Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Stress Relief

Vol. 5 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Between Dwight’s terrifying fire drill and a CPR dummy losing its face, this episode is a total masterpiece of Dunder Mifflin chaos. You can look through every line of dialogue to find your favorite moments, like Michael trying to save Stanley or the legendary roast. It’s all here if you need to double-check exactly how many people Michael managed to insult during his Boom Roasted session.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Last week I gave a fire safety talk. (clears throat) And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. (lights a cigarette) Today, smoking is gonna save lives. (throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid)

Scene 02

75 lines
Dwight Schrute
(looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke) Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela Martin
Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight Schrute
(clears throat)
Pam Beesly
(points to smoke) Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Phyllis Vance
What--
Andy Bernard
Whoa, fire!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam Beesly
The phones are dead.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin Malone
It's out in the hall.
Dwight Schrute
No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael Scott
Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight Schrute
What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael Scott
Stay (bleep) calm!
Dwight Schrute
Wait, wait, wait.
Michael Scott
Everyone, now (bleep) calm down!
Dwight Schrute
No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael Scott
What does warm mean?
Everyone
(groaning) Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute
Not a viable option.
Pam Beesly
Try a different door.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, what's next?
Michael Scott
Don't run.
Dwight Schrute
Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Andy Bernard
It-- it's warm.
Dwight Schrute
Well, uh, another option. (everyone chattering at once)
Jim Halpert
Back door.
Dwight Schrute
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis Vance
Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley Hudson
Leave it woman!
Michael Scott
Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute
Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Oscar Martinez
Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Andy Bernard
Aah! This ones hot too!
Michael Scott
Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, let's go.
Everyone
(shouting) Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Dwight Schrute
Calm, please
Andy Bernard
Get out of the way!
Dwight Schrute
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Andy Bernard
Move it!
Dwight Schrute
Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela Martin
(pulling cat out of filing drawer) It's okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight Schrute
A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Angela Martin
Oscar.
Dwight Schrute
What's next?
Angela Martin
Oscar!
Oscar Martinez
Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela Martin
Pull me up!
Oscar Martinez
You're too heavy!
Angela Martin
I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! (throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side) Oh!
Dwight Schrute
How about 911? Anyone? 911. (Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.)
Pam Beesly
What do we do?
Dwight Schrute
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. (everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping)
Angela Martin
What is that? What is that?
Andy Bernard
The fire's shooting at us!
Phyllis Vance
What in the name of God is going on?!
Andy Bernard
Yes! (Dwight pulls fire alarm) Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Phyllis & Creed
Ahhhh!!! (Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling)
Andy Bernard
Go, go, go, go, go!! (Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine)
Michael Scott
(throws the projector out the window) Help!! Help!!
Stanley Hudson
I'm about to die!
Dwight Schrute
(blowing air horn) Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Jim Halpert
What?!
Dwight Schrute
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. (Oscar drops down from the ceiling) So, what have we learned? (Stanley falls to the floor) Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael Scott
No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael Scott
He's going to swallow is tongue.
Jim Halpert
No. Michael. Michael.
Michael Scott
Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Jim Halpert
(everyone shouting at once) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott
Leave me al--
Andy Bernard
You're choking him!
Michael Scott
Saving him!

Scene 03

35 lines
David Wallace
How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight Schrute
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott
Electricity.
Dwight Schrute
Shampoo.
David Wallace
You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight Schrute
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Lawyer
Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight Schrute
Yes I shouted "fire!". I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott
Hed. Hedded
Dwight Schrute
When no one hedded--
Michael Scott
Take hedded of.
Dwight Schrute
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott
Heed. Heed.
Dwight Schrute
So, you--
Michael Scott
Take heed of.
Dwight Schrute
And, well, I don't see my co-workers--
Michael Scott
Take heed of.
Dwight Schrute
Hee-heeding this right now.
Lawyer
Wh--what?
Michael Scott
Okay. (walks to the window, sighs) This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace
No, we are mad.
Michael Scott
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace
No, we're not.
Michael Scott
I am not a mind reader, David.
David Wallace
Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Michael Scott
Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
Dwight Schrute
PETA.
David Wallace
Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Michael Scott
Do you?
David Wallace
Michael?
Michael Scott
You talking to me?
David Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Scott
What?

Scene 04

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. (chuckles) It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Michael Scott
(sighs) No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Dwight Schrute
Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Michael Scott
That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man.
Dwight Schrute
What? You?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Come on.
Michael Scott
I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out.
Dwight Schrute
That's preposterous.
Michael Scott
No, I will.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Scene 06

2 lines
Michael Scott
Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. (whispering) Welcome back, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
Thank you, Michael.

Scene 07

1 line
Stanley Hudson
It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people...

Scene 08

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) Not maybe. Yes or no.
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) No way. Uh-uh.
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) Are you from another planet?
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it.
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) Did I stutter?
Stanley Hudson
(flashback) I'm done. Goodbye.

Scene 09

1 line
Stanley Hudson
But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.

Scene 10

4 lines
Michael Scott
Andy.
Andy Bernard
(in a British accent) A throne for your highness.
Stanley Hudson
I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.

