Scene 0216 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.Michael ScottOpen quote: (over PA) This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. (snickering) I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. (wheezing laughing, starts coughing) Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (disgusted groan)Michael ScottOpen quote: Could I stick it with a pin?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ugh.Michael ScottOpen quote: (still talking over PA) Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets (Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket) because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (sighs and knocks on Michaels door)Michael ScottOpen quote: You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What the heck? Is that, uh... (bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors)Michael ScottOpen quote: You find it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Scene 033 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (knocks on Pam's hotel door) Hello, good morning.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Good morning.Michael ScottOpen quote: You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.
Scene 0413 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. (laughs) No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. (looks at Pam) Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He brought a sled.Michael ScottOpen quote: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! (gets in backseat) Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Separate rooms.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well that goes without saying.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm going to say it anyway.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is a new cardigan.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...kind of (retches) Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. Oh, all right.
Scene 056 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (front door slams, Kelly walks by) Hey, Kelly.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Screw you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh yeah? Screw you too.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa! What was that all about.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Scene 0611 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview) Go ahead.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go ahead, you do it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I insist.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What he said was... (puts finger toward Jim's face)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (pushes Dwight's finger away) Just, easy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (at the same time as Jim) I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. (shoves Jim's arm away) That's on my side.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So this is fun.
Scene 071 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Scene 0811 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Can I turn on the radio?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.Michael ScottOpen quote: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's dangerous.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.Michael ScottOpen quote: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, that was a long time ago.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is that why your wearing makeup today?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I'm not even wearing that much.
Scene 091 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...
Scene 107 linesJuliaOpen quote: Oh, this is a nice office.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (laughs) You don't have to lie. Through here.Andy BernardOpen quote: Um Phyllis, who's that?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: She's out of your league Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Sexually?Andy BernardOpen quote: This conversation is over.
Scene 111 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.
Scene 1212 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If you say screw you one more time...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, HEY.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (while Dwight and Kelly are arguing) Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh God.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What kind of cake do you want imbecile.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Ice Cream.
Scene 131 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: (taking Michael's picture) Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Scene 1416 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello, Rolando, how are you?RolandoOpen quote: Hi.Michael ScottOpen quote: Rolando, (clears throat) I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.RolandoOpen quote: (sarcastically chuckles) Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Stop it, please.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what I do, steal my trick.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Please cut it out.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Hey. Hi, guys.Michael ScottOpen quote: (notices Karen's pregnant) Oh my God. Is that Jim's?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: What!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael!Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Of course not!Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Let's just get this over with, shall we?Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
Scene 1518 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers) Are you kidding?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, I'm not done yet.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight. This, (picks up balloon) fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: They match the carpetJim HalpertOpen quote: What is that? (looks at sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.") It is your birthday period.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a statement of fact.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not even an exclamation point?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I can't believe how bad this looks.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, good then.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Have you collected the money from everyone?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I am working on it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: How much do you have?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Six dollars.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (yelling) That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I said I was working on it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sighs)
Scene 161 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: (looking into Julia's car) Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! (bangs on car and alarm goes off) Whoa! Aah, Aah! (backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm)
Scene 175 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on cell phone) NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... (hangs up phone, sighs) This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. (Karen raises her hand) Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: But now we think you're a liar.Michael ScottOpen quote: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? (Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone)
Scene 181 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. (starts singing) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.
Scene 1911 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.MarkOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Got it. It works.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Uh, it's very insulting.Michael ScottOpen quote: But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?MarkOpen quote: But we already know each other's names.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, I still have more.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Can I please see you in my office, please?Michael ScottOpen quote: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go.
Scene 204 linesJuliaOpen quote: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.Andy BernardOpen quote: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? (starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234) One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.
Scene 217 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Are you out of your damn mind?Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.Andy BernardOpen quote: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You really like her, huh?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (thinks for a moment) Give me two clients for her.
Scene 2226 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I grab this (grabs a chain saw), and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."Karen FilippelliOpen quote: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, don't worry, the chain is off.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No it's not.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.Michael ScottOpen quote: Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So when are you due?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Uh, in about a month.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, great.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, he's cute.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What is happening there? (points at picture)Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's really sweet.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: That's so great. That's great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thank you.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. (hugs pam)Michael ScottOpen quote: Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.
Scene 236 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.Andy BernardOpen quote: So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?JuliaOpen quote: No, it could go straight to our business address.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?JuliaOpen quote: Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.Andy BernardOpen quote: (stammers) Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.
Scene 248 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (quietly) Oh, my desk is over... (quickly walks away)Creed BrattonOpen quote: This gal, she's really into you?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.Creed BrattonOpen quote: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, it sounds risky.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?Andy BernardOpen quote: Wait, what?
Scene 256 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I like her.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.
Scene 2618 linesJuliaOpen quote: Thanks for walking me out.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...JuliaOpen quote: You must be freezing.Andy BernardOpen quote: I am about to die. (laughs) Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?JuliaOpen quote: Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.JuliaOpen quote: What's a "Nard-Dog"?Andy BernardOpen quote: (points to self) This is the Nard-Dog.JuliaOpen quote: (Andy leans in to kiss her) Whoa. What the hell?Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.JuliaOpen quote: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?JuliaOpen quote: No, I, I don't think so.Andy BernardOpen quote: Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.JuliaOpen quote: (chuckles) Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: Take care Julia.JuliaOpen quote: Thank you.Andy BernardOpen quote: (as Julia is pulling out) Sorry I tried to kiss y...
Scene 289 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings) Damn it! (answers phone) Dwight Schrute.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (over the phone) How old's Kelly?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Who is this?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, 24. 37.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sighs) I'll call you back. (goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around)
Scene 291 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. (opens file) "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah. (closes file)
Scene 3010 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you asleep?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, remind me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Perfect boobs, (gives a look at the camera) of course I remember Holly.Michael ScottOpen quote: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, lets go.Michael ScottOpen quote: (scoofs) I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.Michael ScottOpen quote: (chuckles) Okay.
Scene 315 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (leaning against Creed's desk) So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.Creed BrattonOpen quote: I'd like to contribute.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, great.Creed BrattonOpen quote: (opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill) There you go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (looks at a three dollar bill)