Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Michael Scott Paper Company

Vol. 5 · Issue 21Scranton, PA

Michael, Pam, and Ryan are officially in business, even if that means working out of a literal closet. Every line from the episode is here, from Jim’s total confusion over a "rundown" to that legendary German duet of Country Roads. Check out the full script and all the best quotes from the pancake luncheon that started it all.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. (tries to parallel park, hits car.) Okay. Not gonna make this one. (drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser)

Scene 02

3 lines
Jim Halpert
LOVE the hair. (Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair)
Pam Beesly
Morning Michael!
Michael Scott
Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! (awkwardly climbs out of his car)

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. (nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down) Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!

Scene 04

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...
Jim Halpert
You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?
Kelly Kapoor
And...
Charles Minor
Hey Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor
Yes? Charles, you wanted me?
Charles Minor
Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. (New receptionist walks in)

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says "You wanted me" enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worse plan she's ever had.

Scene 06

7 lines
Charles Minor
Oh, and Kelly...
Kelly Kapoor
Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?
Charles Minor
Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon.
Erin Hannon
If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles Minor
Erin. Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly Kapoor
Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!
Kevin Malone
I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name?

Scene 07

3 lines
Michael Scott
We are in the heart of it. (Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.) And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Pam Beesly
What should we do now?
Michael Scott
We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. (He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.)

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I'm receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there. Cause it's technically a closet.

Scene 11

3 lines
Andy Bernard
What do you think?
Dwight Schrute
Let me check. (Pulls out hunting scope) Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Andy Bernard
Thank you!

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.

Scene 13

3 lines
Ryan Howard
You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we'll hang out Scranton style.
Michael Scott
Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Ryan Howard
Please don't listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she's like um, she'd probably be a Six in New York, but she's like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It's a small space.

Scene 14

6 lines
Charles Minor
Hey Jim can I get a, um-
Jim Halpert
Hi! (Awkward)
Charles Minor
Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me.
Jim Halpert
Sure!
Charles Minor
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 15

1 line
Jim Halpert
What the hell's a rundown?

Scene 16

5 lines
Jim Halpert
When did you need that rundown by?
Charles Minor
As soon as possible.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Charles Minor
Just get it right.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I'm gonna dive in. To the rundown. I'll be exhausted 'cause it's like a triathlon. (At door.) Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?

Scene 17

23 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
You know there's a ghost in this office
Erin Hannon
Really?
Dwight Schrute
A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Erin Hannon
Why was she in this building?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.
Erin Hannon
That's crazy.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
Erin Hannon
Oh my god!
Dwight Schrute
It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
Erin Hannon
Hmm.
Dwight Schrute
That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you're next. (Taps her shoulder)
Erin Hannon
Oh! (Dwight and Erin laugh.)
Dwight Schrute
Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah?
Erin Hannon
Just got some ice.
Dwight Schrute
Erin (eerie voice) Erin...
Andy Bernard
Oh, this is awkward. (Andy and Erin 'dance' trying to get out of each other's way)
Erin Hannon
Oops!
Andy Bernard
Uh oh! Oh! Oh! (Andy improvs musical verbage)
Erin Hannon
So I'll see you guys around!
Dwight Schrute
Hey buddy.

Scene 18

18 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Ryan? (Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube) Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan Howard
Pam's better at that stuff
Pam Beesly
That is so insulting.
Ryan Howard
How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam Beesly
Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan Howard
I'm not judging it, it's like ... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam Beesly
Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
Ryan Howard
What the hell? (Michael closed his laptop)
Michael Scott
Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals.
Ryan Howard
Yeah I make originals too.
Pam Beesly
Shut up!
Michael Scott
Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Pam Beesly
Really!
Ryan Howard
Yeah!
Toby Flenderson
Not much? What's up with you? (from bathroom above) Nah it's okay. I'm in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It's so good. No, you gotta tune in, it's as good as anything on HBO. (sound of pissing) Hey does blue go with tan?
Michael Scott
Would someone just make the copy?
Toby Flenderson
I have like, like a blue shirt? I don't wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh.
Michael Scott
Just make that copy okay?

