Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Lecture Circuit 1

Vol. 5 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Here is every line from the time Michael and Pam hit the road to share the "secret recipe" for Scranton's success. You'll find the full script for the Utica trip, where Michael uses some highly questionable mnemonic devices and Pam finally gets some closure with a pregnant Karen. Meanwhile, Jim and Dwight learn that party planning is harder than it looks when they completely forget Kelly's birthday. Every quote from the "It is your birthday." banner to Andy’s failed attempt at romance is included.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
(breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing)

Scene 02

16 lines
Jim Halpert
This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.
Michael Scott
(over PA) This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. (snickering) I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. (wheezing laughing, starts coughing) Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Jim Halpert
(disgusted groan)
Michael Scott
Could I stick it with a pin?
Pam Beesly
Ugh.
Michael Scott
(still talking over PA) Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets (Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket) because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
Jim Halpert
(sighs and knocks on Michaels door)
Michael Scott
You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
Jim Halpert
That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
What the heck? Is that, uh... (bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors)
Michael Scott
You find it?
Jim Halpert
I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.
Michael Scott
All right.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Michael Scott
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.

Scene 03

3 lines
Michael Scott
(knocks on Pam's hotel door) Hello, good morning.
Pam Beesly
Good morning.
Michael Scott
You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.

Scene 04

13 lines
Michael Scott
Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. (laughs) No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. (looks at Pam) Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam Beesly
He brought a sled.
Michael Scott
No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.
Michael Scott
Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! (gets in backseat) Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Pam Beesly
Separate rooms.
Michael Scott
Well that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly
I'm going to say it anyway.
Michael Scott
Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
Pam Beesly
This is a new cardigan.
Michael Scott
...kind of (retches) Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
No. Oh, all right.

Scene 05

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(front door slams, Kelly walks by) Hey, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Screw you.
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim Halpert
Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis Vance
You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.

Scene 06

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview) Go ahead.
Dwight Schrute
Go ahead, you do it.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
I insist.
Jim Halpert
Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.
Dwight Schrute
What he said was... (puts finger toward Jim's face)
Jim Halpert
(pushes Dwight's finger away) Just, easy.
Dwight Schrute
...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim Halpert
Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight Schrute
(at the same time as Jim) I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. (shoves Jim's arm away) That's on my side.
Jim Halpert
So this is fun.

Scene 07

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.

Scene 08

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Can I turn on the radio?
Michael Scott
No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam Beesly
But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael Scott
Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam Beesly
That's dangerous.
Michael Scott
Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Pam Beesly
That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
Michael Scott
You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Pam Beesly
No, that was a long time ago.
Michael Scott
Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Pam Beesly
No, I'm not even wearing that much.

Scene 09

1 line
Pam Beesly
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...

Scene 10

7 lines
Julia
Oh, this is a nice office.
Stanley Hudson
(laughs) You don't have to lie. Through here.
Andy Bernard
Um Phyllis, who's that?
Phyllis Vance
She's out of your league Andy.
Andy Bernard
For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Phyllis Vance
Sexually?
Andy Bernard
This conversation is over.

Scene 11

1 line
Andy Bernard
I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.

Scene 12

12 lines
Jim Halpert
We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly Kapoor
Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight Schrute
If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, HEY.
Jim Halpert
(while Dwight and Kelly are arguing) Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Kelly Kapoor
I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight Schrute
Oh God.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Kelly Kapoor
In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.
Dwight Schrute
What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Kelly Kapoor
Ice Cream.

Scene 13

1 line
Pam Beesly
(taking Michael's picture) Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.

Scene 14

16 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Rolando
Hi.
Michael Scott
Rolando, (clears throat) I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Rolando
(sarcastically chuckles) Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.
Michael Scott
Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
Pam Beesly
Stop it, please.
Michael Scott
That's what I do, steal my trick.
Pam Beesly
Please cut it out.
Karen Filippelli
Hey. Hi, guys.
Michael Scott
(notices Karen's pregnant) Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Karen Filippelli
What!
Pam Beesly
Michael!
Karen Filippelli
Of course not!
Michael Scott
Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen Filippelli
Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Michael Scott
Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?

