Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Crime Aid

Vol. 5 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

After a late-night office hookup leaves the building wide open for burglars, Michael decides to host a charity auction called Crime Aid. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Dwight's failed ultimatum to Angela to Michael's definitely-real Springsteen tickets. It's a great way to catch all the awkward jokes and quotes from Jim's run-in with Roy at the bar.

Scene 01

2 lines
Receptionist
Pam, line three.
Pam Beesly
Okay, thanks.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.

Scene 03

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Michael Scott
(on phone) Paaam-o-laaaaaa...

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.

Scene 05

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
(on phone) Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.

Scene 06

29 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Holly Flax
Hello.
Michael Scott
That was really fun last night.
Holly Flax
Yeah, it was nice.
Michael Scott
I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Holly Flax
Oh, that would be great. You need that.
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Oh really?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Well...
Holly Flax
It would help.
Michael Scott
I, uh... (to camera) I let her win.
Holly Flax
(to camera) No, he didn't.
Michael Scott
So, when, um, can I see you again?
Holly Flax
Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? (laughs)
Michael Scott
No.
Holly Flax
I don't care, free tonight.
Michael Scott
Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. (Holly's smile quickly fades) Because I am busy taking you out.
Holly Flax
(gasps) Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight.
Michael Scott
(concerned) Why?
Holly Flax
I'm going out with you.
Michael Scott
Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...
Holly Flax
(shakes head) No more.
Michael Scott
Tonight's so...
Holly Flax
No more.
Michael Scott
Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.
Holly Flax
Thank you, you too.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Scene 08

3 lines
Andy Bernard
That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) You set a date?
Andy Bernard
J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money.

Scene 09

8 lines
Phyllis Vance
(sigh) What are you making?
Dwight Schrute
A knife.
Phyllis Vance
You're making a knife with a knife?
Dwight Schrute
You got a better way?
Phyllis Vance
You want to talk about it?
Dwight Schrute
About what?
Phyllis Vance
You know I know. (looks at the camera guys) You know they know.
Dwight Schrute
I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.

Scene 10

7 lines
Holly Flax
Oh, the mall could be fun.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Holly Flax
We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
Michael Scott
Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. (laughs) Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Holly Flax
...Hell yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.
Holly Flax
Yeah, that's good.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Probably get soup or something light.

Scene 12

11 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hi.
Dwight Schrute
She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis Vance
It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight Schrute
I was talking to myself.
Phyllis Vance
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
I just don't get it.
Phyllis Vance
What don't you get?
Dwight Schrute
Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis Vance
Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight Schrute
That's really fattening.
Phyllis Vance
No, it's lettuce.

Scene 13

3 lines
Holly Flax
(playing cards) It's time to go.
Michael Scott
No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. (sighs) (goofy voice) I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.
Holly Flax
You're crazy, go crazy.

Scene 14

10 lines
Holly Flax
(walking out of the building) Oh, I forgot my keys.
Michael Scott
Do you need 'em?
Holly Flax
Yeah, lets go grab them.
Michael Scott
All right.
Holly Flax
Oh, after vous. (walking into the girls bathroom)
Michael Scott
Thank vous. (chuckling) What? Oh! (kissing)
Holly Flax
I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?
Michael Scott
Not if we turn these dials (getting louder) all the way down. (whispering) Now they can't hear us at all.
Holly Flax
Oh, good.
Michael Scott
We're totally alone.

Scene 15

5 lines
Angela Martin
Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar Martinez
Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar Martinez
How does that even compare?
Kevin Malone
Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Scene 16

11 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, my God, what happened?
Jim Halpert
We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute
Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.
Holly Flax
Can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Oh... oh!
Holly Flax
That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?
Michael Scott
No, did you?
Holly Flax
Michael I think this is our fault.
Michael Scott
Oh, no, my God.
Holly Flax
Oh...
Michael Scott
Oh my God!

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
So much for sex without consequences.

Scene 18

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) (Jim holds up phone) You are such a dork! Shots!
Jim Halpert
So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning.
Pam Beesly
(on phone) I'm not drunk.
Jim Halpert
I'm on minute six of this message.
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Okay, I do not sound like that.
Man on phone
You can take the girl out of Philly...
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Scranton.
Jim Halpert
The future mother of my children.

Scene 19

7 lines
Angela Martin
I never felt safe here.
Andy Bernard
You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Angela Martin
I would very much like that.
Andy Bernard
Yeah?
Angela Martin
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
(cockney accent) Consider yourself... at home!
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight groans) Ugh.

Scene 20

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Get in.
Phyllis Vance
Where are we going?
Dwight Schrute
I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.
Phyllis Vance
Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.
Dwight Schrute
Are you sure that's going to work?
Phyllis Vance
It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...

Scene 21

2 lines
Holly Flax
How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
Oscar Martinez
I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.

Scene 22

1 line
Creed Bratton
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? (whispering) Creed Bratton.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.

Scene 25

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
I think it's a fun idea.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Phyllis Vance
We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Michael Scott
Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis Vance
Move on, Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.
Oscar Martinez
So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?
Michael Scott
I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-
Jim Halpert
Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott
Do I?

