Every line from The Office episode "Lecture Circuit 1", season 5 episode 14.
Jim Halpert: This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.
Michael Scott: (over PA) This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. (snickering) I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. (wheezing laughing, starts coughing) Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Jim Halpert: (disgusted groan)
Michael Scott: Could I stick it with a pin?
Michael Scott: (still talking over PA) Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets (Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket) because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
Jim Halpert: (sighs and knocks on Michaels door)
Michael Scott: You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
Jim Halpert: That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...
Jim Halpert: What the heck? Is that, uh... (bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors)
Michael Scott: You find it?
Jim Halpert: I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.
Michael Scott: All right.
Michael Scott: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Michael Scott: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. (laughs) No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. (looks at Pam) Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam Beesly: He brought a sled.
Michael Scott: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.
Michael Scott: Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! (gets in backseat) Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Pam Beesly: Separate rooms.
Michael Scott: Well that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly: I'm going to say it anyway.
Michael Scott: Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
Pam Beesly: This is a new cardigan.
Michael Scott: ...kind of (retches) Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Michael Scott: No. Oh, all right.
Jim Halpert: (front door slams, Kelly walks by) Hey, Kelly.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim Halpert: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis Vance: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Jim Halpert: (Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview) Go ahead.
Dwight Schrute: Go ahead, you do it.
Dwight Schrute: I insist.
Jim Halpert: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.
Dwight Schrute: What he said was... (puts finger toward Jim's face)
Jim Halpert: (pushes Dwight's finger away) Just, easy.
Dwight Schrute: ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim Halpert: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight Schrute: (at the same time as Jim) I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. (shoves Jim's arm away) That's on my side.
Jim Halpert: So this is fun.
Pam Beesly: Can I turn on the radio?
Michael Scott: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam Beesly: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael Scott: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam Beesly: That's dangerous.
Michael Scott: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Pam Beesly: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
Michael Scott: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Pam Beesly: No, that was a long time ago.
Michael Scott: Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Pam Beesly: No, I'm not even wearing that much.
Julia: Oh, this is a nice office.
Stanley Hudson: (laughs) You don't have to lie. Through here.
Andy Bernard: Um Phyllis, who's that?
Phyllis Vance: She's out of your league Andy.
Andy Bernard: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Andy Bernard: This conversation is over.
Jim Halpert: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly Kapoor: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight Schrute: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, HEY.
Jim Halpert: (while Dwight and Kelly are arguing) Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Kelly Kapoor: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Kelly Kapoor: In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.
Dwight Schrute: What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Michael Scott: Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Michael Scott: Rolando, (clears throat) I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Rolando: (sarcastically chuckles) Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.
Michael Scott: Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
Pam Beesly: Stop it, please.
Michael Scott: That's what I do, steal my trick.
Pam Beesly: Please cut it out.
Karen Filippelli: Hey. Hi, guys.
Michael Scott: (notices Karen's pregnant) Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Karen Filippelli: Of course not!
Michael Scott: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen Filippelli: Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Michael Scott: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
Jim Halpert: (partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers) Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: Well, I'm not done yet.
Jim Halpert: Dwight. This, (picks up balloon) fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet
Jim Halpert: What is that? (looks at sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.") It is your birthday period.
Dwight Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim Halpert: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim Halpert: Okay, good then.
Dwight Schrute: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim Halpert: I am working on it.
Dwight Schrute: How much do you have?
Jim Halpert: Six dollars.
Dwight Schrute: (yelling) That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!
Jim Halpert: I said I was working on it.
Michael Scott: (on cell phone) NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... (hangs up phone, sighs) This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. (Karen raises her hand) Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen Filippelli: Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen Filippelli: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael Scott: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? (Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone)
Michael Scott: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. (starts singing) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.
Michael Scott: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
Michael Scott: Got it. It works.
Karen Filippelli: Uh, it's very insulting.
Michael Scott: But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Mark: But we already know each other's names.
Michael Scott: Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.
Karen Filippelli: Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.
Michael Scott: Oh, I still have more.
Karen Filippelli: Can I please see you in my office, please?
Michael Scott: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go.
Julia: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.
Andy Bernard: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? (starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234) One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...
Stanley Hudson: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.
Stanley Hudson: Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy Bernard: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley Hudson: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy Bernard: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley Hudson: You really like her, huh?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
Stanley Hudson: (thinks for a moment) Give me two clients for her.
Michael Scott: I grab this (grabs a chain saw), and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
Karen Filippelli: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael Scott: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Karen Filippelli: You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.
Michael Scott: Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.
Pam Beesly: So when are you due?
Karen Filippelli: Uh, in about a month.
Pam Beesly: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.
Karen Filippelli: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael Scott: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Karen Filippelli: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Michael Scott: Oh, great.
Karen Filippelli: His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.
Pam Beesly: Oh, he's cute.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam Beesly: What is happening there? (points at picture)
Karen Filippelli: Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam Beesly: It's really sweet.
Michael Scott: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.
Karen Filippelli: So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?
Pam Beesly: Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.
Karen Filippelli: That's so great. That's great.
Karen Filippelli: Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. (hugs pam)
Michael Scott: Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.
Stanley Hudson: I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.
Andy Bernard: So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?
Julia: No, it could go straight to our business address.
Andy Bernard: Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?
Julia: Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.
Andy Bernard: (stammers) Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.
Andy Bernard: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar Martinez: (quietly) Oh, my desk is over... (quickly walks away)
Creed Bratton: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.
Creed Bratton: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy Bernard: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed Bratton: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy Bernard: Wait, what?
Michael Scott: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Michael Scott: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Pam Beesly: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.
Pam Beesly: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.
Julia: Thanks for walking me out.
Andy Bernard: Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...
Julia: You must be freezing.
Andy Bernard: I am about to die. (laughs) Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Julia: Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.
Andy Bernard: Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia: What's a "Nard-Dog"?
Andy Bernard: (points to self) This is the Nard-Dog.
Julia: (Andy leans in to kiss her) Whoa. What the hell?
Andy Bernard: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
Julia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?
Julia: No, I, I don't think so.
Andy Bernard: Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.
Andy Bernard: Take care Julia.
Andy Bernard: (as Julia is pulling out) Sorry I tried to kiss y...
Dwight Schrute: (struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings) Damn it! (answers phone) Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert: (over the phone) How old's Kelly?
Dwight Schrute: Who is this?
Jim Halpert: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Dwight Schrute: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.
Jim Halpert: Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, 24. 37.
Jim Halpert: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) I'll call you back. (goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around)
Pam Beesly: Are you asleep?
Michael Scott: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Pam Beesly: No, remind me.
Michael Scott: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
Pam Beesly: Perfect boobs, (gives a look at the camera) of course I remember Holly.
Michael Scott: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
Pam Beesly: Okay, lets go.
Michael Scott: (scoofs) I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.
Michael Scott: (chuckles) Okay.
Jim Halpert: (leaning against Creed's desk) So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.
Creed Bratton: I'd like to contribute.
Creed Bratton: (opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill) There you go.
Jim Halpert: (looks at a three dollar bill)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 5. Lecture Circuit 1 is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.