Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Two Weeks

Vol. 5 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Michael's final days at Dunder Mifflin are spent drinking Scotch with Splenda and unsuccessfully trying to poach his former coworkers. Every line from the episode is laid out here so you can track the exact moment the Michael Scott Paper Company was born. It captures all the chaos of Charles Miner's arrival and Pam's impulsive decision to jump ship.

Scene 01

6 lines
Michael Scott
I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.
Kelly Kapoor
Michael get to the good part.
Michael Scott
Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.
Oscar Martinez
At least he is in the building.
Michael Scott
No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
Everyone
(groans)

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.

Scene 03

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?
Michael Scott
I looked at Wallace and I said "I quit!" and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said "You have no idea how high I can fly."
Stanley Hudson
Did you tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael Scott
Why would I do that?
Angela Martin
Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?
Kevin Malone
That he's wasted 15 years of your life?
Meredith Palmer
Did you spit in his face?
Michael Scott
You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.

Scene 04

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. (laughs) But I dream... so...

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
(Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs) About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.

Scene 06

2 lines
Kevin Malone
Michael is that scotch?
Michael Scott
Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. (in Oscar's ear) Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
(slightly drunk) What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.

Scene 08

12 lines
Stanley Hudson
Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?
Michael Scott
I have a job.
Andy Bernard
For four more days.
Pam Beesly
Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael Scott
Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted.
Jim Halpert
You called any headhunters?
Michael Scott
Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Dwight Schrute
Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife,
Jim Halpert
Right, cause that's what we are talking about.
Charles Minor
Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data.
Michael Scott
You're 'I need you to' is my command.
Charles Minor
Okay.

Scene 09

13 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey Michael...
Michael Scott
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Can I talk to you a minute?
Michael Scott
You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. (eats some spaghetti) Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Andy Bernard
I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? (takes a present out from behind his back) What's that?
Michael Scott
Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Andy Bernard
Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell...
Michael Scott
Oh.
Andy Bernard
I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Michael Scott
Me too, me too. Is this wine?
Andy Bernard
Ah... busted. Yes
Michael Scott
I already have wine.
Andy Bernard
Oh.

Scene 10

10 lines
Isaac
(interviewee enters office) Hello.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Isaac
Isaac Silby here for the interview
Pam Beesly
Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.
Isaac
Thank you. (to Michael) You interviewing too?
Michael Scott
Hmm?
Isaac
Interviewing?
Michael Scott
For?
Isaac
Regional manager.
Michael Scott
Yes I am.

Scene 11

1 line
Charles Minor
For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.

Scene 12

5 lines
Michael Scott
Where you from?
Isaac
Philly.
Michael Scott
That's a drive!
Isaac
Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there.
Michael Scott
(sighs)

Scene 13

10 lines
Kevin Malone
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Hmm?
Kevin Malone
When will the new copier be ready?
Pam Beesly
I'm working on it Kev.
Kevin Malone
You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam Beesly
It'll be ready soon.
Kevin Malone
Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.
Pam Beesly
Is that what 'soon' means to you?
Kevin Malone
Sometimes.
Pam Beesly
Then come back soon.

Scene 14

1 line
Pam Beesly
During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'

Scene 15

2 lines
Creed Bratton
(feeding coins into a vent) I think it's 75 cents.
Oscar Martinez
That's a lot.

Scene 16

1 line
Angela Martin
(Bandit is chewing on wires) Bandit, No! No no no!

Scene 17

1 line
Kevin Malone
(dumps coffee all over the copier glass) Oh!

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. (holds up a huge manual)

Scene 19

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(overhears loud monster noises) Its Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael Scott
Thank you. (groaning ceases)

Scene 20

3 lines
Michael Scott
You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. (dials phone)
Phone
Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. (girl's voice) Bye!
Michael Scott
(sighs) What am I gong to do? Uh... (chuckles).

Scene 21

2 lines
Michael Scott
PSST! PSST!
Jim Halpert
Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.

Scene 22

30 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes.
Jim Halpert
I would prefer not to.
Michael Scott
Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.
Jim Halpert
You're starting your own paper company?
Michael Scott
yeah!
Jim Halpert
Why?
Michael Scott
Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim Halpert
Do you know the industry is in decline?
Michael Scott
Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Michael Scott
Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.
Jim Halpert
No, I did that before, it added nothing.
Michael Scott
Close them.
Jim Halpert
Okay. (keeps eyes open)
Michael Scott
Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
Jim Halpert
I am not gonna do this.
Michael Scott
Obviously.
Jim Halpert
And you are not going to, either.
Michael Scott
Oh, agreed, mmm, except...
Jim Halpert
Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing.
Michael Scott
Hey hey... what's up Chuck?
Charles Minor
Jim.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Charles Minor
what are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Nothing, just talking.
Charles Minor
Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?
Jim Halpert
I didn't... no.
Charles Minor
Okay. After you.
Michael Scott
No I'm staying.
Charles Minor
Okay.

Scene 23

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(examining the copier manual) Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam Beesly
No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight Schrute
Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Pam Beesly
That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight Schrute
Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam Beesly
Hmm...

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.

