Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Blood Drive

Vol. 5 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

Valentine’s Day at Dunder Mifflin means Michael is on a hunt for a mystery woman who left her glove at a blood drive. Between the awkward singles mixer and Jim and Pam’s cringeworthy lunch with the Vances, there’s a lot of classic chaos to revisit. You’ll find every line from the episode in this complete script, including Michael’s unique take on how Cupid’s sparrow gets the job done.

Scene 01

6 lines
Phone Salesman
Hi.
Pam Beesly
Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman
Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman
Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam Beesly
Shoot.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. (realizing) Vending machine.

Scene 03

23 lines
Phone Salesman
How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.
Pam Beesly
That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman
Great.
Pam Beesly
(while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time) Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...
Jim Halpert
(approaching Reception) Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam Beesly
There he is!
Phone Salesman
Oh, hi! Great.
Jim Halpert
Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael Scott
(coming out from his office) Hello, may I help you?
Jim Halpert
Jimbo!
Michael Scott
...Jim.
Jim Halpert
(impersonating Fonzie) Ayyyy!
Michael Scott
Ayyyy!
Pam Beesly
Ayyyy!
Michael Scott
Ayyyy!
Jim Halpert
Ayyyy!
Dwight Schrute
(running from his desk) Ayyyy!
Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight
Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman
Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going.
Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight
Ayyyy!
Michael Scott
(laughing) What was that?
Pam Beesly
That was funny.
Michael Scott
That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!

Scene 04

4 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
Kevin Malone
I miss Stacy.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...
Kevin Malone
I can't even imagine.

Scene 05

4 lines
Pam Beesly
This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.
Jim Halpert
You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.
Pam Beesly
Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. (Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away) She's fine.

Scene 06

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. (Kelly opens the envelope) Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. (Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side) They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. (Kevin groans)

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.

Scene 09

21 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, really, they're back?
Pam Beesly
I can't see them when they're on the floor
Jim Halpert
They're for her to look at, Michael.
Michael Scott
Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim Halpert
Yes, let's have a word.
Michael Scott
Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim Halpert
I understand that.
Dwight Schrute
So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael Scott
Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest--
Jim Halpert
We do.
Michael Scott
--that none of us can be a part of--
Pam Beesly
You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott
(gesturing Pam to be quiet) --then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim Halpert
That sounds fun.
Michael Scott
So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael Scott
So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.

Scene 10

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Having trouble finding a vein?
Blood Drive Worker
Yup, a little.
Dwight Schrute
How about now? (Dwight untenses his arm)

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. (pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat)

Scene 12

22 lines
Michael Scott
I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that --
Blood Drive Worker
You're gonna need to lie down right over here.
Michael Scott
Okay. Hello.
Blood Girl
Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK.
Blood Girl
Whew, I'm really nervous.
Michael Scott
Yeah, me too.
Blood Girl
Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Michael Scott
Oh, well, that's fine.
Blood Girl
Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
Michael Scott
Yeah, can I point something out to you?
Blood Girl
Sure.
Michael Scott
You're actually talking a lot.
Blood Girl
Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Michael Scott
Okay, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker
Alright, here we go.
Michael Scott
Oh, God. (Michael clears his throat)
Blood Drive Worker
Just relax.
Michael Scott
Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. (Blood Girl laughs) Hawaiian blood punch.
Blood Girl
Oh, that's gross.
Michael Scott
Type O-Ocean Spray.
Blood Girl
God, stop. Stop it.

Scene 13

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. (whispering) Michael is terrified of bob.
Pam Beesly
What do you think?
Jim Halpert
I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.
Pam Beesly
We're in.

Scene 14

20 lines
Michael Scott
Yick.
Blood Girl
What?
Michael Scott
I looked at the bag.
Blood Girl
Ew.
Michael Scott
I looked straight at the bag.
Blood Girl
That's not good.
Michael Scott
Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?
Blood Girl
Well, ok... bags! (Michael is taken aback) Alright, that was bad.
Michael Scott
That was mean.
Blood Girl
Um, a hat.
Michael Scott
A hat.
Blood Girl
A hat with no blood in it?
Michael Scott
That is full of soup.
Blood Girl
You're cute.
Michael Scott
What?
Blood Drive Worker
You're done.
Michael Scott
Oh, already.
Blood Girl
Ah, we did it!
Michael Scott
Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. (Michael passes out)
Blood Girl
Is he OK?

Scene 15

6 lines
Michael Scott
(ccming to) Oh my God, how long was I out? (Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank)
Hank Tate
What?
Michael Scott
Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Blood Drive Worker
Oh. She left.
Michael Scott
OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.
Blood Drive Worker
I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. (Michael sighs)

Scene 16

4 lines
Meredith Palmer
(seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half) What are you doing?
Kelly Kapoor
Decorating.
Meredith Palmer
I'll help. (Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid) Now it's just a stupid baby.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, thanks.

Scene 17

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam Beesly
Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis Vance
I know
Bob
I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis Vance
He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah, I understood.

Scene 18

7 lines
Michael Scott
Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. (in a Mexican accent) Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly Kapoor
Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael Scott
Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. (Kelly looks hurt) Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
I don't think so.
Michael Scott
Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
Oscar Martinez
I can't.
Michael Scott
If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?

Scene 19

17 lines
Bob
Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. (Bob does so)
Jim Halpert
No way, a 280?
Pam Beesly
Wow, that's impressive.
Phyllis Vance
Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim Halpert
Yikes.
Phyllis Vance
Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. (Bob does so reluctantly)
Jim Halpert
No. Bob, no. No!
Pam Beesly
What?
Bob
One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Phyllis Vance
Yes I do.
Pam Beesly
Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim Halpert
That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam Beesly
Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim Halpert
But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam Beesly
No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob
Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Jim Halpert
Nobody asked, Bob!

