Scene 023 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hup! (throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We're getting pretty good at it.
Scene 034 linesPam & RyanOpen quote: (Throw cheese puffs to Michael)Ryan & MichaelOpen quote: (Throw cheese puffs at each other)Michael ScottOpen quote: (throws a cheese puff over his shoulder to Ryan)Pam & Ryan & MichaelOpen quote: (Throw cheese puffs to one another, give high-fives)
Scene 053 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: The timeline's messy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Scene 068 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: This is my solo. (stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al')Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'Andy BernardOpen quote: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.Andy BernardOpen quote: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mm-hmm.
Scene 076 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: What's wrong with you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I think you look nice.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.Charles MinerOpen quote: Looking good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 'Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! (knocks things off shelf with arms) Okay.
Scene 081 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.
Scene 0916 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.Michael ScottOpen quote: (gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine) Is this good?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: They have some great kitchen ideas.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's small, I know.Michael ScottOpen quote: I really appreciate it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks, Michael. (Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake) Wait, what is this?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's for your trouble.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, you know I can't take this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I do.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But don't forget you owe me $10.Michael ScottOpen quote: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael.
Scene 106 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.Andy BernardOpen quote: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Am I going down a road?Andy BernardOpen quote: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.
Scene 111 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
Scene 121 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.
Scene 138 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm not gonna do that.Michael ScottOpen quote: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I can get there.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh, awesome.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bring it in. Morning cheer. (clears throat)Michael & Pam & RyanOpen quote: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
Scene 1513 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You needed to speak to me?Charles MinerOpen quote: Dwight, take a seat.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.Charles MinerOpen quote: Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. (Dwight sits) Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.Charles MinerOpen quote: I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Your concern is noted.Charles MinerOpen quote: Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Like a wolf. Thank you.Charles MinerOpen quote: And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really?Charles MinerOpen quote: Definitely.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sighs) It's firm.
Scene 1625 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not following you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.Michael ScottOpen quote: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good, do you see what I'm saying?Michael ScottOpen quote: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Can I use it? (Pam holds up note saying "He's talking about you!")Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad) Dwight, are you talking about us?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It is possible that I could be talking about us.Michael ScottOpen quote: Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It is the situation that we are in now.Michael ScottOpen quote: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm not a barbarian.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes?Michael ScottOpen quote: Is the cool new guy Charles?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I've said too much.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is it Stanley?
Scene 179 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-Andy BernardOpen quote: 'Noishe.'Jim HalpertOpen quote: -I just don't know if I can do it.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.Andy BernardOpen quote: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. (imitates punching on Jim's fist) Ah, what'd you do that for?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (both laugh) You know that I was doin' this.Andy BernardOpen quote: (fist pound each other) Totally.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 1816 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm sorry, MichaelCharles MinerOpen quote: (Charles comes from around corner) Hi, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!Charles MinerOpen quote: No, Mich-Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, run!Charles MinerOpen quote: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?Michael ScottOpen quote: You be cool.Charles MinerOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just-what's going on?Charles MinerOpen quote: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mm-do... Dwight would not-Charles MinerOpen quote: He did.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.Charles MinerOpen quote: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?Michael ScottOpen quote: I. Understand. Nothing.
Scene 198 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Michael storms into office) Wow.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, are you alright?Michael ScottOpen quote: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Tell us what you're talking about.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.Michael ScottOpen quote: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?
Scene 2010 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Jim slams lunchbag on table) I just totally blew a sales call.Andy BernardOpen quote: Bro, I do that all the time.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!Andy BernardOpen quote: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Forget it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I said forget it. (drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it)
Scene 218 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (on phone) Dwight Schrute.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hello, traitor.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm just getting hardcore with him.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Finally.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. (hangs up) Bill Cosby.
Scene 223 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (on phone) Mr. Schofield, please?SecretaryOpen quote: He's in a meeting.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dammit! (hangs up)
Scene 232 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Is Mr. Schofield there?Automated phone voiceOpen quote: If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. (Michael sighs, hangs up phone)
Scene 244 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You sound worried.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! (gibberish sounds)
Scene 254 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. (referencing rolodex card) Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow. High score?
Scene 261 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: And no, I cannot lower my current prices. (phone rings) Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.
Scene 271 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...
Scene 2813 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I would like to arrange a truce.Michael ScottOpen quote: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Meet me in our spot in four minutes.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: In which direction?Michael ScottOpen quote: Toward the sun.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: At what time?Michael ScottOpen quote: Noon.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That-Michael ScottOpen quote: You have two seconds. (Dwight starts running)
Scene 2914 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (looking at his watch) Michael. (Madge walks by) Sorry.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: I hope you're not recording this conversation. (Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt) Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You were making me do things that were not all right.Michael ScottOpen quote: So you just rat me out? You could have said no.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And not come through for you?Michael ScottOpen quote: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I want a truce.Michael ScottOpen quote: I do too.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.Michael ScottOpen quote: Cooper's.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I had fish yesterday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Damn it.
Scene 309 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings) Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I hit a bear.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. (throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office) Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, sure.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? (takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex)Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
Scene 3118 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office) Sounds neat.Ryan HowardOpen quote: We can spend a couple days there.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!Michael ScottOpen quote: (Michael answers phone) Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you enjoy your lunch?Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. (Pam holds up sign saying "Dwight did it!!") You?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Me.Michael ScottOpen quote: What about our truce?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I broke it.Michael ScottOpen quote: On purpose?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!Michael ScottOpen quote: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. (bites into sandwich, looks disgusted) Bastard!
Scene 321 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is (reading off rolodex card) Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.
Scene 331 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (holding up rolodex card) Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." (turns card over) "Tall" and "beets."
Scene 3416 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. (hangs up and answers cell phone) I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, do you mind if we talk?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sure. That'd be fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is war and that is what happens.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael! Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: You can hear me, but I can't hear you.SecretaryOpen quote: Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: Walking in the door...Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Michael, good to see you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. (Dwight runs out of the office)
Scene 354 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on speakerphone in Dwight's car) Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Really?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are you saying you invented paper?
Scene 366 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (hugging a crying Jim) Okay, okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, God.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, Tuna.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Hey, guys.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hello.
Scene 375 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I guess I could be nicer.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, really?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Mm-hmm. (looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen)
Scene 385 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, that's not what was-Jim HalpertOpen quote: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.
Scene 391 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.
Scene 4021 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! (runs into office)SecretaryOpen quote: Uh, hello, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Spin move.SecretaryOpen quote: Oh-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's very rude.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on.Michael ScottOpen quote: Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?Michael ScottOpen quote: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Uh, ok, sure.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good, good, good. I will see you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?Mr. SchofieldOpen quote: Excuse me?
Scene 411 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
Scene 431 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.
Scene 442 linesRyan & Michael & PamOpen quote: (Muffled speech, all have mouths stuffed with cheese puffs)Michael ScottOpen quote: (Answers the phone and talks with mouth full)