Michael and Dwight go undercover to learn more about a rival paper company, Prince Family Paper. Back at the office, the employees debate whether or not actress Hillary Swank is hot. This page contains the full script and all the lines from this episode of The Office.
Dwight Schrute:What's this?
Jim Halpert:Looks like a red wire.
Dwight Schrute:Hmm. It wasn't here before.
Jim Halpert:Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires.
Dwight Schrute:Yours doesn't.
Jim Halpert:Doesn't it?
Dwight Schrute:No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires.
Jim Halpert:Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. (Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks)
Phyllis Vance:Dwight, get out of here!
Stanley Hudson:What are you doing?
Jim Halpert:I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. (behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole) Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there.
Michael Scott:What you talking bout, Wallace? (imitating What you talking bout Willis)
David Wallace:Hi Michael how are you?
Michael Scott:Hi, I am well, how are you?
David Wallace:So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.
Michael Scott:Oh, have you not?
David Wallace:Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor (Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera). There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business.
Michael Scott:Yeah.
David Wallace:There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me.
Michael Scott:Okay.
David Wallace:I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.
Michael Scott:Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
David Wallace:Look, this is important, Michael.
Michael Scott:Oh, well, then, email it to me.
Phyllis Vance:You've got no taste Stanley Hudson.
Stanley Hudson:Oh, I do.
Andy Bernard:What are you guys talking about?
Stanley Hudson:Some actress, whether shes hot.
Andy Bernard:Who is the gal in question?
Phyllis Vance:Hillary Swank.
Creed Bratton:Ah, Hillary Swank.
Kevin Malone:(most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness) Not at all.
Meredith Palmer:She's got mean eyes.
Pam Beesly:Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin Malone:She looks like a monster.
Jim Halpert:Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work.
Meredith Palmer:She is an amazing actress.
Kevin Malone:That is not the question.
Phyllis Vance:She's not hot.
Kevin Malone:Yeah, thank you Phyllis.
Jim Halpert:Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela Martin:I'm not voting.
Jim Halpert:(snaps back) No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. (half of office raises hand) Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. (other half of office raises hand)
Kevin Malone:(counting votes) Five. Five to five.
Jim Halpert:Thank you, accounting department.
Kevin Malone:So what do we do now?
Dwight Schrute:(riding in car with Michael) What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
Michael Scott:I will seduce her.
Dwight Schrute:No, I wanna seduce her.
Michael Scott:No, I will seduce her.
Dwight Schrute:Please Michael, please.
Michael Scott:No, I got it.
Dwight Schrute:You'll fall in love with her.
Michael Scott:Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.
Dwight Schrute:Okay, let's go over the plan again.
Michael Scott:Alright, I am a local business owner. (Dwight nods along) I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies
Dwight Schrute:Your fictitious name?
Michael Scott:Michael Scarn.
Dwight Schrute:I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Michael Scott:Okay.
Dwight Schrute:Then we meet at the Denny's...
Michael Scott:(interrupting) No.
Dwight Schrute:...and then we compare notes.
Michael Scott:No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP.
Dwight Schrute:No! (arguing over each other)
Dwight Schrute:You know how I feel about IHOP.
Michael Scott:Oh, don't start,
Dwight Schrute:Are you socialist?
Michael Scott:You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
Dwight Schrute:I'll have a cup of a coffee.
Michael Scott:You will have pancakes and you'll like it.
Dwight Schrute:Store only has three employees.
Michael Scott:So what?
Dwight Schrute:It means they are not expanding.
Michael Scott:Maybe they are shrinking.
Dwight Schrute:No.
Michael Scott:They could be shrinking.
Dwight Schrute:No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Michael Scott:Ah ha (popping something in his mouth) Yup.
Dwight Schrute:(spying through binoculars) Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch.
Michael Scott:Mm hmm .
Dwight Schrute:Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.
Michael Scott:And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus.
Michael Scott:Argh, why are you all...
Dwight Schrute:Get your clouds right.
Michael Scott:Shut up.
Dwight Schrute:So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. (Michael licks lips) No, no like this. (Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips) Good.
Michael Scott:Ready to do this?
Dwight Schrute:Yeah.
Michael Scott:Good. Here come the sharks. (they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead)
Michael Scott:In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.
Michael Scott:Hello.
Entire Prince family:Hello, hi.
Michael Scott:My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Prince Grandfather:Oh, please come in
Michael Scott:Thank you.
