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Season 5 Episode 17
Golden Ticket

Every line from The Office episode "Golden Ticket", season 5 episode 17.

Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Yeah, that's no problem.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Sure. Uh huh.
Michael Scott: Pam? Knock, knock.
Pam Beesly: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: I know you are. Knock, knock.
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1--
Michael Scott: (at same time as Pam) 4-9-1-7-4-5-1
Pam Beesly: 0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. (to Michael) It really makes us look unprofessional.
Michael Scott: They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. (Dwight walks over)
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Who's there?
Michael Scott: Buddha.
Pam Beesly: Buddha who?
Michael Scott: (puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk) Buddha this bread for me, won't you? (Michael and Dwight laugh)
Pam Beesly: Great.
Michael Scott: I, I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam Beesly: Now there's, there's butter on my desk.
Michael Scott: That was helping. It was classic.
Dwight Schrute: I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael Scott: No... God.
Dwight Schrute: OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: (clears throat) Knock, knock.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Dwight Schrute: KGB.
Michael Scott: KGB - (Dwight slaps Michael on the face)
Dwight Schrute: (in Russian accent) We will ask the questions!
Michael Scott: What the hell was that? (Michael starts to fight with Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Michael Scott: You, you like that?
Dwight Schrute: C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.
Michael Scott: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.
Jim Halpert: Ding Dong.
Michael Scott: (to Jim) Who's there?
Jim Halpert: KGB.
Michael Scott: Dwight, get the door.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not answering it.
Michael Scott: Answer the door.
Jim Halpert: Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute: No way, it's the KGB.
Jim Halpert: Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna answer it
Dwight Schrute: I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. (Jim slaps Dwight)
Jim Halpert: The KGB will wait for no one! (Michael laughs)
Dwight Schrute: It's true.
Pam Beesly: (Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka) Good morning, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa.
Pam Beesly: Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages.
Michael Scott: Why thank you very much. (notices jelly beans) Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!
Pam Beesly: Jelly beans.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!
Michael Scott: The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.
Michael Scott: I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. (Jim raises hand) Umm hmm.
Jim Halpert: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends --
Michael Scott: Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'
Jim Halpert: 'Free paper.'
Michael Scott: No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.
Andy Bernard: Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it -- I don't get this...
Michael Scott: No, you don't. No, it - (sighs) What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right?
Kevin Malone: I think I should call her.
Andy Bernard: No! No! No!
Kevin Malone: Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
Andy Bernard: (sighs) You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.'
Kevin Malone: But I do like her just the way she is.
Andy Bernard: Well that's not what we agreed on.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: Huh?
Jim Halpert: (to Kevin) Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.
Andy Bernard: No.
Pam Beesly: You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out.
Andy Bernard: You're asking him to give up all of his power.
Jim Halpert: What power?
Kevin Malone: Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.
Andy Bernard: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'
Pam Beesly: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim Halpert: Well guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy Bernard: That's low, Tuna.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. (puts hand on receiver and speaks to office) One of my clients found a golden ticket. (Michael screams in excitement) (Jim back on phone) Yup. No, congratulations. (Michael dances in background)
Michael Scott: Woo hoo.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) I'll take that down right now.
Michael Scott: Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...
Jim Halpert: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: ...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Hold on one second.
Michael Scott: Invite them on the tour.
Jim Halpert: (to Michael) It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Michael Scott: Really? That's kind of a big client. (gets up and heads toward Oscar) Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?
Oscar Martinez: Ten percent?
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Oscar Martinez: They're our largest client.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: It's gonna hurt.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't.
Jim Halpert: How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
Michael Scott: I thought I did. So...
Jim Halpert: OK...
Michael Scott: Well no harm no foul.
Jim Halpert: ...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
Michael Scott: You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good.
Michael Scott: Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Darryl Philbin: Start over.
Michael Scott: Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl Philbin: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael Scott: Irrelevant.
Darryl Philbin: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael Scott: OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?
Michael Scott: My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. (sighs) That... (sighs)
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. (Michael shakes his head to Pam) No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
Pam Beesly: When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one.
Michael Scott: Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?
Oscar Martinez: They can.
Michael Scott: No, they can't.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, they can.
Michael Scott: Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?
Michael Scott: Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -
Jim Halpert: So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Jim is with me.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not, I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed Bratton: That's not why.
Michael Scott: OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. (Pam raises hand) Yes.
Pam Beesly: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? (Pam's phone rings)
Jim Halpert: Good one.
Michael Scott: OK, don't get that. Please? (Pam gets up to answer her phone)
Stanley Hudson: I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Michael Scott: That is not constructive.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so--
David Wallace: (on speaker phone) Michael, what the hell is going on here?
Michael Scott: How are you doing?
David Wallace: Fine. What is going on?
Michael Scott: (reading from computer) My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
David Wallace: Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Michael Scott: Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.
David Wallace: How could you not know Michael?
Michael Scott: I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
David Wallace: Might have hi--- OK, what firm?
Michael Scott: You're breaking up.
David Wallace: Michael?
Michael Scott: OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant.
David Wallace: Was it the sales department?
Michael Scott: Yes.
David Wallace: Was it Jim?
Michael Scott: No.
David Wallace: OK, was it Dwight?
Michael Scott: (long pause) Yes.
Michael Scott: (Dwight walks in) Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Dwight Schrute: That was your idea.
Michael Scott: Woah, wow, who told you that?
