Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Duel

Vol. 5 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Finally, the truth comes out and things get a little weird in the parking lot between a Prius and a bike chain. You'll find every line from the episode here, so you can follow along as Andy and Dwight battle for Angela's heart. It’s also the perfect place to study Michael’s legendary "improversation" with David Wallace.

Scene 01

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(answering the phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
Michael Scott
(heard yelling from the street) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.

Scene 03

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(yelling as he runs past the radar gun) Aah!
Phyllis Vance
Wow, thirteen!
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Michael Scott
No. No, no. There was wind.
Dwight Schrute
I was just jogging.
Michael Scott
Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.
Michael Scott
I want another try. Here we go! (Michael runs past the radar as a car passes) Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
Stanley Hudson
There was a car.
Michael Scott
I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar Martinez
Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Michael Scott
Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.
Oscar Martinez
That's impossible.
Michael Scott
Beat it!

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by (in an authoritative voice) Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. (in normal voice) He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.

Scene 05

23 lines
Pam Beesly
Quick announcement: new year, new candy.
Kevin Malone
Whoo-hoo!
Pam Beesly
Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.
Kevin Malone
Hot tamales.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Kevin Malone
Uh oh.
Pam Beesly
So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more...
Andy Bernard
(entering the office) Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... (sighs) No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.
Michael Scott
Wait, you still don't know...
Jim Halpert
(getting up quickly to silence Michael) No, no. Nope.
Andy Bernard
Hmm?
Jim Halpert
Nothing.
Michael Scott
You still don't know.
Jim Halpert
Why don't... Let's...
Michael Scott
(to Jim) What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...
Michael Scott
Andy.
Jim Halpert
Ahh! (ushers Michael into his office)
Andy Bernard
No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you.
Michael Scott
(from inside his office) No, what I'm saying is...
Jim Halpert
No, no.
Michael Scott
No, that's not it.
Jim Halpert
I know.

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.

Scene 07

13 lines
Michael Scott
(sighs) How can he still not know?
Jim Halpert
We can't figure that out.
Michael Scott
I can't take it anymore.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what? You can't take what?
Michael Scott
I am telling Andy.
Dwight Schrute
No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.
Michael Scott
Who should it come from, then?
Everyone
(simultaneously) Angela.
Michael Scott
(to Dwight) Are you still having intercourse with her? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')
Oscar Martinez
What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Michael Scott
Did you ever have intercourse in this office? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')
Oscar Martinez
Are you serious? Ugh. Where? (Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully) Where? (Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks) Where, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
(coolly) Seems like you already know where.

Scene 08

7 lines
Angela Martin
Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away.
Angela Martin
That's enough.
Kevin Malone
Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... (Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar) What?
Oscar Martinez
That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.
Kevin Malone
How about, "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?"
Oscar Martinez
There you go.

Scene 09

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(on the phone) That cannot be true! (Dwight jumps) You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself...
Dwight Schrute
(whispering to Jim) Trade seats with me.
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
Jim Halpert
Please stop.
Dwight Schrute
(grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it) I need a soup spoon.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. (sings) Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. (makes chomping sound)

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention)

Scene 12

9 lines
Angela Martin
What is it?
Dwight Schrute
You've got to tell Andy about us.
Angela Martin
That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Dwight Schrute
Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.
Angela Martin
You're expanding on your worst idea.
Dwight Schrute
Do you love me or not?
Angela Martin
I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?
Dwight Schrute
Because you're engaged to Andy.
Angela Martin
(sighs)

Scene 13

10 lines
Michael Scott
Well?
Dwight Schrute
Not yet.
Jim Halpert
When?
Andy Bernard
When what? (clears throat) When what?
Michael Scott
You know this can't go on.
Andy Bernard
What can't go on?
Michael Scott
We have to put an end to this.
Andy Bernard
Seems like...
Michael Scott
Come on. (Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office)
Andy Bernard
You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying.

