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Season 5 Episode 26
Company Picnic

Every line from The Office episode "Company Picnic", season 5 episode 26.

Erin Hannon: (phone rings, whispering) Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back.
Jim Halpert: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.
Jim Halpert: (whispering) Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam Beesly: (whispering) I can do it.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) What do you need from me?
Dwight Schrute: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. (laughs heartily) No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
Michael Scott: (mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office)
Dwight Schrute: (changing the clock in Michael's car) Like clockwork.
Jim Halpert: (silently counting) Three, two, one... (Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly)
Michael Scott: (wakes up, joins in with the laughter) Uh oh. What's so funny?
Pam Beesly: You had to be there.
Michael Scott: Oh yay! Geography joke. (still laughing, notices the time) Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Michael Scott: See you later!
Dwight Schrute: Bye Michael! (all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire) Yeah!
Jim Halpert: (at company picnic) All right, you ready for this?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Wait, should I have left the car running? (both laugh)
Pam Beesly: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.
Jim Halpert: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?
Pam Beesly: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim Halpert: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam Beesly: No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim Halpert: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, you don't grab these (gestures to her chest) for balance.
Jim Halpert: Well...
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna say 30.
Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight Schrute: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph: Woah. Homemade?
Dwight Schrute: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? (both laugh)
Dwight Schrute: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Kevin Malone: Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael Scott: We're just friends. (approaches Holly and AJ) Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Holly Flax: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.
Holly Flax: All right.
Michael Scott: All right. Mmhmm. (both start laughing and hug) Hey.
Holly Flax: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?
Michael Scott: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.
AJ: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey. (hugs AJ a little too forcefully) Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Holly Flax: Lemonade sounds great.
Michael Scott: Okay.
AJ: I'd love an iced tea, actually.
Michael Scott: You can go to hell. (laughs) I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
Michael Scott: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
Charles Minor: Jim. Pam.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how are you?
Pam Beesly: Hey Charles.
Charles Minor: Nice day, huh?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Charles Minor: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. (walks away)
Jim Halpert: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam Beesly: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim Halpert: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Dwight Schrute: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim Halpert: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.
Dwight Schrute: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy Bernard: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight Schrute: Why? I don't understand.
Andy Bernard: If-
Dwight Schrute: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy Bernard: Uh... (laughs sheepishly)
Dwight Schrute: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy Bernard: That's...
Dwight Schrute: Sly dog.
Andy Bernard: ... not what I meant.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, folks!
Michael Scott: What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly Flax: Um, not much.
AJ: We're designing a house.
Michael Scott: Cool. For who?
AJ: For us.
Michael Scott: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
Holly Flax: I remember your chair pants idea. (laughs)
AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.
Michael Scott: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Holly Flax: Okay, yeah.
AJ: You guys are really gonna do this?
Michael Scott: You bet your fat ass we are.
Michael Scott: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly Flax: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael Scott: That's right.
Holly Flax: (in a New York accent) Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael Scott: Newspapers for sale!
Andy Bernard: (playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds) Are you blind?! Are you blind?! (turns attention to a man on the other team) Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy Bernard: Okay, I was just looking out for you. (to Erin) You're doing great, by the way.
Erin Hannon: Thanks.
Kevin Malone: (playing volleyball) I got it. (Kevin misses)
Dwight Schrute: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy Bernard: Are you blind?!
Dwight Schrute: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy Bernard: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight Schrute: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis Vance: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.
Dwight Schrute: (grunts in frustration)
Dwight Schrute: (playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game) Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.
Woman: So what?
Dwight Schrute: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Pam Beesly: Back off, Dwight. (serves) Hyuh! (the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers) What?
Pam Beesly: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.
Pam Beesly: (serves) Hyuh! (other team misses and Scranton cheers) Well, look at that, we win!
Jim Halpert: Nice job, Beesly.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! We advance to the next round!
Phyllis Vance: Oh, Lord in heaven.
Stanley Hudson: (to Phyllis) Had to be part of the group. (laughs)
Michael Scott: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
Holly Flax: Ooh, yes please. (takes a bite) Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?
Michael Scott: (watching her eat) What?
Holly Flax: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...
Michael Scott: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
Holly Flax: Crystal cool.
Dwight Schrute: (playing volleyball) Hit it Andy!
Andy Bernard: Bump! I bumped it!
Kevin Malone: Set!
Dwight Schrute: Don't set it to yourself!
Kevin Malone: (Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers) Yeah!
Phyllis Vance: Ow, my ankle!
Dwight Schrute: What happened?
