Broke

Vol. 5 · Issue 23The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Here's the full script from the moment the Michael Scott Paper Company almost went under. You can read every line from the intense buyout negotiations and see how the turntables finally turned. It's the best way to catch all the Ryan and Pam moments without the 4:30 AM wake-up call.

Scene 01

1 line

Michael Scott

It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.

Scene 02

1 line

Michael Scott

(honking horn) Time to make the donuts. (laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van) Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. (does it again) De-nied!

Scene 03

1 line

Ryan Howard

We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.

Scene 04

1 line

Michael Scott

Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! (laughs) Hey Pam.

Scene 05

1 line

Pam Beesly

We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.

Scene 06

6 lines

Pam Beesly

You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?

Michael Scott

Milk and sugar.

Pam Beesly

Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. (drinks from coffee cup) Wait, is this just milk and sugar?

Michael Scott

That's what I said.

Pam Beesly

Do you drink this every day?

Michael Scott

Every morning.

Scene 07

2 lines

Michael Scott

We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those.

Pam Beesly

(an Asian lady tries to enter the van) Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.

Scene 08

12 lines

Charles Minor

Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?

Jim Halpert

Oh, they're my client.

Charles Minor

No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.

Dwight Schrute

(sighs) Shame, Jim. I expected more.

Charles Minor

In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.

Stanley Hudson

What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.

Charles Minor

I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.

Andy Bernard

Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.

Charles Minor

Why are you telling me this?

Andy Bernard

I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.

Charles Minor

Is this something you really want to have said?

Andy Bernard

I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.

Scene 09

6 lines

Charles Minor

I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-

Dwight Schrute

It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.

Charles Minor

I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--

Angela Martin

Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.

Charles Minor

Uh, well said, Angela.

Dwight Schrute

Been there, done that.

Scene 10

10 lines

Michael Scott

You know what we need? We need some couches in here.

Ryan Howard

Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.

Michael Scott

Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.

Pam Beesly

Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?

Michael Scott

Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.

Pam Beesly

Yeah, I know what a loft is.

Ryan Howard

Most dorm rooms don't even have that.

Michael Scott

Most do in the magazines.

Ryan Howard

Let's see what a delivery guy costs.

Michael Scott

We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.

Scene 11

9 lines

David Wallace

Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.

Jim Halpert

Hey, David.

Dwight Schrute

David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.

Charles Minor

There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?

David Wallace

A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.

Charles Minor

Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.

David Wallace

Hmmm.

Charles Minor

I feel like I should be thanking you.

David Wallace

Uh.

Scene 12

1 line

Jim Halpert

(makes kissing, puckering sound)

Scene 13

20 lines

Charles Minor

The conference room is ready if we want to get started.

David Wallace

You know, I just want to address everyone first.

Charles Minor

Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.

David Wallace

Hi, everyone.

Kelly Kapoor

Hi.

David Wallace

Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--

Kevin Malone

Hi.

David Wallace

Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.

Charles Minor

Right.

David Wallace

Okay?

Phyllis Vance

Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.

David Wallace

I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?

Charles Minor

Uh, Jim hold on. (whispers) You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?

David Wallace

Hmm.

Charles Minor

Yeah, Jim--

David Wallace

I find that extraordinarily surprising.

Charles Minor

He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment.

David Wallace

We'll bring them both in.

Charles Minor

Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.

Dwight Schrute

Come along, afterthought.

Scene 14

29 lines

Michael Scott

How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?

Financial Guy

Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--

Michael Scott

They are correct, sir.

Financial Guy

Then you can't afford to pay him anything.

Michael Scott

Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.

Financial Guy

Your prices are too low.

Michael Scott

Lowest in town.

Financial Guy

Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?

Pam Beesly

Corporate greed?

Ryan Howard

Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.

Financial Guy

Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.

Ryan Howard

Yeah.

Financial Guy

But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.

Michael Scott

Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.

Ryan Howard

Explain what you think that is.

Financial Guy

Okay.

Michael Scott

Explain that.

