Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dream Team

Vol. 5 · Issue 20Scranton, PA

Michael is officially launching the Michael Scott Paper Company and he’s putting together a "dream-team" that includes Pam, Ryan, and a very talented telemarketer named Vikram. You’ll find the full script and every quote from the episode right here, covering everything from the condo office to that painful parking lot soccer game. It’s the perfect place to see how Michael manages to get a six-pack of whoop-ass ready for Dunder Mifflin.

Scene 01

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(phone ringing) You gonna answer that, Kev?
Kevin Malone
Oh, right. Thanks. (reading off index card) Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. (cupping the mouthpiece, yelling) Oscar, your mom!

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? (pause) I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Scene 03

19 lines
Kevin Malone
Please hold. (cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone) Andy! Phone call.
Jim Halpert
No. (Andy gets up from his desk) Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it.
Jim Halpert
It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again.
Kevin Malone
Okay. Andy, get ready. (muttering) Transfer. Extension. Transfer.
Jim Halpert
Here we go. (Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.)
Kevin Malone
Oh, man!
Andy Bernard
It is 1-3-4, Kev! (Kevin runs to the phone)
Jim Halpert
Kev, c'mon.
Dwight Schrute
Hustle!
Kevin Malone
Hold it.
Andy Bernard
You are murdering the Nard-dog!
Kevin Malone
(on phone) This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. (Phyllis's phone rings)
Angela Martin
You're bad at this too!
Kevin Malone
(running to the phone) Just... don't answer that call!
Stanley Hudson
Just transfer the damn call.
Kevin Malone
Your call is very important to us. Ple-(Andy's phone rings)
Andy Bernard
Hey-o! (applauding and cheering)
Dwight Schrute
Way to go.

Scene 04

1 line
Andy Bernard
My maid died.

Scene 05

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. (picks up piece of mail) Look, it's official! (door opens, Michael is in a bath robe)
Michael Scott
Oh, good. My hooker's here. (laughs) Hi.
Pam Beesly
Michael, you were expecting me, right?
Michael Scott
Yes I was. Yes I was.
Pam Beesly
Are you wearing anything under the robe?
Michael Scott
That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.

Scene 06

6 lines
Pam Beesly
This looks great, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
Pam Beesly
Yes, please.
Michael Scott
What shape?
Pam Beesly
... Square is fine.
Michael Scott
Alright.

Scene 07

18 lines
Charles Minor
Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. (Kelly raises hand) Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor
Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?
Charles Minor
Eh, uh, in a hotel.
Angela Martin
Charles, where were you born?
Charles Minor
Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. (Andy raises hand) Yeah.
Andy Bernard
How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day.
Charles Minor
Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? (Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away) Thank you. So, umm...
Jim Halpert
(whispering) Would you please stop that?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
You're breathing very heavily.
Dwight Schrute
This is how I breathe.
Jim Halpert
No it's not.
Dwight Schrute
If you want to tell me -
Charles Minor
Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front.
Jim Halpert
Oh no. I was just -
Charles Minor
No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear "yes".
Jim Halpert
... Yes.
Charles Minor
Good. As I was saying...

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh! (smiles)

Scene 09

16 lines
Pam Beesly
So, what do you say we get started?
Michael Scott
After breakfast.
Pam Beesly
I'm full.
Michael Scott
So how you feeling about the new company?
Pam Beesly
I feel good. (sees a huge pile of French toast) Wow.
Michael Scott
You excited? About the new company?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I'm excited to start the company.
Michael Scott
After breakfast.
Pam Beesly
We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. (reaches out to take the whisk) Michael. Stop for a second.
Michael Scott
No, I'm whipping them.
Pam Beesly
No, I know you are.
Michael Scott
Just let go.
Pam Beesly
Just let me have... Oh.
Michael Scott
Let go, please. Just gimmee -
Pam Beesly
Fine! (eggs splatter all over his robe) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.

Scene 10

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
I never see him drink. I never see him eat.
Stanley Hudson
I don't think he even uses the bathroom.
Creed Bratton
Oh, he does. He does.

