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Season 5 Episode 15
Lecture Circuit 2

Every line from The Office episode "Lecture Circuit 2", season 5 episode 15.

Oscar Martinez: (Kevin is holding two ice cream treats) Two?
Kevin Malone: I didn't eat lunch. (Oscar gives Kevin a look) I didn't eat all my lunch.
Angela Martin: (enters smiling and waving) Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.
Kevin Malone: It... yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, you're more chipper than usual.
Angela Martin: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. (takes a breath, excitedly) She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.
Meredith Palmer: How much?
Angela Martin: Seven thousand dollars.
Creed Bratton: For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.
Oscar Martinez: Where'd you get that kind of money?
Angela Martin: I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.
Kevin Malone: Wait, you didn't give it back?
Angela Martin: He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!
Meredith Palmer: Seven grand?
Angela Martin: Mm-hmm.
Meredith Palmer: I gotta see that little bitch.
Angela Martin: I have something better than a picture. Come on.
Oscar Martinez: You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?
Angela Martin: Yeah. (cats meowing) I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year.
Meredith Palmer: She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Angela Martin: Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone.
Kevin Malone: Any cat, you mean.
Angela Martin: And person.
Pam Beesly: So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! (laughs) (whispers) I've been driving too long.
Dwight Schrute: (shouts from another room) What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor: Stop yelling at me!
Dwight Schrute: What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor: I didn't do anything!
Dwight Schrute: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?
Jim Halpert: Hey! What the hell's goin' on?
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
Kelly Kapoor: I was kickin' it.
Dwight Schrute: In juvie.
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: For reha-
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Dwight Schrute: What did you do? Huh?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. (to Kelly) What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight Schrute: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim Halpert: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
Kelly Kapoor: You did? I wanna see the cake.
Jim Halpert: And... ta da.
Kelly Kapoor: I hate it.
Jim Halpert: How do you hate it? It's a cake.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or--- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!
Jim Halpert: Right.
Jim Halpert: I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." I still don't know.
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!
Jim Halpert: Birthday.
Dwight Schrute: Frosting.
Kelly Kapoor: Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. (walks out)
Phyllis Vance: There's always a theme.
Dwight Schrute: Nice job on the cake, Bozo!
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.
Pam Beesly: (taking Michael's picture) Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Do I look okay?
Pam Beesly: You look good.
Michael Scott: Hi.
Receptionist: Hi, can I help you?
Michael Scott: Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.
Receptionist: Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat.
Michael Scott: Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?
Receptionist: Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days.
Michael Scott: Oh- She's not here?
Receptionist: But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here.
Michael Scott: A.J.
Receptionist: Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there.
Michael Scott: She has a boyfriend.
Pam Beesly: I'm so sorry, Michael.
Michael Scott: How could she do this to me, Pam?
Pam Beesly: She's not doing it to hurt you.
Michael Scott: I can't do the presentation, I can't- (voice cracks) ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! (starts crying, covers his face)
Pam Beesly: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-
Michael Scott: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? (exhales)
Pam Beesly: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.
Michael Scott: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, maybe.
Michael Scott: (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Maybe. One step at a time.
Michael Scott: (sighs)
Pam Beesly: You can do this.
Michael Scott: I can do this.
Oscar Martinez: It could be snacks, or-
Kevin Malone: Why would we- (cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying)
Oscar Martinez: Wha-
Kevin Malone: Is that what I think it is? (Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer)
Oscar Martinez: Good God!
Kevin Malone: (gasps)
Oscar Martinez: (laughs)
Angela Martin: (gasps)
Kevin Malone: That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!
Angela Martin: No!
Meredith Palmer: Awesome!
Angela Martin: Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed.
Kevin Malone: No way.
Angela Martin: No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. (all laugh) I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh!
Kevin Malone: Oh, the other one's watching.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.
Dwight Schrute: Busy!
Jim Halpert: Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.
Jim Halpert: You know what? I could use a little help.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? I'm a little busy.
Jim Halpert: We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?
Dwight Schrute: It's not effeminate. It's festive.
Jim Halpert: You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!
Stanley Hudson: I know, I just read it on the sign.
Michael Scott: Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper" and get them to "Show us the money!" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. (some raise their hands) Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?
A.J.: A.J.
Michael Scott: A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
A.J.: (laughs)
Michael Scott: What do you race cars?
A.J.: (laughs) I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand.
Michael Scott: Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?
A.J.: Yeah. Why, are you interested? (all laugh)
Woman: I have a question about discounts from distributors.
Michael Scott: Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?
A.J.: It's pretty serious, yes.
Michael Scott: Huh- (pauses) Does she ever talk about me? (voice cracking)
Pam Beesly: Oh, God.
A.J.: Excuse me?
Man: What does this have to do with sales?
Michael Scott: It's all connected. Shut up. (to A.J.) Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'
A.J.: No, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: (sighs loudly) Does it feel good?
