Scene 011 lineErin HannonOpen quote: (phone rings, whispering) Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back.
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.
Scene 033 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (whispering) Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (whispering) I can do it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) What do you need from me?
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. (laughs heartily) No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
Scene 051 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office)
Scene 074 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (silently counting) Three, two, one... (Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly)Michael ScottOpen quote: (wakes up, joins in with the laughter) Uh oh. What's so funny?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You had to be there.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh yay! Geography joke. (still laughing, notices the time) Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Scene 082 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: See you later!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Bye Michael! (all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire) Yeah!
Scene 095 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (at company picnic) All right, you ready for this?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, should I have left the car running? (both laugh)
Scene 108 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Tell them what happened last year.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no, that guy who hit on me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, you don't grab these (gestures to her chest) for balance.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well...
Scene 115 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm gonna say 30.RolphOpen quote: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.RolphOpen quote: Woah. Homemade?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? (both laugh)
Scene 121 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Scene 1314 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Michael, isn't that Holly?Michael ScottOpen quote: We're just friends. (approaches Holly and AJ) Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.Holly FlaxOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right. Mmhmm. (both start laughing and hug) Hey.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?Michael ScottOpen quote: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.AJOpen quote: Hey Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey. (hugs AJ a little too forcefully) Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Lemonade sounds great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.AJOpen quote: I'd love an iced tea, actually.Michael ScottOpen quote: You can go to hell. (laughs) I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
Scene 159 linesCharles MinorOpen quote: Jim. Pam.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, how are you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Charles.Charles MinorOpen quote: Nice day, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Charles MinorOpen quote: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. (walks away)Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you want me to beat him up for you?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Scene 1613 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!Andy BernardOpen quote: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why? I don't understand.Andy BernardOpen quote: If-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh... (laughs sheepishly)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sly dog.Andy BernardOpen quote: ... not what I meant.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on, folks!
Scene 1712 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What is up with you two, Holly?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Um, not much.AJOpen quote: We're designing a house.Michael ScottOpen quote: Cool. For who?AJOpen quote: For us.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I remember your chair pants idea. (laughs)AJOpen quote: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Okay, yeah.AJOpen quote: You guys are really gonna do this?Michael ScottOpen quote: You bet your fat ass we are.
Scene 185 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's right.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (in a New York accent) Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!Michael ScottOpen quote: Newspapers for sale!
Scene 194 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds) Are you blind?! Are you blind?! (turns attention to a man on the other team) Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.ManOpen quote: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, I was just looking out for you. (to Erin) You're doing great, by the way.Erin HannonOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 208 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (playing volleyball) I got it. (Kevin misses)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you blind?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I could've gotten that, idiot!Andy BernardOpen quote: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (grunts in frustration)
Scene 214 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game) Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.WomanOpen quote: So what?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Back off, Dwight. (serves) Hyuh! (the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers) What?
Scene 221 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.
Scene 235 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (serves) Hyuh! (other team misses and Scranton cheers) Well, look at that, we win!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nice job, Beesly.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes! We advance to the next round!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, Lord in heaven.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (to Phyllis) Had to be part of the group. (laughs)
Scene 246 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Ooh, yes please. (takes a bite) Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?Michael ScottOpen quote: (watching her eat) What?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Crystal cool.
Scene 2514 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (playing volleyball) Hit it Andy!Andy BernardOpen quote: Bump! I bumped it!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Set!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't set it to yourself!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers) Yeah!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Ow, my ankle!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What happened?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I... twisted it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You weren't even moving. (Phyllis leaves the court) Okay, sub!Angela MartinOpen quote: I can play.RolphOpen quote: Is there a... Meredith here?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah! Man in!Angela MartinOpen quote: Rolph, did you not hear me?RolphOpen quote: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!
Scene 2614 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We could do a movie... sort of thing.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (gasps) We could do Back to the Future.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh!Holly FlaxOpen quote: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. (both laugh)Michael ScottOpen quote: Could we get a Delorean?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! (to the theme of "Jaws") Dun-der. Dun-der...Holly FlaxOpen quote: Dun-der. Dun-der...Michael ScottOpen quote: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! (both laugh)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh.Michael ScottOpen quote: We're circling it.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hmm...
