Employee Transfer
Season 5, Episode 5 of The Office
Michael and Darryl hit the road to move Holly to Nashua, but the "Life is a Highway" vibes don't last once the reality of long-distance sets in. Back in Scranton, Dwight decides to become a Cornell superfan just to drive Andy crazy during a very intense fake interview. Every line from the episode is laid out here, so you won't miss a single Joker quote or beet-related insult.
Kelly Kapoor: (dressed as Carrie Bradshaw) Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis Vance: (dressed as Raggedy Ann) Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.
Phyllis Vance: Mm. I like your shoes. (Kelly has 5-inch heels on)
Kelly Kapoor: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis Vance: Sure.
Ryan Howard: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly Kapoor: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan Howard: Gordon Gekko.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan Howard: ... Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: (Creed dressed as the Joker enters) Whoa. Awesome.
Creed Bratton: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin Malone: (also dressed as the Joker) Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!
Andy Bernard: (dressed as a kitten) Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert: Dave.
Andy Bernard: Cool.
Jim Halpert: You are? (Andy hisses) A cat?
Andy Bernard: (buzzer noise) We were looking for "kitten."
Jim Halpert: (phone) Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam Beesly: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. (Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin)
Pam Beesly: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.
Dwight Schrute: (dressed as the Joker) Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! (elevator doors close, reopen.) Disappear.
Michael Scott: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.
Holly Flax: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.
Michael Scott: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.
Holly Flax: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael Scott: Road trip! Right?
Holly Flax: Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael Scott: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl Philbin: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael Scott: We're not.
Holly Flax: Kidding.
Michael Scott: We're not doing anything.
Holly Flax: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said "I asked you first." And I said "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
Michael Scott: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael Scott: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.
Michael Scott: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Jim Halpert: All right. We'll see. (to camera) No.
Jim Halpert: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.
Dwight Schrute: Good morning temp.
Ryan Howard: 'Morning. (Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt) Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy Bernard: Ha ha ha. That's funny. (angrily) Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Dwight Schrute: Andy.
Andy Bernard: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight Schrute: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy Bernard: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight Schrute: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis Vance: I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. (He sips from his Cornell mug)
Holly Flax: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael Scott: Cool!
Darryl Philbin: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael Scott: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael & Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael & Holly & Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...
Dwight Schrute: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy Bernard: Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying "we." You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight Schrute: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy Bernard: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight Schrute: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Tom: Hey, future baby sis!
Pam Beesly: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom: I'm good.
Pam Beesly: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best."
Pam Beesly: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.
Pete Miller: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete Miller: That, is awesome!
Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete Miller: Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete Miller: I think this is better.
Tom: The other thing would "get" Jim.
Pete Miller: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam Beesly: Okay, okay.
Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam Beesly: Oookay....
Pam Beesly: They came up with that idea really fast.
Darryl Philbin: This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly Flax: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael Scott: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! (waking up) Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly Flax: You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael Scott: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl Philbin: Not really.
Michael Scott: All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl Philbin: Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly Flax: We're only halfway?
Michael Scott: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl Philbin: Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly Flax: Let's check there.
Pam Beesly: Hey guys.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how are you?
Pam Beesly: Hi! (smooches)
Jim Halpert: Good to see you.
Pete Miller: Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!
Jim Halpert: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.
Darryl Philbin: There's nothing out here man.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.
Michael Scott: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... (Holly sobs) Hey. Are you crying?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Allergies?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl Philbin: WHAT!?
Holly Flax: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? (crying)
Michael Scott: What's the matter?
Holly Flax: It's not gonna work.
Michael Scott: Sure it is.
Holly Flax: There's too much distance.
Michael Scott: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly Flax: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael Scott: Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly Flax: And I like you too.
Michael Scott: And I've dated four women in the last--
Holly Flax: I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael Scott: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly Flax: Oh.
Michael Scott: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly Flax: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.
Andy Bernard: Take that down. (Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling)
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me?
Andy Bernard: Take. That down.
