Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Moroccan Christmas

Vol. 5 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Phyllis's "Nights in Morocco" party is a total disaster, mostly thanks to Meredith's hair catching fire and Michael's awkward intervention. Every line from the episode is right here, from Dwight’s Princess Unicorn scam to the big reveal about Angela’s secret. Scroll through the full script to find your favorite moments from this chaotic Office holiday party.

Scene 01

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
What is this?
Jim Halpert
Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight Schrute
You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Jim Halpert
Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. (scoffs) Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim Halpert
I think it'll take you a little longer than that.
Dwight Schrute
Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- (sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor)

Scene 02

3 lines
Stanley Hudson
Eh...
Phyllis Vance
I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.
Stanley Hudson
I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. (Kevin is wearing the same hat)

Scene 03

1 line
Phyllis Vance
This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco". This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.

Scene 04

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party?
Phyllis Vance
Yes.
Michael Scott
Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.

Scene 05

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.
Angela Martin
It's the nativity scene.
Phyllis Vance
Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.

Scene 06

1 line
Angela Martin
I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

Scene 07

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
I need you to get rid of the tree.
Angela Martin
But--
Phyllis Vance
Thank you.

Scene 08

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Scene 09

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight Schrute
These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: "My horn can pierce the sky". Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? (makes doll nod)

Scene 11

6 lines
Jim Halpert
That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight Schrute
I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight Schrute
They are now.
Michael Scott
Cool. (sings) My horn can pierce the sky.

Scene 12

3 lines
Michael Scott
This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.
Meredith Palmer
(drinks) Oh... my... GOD!!! (laughs) Hit me again.
Michael Scott
Alright... One more time around the block.

Scene 13

6 lines
Jim Halpert
I will grant you one wish.
Pam Beesly
I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim Halpert
Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. (Pam laughs) Dumb.
Andy Bernard
(sitting on floor playing the sitar) Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. (sings) There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. (laughs)
Angela Martin
Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.
Andy Bernard
(sings) There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.

Scene 14

7 lines
Michael Scott
Jim, Jim....
Jim Halpert
What is it?
Michael Scott
That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that is delicious.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Can't believe no ones thought of that.
Michael Scott
I know.

Scene 15

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(dancing drunkenly) Ahh yeah!!

Scene 16

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(continuing to dance, lifting her shirt) Belly dancing!

Scene 17

7 lines
Guy buying doll
120, 180... 200.
Dwight Schrute
All right.
Guy
Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, so glad I could help.
Guy
Thanks.
Dwight Schrute
Merry Christmas.
Guy
You too.

Scene 18

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
(sighs) Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.

Scene 20

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Meredith's hair is on fire) Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Dwight Schrute
We got a live one! On fire!! (Dwight extinguishes Meredith)

Scene 21

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I'm all right. I'm all right.

Scene 22

1 line
Andy Bernard
Sorry.

Scene 23

13 lines
Oscar Martinez
We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?
Michael Scott
Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth
Oscar Martinez
What about February 2nd?
Jim Halpert
Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?
Michael Scott
No, no. I celebrate privately.
Jim Halpert
That's cool.
Michael Scott
Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
Oscar Martinez
Now? It's our Christmas party.
Michael Scott
We'll do it quickly.
Jim Halpert
Well what if we can't do it quickly.
Michael Scott
(mimicking) What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Oscar Martinez
Do you know how to do an intervention?
Michael Scott
Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its-- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Scene 25

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them.
Angela Martin
I don't--
Phyllis Vance
And napkins... fanned.

Scene 26

14 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, how do you feel?
Meredith Palmer
A little better. I threw up.
Michael Scott
Uck... T.M.I.
Kevin Malone
Fire girl. (looks around) Too soon?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking.
Michael Scott
I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer
I'm not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott
Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. (everyone raises their hand)
Dwight Schrute
Aye.
Michael Scott
The aye's have it.
Meredith Palmer
I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott
Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? (pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket)

Scene 27

1 line
Andy Bernard
When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.

Scene 28

17 lines
Michael Scott
Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith Palmer
Sure.
Michael Scott
Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith Palmer
Obviously.
Michael Scott
Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar Martinez
Where did you get this?
Michael Scott
I got it on a website, that's not important.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing.
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.
Michael Scott
Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. (Kevin raises his hand) Yes, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott
That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
You're welcome.
Michael Scott
Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?
Dwight Schrute
No, I like Meredith.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. (holds up his fist) Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Scene 30

7 lines
Michael Scott
Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith Palmer
I am fine.
Michael Scott
Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
Meredith Palmer
I know I drink. I like to party
Michael Scott
I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer
I am not an alcoholic!
Michael Scott
You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.

Scene 31

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. (holds up shot glass) I don't think they're appropriate anymore.

Scene 32

6 lines
Angela Martin
Please stop making me do these things.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, sorry, it's your job.
Angela Martin
But it's the season of mercy.
Phyllis Vance
You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?
Angela Martin
I lost it. (Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on)
Phyllis Vance
Ok... nice.