Scene 279 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: (playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game) Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!Charles MinorOpen quote: Yes we are!RolphOpen quote: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- (shouts of disapproval)RolphOpen quote: It's true!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.KendallOpen quote: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Really, really funny.KendallOpen quote: Really funny.
Scene 283 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. (they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Settle down gentlemen.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Good game!
Scene 2920 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.Michael ScottOpen quote: (shouts from behind the trees) Uh, it's a sketch now.David WallaceOpen quote: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. (applause)Michael ScottOpen quote: And now, presenting...BothOpen quote: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! (laughter)Michael ScottOpen quote: (imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I am.Holly FlaxOpen quote: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.Holly FlaxOpen quote: That is correct! (both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene) How did you know that?! (pantomimes electrocuting Michael)Michael ScottOpen quote: (screams) Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!Holly FlaxOpen quote: (now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin) Nice campus. Think you'll get in?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I'm Robert Dunder.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm Robert Mifflin. (pause to see audience's response) Ah, okay. (both run back to chairs)Holly FlaxOpen quote: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!Michael ScottOpen quote: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.Holly FlaxOpen quote: That is correct!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes!
Scene 3115 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!Michael ScottOpen quote: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!Holly FlaxOpen quote: That is correct!Man from BuffaloOpen quote: (over crowd of murmurs) What is he talking about?Holly FlaxOpen quote: (pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams) How did you know that?!Michael ScottOpen quote: David Wallace told me!!Woman from BuffaloOpen quote: David, is this true?David WallaceOpen quote: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...Man from BuffaloOpen quote: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?Holly FlaxOpen quote: They didn't know?Michael ScottOpen quote: (whispers) I guess not.David WallaceOpen quote: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.Woman from BuffaloOpen quote: And?David WallaceOpen quote: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.Man from BuffaloOpen quote: (over shouts of protest) You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. (Michael and Holly bow)
Scene 326 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.David WallaceOpen quote: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny."Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.David WallaceOpen quote: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
Scene 336 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: How do you figure?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Let's do this.
Scene 3410 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (playing volleyball) Jim, come on! (Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers)Charles MinorOpen quote: Look who just woke up! (laughs, scores a point on the next play) I've been up for a while.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. (ball hits Kevin)Angela MartinOpen quote: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?RolphOpen quote: Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.RolphOpen quote: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-RolphOpen quote: No way! You don't mean that!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Rolph, leave it alone!
Scene 3622 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (running for the ball) I got it!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pam!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (falls) Oof!Jim HalpertOpen quote: You all right?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You sure?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, easy, easy...Charles MinorOpen quote: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.Charles MinorOpen quote: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.Charles MinorOpen quote: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, uh-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!Charles MinorOpen quote: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.Charles MinorOpen quote: I guess that's it for you, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, you know what? (picks Pam up and carries her off the court) Let's do this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We'll be back!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! (kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly) I'll get it. (walks slowly toward the woods)
Scene 3712 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hindsight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Should've had hindsight.Holly FlaxOpen quote: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?Michael ScottOpen quote: I think it went well. I think it was good.Holly FlaxOpen quote: There weren't any laughs.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, it was a tough audience.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.Michael ScottOpen quote: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Well, I'm glad we did it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Me too. (long pause) We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I can't wait.
Scene 386 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (on the phone) Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!NurseOpen quote: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: How long will that take?NurseOpen quote: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.NurseOpen quote: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."
Scene 396 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: What'd you think?AJOpen quote: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...Michael ScottOpen quote: Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (laughs) Okay. So good to see you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good to see you. (they hug) AJ.AJOpen quote: Michael. (they shake hands)
Scene 401 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
Scene 4111 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.Charles MinorOpen quote: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay. Fine.Charles MinorOpen quote: All right! Come on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?Andy BernardOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?David WallaceOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Seven? Can I finish please?David WallaceOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Eight?
Scene 421 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (on the phone) Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. (goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling) Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! (laughs) Ohh! (goes back into the room to hug Pam)