Scene 11

30 lines
Michael Scott
(doing situps) I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Pam Beesly
You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed -
Michael Scott
I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.
Pam Beesly
I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff.
Michael Scott
Whatever calms you down.
Pam Beesly
Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. (Michael doing leg lifts) Eat an enormous breakfast. Check.
Michael Scott
Don't patronize me, Pam.
Pam Beesly
I think you should get dressed.
Michael Scott
I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
Pam Beesly
Michael, that seems impossible.
Michael Scott
It's totally impossible!
Pam Beesly
We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.
Michael Scott
Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Pam Beesly
Great.
Michael Scott
Okay, Ryan.
Pam Beesly
No. What? Why?
Michael Scott
He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package.
Pam Beesly
No. We're not gonna hire Ryan.
Michael Scott
Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Michael Scott
He worked at that telemarketing place.
Pam Beesly
We'll find him.
Michael Scott
Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
We have an investor already?
Michael Scott
Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Pam Beesly
Michael, that's fantastic.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. (sits down in robe, legs spread wide) Umm...
Pam Beesly
Hey! We need to get you dressed!

Scene 12

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship. (Michael comes out in a suit) Hey! You look great! (checks something off her list) Let's go!
Michael Scott
Alright.

Scene 13

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(laughing at something on his computer)
Charles Minor
You a soccer fan?
Andy Bernard
Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.
Charles Minor
Well, that makes two of us.
Andy Bernard
No way!
Charles Minor
Yeah.

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
I hate soccer. But guess who doesn't hate soccer? Charles Miner.

Scene 15

4 lines
Charles Minor
I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals.
Andy Bernard
Ahhh. You bastard! That shoulda been me!
Charles Minor
Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. Alright, man.
Andy Bernard
Cool!

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
I've never been a kiss up. I - it's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly.

Scene 17

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Next on the list - open the mail.
Michael Scott
Oh. Wow. "Michael Scott Paper Company." Okay. Very official. "Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence."
Pam Beesly
No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add "find office"...
Michael Scott
How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Pam Beesly
Next on the list -- song parodies.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay. "Achey Breaky Fart."
Pam Beesly
Great. Let's sing it in the car.
Michael Scott
No! No No. No. "My Stumps." Like "My Humps" but a guy with no legs.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
We can do this.
Pam Beesly
We can do this.

Scene 18

36 lines
Andy Bernard
Whoa! And he just goes, "Boom". (kicking motion) Goal!
Charles Minor
Yep. Yep. That's Pele.
Andy Bernard
You know your soccer, man.
Charles Minor
I know. Yes I do.
Stanley Hudson
I prefer (looks down at palms) Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona.
Charles Minor
Oh yeah?
Stanley Hudson
From Argentina.
Charles Minor
I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office.
Andy Bernard
I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but...
Charles Minor
What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?
Jim Halpert
Uh, no. Nope. Not really.
Charles Minor
Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. (Andy laughs)
Jim Halpert
It's 'cause I'm more of a player.
Charles Minor
Yeah?
Jim Halpert
You bet.
Dwight Schrute
Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it.
Jim Halpert
Well I do.
Dwight Schrute
Wow.
Jim Halpert
I play.
Dwight Schrute
You can be so modest sometimes.
Jim Halpert
Well, maybe you should get back to work.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.
Jim Halpert
Maybe we will someday.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?
Charles Minor
That's a great idea, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
I don't try and be anything that I'm not.
Charles Minor
What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer?
Dwight Schrute
Jim, what do you say?
Angela Martin
Sounds fun.
Andy Bernard
I'm in it to win.
Dwight Schrute
Game on!
Charles Minor
Okay. See you on the field, there, bro.
Jim Halpert
Let's... eh... see ya.
Charles Minor
See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait!

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.

Scene 20

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(Michael comes out with Vikram, arms raised) We got Vikram!
Vikram
You got me.

Scene 21

7 lines
Vikram
Where are we going?
Pam Beesly
We have a meeting with an investor today.
Michael Scott
Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. (gets out of the car) Ah, okay.
Vikram
He seems really confident.
Pam Beesly
He can be.
Vikram
Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool.
Pam Beesly
Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram.

Scene 22

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. (Ryan is working at the bowling alley) It's Michael.
Ryan Howard
I'm swamped, Michael. (over the PA) Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27.
Michael Scott
Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files.

Scene 23

2 lines
Vikram
He's taking a long time. Is it possible he's bowling? I mean, you know him better than I do.
Pam Beesly
Yes. Yes, it's possible.

Scene 24

30 lines
Michael Scott
Well, it has always been a lifelong dream.
Pam Beesly
Michael! What's going on?
Michael Scott
I'm...
Pam Beesly
Hey, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Hey, you.
Michael Scott
Excuse me. Yes?
Pam Beesly
This wasn't on the list.
Michael Scott
Yes, it is.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
It's not.
Michael Scott
It is.
Pam Beesly
(looks at list) When did you add this to the list?
Michael Scott
Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. (walks back to Ryan) Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan Howard
Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam Beesly
You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan Howard
What do you make, secretary?
Supervisor
Back to work, shoe bitch!
Ryan Howard
I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so...
Michael Scott
Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Ryan Howard
What size shoes are you guys?
Michael Scott
Uh, nine.
Ryan Howard
What are those, a men's ten?
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
(Ryan grabs some shoes) Look what he's doing.
Pam Beesly
What is he doing?
Michael Scott
He's stealing them. Okay, okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
He's already paying for himself.
Pam Beesly
Sorry!

