Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Lecture Circuit 2

Vol. 5 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Michael heads to Nashua for a little closure but ends up finding a new rival in Holly’s boyfriend instead. Between Michael's awkward mnemonic devices and Angela's questionable cat-licking habits, there’s a lot to keep track of. You can read every single line from the episode here to see how Jim and Dwight managed to pull off the world’s most underwhelming birthday party.

Scene 01

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Kevin is holding two ice cream treats) Two?
Kevin Malone
I didn't eat lunch. (Oscar gives Kevin a look) I didn't eat all my lunch.

Scene 02

15 lines
Angela Martin
(enters smiling and waving) Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.
Kevin Malone
It... yeah.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, you're more chipper than usual.
Angela Martin
I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. (takes a breath, excitedly) She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.
Meredith Palmer
How much?
Angela Martin
Seven thousand dollars.
Creed Bratton
For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.
Oscar Martinez
Where'd you get that kind of money?
Angela Martin
I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.
Kevin Malone
Wait, you didn't give it back?
Angela Martin
He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!
Meredith Palmer
Seven grand?
Angela Martin
Mm-hmm.
Meredith Palmer
I gotta see that little bitch.
Angela Martin
I have something better than a picture. Come on.

Scene 03

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?
Angela Martin
Yeah. (cats meowing) I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year.
Meredith Palmer
She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Angela Martin
Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone.
Kevin Malone
Any cat, you mean.
Angela Martin
And person.

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! (laughs) (whispers) I've been driving too long.

Scene 05

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
(shouts from another room) What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor
Stop yelling at me!
Dwight Schrute
What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor
I didn't do anything!
Dwight Schrute
What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?
Jim Halpert
Hey! What the hell's goin' on?
Dwight Schrute
Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
Kelly Kapoor
I was kickin' it.
Dwight Schrute
In juvie.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Dwight Schrute
For reha-
Jim Halpert
Got it.
Dwight Schrute
What did you do? Huh?
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. (to Kelly) What did you do?
Kelly Kapoor
My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight Schrute
I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim Halpert
Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
Kelly Kapoor
You did? I wanna see the cake.
Jim Halpert
And... ta da.
Kelly Kapoor
I hate it.
Jim Halpert
How do you hate it? It's a cake.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or--- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!
Jim Halpert
Right.

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." I still don't know.

Scene 07

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!
Jim Halpert
Birthday.
Dwight Schrute
Frosting.
Kelly Kapoor
Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. (walks out)
Phyllis Vance
There's always a theme.
Dwight Schrute
Nice job on the cake, Bozo!
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.

Scene 08

1 line
Pam Beesly
(taking Michael's picture) Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah.

Scene 09

2 lines
Michael Scott
Do I look okay?
Pam Beesly
You look good.

Scene 10

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hi.
Receptionist
Hi, can I help you?
Michael Scott
Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.
Receptionist
Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat.
Michael Scott
Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?
Receptionist
Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days.
Michael Scott
Oh- She's not here?
Receptionist
But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here.
Michael Scott
A.J.
Receptionist
Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there.

Scene 11

15 lines
Michael Scott
She has a boyfriend.
Pam Beesly
I'm so sorry, Michael.
Michael Scott
How could she do this to me, Pam?
Pam Beesly
She's not doing it to hurt you.
Michael Scott
I can't do the presentation, I can't- (voice cracks) ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! (starts crying, covers his face)
Pam Beesly
Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-
Michael Scott
I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? (exhales)
Pam Beesly
You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.
Michael Scott
And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, maybe.
Michael Scott
(laughs)
Pam Beesly
Maybe. One step at a time.
Michael Scott
(sighs)
Pam Beesly
You can do this.
Michael Scott
I can do this.

Scene 12

16 lines
Oscar Martinez
It could be snacks, or-
Kevin Malone
Why would we- (cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying)
Oscar Martinez
Wha-
Kevin Malone
Is that what I think it is? (Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer)
Oscar Martinez
Good God!
Kevin Malone
(gasps)
Oscar Martinez
(laughs)
Angela Martin
(gasps)
Kevin Malone
That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!
Angela Martin
No!
Meredith Palmer
Awesome!
Angela Martin
Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed.
Kevin Malone
No way.
Angela Martin
No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. (all laugh) I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh!
Kevin Malone
Oh, the other one's watching.

Scene 13

10 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.
Dwight Schrute
Busy!
Jim Halpert
Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.
Jim Halpert
You know what? I could use a little help.
Dwight Schrute
You know what? I'm a little busy.
Jim Halpert
We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?
Dwight Schrute
It's not effeminate. It's festive.
Jim Halpert
You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!
Stanley Hudson
I know, I just read it on the sign.

