Every line from The Office episode "Customer Survey", season 5 episode 6.
Andy Bernard: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael Scott: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, so there you go.
Kelly Kapoor: (enters Michael's office) Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow, so quickly.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Kevin Malone: Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Michael Scott: Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Jim Halpert: You wouldn't tell your mom?
Kevin Malone: You love your mom.
Kelly Kapoor: Call your mom, Michael. (everyone talking)
Michael Scott: I'll call her later.
Group: (chanting and clapping) Call her! Call her!
Michael Scott: I don't want to do that. (chanting continues) All right. (picks up phone and dials) She is going to freak out!
Andy Bernard: (punches button) Speakerphone!
Michael Scott: That's -- thanks.
Mother: (on speakerphone) Hello?
Michael Scott: Mom, I'm getting married.
Michael Scott: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
Mother: Well, are you getting married?
Michael Scott: No. (laughs)
Mother: Are you-- (Michael ends call)
Michael Scott: I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... (laughs) Psych.
Michael Scott: Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
Dwight Schrute: Bring it on. (starts to put foot up on Michael's desk)
Dwight Schrute: What does it say?
Michael Scott: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
Dwight Schrute: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
Dwight Schrute: I sell more paper than anyone. (stands and reaches for the file)
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Michael Scott: Do I look like I am joking?
Dwight Schrute: No, but that's sometimes part of it.
Michael Scott: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Dwight Schrute: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.
Michael Scott: You're not.
Andy Bernard: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?
Andy Bernard: I got mine. They were really good.
Pam Beesly: (listening in New York) I miss him.
Jim Halpert: You must be really proud.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug.
Jim Halpert: Oh, sorry. It was just -- it was right here.
Andy Bernard: Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
Jim Halpert: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use (finds a mug) uh, oh -- Snoopy.
Pam Beesly: Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine.
Andy Bernard: (smiles) It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Jim Halpert: How can you even be sure?
Andy Bernard: It has my face on it.
Jim Halpert: (holds mug next to Andy's head) Make the face. (Andy smiles) Yeah, I don't see it.
Andy Bernard: Dude, that is my face!
Pam Beesly: (Dwight slams something on desk) What was that?
Jim Halpert: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
Pam Beesly: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Jim Halpert: It is... more of a spicy brown, actually.
Dwight Schrute: What are you mumbling about?
Jim Halpert: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight Schrute: None of your business.
Jim Halpert: Was it your scores?
Dwight Schrute: Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information --
Dwight Schrute: I'm being sabotaged.
Dwight Schrute: And I'm going to find that person and punish them.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight Schrute: You're an idiot.
Jim Halpert: There's the charm.
Michael Scott: Jimbo, let's do this thang.
Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck.
Pam Beesly: (whispers on bluetooth) Good luck.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything
Jim Halpert: I love you, too.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think I am saying to you?!
Jim Halpert: I'm not talking to you.
Michael Scott: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Jim Halpert: Microgement.
Michael Scott: Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.
Dwight Schrute: All right, fine. (picks up phone) Brrring.
Jim Halpert: (picks up phone) Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's great, because I need paper.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
Jim Halpert: Wow, this is my lucky day.
Michael Scott: (whispers) Ask him his name.
Dwight Schrute: What is your name, sir?
Jim Halpert: I am Bill Buttlicker.
Dwight Schrute: Really, that's your real name?
Jim Halpert: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.
Michael Scott: Be respectful, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Would you hold on one second? That's my other line.
Dwight Schrute: What? No, but I --
Jim Halpert: Hello? (laughs) No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. (punches button on phone)
Michael Scott: It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim Halpert: Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. What's wrong?
Jim Halpert: You know what? That's private.
Michael Scott: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited--
Jim Halpert: Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.
Michael Scott: He's hard of -- he's an old man. Let's go.
Dwight Schrute: OK, as I was saying, right now we are having --
Jim Halpert: You're gonna have to talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: OK, our prices have never been lower.
Jim Halpert: Son, you have to talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: ...never been lower!
Jim Halpert: Louder, son!
Dwight Schrute: (shouting) Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
Michael Scott: Stop it! Stop it!
Michael Scott: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Jim Halpert: Now, you listen to me, sir.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Jim Halpert: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Michael Scott: Give me the phone.
Dwight Schrute: Please, Mr. Buttlicker --
Jim Halpert: I'm irate right now.
Michael Scott: Give me the phone.
Dwight Schrute: Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
Michael Scott: Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Dwight Schrute: I have to put you on with my boss.
Jim Halpert: Well, I should hope so. (Michael takes phone) Who is this?
Michael Scott: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Michael Scott: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
Jim Halpert: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Dwight Schrute: (shakes fist, whispers) Yeah!
Michael Scott: (covers phone, whispers to Dwight) See how it's done? (into phone) Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. (to Dwight) See what I did?
Dwight Schrute: You are the master.
Jim Halpert: There is one condition, Michael.
Jim Halpert: You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it, Michael.
Michael Scott: ... (whispers) It's a million-dollar sale.
Andy Bernard: So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful.
Angela Martin: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Andy Bernard: Hobos live in trains.
Angela Martin: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.
