Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Casual Friday

Vol. 5 · Issue 24Scranton, PA

From Kevin’s heartbreaking chili disaster to Meredith’s questionable outfit choices, this episode is a masterpiece of awkwardness. You can catch every line from the script here, including the tense standoff between the original sales team and the newcomers. It’s all here, from the invisible ink memos to Michael’s high-stakes decision between Pam and Ryan.

Scene 01

1 line
Kevin Malone
At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malone's for generations. It's probably the thing I do best.

Scene 02

4 lines
Michael Scott
Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he's back. Who could it be? I'll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it?
Ryan Howard
(whispering) Who is it?
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Who is it?
Michael Scott
(whispering) It's Michael Scott. (applause; Michael jumps through sign) Hold it up. Conference room, five minutes.

Scene 03

8 lines
Michael Scott
Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan. (scattered applause) And how about casual Friday again, huh? Reinstituting casual Friday? You all look great. What I want to do right now is try something a little different. I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting.
Dwight Schrute
(after a few moments of silence) Wh--what are you doing?
Michael Scott
If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now.
Angela Martin
Okay.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Angela Martin
People are dressed inappropriately.
Michael Scott
Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward. And I want you to reflect. And I want you to say something different.
Jim Halpert
Can you give us a hint?

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.

Scene 05

15 lines
Michael Scott
Oscar, what were you going to say?
Oscar Martinez
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Michael Scott
All right.
Erin Hannon
Do I still have a job here?
Michael Scott
Not important. (everyone mutters) Okay, alright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what?
Stanley Hudson
How is that going to work?
Michael Scott
It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and--
Phyllis Vance
You mean the clients you stole from us.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah , aren't we getting those clients back?
Michael Scott
No, you lost those clients.
Andy Bernard
I call foul, sir.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Michael Scott
Okay, Dwight. Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.

Scene 06

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(to Ryan) Don't fall in love with me, kid.

Scene 07

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Boscov's at the Steamtown Mall?
Phyllis Vance
It sure looked good on the mannequin.
Pam Beesly
Well, you have good taste.
Phyllis Vance
Well, thanks. I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though.
Pam Beesly
What?
Phyllis Vance
Isn't that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didn't have enough time for them?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I, um...
Phyllis Vance
Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.

Scene 08

3 lines
Angela Martin
The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.
Toby Flenderson
Can't you just not look at his feet?
Angela Martin
Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated, aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet. (storms off) Do your job!

Scene 09

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out 'cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in H.R. Later she divorced me. So no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R.

Scene 10

5 lines
Michael Scott
(hands Ryan a soda) There you are, my friend.
Ryan Howard
Oh, thanks, man.
Michael Scott
Pamela.
Pam Beesly
Thank, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yep.

Scene 11

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Fresh hot ink.
Stanley Hudson
"New File System".
Dwight Schrute
Trust me, Stanley, you're going to want to read this memo very carefully.
Stanley Hudson
I am not changing the way I do my files.
Dwight Schrute
No, no. This goes for all of you. Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.

Scene 13

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
I'm sorry you're offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change.
Toby Flenderson
I could loan you a pair of socks.
Oscar Martinez
No.
Toby Flenderson
No, they're clean. I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later.
Oscar Martinez
I don't think so.

Scene 14

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Andrew Bernard.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, what are you still doing at your desk?
Andy Bernard
What are you still doing not at your desk?
Dwight Schrute
Did you even read the memo?
Andy Bernard
All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order--
Dwight Schrute
No, you idiot. There is a code embedded in the memo. Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto.
Andy Bernard
Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Dwight Schrute
Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them, please. God, the simplest thing.