Scene 20

33 lines
Oscar Martinez
Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela Martin
Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar Martinez
I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin Malone
Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael Scott
Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar Martinez
He told me he wasn't gay. (everyone groans)
Michael Scott
Really sad.
Oscar Martinez
I'm not done yet.
Michael Scott
Oh my God.
Kevin Malone
A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City." (everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised)
Michael Scott
Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Angela Martin
My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela Martin
No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar Martinez
Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela Martin
I guess I have. Huh.
Michael Scott
Alright who's next? Where's Andy?
Oscar Martinez
He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott
What?
Oscar Martinez
He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.
Kevin Malone
My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said that we're done.
Michael Scott
You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
Dwight Schrute
You're right. OK everyone, back to work.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight Schrute
A net? a giant net?
Michael Scott
No. Not a giant net.
Dwight Schrute
What do you have in mind?
Michael Scott
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight Schrute
Oh God, that's a terrible idea.
Michael Scott
Old fashioned meet market --
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
-- I don't think it is.
Dwight Schrute
Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

Scene 22

23 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. No movement.
Michael Scott
Ah, still early.
Dwight Schrute
Eh, its not that early.
Michael Scott
(sighs) So how you holding up?
Dwight Schrute
I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Michael Scott
No. No, I meant about being single today.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Meh.
Michael Scott
Meh, exactly. Eh.
Dwight Schrute
Eh.
Michael Scott
Oh, here we go.
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Michael Scott
Hello. (two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead)
Dwight Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? (Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde) Hi, Dwight.
Michael Scott
Babe alert! (to the redhead) Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Lynn
Oh, hi! I'm Lynn.
Michael Scott
Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
Kevin Malone
Hello.
Lynn
Hi.
Michael Scott
(after a short pause) So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. (after another pause) Where you from?
Kevin Malone
I'm from here!
Michael Scott
Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.
Kevin Malone
Thank you, Michael.

Scene 23

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Blonde
I- I- believe you.
Dwight Schrute
You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Blonde
Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
Dwight Schrute
You must use a lot of paper.
Blonde
Oh God tons of it .

Scene 24

6 lines
Pam Beesly
What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Jim Halpert
I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.
Pam Beesly
Oh, damn. (Pam looks down at her salad) They've been in there for like ten minutes.
Jim Halpert
Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Pam Beesly
Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
Jim Halpert
We should help him out. (Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom)

Scene 25

3 lines
Kevin Malone
At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool.
Lynn
That does sound cool.
Kevin Malone
I used to go there with my fiance (Lynn is taken aback). Before she left me (Lynn shows pity). No, I mean, before I left her (Lynn looks confused). She left me. (Kevin walks away dejected)

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.

Scene 27

3 lines
Michael Scott
So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Eric
I am.
Michael Scott
Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. (Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door) Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so (looking at his watch) it's not too late.

Scene 29

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?
Michael Scott
No reason.
Dwight Schrute
Is somebody after you?
Oscar Martinez
Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, it just takes one!
Michael Scott
Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly Kapoor
You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Michael Scott
It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith Palmer
She could be your soul mate.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.
Oscar Martinez
It's possible.
Kelly Kapoor
She could be.
Michael Scott
Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Kelly Kapoor
Aww. (Michael grins sheepishly)

Scene 30

10 lines
Jim Halpert
Here they come.
Pam Beesly
(looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food) What?
Jim Halpert
No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough.
Pam Beesly
Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.
Jim Halpert
Oh great, I have to cover?
Pam Beesly
Do you think they dined and dashed?
Jim Halpert
Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.
Pam Beesly
I thought we were having a nice time.
Jim Halpert
We were.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 31

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(emerging from the Men's room) Empty.
Pam Beesly
(exiting the Ladies' room) Mine too. (Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate)
Jim Halpert
Oh boy.
Pam Beesly
My God.
Jim Halpert
OK.

Scene 32

2 lines
Girl
Is this the party? (everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl)
Michael Scott
Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.

Scene 33

11 lines
Bob
OK then.
Jim Halpert
So...
Bob
Where were we?
Phyllis Vance
(out of breath) Bowling.
Pam Beesly
Yep, that, yeah.
Bob
You didn't eat much there Jimbo.
Jim Halpert
Oh initially I did.
Bob
Want some meat?
Phyllis Vance
Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.
Bob
Forgot.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, thank you. (As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera)

Scene 34

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn
That's really sweaty.
Kevin Malone
Are you on email?
Lynn
Oh, yeah. (gives Kevin her card)
Kevin Malone
Cool. Bye.
Lynn
Bye, Kevin.

Scene 35

1 line
Kevin Malone
Good Valentine's.

Scene 36

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
Blonde
OK. (Blonde stands up to leave)
Dwight Schrute
OK, what's up?
Blonde
Look, I'm gonna go...
Dwight Schrute
Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign--
Blonde
Look, we already have a paper supplier.
Dwight Schrute
OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Michael Scott
Hey, you don't deserve her.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks, Michael.

Scene 37

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, if anybody wants to go...
Oscar Martinez
We can stay a little longer.
Michael Scott
Really? (everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake) Oh, thanks.
Kelly Kapoor
Michael, it's time.
Michael Scott
You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit.
Oscar Martinez
Come on, we'll all go.
Michael Scott
(after some encouragement) OK.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.

Scene 39

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.
Blood Drive Worker
Of course. (noticing Stanley's arm) That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.
Stanley Hudson
(backing out of the bloodmobile) I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just (to Phyllis) Band-Aids.
Phyllis Vance
Damn.