Prince Grandfather:What kind of business are you in.
Michael Scott:We are a law firm.
Prince Grandfather:I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office.
Michael Scott:You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question (reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it) for you would be (reading off sheet) how many clients do you have?
Prince Grandfather:About 80.
Michael Scott:Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
Prince Grandfather:It's just me, my wife and my son.
Michael Scott:Ah, so when did you set up shop?
Prince Grandfather:I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Michael Scott:Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely .
Prince Grandfather:(muted) Mmhmm. (shrugs)
Andy Bernard:Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive.
Entire office:Hot!
Kevin Malone:The debate is whether she is hot.
Stanley Hudson:What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here.
Kevin Malone:Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.
Andy Bernard:Okay, TMI.
Michael Scott:So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?
Prince Grandfather:You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
Michael Scott:Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Prince Grandfather:Oh really?
Michael Scott:Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? (picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion) Is this the cup? (picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion) Is this what I drink out of? (glug noise, both laugh) Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.
Dwight Schrute:Hello, I would like to apply for a job.
Prince Grandfather:Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Dwight Schrute:Why don't you just get rid of this guy? (points to Prince Son)
Prince Grandfather:That's my son.
Dwight Schrute:I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?
Michael Scott:Try 80.
Dwight Schrute:Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business.
Prince Grandfather:I sure hope not.
Dwight Schrute:Me too. (smirking)
Jim Halpert:I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people.
Kevin Malone:Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.
Oscar Martinez:Kevin, c'mon.
Kelly Kapoor:Yeah, shut up Kevin.
Kevin Malone:He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing.
Jim Halpert:Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you (in a more and more seductive voice) and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? (Kevin gets up to join the "hot" team to their great joy) Does that end the debate?
Kevin Malone:(Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to "not hot" team) No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game.
Angela Martin:Oh my God.
Jim Halpert:(fingers opened an inch) This close.
Prince:Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?
Dwight Schrute:My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. (Michael takes offense and charges over)
Michael Scott:Hey, hey, how is your interview going?
Dwight Schrute:It's going very well.
Michael Scott:Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?
Linda:You want a picture of me?
Michael Scott:I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great (positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers) Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left (positions Linda to get better picture)
Linda:Can I get a copy of that?
Prince Granddaughter:Grandma, I can't do this.
Michael Scott:What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?
Prince Granddaughter:Right.
Michael Scott:Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?
Prince Granddaughter:8
Michael Scott:Excellent! Way to go! Nice! (Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives)
Prince Grandmother:Don't put that. (granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer)
Kevin Malone:Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.
Pam Beesly:(disapprovingly) Kevin!
Angela Martin:Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker.
Jim Halpert:OH! (the "yes she's hot team" claps)
Michael Scott:Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.
Prince Grandfather:Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things.
Michael Scott:I... Okay, okay, okay, (in disbelief) alright, thank you. (heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal)
Dwight Schrute:(both making make out lips at each other) Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.
Michael Scott:Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
Dwight Schrute:Thank you very much.
Michael Scott:I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Dwight Schrute:Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. (hurrying out door)
Prince Grandfather:Bye bye now. So long.
Dwight & Michael:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. (running out door)
Michael Scott:Haha, we struck the mother load!
Dwight Schrute:Cmon.
Michael Scott:Wallace is going to freak.
Dwight Schrute:All their top clients I can't believe it.
Michael Scott:He's going to absolutely freak.
Dwight Schrute:Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. (car hits front divider, screeching)
Michael Scott:Oh shoot.
Dwight Schrute:You drove over that. Go back (car hits divider, screeching)
Michael Scott:Oh God, what was that?
Dwight Schrute:That's not good.
Kelly Kapoor:No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! (Kelly runs away in tears)
Dwight Schrute:Oh my God.
Michael Scott:Aw, it's alright.
Dwight Schrute:Oh man,
Michael Scott:Aw, my car.
Dwight Schrute:Not good.
Prince Grandfather:Is everyone okay?
Prince Grandmother:It sounded bad.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah.
Michael Scott:No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.
Dwight Schrute:You've done more then you can possibly know.
Michael Scott:Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so...
Prince Grandfather:A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.
Michael Scott:No, no, really not necessary.
Dwight Schrute:He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..
Prince Grandfather:I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box.
Pam Beesly:Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access.
Kevin Malone:(surprised) Wait, what?
