Scene 012 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (answering the phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?Michael ScottOpen quote: (heard yelling from the street) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!
Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Scene 0314 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (yelling as he runs past the radar gun) Aah!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Wow, thirteen!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No, no. There was wind.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was just jogging.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want another try. Here we go! (Michael runs past the radar as a car passes) Thirty-one! Thirty-one!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: There was a car.Michael ScottOpen quote: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.Michael ScottOpen quote: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That's impossible.Michael ScottOpen quote: Beat it!
Scene 041 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by (in an authoritative voice) Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. (in normal voice) He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.
Scene 0523 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Quick announcement: new year, new candy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoo-hoo!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hot tamales.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Uh oh.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more...Andy BernardOpen quote: (entering the office) Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... (sighs) No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wait, you still don't know...Jim HalpertOpen quote: (getting up quickly to silence Michael) No, no. Nope.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hmm?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing.Michael ScottOpen quote: You still don't know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why don't... Let's...Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Jim) What are you doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...Michael ScottOpen quote: Andy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ahh! (ushers Michael into his office)Andy BernardOpen quote: No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: (from inside his office) No, what I'm saying is...Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, that's not it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know.
Scene 061 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.
Scene 0713 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (sighs) How can he still not know?Jim HalpertOpen quote: We can't figure that out.Michael ScottOpen quote: I can't take it anymore.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, what? You can't take what?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am telling Andy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Who should it come from, then?EveryoneOpen quote: (simultaneously) Angela.Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Dwight) Are you still having intercourse with her? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What is wrong with you? She is engaged.Michael ScottOpen quote: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? (Dwight's expression implies 'yes')Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? (Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully) Where? (Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks) Where, Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (coolly) Seems like you already know where.
Scene 087 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away.Angela MartinOpen quote: That's enough.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... (Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar) What?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: How about, "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?"Oscar MartinezOpen quote: There you go.
Scene 096 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (on the phone) That cannot be true! (Dwight jumps) You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering to Jim) Trade seats with me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Please stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it) I need a soup spoon.
Scene 101 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. (sings) Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. (makes chomping sound)
Scene 111 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention)
Scene 129 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: What is it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You've got to tell Andy about us.Angela MartinOpen quote: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.Angela MartinOpen quote: You're expanding on your worst idea.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you love me or not?Angela MartinOpen quote: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Because you're engaged to Andy.Angela MartinOpen quote: (sighs)
Scene 1310 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not yet.Jim HalpertOpen quote: When?Andy BernardOpen quote: When what? (clears throat) When what?Michael ScottOpen quote: You know this can't go on.Andy BernardOpen quote: What can't go on?Michael ScottOpen quote: We have to put an end to this.Andy BernardOpen quote: Seems like...Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on. (Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office)Andy BernardOpen quote: You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying.
Scene 1428 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: This is really not how this is supposed to happen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.Michael ScottOpen quote: When will she be ready?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't know.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is she crazy in bed?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (boastfully) Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Stop. What?Michael ScottOpen quote: How so, specifically?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, listen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Eager.Jim HalpertOpen quote: This shouldn't happen at work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And flexible.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And!Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's too late.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything.Michael ScottOpen quote: I am already walking.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, what does that mean?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Might get ugly.Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighs) Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But you're leaving...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to Michael, who opens the door to leave) Have a good trip.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks. (to Andy) Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Walk with me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Will do, boss-man.
Scene 1515 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...Andy BernardOpen quote: You're not making any sense.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.Andy BernardOpen quote: All righty.Michael ScottOpen quote: Which will be fine. I am off!Andy BernardOpen quote: Have a good meeting!Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you! (gets into his car)Andy BernardOpen quote: (through the car window) Kick Wallace's ass!Michael ScottOpen quote: (through the car window) Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...Andy BernardOpen quote: I can't hear you through the glassMichael ScottOpen quote: (rolls down car window) Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: All right. See you later. (backs out of the parking space) Ahh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you serious?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep. (drives off)
Scene 1613 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You said that yesterday.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (to Dwight) What are you standing for?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit...Andy BernardOpen quote: (enters the office and walks to Angela) I need to talk to you.Angela MartinOpen quote: We can talk right here.Andy BernardOpen quote: I need to talk to you in private.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We're not listening.Andy BernardOpen quote: Let's go to the conference room.
