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Season 5 Episode 18
New Boss

Every line from The Office episode "New Boss", season 5 episode 18.

Dwight Schrute: Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause.
Michael Scott: I like it.
Dwight Schrute: Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Jim Halpert: (wearing a tuxedo) I don't know. Is it classy enough?
Dwight Schrute: Jim! Enough with the classy, ok?
Jim Halpert: I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember.
Michael Scott: I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here.
Jim Halpert: And of course, classy.
Michael Scott: And classy, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?
Jim Halpert: Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. (Jim grimaces)
Michael Scott: (watches Jim grimace, copies him) You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott: He is.
Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.
Jim Halpert: Ok, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael Scott: Strawberries?
Jim Halpert: That's inspired.
Dwight Schrute: I said that! (storms out, slams door behind him)
Pam Beesly: Not classy.
Michael Scott: Not classy at all.
Jim Halpert: De class�.
Michael Scott: French. Classy.
Pam Beesly: Hi, can I help you?
Charles Minor: Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly: Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat.
Michael Scott: (on speakerphone) Yes?
Pam Beesly: Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you.
Michael Scott: Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, are you coming out now?
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. (comes out of office) Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. (shakes Charles' hand) At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. (leads round of applause) Here he is.
Charles Minor: I-I was-
Michael Scott: Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . (whispers) Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today.
Michael Scott: What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
Jim Halpert: Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-
Michael Scott: You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish.
Dwight Schrute: Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities.
Michael Scott: Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! (swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe) Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!
Dwight Schrute: We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is...
Michael Scott: Surprise! (unveils bagels sitting on table) As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles.
Charles Minor: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Took me all night.
Pam Beesly: This is what you did last night?
Michael Scott: I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. (in British cockney accent) It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental.
Kelly Kapoor: My god, he's like a black George Clooney.
Angela Martin: Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's ok, he's not unattractive, it's. . .
Jim Halpert: Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know.
Charles Minor: Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Jim Halpert: I didn't think you'd notice. (laughs nervously) Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So I just had to mess with him.
Charles Minor: Uh.
Jim Halpert: Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh.
Charles Minor: Your name is Jim?
Jim Halpert: Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... (being pulled away by Pam)
Pam Beesly: He just had to wear his tux today.
Jim Halpert: I thought it'd be funny.
Pam Beesly: Took him 40 minutes to get ready.
Michael Scott: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles Minor: Hey, I come from accounting, too.
Michael Scott: Oh, nerd alert!
Kevin Malone: Ni-
Michael Scott: This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that.
Charles Minor: Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you.
Michael Scott: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange (points to Andy)
Andy Bernard: Hey-o!
Michael Scott: There you go! Where's the other?
Charles Minor: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael Scott: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.
Kevin Malone: Hey!
Charles Minor: How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?
Michael Scott: Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. (claps)
Charles Minor: Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels.
Michael Scott: Oh! Well...
Charles Minor: That's great.
Michael Scott: Above and beyond.
Charles Minor: Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy.
Michael Scott: That's true.
Charles Minor: But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this.
Stanley Hudson: (clears throat, raises his hand) Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs?
Michael Scott: No. Absolutely not.
Charles Minor: Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.
Oscar Martinez: Do you have specifics?
Charles Minor: Sp-Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week.
Michael Scott: Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people.
Charles Minor: You didn't tell them.
Michael Scott: Well, why don't-
Charles Minor: Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-
Michael Scott: Charles is going to tell you.
Charles Minor: Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office.
Stanley Hudson: Fantastic.
Michael Scott: Well, it's not official.
Charles Minor: It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.
Michael Scott: Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance.
Charles Minor: No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties.
Michael Scott: Well-
Dwight Schrute: What about your party?
Michael Scott: Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. (starts round of applause) He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work.
Charles Minor: Michael, I'm going to stay for the day.
Michael Scott: Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet.
Charles Minor: No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, ok?
Michael Scott: I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled.
Michael Scott: (on speakerphone) David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
David Wallace: What gave you that idea?
Michael Scott: It was my understanding.
David Wallace: I see.
Michael Scott: Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.
David Wallace: Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team.
Michael Scott: But the branch is still mine?
David Wallace: You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.
Dwight Schrute: Ask him about the party.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?
David Wallace: I'll give it my best shot, Michael.
Dwight Schrute: No the other thing.
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? (several seconds of silence)
Dwight Schrute: He hung up?
David Wallace: No.
Michael Scott: I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.
Charles Minor: No.
Michael Scott: Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?
Charles Minor: Saticoy Steel.
Michael Scott: Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.
Charles Minor: No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.
Michael Scott: You're not from paper?
Charles Minor: No.
Michael Scott: Does David know this?
Charles Minor: Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager.
Michael Scott: Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-
Charles Minor: And what is that?
Michael Scott: And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?
Charles Minor: That's not how I plan on doing things.
Michael Scott: Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back.
Charles Minor: I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way.
Michael Scott: Whatever David wants.
Charles Minor: Ok.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. (calls back on speakerphone)
