Every line from The Office episode "Stress Relief", season 5 episode 13.
Dwight Schrute: (looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke) Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela Martin: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight Schrute: (clears throat)
Pam Beesly: (points to smoke) Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Andy Bernard: Whoa, fire!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam Beesly: The phones are dead.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin Malone: It's out in the hall.
Dwight Schrute: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight Schrute: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael Scott: Stay (bleep) calm!
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael Scott: Everyone, now (bleep) calm down!
Dwight Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael Scott: What does warm mean?
Everyone: (groaning) Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Not a viable option.
Pam Beesly: Try a different door.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, what's next?
Michael Scott: Don't run.
Dwight Schrute: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Andy Bernard: It-- it's warm.
Dwight Schrute: Well, uh, another option. (everyone chattering at once)
Dwight Schrute: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis Vance: Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley Hudson: Leave it woman!
Michael Scott: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Oscar Martinez: Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Andy Bernard: Aah! This ones hot too!
Michael Scott: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, let's go.
Everyone: (shouting) Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Dwight Schrute: Calm, please
Andy Bernard: Get out of the way!
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Dwight Schrute: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela Martin: (pulling cat out of filing drawer) It's okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight Schrute: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Dwight Schrute: What's next?
Oscar Martinez: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela Martin: Pull me up!
Oscar Martinez: You're too heavy!
Angela Martin: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! (throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side) Oh!
Dwight Schrute: How about 911? Anyone? 911. (Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.)
Pam Beesly: What do we do?
Dwight Schrute: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. (everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping)
Angela Martin: What is that? What is that?
Andy Bernard: The fire's shooting at us!
Phyllis Vance: What in the name of God is going on?!
Andy Bernard: Yes! (Dwight pulls fire alarm) Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Phyllis & Creed: Ahhhh!!! (Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling)
Andy Bernard: Go, go, go, go, go!! (Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine)
Michael Scott: (throws the projector out the window) Help!! Help!!
Stanley Hudson: I'm about to die!
Dwight Schrute: (blowing air horn) Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Dwight Schrute: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. (Oscar drops down from the ceiling) So, what have we learned? (Stanley falls to the floor) Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael Scott: He's going to swallow is tongue.
Jim Halpert: No. Michael. Michael.
Michael Scott: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Jim Halpert: (everyone shouting at once) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Leave me al--
Andy Bernard: You're choking him!
Michael Scott: Saving him!
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
David Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight Schrute: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight Schrute: Yes I shouted "fire!". I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded
Dwight Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight Schrute: N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight Schrute: Hee-heeding this right now.
Michael Scott: Okay. (walks to the window, sighs) This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No, we are mad.
Michael Scott: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace: No, we're not.
Michael Scott: I am not a mind reader, David.
David Wallace: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Michael Scott: Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Michael Scott: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Michael Scott: You talking to me?
Kevin Malone: (giving chest compressions to the practice dummy) I can't keep doing this forever.
CPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds.
CPR Trainer: Would you like to try next?
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely I would not.
Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis Vance: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Phyllis Vance: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley Hudson: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley Hudson: I'm okay with the logic of it.
Michael Scott: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this.
Michael Scott: Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!
Michael Scott: This is you we're talking about.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. (whispers) Stanley. All right.
CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin Malone: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
Rose: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael Scott: okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim Halpert: How's that gonna help you?
Michael Scott: I will divide and then count to it.
Rose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael Scott: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. (clears throat, begins to sing) First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Rose: No, it's--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott: Okay, I got it.
Creed Bratton: (to Rose) You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you.
Michael Scott: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive (Andy joins in) Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah...
Andy Bernard: Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, (Michael and Kelly join in) you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Andy Bernard: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Everyone: (muttering) Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Rose: Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Dwight Schrute: Anyone else?
Phyllis Vance: We bury him?
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed Bratton: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight Schrute: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. (pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg) Here we go.
Angela Martin: Oh my God! Dwight!
Angela Martin: What are you-- (people are yelling) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.
Stanley Hudson: I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley.
Michael Scott: Are you okay?
Angela Martin: Oh my God! (Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own)
Stanley Hudson: Oh my God!
Stanley Hudson: Oh my God!
Michael Scott: (everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand) It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Jim Halpert: Don't open your eyes.
Pam Beesly: What? (opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her) Oh...
Michael Scott: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Meredith Palmer: Chunky monkey.
Michael Scott: Too expensive.
Stanley Hudson: Chocolate.
Michael Scott: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? (beeping starts) What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley Hudson: It's my bio-feedback machine..
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley Hudson: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael Scott: You have stress?
Michael Scott: During our relaxation exercise?
Phyllis Vance: Let me get you some water.
Michael Scott: No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.
Stanley Hudson: No, Michael, No. (beeping speeds up)
Michael Scott: Let me getcha.
Stanley Hudson: Would ya, would ya step back please
Michael Scott: Ok, alright.
Stanley Hudson: Please. A little further.
Michael Scott: Ok. (beeping slows down)
Stanley Hudson: That's better. (Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again)
Michael Scott: Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? (Oscar has Stanley's monitor now) Let's give this a shot.
Michael Scott: Hellloo... (beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer)
Kevin Malone: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.
Dwight Schrute: How dare you all attack him like this.
Michael Scott: Oh, stop it Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Michael is your superior.
Michael Scott: No no no no no no!
Dwight Schrute: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Michael Scott: Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...
Michael Scott: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight Schrute: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael Scott: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight Schrute: Are you calling me an idiot?
Dwight Schrute: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. (clapping and whooing)
Pam Beesly: Michael! It's really good to see you.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Jim Halpert: Are you alright?
Oscar Martinez: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. (murmurs of agreement)
Michael Scott: I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Michael Scott: Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? (Angela raises her hand) Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... (Stanley is laughing) Oscar, you're gay.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. (Stanley is still laughing) Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. (clapping and murmurs of appreciation)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 5. Stress Relief is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.