Every line from The Office episode "Moroccan Christmas", season 5 episode 10.
Dwight Schrute: What is this?
Jim Halpert: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight Schrute: You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Jim Halpert: Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. (scoffs) Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim Halpert: I think it'll take you a little longer than that.
Dwight Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- (sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor)
Phyllis Vance: Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.
Angela Martin: It's the nativity scene.
Phyllis Vance: Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.
Jim Halpert: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight Schrute: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. (sings) My horn can pierce the sky.
Michael Scott: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.
Meredith Palmer: (drinks) Oh... my... GOD!!! (laughs) Hit me again.
Michael Scott: Alright... One more time around the block.
Jim Halpert: I will grant you one wish.
Pam Beesly: I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim Halpert: Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. (Pam laughs) Dumb.
Andy Bernard: (sitting on floor playing the sitar) Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. (sings) There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. (laughs)
Angela Martin: Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.
Andy Bernard: (sings) There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
Michael Scott: Jim, Jim....
Michael Scott: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that is delicious.
Jim Halpert: Can't believe no ones thought of that.
Guy buying doll: 120, 180... 200.
Dwight Schrute: All right.
Guy: Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so glad I could help.
Dwight Schrute: Merry Christmas.
Oscar Martinez: We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?
Michael Scott: Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth
Oscar Martinez: What about February 2nd?
Jim Halpert: Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?
Michael Scott: No, no. I celebrate privately.
Jim Halpert: That's cool.
Michael Scott: Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
Oscar Martinez: Now? It's our Christmas party.
Michael Scott: We'll do it quickly.
Jim Halpert: Well what if we can't do it quickly.
Michael Scott: (mimicking) What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Oscar Martinez: Do you know how to do an intervention?
Michael Scott: Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.
Michael Scott: Okay, how do you feel?
Meredith Palmer: A little better. I threw up.
Michael Scott: Uck... T.M.I.
Kevin Malone: Fire girl. (looks around) Too soon?
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking.
Michael Scott: I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer: I'm not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott: Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. (everyone raises their hand)
Michael Scott: The aye's have it.
Meredith Palmer: I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott: Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? (pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket)
Andy Bernard: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.
Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith Palmer: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar Martinez: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website, that's not important.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.
Michael Scott: Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. (Kevin raises his hand) Yes, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott: That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: You're welcome.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?
Dwight Schrute: No, I like Meredith.
Michael Scott: Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith Palmer: I am fine.
Michael Scott: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
Meredith Palmer: I know I drink. I like to party
Michael Scott: I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer: I am not an alcoholic!
Michael Scott: You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.
Angela Martin: Please stop making me do these things.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, sorry, it's your job.
Angela Martin: But it's the season of mercy.
Phyllis Vance: You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?
Angela Martin: I lost it. (Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on)
Phyllis Vance: Ok... nice.
Meredith Palmer: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael Scott: (amid groans from the rest of the office) Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Michael Scott: Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.
Dwight Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: (sighs)...okay.
Dwight Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.
Dwight Schrute: Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed Bratton: I can get you one in an hour.
Toby Flenderson: Okay you know, this-- this is over.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.
Michael Scott: Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.
Meredith Palmer: We just missed Poor Richards.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?
Michael Scott: Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.
Meredith Palmer: The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's...
Michael Scott: We could go there, sure.
Meredith Palmer: ...Brixx's, Carmen's...
Meredith Palmer: ...The Fort, Andy Gavin's.
Michael Scott: I have a new place.
Meredith Palmer: Well, it must have just opened up.
Michael Scott: It-- yep, recently.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah... all right.
Michael Scott: All right.
Meredith Palmer: Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. (changes radio station) Yeah!
Michael Scott: Yeah, oh there you go.
Michael Scott: That's good.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah that's better.
Michael Scott: We're party girls.
Toby Flenderson: (on phone) Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?
Sasha: (shouting excitedly over the phone) Daddy, daddy, daddy!!
Toby Flenderson: No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's my last one.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, no, I-- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks man.
Toby Flenderson: I was-- I was gonna get the doll.
Dwight Schrute: Not my problem.
Toby Flenderson: But I-- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look-- I-- I need the doll, I need the doll. I-- I'm-- I'm begging you. I just-- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll.
Darryl Philbin: All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400.
Toby Flenderson: I only have $200.
Darryl Philbin: You can owe me.
Toby Flenderson: (laughs) Oh man, thanks, thank you, (tearing up) thank you, thank you.
Darryl Philbin: I know, right. Merry Christmas.
Toby Flenderson: Oh thanks. She's gonna... (notices the doll is black) oh...
Darryl Philbin: Something wrong with the doll?
Toby Flenderson: No. It's even-- it's even better than the one I wanted.
Meredith Palmer: Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!
Michael Scott: It's okay. It's all right.
Meredith Palmer: No way! There is no way! No way!
Michael Scott: Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on--
Meredith Palmer: No way! No way! There is no way!
Michael Scott: Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Meredith Palmer: No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!
Michael Scott: Yes you are. (tries to pull Meredith from the car)
Meredith Palmer: I am not going in there! NO!!
Meredith Palmer: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!
Michael Scott: Shhh... just calm down.
Meredith Palmer: (runs away) Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!
Michael Scott: (chasing Meredith) Come on. Shh...
Meredith Palmer: No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!
Michael Scott: Here's the door. Here's the door.
Meredith Palmer: There is no way! There is no way! No! No!
Michael Scott: (dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center) Let's start meeting-- Hello. How are you?
Meredith Palmer: This man is crazy! This man is crazy!
Rehab Nurse: Can I help you?
Michael Scott: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
Meredith Palmer: No! No! No! No! No!
Michael Scott: So do I sign?
Phyllis Vance: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
Angela Martin: It's outside.
Phyllis Vance: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Phyllis Vance: Excuse me?
Angela Martin: I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.
Phyllis Vance: Okay. (starts to walk away, then turns around) Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Dwight Schrute: Well don't look so surprised.
Jim Halpert: You did not know it.
Pam Beesly: I knew some of it.
Jim Halpert: Everyone knew some of it.
Pam Beesly: It's Christmas.
Jim Halpert: You knew it.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. I knew it.
Jim Halpert: She knew it.
Andy Bernard: All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. (sings) Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. (laughs)
Angela Martin: I think I'd like to go home now.
Andy Bernard: Sure. Dooo. Tough room. (chuckles) Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 5. Moroccan Christmas is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.