Scene 011 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (honking horn) Time to make the donuts. (laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van) Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. (does it again) De-nied!
Scene 031 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Scene 041 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! (laughs) Hey Pam.
Scene 051 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Scene 066 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Milk and sugar.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. (drinks from coffee cup) Wait, is this just milk and sugar?Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what I said.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you drink this every day?Michael ScottOpen quote: Every morning.
Scene 072 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (an Asian lady tries to enter the van) Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.
Scene 0812 linesCharles MinerOpen quote: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, they're my client.Charles MinerOpen quote: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sighs) Shame, Jim. I expected more.Charles MinerOpen quote: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.Charles MinerOpen quote: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.Charles MinerOpen quote: Why are you telling me this?Andy BernardOpen quote: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.Charles MinerOpen quote: Is this something you really want to have said?Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.
Scene 096 linesCharles MinerOpen quote: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.Charles MinerOpen quote: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--Angela MartinOpen quote: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.Charles MinerOpen quote: Uh, well said, Angela.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Been there, done that.
Scene 1010 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?Michael ScottOpen quote: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, I know what a loft is.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Most do in the magazines.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.Michael ScottOpen quote: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
Scene 119 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, David.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.Charles MinerOpen quote: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?David WallaceOpen quote: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.Charles MinerOpen quote: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.David WallaceOpen quote: Hmmm.Charles MinerOpen quote: I feel like I should be thanking you.David WallaceOpen quote: Uh.
Scene 1320 linesCharles MinerOpen quote: The conference room is ready if we want to get started.David WallaceOpen quote: You know, I just want to address everyone first.Charles MinerOpen quote: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.David WallaceOpen quote: Hi, everyone.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Hi.David WallaceOpen quote: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hi.David WallaceOpen quote: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.Charles MinerOpen quote: Right.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.David WallaceOpen quote: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?Charles MinerOpen quote: Uh, Jim hold on. (whispers) You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?David WallaceOpen quote: Hmm.Charles MinerOpen quote: Yeah, Jim--David WallaceOpen quote: I find that extraordinarily surprising.Charles MinerOpen quote: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment.David WallaceOpen quote: We'll bring them both in.Charles MinerOpen quote: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come along, afterthought.
Scene 1429 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?Financial GuyOpen quote: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--Michael ScottOpen quote: They are correct, sir.Financial GuyOpen quote: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.Financial GuyOpen quote: Your prices are too low.Michael ScottOpen quote: Lowest in town.Financial GuyOpen quote: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Corporate greed?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.Financial GuyOpen quote: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Financial GuyOpen quote: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Explain what you think that is.Financial GuyOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Explain that.Financial GuyOpen quote: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we don't--Financial GuyOpen quote: ...business expansion--Michael ScottOpen quote: Whatever, yeah.Financial GuyOpen quote: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.Michael ScottOpen quote: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.Financial GuyOpen quote: They're actually putting you out of business.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.TyOpen quote: It's a program. There's no such thing--Michael ScottOpen quote: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.TyOpen quote: (presses key on computer) Crunch.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Did it help?
Scene 151 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. (laughs) Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.
Scene 161 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you."
Scene 1713 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?Charles MinerOpen quote: God, no.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.Charles MinerOpen quote: I agree.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really? Does he do good work or--Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. (sighs)David WallaceOpen quote: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Five minutes exactly.Charles MinerOpen quote: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sure thing.Charles MinerOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (opens phone) Hey. I saw you called.
Scene 189 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You're just out of business?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's what Michael said.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. (cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot") Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I like it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good, right? Hello.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (over phone) Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, okay. (kisses Pam) Don't worry about it.
Scene 1914 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You want to hear something sad?Michael ScottOpen quote: I would love that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I never went to Thailand.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I went to Fort Lauderdale.Michael ScottOpen quote: Was it nice?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.Michael ScottOpen quote: I love Pad Thai.Ryan HowardOpen quote: You've never had Pad Thai.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. There's a lot I haven't done.
