Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

New Boss

Vol. 5 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

Michael Scott finally meets his match when the no-nonsense Charles Miner arrives to shake up Dunder Mifflin. Between Jim's poorly timed tuxedo prank and the battle over a 15th-anniversary party, things get tense fast. Every line from the episode is laid out here, including that shocking final scene with David Wallace.

Scene 01

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause.
Michael Scott
I like it.
Dwight Schrute
Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Jim Halpert
(wearing a tuxedo) I don't know. Is it classy enough?
Dwight Schrute
Jim! Enough with the classy, ok?
Jim Halpert
I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember.
Michael Scott
I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here.
Jim Halpert
And of course, classy.
Michael Scott
And classy, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.

Scene 03

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. (Jim grimaces)
Michael Scott
(watches Jim grimace, copies him) You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim Halpert
That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael Scott
He is.
Dwight Schrute
He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael Scott
That's what makes him classy.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.
Jim Halpert
Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.
Jim Halpert
Ok, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael Scott
Strawberries?
Jim Halpert
That's inspired.
Dwight Schrute
I said that! (storms out, slams door behind him)
Pam Beesly
Not classy.
Michael Scott
Not classy at all.
Jim Halpert
De class�.
Michael Scott
French. Classy.

Scene 04

16 lines
Pam Beesly
Hi, can I help you?
Charles Minor
Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly
Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat.
Michael Scott
(on speakerphone) Yes?
Pam Beesly
Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you.
Michael Scott
Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, are you coming out now?
Michael Scott
Uh-huh. (comes out of office) Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. (shakes Charles' hand) At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. (leads round of applause) Here he is.
Charles Minor
I-I was-
Michael Scott
Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . (whispers) Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today.
Michael Scott
What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
Jim Halpert
Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-
Michael Scott
You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish.

Scene 05

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities.
Michael Scott
Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! (swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe) Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!
Dwight Schrute
We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is...

Scene 06

4 lines
Michael Scott
Surprise! (unveils bagels sitting on table) As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles.
Charles Minor
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Took me all night.
Pam Beesly
This is what you did last night?

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. (in British cockney accent) It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental.

Scene 08

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
My god, he's like a black George Clooney.
Angela Martin
Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's ok, he's not unattractive, it's. . .

Scene 09

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know.
Charles Minor
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Jim Halpert
I didn't think you'd notice. (laughs nervously) Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So I just had to mess with him.
Charles Minor
Uh.
Jim Halpert
Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh.
Charles Minor
Your name is Jim?
Jim Halpert
Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... (being pulled away by Pam)

Scene 10

3 lines
Pam Beesly
He just had to wear his tux today.
Jim Halpert
I thought it'd be funny.
Pam Beesly
Took him 40 minutes to get ready.

Scene 11

43 lines
Michael Scott
All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles Minor
Hey, I come from accounting, too.
Michael Scott
Oh, nerd alert!
Kevin Malone
Ni-
Michael Scott
This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that.
Charles Minor
Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you.
Michael Scott
This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange (points to Andy)
Andy Bernard
Hey-o!
Michael Scott
There you go! Where's the other?
Charles Minor
You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael Scott
Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.
Kevin Malone
Hey!
Charles Minor
How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?
Michael Scott
Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. (claps)
Charles Minor
Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels.
Michael Scott
Oh! Well...
Charles Minor
That's great.
Michael Scott
Above and beyond.
Charles Minor
Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy.
Michael Scott
That's true.
Charles Minor
But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this.
Stanley Hudson
(clears throat, raises his hand) Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs?
Michael Scott
No. Absolutely not.
Charles Minor
Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.
Oscar Martinez
Do you have specifics?
Charles Minor
Sp-Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week.
Michael Scott
Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people.
Charles Minor
You didn't tell them.
Michael Scott
Well, why don't-
Charles Minor
Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-
Michael Scott
Charles is going to tell you.
Charles Minor
Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office.
Stanley Hudson
Fantastic.
Michael Scott
Well, it's not official.
Charles Minor
It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.
Michael Scott
Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance.
Charles Minor
No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties.
Michael Scott
Well-
Dwight Schrute
What about your party?
Michael Scott
Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. (starts round of applause) He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work.
Charles Minor
Michael, I'm going to stay for the day.
Michael Scott
Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet.
Charles Minor
No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, ok?

