Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Cafe Disco

Vol. 5 · Issue 25Scranton, PA

Michael Scott is determined to get the office out of its funk by opening a "Cafe Disco" in his old workspace. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Andy and Kelly's legendary dance-off and Jim and Pam’s change of heart about their courthouse wedding. It’s the perfect place to catch up on all the espresso-fueled chaos and Dunder Mifflin dancing.

Scene 01

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh my God! I can't believe it! I jut won an art contest! (Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money)
Erin Hannon
(whispering) Thanks. I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that.
Dwight Schrute
Shut up.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(laughs hysterically) I got her!

Scene 03

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Not cool, Dwight. (Dwight continues laughing)
Jim Halpert
Not cool. (Dwight still laughing)

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
(caught by camera crew dancing to "At the Car Wash", but laughing) Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate - it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.

Scene 05

7 lines
Michael Scott
Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?
Dwight Schrute
I do.
Michael Scott
Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor.
Michael Scott
Oh, really? Ok.
Pam Beesly
Just sent it.
Michael Scott
What about the rest of you? (complete silence)

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don't know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.

Scene 07

2 lines
Michael Scott
Who else? Who else? Ryan?
Ryan Howard
I don't do lunch. I'm eating five small meals a day now.

Scene 08

1 line
Ryan Howard
Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp, again, I find that food is one thing I can control.

Scene 09

6 lines
Michael Scott
Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
Angela Martin
No. I don't want to stay late to have a two hour lunch.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, we have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott
What?
Phyllis Vance
Work.
Michael Scott
Ugh! God! What happened to you people? (talking like a robot) We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.

Scene 11

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, no. Your battery fell out.
Michael Scott
(still talking like a robot) I... was just learning... to... love.

Scene 12

9 lines
Erin Hannon
Hi, guys. How you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us.
Erin Hannon
Right. I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) Now, how can I help you?
Erin Hannon
Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?
Dwight Schrute
Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court -
Pam Beesly
So someone is going to a court. Big deal.
Dwight Schrute
It is a big deal. Cause there's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate.
Erin Hannon
Sure.

Scene 13

12 lines
Jim Halpert
There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
Pam Beesly
We're getting married today.
Jim Halpert
So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a 3 day waiting period.
Pam Beesly
Tell 'em how it happened.
Jim Halpert
Ok. So, we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.
Pam Beesly
And very expensive.
Jim Halpert
Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great but then you have to invite -
Pam Beesly
You can't leave anyone out.
Jim Halpert
No one.
Pam Beesly
Ok, just get to the good part.
Jim Halpert
Ok. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, " You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."
Pam Beesly
I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Scene 14

18 lines
Erin Hannon
Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?
Michael Scott
No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
Erin Hannon
Well, I like to swim.
Michael Scott
That's good.
Erin Hannon
You have a cool place to come hang.
Michael Scott
If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so...
Erin Hannon
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Wow.
Michael Scott
Now you got it.
Erin Hannon
Now I do got it.
Michael Scott
Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?
Erin Hannon
Oh, yeah.
Michael Scott
You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Erin Hannon
That's rule #1.
Michael Scott
Ok. I love it. I love it.
Erin Hannon
Whew.
Michael Scott
I love it.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There's no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like (pause) Dave died or something.

Scene 17

26 lines
Michael Scott
Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar Martinez
Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael Scott
I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andy Bernard
(baby voice) Wittle Andy is afwaid.
Michael Scott
Andy's afwaid?
Andy Bernard
Yes.
Michael Scott
Are you all afwaid?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Funk is the problem and the solution.
Jim Halpert
That makes sense.
Michael Scott
I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Oscar Martinez
Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?
Michael Scott
Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.
Dwight Schrute
(Jack Nicholson impression) All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
Meredith Palmer
This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?
Michael Scott
No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco.
Andy Bernard
It's like a haunted disco.
Michael Scott
... with coffee but without the haunted.
Phyllis Vance
It's a combo dance house coffee bar.
Michael Scott
It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Erin Hannon
It's a cafe disco.
Michael Scott
Exactly.
Kevin Malone
So, like, a disco cafe?
Michael Scott
Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.

Scene 18

25 lines
Michael Scott
Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Holdin' down the fort.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. This place is great.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Angela Martin
Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up.
Kevin Malone
I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Respect the lei.
Angela Martin
Come.
Michael Scott
Kevin, stay.
Angela Martin
Kevin, come.
Michael Scott
Kevin, stay.
Angela Martin
Kevin, come.
Michael Scott
Stay, stay.
Angela Martin
Come on, right now.
Michael Scott
Cookie. Kevin, cookie.
Angela Martin
Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
(to Michael) Is there a cookie?
Michael Scott
Mmm-hmm.
Angela Martin
Wha -
Michael Scott
Come on.
Angela Martin
Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come.
Kevin Malone
I wanted a cookie.
Angela Martin
Completely unacceptable.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster.

Scene 20

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent - blaring "[Gonna Make You Sweat) Everybody Dance Now", spins in chair] Oww!
Phyllis Vance
Aw, what the hell? (goes to Vance Refrigeration) Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in?
Jessica
Oh, he's on a call.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I'll just duck my head in.
Jessica
It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?
Phyllis Vance
Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there.
Jessica
I'll let him know.
Phyllis Vance
Mmm-hmm.

Scene 21

21 lines
Michael Scott
Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
Hi.
Michael Scott
Hey!
Phyllis Vance
Hey. I like.
Michael Scott
(starts dancing with Phyllis) Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Phyllis Vance
Oh! Mother ******!
Michael Scott
Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!
Phyllis Vance
Back!
Michael Scott
Oh, wow! What did you do?
Phyllis Vance
(moans in pain)
Michael Scott
You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Phyllis Vance
Wow! Sorry!
Michael Scott
Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie.
Dwight Schrute
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who's Phillip?
Michael Scott
No. No. No.
Dwight Schrute
Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
Phyllis Vance
It's my back.
Michael Scott
It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?
Phyllis Vance
Call a doctor.
Michael Scott
We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on.
Phyllis Vance
No. Call Bob.

