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Season 5 Episode 16
Blood Drive

Every line from The Office episode "Blood Drive", season 5 episode 16.

Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam Beesly: Shoot.
Pam Beesly: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. (realizing) Vending machine.
Phone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.
Pam Beesly: That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman: Great.
Pam Beesly: (while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time) Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...
Jim Halpert: (approaching Reception) Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam Beesly: There he is!
Phone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.
Jim Halpert: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael Scott: (coming out from his office) Hello, may I help you?
Jim Halpert: Jimbo!
Michael Scott: ...Jim.
Jim Halpert: (impersonating Fonzie) Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Pam Beesly: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Jim Halpert: Ayyyy!
Dwight Schrute: (running from his desk) Ayyyy!
Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight: Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman: Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going.
Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: (laughing) What was that?
Pam Beesly: That was funny.
Michael Scott: That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
Kevin Malone: I miss Stacy.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...
Kevin Malone: I can't even imagine.
Pam Beesly: This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.
Jim Halpert: You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.
Pam Beesly: Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. (Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away) She's fine.
Kelly Kapoor: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. (Kelly opens the envelope) Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. (Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side) They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. (Kevin groans)
Michael Scott: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
Michael Scott: Pam, really, they're back?
Pam Beesly: I can't see them when they're on the floor
Jim Halpert: They're for her to look at, Michael.
Michael Scott: Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim Halpert: Yes, let's have a word.
Michael Scott: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim Halpert: I understand that.
Dwight Schrute: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael Scott: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest--
Jim Halpert: We do.
Michael Scott: --that none of us can be a part of--
Pam Beesly: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott: (gesturing Pam to be quiet) --then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim Halpert: That sounds fun.
Michael Scott: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael Scott: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
Dwight Schrute: Having trouble finding a vein?
Blood Drive Worker: Yup, a little.
Dwight Schrute: How about now? (Dwight untenses his arm)
Dwight Schrute: I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. (pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat)
Michael Scott: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that --
Blood Drive Worker: You're gonna need to lie down right over here.
Michael Scott: Okay. Hello.
Blood Girl: Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK.
Blood Girl: Whew, I'm really nervous.
Michael Scott: Yeah, me too.
Blood Girl: Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, that's fine.
Blood Girl: Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah, can I point something out to you?
Blood Girl: Sure.
Michael Scott: You're actually talking a lot.
Blood Girl: Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Michael Scott: Okay, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker: Alright, here we go.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. (Michael clears his throat)
Blood Drive Worker: Just relax.
Michael Scott: Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. (Blood Girl laughs) Hawaiian blood punch.
Blood Girl: Oh, that's gross.
Michael Scott: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Blood Girl: God, stop. Stop it.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. (whispering) Michael is terrified of bob.
Pam Beesly: What do you think?
Jim Halpert: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.
Pam Beesly: We're in.
Michael Scott: Yick.
Blood Girl: What?
Michael Scott: I looked at the bag.
Blood Girl: Ew.
Michael Scott: I looked straight at the bag.
Blood Girl: That's not good.
Michael Scott: Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?
Blood Girl: Well, ok... bags! (Michael is taken aback) Alright, that was bad.
Michael Scott: That was mean.
Blood Girl: Um, a hat.
Michael Scott: A hat.
Blood Girl: A hat with no blood in it?
Michael Scott: That is full of soup.
Blood Girl: You're cute.
Michael Scott: What?
Blood Drive Worker: You're done.
Michael Scott: Oh, already.
Blood Girl: Ah, we did it!
Michael Scott: Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. (Michael passes out)
Blood Girl: Is he OK?
Michael Scott: (ccming to) Oh my God, how long was I out? (Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank)
Hank Tate: What?
Michael Scott: Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Blood Drive Worker: Oh. She left.
Michael Scott: OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.
Blood Drive Worker: I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. (Michael sighs)
Meredith Palmer: (seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half) What are you doing?
Kelly Kapoor: Decorating.
Meredith Palmer: I'll help. (Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid) Now it's just a stupid baby.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, thanks.
Phyllis Vance: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam Beesly: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis Vance: I know
Bob: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis Vance: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah, I understood.
Michael Scott: Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. (in a Mexican accent) Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. (Kelly looks hurt) Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.
Oscar Martinez: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
Oscar Martinez: I can't.
Michael Scott: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?
Bob: Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. (Bob does so)
Jim Halpert: No way, a 280?
Pam Beesly: Wow, that's impressive.
Phyllis Vance: Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim Halpert: Yikes.
Phyllis Vance: Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. (Bob does so reluctantly)
Jim Halpert: No. Bob, no. No!
Pam Beesly: What?
Bob: One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Phyllis Vance: Yes I do.
Pam Beesly: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim Halpert: That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam Beesly: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim Halpert: But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam Beesly: No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob: Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Jim Halpert: Nobody asked, Bob!
Oscar Martinez: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela Martin: Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar Martinez: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin Malone: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael Scott: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar Martinez: He told me he wasn't gay. (everyone groans)
Michael Scott: Really sad.