Scene 14

28 lines
Jim Halpert
This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Dwight Schrute
Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.
Michael Scott
When will she be ready?
Dwight Schrute
I don't know.
Michael Scott
Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight Schrute
(boastfully) Yes.
Jim Halpert
Stop. What?
Michael Scott
How so, specifically?
Jim Halpert
Okay, listen.
Dwight Schrute
Eager.
Jim Halpert
This shouldn't happen at work.
Dwight Schrute
And flexible.
Jim Halpert
And!
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.
Michael Scott
It's too late.
Jim Halpert
Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything.
Michael Scott
I am already walking.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.
Michael Scott
Okay, what does that mean?
Dwight Schrute
Might get ugly.
Michael Scott
(sighs) Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.
Jim Halpert
But you're leaving...
Dwight Schrute
(to Michael, who opens the door to leave) Have a good trip.
Michael Scott
Thanks. (to Andy) Andy?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Walk with me.
Andy Bernard
Will do, boss-man.

Scene 15

15 lines
Michael Scott
Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...
Andy Bernard
You're not making any sense.
Michael Scott
Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Andy Bernard
All righty.
Michael Scott
Which will be fine. I am off!
Andy Bernard
Have a good meeting!
Michael Scott
Thank you! (gets into his car)
Andy Bernard
(through the car window) Kick Wallace's ass!
Michael Scott
(through the car window) Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...
Andy Bernard
I can't hear you through the glass
Michael Scott
(rolls down car window) Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
Andy Bernard
What?
Michael Scott
All right. See you later. (backs out of the parking space) Ahh.
Andy Bernard
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
Yep. (drives off)

Scene 16

13 lines
Meredith Palmer
I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Oscar Martinez
You said that yesterday.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.
Jim Halpert
(to Dwight) What are you standing for?
Dwight Schrute
If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.
Jim Halpert
You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.
Dwight Schrute
If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit...
Andy Bernard
(enters the office and walks to Angela) I need to talk to you.
Angela Martin
We can talk right here.
Andy Bernard
I need to talk to you in private.
Kevin Malone
We're not listening.
Andy Bernard
Let's go to the conference room.

Scene 17

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Is it true?
Angela Martin
What have you heard?
Andy Bernard
That you're sleeping with Dwight.
Angela Martin
That doesn't sound like me.
Andy Bernard
Is it true?
Angela Martin
Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake...
Andy Bernard
Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela Martin
A little bit.
Andy Bernard
How long has it been going on?
Angela Martin
I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again.
Andy Bernard
Who else knows about it?
Angela Martin
Michael.
Andy Bernard
Who else?
Angela Martin
(quietly) Let me think about it... I, um... there... (Andy looks over to see everyone watching them)
Andy Bernard
Oh God. Come on!

Scene 18

4 lines
David Wallace
So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?
Michael Scott
Right what?
David Wallace
Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. (Michael smiles) Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael Scott
David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.

Scene 21

3 lines
David Wallace
Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.
Michael Scott
(pokes his head in) Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
David Wallace
What say we do.

Scene 22

9 lines
Angela Martin
Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
Andy Bernard
So like, missionary...
Angela Martin
I said nothing fancy.
Andy Bernard
Do you love him?
Angela Martin
I love you.
Andy Bernard
Why should I believe that?
Angela Martin
Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together.
Andy Bernard
Who says that?
Angela Martin
Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.

