Every line from The Office episode "Cafe Disco", season 5 episode 25.
Erin Hannon: Oh my God! I can't believe it! I jut won an art contest! (Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money)
Erin Hannon: (whispering) Thanks. I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that.
Michael Scott: Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?
Michael Scott: Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? Ok.
Pam Beesly: Just sent it.
Michael Scott: What about the rest of you? (complete silence)
Michael Scott: Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
Angela Martin: No. I don't want to stay late to have a two hour lunch.
Phyllis Vance: Michael, we have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott: Ugh! God! What happened to you people? (talking like a robot) We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.
Erin Hannon: Hi, guys. How you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us.
Erin Hannon: Right. I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) Now, how can I help you?
Erin Hannon: Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?
Dwight Schrute: Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court -
Pam Beesly: So someone is going to a court. Big deal.
Dwight Schrute: It is a big deal. Cause there's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate.
Jim Halpert: There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
Pam Beesly: We're getting married today.
Jim Halpert: So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a 3 day waiting period.
Pam Beesly: Tell 'em how it happened.
Jim Halpert: Ok. So, we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.
Pam Beesly: And very expensive.
Jim Halpert: Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great but then you have to invite -
Pam Beesly: You can't leave anyone out.
Pam Beesly: Ok, just get to the good part.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, " You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."
Pam Beesly: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
Erin Hannon: Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?
Michael Scott: No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
Erin Hannon: Well, I like to swim.
Michael Scott: That's good.
Erin Hannon: You have a cool place to come hang.
Michael Scott: If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so...
Michael Scott: Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Now you got it.
Erin Hannon: Now I do got it.
Michael Scott: Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?
Michael Scott: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Erin Hannon: That's rule #1.
Michael Scott: Ok. I love it. I love it.
Michael Scott: I love it.
Michael Scott: Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar Martinez: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael Scott: I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andy Bernard: (baby voice) Wittle Andy is afwaid.
Michael Scott: Andy's afwaid?
Michael Scott: Are you all afwaid?
Michael Scott: Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Michael Scott: Funk is the problem and the solution.
Jim Halpert: That makes sense.
Michael Scott: I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Oscar Martinez: Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?
Michael Scott: Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.
Dwight Schrute: (Jack Nicholson impression) All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
Meredith Palmer: This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?
Michael Scott: No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco.
Andy Bernard: It's like a haunted disco.
Michael Scott: ... with coffee but without the haunted.
Phyllis Vance: It's a combo dance house coffee bar.
Michael Scott: It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Erin Hannon: It's a cafe disco.
Kevin Malone: So, like, a disco cafe?
Michael Scott: Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Michael Scott: Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.
Michael Scott: Holdin' down the fort.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. This place is great.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Angela Martin: Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up.
Michael Scott: This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Respect the lei.
Michael Scott: Kevin, stay.
Angela Martin: Kevin, come.
Michael Scott: Kevin, stay.
Angela Martin: Kevin, come.
Michael Scott: Stay, stay.
Angela Martin: Come on, right now.
Michael Scott: Cookie. Kevin, cookie.
Angela Martin: Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: (to Michael) Is there a cookie?
Angela Martin: Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come.
Kevin Malone: I wanted a cookie.
Angela Martin: Completely unacceptable.
Andy Bernard: (Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent - blaring "(Gonna Make You Sweat) Everybody Dance Now", spins in chair) Oww!
Phyllis Vance: Aw, what the hell? (goes to Vance Refrigeration) Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in?
Jessica: Oh, he's on a call.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I'll just duck my head in.
Jessica: It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?
Phyllis Vance: Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there.
Jessica: I'll let him know.
Phyllis Vance: Hey. I like.
Michael Scott: (starts dancing with Phyllis) Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Phyllis Vance: Oh! Mother ******!
Michael Scott: Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! What did you do?
Phyllis Vance: (moans in pain)
Michael Scott: You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Phyllis Vance: Wow! Sorry!
Michael Scott: Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie.
Dwight Schrute: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who's Phillip?
Michael Scott: No. No. No.