A.J.: Does what feel good?
Michael Scott: (grunts) Your life. (sits down, upset) Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. (sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset) Oh, wow. (takes deep breath) Ooh, okay.
Pam Beesly: Michael, get off the floor!
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) No, no, no, you have to do it-
Michael Scott: No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. (sighs heavily) Okay... okay.
Pam Beesly: That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. (pauses) I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. (reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice) Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump.
Pam Beesly: (pointing to staff members) Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! (holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise) Cutting down the competition.
Angela Martin: (cats meowing in background)(on Nanny-Cam) Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now.
Oscar Martinez: (chuckles)
Kevin Malone: (snickers)
Angela Martin: (meows like a cat, then hisses)
Kevin Malone: This is getting weird.
Oscar Martinez: Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? (Angela licks cat, meows)
Kevin Malone: Ohhh...
Michael Scott: (sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named "Dear Michael," plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer)
Angela Martin: (shivers) (meowing noises) Has this been on the entire time?
Oscar Martinez: I have no idea.
Kevin Malone: I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.
Angela Martin: (sigh of relief) Well, sorry I'm late. (clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth)
Oscar Martinez: I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.
Pam Beesly: (loading up car with Michael) Don't look up. Don't look up. (sighs as office workers all looking from window)
Michael Scott: Want some pie?
Pam Beesly: No.
Michael Scott: I went through Holly's things.
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael...
Michael Scott: I also stole something off of her computer. A document called "Dear Michael."
Pam Beesly: You did what?
Michael Scott: I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it.
Pam Beesly: She never sent it to you?
Michael Scott: No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it.
Pam Beesly: No.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust.
Michael Scott: How?
Pam Beesly: Because, she didn't send it to you!
Michael Scott: I know, I know. You're right, you're right.
Pam Beesly: I could read it.
Michael Scott: No, that wouldn't-
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I could read it.
Michael Scott: No, you don't have to do that.
Pam Beesly: Go get your laptop.
Michael Scott: Okay. (leaves to get laptop)
Pam Beesly: (to camera) What? I'm not in love with her.
Dwight Schrute: (blowing up balloon, breathes loudly) You have to write my suggestions down, too.
Jim Halpert: I'm not writing, "Horse Hunt." I don't even know what that means.
Dwight Schrute: It's in the name.
Jim Halpert: (grunts) Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.
Dwight Schrute: You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid.
Jim Halpert: Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved?
Dwight Schrute: Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. (pretends to bite)
Jim Halpert: Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one.
Dwight Schrute: Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. (rolls eyes) What about you?
Jim Halpert: Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight Schrute: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim Halpert: (to camera) Didn't see that one coming.
Pam Beesly: (closes laptop) It's deleted.
Michael Scott: Well?
Pam Beesly: She still has feelings for you.
Michael Scott: She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
Pam Beesly: I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over.
Michael Scott: You're sure?
Pam Beesly: (nods and smiles)
Michael Scott: (smiles, sighs, chuckles) Okay.
Kelly Kapoor: (enters conference room)
Everyone: Happy Birthday!
Meredith Palmer: Surprise!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, it's not a surprise.
Jim Halpert: Not a surprise.
Kelly Kapoor: This doesn't look good.
Jim Halpert: What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly?
Kelly Kapoor: (shakes her head no)
Dwight Schrute: Told you.
Jim Halpert: You haven't heard our theme, though.
Kelly Kapoor: You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake?
Jim Halpert: That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television.
Dwight Schrute: Our theme, if you will.
Jim Halpert: Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping.
Dwight Schrute: That's our theme.
Kelly Kapoor: Cool.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: I love it.
Dwight Schrute: (high-fives Jim) Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?
Kevin Malone: Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: No.
Kevin Malone: Oh, then pick TV.
Meredith Palmer: Take a nap!
Oscar Martinez: TV.
Kevin Malone: No, watching TV at work is really cool.
Stanley Hudson: Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now.
Creed Bratton: Bonnie Hunt is on.
Kelly Kapoor: You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go.
Meredith Palmer: Surprise.
Dwight Schrute: Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this.
Jim Halpert: Ahem. This is for you... and (puts blanket around her shoulders) ...Happy Birthday, Kel.
Kelly Kapoor: (giggles) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: (turns off lights) Okay, you've got one hour. (shuts door)
Kelly Kapoor: I'm too excited to sleep.
Dwight Schrute: Mm, great cake.
Jim Halpert: Thanks. (both eat cake)
Dwight Schrute: (opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly) Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. (slaps Kelly's butt) Many happy returns. (slams door)
Michael Scott: I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Pam Beesly: No, we don't need to do that.
Michael Scott: Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!
Pam Beesly: You mean Tony?
Michael Scott: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 15 season 5. Lecture Circuit 2 is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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