Scene 15

23 lines
Dwight Schrute
We're in crisis mode here, do you understand? The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together. And frankly, I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going while they were gone.
Jim Halpert
Can I address that?
Dwight Schrute
No, you're too close.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients?
Stanley Hudson
It's not right. I don't like it.
Dwight Schrute
He doesn't like it.
Phyllis Vance
You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. (sighs) No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty.
Dwight Schrute
Her face is okay, but-- Jesus! What --what are you doing here?
Meredith Palmer
I don't know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something--
Dwight Schrute
Get out! We need to do something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
Phyllis Vance
Those sound too harsh.
Dwight Schrute
No, I'm not saying we do those things. I'm saying something like those things.
Jim Halpert
Of course. What is like a hostage?
Dwight Schrute
Excellent question.
Andy Bernard
We could write a strong-worded letter.
Dwight Schrute
Words will never be enough.
Jim Halpert
Strongly-painted picture.
Dwight Schrute
No, pictures are too interpretive.
Jim Halpert
Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Well, that--that's a great idea, Jim. Oh, I totally see your point. Okay, we'll talk to Michael directly. So uh, meeting is over, I guess. I'll see everyone upstairs.
Jim Halpert
Great. See you upstairs.
Dwight Schrute
C'mon. (whispers) Guys. Psst, listen. Now is the time for action. I'm talking action--

Scene 16

15 lines
Pam Beesly
That one's great.
Michael Scott
I know.
Ryan Howard
You look so classy in that picture.
Michael Scott
I do? Well--Where is that bowl?
Jim Halpert
Hey, you have a second?
Michael Scott
Michael Scott Paper Company only.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I think you're going to want to cool it with that 'cause it's starting to upset the other salesmen.
Michael Scott
Okay, well---
Ryan Howard
Tough.
Michael Scott
I will--no, no. I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom.
Jim Halpert
This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be--but definitely is--a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now.
Michael Scott
Against who?
Ryan Howard
You. Us.
Pam Beesly
What?
Ryan Howard
It's gotta be because they all want their clients.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.

Scene 18

10 lines
Michael Scott
Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me. You two were the only ones with the stones to follow.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmmm.
Michael Scott
That was us, right there.
Pam Beesly
We were something else.
Ryan Howard
What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls.
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Ryan Howard
Chiklis style.
Michael Scott
Yeah, the Commish.
Ryan Howard
Yes, but Chiklis Shield style. Not Commish style.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah. The Shield.

Scene 19

5 lines
Creed Bratton
It's crazy what's going on out there today, huh?
Jim Halpert
I know. Yeah, it's...kinda--
Creed Bratton
Sometimes it's best just to say out of it.
Jim Halpert
That's true. That's right. Yeah.
Creed Bratton
Want to play a game?

Scene 20

17 lines
Michael Scott
Hey gang. Where you been?
Dwight Schrute
Lunch.
Michael Scott
Where'd you eat?
Phyllis Vance
A restaurant.
Michael Scott
What'd you have, Stanley?
Andy Bernard
I had a salmon salad. With water, no ice. I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it. Her name was Flo, she had black hair.
Stanley Hudson
I had Mexican food.
Michael Scott
So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you? (walks into kitchen) Oh, wow, Stanley. Is that egg salad? Andy brought some salmon.
Ryan Howard
That looks great.
Michael Scott
Dwight, is that a meat sandwich? You guys hungry?
Ryan Howard
I can eat.
Michael Scott
I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich.
Dwight Schrute
It's pony.
Michael Scott
Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
Andy Bernard
Dijonnaise.
Michael Scott
Mmm. Thanks for going out, guys.
Pam Beesly
Mmm.

Scene 21

11 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, Meredith. Can I talk to you privately for a second?
Meredith Palmer
About what?
Toby Flenderson
Your outfit.
Meredith Palmer
What? What's wrong with my outfit?
Toby Flenderson
You--you might consider pulling it down a touch. It's ri--it's riding up a little high.
Meredith Palmer
A bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals, but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? (pulls down dress, office gasps) Is that how it goes?
Oscar Martinez
Meredith, your boob is out.
Meredith Palmer
Fine. (pulls dress up, everyone gasps again)
Angela Martin
Meredith, too far!
Kelly Kapoor
Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?
Meredith Palmer
It's casual day. Happy? (bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office)

Scene 22

3 lines
Creed Bratton
(playing chess with Jim) No. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do this, I'm gonna do that.
Jim Halpert
Well, what if I just do this?
Creed Bratton
You don't want to do that.

Scene 23

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.