Scene 14

25 lines
Michael Scott
Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper" and get them to "Show us the money!" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. (some raise their hands) Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?
A.J.
A.J.
Michael Scott
A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
A.J.
(laughs)
Michael Scott
What do you race cars?
A.J.
(laughs) I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand.
Michael Scott
Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?
A.J.
Yeah. Why, are you interested? (all laugh)
Woman
I have a question about discounts from distributors.
Michael Scott
Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?
A.J.
It's pretty serious, yes.
Michael Scott
Huh- (pauses) Does she ever talk about me? (voice cracking)
Pam Beesly
Oh, God.
A.J.
Excuse me?
Man
What does this have to do with sales?
Michael Scott
It's all connected. Shut up. (to A.J.) Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'
A.J.
No, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott
(sighs loudly) Does it feel good?
A.J.
Does what feel good?
Michael Scott
(grunts) Your life. (sits down, upset) Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. (sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset) Oh, wow. (takes deep breath) Ooh, okay.
Pam Beesly
Michael, get off the floor!
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards.
Pam Beesly
(whispering) No, no, no, you have to do it-
Michael Scott
No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. (sighs heavily) Okay... okay.
Pam Beesly
That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. (pauses) I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. (reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice) Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
(pointing to staff members) Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! (holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise) Cutting down the competition.

Scene 16

7 lines
Angela Martin
(cats meowing in background)(on Nanny-Cam) Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now.
Oscar Martinez
(chuckles)
Kevin Malone
(snickers)
Angela Martin
(meows like a cat, then hisses)
Kevin Malone
This is getting weird.
Oscar Martinez
Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? (Angela licks cat, meows)
Kevin Malone
Ohhh...

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
(sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named "Dear Michael," plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer)

Scene 18

4 lines
Angela Martin
(shivers) (meowing noises) Has this been on the entire time?
Oscar Martinez
I have no idea.
Kevin Malone
I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.
Angela Martin
(sigh of relief) Well, sorry I'm late. (clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth)

Scene 19

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.

Scene 20

1 line
Pam Beesly
(loading up car with Michael) Don't look up. Don't look up. (sighs as office workers all looking from window)

Scene 21

24 lines
Michael Scott
Want some pie?
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
I went through Holly's things.
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael...
Michael Scott
I also stole something off of her computer. A document called "Dear Michael."
Pam Beesly
You did what?
Michael Scott
I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it.
Pam Beesly
She never sent it to you?
Michael Scott
No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust.
Michael Scott
How?
Pam Beesly
Because, she didn't send it to you!
Michael Scott
I know, I know. You're right, you're right.
Pam Beesly
I could read it.
Michael Scott
No, that wouldn't-
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I could read it.
Michael Scott
No, you don't have to do that.
Pam Beesly
Go get your laptop.
Michael Scott
Okay. (leaves to get laptop)
Pam Beesly
(to camera) What? I'm not in love with her.

Scene 22

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
(blowing up balloon, breathes loudly) You have to write my suggestions down, too.
Jim Halpert
I'm not writing, "Horse Hunt." I don't even know what that means.
Dwight Schrute
It's in the name.
Jim Halpert
(grunts) Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.
Dwight Schrute
You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid.
Jim Halpert
Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved?
Dwight Schrute
Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. (pretends to bite)
Jim Halpert
Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one.
Dwight Schrute
Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. (rolls eyes) What about you?
Jim Halpert
Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight Schrute
That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim Halpert
(to camera) Didn't see that one coming.

Scene 23

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(closes laptop) It's deleted.
Michael Scott
Well?
Pam Beesly
She still has feelings for you.
Michael Scott
She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
Pam Beesly
I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over.
Michael Scott
You're sure?
Pam Beesly
(nods and smiles)
Michael Scott
(smiles, sighs, chuckles) Okay.

Scene 24

37 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(enters conference room)
Everyone
Happy Birthday!
Meredith Palmer
Surprise!
Dwight Schrute
Hey, it's not a surprise.
Jim Halpert
Not a surprise.
Kelly Kapoor
This doesn't look good.
Jim Halpert
What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly?
Kelly Kapoor
(shakes her head no)
Dwight Schrute
Told you.
Jim Halpert
You haven't heard our theme, though.
Kelly Kapoor
You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake?
Jim Halpert
That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television.
Dwight Schrute
Our theme, if you will.
Jim Halpert
Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping.
Dwight Schrute
That's our theme.
Kelly Kapoor
Cool.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor
I love it.
Dwight Schrute
(high-fives Jim) Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?
Kevin Malone
Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
No.
Kevin Malone
Oh, then pick TV.
Meredith Palmer
Take a nap!
Oscar Martinez
TV.
Kevin Malone
No, watching TV at work is really cool.
Stanley Hudson
Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now.
Creed Bratton
Bonnie Hunt is on.
Kelly Kapoor
You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go.
Meredith Palmer
Surprise.
Dwight Schrute
Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this.
Jim Halpert
Ahem. This is for you... and (puts blanket around her shoulders) ...Happy Birthday, Kel.
Kelly Kapoor
(giggles) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
(turns off lights) Okay, you've got one hour. (shuts door)
Kelly Kapoor
I'm too excited to sleep.

Scene 25

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Mm, great cake.
Jim Halpert
Thanks. (both eat cake)

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly) Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. (slaps Kelly's butt) Many happy returns. (slams door)

Scene 27

7 lines
Michael Scott
I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Pam Beesly
No, we don't need to do that.
Michael Scott
Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!
Pam Beesly
You mean Tony?
Michael Scott
Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.