Scene 25

12 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying "Dunder Mifflin" at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam Beesly
Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
Michael Scott
You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
Pam Beesly
Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
Michael Scott
This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
Pam Beesly
Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.
Michael Scott
Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?
Pam Beesly
Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image.
Michael Scott
Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Good.
Michael Scott
Thank you very much.
Pam Beesly
Mmm-hmm

Scene 26

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians..
Charles Minor
You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah I don't like talking... (knock on door)
Charles Minor
Come in...
Angela Martin
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier.
Kelly Kapoor
Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just...
Angela Martin
Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim.
Charles Minor
Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
Angela & Kelly
Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!"

Scene 27

1 line
Charles Minor
I am aware of the effect I have on woman.

Scene 28

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So you should be heading back to your desk.
Angela Martin
Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye.
Kelly Kapoor
She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year.

Scene 29

17 lines
Michael Scott
I'm starting my own paper company.
Andy Bernard
No way!?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
In this climate?
Michael Scott
Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.
Andy Bernard
Ehh... (in accent) well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..(makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters) Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?
Dwight Schrute
Your own paper company.
Michael Scott
Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
Dwight Schrute
Right...
Michael Scott
Potential, lots of potential. yes.
Dwight Schrute
What a courageous venture.
Michael Scott
It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
Dwight Schrute
Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...
Michael Scott
That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. So yeah.
Michael Scott
So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
Dwight Schrute
You know, I would love to put a pin in that.

Scene 30

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? (drum roll on copier)
Meredith Palmer
Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Pam Beesly
Meredith... (copier has an error) Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!

Scene 31

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.

Scene 32

1 line
Oscar Martinez
(bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it)

Scene 33

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
You put a note in my food?
Michael Scott
I made it sterile.
Oscar Martinez
Just to say "sterile" doesn't make it so.
Michael Scott
I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.
Oscar Martinez
Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?
Michael Scott
No, no no.
Oscar Martinez
You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Oscar Martinez
Five years?
Michael Scott
Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar Martinez
It's just not prudent Michael.

Scene 34

8 lines
Michael Scott
(from inside the restroom) Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael Scott
Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.
Stanley Hudson
No.
Michael Scott
Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.
Stanley Hudson
No.
Michael Scott
Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley Hudson
No I didn't.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either.

Scene 36

3 lines
Pam Beesly
How's it working?
Phyllis Vance
Um, let's see... it's fine.
Pam Beesly
Good.

Scene 37

1 line
Pam Beesly
I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels...

Scene 38

10 lines
Charles Minor
Hey Hank, You ready?
Hank Tate
Yeah.
Charles Minor
Okay, Michael?
Michael Scott
Hmm?
Charles Minor
I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything.
Michael Scott
Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks...
Charles Minor
not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank...
Hank Tate
Okay Michael.
Michael Scott
Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Hank Tate
Come on man, let's, let's go.

Scene 39

1 line
Kevin Malone
I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.

Scene 40

2 lines
Michael Scott
(to everyone) Well here we are... I would just like to...
Charles Minor
No, no no no. You're done, Michael.

Scene 41

5 lines
Michael Scott
(yelling from Parking lot) Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!
Andy Bernard
(from behind the upstairs window) What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.
Kevin Malone
I think he's singing.
Oscar Martinez
I can't believe this is really happening.
Michael Scott
... and I feel free!

Scene 42

1 line
Oscar Martinez
And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. (Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building)

Scene 43

4 lines
Andy Bernard
The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day.
Phyllis Vance
Andy He's gone.
Andy Bernard
I know.
Phyllis Vance
You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.

Scene 44

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?

Scene 45

46 lines
Pam Beesly
(Michael is Army crawling around the office) Michael?
Michael Scott
Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!
Angela Martin
These are for employees only.
Michael Scott
Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.
Kevin Malone
Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?
Michael Scott
I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere.
Kevin Malone
But you didn't want to start with us?
Michael Scott
No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?
Jim Halpert
I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.
Michael Scott
So which way are you leaning?
Jim Halpert
Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.
Michael Scott
Thanks Jim.
Charles Minor
Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Charles Minor
Okay, let me know if you find it.
Michael Scott
Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? (Pam is thinking hard) Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!
Charles Minor
Michael get up!
Michael Scott
Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!
Charles Minor
Michael, what are you doing?
Michael Scott
I think maybe Hank should be here.
Charles Minor
Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael.
Michael Scott
You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. (Charles steps towards Michael) Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.
Pam Beesly
Oh no.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
I'm going with him.
Jim Halpert
What? Pam!
Pam Beesly
I'm going.
Jim Halpert
Pam! You can't be serious.
Pam Beesly
Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael Scott
You are?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay. It's going to be great.
Pam Beesly
Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael Scott
Right... Executive assistant.
Pam Beesly
Salesman.
Michael Scott
Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?
Jim Halpert
Still no.
Michael Scott
Well, okay, lets go.
Pam Beesly
Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so...
Michael Scott
Are people watching?
Pam Beesly
Probably.
Jim Halpert
Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you...
Michael Scott
Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.
Jim Halpert
I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye.
Pam Beesly
Okay, see you later.
Michael Scott
Bye.

Scene 46

5 lines
Charles Minor
So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones.
Kevin Malone
Phones?
Charles Minor
Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
(holding a crossword puzzle) Yes.
Charles Minor
Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? (everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs)