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Season 5 Episode 22
Heavy Competition

Every line from The Office episode "Heavy Competition", season 5 episode 22.

Michael Scott: Hup! (throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth)
Pam Beesly: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Michael Scott: Hup! (throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth)
Pam Beesly: We're getting pretty good at it.
Pam & Ryan: (Throw cheese puffs to Michael)
Ryan & Michael: (Throw cheese puffs at each other)
Michael Scott: (throws a cheese puff over his shoulder to Ryan)
Pam & Ryan & Michael: (Throw cheese puffs to one another, give high-fives)
Pam Beesly: (Yawns, two cheese puffs thrown at her, one sticks in her hair)
Jim Halpert: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Pam Beesly: The timeline's messy.
Jim Halpert: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Andy Bernard: This is my solo. (stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al')
Pam Beesly: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'
Andy Bernard: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Jim Halpert: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Andy Bernard: Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Pam Beesly: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Andy Bernard: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Phyllis Vance: What's wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis Vance: I think you look nice.
Dwight Schrute: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles Minor: Looking good.
Dwight Schrute: 'Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! (knocks things off shelf with arms) Okay.
Dwight Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Michael Scott: (gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine) Is this good?
Dwight Schrute: They have some great kitchen ideas.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Dwight Schrute: It's small, I know.
Michael Scott: I really appreciate it.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, Michael. (Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake) Wait, what is this?
Michael Scott: It's for your trouble.
Dwight Schrute: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael Scott: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, you know I can't take this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Dwight Schrute: But don't forget you owe me $10.
Michael Scott: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Andy Bernard: What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
Jim Halpert: I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.
Andy Bernard: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Jim Halpert: Am I going down a road?
Andy Bernard: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Jim Halpert: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.
Andy Bernard: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
Jim Halpert: I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.
Michael Scott: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam Beesly: I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan Howard: I can get there.
Michael Scott: Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Ryan Howard: Oh, awesome.
Michael Scott: Bring it in. Morning cheer. (clears throat)
Michael & Pam & Ryan: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
Pam Beesly: I'm here. I'm a part of this now.
Dwight Schrute: You needed to speak to me?
Charles Minor: Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight Schrute: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles Minor: Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. (Dwight sits) Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?
Dwight Schrute: Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Charles Minor: I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.
Dwight Schrute: Your concern is noted.
Charles Minor: Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.
Dwight Schrute: Like a wolf. Thank you.
Charles Minor: And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Charles Minor: Definitely.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) It's firm.
Michael Scott: (on phone) I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.
Michael Scott: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Dwight Schrute: No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.
Michael Scott: I'm not following you.
Dwight Schrute: Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Michael Scott: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
Dwight Schrute: Good, do you see what I'm saying?
Michael Scott: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Can I use it? (Pam holds up note saying "He's talking about you!")
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: (Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad) Dwight, are you talking about us?
Dwight Schrute: It is possible that I could be talking about us.
Michael Scott: Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
Dwight Schrute: It is the situation that we are in now.
Michael Scott: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not a barbarian.
Michael Scott: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight Schrute: I will.
Michael Scott: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Yes?
Michael Scott: Is the cool new guy Charles?
Dwight Schrute: I've said too much.
Michael Scott: Is it Stanley?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-
Andy Bernard: 'Noishe.'
Jim Halpert: -I just don't know if I can do it.
Andy Bernard: That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?
Jim Halpert: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Andy Bernard: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. (imitates punching on Jim's fist) Ah, what'd you do that for?
Jim Halpert: (both laugh) You know that I was doin' this.
Andy Bernard: (fist pound each other) Totally.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry, Michael
Charles Minor: (Charles comes from around corner) Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Charles Minor: No, Mich-Michael.
Michael Scott: Dwight, run!
Charles Minor: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Michael Scott: You be cool.
Charles Minor: Yes.
Michael Scott: Just-what's going on?
Charles Minor: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Michael Scott: Mm-do... Dwight would not-
Charles Minor: He did.
Dwight Schrute: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Charles Minor: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: I. Understand. Nothing.
Michael Scott: (Michael storms into office) Wow.
Pam Beesly: Michael, are you alright?
Michael Scott: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam Beesly: Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam Beesly: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert: (Jim slams lunchbag on table) I just totally blew a sales call.
Andy Bernard: Bro, I do that all the time.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Andy Bernard: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?
Jim Halpert: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Andy Bernard: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim Halpert: Forget it.
Andy Bernard: Jim.
Jim Halpert: I said forget it. (drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it)
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, traitor.
Dwight Schrute: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael Scott: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam Beesly: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan Howard: Finally.
Michael Scott: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. (hangs up) Bill Cosby.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Mr. Schofield, please?
Secretary: He's in a meeting.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit! (hangs up)
Michael Scott: (on phone) Is Mr. Schofield there?
Automated phone voice: If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. (Michael sighs, hangs up phone)
Stanley Hudson: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Dwight Schrute: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Phyllis Vance: You sound worried.
Dwight Schrute: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! (gibberish sounds)
Michael Scott: (on phone) Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. (referencing rolodex card) Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?
Ryan Howard: Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.
Pam Beesly: I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.
Michael Scott: Wow. High score?
Dwight Schrute: And no, I cannot lower my current prices. (phone rings) Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.
Dwight Schrute: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...
Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
Dwight Schrute: I would like to arrange a truce.
Michael Scott: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
Dwight Schrute: Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael Scott: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Dwight Schrute: In which direction?
Michael Scott: Toward the sun.
Dwight Schrute: At what time?
Michael Scott: Noon.
Dwight Schrute: That-
Michael Scott: You have two seconds. (Dwight starts running)
Dwight Schrute: (looking at his watch) Michael. (Madge walks by) Sorry.
Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: I hope you're not recording this conversation. (Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt) Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
Dwight Schrute: You were making me do things that were not all right.
Michael Scott: So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
Dwight Schrute: And not come through for you?
Michael Scott: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
Dwight Schrute: I want a truce.
Michael Scott: I do too.
Dwight Schrute: Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.
Michael Scott: Cooper's.
Dwight Schrute: I had fish yesterday.
Michael Scott: Damn it.
Michael Scott: (Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings) Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.
Michael Scott: Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
Dwight Schrute: I hit a bear.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. (throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office) Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?
Michael Scott: Yeah, sure.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? (takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex)
Michael Scott: Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
Pam Beesly: (Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office) Sounds neat.
Ryan Howard: We can spend a couple days there.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Michael Scott: (Michael answers phone) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Did you enjoy your lunch?
Michael Scott: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Michael Scott: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. (Pam holds up sign saying "Dwight did it!!") You?
Dwight Schrute: Me.
Michael Scott: What about our truce?
Dwight Schrute: I broke it.
Michael Scott: On purpose?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight Schrute: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael Scott: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight Schrute: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael Scott: Oh. (bites into sandwich, looks disgusted) Bastard!
Dwight Schrute: Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is (reading off rolodex card) Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.
Dwight Schrute: (holding up rolodex card) Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." (turns card over) "Tall" and "beets."
Dwight Schrute: And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. (hangs up and answers cell phone) I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.
Michael Scott: Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
Dwight Schrute: Sure. That'd be fine.
Michael Scott: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.
Dwight Schrute: This is war and that is what happens.
Michael Scott: Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
Michael Scott: Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
Dwight Schrute: Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Secretary: Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Dwight Schrute: Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!
Michael Scott: Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield: Michael, good to see you.
Michael Scott: Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. (Dwight runs out of the office)
Michael Scott: (on speakerphone in Dwight's car) Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight Schrute: Are you saying you invented paper?
Andy Bernard: (hugging a crying Jim) Okay, okay.
Jim Halpert: Oh, God.
Andy Bernard: Okay, Tuna.
Kelly Kapoor: Hey, guys.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Andy Bernard: Hello.
Andy Bernard: Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.
Kevin Malone: I guess I could be nicer.
Phyllis Vance: Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.
Andy Bernard: Oh, really?
Phyllis Vance: Mm-hmm. (looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen)
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?
Jim Halpert: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Andy Bernard: Uh, that's not what was-
Jim Halpert: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.
Andy Bernard: Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.
Michael Scott: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight Schrute: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! (runs into office)
Secretary: Uh, hello, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Spin move.
Secretary: Oh-
Dwight Schrute: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Michael Scott: That's very rude.
Dwight Schrute: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Dwight Schrute: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael Scott: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...
Dwight Schrute: Come on.
Michael Scott: Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight Schrute: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Michael Scott: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Mr. Schofield: Uh, ok, sure.
Michael Scott: Good, good, good. I will see you.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
Dwight Schrute: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?
Michael Scott: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.
Ryan & Michael & Pam: (Muffled speech, all have mouths stuffed with cheese puffs)
Michael Scott: (Answers the phone and talks with mouth full)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 5. Heavy Competition is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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