Scene 24

41 lines
Ryan Howard
I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart. Is there anything I can do to make things better?
Dwight Schrute
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Ryan Howard
Exactly.
Dwight Schrute
That's my client.
Ryan Howard
Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years.
Dwight Schrute
Give me the phone.
Ryan Howard
Things have been generally good.
Dwight Schrute
Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.
Ryan Howard
Look, uh, Mr. Bart...
Dwight Schrute
Hi, Mr. Bart.
Ryan Howard
At these prices with this service...
Dwight Schrute
Hey, it's Dwight here. Give me the phone.
Ryan Howard
You're not gonna find this anywhere else.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute here. Hey, don't hang up.
Ryan Howard
No, no, no. Sir, don't listen.
Dwight Schrute
I know times are tough right now, and I laud your thriftiness. (tries to pull phone out of Ryan's hand) Ryan!
Phyllis Vance
Ryan, hand the phone over.
Ryan Howard
Stop flustering me, everybody!
Stanley Hudson
Who let this boy on the phone?
Dwight Schrute
Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!
Pam Beesly
You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. It's okay, Ryan.
Dwight Schrute
You're a secretary! What do you know?
Ryan Howard
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
And you're a temp and I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey guys. You know what I want you to do? Shake hands, get over it. That was not a shake, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
We want our clients back or we quit, Michael.
Michael Scott
Who quits?
Phyllis Vance
Me.
Stanley Hudson
And me.
Andy Bernard
Me too.
Michael Scott
You guys gotta be kidding.
Dwight Schrute
No, we gotta be deadly serious. We'll start our own paper company. The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance...Stanley Paper Company.
Michael Scott
I love it. I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money. (throws money at Phyllis) There you go. There's some seed money for you. And you can take it, no hard feelings. But if you stay, I want an apology, and I want a big one.
Stanley Hudson
You want us to apologize to you?
Michael Scott
Yes I do.
Andy Bernard
That's completely backwards.
Michael Scott
It's frontward's.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt. You should be apologizing to us.
Stanley Hudson
That's right.
Dwight Schrute
Right.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy.

Scene 26

11 lines
Michael Scott
I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
Dwight Schrute
Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?
Michael Scott
Whatever you guys did earlier.
Dwight Schrute
I don't know that first things about secret meetings.
Michael Scott
Just do it, okay?
Dwight Schrute
I'll do--
Michael Scott
Get 'em there. Get 'em there.
Dwight Schrute
I'll do the best I can.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute
Deceit does not come easy to me.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay, okay.

Scene 27

3 lines
Erin Hannon
I really love your outfit.
Kelly Kapoor
Thank you so much for saying that. I can't believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate.
Erin Hannon
You look like J-Lo.

Scene 28

12 lines
Michael Scott
So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry.
Stanley Hudson
Are you giving us our clients back?
Michael Scott
If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say, "apology accepted", I think we would all feel better. And then we can break out my gift to you--complimentary white chocolate bark.
Stanley Hudson
Nobody likes that stuff except for you.
Michael Scott
They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, just give us our clients back. That's all we care about.
Michael Scott
Okay. If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople.
Stanley Hudson
So?
Michael Scott
Fine, have your clients. I can see that's what you wanted all along. (everyone mutters "okay") However, I rescind my apology.
Dwight Schrute
That's fair.
Michael Scott
You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Darryl Philbin
What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?

Scene 29

7 lines
Ryan Howard
Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there's not enough for both me and Pam to stay on.
Pam Beesly
He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. He'll make his decision by the end of the day.
Ryan Howard
I think you should get it. You really grew into it.
Pam Beesly
Oh. I think you should get it. You've changed a lot and you'd be good at it.
Ryan Howard
If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Ryan Howard
Thanks.

Scene 30

9 lines
Creed Bratton
So hey, I'm want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed Bratton
I thought you were gay.
Jim Halpert
Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed Bratton
I don't know.
Michael Scott
Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Jim Halpert
Sure. Let me just finish this turn.
Michael Scott
(puts Scrabble pieces on board) And Bingo was his name. Let's go.
Creed Bratton
Challenge.