Scene 22

5 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.
Michael Scott
I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
Dwight Schrute
What do you think history is?
Michael Scott
It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.

Scene 23

19 lines
Michael Scott
(barging through office door) Alright. Here we go.
Dwight Schrute
Out of the way! Move it or lose it!
Michael Scott
You having fun?
Erin Hannon
Oh, my God! What happened?
Michael Scott
What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you.
Phyllis Vance
What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital.
Dwight Schrute
You want to get sick you go to the hospital.
Michael Scott
Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry.
Oscar Martinez
What happened to Phyllis?
Michael Scott
Oh, you know. Nohting. She's - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So...
Angela Martin
Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?
Michael Scott
Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. (Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud)
Stanley Hudson
I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.
Michael Scott
You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Michael Scott
I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
Erin Hannon
Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here.
Michael Scott
I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy.
Dwight Schrute
(exits the conference room in an undershirt) I'm gonna need two able bodied men.

Scene 24

11 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco.
Erin Hannon
You're bad. (they turn off the lights and turn on music - start dancing)
Vance Refrigeration Guy 1
There's girl in there.
Vance Refrigeration Guy 2
Where?
VRG 1
The other room?
VRG 2
What other room?
VRG 1
Down the hall.
VRG 2
There's girls in there?
VRG 1
What'd I just say?
VRG 2
You have another sandwich?
VRG 1
Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.

Scene 26

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, ok?
Phyllis Vance
Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn't doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth?
Phyllis Vance
I do.

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing. (mimics grinding teeth) It's like children singing Christmas carols.

Scene 28

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Yeah! I love the vibe down here.
Erin Hannon
Ashley! You made it!
Oscar Martinez
You invited someone?
Erin Hannon
Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?
Oscar Martinez
I've been here 8 years and I've never... (Erin walks away) Rude.

Scene 29

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off. Alright!

Scene 30

2 lines
Michael Scott
Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.
Creed Bratton
I hear it, too, Boss.

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
It's better than I imagined it!

Scene 32

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
That feels good, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Tell me where it hurts.
Phyllis Vance
Right... mmmm... right there.
Dwight Schrute
Oh yeah. you've got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.

Scene 33

10 lines
Michael Scott
Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.
Erin Hannon
Hey, Angela! Welcome to -
Angela Martin
Stop!
Michael Scott
Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Angela Martin
No. I didn't come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these.
Michael Scott
Oh. Alright. There you go.
Angela Martin
No. You need to sign them all.
Michael Scott
No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
Angela Martin
Look, I hate to be "that" person but I just don't like the general spirit of music.
Michael Scott
I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, " This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you." (Angela shows Michael the papers again) No.

Scene 34

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour.
Phyllis Vance
An hour? I can't stay here an hour.
Dwight Schrute
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa.

Scene 35

3 lines
Creed Bratton
Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here.
Michael Scott
Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place.
Creed Bratton
No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.

Scene 36

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna with the python.
Phyllis Vance
But the rattler's so scary.
Dwight Schrute
No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.
Phyllis Vance
I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. (she starts to giggle)
Dwight Schrute
What's so funny?
Phyllis Vance
When I say it out loud it's so silly. (they both laugh)

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up!
Angela Martin
You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun?
Michael Scott
No... cleaning... up.

Scene 38

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(waiting outside the bathroom for Pam, he is holding a hand-picked bouquet of flowers and pacing) These are for you.
Pam Beesly
They're beautiful.
Jim Halpert
You ready?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
We should probably stop by. It'd mean a lot to him.

Scene 40

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening.
Phyllis Vance
Wanna dance, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic.
Bob Vance
Mind if I steal my wife?
Dwight Schrute
You can't steal what is legally your property.
Bob Vance
Are those staples?

Scene 41

2 lines
Andy Bernard
This dance competition is not over.
Kelly Kapoor
What dance competition? I was just dancin' casual with my friends, y'all.

Scene 42

5 lines
Michael Scott
You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.
Jim Halpert
We're gonna stay.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. At least for one more dance.
Michael Scott
Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! (Dwight hits Michael in ear) Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to "Y".

Scene 43

8 lines
Pam Beesly
This is so cheesy.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Pam Beesly
I like cheesy.
Jim Halpert
Me, too.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I think maybe I want a "wedding" wedding.
Jim Halpert
Me, too.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.

Scene 44

2 lines
Michael Scott
Would you like to dance?
Angela Martin
No. (Camera pans to down to show her swinging her foot to the music)

Scene 45

18 lines
Andy Bernard
Yeah. No. Well, ok.
Kelly Kapoor
Stop squirming.
Andy Bernard
Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing.
Kelly Kapoor
You wanted to do this. Just be brave.
Andy Bernard
I, I - but you're not a professional and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional.
Kelly Kapoor
I'm doing it. No. I'm doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I'm gonna mess up.
Andy Bernard
Are you sure that's not the "gay" ear?
Kelly Kapoor
Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?
Andy Bernard
Well, I...
Kelly Kapoor
Look, I'm gonna count to 3.
Andy Bernard
Count to twen - count to twenty.
Kelly Kapoor
No. I'm gonna count to 3.
Andy Bernard
K
Kelly Kapoor
1... 2... 3
Andy Bernard
Agh! Son of a bitch!
Kelly Kapoor
Andy, that was just the ice.
Andy Bernard
It was?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah. It was.