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Season 5 Episode 23

Every line from The Office episode "Broke", season 5 episode 23.

Michael Scott: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
Michael Scott: (honking horn) Time to make the donuts. (laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van) Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. (does it again) De-nied!
Ryan Howard: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Michael Scott: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! (laughs) Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Pam Beesly: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?
Michael Scott: Milk and sugar.
Pam Beesly: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. (drinks from coffee cup) Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Michael Scott: That's what I said.
Pam Beesly: Do you drink this every day?
Michael Scott: Every morning.
Michael Scott: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those.
Pam Beesly: (an Asian lady tries to enter the van) Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.
Charles Minor: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?
Jim Halpert: Oh, they're my client.
Charles Minor: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Shame, Jim. I expected more.
Charles Minor: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
Stanley Hudson: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.
Charles Minor: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.
Charles Minor: Why are you telling me this?
Andy Bernard: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Charles Minor: Is this something you really want to have said?
Andy Bernard: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.
Charles Minor: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-
Dwight Schrute: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.
Charles Minor: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--
Angela Martin: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.
Charles Minor: Uh, well said, Angela.
Dwight Schrute: Been there, done that.
Michael Scott: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Ryan Howard: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.
Pam Beesly: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Michael Scott: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I know what a loft is.
Ryan Howard: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
Michael Scott: Most do in the magazines.
Ryan Howard: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
Michael Scott: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
David Wallace: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey, David.
Dwight Schrute: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.
Charles Minor: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?
David Wallace: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
Charles Minor: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.
David Wallace: Hmmm.
Charles Minor: I feel like I should be thanking you.
David Wallace: Uh.
Jim Halpert: (makes kissing, puckering sound)
Charles Minor: The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
David Wallace: You know, I just want to address everyone first.
Charles Minor: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.
David Wallace: Hi, everyone.
Kelly Kapoor: Hi.
David Wallace: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--
Kevin Malone: Hi.
David Wallace: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Charles Minor: Right.
David Wallace: Okay?
Phyllis Vance: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.
David Wallace: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?
Charles Minor: Uh, Jim hold on. (whispers) You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?
David Wallace: Hmm.
Charles Minor: Yeah, Jim--
David Wallace: I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Charles Minor: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment.
David Wallace: We'll bring them both in.
Charles Minor: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Come along, afterthought.
Michael Scott: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
Financial Guy: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--
Michael Scott: They are correct, sir.
Financial Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
Michael Scott: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Financial Guy: Your prices are too low.
Michael Scott: Lowest in town.
Financial Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?
Pam Beesly: Corporate greed?
Ryan Howard: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
Financial Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Financial Guy: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Michael Scott: Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.
Ryan Howard: Explain what you think that is.
Financial Guy: Okay.
Michael Scott: Explain that.
Financial Guy: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...
Michael Scott: Well, we don't--
Financial Guy: expansion--
Michael Scott: Whatever, yeah.
Financial Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.
Michael Scott: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Financial Guy: They're actually putting you out of business.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Ty: It's a program. There's no such thing--
Michael Scott: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.
Ty: (presses key on computer) Crunch.
Pam Beesly: Did it help?
Michael Scott: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. (laughs) Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.
Pam Beesly: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you."
Jim Halpert: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?
Charles Minor: God, no.
Dwight Schrute: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.
Charles Minor: I agree.
Dwight Schrute: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
Jim Halpert: Really? Does he do good work or--
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. (sighs)
David Wallace: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.
Dwight Schrute: Five minutes exactly.
Charles Minor: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?
Dwight Schrute: Sure thing.
Charles Minor: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: (opens phone) Hey. I saw you called.
Jim Halpert: You're just out of business?
Pam Beesly: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.
Pam Beesly: That's what Michael said.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. (cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot") Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring.
Pam Beesly: I like it.
Jim Halpert: Good, right? Hello.
Dwight Schrute: (over phone) Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.
Jim Halpert: Oh, okay. (kisses Pam) Don't worry about it.
Michael Scott: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam Beesly: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael Scott: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.
Pam Beesly: You want to hear something sad?
Michael Scott: I would love that.
Pam Beesly: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.
Ryan Howard: I never went to Thailand.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Ryan Howard: I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Michael Scott: Was it nice?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.
Michael Scott: I love Pad Thai.
Ryan Howard: You've never had Pad Thai.
Michael Scott: No. There's a lot I haven't done.
Jim Halpert: Now, this is the projection over three months?
Charles Minor: We still have the inventory sitting-- (everyone starts chattering at once)
Dwight Schrute: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say-- can I say something?
