Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Golden Ticket

Vol. 5 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

Here's the complete script for "Golden Ticket," where Michael tries to blame Dwight for a marketing idea that backfires. You'll find every hilarious quote and interaction from the whole Scranton crew right here. It’s got all the lines from the KGB knock-knock jokes to the awkward dating advice Kevin gets from the office pros.

Scene 01

48 lines
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) Yeah, that's no problem.
Michael Scott
Pam?
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) Sure. Uh huh.
Michael Scott
Pam? Knock, knock.
Pam Beesly
I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott
I know you are. Knock, knock.
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1--
Michael Scott
(at same time as Pam) 4-9-1-7-4-5-1
Pam Beesly
0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. (to Michael) It really makes us look unprofessional.
Michael Scott
They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. (Dwight walks over)
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Who's there?
Michael Scott
Buddha.
Pam Beesly
Buddha who?
Michael Scott
(puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk) Buddha this bread for me, won't you? (Michael and Dwight laugh)
Pam Beesly
Great.
Michael Scott
I, I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam Beesly
Now there's, there's butter on my desk.
Michael Scott
That was helping. It was classic.
Dwight Schrute
I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael Scott
No... God.
Dwight Schrute
OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
(clears throat) Knock, knock.
Michael Scott
Who's there?
Dwight Schrute
KGB.
Michael Scott
KGB - (Dwight slaps Michael on the face)
Dwight Schrute
(in Russian accent) We will ask the questions!
Michael Scott
What the hell was that? (Michael starts to fight with Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Michael Scott
You, you like that?
Dwight Schrute
C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.
Michael Scott
Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.
Jim Halpert
Ding Dong.
Michael Scott
(to Jim) Who's there?
Jim Halpert
KGB.
Michael Scott
Dwight, get the door.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not answering it.
Michael Scott
Answer the door.
Jim Halpert
Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute
No way, it's the KGB.
Jim Halpert
Ding dong.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael Scott
I'm not gonna answer it
Dwight Schrute
I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. (Jim slaps Dwight)
Jim Halpert
The KGB will wait for no one! (Michael laughs)
Dwight Schrute
It's true.

Scene 02

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka) Good morning, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa.
Pam Beesly
Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages.
Michael Scott
Why thank you very much. (notices jelly beans) Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!
Pam Beesly
Jelly beans.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.

Scene 04

7 lines
Michael Scott
I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. (Jim raises hand) Umm hmm.
Jim Halpert
We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends --
Michael Scott
Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'
Jim Halpert
'Free paper.'
Michael Scott
No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.
Andy Bernard
Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it -- I don't get this...
Michael Scott
No, you don't. No, it - (sighs) What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right?

Scene 05

13 lines
Kevin Malone
I think I should call her.
Andy Bernard
No! No! No!
Kevin Malone
Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
Andy Bernard
(sighs) You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.'
Kevin Malone
But I do like her just the way she is.
Andy Bernard
Well that's not what we agreed on.
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
Huh?
Jim Halpert
(to Kevin) Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.
Andy Bernard
No.
Pam Beesly
You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out.
Andy Bernard
You're asking him to give up all of his power.
Jim Halpert
What power?

Scene 06

1 line
Kevin Malone
Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.

Scene 07

4 lines
Andy Bernard
You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'
Pam Beesly
That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim Halpert
Well guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy Bernard
That's low, Tuna.

Scene 08

16 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. (puts hand on receiver and speaks to office) One of my clients found a golden ticket. (Michael screams in excitement) (Jim back on phone) Yup. No, congratulations. (Michael dances in background)
Michael Scott
Woo hoo.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) I'll take that down right now.
Michael Scott
Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...
Jim Halpert
I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott
...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hold on one second.
Michael Scott
Invite them on the tour.
Jim Halpert
(to Michael) It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Michael Scott
Really? That's kind of a big client. (gets up and heads toward Oscar) Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?
Oscar Martinez
Ten percent?
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Oscar Martinez
They're our largest client.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
It's gonna hurt.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't.

