Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Baby Shower

Vol. 5 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Jan returns to the office for a baby shower, and Michael is more than ready to play the part of the dad—even if he's practicing with a greased-up watermelon first. You can read every line from the episode right here, from the "Astird" M&Ms to the moment Michael and Holly finally click. It’s all the dialogue you remember, including Dwight's brutal stroller stress tests.

Scene 01

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(looking pregnant) Hey Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
Michael Scott
OK, just remember to keep breathing.
Dwight Schrute
My cervix is ripening.
Michael Scott
OK, good.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
(drawing two family trees on a whiteboard) Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through (draws a question mark) delusion.

Scene 03

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael! My water's breaking!
Michael Scott
Oh, OK! OK!
Dwight Schrute
Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Michael Scott
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Dwight Schrute
Right. Highways or surface roads?
Michael Scott
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Dwight Schrute
No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Michael Scott
I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Dwight Schrute
It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Michael Scott
(annoyed) Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Andy Bernard
Yes! Yeah. (squatting and pushing) Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Dwight Schrute
No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! (runs into Michael's office)
Michael Scott
All right, OK. (to Andy) Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Dwight Schrute
The pressure! The pressure!
Michael Scott
Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Dwight Schrute
Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott
Aaaaaaaa!

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

Scene 05

27 lines
Michael Scott
Just keep pushing...
Dwight Schrute
(lying on Michael's desk) Hold me!
Michael Scott
I'm right here.
Dwight Schrute
Cradle my head!
Michael Scott
I'm right here, I'm right here.
Dwight Schrute
I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott
(annoyed) All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Dwight Schrute
Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Michael Scott
Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Dwight Schrute
No! I don't want natural!
Michael Scott
No. You have to just push it out!
Dwight Schrute
OK!
Michael Scott
Keep simulating.
Dwight Schrute
Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott
OK!
Dwight Schrute
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael Scott
Keep simulating.
Dwight Schrute
Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael Scott
Yes, I do!
Dwight Schrute
OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Michael Scott
OK.
Dwight Schrute
Ready?!
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Aaaaaaaa!
Michael Scott
Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! (drops the watermelon onto the floor) Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Dwight Schrute
Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Michael Scott
Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
(eating the watermelon) It is going to be the happiest day of my life. (Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly)

Scene 07

9 lines
Michael Scott
Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Phyllis Vance
No.
Michael Scott
Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. (more softly) Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Angela Martin
Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird."
Phyllis Vance
That can't be right.
Angela Martin
Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael Scott
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith Palmer
Ass...turd.
Michael Scott
I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.

Scene 09

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin Malone
But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis Vance
I know, Kevin.
Oscar Martinez
Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis Vance
Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

Scene 10

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Michael Scott
(banging on the glass) Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis Vance
Sorry.
Michael Scott
Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. (Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump) Pump it!

Scene 11

21 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) So you know Stacy, right?
Jim Halpert
Right, the one from England.
Pam Beesly
There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Right, that style.
Pam Beesly
So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.
Jim Halpert
OK...
Pam Beesly
Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Jim Halpert
Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Pam Beesly
No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Jim Halpert
OK.
Pam Beesly
So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Jim Halpert
(clearly just humoring her) No... way!
Pam Beesly
Yes!
Jim Halpert
Ha ha. That's hilarious?
Pam Beesly
No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Jim Halpert
Who, Stacy?
Pam Beesly
No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?
Jim Halpert
Uh...
Pam Beesly
Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. (hangs up)
Jim Halpert
OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. (hangs up) That was a good story.
Dwight Schrute
Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

Scene 12

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Angela Martin
It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Andy Bernard
Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Angela Martin
That's Phyllis.
Andy Bernard
Well -
Angela Martin
Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy Bernard
Why would that make me a pervert, I -
Angela Martin
Well, it does. That's me.
Andy Bernard
That's not you.
Angela Martin
Yes it is.
Andy Bernard
That's mean, come on, that's - (Angela storms out)

Scene 13

6 lines
Michael Scott
Ahoy, matey.
Holly Flax
Ahoy.
Michael Scott
Ahoy. So, how you doin'?
Holly Flax
Good.
Michael Scott
Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly Flax
Of course. Yeah.

Scene 14

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Scene 15

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller) Jan.
Jan Levinson
Hi, Jim!
Jim Halpert
What do we have here?
Jan Levinson
This is my baby.
Jim Halpert
Really...
Dwight Schrute
Oh no... (Michael enters and notices Jan's baby)

Scene 16

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Scene 17

13 lines
Michael Scott
So this is Astird.
Jan Levinson
Astrid.
Michael Scott
Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?
Jan Levinson
Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-
Michael Scott
I could have helped.
Jan Levinson
And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...
Michael Scott
Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.
Jan Levinson
OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...
Michael Scott
No, I don't!
Jan Levinson
I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.
Michael Scott
Can I hold her?
Jan Levinson
Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.
Michael Scott
(cradling the car seat awkwardly) All right, OK.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Scene 19

9 lines
Michael Scott
(carrying the car seat) Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
Jan Levinson
trid.
Michael Scott
...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.
Jan Levinson
Well...
Michael Scott
(looking at Creed) Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. (lifting the car seat high above his head) Lion King!
Jan Levinson
Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.
Michael Scott
OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.
Holly Flax
You OK? You seem kind of...
Michael Scott
(sees Jan sizing up Holly) I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.