Phyllis Vance: I... twisted it.
Dwight Schrute: You weren't even moving. (Phyllis leaves the court) Okay, sub!
Angela Martin: I can play.
Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here?
Meredith Palmer: Yeah! Man in!
Angela Martin: Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!
Michael Scott: We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly Flax: (gasps) We could do Back to the Future.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Holly Flax: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. (both laugh)
Michael Scott: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly Flax: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael Scott: Oh! (to the theme of "Jaws") Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly Flax: Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael Scott: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! (both laugh)
Holly Flax: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael Scott: No. No.
Holly Flax: Oh.
Michael Scott: We're circling it.
Holly Flax: Hmm...
David Wallace: (playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game) Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles Minor: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight Schrute: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- (shouts of disapproval)
Rolph: It's true!
Toby Flenderson: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Toby Flenderson: Really, really funny.
Kendall: Really funny.
Dwight Schrute: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. (they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug)
Oscar Martinez: Settle down gentlemen.
Pam Beesly: Good game!
David Wallace: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Michael Scott: (shouts from behind the trees) Uh, it's a sketch now.
David Wallace: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. (applause)
Michael Scott: And now, presenting...
Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! (laughter)
Michael Scott: (imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs)
Holly Flax: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am.
Holly Flax: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael Scott: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly Flax: That is correct! (both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene) How did you know that?! (pantomimes electrocuting Michael)
Michael Scott: (screams) Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Holly Flax: (now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin) Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
Holly Flax: I'm Robert Dunder.
Michael Scott: I'm Robert Mifflin. (pause to see audience's response) Ah, okay. (both run back to chairs)
Holly Flax: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael Scott: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly Flax: That is correct!
Michael Scott: Yes!
Stanley Hudson: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.
Holly Flax: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael Scott: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly Flax: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: (over crowd of murmurs) What is he talking about?
Holly Flax: (pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams) How did you know that?!
Michael Scott: David Wallace told me!!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David Wallace: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly Flax: They didn't know?
Michael Scott: (whispers) I guess not.
David Wallace: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo: And?
David Wallace: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo: (over shouts of protest) You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. (Michael and Holly bow)
David Wallace: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael Scott: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David Wallace: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny."
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David Wallace: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Michael Scott: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
Meredith Palmer: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam Beesly: How do you figure?
Dwight Schrute: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Pam Beesly: Let's do this.
Andy Bernard: (playing volleyball) Jim, come on! (Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers)
Charles Minor: Look who just woke up! (laughs, scores a point on the next play) I've been up for a while.
Kevin Malone: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. (ball hits Kevin)
Angela Martin: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight Schrute: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph: No way! You don't mean that!
Dwight Schrute: Rolph, leave it alone!
Erin Hannon: (hits the ball over the net and scores a point) Yeah! Boo-yah!
Pam Beesly: (running for the ball) I got it!
Dwight Schrute: Pam!
Pam Beesly: (falls) Oof!
Jim Halpert: You all right?
Pam Beesly: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.
Jim Halpert: You sure?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Hey, easy, easy...
Charles Minor: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.
Pam Beesly: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.
Charles Minor: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.
Charles Minor: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.
Jim Halpert: No, uh-
Pam Beesly: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!
Charles Minor: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.
Charles Minor: I guess that's it for you, Jim.
Jim Halpert: All right, you know what? (picks Pam up and carries her off the court) Let's do this.
Pam Beesly: We'll be back!
Dwight Schrute: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! (kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly) I'll get it. (walks slowly toward the woods)
Michael Scott: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly Flax: Hindsight.
Michael Scott: Should've had hindsight.
Holly Flax: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael Scott: I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly Flax: There weren't any laughs.
Michael Scott: No, it was a tough audience.
Holly Flax: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael Scott: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly Flax: Well, I'm glad we did it.
Michael Scott: Me too. (long pause) We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Holly Flax: I can't wait.
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!
Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.
Pam Beesly: How long will that take?
Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.
Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."
Holly Flax: What'd you think?
AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...
Michael Scott: Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Holly Flax: (laughs) Okay. So good to see you.
Michael Scott: Good to see you. (they hug) AJ.
AJ: Michael. (they shake hands)
Michael Scott: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
David Wallace: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles Minor: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Charles Minor: All right! Come on.
Dwight Schrute: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
Andy Bernard: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David Wallace: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Seven? Can I finish please?
David Wallace: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Eight?
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. (goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling) Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! (laughs) Ohh! (goes back into the room to hug Pam)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 26 season 5. Company Picnic is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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