Scene 19

19 lines
Pam Beesly
Seriously? This is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?
Ryan Howard
That's me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.
Pam Beesly
I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day.
Ryan Howard
You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.
Pam Beesly
Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?
Ryan Howard
This is from the sun.
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah I bet.
Michael Scott
They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.
Pam Beesly
Michael, we can hear you.
Michael Scott
I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.
Pam Beesly
Okay it's my turn.
Ryan Howard
No don't take that, give that back!
Pam Beesly
Give it back for what? What're you gonna do with it?
Ryan Howard
I'm gonna make a spreadsheet.
Pam Beesly
You're gonna make another "spreadsheet."
Ryan Howard
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
Yeah exactly. It's my turn.
Ryan Howard
Go make a copy, secretary.
Pam Beesly
Come on! Ryan!

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?

Scene 21

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey buddy, what are you up to?
Andy Bernard
Um, nerthing?
Dwight Schrute
Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.
Andy Bernard
Pffft.
Dwight Schrute
Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
Andy Bernard
The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man.
Dwight Schrute
And I, yours. So I will cede her to you.
Andy Bernard
No, that's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
No no no.
Andy Bernard
Look you've been here longer, and besides, I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-
Dwight Schrute
Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, (They Hi-5 badly) Boom.

Scene 22

10 lines
Michael Scott
Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Pam Beesly
Definitely.
Michael Scott
Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Pam Beesly
We could work from home.
Ryan Howard
Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.
Michael Scott
Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?
Pam Beesly
.... Corner idea?
Michael Scott
No, you're supposed to say, "Rock the house."
Ryan Howard
Rock the house!
Pam Beesly
How would we know that?

Scene 23

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey dude, you know what a "rundown" is?
Oscar Martinez
Use it in a sentence.
Jim Halpert
"Uh, can you get this rundown for me?" (impersonating Charles)
Oscar Martinez
Try another sentence.
Jim Halpert
"This rundown better be really good"?
Oscar Martinez
I don't know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Jim Halpert
Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar Martinez
Why don't you just ask him--
Jim Halpert
No. I can't. It was like, hours ago.
Oscar Martinez
What have you been doing?
Kevin Malone
Try it in another sentence.

Scene 24

1 line
Ryan Howard
Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, "Hey cop, you like donuts?" then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. (Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.) I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about it's the one, the one with the awesome browser. (More bathroom noises) No, not that one.

Scene 25

6 lines
Michael Scott
That's my corner.
Pam Beesly
I thought that was your corner.
Michael Scott
No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.
Pam Beesly
So my corner's the one with the copier?
Michael Scott
Pam, I don't make the rules. (Pam walks out.)
Ryan Howard
Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don't want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is.

Scene 26

12 lines
Charles Minor
You started on that rundown yet? (Looks at Jim's screen.)
Jim Halpert
Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with.
Charles Minor
Oh.
Jim Halpert
I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now.
Charles Minor
Okay, great.
Jim Halpert
Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for ?
Charles Minor
Just keep it simple.
Jim Halpert
Keeping it simple -that's what I'm doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.
Charles Minor
You're working hard? On this?
Jim Halpert
No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.
Charles Minor
Right. I mean why work harder than you should.
Jim Halpert
No, I....

Scene 27

17 lines
Erin Hannon
Can I help you?
Pam Beesly
No thanks.
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Pam Beesly
Hey I'm here to see Charles.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Hey Charles.
Charles Minor
Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly
I know you're a very busy man so I'll cut right to the chase. I'd like my old job back.
Charles Minor
I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken.
Pam Beesly
Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.
Charles Minor
Um.
Pam Beesly
Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people.
Charles Minor
Yeah I know.
Pam Beesly
Personal shopper?
Charles Minor
No.
Pam Beesly
Well it was great catching up with you. And I'll see you around the building.
Charles Minor
Okay.

