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Season 5 Episode 21
Michael Scott Paper Company

Every line from The Office episode "Michael Scott Paper Company", season 5 episode 21.

Michael Scott: It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. (tries to parallel park, hits car.) Okay. Not gonna make this one. (drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser)
Jim Halpert: LOVE the hair. (Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair)
Pam Beesly: Morning Michael!
Michael Scott: Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! (awkwardly climbs out of his car)
Michael Scott: I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. (nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down) Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!
Kelly Kapoor: So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...
Jim Halpert: You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?
Kelly Kapoor: And...
Charles Minor: Hey Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor: Yes? Charles, you wanted me?
Charles Minor: Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. (New receptionist walks in)
Jim Halpert: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says "You wanted me" enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worse plan she's ever had.
Charles Minor: Oh, and Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor: Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?
Charles Minor: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon.
Erin Hannon: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles Minor: Erin. Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly Kapoor: Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!
Kevin Malone: I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name?
Michael Scott: We are in the heart of it. (Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.) And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Pam Beesly: What should we do now?
Michael Scott: We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.
Michael Scott: I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.
Michael Scott: I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. (He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.)
Pam Beesly: I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I'm receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there. Cause it's technically a closet.
Andy Bernard: What do you think?
Dwight Schrute: Let me check. (Pulls out hunting scope) Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Andy Bernard: Thank you!
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.
Ryan Howard: You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we'll hang out Scranton style.
Michael Scott: Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Ryan Howard: Please don't listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she's like um, she'd probably be a Six in New York, but she's like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It's a small space.
Charles Minor: Hey Jim can I get a, um-
Jim Halpert: Hi! (Awkward)
Charles Minor: Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me.
Jim Halpert: Sure!
Charles Minor: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Jim Halpert: What the hell's a rundown?
Jim Halpert: When did you need that rundown by?
Charles Minor: As soon as possible.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Charles Minor: Just get it right.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I'm gonna dive in. To the rundown. I'll be exhausted 'cause it's like a triathlon. (At door.) Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?
Erin Hannon: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: You know there's a ghost in this office
Erin Hannon: Really?
Dwight Schrute: A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Erin Hannon: Why was she in this building?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.
Erin Hannon: That's crazy.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
Erin Hannon: Oh my god!
Dwight Schrute: It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
Erin Hannon: Hmm.
Dwight Schrute: That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you're next. (Taps her shoulder)
Erin Hannon: Oh! (Dwight and Erin laugh.)
Dwight Schrute: Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah?
Erin Hannon: Just got some ice.
Dwight Schrute: Erin (eerie voice) Erin...
Andy Bernard: Oh, this is awkward. (Andy and Erin 'dance' trying to get out of each other's way)
Erin Hannon: Oops!
Andy Bernard: Uh oh! Oh! Oh! (Andy improvs musical verbage)
Erin Hannon: So I'll see you guys around!
Dwight Schrute: Hey buddy.
Michael Scott: Hey Ryan? (Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube) Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan Howard: Pam's better at that stuff
Pam Beesly: That is so insulting.
Ryan Howard: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam Beesly: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan Howard: I'm not judging it, it's like ... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam Beesly: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
Ryan Howard: What the hell? (Michael closed his laptop)
Michael Scott: Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals.
Ryan Howard: Yeah I make originals too.
Pam Beesly: Shut up!
Michael Scott: Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Pam Beesly: Really!
Ryan Howard: Yeah!
Toby Flenderson: Not much? What's up with you? (from bathroom above) Nah it's okay. I'm in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It's so good. No, you gotta tune in, it's as good as anything on HBO. (sound of pissing) Hey does blue go with tan?
Michael Scott: Would someone just make the copy?
Toby Flenderson: I have like, like a blue shirt? I don't wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh.
Michael Scott: Just make that copy okay?
Pam Beesly: Seriously? This is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?
Ryan Howard: That's me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.
Pam Beesly: I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day.
Ryan Howard: You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.
Pam Beesly: Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?
Ryan Howard: This is from the sun.
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah I bet.
Michael Scott: They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.
Pam Beesly: Michael, we can hear you.
Michael Scott: I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.
Pam Beesly: Okay it's my turn.
Ryan Howard: No don't take that, give that back!
Pam Beesly: Give it back for what? What're you gonna do with it?
Ryan Howard: I'm gonna make a spreadsheet.
Pam Beesly: You're gonna make another "spreadsheet."
Ryan Howard: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: Yeah exactly. It's my turn.
Ryan Howard: Go make a copy, secretary.
Pam Beesly: Come on! Ryan!
Michael Scott: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?
Dwight Schrute: Hey buddy, what are you up to?
Andy Bernard: Um, nerthing?
Dwight Schrute: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.
Andy Bernard: Pffft.
Dwight Schrute: Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
Andy Bernard: The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man.
Dwight Schrute: And I, yours. So I will cede her to you.
Andy Bernard: No, that's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: No no no.
Andy Bernard: Look you've been here longer, and besides, I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-
Dwight Schrute: Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, (They Hi-5 badly) Boom.
Michael Scott: Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Pam Beesly: Definitely.
Michael Scott: Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Pam Beesly: We could work from home.
Ryan Howard: Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.
Michael Scott: Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?
Pam Beesly: .... Corner idea?
Michael Scott: No, you're supposed to say, "Rock the house."
Ryan Howard: Rock the house!
Pam Beesly: How would we know that?
Jim Halpert: Hey dude, you know what a "rundown" is?
Oscar Martinez: Use it in a sentence.