Scene 2017 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Now, this is the projection over three months?Charles MinerOpen quote: We still have the inventory sitting-- (everyone starts chattering at once)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say-- can I say something?David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah, yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.David WallaceOpen quote: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.Charles MinerOpen quote: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, but you didn't.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.Charles MinerOpen quote: What is wrong with you?David WallaceOpen quote: Jim, you're-- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so--David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?Charles MinerOpen quote: No, Jim... I think you should go.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, so I'll be back in, um-- back in a bit.
Scene 2123 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (knocking on door) Hmm?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?Michael ScottOpen quote: We're not hiring, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Actually here for something else.Michael ScottOpen quote: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh, that's nice.Jim HalpertOpen quote: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Seriously? Are you being serious?Ryan HowardOpen quote: He's bluffing, Pam.Michael ScottOpen quote: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl--Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh!Michael ScottOpen quote: No-- We don't have--Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.Michael ScottOpen quote: (stammers) Uh... Yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Maybe.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Missed the last part.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's a pun.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Got it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep. Oh... wow.
Scene 226 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.Michael ScottOpen quote: Of course not.Ryan HowardOpen quote: That we're having any problem at all.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope, nope, nope.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.
Scene 238 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah...Ryan HowardOpen quote: No, man. You're-- you're fine.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We have to come from a position of strength.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm good, I'm good.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Just put it out of your mind.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is. I'm good.
Scene 243 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hi.Michael ScottOpen quote: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. (David and Charles walk out of conference room) Well, well, well. How the turntables...
Scene 256 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.Michael ScottOpen quote: And we are prepared to reject that offer.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Michael, you haven't even heard--Michael ScottOpen quote: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?David WallaceOpen quote: $12,000.Michael ScottOpen quote: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
Scene 2713 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: (stutters) We'll have to talk--Charles MinerOpen quote: What?Ryan HowardOpen quote: We'll have to talk about this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just amongst ourselves.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: $60,000.Michael ScottOpen quote: We are so rich.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you kidding me?
Scene 2822 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. (gets up and runs to kitchen) Charles.Charles MinerOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.Charles MinerOpen quote: What? How'd you hear that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Great work Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Quiet you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.Charles MinerOpen quote: So how long can they stay viable?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are your top five cases?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm gonna answer Charles first.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Because you've solved zero cases.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.Charles MinerOpen quote: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Done.Charles MinerOpen quote: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm not-- I'm not following you.Charles MinerOpen quote: You two are morons.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Got it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wh--Charles MinerOpen quote: Get out.
Scene 2915 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Can you give us another minute please?David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Charles MinerOpen quote: Oh, okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael.Ryan HowardOpen quote: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.Michael ScottOpen quote: Agreed?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Agreed. But that's all, okay.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, discuss these things--Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut up, shut up. Hello?
Scene 3032 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.Charles MinerOpen quote: They don't make them anymore.Michael ScottOpen quote: And I want Charles gone.David WallaceOpen quote: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.Charles MinerOpen quote: That's very kind of you to say, David.Michael ScottOpen quote: I need him gone.David WallaceOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, then I want Pam back.David WallaceOpen quote: Uh, you already have a new receptionist--Michael ScottOpen quote: Sales.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thank you.David WallaceOpen quote: Pam's not a salesperson.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's right.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay. Please continue.Michael ScottOpen quote: And Ryan.David WallaceOpen quote: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--Michael ScottOpen quote: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.David WallaceOpen quote: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--Michael ScottOpen quote: And dental this time.David WallaceOpen quote: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.Michael ScottOpen quote: These are our demands.David WallaceOpen quote: Your company cannot be worth that much.Michael ScottOpen quote: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.David WallaceOpen quote: Michael--Michael ScottOpen quote: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay. Deal. Okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: Can we have the room please?David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah. (David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds)Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yes, yes, yes!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Alright!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!
Scene 311 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.