Scene 23

44 lines
Andy Bernard
Where's Dwight?
Jim Halpert
You okay, man?
Andy Bernard
No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
Creed Bratton
You are welcome.
Andy Bernard
(Dwight enters) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Andy.
Andy Bernard
It's over.
Dwight Schrute
Oh good. She broke up with you.
Andy Bernard
No. It's over between you two.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, no way. I am not giving up.
Andy Bernard
You have to.
Dwight Schrute
No I don't.
Andy Bernard
(forcefully) She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.
Dwight Schrute
(angrier) Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.
Andy Bernard
Angela Bernard.
Dwight Schrute
Will never be her name.
Andy Bernard
It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
Dwight Schrute
I don't think so.
Jim Halpert
Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?
Andy Bernard
I'm telling you to back down.
Dwight Schrute
And I'm telling you that I will never back down.
Andy Bernard
Then I'll make you.
Dwight Schrute
Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Andy Bernard
Through the use of force.
Dwight Schrute
That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
Andy Bernard
I will fight you.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.
Andy Bernard
Fine!
Dwight Schrute
Fine!
Oscar Martinez
This is nuts.
Dwight Schrute
What is your weapon?
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...
Dwight Schrute
Hey, this is none of your business.
Jim Halpert
Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
Andy Bernard
Guess what? Not happening at work.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Andy Bernard
We're gonna do it outside.
Dwight Schrute
Outside of work.
Andy Bernard
None of your business.
Dwight Schrute
None of your business then. (Dwight and Andy high five) Good. So what weapon?
Andy Bernard
My bare hands.
Dwight Schrute
That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
Andy Bernard
Then I'll get something too.

Scene 24

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

Scene 25

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Angela Martin
(thinks for a moment) I will respect the results of the duel.
Pam Beesly
Of course you will.
Meredith Palmer
I call loser!
Andy Bernard
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
Dwight Schrute
I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Andy Bernard
(softly) What a coincidence.
Dwight Schrute
Mm.

Scene 26

1 line
Jim Halpert
So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.

Scene 27

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe)
Dwight Schrute
(innocently) How'd that get there?
Meredith Palmer
There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Jim Halpert
Thanks Meredith.

Scene 28

8 lines
Michael Scott
So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed."
David Wallace
It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. (gets up) And thanks for coming in.
Michael Scott
(rises) Oh, thank you.
David Wallace
Yes.
Michael Scott
I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
David Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay. (sits back down to continue eating)
David Wallace
(opens his office door) Yeah, finish up.

Scene 29

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(shouting) Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Angela Martin
(watching from the conference room) I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
Kelly Kapoor
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Dwight Schrute
Come on!
Meredith Palmer
Hey, has anything happened yet?
Dwight Schrute
Where are you?
Oscar Martinez
Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin Malone
Oh come on, man! Believe in something.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... (spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it) "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." (scoffs) A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly..." (as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly)

Scene 30

8 lines
Kelly Kapoor
There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Phyllis Vance
Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar Martinez
The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Creed Bratton
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
(still reading) Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...
Pam Beesly
Oh my God!
Stanley Hudson
What's happening?
Phyllis Vance
Andy's running over Dwight with his car.

Scene 31

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Everyone watching
Oh!
Dwight Schrute
Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Andy Bernard
You give up?
Dwight Schrute
Never! (hits Andy's car with his bike chain) Get out and face me like a man!
Andy Bernard
I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight Schrute
You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! (hits his car with the bike chain) All you do is dress fancy and sing. (imitating Andy) "La la la la la la la la la la!" What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy Bernard
Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight Schrute
Last year, idiot! (hits his car with the bike chain)
Jim Halpert
Dwight! Are your legs broken?
Dwight Schrute
No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Jim Halpert
Andy, are you all right?
Andy Bernard
Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? (hits his car with the bike chain) Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! (hits his car with the bike chain)
Andy Bernard
What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Dwight Schrute
I sa- (Andy honks his horn)
Andy Bernard
What? You stupid idiot! (Andy honks his horn) You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...
Dwight Schrute
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!
Andy Bernard
I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
What!
Dwight Schrute
She's sleeping with you?
Andy Bernard
I'm her fiance.
Dwight Schrute
She said she was only sleeping with me.

Scene 32

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call) Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.
Dwight Schrute
(picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can)
Andy Bernard
Thank you. (hangs up)

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. (sighs) Ahh!

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over)