Jim Halpert: "Uh, can you get this rundown for me?" (impersonating Charles)
Oscar Martinez: Try another sentence.
Jim Halpert: "This rundown better be really good"?
Oscar Martinez: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Jim Halpert: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar Martinez: Why don't you just ask him--
Jim Halpert: No. I can't. It was like, hours ago.
Oscar Martinez: What have you been doing?
Kevin Malone: Try it in another sentence.
Ryan Howard: Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, "Hey cop, you like donuts?" then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. (Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.) I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about it's the one, the one with the awesome browser. (More bathroom noises) No, not that one.
Michael Scott: That's my corner.
Pam Beesly: I thought that was your corner.
Michael Scott: No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.
Pam Beesly: So my corner's the one with the copier?
Michael Scott: Pam, I don't make the rules. (Pam walks out.)
Ryan Howard: Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don't want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is.
Charles Minor: You started on that rundown yet? (Looks at Jim's screen.)
Jim Halpert: Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with.
Charles Minor: Oh.
Jim Halpert: I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now.
Charles Minor: Okay, great.
Jim Halpert: Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for ?
Charles Minor: Just keep it simple.
Jim Halpert: Keeping it simple -that's what I'm doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.
Charles Minor: You're working hard? On this?
Jim Halpert: No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.
Charles Minor: Right. I mean why work harder than you should.
Jim Halpert: No, I....
Erin Hannon: Can I help you?
Pam Beesly: No thanks.
Jim Halpert: Hey!
Pam Beesly: Hey I'm here to see Charles.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Hey Charles.
Charles Minor: Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: I know you're a very busy man so I'll cut right to the chase. I'd like my old job back.
Charles Minor: I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken.
Pam Beesly: Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.
Charles Minor: Um.
Pam Beesly: Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people.
Charles Minor: Yeah I know.
Pam Beesly: Personal shopper?
Charles Minor: No.
Pam Beesly: Well it was great catching up with you. And I'll see you around the building.
Charles Minor: Okay.
Pam Beesly: I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.
Michael Scott: Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.
Stanley Hudson: I get it. (To Phyllis) You need to see more?
Phyllis Vance: It's really cute.
Michael Scott: Thank you. You remember Ryan (Stanley laughs deeply) And Pam is around here somewhere.
Stanley Hudson: She's upstairs talking to Charles.
Michael Scott: What for?
Stanley Hudson: I don't know. (They shrug and leave.)
Ryan Howard: Are we staying til five?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Michael Scott: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Michael Scott: Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. (Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches) Young sir, would you like a free pancake?
Ryan Howard: I'm texting. I don't want to get my fingers sticky.
Michael Scott: Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company.
Michael Scott: Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Michael Scott: You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: That's as specific as I'd like to be.
Michael Scott: Well, at least you're still being honest with me.
Jim Halpert: There's the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for.
Charles Minor: Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Jim Halpert: Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?
Charles Minor: Do I need to?
Jim Halpert: No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my...?
Charles Minor: What's that?
Jim Halpert: The one I have. I'll use the one I have.
Jim Halpert: Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.
Pam Beesly: We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves.
Man: Do you have a card?
Pam Beesly: Nope, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better. A little scrap of paper.
Creed Bratton: These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.
Michael Scott: These are shaped like paper.
Creed Bratton: Well I don't even want these. (Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.)
Meredith Palmer: I'll take them for my kid.
Erin Hannon: Country roads, take me home, to the place...(Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar) Sorry. I like that song. You're good!
Dwight Schrute: You're good.
Erin Hannon: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: That was great, but it's just sort of, it's still a little choppy like. But don't worry, it's hard, it took me a while too. It's like (Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.)
Erin Hannon: Wow!
Andy Bernard: What? Oh my God you heard that I'm so embarrassed. I'm like so rusty.
Dwight Schrute: Oh it's good, you're coming along. It's really technically proficient but really there's no heart or soul in it.
Andy Bernard: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...
Dwight & Erin: West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River (Andy vocalizes)
Dwight Schrute: In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend
Dwight & Andy: Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. (Erin leaves)
Dwight Schrute: Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh
Toby Flenderson: You have to stop. (bangs on glass window)
Michael Scott: (sits alone at the pancake table, the breeze blowing paper around.)
Michael Scott: I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. (The phone rings) It is a disgusting sandwich. (It rings again.) And the reason I tell you this story. (phone) Pick up the phone.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we'd like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?
Ryan Howard: Keep going. (Whispers)
Michael Scott: Don't tell them we have free delivery! (Also whispers)
Pam Beesly: We already offered free delivery!
Michael Scott: They don't know that!
Pam Beesly: Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do... just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!
Ryan Howard: Write it down.
Michael Scott: Give him a guarantee.
Pam Beesly: A guarantee of what?
Michael Scott: Just say the word.
Pam Beesly: And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell.
Michael Scott: Yes!
Pam Beesly: I made a sale!
Ryan Howard: Oh!
Michael Scott: You did!
Pam Beesly: Oh!
Michael Scott: Oh yeah!
Ryan Howard: We did it !
Michael Scott: She did it!
Michael Scott: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Dancing in the office)
Michael Scott: Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really (flushing) Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important.
Andy Bernard: Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Dwight Schrute: Cherry Pie, Warrant.
Andy Bernard: Better a cappella!
Dwight Schrute: No! Really?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Name another.
Dwight Schrute: Enter Sandman, Metallica.
Andy Bernard: Better a cappella.
Dwight Schrute: Rebel Yell, Billy Idol
Andy Bernard: Aw!! Way better a cappella
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 5. Michael Scott Paper Company is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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