Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Heavy Competition

Vol. 5 · Issue 22Scranton, PA

Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute finally go head-to-head in "Heavy Competition." You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the legendary cheese puff toss to the messy fallout of Dwight’s betrayal. It’s a classic battle for the Scranton paper market that involves fish in vents and some very questionable lunch orders.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Hup! (throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth)

Scene 02

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Michael Scott
Hup! (throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth)
Pam Beesly
We're getting pretty good at it.

Scene 03

4 lines
Pam & Ryan
(Throw cheese puffs to Michael)
Ryan & Michael
(Throw cheese puffs at each other)
Michael Scott
(throws a cheese puff over his shoulder to Ryan)
Pam & Ryan & Michael
(Throw cheese puffs to one another, give high-fives)

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
(Yawns, two cheese puffs thrown at her, one sticks in her hair)

Scene 05

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Pam Beesly
The timeline's messy.
Jim Halpert
Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.

Scene 06

8 lines
Andy Bernard
This is my solo. (stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al')
Pam Beesly
I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'
Andy Bernard
Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Jim Halpert
I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Andy Bernard
Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Pam Beesly
I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Andy Bernard
Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.

Scene 07

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
What's wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute
These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis Vance
I think you look nice.
Dwight Schrute
Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles Minor
Looking good.
Dwight Schrute
'Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! (knocks things off shelf with arms) Okay.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.

Scene 09

16 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Michael Scott
(gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine) Is this good?
Dwight Schrute
They have some great kitchen ideas.
Michael Scott
Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Dwight Schrute
It's small, I know.
Michael Scott
I really appreciate it.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks, Michael. (Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake) Wait, what is this?
Michael Scott
It's for your trouble.
Dwight Schrute
Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael Scott
No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, you know I can't take this.
Michael Scott
Yes, I do.
Dwight Schrute
But don't forget you owe me $10.
Michael Scott
That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Dwight Schrute
Michael.

Scene 10

6 lines
Andy Bernard
What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
Jim Halpert
I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.
Andy Bernard
It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Jim Halpert
Am I going down a road?
Andy Bernard
When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Jim Halpert
It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.

Scene 11

1 line
Andy Bernard
I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.

Scene 13

8 lines
Michael Scott
Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam Beesly
I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott
That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan Howard
I can get there.
Michael Scott
Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Ryan Howard
Oh, awesome.
Michael Scott
Bring it in. Morning cheer. (clears throat)
Michael & Pam & Ryan
U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

Scene 14

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm here. I'm a part of this now.

Scene 15

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
You needed to speak to me?
Charles Minor
Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight Schrute
I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles Minor
Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. (Dwight sits) Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?
Dwight Schrute
Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Charles Minor
I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.
Dwight Schrute
Your concern is noted.
Charles Minor
Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.
Dwight Schrute
Like a wolf. Thank you.
Charles Minor
And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Charles Minor
Definitely.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) It's firm.

Scene 16

25 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute
I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.
Michael Scott
Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Dwight Schrute
No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.
Michael Scott
I'm not following you.
Dwight Schrute
Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Michael Scott
Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
Dwight Schrute
Good, do you see what I'm saying?
Michael Scott
Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
Can I use it? (Pam holds up note saying "He's talking about you!")
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
(Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad) Dwight, are you talking about us?
Dwight Schrute
It is possible that I could be talking about us.
Michael Scott
Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
Dwight Schrute
It is the situation that we are in now.
Michael Scott
So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Dwight Schrute
I'm not a barbarian.
Michael Scott
Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight Schrute
I will.
Michael Scott
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Yes?
Michael Scott
Is the cool new guy Charles?
Dwight Schrute
I've said too much.
Michael Scott
Is it Stanley?

Scene 17

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-
Andy Bernard
'Noishe.'
Jim Halpert
-I just don't know if I can do it.
Andy Bernard
That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?
Jim Halpert
It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Andy Bernard
And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. (imitates punching on Jim's fist) Ah, what'd you do that for?
Jim Halpert
(both laugh) You know that I was doin' this.
Andy Bernard
(fist pound each other) Totally.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 18

16 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry, Michael
Charles Minor
(Charles comes from around corner) Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Charles Minor
No, Mich-Michael.
Michael Scott
Dwight, run!
Charles Minor
Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Michael Scott
You be cool.
Charles Minor
Yes.
Michael Scott
Just-what's going on?
Charles Minor
We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Michael Scott
Mm-do... Dwight would not-
Charles Minor
He did.
Dwight Schrute
I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Charles Minor
Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael Scott
I. Understand. Nothing.

Scene 19

8 lines
Michael Scott
(Michael storms into office) Wow.
Pam Beesly
Michael, are you alright?
Michael Scott
It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam Beesly
Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam Beesly
We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott
I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?

