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Season 5 Episode 4
Crime Aid

Every line from The Office episode "Crime Aid", season 5 episode 4.

Receptionist: Pam, line three.
Pam Beesly: Okay, thanks.
Pam Beesly: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Paaam-o-laaaaaa...
Pam Beesly: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Holly Flax: Hello.
Michael Scott: That was really fun last night.
Holly Flax: Yeah, it was nice.
Michael Scott: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Holly Flax: Oh, that would be great. You need that.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Oh really?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Well...
Holly Flax: It would help.
Michael Scott: I, uh... (to camera) I let her win.
Holly Flax: (to camera) No, he didn't.
Michael Scott: So, when, um, can I see you again?
Holly Flax: Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? (laughs)
Michael Scott: No.
Holly Flax: I don't care, free tonight.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. (Holly's smile quickly fades) Because I am busy taking you out.
Holly Flax: (gasps) Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight.
Michael Scott: (concerned) Why?
Holly Flax: I'm going out with you.
Michael Scott: Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...
Holly Flax: (shakes head) No more.
Michael Scott: Tonight's so...
Holly Flax: No more.
Michael Scott: Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.
Holly Flax: Thank you, you too.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Michael Scott: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Andy Bernard: That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) You set a date?
Andy Bernard: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money.
Phyllis Vance: (sigh) What are you making?
Dwight Schrute: A knife.
Phyllis Vance: You're making a knife with a knife?
Dwight Schrute: You got a better way?
Phyllis Vance: You want to talk about it?
Dwight Schrute: About what?
Phyllis Vance: You know I know. (looks at the camera guys) You know they know.
Dwight Schrute: I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.
Holly Flax: Oh, the mall could be fun.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
Michael Scott: Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. (laughs) Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Holly Flax: ...Hell yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.
Holly Flax: Yeah, that's good.
Michael Scott: Probably get soup or something light.
Phyllis Vance: Hi.
Dwight Schrute: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis Vance: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight Schrute: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis Vance: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: I just don't get it.
Phyllis Vance: What don't you get?
Dwight Schrute: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis Vance: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight Schrute: That's really fattening.
Phyllis Vance: No, it's lettuce.
Holly Flax: (playing cards) It's time to go.
Michael Scott: No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. (sighs) (goofy voice) I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.
Holly Flax: You're crazy, go crazy.
Holly Flax: (walking out of the building) Oh, I forgot my keys.
Michael Scott: Do you need 'em?
Holly Flax: Yeah, lets go grab them.
Michael Scott: All right.
Holly Flax: Oh, after vous. (walking into the girls bathroom)
Michael Scott: Thank vous. (chuckling) What? Oh! (kissing)
Holly Flax: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?
Michael Scott: Not if we turn these dials (getting louder) all the way down. (whispering) Now they can't hear us at all.
Holly Flax: Oh, good.
Michael Scott: We're totally alone.
Angela Martin: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar Martinez: Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar Martinez: How does that even compare?
Kevin Malone: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, what happened?
Jim Halpert: We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.
Holly Flax: Can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Oh... oh!
Holly Flax: That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?
Michael Scott: No, did you?
Holly Flax: Michael I think this is our fault.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, my God.
Holly Flax: Oh...
Michael Scott: Oh my God!
Michael Scott: So much for sex without consequences.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) (Jim holds up phone) You are such a dork! Shots!
Jim Halpert: So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) I'm not drunk.
Jim Halpert: I'm on minute six of this message.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Okay, I do not sound like that.
Man on phone: You can take the girl out of Philly...
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Scranton.
Jim Halpert: The future mother of my children.
Angela Martin: I never felt safe here.
Andy Bernard: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Angela Martin: I would very much like that.
Andy Bernard: Yeah?
Angela Martin: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: (cockney accent) Consider yourself... at home!
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight groans) Ugh.
Dwight Schrute: Get in.
Phyllis Vance: Where are we going?
Dwight Schrute: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.
Phyllis Vance: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.
Dwight Schrute: Are you sure that's going to work?
Phyllis Vance: It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...
Holly Flax: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
Oscar Martinez: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.
Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? (whispering) Creed Bratton.
Michael Scott: We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?
Michael Scott: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.
Phyllis Vance: I think it's a fun idea.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Phyllis Vance: We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis Vance: Move on, Michael.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.
Oscar Martinez: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-
Jim Halpert: Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: Do I?
Holly Flax: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Holly Flax: He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael Scott: Whoa!
Holly Flax: (giggles) Sorry.
Michael Scott: Twice. ... Right?
Holly Flax: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Holly Flax: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. (points below his belt)
Angela Martin: I think you have me confused with another person.