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.

Scene 29

9 lines
Michael Scott
Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.
Stanley Hudson
I get it. (To Phyllis) You need to see more?
Phyllis Vance
It's really cute.
Michael Scott
Thank you. You remember Ryan (Stanley laughs deeply) And Pam is around here somewhere.
Stanley Hudson
She's upstairs talking to Charles.
Michael Scott
What for?
Stanley Hudson
I don't know. (They shrug and leave.)
Ryan Howard
Are we staying til five?
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Scene 31

10 lines
Michael Scott
Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. (Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches) Young sir, would you like a free pancake?
Ryan Howard
I'm texting. I don't want to get my fingers sticky.
Michael Scott
Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company.
Michael Scott
Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Michael Scott
You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff.
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
That's as specific as I'd like to be.
Michael Scott
Well, at least you're still being honest with me.

Scene 32

7 lines
Jim Halpert
There's the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for.
Charles Minor
Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Jim Halpert
Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?
Charles Minor
Do I need to?
Jim Halpert
No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my...?
Charles Minor
What's that?
Jim Halpert
The one I have. I'll use the one I have.

Scene 33

1 line
Jim Halpert
Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.

Scene 34

3 lines
Pam Beesly
We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves.
Man
Do you have a card?
Pam Beesly
Nope, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better. A little scrap of paper.

Scene 35

4 lines
Creed Bratton
These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.
Michael Scott
These are shaped like paper.
Creed Bratton
Well I don't even want these. (Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.)
Meredith Palmer
I'll take them for my kid.

Scene 36

14 lines
Erin Hannon
Country roads, take me home, to the place...(Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar) Sorry. I like that song. You're good!
Dwight Schrute
You're good.
Erin Hannon
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
That was great, but it's just sort of, it's still a little choppy like. But don't worry, it's hard, it took me a while too. It's like (Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.)
Erin Hannon
Wow!
Andy Bernard
What? Oh my God you heard that I'm so embarrassed. I'm like so rusty.
Dwight Schrute
Oh it's good, you're coming along. It's really technically proficient but really there's no heart or soul in it.
Andy Bernard
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...
Dwight & Erin
West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River (Andy vocalizes)
Dwight Schrute
In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend
Dwight & Andy
Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. (Erin leaves)
Dwight Schrute
Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh
Toby Flenderson
You have to stop. (bangs on glass window)

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
(sits alone at the pancake table, the breeze blowing paper around.)

Scene 38

21 lines
Michael Scott
I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. (The phone rings) It is a disgusting sandwich. (It rings again.) And the reason I tell you this story. (phone) Pick up the phone.
Pam Beesly
Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we'd like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?
Ryan Howard
Keep going. (Whispers)
Michael Scott
Don't tell them we have free delivery! (Also whispers)
Pam Beesly
We already offered free delivery!
Michael Scott
They don't know that!
Pam Beesly
Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do... just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!
Ryan Howard
Write it down.
Michael Scott
Give him a guarantee.
Pam Beesly
A guarantee of what?
Michael Scott
Just say the word.
Pam Beesly
And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell.
Michael Scott
Yes!
Pam Beesly
I made a sale!
Ryan Howard
Oh!
Michael Scott
You did!
Pam Beesly
Oh!
Michael Scott
Oh yeah!
Ryan Howard
We did it !
Michael Scott
She did it!
Michael Scott
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Dancing in the office)

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really (flushing) Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important.

Scene 40

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Dwight Schrute
Cherry Pie, Warrant.
Andy Bernard
Better a cappella!
Dwight Schrute
No! Really?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Name another.
Dwight Schrute
Enter Sandman, Metallica.
Andy Bernard
Better a cappella.
Dwight Schrute
Rebel Yell, Billy Idol
Andy Bernard
Aw!! Way better a cappella
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.