Scene 25

3 lines
Ryan Howard
Where is it?
Michael Scott
Right here.
Vikram
Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know.

Scene 26

10 lines
Charles Minor
Miner - (kicking a piece of trash)
Jim Halpert
Oh, there he goes.
Charles Minor
...sees his partner -
Jim Halpert
Yikes.
Charles Minor
Halpert. He looks up!
Jim Halpert
Aw, man.
Charles Minor
Defending duo! He sets him up! (Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands) He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!
Jim Halpert
Oh! Goal!
Charles Minor
Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you.
Jim Halpert
Aw, it's gonna be the (softly) worst.

Scene 27

6 lines
Ryan Howard
Do you guys want to hear about Thailand?
Michael Scott
Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Ryan Howard
It was indescribable.
Michael Scott
Sounds awesome.
Pam Beesly
Beat.

Scene 28

4 lines
Vikram
What sort of investing club is this?
Michael Scott
Vikram, you ask a lot of questions and I like that. Hey, Nana! Hi!
Pam Beesly
(mouthing to camera) Nana?
Nana
Michael!

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want.

Scene 30

7 lines
Michael Scott
Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! (snaps in front of sleeping old man) I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper.
Nana
So let's hear it.
Michael Scott
Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit.
Nana
How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?
Michael Scott
By wanting it more. By working hard-
Nana
What's your mission statement?
Michael Scott
Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.

Scene 31

13 lines
Charles Minor
C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play?
Dwight Schrute
Wing.
Kevin Malone
Wag.
Charles Minor
Jim. What do you play?
Jim Halpert
Left.
Charles Minor
Forward or half?
Jim Halpert
Forward, definitely.
Charles Minor
Okay, striker, huh?
Jim Halpert
Striker!
Charles Minor
Let's see what you got in those legs!
Jim Halpert
Alright! Let's do it.
Charles Minor
Alright. (Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face) No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff.
Jim Halpert
Kickoff. (to camera) My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. (to team) Alright! (clapping)

Scene 32

13 lines
Michael Scott
And I offer same day, free delivery.
Nana
Michael, I don't know about this.
Michael Scott
Nana. (softly) I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Nana
I'm not so sure.
Michael Scott
Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other...
Nana
See, this is what concerns me.
Old Woman
We could just give him a chance. It's not much money.
Michael Scott
Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for.
Nana
This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club!
Michael Scott
Okay.
Nana
I love you, Michael. I do.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Nana
But no. I mean it. No.

Scene 33

3 lines
Vikram
I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?
Pam Beesly
It means grandmother.
Vikram
Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?

Scene 34

1 line
Vikram
You know, Michael? You want to succeed? You got to apply the same- (Michael slams door)

Scene 35

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. (Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose)
Charles Minor
Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the?
Oscar Martinez
Phyllis, Phyllis.
Charles Minor
Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay?
Phyllis Vance
(muffled) No, I swallowed a crown.
Charles Minor
Why'd you duck, Jim?
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?
Jim Halpert
Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice.
Charles Minor
Does that make you feel better? Huh?
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, Phyllis.
Charles Minor
Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry.

Scene 36

14 lines
Ryan Howard
Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?
Michael Scott
Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. (to Pam) Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that.
Pam Beesly
I can't do this.
Michael Scott
What's that?
Pam Beesly
I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
Michael Scott
Blech.
Pam Beesly
I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?
Michael Scott
Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many.
Pam Beesly
We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything.
Michael Scott
Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. (Pam tosses list out car window) Okay...
Pam Beesly
How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you!
Michael Scott
I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? (Pam nods)

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine.

Scene 39

6 lines
Michael Scott
(walks into room) Okay.
Pam Beesly
I could work here. I could see this.
Michael Scott
It's right in the middle of the paper belt.
Pam Beesly
Are you good?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm good. You good?
Pam Beesly
I'm good.

Scene 40

5 lines
Michael Scott
You know what they say, keep your friends close. (pointing to office sign where "Dunder Mifflin" is listed right above "Michael Scott Pap")
Charles Minor
Michael, you're back.
Michael Scott
Yes, I am, Charles.
Charles Minor
Mmmhmm.
Michael Scott
Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. (Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away) Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared.