Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
Scene 041 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.
Scene 052 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.
Scene 0629 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: That was really fun last night.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, it was nice.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, that would be great. You need that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh really?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well...Holly FlaxOpen quote: It would help.Michael ScottOpen quote: I, uh... (to camera) I let her win.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (to camera) No, he didn't.Michael ScottOpen quote: So, when, um, can I see you again?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? (laughs)Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Holly FlaxOpen quote: I don't care, free tonight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. (Holly's smile quickly fades) Because I am busy taking you out.Holly FlaxOpen quote: (gasps) Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight.Michael ScottOpen quote: (concerned) Why?Holly FlaxOpen quote: I'm going out with you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...Holly FlaxOpen quote: (shakes head) No more.Michael ScottOpen quote: Tonight's so...Holly FlaxOpen quote: No more.Michael ScottOpen quote: Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Thank you, you too.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're welcome.
Scene 071 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Scene 083 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) You set a date?Andy BernardOpen quote: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money.
Scene 098 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: (sigh) What are you making?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A knife.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You're making a knife with a knife?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You got a better way?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You want to talk about it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: About what?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You know I know. (looks at the camera guys) You know they know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.
Scene 107 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, the mall could be fun.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Holly FlaxOpen quote: We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.Michael ScottOpen quote: Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. (laughs) Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?Holly FlaxOpen quote: ...Hell yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, that's good.
Scene 1211 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Hi.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It's nice to learn new things.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was talking to myself.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I just don't get it.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What don't you get?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why is she marrying Andy?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's really fattening.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: No, it's lettuce.
Scene 133 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: (playing cards) It's time to go.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. (sighs) (goofy voice) I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.Holly FlaxOpen quote: You're crazy, go crazy.
Scene 1410 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: (walking out of the building) Oh, I forgot my keys.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you need 'em?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Yeah, lets go grab them.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, after vous. (walking into the girls bathroom)Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank vous. (chuckling) What? Oh! (kissing)Holly FlaxOpen quote: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?Michael ScottOpen quote: Not if we turn these dials (getting louder) all the way down. (whispering) Now they can't hear us at all.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, good.Michael ScottOpen quote: We're totally alone.
Scene 155 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Great, they stole my laptop.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: How does that even compare?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.
Scene 1611 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, my God, what happened?Jim HalpertOpen quote: We were robbed last night.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Can I talk to you for a second?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Oh... oh!Holly FlaxOpen quote: That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, did you?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Michael I think this is our fault.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, no, my God.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God!
Scene 188 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) (Jim holds up phone) You are such a dork! Shots!Jim HalpertOpen quote: So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) I'm not drunk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm on minute six of this message.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) Okay, I do not sound like that.Man on phoneOpen quote: You can take the girl out of Philly...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) Scranton.Jim HalpertOpen quote: The future mother of my children.
Scene 197 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: I never felt safe here.Andy BernardOpen quote: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.Angela MartinOpen quote: I would very much like that.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah?Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: (cockney accent) Consider yourself... at home!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Dwight groans) Ugh.
Scene 207 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Get in.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Where are we going?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are you sure that's going to work?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...
Scene 212 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.
Scene 221 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? (whispering) Creed Bratton.
Scene 231 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?
Scene 241 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.
Scene 2510 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: I think it's a fun idea.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Move on, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you need us for any of this?Michael ScottOpen quote: Do I?
Scene 269 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.Holly FlaxOpen quote: He knows how to get things. He got me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa!Holly FlaxOpen quote: (giggles) Sorry.Michael ScottOpen quote: Twice. ... Right?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Mm-hmm.
Scene 274 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. (points below his belt)Angela MartinOpen quote: I think you have me confused with another person.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!Angela MartinOpen quote: I heard you. (quickly walks away)
Scene 281 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays) Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. (music stops) And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. (clears throat) Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays)
Scene 291 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
Scene 3010 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. (cheers and applause) It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. (auctioneer voice) 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-(speaking gibberish) Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 (speaking gibberish) Sold! For 300 dollars to me! (bangs gavel, which squeaks) What the hell is that?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It's the only gavel I could find.Michael ScottOpen quote: It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey Mike, do my thing.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.Jim HalpertOpen quote: 5 dollars.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Sold! To Jim.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed."Creed BrattonOpen quote: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.
Scene 3116 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: She thought I was McNabb. (laughing)Jim HalpertOpen quote: I can see that.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Another round, boys? Great. (Jim walks to the bar)Roy AndersonOpen quote: Halpert?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: What's up, Roy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey man.Roy AndersonOpen quote: I'm not gonna hit you or anything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I wouldn't-(clears throat)Roy AndersonOpen quote: You good?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm good. How you doing?Roy AndersonOpen quote: I'm good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, okay.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, what's up, Roy?Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?
Scene 326 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Federal and State.Michael ScottOpen quote: Federal and State. (no one bids)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Fine. (throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand)Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
Scene 331 lineHank TateOpen quote: (the security guard) (playing blues on a guitar) Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. (Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy)
Scene 3413 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. (David Wallace walks in) Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!David WallaceOpen quote: Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey!David WallaceOpen quote: Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: 100 dollars.Michael ScottOpen quote: 100 dollars, great.BobOpen quote: 125.Guy in audienceOpen quote: 140.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh dear.Michael ScottOpen quote: Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.Guy in audienceOpen quote: 160.Michael ScottOpen quote: 160.
Scene 359 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. (the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires)Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Now you move on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. (Phyllis slaps Dwight) And you slap like a girl.
Scene 361 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. (Dwight has an epiphany)
Scene 3715 linesRoy AndersonOpen quote: What's going on with Pam?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, she's good actually.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Yeah?Jim HalpertOpen quote: She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, she's doing really well.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Huh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: She's engaged, um... to me.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (laughs) Congrats, man.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that.Roy AndersonOpen quote: So Pam's happy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Wow.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Roy AndersonOpen quote: I thought you were a friend.
Scene 381 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (driving) I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. (sighs)
Scene 3942 linesBobOpen quote: When are you getting to Bruce?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, just a few more items.EveryoneOpen quote: (chanting) Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. (cheering) All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Do you want us to look for 'em?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I have my hug.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.BobOpen quote: I'll bid on a hug.Michael ScottOpen quote: She's your wife, you idiot.BobOpen quote: 100 dollars.David WallaceOpen quote: 200.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, what the hell is happening?Andy BernardOpen quote: 250.Angela MartinOpen quote: What are you doing?Andy BernardOpen quote: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.Angela MartinOpen quote: Not here.BobOpen quote: 300.Michael ScottOpen quote: 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 300 and one penny.Michael ScottOpen quote: 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.BobOpen quote: 325.Michael ScottOpen quote: 325, 325.David WallaceOpen quote: 350.Michael ScottOpen quote: 350.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 350 and one penny.Michael ScottOpen quote: 350 and one penny.BobOpen quote: 400.Michael ScottOpen quote: 400, 400 hey batter batter.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 400 and one penny.Michael ScottOpen quote: 400 and one penny.BobOpen quote: 500.Michael ScottOpen quote: 500.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 500 and one penny.Michael ScottOpen quote: 500 and one penny. One million dollar!BobOpen quote: 700.Michael ScottOpen quote: 700.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: 700 and one penny.Michael ScottOpen quote: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-BobOpen quote: 1,000Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Eh, it's not worth it.Michael ScottOpen quote: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. (applause) Nicely done.
Scene 401 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (driving, sighs, laughs) No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And (laughs) we are not that couple. (turns around)
Scene 411 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (whispering) Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- (Holly covers Michaels mouth)
Scene 421 lineHolly FlaxOpen quote: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.
Scene 431 lineDavid WallaceOpen quote: (after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss) No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.