Scene 016 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (looking pregnant) Hey Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Contractions are coming every ten minutes.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, just remember to keep breathing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: My cervix is ripening.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, good.
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (drawing two family trees on a whiteboard) Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through (draws a question mark) delusion.
Scene 0317 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael! My water's breaking!Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, OK! OK!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?Michael ScottOpen quote: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Right. Highways or surface roads?Michael ScottOpen quote: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!Michael ScottOpen quote: I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's about adapting to the circumstances.Michael ScottOpen quote: (annoyed) Andy, would you like to have my baby?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes! Yeah. (squatting and pushing) Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! (runs into Michael's office)Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, OK. (to Andy) Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The pressure! The pressure!Michael ScottOpen quote: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa!Michael ScottOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa!
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Scene 0527 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Just keep pushing...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (lying on Michael's desk) Hold me!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm right here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Cradle my head!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm right here, I'm right here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!Michael ScottOpen quote: (annoyed) All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Numb me up. I want anesthesia!Michael ScottOpen quote: Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No! I don't want natural!Michael ScottOpen quote: No. You have to just push it out!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK!Michael ScottOpen quote: Keep simulating.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa!Michael ScottOpen quote: OK!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you have the Sharpie?!Michael ScottOpen quote: Keep simulating.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you have the Sharpie?!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I do!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ready?!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa!Michael ScottOpen quote: Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! (drops the watermelon onto the floor) Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Butter. Newborns are slippery.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.
Scene 061 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (eating the watermelon) It is going to be the happiest day of my life. (Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly)
Scene 079 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. (more softly) Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?Angela MartinOpen quote: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird."Phyllis VanceOpen quote: That can't be right.Angela MartinOpen quote: Michael wrote down "Astird."Michael ScottOpen quote: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Ass...turd.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
Scene 081 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
Scene 095 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I know, Kevin.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
Scene 104 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.Michael ScottOpen quote: (banging on the glass) Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Sorry.Michael ScottOpen quote: Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. (Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump) Pump it!
Scene 1121 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) So you know Stacy, right?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right, the one from England.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. Right, that style.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (clearly just humoring her) No... way!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ha ha. That's hilarious?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Who, Stacy?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. (hangs up)Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. (hangs up) That was a good story.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Scene 1211 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?Angela MartinOpen quote: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.Andy BernardOpen quote: Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?Angela MartinOpen quote: That's Phyllis.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well -Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.Andy BernardOpen quote: Why would that make me a pervert, I -Angela MartinOpen quote: Well, it does. That's me.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's not you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes it is.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's mean, come on, that's - (Angela storms out)
Scene 136 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ahoy, matey.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Ahoy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ahoy. So, how you doin'?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Good.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Of course. Yeah.
Scene 141 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Scene 156 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller) Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Hi, Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: What do we have here?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: This is my baby.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh no... (Michael enters and notices Jan's baby)
Scene 161 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
Scene 1713 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So this is Astird.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Astrid.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-Michael ScottOpen quote: I could have helped.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I don't!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.Michael ScottOpen quote: Can I hold her?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: (cradling the car seat awkwardly) All right, OK.
Scene 181 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
Scene 199 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (carrying the car seat) Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: trid.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well...Michael ScottOpen quote: (looking at Creed) Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. (lifting the car seat high above his head) Lion King!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.Holly FlaxOpen quote: You OK? You seem kind of...Michael ScottOpen quote: (sees Jan sizing up Holly) I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.
Scene 2017 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Michael, the baby's already been born.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, duh.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. (holding a memo pad) I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thank you. That's very sweet of you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whatta we got?Angela MartinOpen quote: Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: She already has a stroller.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, what else?
Scene 211 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. (straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator)
Scene 221 lineJan LevinsonOpen quote: (singing "Son of a Preacher Man" to Astrid) Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...
Scene 239 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey you!Jim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone) Hey! You busy?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing "Son of a Preacher Man" and everyone's just staring at her.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-Jim HalpertOpen quote: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can't hear anything!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK.
Scene 241 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.
Scene 251 lineJan LevinsonOpen quote: (now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep) How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...
Scene 261 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (heaving the stroller into a tire yard) Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!
Scene 271 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence) Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!
Scene 281 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires) Playtime is over!
Scene 2913 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.Angela MartinOpen quote: You gave birth in a tub?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Ugh.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I'm done.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Me too.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. (everyone starts leaving)Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.
Scene 306 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I could have helped.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?Michael ScottOpen quote: (smiling) Uh, yeah.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.Michael ScottOpen quote: (voiceover) I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.Michael ScottOpen quote: Phyllis? Could you take-.
Scene 3118 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey guys.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: What's up, Mike?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You a baby daddy?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.Michael ScottOpen quote: I just saw this baby daddy-Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."Michael ScottOpen quote: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well-Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You feel connected to his baby over there?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's- that's different.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You feel connected to this? (hold up his back brace)Michael ScottOpen quote: That's not a baby.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighs) Could I?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.
Scene 328 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: (wakes up on the reception couch) Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I can imagine.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Where's Astrid?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: On a what?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Waaa! More paper! Waaa! (she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed) No, she's just on a coffee break.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (sarcastically) That's funny.Holly FlaxOpen quote: She's with Angela.
Scene 3312 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table) That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?Andy BernardOpen quote: OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!Angela MartinOpen quote: Now. Come on, up here!Andy BernardOpen quote: Look up here!Angela MartinOpen quote: Your hand's in it.Andy BernardOpen quote: What? Sorry.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah, that's a good one.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me.Andy BernardOpen quote: We're taking a picture.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (picking up Astrid) There you are.Andy BernardOpen quote: She's nature's bounty.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?
Scene 343 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, I need your help.Michael ScottOpen quote: (sees Holly behind Jan) I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Uh... come on.
Scene 351 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I like to call this... the bumper test. (drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times)
Scene 366 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Sure you can't stay a little longer?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Ah. Thanks, Dwight.
Scene 377 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Don't date Holly.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: OK.
Scene 383 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: You still gonna be mean to me?Michael ScottOpen quote: (just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles) You wanna go out?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 391 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.
Scene 4018 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (on voicemail) Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time) Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (walking to his car) Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...Jim HalpertOpen quote: You must be out or something.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'll leave a message.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is it me, or are we just a little off today?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Anyway, um... I miss you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I miss you.