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Season 5 Episode 19
Two Weeks

Every line from The Office episode "Two Weeks", season 5 episode 19.

Michael Scott: I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.
Kelly Kapoor: Michael get to the good part.
Michael Scott: Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.
Oscar Martinez: At least he is in the building.
Michael Scott: No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
Everyone: (groans)
Pam Beesly: He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.
Pam Beesly: Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?
Michael Scott: I looked at Wallace and I said "I quit!" and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said "You have no idea how high I can fly."
Stanley Hudson: Did you tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael Scott: Why would I do that?
Angela Martin: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?
Kevin Malone: That he's wasted 15 years of your life?
Meredith Palmer: Did you spit in his face?
Michael Scott: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
Oscar Martinez: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. (laughs) But I dream... so...
Jim Halpert: (Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs) About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.
Kevin Malone: Michael is that scotch?
Michael Scott: Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. (in Oscar's ear) Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on.
Michael Scott: (slightly drunk) What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.
Stanley Hudson: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?
Michael Scott: I have a job.
Andy Bernard: For four more days.
Pam Beesly: Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael Scott: Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted.
Jim Halpert: You called any headhunters?
Michael Scott: Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Dwight Schrute: Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife,
Jim Halpert: Right, cause that's what we are talking about.
Charles Minor: Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data.
Michael Scott: You're 'I need you to' is my command.
Charles Minor: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Hey Michael...
Michael Scott: Hey.
Andy Bernard: Can I talk to you a minute?
Michael Scott: You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. (eats some spaghetti) Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Andy Bernard: I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? (takes a present out from behind his back) What's that?
Michael Scott: Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Andy Bernard: Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell...
Michael Scott: Oh.
Andy Bernard: I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Michael Scott: Me too, me too. Is this wine?
Andy Bernard: Ah... busted. Yes
Michael Scott: I already have wine.
Andy Bernard: Oh.
Isaac: (interviewee enters office) Hello.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Isaac: Isaac Silby here for the interview
Pam Beesly: Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.
Isaac: Thank you. (to Michael) You interviewing too?
Michael Scott: Hmm?
Isaac: Interviewing?
Michael Scott: For?
Isaac: Regional manager.
Michael Scott: Yes I am.
Charles Minor: For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.
Michael Scott: Where you from?
Isaac: Philly.
Michael Scott: That's a drive!
Isaac: Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there.
Michael Scott: (sighs)
Kevin Malone: Pam?
Pam Beesly: Hmm?
Kevin Malone: When will the new copier be ready?
Pam Beesly: I'm working on it Kev.
Kevin Malone: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam Beesly: It'll be ready soon.
Kevin Malone: Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.
Pam Beesly: Is that what 'soon' means to you?
Kevin Malone: Sometimes.
Pam Beesly: Then come back soon.
Pam Beesly: During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'
Creed Bratton: (feeding coins into a vent) I think it's 75 cents.
Oscar Martinez: That's a lot.
Angela Martin: (Bandit is chewing on wires) Bandit, No! No no no!
Kevin Malone: (dumps coffee all over the copier glass) Oh!
Pam Beesly: Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. (holds up a huge manual)
Jim Halpert: (overhears loud monster noises) Its Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael Scott: Thank you. (groaning ceases)
Michael Scott: You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. (dials phone)
Phone: Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. (girl's voice) Bye!
Michael Scott: (sighs) What am I gong to do? Uh... (chuckles).
Michael Scott: PSST! PSST!
Jim Halpert: Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.
Michael Scott: Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes.
Jim Halpert: I would prefer not to.
Michael Scott: Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.
Jim Halpert: You're starting your own paper company?
Michael Scott: yeah!
Jim Halpert: Why?
Michael Scott: Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim Halpert: Do you know the industry is in decline?
Michael Scott: Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Jim Halpert: Right.
Michael Scott: Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.
Jim Halpert: No, I did that before, it added nothing.
Michael Scott: Close them.
Jim Halpert: Okay. (keeps eyes open)
Michael Scott: Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
Jim Halpert: I am not gonna do this.
Michael Scott: Obviously.
Jim Halpert: And you are not going to, either.
Michael Scott: Oh, agreed, mmm, except...
Jim Halpert: Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing.
Michael Scott: Hey hey... what's up Chuck?
Charles Minor: Jim.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Charles Minor: what are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Nothing, just talking.
Charles Minor: Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?
Jim Halpert: I didn't... no.
Charles Minor: Okay. After you.
Michael Scott: No I'm staying.
Charles Minor: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: (examining the copier manual) Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam Beesly: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight Schrute: Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Pam Beesly: That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight Schrute: Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam Beesly: Hmm...
Dwight Schrute: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.
Michael Scott: Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying "Dunder Mifflin" at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam Beesly: Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
Michael Scott: You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
Pam Beesly: Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
Michael Scott: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
Pam Beesly: Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.