Andy Bernard: Well, Nana Mim -- Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Angela Martin: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field
Andy Bernard: Done and done-er.
Angela Martin: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Andy Bernard: Do you have a specific place in mind?
Angela Martin: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
Jim Halpert: Dwight. Dwight. (Dwight's car comes screeching into view)
Jim Halpert: Are you serious?
Dwight Schrute: Get in! (he peels off into parking space)
Jim Halpert: OK, what are you --
Dwight Schrute: Shh. (turns radio up loud, playing "Centerfold.") They might be listening to us.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Dwight Schrute: They might be listening to us
Dwight Schrute: Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim Halpert: In this car?
Dwight Schrute: You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Jim Halpert: (turns radio down) What are you thinking?
Dwight Schrute: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim Halpert: The mob, maybe NASA.
Dwight Schrute: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.
Jim Halpert: Is there some evidence?
Pam Beesly: (on Bluetooth) Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim Halpert: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Dwight Schrute: (jumps into Kelly's area) Ha! (Kelly screams in surprise)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, my God. You scared me.
Dwight Schrute: Hear anything interesting?
Kelly Kapoor: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) I think you know.
Kelly Kapoor: You always say that, and I almost never know.
Dwight Schrute: What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?
Kelly Kapoor: Are you accusing me of something?
Dwight Schrute: Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself.
Jim Halpert: (behind Dwight): OK.
Dwight Schrute: (surprised) Ah!
Jim Halpert: Let's just -- Let's head back to the desk.
Kelly Kapoor: You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews.
Dwight Schrute: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.
Kelly Kapoor: Dwight, get out of my nook!
Pam Beesly: (in New York) That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!
Jim Halpert: (enters breakroom) Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, he's weird.
Jim Halpert: Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but...
Jim Halpert: Hey, how are you and Darryl?
Kelly Kapoor: Um, we're cool. (gets up to leave) Bye.
Pam Beesly: (on Bluetooth) That was weird.
Pam Beesly: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Jim Halpert: No, actually.
Pam Beesly: Did you do something to her?
Jim Halpert: I don't think so.
Pam Beesly: Well, something's off.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how's things?
Ryan Howard: Living in the moment.
Jim Halpert: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
Ryan Howard: I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. (takes sip of coffee) Can I tell you what else I learned?
Jim Halpert: Wait, that's pretty weird.
Jim Halpert: Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Ryan Howard: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Jim Halpert: No. What party?
Ryan Howard: Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. (Jim makes face) That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.
Jim Halpert: I wasn't. But thank you. (to Pam) Do you know anything about this party?
Pam Beesly: Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.
Jim Halpert: Well, I can't be the only one who didn't -- (sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks)
Jim Halpert: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
Dwight Schrute: No. (holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively)
Dwight Schrute: No. Why? No. (puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut)
Jim Halpert: OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing: I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Jim Halpert: Probably just Kelly.
Dwight Schrute: Obviously. I knew it.
Jim Halpert: That's what I'm saying.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. What?
Jim Halpert: You were right.
Dwight Schrute: I was -- I was right.
Jim Halpert: You were right.
Dwight Schrute: I was right.
Jim Halpert: You knew it.
Dwight Schrute: I knew it.
Jim Halpert: You knew it the whole time, buddy.
Dwight Schrute: I knew it the whole time, buddy! (shoves Jim)
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Kelly Kapoor: What's going on?
Michael Scott: Why don't you tell us?
Kelly Kapoor: Nothing's going on.
Dwight Schrute: Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Michael Scott: Dwight. (to Kelly) I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Kelly Kapoor: What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.
Jim Halpert: We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.
Michael Scott: What's going on?
Kelly Kapoor: I love your tie, Michael.
Michael Scott: (looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it) Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: I was raped.
Michael Scott: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Kelly Kapoor: OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.
Dwight Schrute: We have our confession. I'm calling security. (reaches for phone)
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
Kelly Kapoor: See? I wasn't lying.
Michael Scott: You were lying.
Kelly Kapoor: I was lying.
Michael Scott: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
Dwight Schrute: I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Michael Scott: I will call you when it is time. (Jim and Dwight leave)
Michael Scott: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
Kelly Kapoor: No problem.
Michael Scott: I think you should do that. (Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh)
Pam Beesly: Hey, what are you doing here?
Alex: It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.
Alex: Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?
Jim Halpert: That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.
Alex: (in private office) Um.
Alex: I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Alex: Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Pam Beesly: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Alex: Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Pam Beesly: Jim's in Scranton.
Alex: I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow.
Pam Beesly: I'll see you tomorrow.
Alex: OK. (Pam and Jim look worried)
Dwight Schrute: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy Bernard: We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight Schrute: Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? (opens album)
Dwight Schrute: (looking at Angela) While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. (Angela smiles) I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. (Andy moves his head into Dwight's view) Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.
Andy Bernard: That's very generous.
Dwight Schrute: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy Bernard: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! (shakes Dwight's hand)
Andy Bernard: Um, what are we talking price wise?
Dwight Schrute: You already said deal.
Angela Martin: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy Bernard: Can't argue with that. Dwight ... (takes Angela's hand) You are going to make us so happy. (Dwight and Angela grin at each other)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 5. Customer Survey is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.