Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Employee Transfer

Vol. 5 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Michael and Darryl hit the road to move Holly to Nashua, but the "Life is a Highway" vibes don't last once the reality of long-distance sets in. Back in Scranton, Dwight decides to become a Cornell superfan just to drive Andy crazy during a very intense fake interview. Every line from the episode is laid out here, so you won't miss a single Joker quote or beet-related insult.

Scene 01

11 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(dressed as Carrie Bradshaw) Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis Vance
(dressed as Raggedy Ann) Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.
Phyllis Vance
Mm. I like your shoes. (Kelly has 5-inch heels on)
Kelly Kapoor
Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis Vance
Sure.
Ryan Howard
I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly Kapoor
Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan Howard
Gordon Gekko.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan Howard
... Yeah.

Scene 02

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Creed dressed as the Joker enters) Whoa. Awesome.
Creed Bratton
Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin Malone
(also dressed as the Joker) Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!

Scene 03

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(dressed as a kitten) Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert
Dave.
Andy Bernard
Cool.
Jim Halpert
You are? (Andy hisses) A cat?
Andy Bernard
(buzzer noise) We were looking for "kitten."
Jim Halpert
(phone) Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam Beesly
Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. (Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin)

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(dressed as the Joker) Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! (elevator doors close, reopen.) Disappear.

Scene 06

2 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.
Holly Flax
Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.

Scene 08

8 lines
Holly Flax
Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael Scott
Road trip! Right?
Holly Flax
Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael Scott
Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl Philbin
Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael Scott
We're not.
Holly Flax
Kidding.
Michael Scott
We're not doing anything.

Scene 09

1 line
Holly Flax
It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said "I asked you first." And I said "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Scene 10

3 lines
Michael Scott
All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael Scott
Ah, you are quite the gentleman.

Scene 11

2 lines
Michael Scott
You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Jim Halpert
All right. We'll see. (to camera) No.

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.

Scene 13

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Good morning temp.
Ryan Howard
'Morning. (Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt) Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy Bernard
Ha ha ha. That's funny. (angrily) Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Dwight Schrute
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight Schrute
No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy Bernard
Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight Schrute
Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis Vance
I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.

Scene 14

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. (He sips from his Cornell mug)

Scene 15

6 lines
Holly Flax
I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael Scott
Cool!
Darryl Philbin
Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael Scott
We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael & Holly
Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael & Holly & Darryl
If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...

Scene 16

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy Bernard
Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying "we." You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight Schrute
Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy Bernard
I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight Schrute
Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.

Scene 17

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Tom
Hey, future baby sis!
Pam Beesly
How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom
I'm good.

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best."

Scene 19

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.
Pete Miller
That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom
Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete Miller
That, is awesome!
Tom
Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete Miller
Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly
So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete Miller
I think this is better.
Tom
The other thing would "get" Jim.
Pete Miller
This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam Beesly
Okay, okay.
Tom
Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam Beesly
Oookay....

Scene 20

1 line
Pam Beesly
They came up with that idea really fast.

Scene 21

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly Flax
Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael Scott
Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! (waking up) Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly Flax
You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael Scott
Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl Philbin
Not really.
Michael Scott
All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl Philbin
Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly Flax
We're only halfway?
Michael Scott
Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl Philbin
Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly Flax
Let's check there.

Scene 22

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey guys.
Jim Halpert
Hey, how are you?
Pam Beesly
Hi! (smooches)
Jim Halpert
Good to see you.
Pete Miller
Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom
Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!
Jim Halpert
All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.

Scene 23

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
There's nothing out here man.
Michael Scott
Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.

Scene 24

7 lines
Michael Scott
Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... (Holly sobs) Hey. Are you crying?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
Allergies?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl Philbin
WHAT!?
Holly Flax
No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? (crying)

Scene 25

15 lines
Michael Scott
What's the matter?
Holly Flax
It's not gonna work.
Michael Scott
Sure it is.
Holly Flax
There's too much distance.
Michael Scott
Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly Flax
Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael Scott
Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly Flax
And I like you too.
Michael Scott
And I've dated four women in the last--
Holly Flax
I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael Scott
Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly Flax
Oh.
Michael Scott
I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly Flax
Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael Scott
That's what she said.

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.

Scene 27

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Take that down. (Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling)
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me?
Andy Bernard
Take. That down.
Meredith Palmer
You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy Bernard
I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed Bratton
It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy Bernard
It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight Schrute
Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy Bernard
Fine.
Dwight Schrute
What do you say?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, good. Can we--- (Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head) Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!

Scene 28

17 lines
Holly Flax
If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Holly Flax
And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.
Holly Flax
Oh.
Michael Scott
I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly Flax
Well-
Michael Scott
Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly Flax
How long could we keep that up?
Michael Scott
Years!
Holly Flax
Years?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Holly Flax
Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael Scott
Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly Flax
(kisses his temple) Thank you.
Michael Scott
My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl Philbin
Clever, Mike.

Scene 29

8 lines
Tom
So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete Miller
Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim Halpert
That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom
Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete Miller
Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom
Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam Beesly
Yup! (Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera)

Scene 30

12 lines
Michael Scott
You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly Flax
I do, I think so.
Michael Scott
Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. (they continue arguing)
Darryl Philbin
(leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable) Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.
Michael Scott
I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Darryl Philbin
Please call me back.
Michael Scott
Please?
Holly Flax
You'll be okay
Michael Scott
I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl Philbin
Please...
Holly Flax
You will.
Michael Scott
No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!

Scene 31

12 lines
Andy Bernard
(outside men's room) You might be interested- (stops when he sees Stanley come out)
Stanley Hudson
What?
Andy Bernard
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy Bernard
Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight Schrute
That's a conflict of interest.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight Schrute
(thinks) Interview.
Andy Bernard
Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
The conference room!
Dwight Schrute
Okay.

Scene 32

1 line
Andy Bernard
Who are your role models?

Scene 33

1 line
Andy Bernard
If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.

Scene 34

1 line
Andy Bernard
So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.

Scene 35

27 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam Beesly
Cute.
Jim Halpert
That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom
Yup. She only knows how to play "When the Saints go Marching In."
Jim Halpert
Love that one.
Pete Miller
Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim Halpert
Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete Miller
Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam Beesly
Miles Davis.
Jim Halpert
One.
Pam Beesly
Chet ...something.
Jim Halpert
Half.
Pete Miller
The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam Beesly
Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim Halpert
Also good.
Pete Miller
And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom
You don't!
Jim Halpert
Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete Miller
I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam Beesly
I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim Halpert
Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam Beesly
I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim Halpert
Guys, what is going on?! (Pete and Tom burst out in laughter)
Tom
We pranked you!
Pete Miller
It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam Beesly
... Got you.
Pete Miller
That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.

Scene 36

28 lines
Andy Bernard
Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight Schrute
Bring it.
Andy Bernard
Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight Schrute
Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy Bernard
Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. (writes in a notebook) Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. (writes in a notebook)
Andy Bernard
What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight Schrute
On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy Bernard
Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight Schrute
Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy Bernard
"Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character."
Dwight Schrute
"Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process."
Andy Bernard
"Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations."
Dwight Schrute
"Interviewer has suspect motives."
Andy Bernard
"Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid."
Dwight Schrute
"Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth." Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy Bernard
I have everything I need- (talking over each other)
Dwight Schrute
And you will be hearing from the -
Andy Bernard
And you will be hearing from -
Dwight Schrute
-Cornell Application Department,
Andy Bernard
which I will not be a part of-
Dwight Schrute
And you will not be pleased with the result. (pulls table away from Andy)
Andy Bernard
And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight Schrute
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy Bernard
And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight Schrute
Will end completely!
Andy Bernard
Will end completely!
Dwight Schrute
(has won the table war) That is all sir, you may go.

Scene 37

1 line
Darryl Philbin
(Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other) There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.

Scene 38

7 lines
Pam Beesly
For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim Halpert
Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam Beesly
Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.
Jim Halpert
That is good.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. (laughs) Oh, text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Pam Beesly
Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?

Scene 39

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
This is the last of it.
Michael Scott
Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl Philbin
You're not staying?
Michael Scott
You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl Philbin
But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael Scott
I'll be down in just a second. (into house) Holly?

Scene 40

2 lines
Michael Scott
So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl (Holly hugs Michael) Okay. (they kiss goodbye.) Goodbye.
Holly Flax
Okay. Bye.

Scene 41

26 lines
Darryl Philbin
I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael Scott
We didn't break up.
Darryl Philbin
Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
(bluesy) Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael Scott
That's a really pretty song.
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na!!
Michael Scott
Da na na na na!!
Darryl Philbin
Da na na na na .
Michael Scott
(deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
(deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin
YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott
(blues singer) Da na na na na...

Scene 42

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls) I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight Schrute
Where did you get those?
Andy Bernard
What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight Schrute
I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy Bernard
Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. (attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard) You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Cornell. (easily bites into a beet)