Scene 15

18 lines
Jim Halpert
(partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers) Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute
Well, I'm not done yet.
Jim Halpert
Dwight. This, (picks up balloon) fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute
They match the carpet
Jim Halpert
What is that? (looks at sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.") It is your birthday period.
Dwight Schrute
It's a statement of fact.
Jim Halpert
Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute
This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim Halpert
I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight Schrute
Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim Halpert
Okay, good then.
Dwight Schrute
Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim Halpert
I am working on it.
Dwight Schrute
How much do you have?
Jim Halpert
Six dollars.
Dwight Schrute
(yelling) That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!
Jim Halpert
I said I was working on it.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs)

Scene 16

1 line
Andy Bernard
(looking into Julia's car) Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! (bangs on car and alarm goes off) Whoa! Aah, Aah! (backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm)

Scene 17

5 lines
Michael Scott
(on cell phone) NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... (hangs up phone, sighs) This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. (Karen raises her hand) Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen Filippelli
Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?
Michael Scott
I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen Filippelli
But now we think you're a liar.
Michael Scott
Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? (Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone)

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. (starts singing) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.

Scene 19

11 lines
Michael Scott
I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
Mark
Yes.
Michael Scott
Got it. It works.
Karen Filippelli
Uh, it's very insulting.
Michael Scott
But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Mark
But we already know each other's names.
Michael Scott
Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.
Karen Filippelli
Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.
Michael Scott
Oh, I still have more.
Karen Filippelli
Can I please see you in my office, please?
Michael Scott
She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go.

Scene 20

4 lines
Julia
I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.
Andy Bernard
Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? (starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234) One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...
Stanley Hudson
Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard
Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.

Scene 21

7 lines
Stanley Hudson
Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy Bernard
Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley Hudson
We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy Bernard
We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley Hudson
You really like her, huh?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
Stanley Hudson
(thinks for a moment) Give me two clients for her.

Scene 22

26 lines
Michael Scott
I grab this (grabs a chain saw), and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
Karen Filippelli
No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael Scott
No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam Beesly
No it's not.
Karen Filippelli
You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.
Michael Scott
Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.
Pam Beesly
So when are you due?
Karen Filippelli
Uh, in about a month.
Pam Beesly
Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.
Karen Filippelli
Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael Scott
It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Karen Filippelli
Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Michael Scott
Oh, great.
Karen Filippelli
His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.
Pam Beesly
Oh, he's cute.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam Beesly
What is happening there? (points at picture)
Karen Filippelli
Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam Beesly
It's really sweet.
Michael Scott
No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.
Karen Filippelli
So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?
Pam Beesly
Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.
Karen Filippelli
That's so great. That's great.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Karen Filippelli
Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. (hugs pam)
Michael Scott
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.

Scene 23

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.
Andy Bernard
So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?
Julia
No, it could go straight to our business address.
Andy Bernard
Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?
Julia
Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.
Andy Bernard
(stammers) Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.

Scene 24

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar Martinez
(quietly) Oh, my desk is over... (quickly walks away)
Creed Bratton
This gal, she's really into you?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.
Creed Bratton
All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy Bernard
Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed Bratton
Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy Bernard
Wait, what?

Scene 25

6 lines
Michael Scott
I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Pam Beesly
I like her.
Michael Scott
Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Pam Beesly
I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.
Michael Scott
Why?
Pam Beesly
Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.

Scene 26

18 lines
Julia
Thanks for walking me out.
Andy Bernard
Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...
Julia
You must be freezing.
Andy Bernard
I am about to die. (laughs) Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Julia
Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.
Andy Bernard
Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia
What's a "Nard-Dog"?
Andy Bernard
(points to self) This is the Nard-Dog.
Julia
(Andy leans in to kiss her) Whoa. What the hell?
Andy Bernard
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
Julia
I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?
Julia
No, I, I don't think so.
Andy Bernard
Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.
Julia
(chuckles) Okay.
Andy Bernard
Take care Julia.
Julia
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
(as Julia is pulling out) Sorry I tried to kiss y...

Scene 27

1 line
Andy Bernard
We lost the account.

Scene 28

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings) Damn it! (answers phone) Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert
(over the phone) How old's Kelly?
Dwight Schrute
Who is this?
Jim Halpert
It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Dwight Schrute
Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.
Jim Halpert
Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, 24. 37.
Jim Halpert
Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) I'll call you back. (goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around)

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. (opens file) "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah. (closes file)

Scene 30

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Are you asleep?
Michael Scott
No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Pam Beesly
No, remind me.
Michael Scott
Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
Pam Beesly
Perfect boobs, (gives a look at the camera) of course I remember Holly.
Michael Scott
She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
Pam Beesly
Okay, lets go.
Michael Scott
(scoofs) I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.
Michael Scott
(chuckles) Okay.

Scene 31

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(leaning against Creed's desk) So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.
Creed Bratton
I'd like to contribute.
Jim Halpert
Oh, great.
Creed Bratton
(opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill) There you go.
Jim Halpert
(looks at a three dollar bill)