Scene 1715 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Is it true?Angela MartinOpen quote: What have you heard?Andy BernardOpen quote: That you're sleeping with Dwight.Angela MartinOpen quote: That doesn't sound like me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Is it true?Angela MartinOpen quote: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake...Andy BernardOpen quote: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?Angela MartinOpen quote: A little bit.Andy BernardOpen quote: How long has it been going on?Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again.Andy BernardOpen quote: Who else knows about it?Angela MartinOpen quote: Michael.Andy BernardOpen quote: Who else?Angela MartinOpen quote: (quietly) Let me think about it... I, um... there... (Andy looks over to see everyone watching them)Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh God. Come on!
Scene 184 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?Michael ScottOpen quote: Right what?David WallaceOpen quote: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. (Michael smiles) Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.Michael ScottOpen quote: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
Scene 191 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
Scene 201 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.
Scene 213 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.Michael ScottOpen quote: (pokes his head in) Hey, what say we order up some pasta?David WallaceOpen quote: What say we do.
Scene 229 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.Andy BernardOpen quote: So like, missionary...Angela MartinOpen quote: I said nothing fancy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Do you love him?Angela MartinOpen quote: I love you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Why should I believe that?Angela MartinOpen quote: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together.Andy BernardOpen quote: Who says that?Angela MartinOpen quote: Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.
Scene 2344 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Where's Dwight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You okay, man?Andy BernardOpen quote: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.Creed BrattonOpen quote: You are welcome.Andy BernardOpen quote: (Dwight enters) Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: It's over.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh good. She broke up with you.Andy BernardOpen quote: No. It's over between you two.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, no way. I am not giving up.Andy BernardOpen quote: You have to.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No I don't.Andy BernardOpen quote: (forcefully) She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (angrier) Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Angela Bernard.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Will never be her name.Andy BernardOpen quote: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't think so.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm telling you to back down.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And I'm telling you that I will never back down.Andy BernardOpen quote: Then I'll make you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh really? How are you gonna do that?Andy BernardOpen quote: Through the use of force.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.Andy BernardOpen quote: I will fight you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.Andy BernardOpen quote: Fine!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Fine!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: This is nuts.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is your weapon?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, this is none of your business.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.Andy BernardOpen quote: Guess what? Not happening at work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!Andy BernardOpen quote: We're gonna do it outside.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Outside of work.Andy BernardOpen quote: None of your business.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: None of your business then. (Dwight and Andy high five) Good. So what weapon?Andy BernardOpen quote: My bare hands.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.Andy BernardOpen quote: Then I'll get something too.
Scene 241 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Scene 258 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.Angela MartinOpen quote: (thinks for a moment) I will respect the results of the duel.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Of course you will.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I call loser!Andy BernardOpen quote: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.Andy BernardOpen quote: (softly) What a coincidence.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mm.
Scene 261 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
Scene 274 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (innocently) How'd that get there?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks Meredith.
Scene 288 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed."David WallaceOpen quote: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. (gets up) And thanks for coming in.Michael ScottOpen quote: (rises) Oh, thank you.David WallaceOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. (sits back down to continue eating)David WallaceOpen quote: (opens his office door) Yeah, finish up.
Scene 299 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (shouting) Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!Angela MartinOpen quote: (watching from the conference room) I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, has anything happened yet?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Where are you?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh come on, man! Believe in something.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... (spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it) "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." (scoffs) A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly..." (as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly)
Scene 308 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why isn't Dwight turning around?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (still reading) Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What's happening?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
Scene 3125 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.Everyone watchingOpen quote: Oh!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!Andy BernardOpen quote: You give up?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Never! (hits Andy's car with his bike chain) Get out and face me like a man!Andy BernardOpen quote: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! (hits his car with the bike chain) All you do is dress fancy and sing. (imitating Andy) "La la la la la la la la la la!" What does that mean? You can't even protect her!Andy BernardOpen quote: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Last year, idiot! (hits his car with the bike chain)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight! Are your legs broken?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy, are you all right?Andy BernardOpen quote: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? (hits his car with the bike chain) Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! (hits his car with the bike chain)Andy BernardOpen quote: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I sa- (Andy honks his horn)Andy BernardOpen quote: What? You stupid idiot! (Andy honks his horn) You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Andy BernardOpen quote: What!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: She's sleeping with you?Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm her fiance.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: She said she was only sleeping with me.
Scene 323 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call) Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can)Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. (hangs up)
Scene 331 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. (sighs) Ahh!
Scene 341 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over)