
Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?
Holly Flax
I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...
Michael Scott
No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?
Holly Flax
Oh, no.
Michael Scott
Really?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
Aach.
Holly Flax
And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?
Michael Scott
I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.
Holly Flax
Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds.
Michael Scott
Ugh.
Holly Flax
Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters.
Michael Scott
Wait, do we have until the end of the day?

Scene 92

2 lines
Holly Flax
So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all.
Andy Bernard
Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. (turns up thermostat) It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge.

Scene 93

1 line
Andy Bernard
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.

Scene 94

6 lines
Michael Scott
(Kelly eating in the break room) Hey, is that healthy food?
Kelly Kapoor
Nope.
Michael Scott
We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?
Jim Halpert
Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late.
Michael Scott
Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?
Jim Halpert
Perfect.

Scene 95

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray)

Scene 96

18 lines
Angela Martin
I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Andy Bernard
Your wish is my command.
Angela Martin
Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?
Andy Bernard
Of course!
Angela Martin
Really?
Andy Bernard
Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
Angela Martin
Mmhmm.
Andy Bernard
And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.
Angela Martin
The guys?
Andy Bernard
I didn't tell you.
Angela Martin
Mm-mm
Andy Bernard
Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.
Angela Martin
I don't think that...
Andy Bernard
And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.
Angela Martin
I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Andy Bernard
Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.
Angela Martin
(Angela dials the phone) Let's talk about this later. (Dwight's pager buzzes)
Andy Bernard
Mm-wah! (Angela walks away, Dwight follows)

Scene 97

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
Jim Halpert
(Jim gets down on one knee)
Pam Beesly
What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
I just... couldn't wait.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God!
Jim Halpert
Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesly
Oh my God!
Jim Halpert
So?
Pam Beesly
Yes! (they embrace and kiss)

Scene 98

33 lines
Dwight Schrute
God. Where is Jim?
Holly Flax
I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
Michael Scott
Aww, really?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
Holly Flax
Yeah?
Michael Scott
...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Holly Flax
Aww man, I really wanted to see them.
Michael Scott
I know. I love Counting Crows.
Holly Flax
Look at where my seats were.
Michael Scott
Wow, really?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
Holly Flax
Michael, you don't have to buy them.
Michael Scott
I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.
Holly Flax
Ok.
Michael Scott
Ok?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Alright. Alright! (tears up tickets) Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Is that good?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Hey, sorry everybody.
Dwight Schrute
What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.
Andy Bernard
Wet Tuna!
Jim Halpert
Hey Dwight.
Michael Scott
OK.
Jim Halpert
What's up, Meredith?
Meredith Palmer
Nothing.
Dwight Schrute
Dripping on me.
Michael Scott
Darryl, would you do the honors?
Darryl Philbin
Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. (everyone moans) Sorry guys.
Michael Scott
Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.

Scene 99

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway.

Scene 100

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish) Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.