Scene 26

9 lines
Holly Flax
Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Holly Flax
He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael Scott
Whoa!
Holly Flax
(giggles) Sorry.
Michael Scott
Twice. ... Right?
Holly Flax
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Holly Flax
Mm-hmm.

Scene 27

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. (points below his belt)
Angela Martin
I think you have me confused with another person.
Dwight Schrute
I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!
Angela Martin
I heard you. (quickly walks away)

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays) Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. (music stops) And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. (clears throat) Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! (Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays)

Scene 29

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. (cheers and applause) It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. (auctioneer voice) 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-(speaking gibberish) Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 (speaking gibberish) Sold! For 300 dollars to me! (bangs gavel, which squeaks) What the hell is that?
Phyllis Vance
It's the only gavel I could find.
Michael Scott
It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!
Darryl Philbin
Hey Mike, do my thing.
Michael Scott
Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-
Darryl Philbin
Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.
Jim Halpert
5 dollars.
Darryl Philbin
Sold! To Jim.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed."
Creed Bratton
Yeah, that's all-inclusive.

Scene 31

16 lines
Darryl Philbin
She thought I was McNabb. (laughing)
Jim Halpert
I can see that.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?
Jim Halpert
Another round, boys? Great. (Jim walks to the bar)
Roy Anderson
Halpert?
Darryl Philbin
What's up, Roy?
Jim Halpert
Hey man.
Roy Anderson
I'm not gonna hit you or anything.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I wouldn't-(clears throat)
Roy Anderson
You good?
Jim Halpert
I'm good. How you doing?
Roy Anderson
I'm good.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, okay.
Roy Anderson
Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?
Darryl Philbin
Oh, what's up, Roy?
Roy Anderson
Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?

Scene 32

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.
Michael Scott
Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.
Kevin Malone
Federal and State.
Michael Scott
Federal and State. (no one bids)
Kevin Malone
Fine. (throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand)
Michael Scott
Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.

Scene 33

1 line
Hank Tate
(the security guard) (playing blues on a guitar) Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. (Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy)

Scene 34

13 lines
Michael Scott
We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. (David Wallace walks in) Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!
David Wallace
Hey.
Michael Scott
Hey!
David Wallace
Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!
Oscar Martinez
100 dollars.
Michael Scott
100 dollars, great.
Bob
125.
Guy in audience
140.
Dwight Schrute
Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Phyllis Vance
Oh dear.
Michael Scott
Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
Guy in audience
160.
Michael Scott
160.

Scene 35

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. (the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires)
Phyllis Vance
Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Dwight Schrute
Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?
Phyllis Vance
Now you move on.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?
Phyllis Vance
Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.
Phyllis Vance
Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. (Phyllis slaps Dwight) And you slap like a girl.

Scene 36

1 line
Dwight Schrute
What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. (Dwight has an epiphany)

Scene 37

15 lines
Roy Anderson
What's going on with Pam?
Jim Halpert
Oh, she's good actually.
Roy Anderson
Yeah?
Jim Halpert
She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school.
Roy Anderson
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, she's doing really well.
Roy Anderson
Huh.
Jim Halpert
She's engaged, um... to me.
Roy Anderson
(laughs) Congrats, man.
Jim Halpert
Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that.
Roy Anderson
So Pam's happy?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM.
Roy Anderson
Wow.
Jim Halpert
What?
Roy Anderson
I thought you were a friend.

Scene 38

1 line
Jim Halpert
(driving) I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. (sighs)

Scene 39

42 lines
Bob
When are you getting to Bruce?
Michael Scott
Uh, just a few more items.
Everyone
(chanting) Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Michael Scott
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. (cheering) All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?
Stanley Hudson
Do you want us to look for 'em?
Michael Scott
No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.
Phyllis Vance
I have my hug.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.
Bob
I'll bid on a hug.
Michael Scott
She's your wife, you idiot.
Bob
100 dollars.
David Wallace
200.
Michael Scott
Uh, what the hell is happening?
Andy Bernard
250.
Angela Martin
What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.
Angela Martin
Not here.
Bob
300.
Michael Scott
300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.
Dwight Schrute
300 and one penny.
Michael Scott
300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.
Bob
325.
Michael Scott
325, 325.
David Wallace
350.
Michael Scott
350.
Dwight Schrute
350 and one penny.
Michael Scott
350 and one penny.
Bob
400.
Michael Scott
400, 400 hey batter batter.
Dwight Schrute
400 and one penny.
Michael Scott
400 and one penny.
Bob
500.
Michael Scott
500.
Dwight Schrute
500 and one penny.
Michael Scott
500 and one penny. One million dollar!
Bob
700.
Michael Scott
700.
Dwight Schrute
700 and one penny.
Michael Scott
Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
Bob
1,000
Dwight Schrute
Eh, it's not worth it.
Michael Scott
1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. (applause) Nicely done.

Scene 40

1 line
Jim Halpert
(driving, sighs, laughs) No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And (laughs) we are not that couple. (turns around)

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
(whispering) Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- (Holly covers Michaels mouth)

Scene 42

1 line
Holly Flax
The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.

Scene 43

1 line
David Wallace
(after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss) No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.