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled.

Scene 13

15 lines
Michael Scott
(on speakerphone) David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
David Wallace
What gave you that idea?
Michael Scott
It was my understanding.
David Wallace
I see.
Michael Scott
Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.
David Wallace
Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team.
Michael Scott
But the branch is still mine?
David Wallace
You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.
Dwight Schrute
Ask him about the party.
Michael Scott
Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?
David Wallace
I'll give it my best shot, Michael.
Dwight Schrute
No the other thing.
Michael Scott
Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? (several seconds of silence)
Dwight Schrute
He hung up?
David Wallace
No.

Scene 14

18 lines
Michael Scott
I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.
Charles Minor
No.
Michael Scott
Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?
Charles Minor
Saticoy Steel.
Michael Scott
Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.
Charles Minor
No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.
Michael Scott
You're not from paper?
Charles Minor
No.
Michael Scott
Does David know this?
Charles Minor
Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager.
Michael Scott
Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-
Charles Minor
And what is that?
Michael Scott
And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?
Charles Minor
That's not how I plan on doing things.
Michael Scott
Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back.
Charles Minor
I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way.
Michael Scott
Whatever David wants.
Charles Minor
Ok.

Scene 15

16 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. (calls back on speakerphone)
Stephanie
David Wallace's office.
Dwight Schrute
Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?
Stephanie
Good. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
How's it hanging?
Stephanie
Alright. . .
Dwight Schrute
Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in 5 seconds-
Michael Scott
No! You idiot! (hangs up) Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. (redials)
Stephanie
David Wallace's office.
Michael Scott
Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine.
Stephanie
Michael...
Michael Scott
And I really really need to talk to David.
Stephanie
Please hold.
Charles Minor
(on cell phone) Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this?
Michael Scott
I was never given a name. (hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief)

Scene 16

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Yawns at desk, looks up to see Charles watching him from conference room, looks up again to see Charles peering through blinds)
Dwight Schrute
(Smiles)

Scene 17

13 lines
Pam Beesly
(to delivery men) Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-
Charles Minor
Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today.
Angela Martin
That is so unnecessary!
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
Charles Minor
It's no big deal.
Michael Scott
I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
Charles Minor
You still have that option. (Michael sighs)
Angela Martin
Thanks again, Charles.
Kelly Kapoor
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Nobody thanked me.
Jim Halpert
Thanks, Charles.
Michael Scott
For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical.
Charles Minor
I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
(on phone) Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!

Scene 19

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Should I seduce him?
Angela Martin
No. No one wants to see that. (both smile at David)

Scene 20

21 lines
Kevin Malone
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yep.
Kevin Malone
I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
Michael Scott
Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may.
Charles Minor
Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours.
Kevin Malone
Ok.
Charles Minor
Ok.
Michael Scott
Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved.
Charles Minor
That's not the way it's gonna work.
Michael Scott
Yes it is!
Charles Minor
No, it is not.
Michael Scott
No, it is not.
Charles Minor
Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael Scott
Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles Minor
Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Michael Scott
Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Charles Minor
No, seriously.
Michael Scott
No, seriously.
Charles Minor
How old are you?
Michael Scott
How old are you?
Pam Beesly
Oh no.

Scene 21

1 line
Pam Beesly
I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Scene 22

8 lines
Charles Minor
Five years old?
Michael Scott
Five years old?
Andy Bernard
Duuudes, stop.
Employees
(as Michael continues imitating Charles) Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble.
Charles Minor
I will walk away.
Michael Scott
I'm gonna walk away.
Andy Bernard
Stop doing that!
Michael Scott
I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room.