Financial Guy

As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...

Michael Scott

Well, we don't--

Financial Guy

...business expansion--

Michael Scott

Whatever, yeah.

Financial Guy

At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.

Michael Scott

Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.

Financial Guy

They're actually putting you out of business.

Michael Scott

Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.

It's a program. There's no such thing--

Michael Scott

Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.

(presses key on computer) Crunch.

Pam Beesly

Did it help?

Scene 15

1 line

Michael Scott

Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. (laughs) Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.

Scene 16

1 line

Pam Beesly

When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you."

Scene 17

13 lines

Jim Halpert

Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?

Charles Minor

God, no.

Dwight Schrute

Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.

Charles Minor

I agree.

Dwight Schrute

I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.

Jim Halpert

Really? Does he do good work or--

Dwight Schrute

(scoffs) No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. (sighs)

David Wallace

Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.

Dwight Schrute

Five minutes exactly.

Charles Minor

Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?

Dwight Schrute

Sure thing.

Charles Minor

Yeah.

Jim Halpert

(opens phone) Hey. I saw you called.

Scene 18

9 lines

Jim Halpert

You're just out of business?

Pam Beesly

We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Jim Halpert

Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.

Pam Beesly

That's what Michael said.

Jim Halpert

Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. (cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot") Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring.

Pam Beesly

I like it.

Jim Halpert

Good, right? Hello.

Dwight Schrute

(over phone) Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.

Jim Halpert

Oh, okay. (kisses Pam) Don't worry about it.

Scene 19

14 lines

Michael Scott

Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?

Pam Beesly

Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.

Michael Scott

I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.

Pam Beesly

You want to hear something sad?

Michael Scott

I would love that.

Pam Beesly

So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.

Ryan Howard

I never went to Thailand.

Pam Beesly

Really?

Ryan Howard

I went to Fort Lauderdale.

Michael Scott

Was it nice?

Ryan Howard

Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.

Michael Scott

I love Pad Thai.

Ryan Howard

You've never had Pad Thai.

Michael Scott

No. There's a lot I haven't done.

Scene 20

17 lines

Jim Halpert

Now, this is the projection over three months?

Charles Minor

We still have the inventory sitting-- (everyone starts chattering at once)

Dwight Schrute

Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say-- can I say something?

David Wallace

Yeah, yeah.

Dwight Schrute

There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.

David Wallace

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.

Charles Minor

Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.

Jim Halpert

Oh, but you didn't.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.

Charles Minor

What is wrong with you?

David Wallace

Jim, you're-- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?

Jim Halpert

Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so--

David Wallace

Yeah.

Jim Halpert

I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.

Dwight Schrute

You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?

Charles Minor

No, Jim... I think you should go.

Jim Halpert

Okay, so I'll be back in, um-- back in a bit.

Scene 21

23 lines

Michael Scott

(knocking on door) Hmm?

Jim Halpert

Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?

Michael Scott

We're not hiring, Jim.

Jim Halpert

Actually here for something else.

Michael Scott

Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.

Jim Halpert

You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.

Ryan Howard

Oh, that's nice.

Jim Halpert

David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.

Pam Beesly

Seriously? Are you being serious?

Ryan Howard

He's bluffing, Pam.

Michael Scott

Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl--

Jim Halpert

Oh!

Michael Scott

No-- We don't have--

Jim Halpert

Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.

Michael Scott

(stammers) Uh... Yes.

Pam Beesly

Yes.

Ryan Howard

Maybe.

Jim Halpert

Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.

Michael Scott

Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.

Jim Halpert

Missed the last part.

Michael Scott

That's a pun.

Jim Halpert

Got it.

Michael Scott

Yep. Oh... wow.

Scene 22

6 lines

Ryan Howard

Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.

Michael Scott

Of course not.

Ryan Howard

That we're having any problem at all.

Michael Scott

Nope, nope, nope.

Pam Beesly

Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.

Michael Scott

Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.

Scene 23

8 lines

Michael Scott

Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.

Pam Beesly

No, Michael.