Dwight Schrute: Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
Phyllis Vance: It's my back.
Michael Scott: It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?
Phyllis Vance: Call a doctor.
Michael Scott: We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on.
Phyllis Vance: No. Call Bob.
Michael Scott: Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.
Michael Scott: I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
Dwight Schrute: What do you think history is?
Michael Scott: It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.
Michael Scott: (barging through office door) Alright. Here we go.
Dwight Schrute: Out of the way! Move it or lose it!
Michael Scott: You having fun?
Erin Hannon: Oh, my God! What happened?
Michael Scott: What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you.
Phyllis Vance: What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital.
Dwight Schrute: You want to get sick you go to the hospital.
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry.
Oscar Martinez: What happened to Phyllis?
Michael Scott: Oh, you know. Nohting. She's - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So...
Angela Martin: Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?
Michael Scott: Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. (Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud)
Stanley Hudson: I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.
Michael Scott: You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
Michael Scott: I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
Erin Hannon: Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here.
Michael Scott: I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy.
Dwight Schrute: (exits the conference room in an undershirt) I'm gonna need two able bodied men.
Kelly Kapoor: Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco.
Erin Hannon: You're bad. (they turn off the lights and turn on music - start dancing)
Vance Refrigeration Guy 1: There's girl in there.
Vance Refrigeration Guy 2: Where?
VRG 2: There's girls in there?
VRG 1: What'd I just say?
VRG 2: You have another sandwich?
VRG 1: Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.
Dwight Schrute: You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, ok?
Phyllis Vance: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn't doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! I love the vibe down here.
Erin Hannon: Ashley! You made it!
Oscar Martinez: You invited someone?
Erin Hannon: Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?
Oscar Martinez: I've been here 8 years and I've never... (Erin walks away) Rude.
Phyllis Vance: That feels good, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Tell me where it hurts.
Phyllis Vance: Right... mmmm... right there.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah. you've got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.
Michael Scott: Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.
Erin Hannon: Hey, Angela! Welcome to -
Michael Scott: Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Angela Martin: No. I didn't come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these.
Michael Scott: Oh. Alright. There you go.
Angela Martin: No. You need to sign them all.
Michael Scott: No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
Angela Martin: Look, I hate to be "that" person but I just don't like the general spirit of music.
Michael Scott: I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, " This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you." (Angela shows Michael the papers again) No.
Dwight Schrute: This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour.
Phyllis Vance: An hour? I can't stay here an hour.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa.
Creed Bratton: Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here.
Michael Scott: Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place.
Creed Bratton: No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna with the python.
Phyllis Vance: But the rattler's so scary.
Dwight Schrute: No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.
Phyllis Vance: I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. (she starts to giggle)
Dwight Schrute: What's so funny?
Phyllis Vance: When I say it out loud it's so silly. (they both laugh)
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening.
Phyllis Vance: Wanna dance, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic.
Bob Vance: Mind if I steal my wife?
Dwight Schrute: You can't steal what is legally your property.
Bob Vance: Are those staples?
Michael Scott: You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.
Jim Halpert: We're gonna stay.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. At least for one more dance.
Michael Scott: Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! (Dwight hits Michael in ear) Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to "Y".
Andy Bernard: Yeah. No. Well, ok.
Kelly Kapoor: Stop squirming.
Andy Bernard: Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing.
Kelly Kapoor: You wanted to do this. Just be brave.
Andy Bernard: I, I - but you're not a professional and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional.
Kelly Kapoor: I'm doing it. No. I'm doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I'm gonna mess up.
Andy Bernard: Are you sure that's not the "gay" ear?
Kelly Kapoor: Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?
Kelly Kapoor: Look, I'm gonna count to 3.
Andy Bernard: Count to twen - count to twenty.
Kelly Kapoor: No. I'm gonna count to 3.
Kelly Kapoor: 1... 2... 3
Andy Bernard: Agh! Son of a bitch!
Kelly Kapoor: Andy, that was just the ice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah. It was.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 25 season 5. Cafe Disco is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.