Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Prince Family Paper

Vol. 5 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Michael and Dwight head out on a mission to take down a small family-run paper company, even if Michael’s heart isn't totally in the shark life. Back at Dunder Mifflin, the rest of the crew gets way too intense debating whether or not Hillary Swank is hot. Every line from the undercover stakeout and the office-wide argument is included right here.

Scene 01

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
What's this?
Jim Halpert
Looks like a red wire.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm. It wasn't here before.
Jim Halpert
Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires.
Dwight Schrute
Yours doesn't.
Jim Halpert
Doesn't it?
Dwight Schrute
No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. (Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks)
Phyllis Vance
Dwight, get out of here!
Stanley Hudson
What are you doing?

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. (behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole) Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there.

Scene 03

13 lines
Michael Scott
What you talking bout, Wallace? (imitating What you talking bout Willis)
David Wallace
Hi Michael how are you?
Michael Scott
Hi, I am well, how are you?
David Wallace
So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.
Michael Scott
Oh, have you not?
David Wallace
Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor (Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera). There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
David Wallace
There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me.
Michael Scott
Okay.
David Wallace
I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.
Michael Scott
Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
David Wallace
Look, this is important, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, well, then, email it to me.

Scene 04

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
You've got no taste Stanley Hudson.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, I do.
Andy Bernard
What are you guys talking about?
Stanley Hudson
Some actress, whether shes hot.
Andy Bernard
Who is the gal in question?
Phyllis Vance
Hillary Swank.
Creed Bratton
Ah, Hillary Swank.

Scene 05

15 lines
Kevin Malone
(most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness) Not at all.
Meredith Palmer
She's got mean eyes.
Pam Beesly
Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin Malone
She looks like a monster.
Jim Halpert
Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work.
Meredith Palmer
She is an amazing actress.
Kevin Malone
That is not the question.
Phyllis Vance
She's not hot.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, thank you Phyllis.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela Martin
I'm not voting.
Jim Halpert
(snaps back) No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. (half of office raises hand) Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. (other half of office raises hand)
Kevin Malone
(counting votes) Five. Five to five.
Jim Halpert
Thank you, accounting department.
Kevin Malone
So what do we do now?

Scene 06

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
(riding in car with Michael) What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
Michael Scott
I will seduce her.
Dwight Schrute
No, I wanna seduce her.
Michael Scott
No, I will seduce her.
Dwight Schrute
Please Michael, please.
Michael Scott
No, I got it.
Dwight Schrute
You'll fall in love with her.
Michael Scott
Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, let's go over the plan again.
Michael Scott
Alright, I am a local business owner. (Dwight nods along) I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies
Dwight Schrute
Your fictitious name?
Michael Scott
Michael Scarn.
Dwight Schrute
I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Then we meet at the Denny's...
Michael Scott
(interrupting) No.
Dwight Schrute
...and then we compare notes.
Michael Scott
No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP.
Dwight Schrute
No! (arguing over each other)
Dwight Schrute
You know how I feel about IHOP.
Michael Scott
Oh, don't start,
Dwight Schrute
Are you socialist?
Michael Scott
You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
Dwight Schrute
I'll have a cup of a coffee.
Michael Scott
You will have pancakes and you'll like it.

Scene 07

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
Store only has three employees.
Michael Scott
So what?
Dwight Schrute
It means they are not expanding.
Michael Scott
Maybe they are shrinking.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
They could be shrinking.
Dwight Schrute
No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Michael Scott
Ah ha (popping something in his mouth) Yup.
Dwight Schrute
(spying through binoculars) Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch.
Michael Scott
Mm hmm .
Dwight Schrute
Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.
Michael Scott
And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus.
Michael Scott
Argh, why are you all...
Dwight Schrute
Get your clouds right.
Michael Scott
Shut up.
Dwight Schrute
So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. (Michael licks lips) No, no like this. (Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips) Good.
Michael Scott
Ready to do this?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Good. Here come the sharks. (they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead)

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.

Scene 09

16 lines
Michael Scott
Hello.
Entire Prince family
Hello, hi.
Michael Scott
My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Prince Grandfather
Oh, please come in
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Prince Grandfather
What kind of business are you in.
Michael Scott
We are a law firm.
Prince Grandfather
I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office.
Michael Scott
You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question (reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it) for you would be (reading off sheet) how many clients do you have?
Prince Grandfather
About 80.
Michael Scott
Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
Prince Grandfather
It's just me, my wife and my son.
Michael Scott
Ah, so when did you set up shop?
Prince Grandfather
I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Michael Scott
Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely .
Prince Grandfather
(muted) Mmhmm. (shrugs)

Scene 10

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive.
Entire office
Hot!
Kevin Malone
The debate is whether she is hot.
Stanley Hudson
What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here.
Kevin Malone
Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.
Andy Bernard
Okay, TMI.

Scene 11

14 lines
Michael Scott
So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?
Prince Grandfather
You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
Michael Scott
Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Prince Grandfather
Oh really?
Michael Scott
Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? (picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion) Is this the cup? (picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion) Is this what I drink out of? (glug noise, both laugh) Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.
Dwight Schrute
Hello, I would like to apply for a job.
Prince Grandfather
Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Dwight Schrute
Why don't you just get rid of this guy? (points to Prince Son)
Prince Grandfather
That's my son.
Dwight Schrute
I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?
Michael Scott
Try 80.
Dwight Schrute
Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business.
Prince Grandfather
I sure hope not.
Dwight Schrute
Me too. (smirking)

Scene 12

9 lines
Jim Halpert
I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people.
Kevin Malone
Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.
Oscar Martinez
Kevin, c'mon.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, shut up Kevin.
Kevin Malone
He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing.
Jim Halpert
Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you (in a more and more seductive voice) and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? (Kevin gets up to join the "hot" team to their great joy) Does that end the debate?
Kevin Malone
(Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to "not hot" team) No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game.
Angela Martin
Oh my God.
Jim Halpert
(fingers opened an inch) This close.