Scene 20

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert
(Jim slams lunchbag on table) I just totally blew a sales call.
Andy Bernard
Bro, I do that all the time.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Andy Bernard
Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?
Jim Halpert
Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Andy Bernard
Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim Halpert
Forget it.
Andy Bernard
Jim.
Jim Halpert
I said forget it. (drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it)

Scene 21

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott
Hello, traitor.
Dwight Schrute
I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael Scott
I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam Beesly
Michael!
Michael Scott
I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan Howard
Finally.
Michael Scott
Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. (hangs up) Bill Cosby.

Scene 22

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Mr. Schofield, please?
Secretary
He's in a meeting.
Dwight Schrute
Dammit! (hangs up)

Scene 23

2 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Is Mr. Schofield there?
Automated phone voice
If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. (Michael sighs, hangs up phone)

Scene 24

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Dwight Schrute
I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Phyllis Vance
You sound worried.
Dwight Schrute
And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! (gibberish sounds)

Scene 25

4 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. (referencing rolodex card) Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?
Ryan Howard
Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.
Pam Beesly
I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.
Michael Scott
Wow. High score?

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
And no, I cannot lower my current prices. (phone rings) Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...

Scene 28

13 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
Dwight Schrute
I would like to arrange a truce.
Michael Scott
So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
Dwight Schrute
Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael Scott
No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Dwight Schrute
Michael.
Michael Scott
Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Dwight Schrute
In which direction?
Michael Scott
Toward the sun.
Dwight Schrute
At what time?
Michael Scott
Noon.
Dwight Schrute
That-
Michael Scott
You have two seconds. (Dwight starts running)

Scene 29

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(looking at his watch) Michael. (Madge walks by) Sorry.
Michael Scott
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Michael.
Michael Scott
I hope you're not recording this conversation. (Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt) Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
Dwight Schrute
You were making me do things that were not all right.
Michael Scott
So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
Dwight Schrute
And not come through for you?
Michael Scott
If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
Dwight Schrute
I want a truce.
Michael Scott
I do too.
Dwight Schrute
Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.
Michael Scott
Cooper's.
Dwight Schrute
I had fish yesterday.
Michael Scott
Damn it.

Scene 30

9 lines
Michael Scott
(Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings) Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.
Michael Scott
Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
Dwight Schrute
I hit a bear.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. (throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office) Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?
Michael Scott
Yeah, sure.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? (takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex)
Michael Scott
Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.

Scene 31

18 lines
Pam Beesly
(Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office) Sounds neat.
Ryan Howard
We can spend a couple days there.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Michael Scott
(Michael answers phone) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Did you enjoy your lunch?
Michael Scott
Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Dwight Schrute
No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Michael Scott
No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. (Pam holds up sign saying "Dwight did it!!") You?
Dwight Schrute
Me.
Michael Scott
What about our truce?
Dwight Schrute
I broke it.
Michael Scott
On purpose?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
Why?
Dwight Schrute
You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael Scott
Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight Schrute
And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael Scott
Oh. (bites into sandwich, looks disgusted) Bastard!

Scene 32

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is (reading off rolodex card) Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(holding up rolodex card) Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." (turns card over) "Tall" and "beets."

Scene 34

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. (hangs up and answers cell phone) I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.
Michael Scott
Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
Dwight Schrute
Sure. That'd be fine.
Michael Scott
If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.
Dwight Schrute
This is war and that is what happens.
Michael Scott
Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
Michael Scott
Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
Dwight Schrute
Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott
You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Secretary
Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Dwight Schrute
Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!
Michael Scott
Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield
Michael, good to see you.
Michael Scott
Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. (Dwight runs out of the office)

Scene 35

4 lines
Michael Scott
(on speakerphone in Dwight's car) Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield
Really?
Michael Scott
Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight Schrute
Are you saying you invented paper?

Scene 36

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(hugging a crying Jim) Okay, okay.
Jim Halpert
Oh, God.
Andy Bernard
Okay, Tuna.
Kelly Kapoor
Hey, guys.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Hello.

Scene 37

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.
Kevin Malone
I guess I could be nicer.
Phyllis Vance
Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.
Andy Bernard
Oh, really?
Phyllis Vance
Mm-hmm. (looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen)

Scene 38

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?
Jim Halpert
Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Andy Bernard
Uh, that's not what was-
Jim Halpert
And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.

Scene 39

1 line
Andy Bernard
Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.

Scene 40

21 lines
Michael Scott
What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight Schrute
It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! (runs into office)
Secretary
Uh, hello, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Spin move.
Secretary
Oh-
Dwight Schrute
Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield
Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Michael Scott
That's very rude.
Dwight Schrute
I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield
Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Dwight Schrute
La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael Scott
I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...
Dwight Schrute
Come on.
Michael Scott
Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight Schrute
What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield
Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Michael Scott
That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Mr. Schofield
Uh, ok, sure.
Michael Scott
Good, good, good. I will see you.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield
Excuse me?

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."

Scene 42

1 line
Dwight Schrute
How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.

Scene 44

2 lines
Ryan & Michael & Pam
(Muffled speech, all have mouths stuffed with cheese puffs)
Michael Scott
(Answers the phone and talks with mouth full)