Scene 33

3 lines
Meredith Palmer
I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael Scott
(amid groans from the rest of the office) Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute
I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Scene 35

14 lines
Michael Scott
Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.
Michael Scott
Dwight--
Dwight Schrute
She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott
(sighs)...okay.
Dwight Schrute
I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.
Dwight Schrute
Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed Bratton
I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Toby Flenderson
Okay you know, this-- this is over.
Stanley Hudson
I agree.
Jim Halpert
Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.
Michael Scott
Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I-- a watch would be nice.

Scene 37

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office) They've been in there for 45 minutes.
Pam Beesly
I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. (Jim laughs)

Scene 38

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. (Angela spits her cookie out)
Stanley Hudson
Mmmm... chewy.

Scene 39

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(Andy playing the sitar) Hey.
Andy Bernard
What's up?
Jim Halpert
Do you take requests?
Andy Bernard
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Please stop. People are having a Christmas party.

Scene 40

2 lines
Michael Scott
(whispers to Meredith) I'll be down in a minute. (walks over to Toby) Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?
Toby Flenderson
Sure. Wow. (Michael throws a pen at his head) Ow...

Scene 41

20 lines
Meredith Palmer
We just missed Poor Richards.
Michael Scott
We did?
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?
Michael Scott
Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.
Meredith Palmer
The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's...
Michael Scott
We could go there, sure.
Meredith Palmer
...Brixx's, Carmen's...
Michael Scott
Yes, yes.
Meredith Palmer
...The Fort, Andy Gavin's.
Michael Scott
I have a new place.
Meredith Palmer
Well, it must have just opened up.
Michael Scott
It-- yep, recently.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah... all right.
Michael Scott
All right.
Meredith Palmer
Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. (changes radio station) Yeah!
Michael Scott
Yeah, oh there you go.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah!
Michael Scott
That's good.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah that's better.
Michael Scott
We're party girls.

Scene 42

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
(on phone) Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?
Sasha
(shouting excitedly over the phone) Daddy, daddy, daddy!!
Toby Flenderson
No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it.

Scene 43

1 line
Toby Flenderson
This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. (chuckles) For once daddy's gonna be a hero.

Scene 44

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
$200.
Darryl Philbin
Yo.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's my last one.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, no, I-- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll.
Darryl Philbin
Thanks man.
Toby Flenderson
I was-- I was gonna get the doll.
Dwight Schrute
Not my problem.
Toby Flenderson
But I-- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look-- I-- I need the doll, I need the doll. I-- I'm-- I'm begging you. I just-- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll.
Darryl Philbin
All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400.
Toby Flenderson
I only have $200.
Darryl Philbin
You can owe me.
Toby Flenderson
(laughs) Oh man, thanks, thank you, (tearing up) thank you, thank you.
Darryl Philbin
I know, right. Merry Christmas.
Toby Flenderson
Oh thanks. She's gonna... (notices the doll is black) oh...
Darryl Philbin
Something wrong with the doll?
Toby Flenderson
No. It's even-- it's even better than the one I wanted.

Scene 45

23 lines
Meredith Palmer
Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!
Michael Scott
It's okay. It's all right.
Meredith Palmer
No way! There is no way! No way!
Michael Scott
Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on--
Meredith Palmer
No way! No way! There is no way!
Michael Scott
Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Meredith Palmer
No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!
Michael Scott
Yes you are. (tries to pull Meredith from the car)
Meredith Palmer
I am not going in there! NO!!
Meredith Palmer
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!
Michael Scott
Shhh... just calm down.
Meredith Palmer
(runs away) Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!
Michael Scott
(chasing Meredith) Come on. Shh...
Meredith Palmer
No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!
Michael Scott
Here's the door. Here's the door.
Meredith Palmer
There is no way! There is no way! No! No!
Michael Scott
(dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center) Let's start meeting-- Hello. How are you?
Meredith Palmer
This man is crazy! This man is crazy!
Rehab Nurse
Can I help you?
Michael Scott
I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer
No! No! No! No! No!
Michael Scott
So do I sign?
Meredith Palmer
NO!!!

Scene 46

8 lines
Phyllis Vance
I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
Angela Martin
It's outside.
Phyllis Vance
I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Angela Martin
Shut up.
Phyllis Vance
Excuse me?
Angela Martin
I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.
Phyllis Vance
Okay. (starts to walk away, then turns around) Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Dwight Schrute
Well don't look so surprised.

Scene 47

8 lines
Pam Beesly
I knew it.
Jim Halpert
You did not know it.
Pam Beesly
I knew some of it.
Jim Halpert
Everyone knew some of it.
Pam Beesly
It's Christmas.
Jim Halpert
You knew it.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. I knew it.
Jim Halpert
She knew it.

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Scene 49

3 lines
Andy Bernard
All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. (sings) Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. (laughs)
Angela Martin
I think I'd like to go home now.
Andy Bernard
Sure. Dooo. Tough room. (chuckles) Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.