Scene 11

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I'm going to die.

Scene 12

4 lines
CPR trainer
A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation.
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing."
Dwight Schrute
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Michael Scott
Shut it. Shut it.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.

Scene 14

15 lines
Kevin Malone
(giving chest compressions to the practice dummy) I can't keep doing this forever.
CPR Trainer
It's been 20 seconds.
Kevin Malone
Call it.
CPR Trainer
Would you like to try next?
Dwight Schrute
Absolutely I would not.
Michael Scott
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis Vance
That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott
Come on.
Phyllis Vance
He needs to rest.
Michael Scott
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley Hudson
I would die.
Michael Scott
And you're okay with that?
Stanley Hudson
I'm okay with the logic of it.
Michael Scott
Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this.

Scene 15

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Scene 16

52 lines
Michael Scott
Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!
Angela Martin
Michael!
Michael Scott
This is you we're talking about.
Angela Martin
Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. (whispers) Stanley. All right.
CPR Trainer
So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose
No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin Malone
I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
Rose
All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael Scott
okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim Halpert
How's that gonna help you?
Michael Scott
I will divide and then count to it.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Rose
Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael Scott
Yes, yes I do. I love that song. (clears throat, begins to sing) First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Rose
No, it's--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott
Okay, I got it.
Creed Bratton
(to Rose) You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you.
Michael Scott
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive (Andy joins in) Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael Scott
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah...
Andy Bernard
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, (Michael and Kelly join in) you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Rose
Okay!
Andy Bernard
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Rose
Okay!
Everyone
(muttering) Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Rose
Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose
I have no idea.
Dwight Schrute
Anyone else?
Phyllis Vance
We bury him?
Dwight Schrute
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed Bratton
He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott
He is an organ donor.
Dwight Schrute
He is.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. (pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg) Here we go.
Angela Martin
Oh my God! Dwight!
Kelly Kapoor
Dwight!
Angela Martin
What are you-- (people are yelling) What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.
Stanley Hudson
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Michael Scott
Hey, Stanley.
Andy Bernard
Stanley.
Michael Scott
Are you okay?
Angela Martin
Oh my God! (Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own)
Stanley Hudson
Oh my God!
Angela Martin
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Clarice?
Stanley Hudson
Oh my God!

Scene 17

6 lines
David Wallace
Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight Schrute
I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David Wallace
We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Michael Scott
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Dwight Schrute
Wow.
Michael Scott
Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Scene 18

1 line
Andy Bernard
Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. (dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds) Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.

Scene 19

4 lines
Pam Beesly
We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim Halpert
And we don't know how.
Pam Beesly
But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim Halpert
Punishment fits the crime.

Scene 20

6 lines
Jessica Alba
(movie) I want you to meet my nana. Nana...
Lily
Mmmhmm...
Jessica Alba
This is Sam.
Sam
Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Lily
Please-- Call me Lily. (light chuckle) Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Sam
Alright... Lily.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
(after Pam checks her cell phone) What's going on?

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.

Scene 24

5 lines
Pam Beesly
He's not saying what he needs to say.
Andy Bernard
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then--
Andy Bernard
Hmm.

Scene 25

1 line
Andy Bernard
Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Scene 26

8 lines
Michael Scott
Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight Schrute
I have.
Michael Scott
Let's hear it.
Dwight Schrute
(clears throat) "I state my regret."
Jim Halpert
You couldn't of memorized that?
Dwight Schrute
I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis Vance
It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.

Scene 28

3 lines
Lily
(movie) I'm in here.
Sam
I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
Lily
I want you to stay.

Scene 29

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Gimme a break.
Andy Bernard
I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.

Scene 30

3 lines
Sam
(movie) Get that in there. Oh yeah.
Lily
Get that done already.
Sam
I know but if I get it in deeper...

Scene 31

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) Can you believe this? (pause) He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Andy Bernard
Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
Pam Beesly
So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?
Andy Bernard
You guys, they're making out.

Scene 32

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Jim Halpert
Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
Pam Beesly
(sighs)
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it.
Jim Halpert
Mmm...
Pam Beesly
You're good to talk to.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... (nods)

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
(in a monk-impression tone) Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. (Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael) Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. (a couple of sounds play on the computer) That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...

Scene 35

26 lines
Michael Scott
(everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand) It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Jim Halpert
Don't open your eyes.
Pam Beesly
What? (opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her) Oh...
Michael Scott
And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Meredith Palmer
Chunky monkey.
Michael Scott
Too expensive.
Stanley Hudson
Chocolate.
Michael Scott
Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? (beeping starts) What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley Hudson
It's my bio-feedback machine..
Michael Scott
Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley Hudson
It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael Scott
You have stress?
Stanley Hudson
Yes...
Michael Scott
During our relaxation exercise?
Phyllis Vance
Let me get you some water.
Michael Scott
No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.
Stanley Hudson
No, Michael, No. (beeping speeds up)
Michael Scott
Let me getcha.
Stanley Hudson
Would ya, would ya step back please
Michael Scott
Ok, alright.
Stanley Hudson
Please. A little further.
Michael Scott
Ok. (beeping slows down)
Stanley Hudson
That's better. (Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again)
Michael Scott
Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? (Oscar has Stanley's monitor now) Let's give this a shot.
Michael Scott
Hellloo... (beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer)
Kevin Malone
Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.