Michael Scott: Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?
Pam Beesly: Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image.
Michael Scott: Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Good.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much.
Pam Beesly: Mmm-hmm
Kelly Kapoor: So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians..
Charles Minor: You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah I don't like talking... (knock on door)
Charles Minor: Come in...
Angela Martin: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier.
Kelly Kapoor: Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just...
Angela Martin: Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim.
Charles Minor: Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
Angela & Kelly: Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!"
Charles Minor: I am aware of the effect I have on woman.
Kelly Kapoor: So you should be heading back to your desk.
Angela Martin: Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye.
Kelly Kapoor: She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year.
Michael Scott: I'm starting my own paper company.
Andy Bernard: No way!?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: In this climate?
Michael Scott: Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.
Andy Bernard: Ehh... (in accent) well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..(makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters) Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?
Dwight Schrute: Your own paper company.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
Dwight Schrute: Right...
Michael Scott: Potential, lots of potential. yes.
Dwight Schrute: What a courageous venture.
Michael Scott: It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
Dwight Schrute: Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...
Michael Scott: That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. So yeah.
Michael Scott: So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
Dwight Schrute: You know, I would love to put a pin in that.
Pam Beesly: Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? (drum roll on copier)
Meredith Palmer: Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Pam Beesly: Meredith... (copier has an error) Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!
Pam Beesly: I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.
Oscar Martinez: (bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it)
Oscar Martinez: You put a note in my food?
Michael Scott: I made it sterile.
Oscar Martinez: Just to say "sterile" doesn't make it so.
Michael Scott: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.
Oscar Martinez: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?
Michael Scott: No, no no.
Oscar Martinez: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Oscar Martinez: Five years?
Michael Scott: Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar Martinez: It's just not prudent Michael.
Michael Scott: (from inside the restroom) Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael Scott: Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.
Stanley Hudson: No.
Michael Scott: Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.
Stanley Hudson: No.
Michael Scott: Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley Hudson: No I didn't.
Michael Scott: You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either.
Pam Beesly: How's it working?
Phyllis Vance: Um, let's see... it's fine.
Pam Beesly: Good.
Pam Beesly: I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels...
Charles Minor: Hey Hank, You ready?
Hank Tate: Yeah.
Charles Minor: Okay, Michael?
Michael Scott: Hmm?
Charles Minor: I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks...
Charles Minor: not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank...
Hank Tate: Okay Michael.
Michael Scott: Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Hank Tate: Come on man, let's, let's go.
Kevin Malone: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.
Michael Scott: (to everyone) Well here we are... I would just like to...
Charles Minor: No, no no no. You're done, Michael.
Michael Scott: (yelling from Parking lot) Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!
Andy Bernard: (from behind the upstairs window) What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.
Kevin Malone: I think he's singing.
Oscar Martinez: I can't believe this is really happening.
Michael Scott: ... and I feel free!
Oscar Martinez: And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. (Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building)
Andy Bernard: The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day.
Phyllis Vance: Andy He's gone.
Andy Bernard: I know.
Phyllis Vance: You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.
Toby Flenderson: Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?
Pam Beesly: (Michael is Army crawling around the office) Michael?
Michael Scott: Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!
Angela Martin: These are for employees only.
Michael Scott: Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.
Kevin Malone: Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?
Michael Scott: I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere.
Kevin Malone: But you didn't want to start with us?
Michael Scott: No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?
Jim Halpert: I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.
Michael Scott: So which way are you leaning?
Jim Halpert: Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.
Michael Scott: Thanks Jim.
Charles Minor: Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Charles Minor: Okay, let me know if you find it.
Michael Scott: Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? (Pam is thinking hard) Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!
Charles Minor: Michael get up!
Michael Scott: Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!
Charles Minor: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael Scott: I think maybe Hank should be here.
Charles Minor: Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael.
Michael Scott: You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. (Charles steps towards Michael) Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.
Pam Beesly: Oh no.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: I'm going with him.
Jim Halpert: What? Pam!
Pam Beesly: I'm going.
Jim Halpert: Pam! You can't be serious.
Pam Beesly: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael Scott: You are?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. It's going to be great.
Pam Beesly: Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael Scott: Right... Executive assistant.
Pam Beesly: Salesman.
Michael Scott: Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?
Jim Halpert: Still no.
Michael Scott: Well, okay, lets go.
Pam Beesly: Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so...
Michael Scott: Are people watching?
Pam Beesly: Probably.
Jim Halpert: Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you...
Michael Scott: Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.
Jim Halpert: I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye.
Pam Beesly: Okay, see you later.
Michael Scott: Bye.
Charles Minor: So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones.
Kevin Malone: Phones?
Charles Minor: Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: (holding a crossword puzzle) Yes.
Charles Minor: Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? (everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 5. Two Weeks is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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