Every line from The Office episode "Dream Team", season 5 episode 20.
Jim Halpert: (phone ringing) You gonna answer that, Kev?
Kevin Malone: Oh, right. Thanks. (reading off index card) Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. (cupping the mouthpiece, yelling) Oscar, your mom!
Kevin Malone: Please hold. (cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone) Andy! Phone call.
Jim Halpert: No. (Andy gets up from his desk) Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it.
Jim Halpert: It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again.
Kevin Malone: Okay. Andy, get ready. (muttering) Transfer. Extension. Transfer.
Jim Halpert: Here we go. (Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.)
Andy Bernard: It is 1-3-4, Kev! (Kevin runs to the phone)
Andy Bernard: You are murdering the Nard-dog!
Kevin Malone: (on phone) This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. (Phyllis's phone rings)
Angela Martin: You're bad at this too!
Kevin Malone: (running to the phone) Just... don't answer that call!
Stanley Hudson: Just transfer the damn call.
Kevin Malone: Your call is very important to us. Ple-(Andy's phone rings)
Andy Bernard: Hey-o! (applauding and cheering)
Dwight Schrute: Way to go.
Pam Beesly: Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. (picks up piece of mail) Look, it's official! (door opens, Michael is in a bath robe)
Michael Scott: Oh, good. My hooker's here. (laughs) Hi.
Pam Beesly: Michael, you were expecting me, right?
Michael Scott: Yes I was. Yes I was.
Pam Beesly: Are you wearing anything under the robe?
Michael Scott: That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.
Pam Beesly: This looks great, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
Michael Scott: What shape?
Pam Beesly: ... Square is fine.
Charles Minor: Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. (Kelly raises hand) Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor: Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?
Charles Minor: Eh, uh, in a hotel.
Angela Martin: Charles, where were you born?
Charles Minor: Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. (Andy raises hand) Yeah.
Andy Bernard: How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day.
Charles Minor: Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? (Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away) Thank you. So, umm...
Jim Halpert: (whispering) Would you please stop that?
Jim Halpert: You're breathing very heavily.
Dwight Schrute: This is how I breathe.
Jim Halpert: No it's not.
Dwight Schrute: If you want to tell me -
Charles Minor: Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front.
Jim Halpert: Oh no. I was just -
Charles Minor: No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear "yes".
Charles Minor: Good. As I was saying...
Pam Beesly: So, what do you say we get started?
Michael Scott: After breakfast.
Michael Scott: So how you feeling about the new company?
Pam Beesly: I feel good. (sees a huge pile of French toast) Wow.
Michael Scott: You excited? About the new company?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I'm excited to start the company.
Michael Scott: After breakfast.
Pam Beesly: We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. (reaches out to take the whisk) Michael. Stop for a second.
Michael Scott: No, I'm whipping them.
Pam Beesly: No, I know you are.
Michael Scott: Just let go.
Pam Beesly: Just let me have... Oh.
Michael Scott: Let go, please. Just gimmee -
Pam Beesly: Fine! (eggs splatter all over his robe) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.
Michael Scott: (doing situps) I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Pam Beesly: You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed -
Michael Scott: I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.
Pam Beesly: I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff.
Michael Scott: Whatever calms you down.
Pam Beesly: Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. (Michael doing leg lifts) Eat an enormous breakfast. Check.
Michael Scott: Don't patronize me, Pam.
Pam Beesly: I think you should get dressed.
Michael Scott: I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
Pam Beesly: Michael, that seems impossible.
Michael Scott: It's totally impossible!
Pam Beesly: We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.
Michael Scott: Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Michael Scott: Okay, Ryan.
Pam Beesly: No. What? Why?
Michael Scott: He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package.
Pam Beesly: No. We're not gonna hire Ryan.
Michael Scott: Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.
Michael Scott: He worked at that telemarketing place.
Pam Beesly: We'll find him.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.
Pam Beesly: We have an investor already?
Michael Scott: Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Pam Beesly: Michael, that's fantastic.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. (sits down in robe, legs spread wide) Umm...
Pam Beesly: Hey! We need to get you dressed!
Andy Bernard: (laughing at something on his computer)
Charles Minor: You a soccer fan?
Andy Bernard: Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.
Charles Minor: Well, that makes two of us.
Pam Beesly: Next on the list - open the mail.
Michael Scott: Oh. Wow. "Michael Scott Paper Company." Okay. Very official. "Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence."
Pam Beesly: No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add "find office"...
Michael Scott: How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Pam Beesly: Next on the list -- song parodies.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay. "Achey Breaky Fart."
Pam Beesly: Great. Let's sing it in the car.
Michael Scott: No! No No. No. "My Stumps." Like "My Humps" but a guy with no legs.
Michael Scott: We can do this.
Pam Beesly: We can do this.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! And he just goes, "Boom". (kicking motion) Goal!
Charles Minor: Yep. Yep. That's Pele.
Andy Bernard: You know your soccer, man.
Charles Minor: I know. Yes I do.