Dwight Schrute: I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!
Angela Martin: I heard you. (quickly walks away)
Michael Scott: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays) Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. (music stops) And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. (clears throat) Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays)
Darryl Philbin: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
Michael Scott: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. (cheers and applause) It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. (auctioneer voice) 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-(speaking gibberish) Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 (speaking gibberish) Sold! For 300 dollars to me! (bangs gavel, which squeaks) What the hell is that?
Phyllis Vance: It's the only gavel I could find.
Michael Scott: It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!
Darryl Philbin: Hey Mike, do my thing.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-
Darryl Philbin: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.
Jim Halpert: 5 dollars.
Darryl Philbin: Sold! To Jim.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed."
Creed Bratton: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.
Darryl Philbin: She thought I was McNabb. (laughing)
Jim Halpert: I can see that.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?
Jim Halpert: Another round, boys? Great. (Jim walks to the bar)
Roy Anderson: Halpert?
Darryl Philbin: What's up, Roy?
Jim Halpert: Hey man.
Roy Anderson: I'm not gonna hit you or anything.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I wouldn't-(clears throat)
Roy Anderson: You good?
Jim Halpert: I'm good. How you doing?
Roy Anderson: I'm good.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, okay.
Roy Anderson: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?
Darryl Philbin: Oh, what's up, Roy?
Roy Anderson: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?
Kevin Malone: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.
Michael Scott: Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.
Kevin Malone: Federal and State.
Michael Scott: Federal and State. (no one bids)
Kevin Malone: Fine. (throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand)
Michael Scott: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
Hank Tate: (the security guard) (playing blues on a guitar) Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. (Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy)
Michael Scott: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. (David Wallace walks in) Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!
David Wallace: Hey.
Michael Scott: Hey!
David Wallace: Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!
Oscar Martinez: 100 dollars.
Michael Scott: 100 dollars, great.
Bob: 125.
Guy in audience: 140.
Dwight Schrute: Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Phyllis Vance: Oh dear.
Michael Scott: Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
Guy in audience: 160.
Michael Scott: 160.
Dwight Schrute: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. (the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires)
Phyllis Vance: Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Dwight Schrute: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?
Phyllis Vance: Now you move on.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?
Phyllis Vance: Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.
Phyllis Vance: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. (Phyllis slaps Dwight) And you slap like a girl.
Dwight Schrute: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. (Dwight has an epiphany)
Roy Anderson: What's going on with Pam?
Jim Halpert: Oh, she's good actually.
Roy Anderson: Yeah?
Jim Halpert: She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school.
Roy Anderson: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, she's doing really well.
Roy Anderson: Huh.
Jim Halpert: She's engaged, um... to me.
Roy Anderson: (laughs) Congrats, man.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that.
Roy Anderson: So Pam's happy?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM.
Roy Anderson: Wow.
Jim Halpert: What?
Roy Anderson: I thought you were a friend.
Jim Halpert: (driving) I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. (sighs)
Bob: When are you getting to Bruce?
Michael Scott: Uh, just a few more items.
Everyone: (chanting) Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Michael Scott: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. (cheering) All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?
Stanley Hudson: Do you want us to look for 'em?
Michael Scott: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.
Phyllis Vance: I have my hug.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.
Bob: I'll bid on a hug.
Michael Scott: She's your wife, you idiot.
Bob: 100 dollars.
David Wallace: 200.
Michael Scott: Uh, what the hell is happening?
Andy Bernard: 250.
Angela Martin: What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.
Angela Martin: Not here.
Bob: 300.
Michael Scott: 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.
Dwight Schrute: 300 and one penny.
Michael Scott: 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.
Bob: 325.
Michael Scott: 325, 325.
David Wallace: 350.
Michael Scott: 350.
Dwight Schrute: 350 and one penny.
Michael Scott: 350 and one penny.
Bob: 400.
Michael Scott: 400, 400 hey batter batter.
Dwight Schrute: 400 and one penny.
Michael Scott: 400 and one penny.
Bob: 500.
Michael Scott: 500.
Dwight Schrute: 500 and one penny.
Michael Scott: 500 and one penny. One million dollar!
Bob: 700.
Michael Scott: 700.
Dwight Schrute: 700 and one penny.
Michael Scott: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
Bob: 1,000
Dwight Schrute: Eh, it's not worth it.
Michael Scott: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. (applause) Nicely done.
Jim Halpert: (driving, sighs, laughs) No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And (laughs) we are not that couple. (turns around)
Michael Scott: (whispering) Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- (Holly covers Michaels mouth)
Holly Flax: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.
David Wallace: (after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss) No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 5. Crime Aid is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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