Every line from The Office episode "Business Ethics", season 5 episode 2.
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Well, I should go.
Jim Halpert: Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi.
Pam Beesly: No, don't. I'm mad at them.
Jim Halpert: Why, what happened?
Pam Beesly: Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.
Jim Halpert: Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them.
Pam Beesly: What? Why not?
Jim Halpert: I just didn't, you know, want a deal.
Pam Beesly: Come on, it won't be that bad.
Jim Halpert: OK. You know what? Here we go. (stands up) Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam Beesly: (speakerphone) Hi everyone!
Oscar Martinez: I thought you were already engaged.
Angela Martin: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim Halpert: Thank you Angela.
Kevin Malone: I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?
Andy Bernard: A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here?
Jim Halpert: To get married.
Dwight Schrute: (raises hand) She's not a virgin, you know.
Michael Scott: (walking in) What's going on?
Pam Beesly: No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. (Michael waves "hi" at the phone)
Creed Bratton: The tall guy got engaged.
Michael Scott: (to Jim) To be married?
Jim Halpert: Yep. (Michael hugs/tackles Jim)
Michael Scott: Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! (everyone claps)
Holly Flax: Thanks Michael. (Michael groans exhaustingly) Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired.
Kevin Malone: Oh come on! He's right there. (points at Ryan) He was hired. (to Jim) Oh check it out, "Hired Guy."
Jim Halpert: Nice. (they bump fists)
Ryan Howard: Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? (Dwight raises his hand) Anyone know Joanna on that show? (Dwight nods) In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So...
Michael Scott: (clapping) Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy.
Holly Flax: Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree.
Phyllis Vance: I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree.
Holly Flax: Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. (claps)
Holly Flax: Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing.
Holly Flax: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters?
Stanley Hudson: This meeting.
Michael Scott: (to Holly) Can't set 'em up like that.
Kelly Kapoor: Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care.
Meredith Palmer: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.
Holly Flax: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.
Michael Scott: Can we have a moment? (whispering) Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.
Dwight Schrute: What should we be working on while you guys are talking?
Michael Scott: Do some... do some work. (whispering to Holly) People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Holly Flax: Well, I just have to get through the binder.
Michael Scott: Do you... just... you're kind of losing them.
Michael Scott: Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out.
Holly Flax: Ok. (to everyone) Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right.
Michael Scott: (coughs to hide his words) Lauren, (coughs) enough with the pencils.
Holly Flax: No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing.
Oscar Martinez: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Andy Bernard: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!
Oscar Martinez: Exactly, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.
Dwight Schrute: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy Bernard: No that's... not how it works.
Michael Scott: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Holly Flax: Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace.
Michael Scott: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on.
Michael Scott: I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
Holly Flax: What was the dilemma?
Michael Scott: To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Holly Flax: Oh--- no no no.
Michael Scott: Yeah, (interrupting gibberish). Come on, anybody. Let it fly.
Oscar Martinez: Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.
Michael Scott: Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else?
Holly Flax: No--- I, I'd like to hear more about that.
Angela Martin: I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.
Michael Scott: Well, let's keep this party movin' on.
Meredith Palmer: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael Scott: Bruuuuuuuuuce.
Meredith Palmer: Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Michael Scott: Ach! Wuh---
Holly Flax: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith Palmer: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael Scott: That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? (checks watch) You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. (everyone applauds, then leaves) (to Holly) Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate.
Holly Flax: Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith.
Holly Flax: I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line.
Michael Scott: Nnyeah. What ya gonna do?
Holly Flax: So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?
Meredith Palmer: Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that.
Michael Scott: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around.
Meredith Palmer: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael Scott: No... no, this is just a stupid formality.
Holly Flax: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business?
Meredith Palmer: Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael Scott: Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag.
Holly Flax: What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?
Meredith Palmer: Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. (Holly begins to write in her notebook) Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity?
Holly Flax: Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this.
Meredith Palmer: Well... I'm not quitting.
Jim Halpert: (starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done) Yawn. Four seconds.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. (Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch) Really? (in a mocking voice) Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti--- (Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch)
Jim Halpert: Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds.
Dwight Schrute: There is no way that that was--- (Jim starts the watch)
Jim Halpert: (stops the watch) One second.
Michael Scott: Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk.
Holly Flax: It's Mike-raculous.
Michael Scott: Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out.
Michael Scott: Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?
Holly Flax: Oh I already bought this...
Michael Scott: Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. (sweeps her food into the trash can, misses) Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical.
Holly Flax: So, I've gone over corporate policy.
Michael Scott: What do you think? What do you think of this place?
Holly Flax: Oh, it's very nice.
Michael Scott: Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines?
Michael Scott: Wow, that sounds so... warm.
Michael Scott: Here too. You know what my favorite season is?
Holly Flax: Maybe we should talk about Meredith first.
Michael Scott: Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons.
Holly Flax: Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.
Michael Scott: Wow, terminator, terminator.
Holly Flax: I'm from da future.
Jim Halpert: By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Andy Bernard: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. (Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it)
Jim Halpert: I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... (Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch) Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy Bernard: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Jim Halpert: You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake.
Andy Bernard: Really? (Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands) Huh, that's cool.
Jim Halpert: Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy Bernard: Really? That doesn't sound right.
Ryan Howard: Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too.
Michael Scott: What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?
Ryan Howard: Two HR reps.
Michael Scott: You get me.
Michael Scott: I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man.
Kendall: (on speakerphone) Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with..
Holly Flax: Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar.
Michael Scott: Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.
Kendall: Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action.
Holly Flax: Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical.
Kendall: Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that.
Holly Flax: Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it.
Kendall: I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training.
Holly Flax: No, I understand.
Kendall: Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion.
Holly Flax: No. I can do it.
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