Oscar Martinez:See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot.
Dwight Schrute:How much longer is this going to take?
Michael Scott:You know let me give you some money for this.
Prince Son:No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands.
Michael Scott:Oh coffee, that's too much. (Dwight drinks it)
Dwight Schrute:This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?
Prince Grandfather:Well that outta do it. (bumper is heavily duct taped to the car)
Prince Granddaughter:Its all better.
Michael Scott:Thank you.
Prince Grandfather:Gosh, well so long. (they exchange byes)
Dwight Schrute:I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Michael Scott:Ok, goodbye Prince Family.
Dwight Schrute:Goodbye prince family, (to Michael) should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. (Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful) Bye bye.
Dwight Schrute:(punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently)
Jim Halpert:(entire office is chatting) I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying.
Pam Beesly:No, because... (Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation)
Michael Scott:Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?
Dwight Schrute:Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them.
Michael Scott:Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight Schrute:They could do better.
Michael Scott:Why don't we just, live and let live?
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:Live and let live.
Dwight Schrute:I'm not familiar with that expression,
Michael Scott:It's from James Bond.
Dwight Schrute:It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive.
Michael Scott:I'm not going to make this call.
Dwight Schrute:Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?
Michael Scott:My heart says...
Dwight Schrute:Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael Scott:That is true.
Dwight Schrute:Yes.
Michael Scott:That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah.
Michael Scott:Jan... Ryan.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us.
Stanley Hudson:I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot.
Dwight Schrute:There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Michael Scott:You're right.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah.
Michael Scott:You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Dwight Schrute:Good, so, (Michael takes client list and heads out of office) where are you going?
Michael Scott:Just something I have to do first.
Dwight Schrute:Where are you taking the client list?
Michael Scott:Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone (starts running, Dwight follows)
Dwight Schrute:Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. (chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot)
Michael Scott:Oh shoot! (gets to his car turns around)
Dwight Schrute:Freeze, give me the list! (still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot)
Dwight Schrute:No no no, I can't let you do this!
Michael Scott:Those people will be ruined. (runs out back door)
Dwight Schrute:Its business, not personal. (they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael)
Michael Scott:Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people.
Dwight Schrute:Its over, Michael, its over. (holding list of clients up)
Michael Scott:Im not a shark.
Andy Bernard:Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? (half of office raises hand) Okay. And all those opposed? (he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand)
Kevin Malone:This is ridiculous.
Oscar Martinez:That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. (two sides of the debate start arguing)
David Wallace:This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.
Michael Scott:(pained) Mpfh.
David Wallace:Good work.
Michael Scott:Thank you.
David Wallace:Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy.
Michael Scott:Okay, bye bye.
Dwight Schrute:Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?
Michael Scott:I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?
Michael Scott:Oh, hey what is this?
Pam Beesly:Hillary swank.
Michael Scott:Oh, she is hot. ("Hillary Swank is hot" supporters cheer)
In "The Office" episode 12, season 5, "Prince Family Paper," Michael and Dwight go undercover. They pose as potential clients and employees. They aim to steal client info from a rival company. David Wallace wants to expand Dunder Mifflin's reach. He sends them to gather intel on Prince Family Paper. This small, family-run business is in their territory. Michael and Dwight use fake names. They learn about the company's operations. They get a list of their top clients. A memorable moment is when Dwight and Michael argue over which diner to meet at after their mission. Another is their awkward "escape signal" involving licking their lips.
Meanwhile, back at the office, a heated debate erupts. The staff argues over whether actress Hilary Swank is "hot." This leads to funny exchanges and a vote. Kevin's reasoning is a fan-favorite scene. He imagines a scenario where Swank wants to make out with him. Pam tries to use logic. She points out the symmetry of Swank's face. Kelly gets upset and claims that if Swank isn't hot, then she isn't either. The debate ends in a tie. It shows how subjective these judgments can be.
Michael feels bad about hurting the Prince family. He connects with them during his visit. He even helps the granddaughter with her math homework. Dwight pushes Michael to give Wallace the client list. He argues that it's just business. Michael struggles with the decision. He knows it will likely put the Princes out of business. In the end, Michael gives Wallace the information. He feels it is a "bittersweet" victory. The episode ends with Wallace praising Michael. He calls him a "titan of industry." Michael is still conflicted. He doesn't like "bittersweet" outcomes.