Scene 09

6 lines
Jim Halpert
How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
Michael Scott
I thought I did. So...
Jim Halpert
OK...
Michael Scott
Well no harm no foul.
Jim Halpert
...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
Michael Scott
You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good.

Scene 10

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Darryl Philbin
Start over.
Michael Scott
Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl Philbin
Were the boxes near each other?
Michael Scott
Irrelevant.
Darryl Philbin
I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael Scott
OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. (sighs) That... (sighs)

Scene 12

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. (Michael shakes his head to Pam) No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.

Scene 13

1 line
Pam Beesly
When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one.

Scene 14

19 lines
Michael Scott
Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?
Oscar Martinez
They can.
Michael Scott
No, they can't.
Oscar Martinez
Yes, they can.
Michael Scott
Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?
Michael Scott
Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -
Jim Halpert
So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Jim is with me.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely not, I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott
Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed Bratton
That's not why.
Michael Scott
OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. (Pam raises hand) Yes.
Pam Beesly
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? (Pam's phone rings)
Jim Halpert
Good one.
Michael Scott
OK, don't get that. Please? (Pam gets up to answer her phone)
Stanley Hudson
I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Michael Scott
That is not constructive.
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet.

Scene 15

19 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so--
David Wallace
(on speaker phone) Michael, what the hell is going on here?
Michael Scott
How are you doing?
David Wallace
Fine. What is going on?
Michael Scott
(reading from computer) My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
David Wallace
Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Michael Scott
Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.
David Wallace
How could you not know Michael?
Michael Scott
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
David Wallace
Might have hi--- OK, what firm?
Michael Scott
You're breaking up.
David Wallace
Michael?
Michael Scott
OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant.
David Wallace
Was it the sales department?
Michael Scott
Yes.
David Wallace
Was it Jim?
Michael Scott
No.
David Wallace
OK, was it Dwight?
Michael Scott
(long pause) Yes.

Scene 16

22 lines
Michael Scott
(Dwight walks in) Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Dwight Schrute
That was your idea.
Michael Scott
Woah, wow, who told you that?
Dwight Schrute
You did. Several times. Over and over again.
Michael Scott
(same time as Dwight) No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(same time as Michael) You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Michael Scott
I'm not taking... I'm not taking...
Dwight Schrute
Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't.
Michael Scott
Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.
Dwight Schrute
You don't keep a diary.
Michael Scott
Yes I do. You've just never seen it. (reading from diary) March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Dwight Schrute
Hold that thought. (Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns) (flipping through diary) March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
Michael Scott
Why do you have a diary?
Dwight Schrute
To keep secrets from my computer.
Michael Scott
OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight Schrute
Impossible.
Michael Scott
Yes, you did.
Dwight Schrute
I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math.
Michael Scott
What are you writing? (Dwight writes in diary)
Dwight Schrute
Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.
Michael Scott
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Dwight Schrute
With all my heart.

Scene 17

9 lines
Kevin Malone
You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Jim Halpert
All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin Malone
Right.
Pam Beesly
I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim Halpert
No, that is what I mean.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Shush. (to Kevin) Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic.
Kevin Malone
(puts hand on Jim's hand) Like that?
Jim Halpert
No, stop it.
Andy Bernard
Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.

Scene 18

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other) ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.

Scene 19

6 lines
Michael Scott
We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking--
Dwight Schrute
OK, what am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott
Umm, nacho chips.
Dwight Schrute
No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, not gonna happen.

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.

Scene 21

3 lines
Michael Scott
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Dwight Schrute
What about Shoe La La?
Michael Scott
(sighs) It's not ready yet.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.

Scene 23

3 lines
Michael Scott
May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar Martinez
These aren't announcements.
Michael Scott
Yes they are, you just don't care about the information.

