Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Company Picnic

Vol. 5 · Issue 26Scranton, PA

Every line from the Season 5 finale is right here for you. From the awkwardness of the SlumDunder Mifflinaire sketch to the high-stakes volleyball game against corporate, you'll find the full script and the best quotes from Michael, Holly, Jim, and Pam. It's the best way to revisit that huge moment at the end of the episode and all of Dwight's competitive yelling.

Scene 01

1 line
Erin Hannon
(phone rings, whispering) Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.

Scene 03

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(whispering) Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam Beesly
(whispering) I can do it.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) What do you need from me?

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. (laughs heartily) No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
(mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office)

Scene 06

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(changing the clock in Michael's car) Like clockwork.

Scene 07

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(silently counting) Three, two, one... (Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly)
Michael Scott
(wakes up, joins in with the laughter) Uh oh. What's so funny?
Pam Beesly
You had to be there.
Michael Scott
Oh yay! Geography joke. (still laughing, notices the time) Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.

Scene 08

2 lines
Michael Scott
See you later!
Dwight Schrute
Bye Michael! (all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire) Yeah!

Scene 09

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(at company picnic) All right, you ready for this?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Wait, should I have left the car running? (both laugh)

Scene 10

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.
Jim Halpert
Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?
Pam Beesly
Tell them what happened last year.
Jim Halpert
I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam Beesly
No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim Halpert
Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, you don't grab these (gestures to her chest) for balance.
Jim Halpert
Well...

Scene 11

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna say 30.
Rolph
Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight Schrute
Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph
Woah. Homemade?
Dwight Schrute
Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? (both laugh)

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

Scene 13

14 lines
Kevin Malone
Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael Scott
We're just friends. (approaches Holly and AJ) Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Holly Flax
Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.
Holly Flax
All right.
Michael Scott
All right. Mmhmm. (both start laughing and hug) Hey.
Holly Flax
Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?
Michael Scott
A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.
AJ
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey. (hugs AJ a little too forcefully) Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Holly Flax
Lemonade sounds great.
Michael Scott
Okay.
AJ
I'd love an iced tea, actually.
Michael Scott
You can go to hell. (laughs) I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Scene 15

9 lines
Charles Minor
Jim. Pam.
Jim Halpert
Hey, how are you?
Pam Beesly
Hey Charles.
Charles Minor
Nice day, huh?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Charles Minor
Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. (walks away)
Jim Halpert
I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam Beesly
Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim Halpert
No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.

Scene 16

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim Halpert
Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.
Dwight Schrute
Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy Bernard
Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight Schrute
Why? I don't understand.
Andy Bernard
If-
Dwight Schrute
Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy Bernard
Uh... (laughs sheepishly)
Dwight Schrute
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy Bernard
That's...
Dwight Schrute
Sly dog.
Andy Bernard
... not what I meant.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, folks!

Scene 17

12 lines
Michael Scott
What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly Flax
Um, not much.
AJ
We're designing a house.
Michael Scott
Cool. For who?
AJ
For us.
Michael Scott
Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
Holly Flax
I remember your chair pants idea. (laughs)
AJ
I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.
Michael Scott
All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Holly Flax
Okay, yeah.
AJ
You guys are really gonna do this?
Michael Scott
You bet your fat ass we are.

Scene 18

5 lines
Michael Scott
Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly Flax
Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael Scott
That's right.
Holly Flax
(in a New York accent) Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael Scott
Newspapers for sale!

Scene 19

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds) Are you blind?! Are you blind?! (turns attention to a man on the other team) Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man
These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy Bernard
Okay, I was just looking out for you. (to Erin) You're doing great, by the way.
Erin Hannon
Thanks.

Scene 20

8 lines
Kevin Malone
(playing volleyball) I got it. (Kevin misses)
Dwight Schrute
Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy Bernard
Are you blind?!
Dwight Schrute
I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy Bernard
Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight Schrute
It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis Vance
We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.
Dwight Schrute
(grunts in frustration)

Scene 21

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game) Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.
Woman
So what?
Dwight Schrute
Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Pam Beesly
Back off, Dwight. (serves) Hyuh! (the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers) What?

Scene 22

1 line
Pam Beesly
Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.

Scene 23

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(serves) Hyuh! (other team misses and Scranton cheers) Well, look at that, we win!
Jim Halpert
Nice job, Beesly.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! We advance to the next round!
Phyllis Vance
Oh, Lord in heaven.
Stanley Hudson
(to Phyllis) Had to be part of the group. (laughs)

Scene 24

6 lines
Michael Scott
I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
Holly Flax
Ooh, yes please. (takes a bite) Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?
Michael Scott
(watching her eat) What?
Holly Flax
Do you have a script for the sketch, or...
Michael Scott
Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
Holly Flax
Crystal cool.

Scene 25

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(playing volleyball) Hit it Andy!
Andy Bernard
Bump! I bumped it!
Kevin Malone
Set!
Dwight Schrute
Don't set it to yourself!
Kevin Malone
(Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers) Yeah!
Phyllis Vance
Ow, my ankle!
Dwight Schrute
What happened?
Phyllis Vance
I... twisted it.
Dwight Schrute
You weren't even moving. (Phyllis leaves the court) Okay, sub!
Angela Martin
I can play.
Rolph
Is there a... Meredith here?
Meredith Palmer
Yeah! Man in!
Angela Martin
Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph
I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!