Oscar Martinez: I'm not done yet.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Kevin Malone: A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City." (everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised)
Michael Scott: Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Angela Martin: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela Martin: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela Martin: I guess I have. Huh.
Michael Scott: Alright who's next? Where's Andy?
Oscar Martinez: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar Martinez: He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.
Kevin Malone: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said that we're done.
Michael Scott: You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
Dwight Schrute: You're right. OK everyone, back to work.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight Schrute: A net? a giant net?
Michael Scott: No. Not a giant net.
Dwight Schrute: What do you have in mind?
Michael Scott: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight Schrute: Oh God, that's a terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Old fashioned meet market --
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: -- I don't think it is.
Dwight Schrute: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Michael Scott: These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. No movement.
Michael Scott: Ah, still early.
Dwight Schrute: Eh, its not that early.
Michael Scott: (sighs) So how you holding up?
Dwight Schrute: I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Michael Scott: No. No, I meant about being single today.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. Meh.
Michael Scott: Meh, exactly. Eh.
Dwight Schrute: Eh.
Michael Scott: Oh, here we go.
Dwight Schrute: Hello.
Michael Scott: Hello. (two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead)
Dwight Schrute: Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? (Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde) Hi, Dwight.
Michael Scott: Babe alert! (to the redhead) Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Lynn: Oh, hi! I'm Lynn.
Michael Scott: Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
Kevin Malone: Hello.
Lynn: Hi.
Michael Scott: (after a short pause) So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. (after another pause) Where you from?
Kevin Malone: I'm from here!
Michael Scott: Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.
Kevin Malone: Thank you, Michael.
Dwight Schrute: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Blonde: I- I- believe you.
Dwight Schrute: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Blonde: Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
Dwight Schrute: You must use a lot of paper.
Blonde: Oh God tons of it .
Pam Beesly: What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Jim Halpert: I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.
Pam Beesly: Oh, damn. (Pam looks down at her salad) They've been in there for like ten minutes.
Jim Halpert: Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Pam Beesly: Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
Jim Halpert: We should help him out. (Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom)
Kevin Malone: At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool.
Lynn: That does sound cool.
Kevin Malone: I used to go there with my fiance (Lynn is taken aback). Before she left me (Lynn shows pity). No, I mean, before I left her (Lynn looks confused). She left me. (Kevin walks away dejected)
Kevin Malone: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.
Michael Scott: So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Eric: I am.
Michael Scott: Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk.
Michael Scott: It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. (Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door) Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so (looking at his watch) it's not too late.
Dwight Schrute: ...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?
Michael Scott: No reason.
Dwight Schrute: Is somebody after you?
Oscar Martinez: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, it just takes one!
Michael Scott: Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly Kapoor: You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Michael Scott: It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith Palmer: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.
Oscar Martinez: It's possible.
Kelly Kapoor: She could be.
Michael Scott: Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Kelly Kapoor: Aww. (Michael grins sheepishly)
Jim Halpert: Here they come.
Pam Beesly: (looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food) What?
Jim Halpert: No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough.
Pam Beesly: Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.
Jim Halpert: Oh great, I have to cover?
Pam Beesly: Do you think they dined and dashed?
Jim Halpert: Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.
Pam Beesly: I thought we were having a nice time.
Jim Halpert: We were.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: (emerging from the Men's room) Empty.
Pam Beesly: (exiting the Ladies' room) Mine too. (Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate)
Jim Halpert: Oh boy.
Pam Beesly: My God.
Jim Halpert: OK.
Girl: Is this the party? (everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl)
Michael Scott: Nah. (everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Bob: OK then.
Jim Halpert: So...
Bob: Where were we?
Phyllis Vance: (out of breath) Bowling.
Pam Beesly: Yep, that, yeah.
Bob: You didn't eat much there Jimbo.
Jim Halpert: Oh initially I did.
Bob: Want some meat?
Phyllis Vance: Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.
Bob: Forgot.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, thank you. (As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera)
Kevin Malone: Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn: That's really sweaty.
Kevin Malone: Are you on email?
Lynn: Oh, yeah. (gives Kevin her card)
Kevin Malone: Cool. Bye.
Lynn: Bye, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Good Valentine's.
Dwight Schrute: So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
Blonde: OK. (Blonde stands up to leave)
Dwight Schrute: OK, what's up?
Blonde: Look, I'm gonna go...
Dwight Schrute: Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign--
Blonde: Look, we already have a paper supplier.
Dwight Schrute: OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Michael Scott: Hey, you don't deserve her.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey, if anybody wants to go...
Oscar Martinez: We can stay a little longer.
Michael Scott: Really? (everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake) Oh, thanks.
Kelly Kapoor: Michael, it's time.
Michael Scott: You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit.
Oscar Martinez: Come on, we'll all go.
Michael Scott: (after some encouragement) OK.
Michael Scott: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.
Stanley Hudson: Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.
Blood Drive Worker: Of course. (noticing Stanley's arm) That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.
Stanley Hudson: (backing out of the bloodmobile) I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just (to Phyllis) Band-Aids.
Phyllis Vance: Damn.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 5. Blood Drive is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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