Scene 20

17 lines
Michael Scott
Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin Malone
Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott
Uh, duh.
Kevin Malone
So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael Scott
No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin Malone
OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?
Michael Scott
All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. (holding a memo pad) I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.
Jan Levinson
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
Michael Scott
Whatta we got?
Angela Martin
Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.
Michael Scott
Oh!
Jan Levinson
Thank you.
Michael Scott
She already has a stroller.
Kelly Kapoor
And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.
Oscar Martinez
She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.
Dwight Schrute
Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.
Michael Scott
OK, what else?

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. (straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator)

Scene 22

1 line
Jan Levinson
(singing "Son of a Preacher Man" to Astrid) Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...

Scene 23

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey you!
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hey! You busy?
Pam Beesly
Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.
Jim Halpert
OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing "Son of a Preacher Man" and everyone's just staring at her.
Pam Beesly
I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-
Jim Halpert
The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
Pam Beesly
I can't hear anything!
Jim Halpert
Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.
Pam Beesly
OK.

Scene 24

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.

Scene 25

1 line
Jan Levinson
(now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep) How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(heaving the stroller into a tire yard) Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence) Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires) Playtime is over!

Scene 29

13 lines
Andy Bernard
So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan Levinson
Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin
You gave birth in a tub?
Jan Levinson
Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly Kapoor
Um, so you're in the tub with everything?
Jan Levinson
Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.
Creed Bratton
Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson
Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton
Ugh.
Stanley Hudson
I'm done.
Oscar Martinez
Me too.
Jan Levinson
And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. (everyone starts leaving)
Michael Scott
Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.

Scene 30

6 lines
Michael Scott
I could have helped.
Jan Levinson
You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?
Michael Scott
(smiling) Uh, yeah.
Jan Levinson
All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.
Michael Scott
(voiceover) I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.
Michael Scott
Phyllis? Could you take-.

Scene 31

18 lines
Michael Scott
Hey guys.
Darryl Philbin
What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott
Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl Philbin
You a baby daddy?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl Philbin
Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
Michael Scott
I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl Philbin
You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."
Michael Scott
Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl Philbin
Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
Michael Scott
Well-
Darryl Philbin
You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael Scott
It's- that's different.
Darryl Philbin
You feel connected to this? (hold up his back brace)
Michael Scott
That's not a baby.
Darryl Philbin
You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael Scott
(sighs) Could I?
Darryl Philbin
No.

Scene 32

8 lines
Jan Levinson
(wakes up on the reception couch) Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly Flax
I can imagine.
Jan Levinson
Where's Astrid?
Holly Flax
Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan Levinson
On a what?
Holly Flax
Waaa! More paper! Waaa! (she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed) No, she's just on a coffee break.
Jan Levinson
(sarcastically) That's funny.
Holly Flax
She's with Angela.

Scene 33

12 lines
Angela Martin
(with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table) That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?
Andy Bernard
OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!
Angela Martin
Now. Come on, up here!
Andy Bernard
Look up here!
Angela Martin
Your hand's in it.
Andy Bernard
What? Sorry.
Angela Martin
Yeah, that's a good one.
Jan Levinson
What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me.
Andy Bernard
We're taking a picture.
Jan Levinson
(picking up Astrid) There you are.
Andy Bernard
She's nature's bounty.
Jan Levinson
You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?

Scene 34

3 lines
Jan Levinson
Michael, I need your help.
Michael Scott
(sees Holly behind Jan) I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
Jan Levinson
Uh... come on.

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I like to call this... the bumper test. (drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times)

Scene 36

6 lines
Michael Scott
Sure you can't stay a little longer?
Jan Levinson
Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go.
Michael Scott
All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.
Jan Levinson
You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?
Dwight Schrute
Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.
Jan Levinson
Ah. Thanks, Dwight.

Scene 37

7 lines
Jan Levinson
OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me.
Michael Scott
OK?
Jan Levinson
Don't date Holly.
Michael Scott
Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.
Jan Levinson
Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon.
Michael Scott
All right.
Jan Levinson
OK.

Scene 38

3 lines
Holly Flax
You still gonna be mean to me?
Michael Scott
(just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles) You wanna go out?
Holly Flax
Yes.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.

Scene 40

18 lines
Jim Halpert
(on voicemail) Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Pam Beesly
(on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time) Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.
Jim Halpert
(walking to his car) Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.
Pam Beesly
I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...
Jim Halpert
You must be out or something.
Pam Beesly
I'll leave a message.
Jim Halpert
Is it me, or are we just a little off today?
Pam Beesly
I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim Halpert
Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam Beesly
I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim Halpert
Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam Beesly
And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?
Jim Halpert
Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.
Pam Beesly
You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim Halpert
Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...
Pam Beesly
Anyway, um... I miss you.
Jim Halpert
I miss you.