Scene 26

14 lines
Michael Scott
We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly Flax
(gasps) We could do Back to the Future.
Michael Scott
Oh!
Holly Flax
We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. (both laugh)
Michael Scott
Could we get a Delorean?
Holly Flax
Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael Scott
Oh! (to the theme of "Jaws") Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly Flax
Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael Scott
Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! (both laugh)
Holly Flax
Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael Scott
No. No.
Holly Flax
Oh.
Michael Scott
We're circling it.
Holly Flax
Hmm...

Scene 27

9 lines
David Wallace
(playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game) Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles Minor
Yes we are!
Rolph
You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight Schrute
Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- (shouts of disapproval)
Rolph
It's true!
Toby Flenderson
Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Kendall
Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Toby Flenderson
Really, really funny.
Kendall
Really funny.

Scene 28

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. (they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug)
Oscar Martinez
Settle down gentlemen.
Pam Beesly
Good game!

Scene 29

20 lines
David Wallace
Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Michael Scott
(shouts from behind the trees) Uh, it's a sketch now.
David Wallace
Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. (applause)
Michael Scott
And now, presenting...
Both
SlumDunder Mifflinaire! (laughter)
Michael Scott
(imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs)
Holly Flax
Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael Scott
Yes, I am.
Holly Flax
For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael Scott
Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly Flax
That is correct! (both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene) How did you know that?! (pantomimes electrocuting Michael)
Michael Scott
(screams) Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Holly Flax
(now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin) Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
Holly Flax
I'm Robert Dunder.
Michael Scott
I'm Robert Mifflin. (pause to see audience's response) Ah, okay. (both run back to chairs)
Holly Flax
Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael Scott
Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly Flax
That is correct!
Michael Scott
Yes!

Scene 30

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.

Scene 31

15 lines
Holly Flax
The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael Scott
I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly Flax
That is correct!
Man from Buffalo
(over crowd of murmurs) What is he talking about?
Holly Flax
(pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams) How did you know that?!
Michael Scott
David Wallace told me!!
Woman from Buffalo
David, is this true?
David Wallace
Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo
Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly Flax
They didn't know?
Michael Scott
(whispers) I guess not.
David Wallace
I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo
And?
David Wallace
We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo
(over shouts of protest) You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. (Michael and Holly bow)

Scene 32

6 lines
David Wallace
How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael Scott
Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David Wallace
What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny."
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Michael Scott
Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.

Scene 33

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam Beesly
How do you figure?
Dwight Schrute
Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Oscar Martinez
Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Pam Beesly
Let's do this.

Scene 34

10 lines
Andy Bernard
(playing volleyball) Jim, come on! (Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers)
Charles Minor
Look who just woke up! (laughs, scores a point on the next play) I've been up for a while.
Kevin Malone
It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. (ball hits Kevin)
Angela Martin
Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph
Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph
What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight Schrute
Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph
No way! You don't mean that!
Dwight Schrute
Rolph, leave it alone!

Scene 35

1 line
Erin Hannon
(hits the ball over the net and scores a point) Yeah! Boo-yah!

Scene 36

22 lines
Pam Beesly
(running for the ball) I got it!
Dwight Schrute
Pam!
Pam Beesly
(falls) Oof!
Jim Halpert
You all right?
Pam Beesly
Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.
Jim Halpert
You sure?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Hey, easy, easy...
Charles Minor
Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.
Pam Beesly
No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.
Charles Minor
I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?
David Wallace
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.
Charles Minor
Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.
Jim Halpert
No, uh-
Pam Beesly
Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!
Charles Minor
Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.
Charles Minor
I guess that's it for you, Jim.
Jim Halpert
All right, you know what? (picks Pam up and carries her off the court) Let's do this.
Pam Beesly
We'll be back!
Dwight Schrute
Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! (kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly) I'll get it. (walks slowly toward the woods)

Scene 37

12 lines
Michael Scott
Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly Flax
Hindsight.
Michael Scott
Should've had hindsight.
Holly Flax
How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael Scott
I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly Flax
There weren't any laughs.
Michael Scott
No, it was a tough audience.
Holly Flax
Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael Scott
Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly Flax
Well, I'm glad we did it.
Michael Scott
Me too. (long pause) We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Holly Flax
I can't wait.

Scene 38

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!
Nurse
To be safe, we should do an x-ray.
Pam Beesly
How long will that take?
Nurse
Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.
Nurse
Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."

Scene 39

6 lines
Holly Flax
What'd you think?
AJ
I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...
Michael Scott
Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Holly Flax
(laughs) Okay. So good to see you.
Michael Scott
Good to see you. (they hug) AJ.
AJ
Michael. (they shake hands)

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Scene 41

11 lines
David Wallace
Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles Minor
Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Fine.
Charles Minor
All right! Come on.
Dwight Schrute
Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
Andy Bernard
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David Wallace
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Seven? Can I finish please?
David Wallace
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Eight?

Scene 42

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. (goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling) Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! (laughs) Ohh! (goes back into the room to hug Pam)