Read the full script and quotes from The Office's "Moroccan Christmas" episode. Michael throws a Moroccan-themed Christmas party, while Dwight tries to sell Princess Unicorn dolls. This page contains all the lines from the episode.
Dwight Schrute:What is this?
Jim Halpert:Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight Schrute:You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Jim Halpert:Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. (scoffs) Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim Halpert:I think it'll take you a little longer than that.
Dwight Schrute:Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- (sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor)
Stanley Hudson:Eh...
Phyllis Vance:I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.
Stanley Hudson:I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. (Kevin is wearing the same hat)
Phyllis Vance:This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco". This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
Michael Scott:Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party?
Phyllis Vance:Yes.
Michael Scott:Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
Phyllis Vance:Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.
Angela Martin:It's the nativity scene.
Phyllis Vance:Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.
Angela Martin:I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
Phyllis Vance:I need you to get rid of the tree.
Angela Martin:But--
Phyllis Vance:Thank you.
Phyllis Vance:Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter.
Jim Halpert:Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight Schrute:These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.
Dwight Schrute:Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: "My horn can pierce the sky". Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? (makes doll nod)
Jim Halpert:That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight Schrute:I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Jim Halpert:Yes.
Michael Scott:Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight Schrute:They are now.
Michael Scott:Cool. (sings) My horn can pierce the sky.
Michael Scott:This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.
Meredith Palmer:(drinks) Oh... my... GOD!!! (laughs) Hit me again.
Michael Scott:Alright... One more time around the block.
Jim Halpert:I will grant you one wish.
Pam Beesly:I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim Halpert:Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. (Pam laughs) Dumb.
Andy Bernard:(sitting on floor playing the sitar) Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. (sings) There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. (laughs)
Angela Martin:Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.
Andy Bernard:(sings) There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
Michael Scott:Jim, Jim....
Jim Halpert:What is it?
Michael Scott:That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Jim Halpert:Wow, that is delicious.
Michael Scott:Yeah.
Jim Halpert:Can't believe no ones thought of that.
Michael Scott:I know.
Meredith Palmer:(dancing drunkenly) Ahh yeah!!
Meredith Palmer:(continuing to dance, lifting her shirt) Belly dancing!
Guy buying doll:120, 180... 200.
Dwight Schrute:All right.
Guy:Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, so glad I could help.
Guy:Thanks.
Dwight Schrute:Merry Christmas.
Guy:You too.
Dwight Schrute:Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.
Michael Scott:(sighs) Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.
Jim Halpert:(Meredith's hair is on fire) Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Dwight Schrute:We got a live one! On fire!! (Dwight extinguishes Meredith)
Meredith Palmer:I'm all right. I'm all right.
Andy Bernard:Sorry.
Oscar Martinez:We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?
Michael Scott:Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth
Oscar Martinez:What about February 2nd?
Jim Halpert:Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?
Michael Scott:No, no. I celebrate privately.
Jim Halpert:That's cool.
Michael Scott:Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
Oscar Martinez:Now? It's our Christmas party.
Michael Scott:We'll do it quickly.
Jim Halpert:Well what if we can't do it quickly.
Michael Scott:(mimicking) What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Oscar Martinez:Do you know how to do an intervention?
Michael Scott:Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.
Michael Scott:An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its-- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.
Phyllis Vance:It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them.
Angela Martin:I don't--
Phyllis Vance:And napkins... fanned.
Michael Scott:Okay, how do you feel?
Meredith Palmer:A little better. I threw up.
Michael Scott:Uck... T.M.I.
Kevin Malone:Fire girl. (looks around) Too soon?
Jim Halpert:Yeah.
Michael Scott:Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.
Toby Flenderson:Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking.
Michael Scott:I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer:I'm not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott:Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. (everyone raises their hand)
Dwight Schrute:Aye.
Michael Scott:The aye's have it.
Meredith Palmer:I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott:Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? (pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket)
Andy Bernard:When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.
Michael Scott:Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith Palmer:Sure.
Michael Scott:Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith Palmer:Obviously.
Michael Scott:Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar Martinez:Where did you get this?
Michael Scott:I got it on a website, that's not important.
Toby Flenderson:Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing.
Michael Scott:Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?
Kelly Kapoor:Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.
Michael Scott:Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. (Kevin raises his hand) Yes, Kevin.
Kevin Malone:Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott:That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that.
Kevin Malone:Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer:You're welcome.
Michael Scott:Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?
Dwight Schrute:No, I like Meredith.
Dwight Schrute:Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. (holds up his fist) Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
Michael Scott:Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith Palmer:I am fine.
Michael Scott:Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
Meredith Palmer:I know I drink. I like to party
Michael Scott:I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer:I am not an alcoholic!
Michael Scott:You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.
Phyllis Vance:I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. (holds up shot glass) I don't think they're appropriate anymore.
Angela Martin:Please stop making me do these things.
Phyllis Vance:Oh, sorry, it's your job.
Angela Martin:But it's the season of mercy.
Phyllis Vance:You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?
Angela Martin:I lost it. (Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on)
Phyllis Vance:Ok... nice.
Meredith Palmer:I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael Scott:(amid groans from the rest of the office) Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute:I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight Schrute:There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
Michael Scott:Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.
Michael Scott:Dwight--
Dwight Schrute:She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott:(sighs)...okay.
Dwight Schrute:I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim Halpert:Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.
Dwight Schrute:Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed Bratton:I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight Schrute:Really?
Toby Flenderson:Okay you know, this-- this is over.
Stanley Hudson:I agree.
Jim Halpert:Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.
Michael Scott:Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.
Michael Scott:You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I-- a watch would be nice.
Jim Halpert:(watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office) They've been in there for 45 minutes.
Pam Beesly:I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. (Jim laughs)
Phyllis Vance:That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. (Angela spits her cookie out)
Stanley Hudson:Mmmm... chewy.
Jim Halpert:(Andy playing the sitar) Hey.
Andy Bernard:What's up?
Jim Halpert:Do you take requests?
Andy Bernard:Sure.
Jim Halpert:Please stop. People are having a Christmas party.
Michael Scott:(whispers to Meredith) I'll be down in a minute. (walks over to Toby) Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?
Toby Flenderson:Sure. Wow. (Michael throws a pen at his head) Ow...
Meredith Palmer:We just missed Poor Richards.
Michael Scott:We did?
Meredith Palmer:Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?
Michael Scott:Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.
Meredith Palmer:The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's...
Michael Scott:We could go there, sure.
Meredith Palmer:...Brixx's, Carmen's...
Michael Scott:Yes, yes.
Meredith Palmer:...The Fort, Andy Gavin's.
Michael Scott:I have a new place.
Meredith Palmer:Well, it must have just opened up.
Michael Scott:It-- yep, recently.
Meredith Palmer:Yeah... all right.
Michael Scott:All right.
Meredith Palmer:Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. (changes radio station) Yeah!
Michael Scott:Yeah, oh there you go.
Meredith Palmer:Yeah!
Michael Scott:That's good.
Meredith Palmer:Yeah that's better.
Michael Scott:We're party girls.
Toby Flenderson:(on phone) Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?
Sasha:(shouting excitedly over the phone) Daddy, daddy, daddy!!
Toby Flenderson:No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it.
Toby Flenderson:This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. (chuckles) For once daddy's gonna be a hero.
Dwight Schrute:$200.
Darryl Philbin:Yo.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, that's my last one.
Toby Flenderson:Oh, no, I-- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll.
