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Season 5 Episode 11
The Duel

Every line from The Office episode "The Duel", season 5 episode 11.

Pam Beesly: (answering the phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
Michael Scott: (heard yelling from the street) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!
Pam Beesly: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Dwight Schrute: (yelling as he runs past the radar gun) Aah!
Phyllis Vance: Wow, thirteen!
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: No. No, no. There was wind.
Dwight Schrute: I was just jogging.
Michael Scott: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.
Michael Scott: I want another try. Here we go! (Michael runs past the radar as a car passes) Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
Stanley Hudson: There was a car.
Michael Scott: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar Martinez: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Michael Scott: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.
Oscar Martinez: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: Beat it!
Michael Scott: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by (in an authoritative voice) Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. (in normal voice) He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.
Pam Beesly: Quick announcement: new year, new candy.
Kevin Malone: Whoo-hoo!
Pam Beesly: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.
Kevin Malone: Hot tamales.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: Uh oh.
Pam Beesly: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more...
Andy Bernard: (entering the office) Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... (sighs) No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.
Michael Scott: Wait, you still don't know...
Jim Halpert: (getting up quickly to silence Michael) No, no. Nope.
Andy Bernard: Hmm?
Jim Halpert: Nothing.
Michael Scott: You still don't know.
Jim Halpert: Why don't... Let's...
Michael Scott: (to Jim) What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...
Michael Scott: Andy.
Jim Halpert: Ahh! (ushers Michael into his office)
Andy Bernard: No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you.
Michael Scott: (from inside his office) No, what I'm saying is...
Jim Halpert: No, no.
Michael Scott: No, that's not it.
Jim Halpert: I know.
Jim Halpert: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.
Michael Scott: (sighs) How can he still not know?
Jim Halpert: We can't figure that out.
Michael Scott: I can't take it anymore.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, what? You can't take what?
Michael Scott: I am telling Andy.
Dwight Schrute: No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.
Michael Scott: Who should it come from, then?
Everyone: (simultaneously) Angela.
Michael Scott: (to Dwight) Are you still having intercourse with her? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')
Oscar Martinez: What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Michael Scott: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')
Oscar Martinez: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? (Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully) Where? (Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks) Where, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: (coolly) Seems like you already know where.
Angela Martin: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away.
Angela Martin: That's enough.
Kevin Malone: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... (Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar) What?
Oscar Martinez: That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.
Kevin Malone: How about, "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?"
Oscar Martinez: There you go.
Andy Bernard: (on the phone) That cannot be true! (Dwight jumps) You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself...
Dwight Schrute: (whispering to Jim) Trade seats with me.
Jim Halpert: No.
Dwight Schrute: I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
Jim Halpert: Please stop.
Dwight Schrute: (grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it) I need a soup spoon.
Dwight Schrute: Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. (sings) Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. (makes chomping sound)
Dwight Schrute: (moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention)
Angela Martin: What is it?
Dwight Schrute: You've got to tell Andy about us.
Angela Martin: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Dwight Schrute: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.
Angela Martin: You're expanding on your worst idea.
Dwight Schrute: Do you love me or not?
Angela Martin: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?
Dwight Schrute: Because you're engaged to Andy.
Angela Martin: (sighs)
Michael Scott: Well?
Dwight Schrute: Not yet.
Jim Halpert: When?
Andy Bernard: When what? (clears throat) When what?
Michael Scott: You know this can't go on.
Andy Bernard: What can't go on?
Michael Scott: We have to put an end to this.
Andy Bernard: Seems like...
Michael Scott: Come on. (Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office)
Andy Bernard: You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying.
Jim Halpert: This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Dwight Schrute: Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.
Michael Scott: When will she be ready?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight Schrute: (boastfully) Yes.
Jim Halpert: Stop. What?
Michael Scott: How so, specifically?
Jim Halpert: Okay, listen.
Dwight Schrute: Eager.
Jim Halpert: This shouldn't happen at work.
Dwight Schrute: And flexible.
Jim Halpert: And!
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.
Michael Scott: It's too late.
Jim Halpert: Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything.
Michael Scott: I am already walking.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.
Michael Scott: Okay, what does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: Might get ugly.
Michael Scott: (sighs) Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.
Jim Halpert: But you're leaving...
Dwight Schrute: (to Michael, who opens the door to leave) Have a good trip.
Michael Scott: Thanks. (to Andy) Andy?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Walk with me.
Andy Bernard: Will do, boss-man.
Michael Scott: Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...
Andy Bernard: You're not making any sense.
Michael Scott: Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Andy Bernard: All righty.
Michael Scott: Which will be fine. I am off!
Andy Bernard: Have a good meeting!
Michael Scott: Thank you! (gets into his car)
Andy Bernard: (through the car window) Kick Wallace's ass!
Michael Scott: (through the car window) Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...
Andy Bernard: I can't hear you through the glass
Michael Scott: (rolls down car window) Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
Andy Bernard: What?
Michael Scott: All right. See you later. (backs out of the parking space) Ahh.
Andy Bernard: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yep. (drives off)
Meredith Palmer: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Oscar Martinez: You said that yesterday.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.
Jim Halpert: (to Dwight) What are you standing for?
Dwight Schrute: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.
Jim Halpert: You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.
Dwight Schrute: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit...
Andy Bernard: (enters the office and walks to Angela) I need to talk to you.
Angela Martin: We can talk right here.
Andy Bernard: I need to talk to you in private.
Kevin Malone: We're not listening.