Michael Scott

Ah...

Ryan Howard

No, man. You're-- you're fine.

Pam Beesly

We have to come from a position of strength.

Michael Scott

I'm good, I'm good.

Ryan Howard

Just put it out of your mind.

Michael Scott

It is. I'm good.

Scene 24

3 lines

Michael Scott

Hello.

Erin Hannon

Hi.

Michael Scott

Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. (David and Charles walk out of conference room) Well, well, well. How the turntables...

Scene 25

6 lines

David Wallace

Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.

Michael Scott

And we are prepared to reject that offer.

Ryan Howard

Michael, you haven't even heard--

Michael Scott

Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?

David Wallace

$12,000.

Michael Scott

Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.

Scene 26

2 lines

Angela Martin

What do you hear?

Kelly Kapoor

(mumbles)

Scene 27

13 lines

David Wallace

Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.

Michael Scott

I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.

David Wallace

Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?

Michael Scott

(stutters) We'll have to talk--

Charles Minor

What?

Ryan Howard

We'll have to talk about this.

Pam Beesly

Mm-hmm.

Michael Scott

Just amongst ourselves.

David Wallace

Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.

Michael Scott

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Pam Beesly

$60,000.

Michael Scott

We are so rich.

Pam Beesly

Are you kidding me?

Scene 28

22 lines

Dwight Schrute

Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. (gets up and runs to kitchen) Charles.

Charles Minor

Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.

Charles Minor

What? How'd you hear that?

Dwight Schrute

They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.

Jim Halpert

Great work Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Quiet you.

Jim Halpert

No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?

Dwight Schrute

You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.

Charles Minor

So how long can they stay viable?

Jim Halpert

What are your top five cases?

Dwight Schrute

I'm gonna answer Charles first.

Jim Halpert

Because you've solved zero cases.

Dwight Schrute

Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.

Charles Minor

Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.

Dwight Schrute

Done.

Charles Minor

Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?

Dwight Schrute

I'm not-- I'm not following you.

Charles Minor

You two are morons.

Jim Halpert

Got it.

Dwight Schrute

Wh--

Charles Minor

Get out.

Scene 29

15 lines

David Wallace

So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?

Michael Scott

No.

Pam Beesly

Can you give us another minute please?

David Wallace

Yeah.

Charles Minor

Oh, okay.

Pam Beesly

Michael.

Ryan Howard

How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.

Pam Beesly

Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?

Michael Scott

It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?

Ryan Howard

I would rather have $60,000, honestly.

Pam Beesly

No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.

Michael Scott

Agreed?

Pam Beesly

Agreed. But that's all, okay.

Ryan Howard

Yeah, discuss these things--

Michael Scott

Shut up, shut up. Hello?

Scene 30

32 lines

Michael Scott

I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.

Charles Minor

They don't make them anymore.

Michael Scott

And I want Charles gone.

David Wallace

I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.

Charles Minor

That's very kind of you to say, David.

Michael Scott

I need him gone.

David Wallace

No.

Michael Scott

Okay, then I want Pam back.

David Wallace

Uh, you already have a new receptionist--

Michael Scott

Sales.

Pam Beesly

Thank you.

David Wallace

Pam's not a salesperson.

Michael Scott

Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.

Pam Beesly

That's right.

David Wallace

Okay. Please continue.

Michael Scott

And Ryan.

David Wallace

Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--

Michael Scott

You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.

David Wallace

Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--

Michael Scott

And dental this time.

Michael Scott

These are our demands.

David Wallace

Your company cannot be worth that much.

Michael Scott

Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.

David Wallace

Michael--

Michael Scott

That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.

David Wallace

Okay. Deal. Okay?

Michael Scott

Can we have the room please?

David Wallace

Yeah. (David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds)

Ryan Howard

Yes, yes, yes!

Pam Beesly

Alright!

Michael Scott

Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!

Scene 31

1 line

Michael Scott

There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.

Scene 32

2 lines

Charles Minor

Hey, guys--

Michael Scott

No, no. You're done.