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Dwight Schrute: Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?
Stephanie: Good. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: How's it hanging?
Stephanie: Alright. . .
Dwight Schrute: Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in 5 seconds-
Michael Scott: No! You idiot! (hangs up) Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. (redials)
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Michael Scott: Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine.
Stephanie: Michael...
Michael Scott: And I really really need to talk to David.
Stephanie: Please hold.
Charles Minor: (on cell phone) Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this?
Michael Scott: I was never given a name. (hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief)
Jim Halpert: (Yawns at desk, looks up to see Charles watching him from conference room, looks up again to see Charles peering through blinds)
Dwight Schrute: (Smiles)
Pam Beesly: (to delivery men) Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-
Charles Minor: Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today.
Angela Martin: That is so unnecessary!
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
Charles Minor: It's no big deal.
Michael Scott: I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
Charles Minor: You still have that option. (Michael sighs)
Angela Martin: Thanks again, Charles.
Kelly Kapoor: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Nobody thanked me.
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Charles.
Michael Scott: For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical.
Charles Minor: I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!
Kelly Kapoor: Should I seduce him?
Angela Martin: No. No one wants to see that. (both smile at David)
Kevin Malone: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yep.
Kevin Malone: I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
Michael Scott: Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may.
Charles Minor: Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours.
Kevin Malone: Ok.
Charles Minor: Ok.
Michael Scott: Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved.
Charles Minor: That's not the way it's gonna work.
Michael Scott: Yes it is!
Charles Minor: No, it is not.
Michael Scott: No, it is not.
Charles Minor: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael Scott: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles Minor: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Michael Scott: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Charles Minor: No, seriously.
Michael Scott: No, seriously.
Charles Minor: How old are you?
Michael Scott: How old are you?
Pam Beesly: Oh no.
Pam Beesly: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
Charles Minor: Five years old?
Michael Scott: Five years old?
Andy Bernard: Duuudes, stop.
Employees: (as Michael continues imitating Charles) Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble.
Charles Minor: I will walk away.
Michael Scott: I'm gonna walk away.
Andy Bernard: Stop doing that!
Michael Scott: I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room.
Pam Beesly: And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.
Michael Scott: What is that smaller stripper holding?
Pam Beesly: Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Charles Minor: What exactly is the PPC?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties.
Charles Minor: Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here?
Michael Scott: Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles.
Charles Minor: This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.
Michael Scott: Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please.
Charles Minor: Whatcha got, Jim?... What is a two-way petting zoo?
Jim Halpert: You pet the animals and they pet you back.
Michael Scott: It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
Pam Beesly: It's really just a regular shaped cake.
Michael Scott: But it's cool, and it's-
Charles Minor: This isn't a good use of company time, Michael.
Michael Scott: Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . .
Charles Minor: Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks.
Michael Scott: Yeah, why don't you do that?
Charles Minor: (Dwight, Jim and Pam leave) Thank you very much.
Michael Scott: Yeah, here we go. Ok.
Charles Minor: Ok, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee.
Michael Scott: What?
Charles Minor: Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a work place. It isn't designed for your vanity.
Michael Scott: Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
Charles Minor: I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over.
Michael Scott: Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. (gets jacket) I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. (pushes chair as he leaves)
Charles Minor: (Jim knocks on door) Come in.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Charles Minor: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard-worker. And a great number two for the office.
Charles Minor: Number two?
Jim Halpert: Second-in-command to Michael.
Charles Minor: Oh, I didn't know that position existed.
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's because at first it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me.
Charles Minor: So you're the assistant to the regional manager?
Jim Halpert: Assistant regional manager, yeah.
Charles Minor: Any responsibilities come with it?
Jim Halpert: No, not exactly.
Charles Minor: So you keep this made up position? It's important to you?
Jim Halpert: Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that.
Charles Minor: Yeah, would you, uh?
Jim Halpert: Yep. (shuts door behind him)
Michael Scott: Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? (looks into empty office)
David Wallace: (coming out from bathroom) Michael.
Michael Scott: (points to bathroom door) So is this the meeting you've been in all day?
David Wallace: How did you get here, Michael?
Michael Scott: I drove.
David Wallace: Ok.
Michael Scott: Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned.
David Wallace: Michael. Listen-
Michael Scott: Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?
David Wallace: Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically. . .
Michael Scott: Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.
David Wallace: That's not exactly-
Michael Scott: Clearly that's what you wanted.
David Wallace: No.
Michael Scott: Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.
David Wallace: Yes.
Michael Scott: I've put having a family on hold.
David Wallace: We didn't ask you to do that.
Michael Scott: And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
Charles Minor: Ok. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Andy Bernard: Cool.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent.
Angela Martin: It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.
Jim Halpert: See ya. See ya. (Charles leaves) Bye!
Jim Halpert: And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.
Kelly Kapoor: I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys.
Phyllis Vance: It's just me here.
Kelly Kapoor: I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
Phyllis Vance: I think he left.
Kelly Kapoor: What?! Move! (pushes cameraman out of the way)
Angela Martin: (Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain) Hello, Charles? Charles!
Kelly Kapoor: Hey! Is that his scarf?
Angela Martin: No! (Kelly chases Angela through parking lot)
Angela Martin: (out of breath and wet) Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, ok?
Michael Scott: I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that.
David Wallace: Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-
Michael Scott: Ok.
David Wallace: We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that?
Michael Scott: (gets up to shake David's hand) I quit.
David Wallace: What?
Michael Scott: You have no idea how high I can fly.

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