Meredith Palmer: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy Bernard: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed Bratton: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy Bernard: It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight Schrute: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy Bernard: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: What do you say?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, good. Can we--- (Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head) Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!
Holly Flax: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.
Holly Flax: Oh.
Michael Scott: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly Flax: Well-
Michael Scott: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly Flax: How long could we keep that up?
Michael Scott: Years!
Holly Flax: Years?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly Flax: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael Scott: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly Flax: (kisses his temple) Thank you.
Michael Scott: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl Philbin: Clever, Mike.
Tom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete Miller: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim Halpert: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete Miller: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom: Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam Beesly: Yup! (Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera)
Michael Scott: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly Flax: I do, I think so.
Michael Scott: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. (they continue arguing)
Darryl Philbin: (leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable) Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.
Michael Scott: I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Darryl Philbin: Please call me back.
Michael Scott: Please?
Holly Flax: You'll be okay
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl Philbin: Please...
Holly Flax: You will.
Michael Scott: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!
Andy Bernard: (outside men's room) You might be interested- (stops when he sees Stanley come out)
Stanley Hudson: What?
Andy Bernard: Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy Bernard: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight Schrute: That's a conflict of interest.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight Schrute: (thinks) Interview.
Andy Bernard: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: The conference room!
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Andy Bernard: Who are your role models?
Andy Bernard: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
Andy Bernard: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.
Jim Halpert: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam Beesly: Cute.
Jim Halpert: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play "When the Saints go Marching In."
Jim Halpert: Love that one.
Pete Miller: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim Halpert: Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete Miller: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam Beesly: Miles Davis.
Jim Halpert: One.
Pam Beesly: Chet ...something.
Jim Halpert: Half.
Pete Miller: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam Beesly: Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim Halpert: Also good.
Pete Miller: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom: You don't!
Jim Halpert: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete Miller: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam Beesly: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim Halpert: Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam Beesly: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim Halpert: Guys, what is going on?! (Pete and Tom burst out in laughter)
Tom: We pranked you!
Pete Miller: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam Beesly: ... Got you.
Pete Miller: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
Andy Bernard: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight Schrute: Bring it.
Andy Bernard: Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight Schrute: Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy Bernard: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. (writes in a notebook) Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight Schrute: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. (writes in a notebook)
Andy Bernard: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight Schrute: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy Bernard: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight Schrute: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy Bernard: "Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process."
Andy Bernard: "Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer has suspect motives."
Andy Bernard: "Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid."
Dwight Schrute: "Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth." Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy Bernard: I have everything I need- (talking over each other)
Dwight Schrute: And you will be hearing from the -
Andy Bernard: And you will be hearing from -
Dwight Schrute: -Cornell Application Department,
Andy Bernard: which I will not be a part of-
Dwight Schrute: And you will not be pleased with the result. (pulls table away from Andy)
Andy Bernard: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight Schrute: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy Bernard: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight Schrute: Will end completely!
Andy Bernard: Will end completely!
Dwight Schrute: (has won the table war) That is all sir, you may go.
Darryl Philbin: (Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other) There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.
Pam Beesly: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam Beesly: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.
Jim Halpert: That is good.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. (laughs) Oh, text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Pam Beesly: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?
Darryl Philbin: This is the last of it.
Michael Scott: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl Philbin: You're not staying?
Michael Scott: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl Philbin: But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael Scott: I'll be down in just a second. (into house) Holly?
Michael Scott: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl (Holly hugs Michael) Okay. (they kiss goodbye.) Goodbye.
Holly Flax: Okay. Bye.
Darryl Philbin: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael Scott: We didn't break up.
Darryl Philbin: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: (bluesy) Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael Scott: That's a really pretty song.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na!!
Michael Scott: Da na na na na!!
Darryl Philbin: Da na na na na .
Michael Scott: (deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: (deeper) Da na na na na.
Darryl Philbin: YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael Scott: (blues singer) Da na na na na...
Andy Bernard: (Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls) I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight Schrute: Where did you get those?
Andy Bernard: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight Schrute: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy Bernard: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. (attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard) You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Cornell. (easily bites into a beet)