Scene 13

15 lines
Prince
Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?
Dwight Schrute
My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. (Michael takes offense and charges over)
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, how is your interview going?
Dwight Schrute
It's going very well.
Michael Scott
Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?
Linda
You want a picture of me?
Michael Scott
I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great (positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers) Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left (positions Linda to get better picture)
Linda
Can I get a copy of that?
Prince Granddaughter
Grandma, I can't do this.
Michael Scott
What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?
Prince Granddaughter
Right.
Michael Scott
Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?
Prince Granddaughter
8
Michael Scott
Excellent! Way to go! Nice! (Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives)
Prince Grandmother
Don't put that. (granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer)

Scene 14

4 lines
Kevin Malone
Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.
Pam Beesly
(disapprovingly) Kevin!
Angela Martin
Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker.
Jim Halpert
OH! (the "yes she's hot team" claps)

Scene 15

20 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.
Prince Grandfather
Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things.
Michael Scott
I... Okay, okay, okay, (in disbelief) alright, thank you. (heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal)
Dwight Schrute
(both making make out lips at each other) Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.
Michael Scott
Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you very much.
Michael Scott
I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. (hurrying out door)
Prince Grandfather
Bye bye now. So long.
Dwight & Michael
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. (running out door)
Michael Scott
Haha, we struck the mother load!
Dwight Schrute
Cmon.
Michael Scott
Wallace is going to freak.
Dwight Schrute
All their top clients I can't believe it.
Michael Scott
He's going to absolutely freak.
Dwight Schrute
Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. (car hits front divider, screeching)
Michael Scott
Oh shoot.
Dwight Schrute
You drove over that. Go back (car hits divider, screeching)
Michael Scott
Oh God, what was that?
Dwight Schrute
That's not good.

Scene 16

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! (Kelly runs away in tears)

Scene 17

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
Aw, it's alright.
Dwight Schrute
Oh man,
Michael Scott
Aw, my car.
Dwight Schrute
Not good.
Prince Grandfather
Is everyone okay?
Prince Grandmother
It sounded bad.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.
Dwight Schrute
You've done more then you can possibly know.
Michael Scott
Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so...
Prince Grandfather
A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.
Michael Scott
No, no, really not necessary.
Dwight Schrute
He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..
Prince Grandfather
I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box.

Scene 18

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access.
Kevin Malone
(surprised) Wait, what?

Scene 19

1 line
Oscar Martinez
See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot.

Scene 20

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
How much longer is this going to take?
Michael Scott
You know let me give you some money for this.
Prince Son
No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands.
Michael Scott
Oh coffee, that's too much. (Dwight drinks it)
Dwight Schrute
This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?
Prince Grandfather
Well that outta do it. (bumper is heavily duct taped to the car)
Prince Granddaughter
Its all better.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Prince Grandfather
Gosh, well so long. (they exchange byes)
Dwight Schrute
I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Michael Scott
Ok, goodbye Prince Family.
Dwight Schrute
Goodbye prince family, (to Michael) should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. (Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful) Bye bye.

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently)

Scene 22

22 lines
Jim Halpert
(entire office is chatting) I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying.
Pam Beesly
No, because... (Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation)
Michael Scott
Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?
Dwight Schrute
Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them.
Michael Scott
Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight Schrute
They could do better.
Michael Scott
Why don't we just, live and let live?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
Live and let live.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not familiar with that expression,
Michael Scott
It's from James Bond.
Dwight Schrute
It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive.
Michael Scott
I'm not going to make this call.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?
Michael Scott
My heart says...
Dwight Schrute
Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael Scott
That is true.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Jan... Ryan.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us.

Scene 23

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot.

Scene 24

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Michael Scott
You're right.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Dwight Schrute
Good, so, (Michael takes client list and heads out of office) where are you going?
Michael Scott
Just something I have to do first.
Dwight Schrute
Where are you taking the client list?
Michael Scott
Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone (starts running, Dwight follows)
Dwight Schrute
Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. (chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot)
Michael Scott
Oh shoot! (gets to his car turns around)
Dwight Schrute
Freeze, give me the list! (still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot)
Dwight Schrute
No no no, I can't let you do this!
Michael Scott
Those people will be ruined. (runs out back door)
Dwight Schrute
Its business, not personal. (they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael)
Michael Scott
Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people.
Dwight Schrute
Its over, Michael, its over. (holding list of clients up)
Michael Scott
Im not a shark.

Scene 25

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? (half of office raises hand) Okay. And all those opposed? (he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand)
Kevin Malone
This is ridiculous.
Oscar Martinez
That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. (two sides of the debate start arguing)

Scene 26

8 lines
David Wallace
This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.
Michael Scott
(pained) Mpfh.
David Wallace
Good work.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy.
Michael Scott
Okay, bye bye.
Dwight Schrute
Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?
Michael Scott
I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?

Scene 27

3 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, hey what is this?
Pam Beesly
Hillary swank.
Michael Scott
Oh, she is hot. ("Hillary Swank is hot" supporters cheer)