Stanley Hudson: I prefer (looks down at palms) Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona.
Stanley Hudson: From Argentina.
Charles Minor: I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office.
Andy Bernard: I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but...
Charles Minor: What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?
Jim Halpert: Uh, no. Nope. Not really.
Charles Minor: Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. (Andy laughs)
Jim Halpert: It's 'cause I'm more of a player.
Dwight Schrute: Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it.
Dwight Schrute: You can be so modest sometimes.
Jim Halpert: Well, maybe you should get back to work.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.
Jim Halpert: Maybe we will someday.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?
Charles Minor: That's a great idea, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.
Dwight Schrute: I don't try and be anything that I'm not.
Charles Minor: What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer?
Dwight Schrute: Jim, what do you say?
Angela Martin: Sounds fun.
Andy Bernard: I'm in it to win.
Charles Minor: Okay. See you on the field, there, bro.
Jim Halpert: Let's... eh... see ya.
Charles Minor: See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait!
Vikram: Where are we going?
Pam Beesly: We have a meeting with an investor today.
Michael Scott: Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. (gets out of the car) Ah, okay.
Vikram: He seems really confident.
Vikram: Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool.
Pam Beesly: Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram.
Michael Scott: Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. (Ryan is working at the bowling alley) It's Michael.
Ryan Howard: I'm swamped, Michael. (over the PA) Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27.
Michael Scott: Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files.
Michael Scott: Well, it has always been a lifelong dream.
Pam Beesly: Michael! What's going on?
Michael Scott: Excuse me. Yes?
Pam Beesly: This wasn't on the list.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is.
Pam Beesly: (looks at list) When did you add this to the list?
Michael Scott: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. (walks back to Ryan) Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan Howard: Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam Beesly: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan Howard: What do you make, secretary?
Supervisor: Back to work, shoe bitch!
Ryan Howard: I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so...
Michael Scott: Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Ryan Howard: What size shoes are you guys?
Ryan Howard: What are those, a men's ten?
Michael Scott: (Ryan grabs some shoes) Look what he's doing.
Pam Beesly: What is he doing?
Michael Scott: He's stealing them. Okay, okay.
Michael Scott: He's already paying for himself.
Ryan Howard: Where is it?
Michael Scott: Right here.
Vikram: Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know.
Charles Minor: Miner - (kicking a piece of trash)
Jim Halpert: Oh, there he goes.
Charles Minor: ...sees his partner -
Charles Minor: Halpert. He looks up!
Charles Minor: Defending duo! He sets him up! (Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands) He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!
Charles Minor: Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you.
Jim Halpert: Aw, it's gonna be the (softly) worst.
Michael Scott: Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! (snaps in front of sleeping old man) I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper.
Michael Scott: Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit.
Nana: How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?
Michael Scott: By wanting it more. By working hard-
Nana: What's your mission statement?
Michael Scott: Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.
Charles Minor: C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play?
Charles Minor: Jim. What do you play?
Charles Minor: Forward or half?
Jim Halpert: Forward, definitely.
Charles Minor: Okay, striker, huh?
Charles Minor: Let's see what you got in those legs!
Jim Halpert: Alright! Let's do it.
Charles Minor: Alright. (Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face) No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff.
Jim Halpert: Kickoff. (to camera) My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. (to team) Alright! (clapping)
Michael Scott: And I offer same day, free delivery.
Nana: Michael, I don't know about this.
Michael Scott: Nana. (softly) I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Michael Scott: Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other...
Nana: See, this is what concerns me.
Old Woman: We could just give him a chance. It's not much money.
Michael Scott: Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for.
Nana: This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club!
Nana: I love you, Michael. I do.
Nana: But no. I mean it. No.
Vikram: I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?
Pam Beesly: It means grandmother.
Vikram: Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?
Andy Bernard: Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. (Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose)
Charles Minor: Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the?
Oscar Martinez: Phyllis, Phyllis.
Charles Minor: Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay?
Phyllis Vance: (muffled) No, I swallowed a crown.
Charles Minor: Why'd you duck, Jim?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice.
Charles Minor: Does that make you feel better? Huh?
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, Phyllis.
Charles Minor: Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry.
Ryan Howard: Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. (to Pam) Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that.
Pam Beesly: I can't do this.
Michael Scott: What's that?
Pam Beesly: I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
Pam Beesly: I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?
Michael Scott: Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many.
Pam Beesly: We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything.
Michael Scott: Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. (Pam tosses list out car window) Okay...
Pam Beesly: How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you!
Michael Scott: I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.
Michael Scott: So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? (Pam nods)
Michael Scott: (walks into room) Okay.
Pam Beesly: I could work here. I could see this.
Michael Scott: It's right in the middle of the paper belt.
Pam Beesly: Are you good?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm good. You good?
Michael Scott: You know what they say, keep your friends close. (pointing to office sign where "Dunder Mifflin" is listed right above "Michael Scott Pap")
Charles Minor: Michael, you're back.
Michael Scott: Yes, I am, Charles.
Michael Scott: Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. (Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away) Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 5. Dream Team is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.