Andy Bernard: Let's go to the conference room.
Andy Bernard: Is it true?
Angela Martin: What have you heard?
Andy Bernard: That you're sleeping with Dwight.
Angela Martin: That doesn't sound like me.
Andy Bernard: Is it true?
Angela Martin: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake...
Andy Bernard: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela Martin: A little bit.
Andy Bernard: How long has it been going on?
Angela Martin: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again.
Andy Bernard: Who else knows about it?
Angela Martin: Michael.
Andy Bernard: Who else?
Angela Martin: (quietly) Let me think about it... I, um... there... (Andy looks over to see everyone watching them)
Andy Bernard: Oh God. Come on!
David Wallace: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?
Michael Scott: Right what?
David Wallace: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. (Michael smiles) Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael Scott: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
Michael Scott: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
Michael Scott: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.
David Wallace: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.
Michael Scott: (pokes his head in) Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
David Wallace: What say we do.
Angela Martin: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
Andy Bernard: So like, missionary...
Angela Martin: I said nothing fancy.
Andy Bernard: Do you love him?
Angela Martin: I love you.
Andy Bernard: Why should I believe that?
Angela Martin: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together.
Andy Bernard: Who says that?
Angela Martin: Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.
Andy Bernard: Where's Dwight?
Jim Halpert: You okay, man?
Andy Bernard: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
Creed Bratton: You are welcome.
Andy Bernard: (Dwight enters) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Andy.
Andy Bernard: It's over.
Dwight Schrute: Oh good. She broke up with you.
Andy Bernard: No. It's over between you two.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no way. I am not giving up.
Andy Bernard: You have to.
Dwight Schrute: No I don't.
Andy Bernard: (forcefully) She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.
Dwight Schrute: (angrier) Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.
Andy Bernard: Angela Bernard.
Dwight Schrute: Will never be her name.
Andy Bernard: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
Dwight Schrute: I don't think so.
Jim Halpert: Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?
Andy Bernard: I'm telling you to back down.
Dwight Schrute: And I'm telling you that I will never back down.
Andy Bernard: Then I'll make you.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Andy Bernard: Through the use of force.
Dwight Schrute: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
Andy Bernard: I will fight you.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.
Andy Bernard: Fine!
Dwight Schrute: Fine!
Oscar Martinez: This is nuts.
Dwight Schrute: What is your weapon?
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...
Dwight Schrute: Hey, this is none of your business.
Jim Halpert: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
Andy Bernard: Guess what? Not happening at work.
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Andy Bernard: We're gonna do it outside.
Dwight Schrute: Outside of work.
Andy Bernard: None of your business.
Dwight Schrute: None of your business then. (Dwight and Andy high five) Good. So what weapon?
Andy Bernard: My bare hands.
Dwight Schrute: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
Andy Bernard: Then I'll get something too.
Meredith Palmer: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Pam Beesly: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Angela Martin: (thinks for a moment) I will respect the results of the duel.
Pam Beesly: Of course you will.
Meredith Palmer: I call loser!
Andy Bernard: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
Dwight Schrute: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Andy Bernard: (softly) What a coincidence.
Dwight Schrute: Mm.
Jim Halpert: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
Jim Halpert: (collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe)
Dwight Schrute: (innocently) How'd that get there?
Meredith Palmer: There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Jim Halpert: Thanks Meredith.
Michael Scott: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed."
David Wallace: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. (gets up) And thanks for coming in.
Michael Scott: (rises) Oh, thank you.
David Wallace: Yes.
Michael Scott: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
David Wallace: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. (sits back down to continue eating)
David Wallace: (opens his office door) Yeah, finish up.
Dwight Schrute: (shouting) Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Angela Martin: (watching from the conference room) I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
Kelly Kapoor: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Dwight Schrute: Come on!
Meredith Palmer: Hey, has anything happened yet?
Dwight Schrute: Where are you?
Oscar Martinez: Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin Malone: Oh come on, man! Believe in something.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... (spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it) "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." (scoffs) A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly..." (as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly)
Kelly Kapoor: There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Phyllis Vance: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar Martinez: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Creed Bratton: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: (still reading) Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...
Pam Beesly: Oh my God!
Stanley Hudson: What's happening?
Phyllis Vance: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Everyone watching: Oh!
Dwight Schrute: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Andy Bernard: You give up?
Dwight Schrute: Never! (hits Andy's car with his bike chain) Get out and face me like a man!
Andy Bernard: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight Schrute: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! (hits his car with the bike chain) All you do is dress fancy and sing. (imitating Andy) "La la la la la la la la la la!" What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy Bernard: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight Schrute: Last year, idiot! (hits his car with the bike chain)
Jim Halpert: Dwight! Are your legs broken?
Dwight Schrute: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Jim Halpert: Andy, are you all right?
Andy Bernard: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? (hits his car with the bike chain) Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! (hits his car with the bike chain)
Andy Bernard: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Dwight Schrute: I sa- (Andy honks his horn)
Andy Bernard: What? You stupid idiot! (Andy honks his horn) You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...
Dwight Schrute: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!
Andy Bernard: I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: What!
Dwight Schrute: She's sleeping with you?
Andy Bernard: I'm her fiance.
Dwight Schrute: She said she was only sleeping with me.
Andy Bernard: (enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call) Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.
Dwight Schrute: (picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can)
Andy Bernard: Thank you. (hangs up)
Michael Scott: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. (sighs) Ahh!
Dwight Schrute: (as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 5. The Duel is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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