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Season 5 Episode 5
Employee Transfer

Every line from The Office episode "Employee Transfer", season 5 episode 5.

Kelly Kapoor: (dressed as Carrie Bradshaw) Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis Vance: (dressed as Raggedy Ann) Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.
Phyllis Vance: Mm. I like your shoes. (Kelly has 5-inch heels on)
Kelly Kapoor: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis Vance: Sure.
Ryan Howard: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly Kapoor: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan Howard: Gordon Gekko.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan Howard: ... Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: (Creed dressed as the Joker enters) Whoa. Awesome.
Creed Bratton: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin Malone: (also dressed as the Joker) Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!
Andy Bernard: (dressed as a kitten) Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert: Dave.
Andy Bernard: Cool.
Jim Halpert: You are? (Andy hisses) A cat?
Andy Bernard: (buzzer noise) We were looking for "kitten."
Jim Halpert: (phone) Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam Beesly: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. (Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin)
Pam Beesly: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.
Dwight Schrute: (dressed as the Joker) Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! (elevator doors close, reopen.) Disappear.
Michael Scott: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.
Holly Flax: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.
Michael Scott: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.
Holly Flax: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael Scott: Road trip! Right?
Holly Flax: Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael Scott: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl Philbin: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael Scott: We're not.
Holly Flax: Kidding.
Michael Scott: We're not doing anything.
Holly Flax: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said "I asked you first." And I said "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
Michael Scott: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael Scott: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.
Michael Scott: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Jim Halpert: All right. We'll see. (to camera) No.
Jim Halpert: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.
Dwight Schrute: Good morning temp.
Ryan Howard: 'Morning. (Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt) Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy Bernard: Ha ha ha. That's funny. (angrily) Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Dwight Schrute: Andy.
Andy Bernard: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight Schrute: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy Bernard: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight Schrute: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis Vance: I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. (He sips from his Cornell mug)
Holly Flax: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael Scott: Cool!
Darryl Philbin: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael Scott: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael & Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael & Holly & Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...
Dwight Schrute: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy Bernard: Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying "we." You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight Schrute: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy Bernard: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight Schrute: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Tom: Hey, future baby sis!
Pam Beesly: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom: I'm good.
Pam Beesly: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best."
Pam Beesly: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.
Pete Miller: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete Miller: That, is awesome!
Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete Miller: Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete Miller: I think this is better.
Tom: The other thing would "get" Jim.
Pete Miller: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam Beesly: Okay, okay.
Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam Beesly: Oookay....
Pam Beesly: They came up with that idea really fast.
Darryl Philbin: This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly Flax: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael Scott: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! (waking up) Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly Flax: You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael Scott: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl Philbin: Not really.
Michael Scott: All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl Philbin: Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly Flax: We're only halfway?
Michael Scott: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl Philbin: Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly Flax: Let's check there.
Pam Beesly: Hey guys.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how are you?
Pam Beesly: Hi! (smooches)
Jim Halpert: Good to see you.
Pete Miller: Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!
Jim Halpert: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.
Darryl Philbin: There's nothing out here man.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.
Michael Scott: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... (Holly sobs) Hey. Are you crying?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Allergies?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl Philbin: WHAT!?
Holly Flax: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? (crying)
Michael Scott: What's the matter?
Holly Flax: It's not gonna work.
Michael Scott: Sure it is.
Holly Flax: There's too much distance.
Michael Scott: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly Flax: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael Scott: Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly Flax: And I like you too.
Michael Scott: And I've dated four women in the last--
Holly Flax: I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael Scott: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly Flax: Oh.
Michael Scott: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly Flax: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.
Andy Bernard: Take that down. (Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling)
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me?
Andy Bernard: Take. That down.
Meredith Palmer: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy Bernard: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed Bratton: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy Bernard: It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight Schrute: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy Bernard: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: What do you say?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, good. Can we--- (Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head) Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!
Holly Flax: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.
Holly Flax: Oh.
Michael Scott: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly Flax: Well-
Michael Scott: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly Flax: How long could we keep that up?
Michael Scott: Years!
Holly Flax: Years?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael Scott: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly Flax: (kisses his temple) Thank you.
Michael Scott: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl Philbin: Clever, Mike.
Tom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete Miller: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim Halpert: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete Miller: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom: Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam Beesly: Yup! (Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera)
Michael Scott: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly Flax: I do, I think so.
Michael Scott: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. (they continue arguing)
Darryl Philbin: (leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable) Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.
Michael Scott: I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Darryl Philbin: Please call me back.
Michael Scott: Please?
Holly Flax: You'll be okay
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl Philbin: Please...
Holly Flax: You will.
Michael Scott: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!
Andy Bernard: (outside men's room) You might be interested- (stops when he sees Stanley come out)
Stanley Hudson: What?
Andy Bernard: Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy Bernard: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight Schrute: That's a conflict of interest.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight Schrute: (thinks) Interview.
Andy Bernard: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: The conference room!
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Who are your role models?
Andy Bernard: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
Andy Bernard: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.
Jim Halpert: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam Beesly: Cute.
Jim Halpert: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play "When the Saints go Marching In."
Jim Halpert: Love that one.
Pete Miller: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim Halpert: Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete Miller: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam Beesly: Miles Davis.
Jim Halpert: One.
Pam Beesly: Chet ...something.
Jim Halpert: Half.
Pete Miller: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam Beesly: Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim Halpert: Also good.
Pete Miller: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom: You don't!
Jim Halpert: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete Miller: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam Beesly: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim Halpert: Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam Beesly: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim Halpert: Guys, what is going on?! (Pete and Tom burst out in laughter)
Tom: We pranked you!
Pete Miller: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam Beesly: ... Got you.
Pete Miller: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
Andy Bernard: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight Schrute: Bring it.
Andy Bernard: Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight Schrute: Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy Bernard: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. (writes in a notebook) Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight Schrute: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. (writes in a notebook)
Andy Bernard: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight Schrute: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy Bernard: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight Schrute: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy Bernard: "Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process."
Andy Bernard: "Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer has suspect motives."
Andy Bernard: "Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth." Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy Bernard: I have everything I need- (talking over each other)
Dwight Schrute: And you will be hearing from the -
Andy Bernard: And you will be hearing from -
Dwight Schrute: -Cornell Application Department,
Andy Bernard: which I will not be a part of-
Dwight Schrute: And you will not be pleased with the result. (pulls table away from Andy)
Andy Bernard: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight Schrute: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy Bernard: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight Schrute: Will end completely!
Andy Bernard: Will end completely!
Dwight Schrute: (has won the table war) That is all sir, you may go.
Darryl Philbin: (Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other) There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.
Pam Beesly: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam Beesly: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.
Jim Halpert: That is good.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. (laughs) Oh, text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Pam Beesly: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?
Darryl Philbin: This is the last of it.
Michael Scott: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl Philbin: You're not staying?
Michael Scott: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl Philbin: But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael Scott: I'll be down in just a second. (into house) Holly?
Michael Scott: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl (Holly hugs Michael) Okay. (they kiss goodbye.) Goodbye.
Holly Flax: Okay. Bye.
Darryl Philbin: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael Scott: We didn't break up.
Darryl Philbin: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: (bluesy) Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael Scott: That's a really pretty song.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na!!
Michael Scott: Da na na na na!!
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na .
Michael Scott: (deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: (deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: (blues singer) Da na na na na...
Andy Bernard: (Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls) I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight Schrute: Where did you get those?
Andy Bernard: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight Schrute: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy Bernard: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. (attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard) You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Cornell. (easily bites into a beet)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 5. Employee Transfer is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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