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Season 5 Episode 3
Baby Shower

Every line from The Office episode "Baby Shower", season 5 episode 3.

Dwight Schrute: (looking pregnant) Hey Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
Michael Scott: OK, just remember to keep breathing.
Dwight Schrute: My cervix is ripening.
Michael Scott: OK, good.
Jim Halpert: (drawing two family trees on a whiteboard) Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through (draws a question mark) delusion.
Dwight Schrute: Michael! My water's breaking!
Michael Scott: Oh, OK! OK!
Dwight Schrute: Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Michael Scott: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Dwight Schrute: Right. Highways or surface roads?
Michael Scott: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Dwight Schrute: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Michael Scott: I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Dwight Schrute: It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Michael Scott: (annoyed) Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Andy Bernard: Yes! Yeah. (squatting and pushing) Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Dwight Schrute: No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! (runs into Michael's office)
Michael Scott: All right, OK. (to Andy) Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Dwight Schrute: The pressure! The pressure!
Michael Scott: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Dwight Schrute: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott: Aaaaaaaa!
Dwight Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Michael Scott: Just keep pushing...
Dwight Schrute: (lying on Michael's desk) Hold me!
Michael Scott: I'm right here.
Dwight Schrute: Cradle my head!
Michael Scott: I'm right here, I'm right here.
Dwight Schrute: I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott: (annoyed) All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Dwight Schrute: Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Michael Scott: Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Dwight Schrute: No! I don't want natural!
Michael Scott: No. You have to just push it out!
Dwight Schrute: OK!
Michael Scott: Keep simulating.
Dwight Schrute: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott: OK!
Dwight Schrute: Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael Scott: Keep simulating.
Dwight Schrute: Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael Scott: Yes, I do!
Dwight Schrute: OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Michael Scott: OK.
Dwight Schrute: Ready?!
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott: Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! (drops the watermelon onto the floor) Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Dwight Schrute: Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Michael Scott: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.
Michael Scott: (eating the watermelon) It is going to be the happiest day of my life. (Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly)
Michael Scott: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Phyllis Vance: No.
Michael Scott: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. (more softly) Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Angela Martin: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird."
Phyllis Vance: That can't be right.
Angela Martin: Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael Scott: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith Palmer: Ass...turd.
Michael Scott: I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin Malone: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis Vance: I know, Kevin.
Oscar Martinez: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis Vance: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
Phyllis Vance: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Michael Scott: (banging on the glass) Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis Vance: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. (Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump) Pump it!
Pam Beesly: (on phone) So you know Stacy, right?
Jim Halpert: Right, the one from England.
Pam Beesly: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Right, that style.
Pam Beesly: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.
Jim Halpert: OK...
Pam Beesly: Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Jim Halpert: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Pam Beesly: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Jim Halpert: OK.
Pam Beesly: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Jim Halpert: (clearly just humoring her) No... way!
Pam Beesly: Yes!
Jim Halpert: Ha ha. That's hilarious?
Pam Beesly: No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Jim Halpert: Who, Stacy?
Pam Beesly: No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?
Jim Halpert: Uh...
Pam Beesly: Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. (hangs up)
Jim Halpert: OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. (hangs up) That was a good story.
Dwight Schrute: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Andy Bernard: Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Angela Martin: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Andy Bernard: Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Angela Martin: That's Phyllis.
Andy Bernard: Well -
Angela Martin: Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy Bernard: Why would that make me a pervert, I -
Angela Martin: Well, it does. That's me.
Andy Bernard: That's not you.
Angela Martin: Yes it is.
Andy Bernard: That's mean, come on, that's - (Angela storms out)
Michael Scott: Ahoy, matey.
Holly Flax: Ahoy.
Michael Scott: Ahoy. So, how you doin'?
Holly Flax: Good.
Michael Scott: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly Flax: Of course. Yeah.
Stanley Hudson: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Jim Halpert: (Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller) Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hi, Jim!
Jim Halpert: What do we have here?
Jan Levinson: This is my baby.
Jim Halpert: Really...
Dwight Schrute: Oh no... (Michael enters and notices Jan's baby)
Dwight Schrute: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
Michael Scott: So this is Astird.
Jan Levinson: Astrid.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?
Jan Levinson: Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-
Michael Scott: I could have helped.
Jan Levinson: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...
Michael Scott: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.
Jan Levinson: OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...
Michael Scott: No, I don't!
Jan Levinson: I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.
Michael Scott: Can I hold her?
Jan Levinson: Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.
Michael Scott: (cradling the car seat awkwardly) All right, OK.
Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
Michael Scott: (carrying the car seat) Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
Jan Levinson: trid.