David Wallace: Yeah, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.
David Wallace: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.
Charles Minor: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.
Jim Halpert: Oh, but you didn't.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles Minor: What is wrong with you?
David Wallace: Jim, you're-- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so--
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?
Charles Minor: No, Jim... I think you should go.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so I'll be back in, um-- back in a bit.
Michael Scott: (knocking on door) Hmm?
Jim Halpert: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Michael Scott: We're not hiring, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Actually here for something else.
Michael Scott: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.
Jim Halpert: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.
Ryan Howard: Oh, that's nice.
Jim Halpert: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Pam Beesly: Seriously? Are you being serious?
Ryan Howard: He's bluffing, Pam.
Michael Scott: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl--
Jim Halpert: Oh!
Michael Scott: No-- We don't have--
Jim Halpert: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
Michael Scott: (stammers) Uh... Yes.
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Ryan Howard: Maybe.
Jim Halpert: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
Michael Scott: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
Jim Halpert: Missed the last part.
Michael Scott: That's a pun.
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Michael Scott: Yep. Oh... wow.
Ryan Howard: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.
Michael Scott: Of course not.
Ryan Howard: That we're having any problem at all.
Michael Scott: Nope, nope, nope.
Pam Beesly: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.
Michael Scott: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.
Pam Beesly: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Ah...
Ryan Howard: No, man. You're-- you're fine.
Pam Beesly: We have to come from a position of strength.
Michael Scott: I'm good, I'm good.
Ryan Howard: Just put it out of your mind.
Michael Scott: It is. I'm good.
Michael Scott: Hello.
Erin Hannon: Hi.
Michael Scott: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. (David and Charles walk out of conference room) Well, well, well. How the turntables...
David Wallace: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.
Michael Scott: And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Ryan Howard: Michael, you haven't even heard--
Michael Scott: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
David Wallace: $12,000.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
Angela Martin: What do you hear?
Kelly Kapoor: (mumbles)
David Wallace: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.
Michael Scott: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
David Wallace: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?
Michael Scott: (stutters) We'll have to talk--
Charles Minor: What?
Ryan Howard: We'll have to talk about this.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Just amongst ourselves.
David Wallace: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Pam Beesly: $60,000.
Michael Scott: We are so rich.
Pam Beesly: Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. (gets up and runs to kitchen) Charles.
Charles Minor: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Charles Minor: What? How'd you hear that?
Dwight Schrute: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.
Jim Halpert: Great work Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Quiet you.
Jim Halpert: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?
Dwight Schrute: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
Charles Minor: So how long can they stay viable?
Jim Halpert: What are your top five cases?
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Jim Halpert: Because you've solved zero cases.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.
Charles Minor: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Dwight Schrute: Done.
Charles Minor: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not-- I'm not following you.
Charles Minor: You two are morons.
Jim Halpert: Got it.
Dwight Schrute: Wh--
Charles Minor: Get out.
David Wallace: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam Beesly: Can you give us another minute please?
David Wallace: Yeah.
Charles Minor: Oh, okay.
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Ryan Howard: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.
Pam Beesly: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?
Michael Scott: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?
Ryan Howard: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
Pam Beesly: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.
Michael Scott: Agreed?
Pam Beesly: Agreed. But that's all, okay.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, discuss these things--
Michael Scott: Shut up, shut up. Hello?
Michael Scott: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
Charles Minor: They don't make them anymore.
Michael Scott: And I want Charles gone.
David Wallace: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.
Charles Minor: That's very kind of you to say, David.
Michael Scott: I need him gone.
David Wallace: No.
Michael Scott: Okay, then I want Pam back.
David Wallace: Uh, you already have a new receptionist--
Michael Scott: Sales.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
David Wallace: Pam's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.
Pam Beesly: That's right.
David Wallace: Okay. Please continue.
Michael Scott: And Ryan.
David Wallace: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--
Michael Scott: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.
David Wallace: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--
Michael Scott: And dental this time.
David Wallace: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.
Michael Scott: These are our demands.
David Wallace: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael Scott: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David Wallace: Michael--
Michael Scott: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
David Wallace: Okay. Deal. Okay?
Michael Scott: Can we have the room please?
David Wallace: Yeah. (David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds)
Ryan Howard: Yes, yes, yes!
Pam Beesly: Alright!
Michael Scott: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!
Michael Scott: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
Charles Minor: Hey, guys--
Michael Scott: No, no. You're done.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 23 season 5. Broke is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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