Dwight Schrute: You did. Several times. Over and over again.
Michael Scott: (same time as Dwight) No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (same time as Michael) You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Michael Scott: I'm not taking... I'm not taking...
Dwight Schrute: Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't.
Michael Scott: Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.
Dwight Schrute: You don't keep a diary.
Michael Scott: Yes I do. You've just never seen it. (reading from diary) March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Dwight Schrute: Hold that thought. (Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns) (flipping through diary) March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight Schrute: To keep secrets from my computer.
Michael Scott: OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible.
Michael Scott: Yes, you did.
Dwight Schrute: I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math.
Michael Scott: What are you writing? (Dwight writes in diary)
Dwight Schrute: Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.
Michael Scott: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Dwight Schrute: With all my heart.
Kevin Malone: You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Jim Halpert: All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin Malone: Right.
Pam Beesly: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim Halpert: No, that is what I mean.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Shush. (to Kevin) Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic.
Kevin Malone: (puts hand on Jim's hand) Like that?
Jim Halpert: No, stop it.
Andy Bernard: Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.
Andy Bernard: (Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other) ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.
Michael Scott: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking--
Dwight Schrute: OK, what am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott: Umm, nacho chips.
Dwight Schrute: No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, not gonna happen.
Dwight Schrute: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.
Michael Scott: Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Dwight Schrute: What about Shoe La La?
Michael Scott: (sighs) It's not ready yet.
Michael Scott: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.
Michael Scott: May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar Martinez: These aren't announcements.
Michael Scott: Yes they are, you just don't care about the information.
Dwight Schrute: I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Michael Scott: He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Dwight Schrute: Well...
Michael Scott: I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion...
Dwight Schrute: We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Michael Scott: Right.
Dwight Schrute: No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Michael Scott: That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.
Dwight Schrute: Try me.
Michael Scott: That's why you made the decision. That's why you made...
Dwight Schrute: I haven't made a decision yet.
Michael Scott: You kind of have.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: You cannot take the fall for him.
Dwight Schrute: He said he would do the same for me.
Jim Halpert: He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
Jim Halpert: There it is.
Michael Scott: (seeing David Wallace come into the office) Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? (Dwight runs into Michael's office) What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? (David knocks on Michael's door and opens door) Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
David Wallace: That's too bad.
Michael Scott: Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?
David Wallace: Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. (holds out hand for handshake)
Dwight Schrute: David... you're welcome. (Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations)
David Wallace: I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? (everyone starts clapping)
David Wallace: Alright Dwight. This is huge.
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said! (David laughs)
Michael Scott: Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?
Dwight Schrute: Inspiration.
Michael Scott: Really? How did-- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: (same time as Michael) You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom.
Michael Scott: Give me the details of how that happened.
Jim Halpert: You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.
Dwight Schrute: Apology rejected.
Pam Beesly: (going up to give Dwight a hug) Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh Pam.
Creed Bratton: Good work, kid.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks old man.
David Wallace: This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
David Wallace: Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Michael Scott: David? David?
Dwight Schrute: (same time as Michael) 'Cause I've got this idea...
Michael Scott: David?
David Wallace: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Could I be a part of the meeting also?
David Wallace: You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. (David laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Alright.
David Wallace: (on speakerphone) Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Dwight Schrute: OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Man on phone: Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? (cut to show Michael on the other line) I hear panting.
David Wallace: No. No dogs.
Dwight Schrute: So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea (Michael comes into conference room).
Michael Scott: There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Pam Beesly: It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Dwight Schrute: Pam...
Michael Scott: I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
Dwight Schrute: That is my idea.
David Wallace: (on phone) We are gonna call you back guys. (to Michael) What is going on here?
Michael Scott: OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
David Wallace: No, no.
Dwight Schrute: It is my idea.
Michael Scott: Oh how dare you.
Dwight Schrute: It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.
Michael Scott: You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?
Dwight Schrute: Horse Boat.
Michael Scott: Oh please.
Dwight Schrute: A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!
Michael Scott: Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge...
Dwight Schrute: Oh give me a break.
Michael Scott: ...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight Schrute: That's because they're easy!
Michael Scott: They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Dwight Schrute: (same time as Michael) Women's urinals... uh...
David Wallace: (same time as Michael and Dwight) Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death.
Michael Scott: Thank You!
David Wallace: What, I don't -- what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott: Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.
David Wallace: OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Pam Beesly: OK.
David Wallace: I am gone.
Michael Scott: When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.
Dwight Schrute: Oh I am. In my own words.
Michael Scott: I want to see it.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: I want to see it. (Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary)
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Give me... Give me the diary.
Dwight Schrute: No! (Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand)
Lynn: Hi.
Kevin Malone: Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin Malone: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin Malone: Nice. (Both laugh) Boobs. (Lynn blushes)
Andy Bernard: Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh!
Dwight Schrute: Ding dong.
Jim Halpert: Who is it?
Dwight Schrute: KGB.
Jim Halpert: Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.
Dwight Schrute: (in accent) When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.
Dwight Schrute: We have more houses to visit.
Jim Halpert: If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.
Dwight Schrute: We will come back at... how is (looks at watch) 4:45?
Jim Halpert: I get back from work around 6.
Dwight Schrute: How about 5:15?
Jim Halpert: You can try. That, that might work.
Dwight Schrute: Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
Jim Halpert: Alright.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 17 season 5. Golden Ticket is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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