Scene 31

25 lines
Michael Scott
I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
Jim Halpert
I don't want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan. You know that.
Michael Scott
You're close with Pam too.
Jim Halpert
Eh, she's nice, I guess. You know what? Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list.
Michael Scott
Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice.
Jim Halpert
Well, that's--
Michael Scott
I like his hair.
Jim Halpert
Cons, Ryan. He defrauded the company. He has never made a sale.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jim Halpert
He definitely stole my iPod.
Michael Scott
That sounds pretty biased.
Jim Halpert
You didn't hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious 'cause his mom drives him to work everyday.
Michael Scott
Okay. Pam, pros.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh--New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice.
Jim Halpert
That's not true.
Michael Scott
I don't need to tell you that.
Jim Halpert
I think she'd be a really good salesperson.
Michael Scott
I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam.
Jim Halpert
And I won't.
Michael Scott
Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan.
Jim Halpert
All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow! Whoa!
Jim Halpert
Take it easy.
Michael Scott
Ho-ho, man! Wow. (in a high-pitched voice) Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba--

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.

Scene 33

12 lines
Andy Bernard
You don't understand clothing, Toby. You're dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki.
Toby Flenderson
All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights.
Dwight Schrute
Listen up, Flenderson. You're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, okay? Here are the new rules. Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
Toby Flenderson
All right, come. Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Toby Flenderson
I'm running this meeting.
Dwight Schrute
That's debatable.
Toby Flenderson
It's not. It's not. Sit down or I am writing you up.
Meredith Palmer
Ooh, where has this guy been?
Toby Flenderson
Casual Fridays are cancelled. (everyone protests) Let's just not do it anymore.
Andy Bernard
You're running from the problem.
Toby Flenderson
There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole--except mine, quite honestly.

Scene 34

33 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, can you come in here, please? Have a seat. (clears throat) Well, there's no easy way of saying this. So I think I will just...drag it out. Since the dawn of time there has been--
Pam Beesly
Just tell me.
Michael Scott
I gave Ryan the sales job. There just weren't enough clients for the two of you. So I had to--
Pam Beesly
No, okay.
Michael Scott
I'm sorry, sorry.
Pam Beesly
Okay, I get it. (Michael laughs) Why are you giggling? Is this a joke? (Michael continues to laugh) Michael, is this-- did I get the job?
Michael Scott
(laughing) Yes, you did.
Pam Beesly
I did?
Michael Scott
Yep.
Pam Beesly
For real, you're not kidding?
Michael Scott
No, you--no.
Pam Beesly
I did?
Michael Scott
No, you're the best person for the job. You're going to be great.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael, thank you. Thank you.
Michael Scott
(laughing) Oh, oh!
Pam Beesly
Thank you. You will not be sorry.
Michael Scott
You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh, that was classic.
Pam Beesly
Oh. (laughing) I really thought I didn't get it.
Michael Scott
Oh, really?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. 'Cause you said I didn't
Michael Scott
Oh, man. That was really good. That was really good.
Pam Beesly
What about Ryan?
Michael Scott
I don't know, I offered him his temp job back. We'll see. He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so--
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't fake fire people anymore.
Michael Scott
I don't appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk, you are through here.
Pam Beesly
Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh! What's our receptionists name?
Pam Beesly
Erin.
Michael Scott
Could you send her in?
Pam Beesly
(opens door) Erin. Michael wants to see you.
Michael Scott
Hello.
Erin Hannon
Hi.
Michael Scott
Have a seat.

Scene 35

12 lines
Michael Scott
This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go. (pick up phone) Hank, could you come up here please? Hank is our security guard--
Erin Hannon
Oh, I can go.
Michael Scott
He will be ushering you out. (starts laughing)
Erin Hannon
Oh!
Michael Scott
Oh, your face! Oh!
Erin Hannon
Is--do the people--
Michael Scott
No, I'm kidding. No, you're not--you're not fired. Yet.
Erin Hannon
Oh!
Michael Scott
Oh...
Erin Hannon
Do they not like me, though?
Michael Scott
I don't know, actually.
Erin Hannon
Okay.