Scene 37

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?

Scene 38

4 lines
Pam Beesly
What did you say to my dad?
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. (Pam rolls her eyes and walks away)

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents...

Scene 40

1 line
Pam Beesly
What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?

Scene 41

5 lines
Michael Scott
I don't get it. Do I stress you out?
Dwight Schrute
Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Michael Scott
Oh...
Dwight Schrute
Speaking of which... (hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology)
Michael Scott
Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Scene 42

7 lines
Michael Scott
Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. (Jim shakes his head at the camera) You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short...
Kelly Kapoor
A vacation.
Michael Scott
What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other...
Oscar Martinez
Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Michael Scott
Si senor.
Oscar Martinez
That's offensive.
Michael Scott
It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

Scene 43

1 line
Kevin Malone
(giggling) Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God...

Scene 44

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Scene 46

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Phyllis Vance
Hey, this is your apology letter.
Dwight Schrute
That was the last signature I needed.
Michael Scott
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. (Creed looks around) So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. (Angela jumps up) Ok... lower the mic for the midget.
Angela Martin
If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. (laughter)

Scene 47

1 line
Angela Martin
I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. (grin)

Scene 48

3 lines
Angela Martin
If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...
Group
Michael Scott! (laughter)
Michael Scott
Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!

Scene 49

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Michael Scott
You're so lucky! Good one... (clapping)

Scene 50

4 lines
Meredith Palmer
Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott
Well...
Meredith Palmer
Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Michael Scott
Pow pow pow... (hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping)

Scene 51

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(yelling at Michael in Spanish)

Scene 52

1 line
Michael Scott
(Toby tries to come on stage) NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. (Toby shrugs and sits back down)

Scene 53

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael Scott
I know where this is goin'.
Jim Halpert
Do ya?
Michael Scott
No...
Jim Halpert
Ok. Remember Spider face?
Michael Scott
No.
Jim Halpert
OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael Scott
Spite her - ok (laughter)
Jim Halpert
Yeah... yep.

Scene 54

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
How dare you all attack him like this.
Michael Scott
Oh, stop it Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Michael is your superior.
Michael Scott
No no no no no no!
Dwight Schrute
Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Michael Scott
Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...
Michael Scott
That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight Schrute
You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael Scott
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight Schrute
Are you calling me an idiot?
Michael Scott
Idiot.
Dwight Schrute
Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. (clapping and whooing)

Scene 55

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. (laughter) He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott
Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam Beesly
Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. (quickly walks off stage) If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! (clapping, laughter)
Michael Scott
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.

Scene 56

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right?
Michael Scott
We are, we are a family.
Darryl Philbin
Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.
Michael Scott
Oh very funny.
Darryl Philbin
What's his name?
Michael Scott
Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?
Darryl Philbin
Roy left years ago. What's his name?
Michael Scott
I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael
Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...
Darryl Philbin
What's his name?
Michael Scott
Jefferson.
Darryl Philbin
Nope. His name is Michael. (Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again)

Scene 57

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing and playing the guitar) What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. (clears throat) Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. (clears throat again) So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought (choking up, clears throat again) sorry. (laughs nervously) I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... (sigh) I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... (Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum)

Scene 58

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.

Scene 59

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.

Scene 60

12 lines
Kevin Malone
(in the lunch room, with a sock puppet) He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. (giggles)
Oscar Martinez
Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Kevin Malone
I'm almost done.
Oscar Martinez
That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.
Dwight Schrute
Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim Halpert
Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam Beesly
I think he meant personal day.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis Vance
I hope he's ok, I feel bad.
Creed Bratton
Give it up, he's dead.
Jim Halpert
He just sent a text...
Creed Bratton
What's a text?

Scene 61

1 line
Michael Scott
(at a park throwing whole pieces of bread) Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...

Scene 62

1 line
Michael Scott
You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. (looks towards the sky) I'm okay. No, I'm not.

Scene 63

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Phyllis there's a package for you.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, ok. (Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box)
Dwight Schrute
(after snatching the clipboard with her signature) Got it.

Scene 64

3 lines
Lily
(movie) Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. (Andy looks like he's going to cry)
Sam
Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. (Andy's crying, "I'm All Out of Love" starts playing) Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Andy Bernard
(through tears) Sam! Sam!

Scene 65

1 line
Pam Beesly
Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then.

Scene 66

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Jim Halpert
You ok?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. (they hug)

Scene 67

1 line
Pam Beesly
When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. (Andy is in the background, looks incredulous)

Scene 68

1 line
Andy Bernard
I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad.

Scene 69

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael! It's really good to see you.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Jim Halpert
Are you alright?
Oscar Martinez
Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. (murmurs of agreement)
Michael Scott
I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? (Angela raises her hand) Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... (Stanley is laughing) Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar Martinez
Wow.
Michael Scott
Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. (Stanley is still laughing) Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. (clapping and murmurs of appreciation)

Scene 70

1 line
Michael Scott
They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.