Michael Scott: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.
Jan Levinson: Well...
Michael Scott: (looking at Creed) Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. (lifting the car seat high above his head) Lion King!
Jan Levinson: Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.
Michael Scott: OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.
Holly Flax: You OK? You seem kind of...
Michael Scott: (sees Jan sizing up Holly) I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.
Michael Scott: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin Malone: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott: Uh, duh.
Kevin Malone: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael Scott: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin Malone: OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?
Michael Scott: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. (holding a memo pad) I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.
Jan Levinson: Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
Michael Scott: Whatta we got?
Angela Martin: Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Jan Levinson: Thank you.
Michael Scott: She already has a stroller.
Kelly Kapoor: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.
Oscar Martinez: She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.
Dwight Schrute: Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.
Michael Scott: OK, what else?
Dwight Schrute: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. (straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator)
Jan Levinson: (singing "Son of a Preacher Man" to Astrid) Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...
Pam Beesly: Hey you!
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Hey! You busy?
Pam Beesly: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.
Jim Halpert: OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing "Son of a Preacher Man" and everyone's just staring at her.
Pam Beesly: I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-
Jim Halpert: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
Pam Beesly: I can't hear anything!
Jim Halpert: Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Pam Beesly: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.
Jan Levinson: (now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep) How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...
Dwight Schrute: (heaving the stroller into a tire yard) Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!
Dwight Schrute: (throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence) Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!
Dwight Schrute: (tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires) Playtime is over!
Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan Levinson: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly Kapoor: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: Ugh.
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
Jan Levinson: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. (everyone starts leaving)
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.
Michael Scott: I could have helped.
Jan Levinson: You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?
Michael Scott: (smiling) Uh, yeah.
Jan Levinson: All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.
Michael Scott: (voiceover) I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.
Michael Scott: Phyllis? Could you take-.
Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Darryl Philbin: What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl Philbin: You a baby daddy?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl Philbin: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
Michael Scott: I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl Philbin: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."
Michael Scott: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl Philbin: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
Michael Scott: Well-
Darryl Philbin: You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael Scott: It's- that's different.
Darryl Philbin: You feel connected to this? (hold up his back brace)
Michael Scott: That's not a baby.
Darryl Philbin: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael Scott: (sighs) Could I?
Darryl Philbin: No.
Jan Levinson: (wakes up on the reception couch) Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly Flax: I can imagine.
Jan Levinson: Where's Astrid?
Holly Flax: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan Levinson: On a what?
Holly Flax: Waaa! More paper! Waaa! (she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed) No, she's just on a coffee break.
Jan Levinson: (sarcastically) That's funny.
Holly Flax: She's with Angela.
Angela Martin: (with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table) That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?
Andy Bernard: OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!
Angela Martin: Now. Come on, up here!
Andy Bernard: Look up here!
Angela Martin: Your hand's in it.
Andy Bernard: What? Sorry.
Angela Martin: Yeah, that's a good one.
Jan Levinson: What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me.
Andy Bernard: We're taking a picture.
Jan Levinson: (picking up Astrid) There you are.
Andy Bernard: She's nature's bounty.
Jan Levinson: You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?
Jan Levinson: Michael, I need your help.
Michael Scott: (sees Holly behind Jan) I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
Jan Levinson: Uh... come on.
Dwight Schrute: I like to call this... the bumper test. (drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times)
Michael Scott: Sure you can't stay a little longer?
Jan Levinson: Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go.
Michael Scott: All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.
Jan Levinson: You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?
Dwight Schrute: Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.
Jan Levinson: Ah. Thanks, Dwight.
Jan Levinson: OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me.
Michael Scott: OK?
Jan Levinson: Don't date Holly.
Michael Scott: Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.
Jan Levinson: Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon.
Michael Scott: All right.
Jan Levinson: OK.
Holly Flax: You still gonna be mean to me?
Michael Scott: (just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles) You wanna go out?
Holly Flax: Yes.
Michael Scott: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.
Jim Halpert: (on voicemail) Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Pam Beesly: (on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time) Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.
Jim Halpert: (walking to his car) Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.
Pam Beesly: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...
Jim Halpert: You must be out or something.
Pam Beesly: I'll leave a message.
Jim Halpert: Is it me, or are we just a little off today?
Pam Beesly: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim Halpert: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam Beesly: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim Halpert: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam Beesly: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?
Jim Halpert: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.
Pam Beesly: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim Halpert: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...
Pam Beesly: Anyway, um... I miss you.
Jim Halpert: I miss you.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 5. Baby Shower is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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