Scene 23

4 lines
Pam Beesly
And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.
Michael Scott
What is that smaller stripper holding?
Pam Beesly
Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
Michael Scott
Ok.

Scene 24

2 lines
Charles Minor
What exactly is the PPC?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties.

Scene 25

22 lines
Charles Minor
Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here?
Michael Scott
Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles.
Charles Minor
This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.
Michael Scott
Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
Jim Halpert
No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please.
Charles Minor
Whatcha got, Jim?... What is a two-way petting zoo?
Jim Halpert
You pet the animals and they pet you back.
Michael Scott
It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
Pam Beesly
It's really just a regular shaped cake.
Michael Scott
But it's cool, and it's-
Charles Minor
This isn't a good use of company time, Michael.
Michael Scott
Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . .
Charles Minor
Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks.
Michael Scott
Yeah, why don't you do that?
Charles Minor
(Dwight, Jim and Pam leave) Thank you very much.
Michael Scott
Yeah, here we go. Ok.
Charles Minor
Ok, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee.
Michael Scott
What?
Charles Minor
Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a work place. It isn't designed for your vanity.
Michael Scott
Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
Charles Minor
I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over.
Michael Scott
Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. (gets jacket) I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. (pushes chair as he leaves)

Scene 26

16 lines
Charles Minor
(Jim knocks on door) Come in.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Charles Minor
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard-worker. And a great number two for the office.
Charles Minor
Number two?
Jim Halpert
Second-in-command to Michael.
Charles Minor
Oh, I didn't know that position existed.
Jim Halpert
Oh, that's because at first it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me.
Charles Minor
So you're the assistant to the regional manager?
Jim Halpert
Assistant regional manager, yeah.
Charles Minor
Any responsibilities come with it?
Jim Halpert
No, not exactly.
Charles Minor
So you keep this made up position? It's important to you?
Jim Halpert
Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that.
Charles Minor
Yeah, would you, uh?
Jim Halpert
Yep. (shuts door behind him)

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? (looks into empty office)

Scene 28

5 lines
David Wallace
(coming out from bathroom) Michael.
Michael Scott
(points to bathroom door) So is this the meeting you've been in all day?
David Wallace
How did you get here, Michael?
Michael Scott
I drove.
David Wallace
Ok.

Scene 29

13 lines
Michael Scott
Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned.
David Wallace
Michael. Listen-
Michael Scott
Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?
David Wallace
Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically. . .
Michael Scott
Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.
David Wallace
That's not exactly-
Michael Scott
Clearly that's what you wanted.
David Wallace
No.
Michael Scott
Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.
David Wallace
Yes.
Michael Scott
I've put having a family on hold.
David Wallace
We didn't ask you to do that.
Michael Scott
And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.

Scene 30

5 lines
Charles Minor
Ok. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Andy Bernard
Cool.
Dwight Schrute
Excellent.
Angela Martin
It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.
Jim Halpert
See ya. See ya. (Charles leaves) Bye!

Scene 31

1 line
Jim Halpert
And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.

Scene 32

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys.
Phyllis Vance
It's just me here.
Kelly Kapoor
I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
Phyllis Vance
I think he left.
Kelly Kapoor
What?! Move! (pushes cameraman out of the way)

Scene 33

3 lines
Angela Martin
(Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain) Hello, Charles? Charles!
Kelly Kapoor
Hey! Is that his scarf?
Angela Martin
No! (Kelly chases Angela through parking lot)

Scene 34

1 line
Angela Martin
(out of breath and wet) Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, ok?

Scene 35

7 lines
Michael Scott
I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that.
David Wallace
Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-
Michael Scott
Ok.
David Wallace
We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that?
Michael Scott
(gets up to shake David's hand) I quit.
David Wallace
What?
Michael Scott
You have no idea how high I can fly.