Scene 24

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Michael Scott
He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Dwight Schrute
Well...
Michael Scott
I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion...
Dwight Schrute
We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Michael Scott
Right.
Dwight Schrute
No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Michael Scott
That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.
Dwight Schrute
Try me.
Michael Scott
That's why you made the decision. That's why you made...
Dwight Schrute
I haven't made a decision yet.
Michael Scott
You kind of have.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 25

5 lines
Jim Halpert
You cannot take the fall for him.
Dwight Schrute
He said he would do the same for me.
Jim Halpert
He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
Jim Halpert
There it is.

Scene 26

5 lines
Michael Scott
(seeing David Wallace come into the office) Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? (Dwight runs into Michael's office) What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? (David knocks on Michael's door and opens door) Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
David Wallace
That's too bad.
Michael Scott
Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?
David Wallace
Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. (holds out hand for handshake)
Dwight Schrute
David... you're welcome. (Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations)

Scene 27

28 lines
David Wallace
I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? (everyone starts clapping)
David Wallace
Alright Dwight. This is huge.
Dwight Schrute
That's what she said! (David laughs)
Michael Scott
Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?
Dwight Schrute
Inspiration.
Michael Scott
Really? How did-- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
(same time as Michael) You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom.
Michael Scott
Give me the details of how that happened.
Jim Halpert
You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.
Dwight Schrute
Apology rejected.
Pam Beesly
(going up to give Dwight a hug) Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Oh Pam.
Creed Bratton
Good work, kid.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks old man.
David Wallace
This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
David Wallace
Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Michael Scott
David? David?
Dwight Schrute
(same time as Michael) 'Cause I've got this idea...
Michael Scott
David?
David Wallace
Yeah?
Michael Scott
Could I be a part of the meeting also?
David Wallace
You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. (David laughs)
Dwight Schrute
Alright.

Scene 28

34 lines
David Wallace
(on speakerphone) Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Dwight Schrute
OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Man on phone
Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? (cut to show Michael on the other line) I hear panting.
David Wallace
No. No dogs.
Dwight Schrute
So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea (Michael comes into conference room).
Michael Scott
There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Pam Beesly
It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Dwight Schrute
Pam...
Michael Scott
I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
Dwight Schrute
That is my idea.
David Wallace
(on phone) We are gonna call you back guys. (to Michael) What is going on here?
Michael Scott
OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
David Wallace
No, no.
Dwight Schrute
It is my idea.
Michael Scott
Oh how dare you.
Dwight Schrute
It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.
Michael Scott
You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?
Dwight Schrute
Horse Boat.
Michael Scott
Oh please.
Dwight Schrute
A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!
Michael Scott
Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge...
Dwight Schrute
Oh give me a break.
Michael Scott
...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight Schrute
That's because they're easy!
Michael Scott
They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Dwight Schrute
(same time as Michael) Women's urinals... uh...
David Wallace
(same time as Michael and Dwight) Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death.
Michael Scott
Thank You!
David Wallace
What, I don't -- what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott
Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.
David Wallace
OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Pam Beesly
OK.
David Wallace
I am gone.

Scene 29

8 lines
Michael Scott
When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.
Dwight Schrute
Oh I am. In my own words.
Michael Scott
I want to see it.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
I want to see it. (Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary)
Dwight Schrute
No, Michael.
Michael Scott
Give me... Give me the diary.
Dwight Schrute
No! (Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand)

Scene 30

6 lines
Lynn
Hi.
Kevin Malone
Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking.
Lynn
OK.
Kevin Malone
I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn
OK.
Kevin Malone
Nice. (Both laugh) Boobs. (Lynn blushes)

Scene 31

1 line
Andy Bernard
Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh!

Scene 32

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ding dong.
Jim Halpert
Who is it?
Dwight Schrute
KGB.
Jim Halpert
Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.
Dwight Schrute
(in accent) When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.
Dwight Schrute
We have more houses to visit.
Jim Halpert
If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.
Dwight Schrute
We will come back at... how is (looks at watch) 4:45?
Jim Halpert
I get back from work around 6.
Dwight Schrute
How about 5:15?
Jim Halpert
You can try. That, that might work.
Dwight Schrute
Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
Jim Halpert
Alright.