Business Trip

Vol. 5 · Issue 7The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Michael travels to the exotic land of Winnipeg with Oscar and Andy while Pam deals with some tough news in New York. Every line from the episode is right here, so you can catch all of Michael's concierge talk and Andy's drunk dials. You'll find the full script and every classic quote on this page.

Scene 01

8 lines

Michael Scott

Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.

Jim Halpert

Why are you telling us this?

Michael Scott

I am jetting off on an international business trip.

Jim Halpert

Where are you going?

Michael Scott

To Can-A-da.

Jim Halpert

Where is it?

Michael Scott

Canada.

Jim Halpert

Okay.

Scene 02

1 line

Michael Scott

My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery...

Scene 03

3 lines

Michael Scott

Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi.

Meredith Palmer

(British accent) Hello.

Michael Scott

I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. (covers Meredith's face with his jacket) You are now sexy in your culture.

Scene 04

3 lines

Kevin Malone

T minus...

Jim Halpert

Six point five days. (winces as Kevin smacks him on the back)

Creed Bratton

(walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders) One more week.

Scene 05

1 line

Jim Halpert

Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.

Scene 06

2 lines

Phyllis Vance

On more week. (chuckles)

Stanley Hudson

Heh heh. (Jim gives camera an odd look)

Scene 07

6 lines

David Wallace

(on speakerphone) Do you have your passport?

Michael Scott

I have my passport. (pats jacket pocket)

David Wallace

Got your per diem?

Michael Scott

I have my per diem. (holds up money) I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.

David Wallace

Michael, the... that's for your food.

Michael Scott

Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that.

Scene 08

1 line

David Wallace

I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. (chuckling) And it's pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November.

Scene 09

5 lines

Michael Scott

And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.

David Wallace

Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad.

Michael Scott

Well that is all in the past.

David Wallace

And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge.

Michael Scott

They have one of those?

Scene 10

26 lines

Michael Scott

(in a singsong voice) Lets do this!

Dwight Schrute

Wait, why do you need three suitcases?

Michael Scott

Two are for souvenirs.

Dwight Schrute

Do you have your money belt?

Michael Scott

I do. It's right here. (indicates to waist)

Dwight Schrute

No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. (demonstrates)

Michael Scott

No, I don't want to wear a bra.

Dwight Schrute

Here, let me help you. (reaches for Michael's money belt)

Michael Scott

Stop it! Stop it!

Dwight Schrute

Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.

Michael Scott

Okay. Where is my translator?

Andy Bernard

Monsieur.

Michael Scott

There he is.

Andy Bernard

I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancee. (chuckles)

Angela Martin

Be good.

Andy Bernard

I will try.

Angela Martin

Meaning what?

Andy Bernard

Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.

Michael Scott

Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you (points at Jim) if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?

Oscar Martinez

Here.

Michael Scott

There we go. Our town car awaits.

Meredith Palmer

It's just a van.

Michael Scott

Its not just a van.

Meredith Palmer

Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van.

Michael Scott

Dwight, can you get those please?

Dwight Schrute

(sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases)

Scene 11

31 lines

Michael Scott

(on airplane) Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.

Andy Bernard

Ah... sweet!

Michael Scott

Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.

Andy Bernard

Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!

Michael Scott

Take a sip of that. (hands Andy his mimosa)

Andy Bernard

Mmmhmmm...

Michael Scott

That good?

Andy Bernard

Mmmm...

Michael Scott

Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.

Andy Bernard

That's really good. (offers mimosa to Oscar)

Oscar Martinez

I'm good.

Michael Scott

You want one of your own? I can hook you up.

Stewardess

I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving.

Michael Scott

Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning.

Beth

We need to keep the isle clear.

Michael Scott

Yes...

Andy Bernard

Oh...

Michael Scott

Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums.

Andy Bernard

Oh boy. (follows Oscar back to coach)

Michael Scott

(whisper) Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.

Oscar Martinez

(whispers) Andy brought one too.

Andy Bernard

(loudly) Harry and the Henderson's

Michael Scott

Shhhh! Keep it down.

Oscar Martinez

I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? (holds up sandwich)

Michael Scott

Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? (Andy laughs) My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much.

Michael Scott

(to stewardess) Hi.

Beth

Hi.

Beth

Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours.

Michael Scott

Oh... okay. (looks back at Andy and Oscar) Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a-- (cart crashes into Michael's leg) GAH!

Beth

What would you like to drink?

Scene 12

4 lines

Ryan Howard

(walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk) Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension.

Kelly Kapoor

For you. I'm with Darryl.

Ryan Howard

This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. (gets on floor and starts doing pushups)

Kelly Kapoor

Is that supposed to impress me? (Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups)

Scene 13

1 line

Kelly Kapoor

(talking head) No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed.

Scene 14

2 lines

Kelly Kapoor

(making out with Ryan on her desk) What are we doing? This is so wrong.

Ryan Howard

Yeah... Mmmmm...

Scene 15

18 lines

Michael Scott

(going up escalator in the hotel) This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.

Oscar Martinez

I'll check us in.

Michael Scott

Alright.

Andy Bernard

Very cool.

Michael Scott

Very cool.

Andy Bernard

We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Andy Bernard

Where's the concierge?

Michael Scott

Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.

Andy Bernard

Mmm... bingo! (indicates towards concierge desk) Follow moi, bro-sieur.

Michael Scott

Wow!

Andy Bernard

(to concierge) What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?

Concierge

Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.

Michael Scott

Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I--ah! This is great, thank you!

Andy Bernard

One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?

Concierge

Oh, the Huntsman is good.

Andy Bernard

(nodding towards Michael) The Huntsman.

Concierge

Down here... the financial district.

Scene 16

1 line

Michael Scott

A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.

Scene 17

20 lines

Pam Beesly

(at school in NYC) Can't believe this. (pulls out cell phone... sighs)

Jim Halpert

(in office) Are you sure?

Pam Beesly

(over the phone) I just talked to my advisor. Failing.

Jim Halpert

Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.

Pam Beesly

I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers.

Jim Halpert

Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek.

Pam Beesly

I have to stay and retake it.

Jim Halpert

(looks shocked) W---Wow. Um. Well... okay.

Pam Beesly

That means another twelve weeks. (pause) Can you do this for another three months?

Jim Halpert

It's not--- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream.

Pam Beesly

(over phone) I know.

Jim Halpert

And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?

Pam Beesly

(starting to cry) Right.

Jim Halpert

(concerned look on face) You okay?

Pam Beesly

(over phone) Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go.

Jim Halpert

Okay.

Pam Beesly

Alright.

Jim Halpert

Alright.

Pam Beesly

(over phone) Love you. Bye.

Jim Halpert

Love you too. (hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying)

Scene 18

23 lines

Michael Scott

Guys, she's in there.

Andy Bernard

Engaging wings (imitates mechanical sound)

Oscar Martinez

I'm probably going to leave after one drink.

Michael Scott

Let's do this.

Andy Bernard

Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.

Michael Scott

(goes up to concierge from the hotel) Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again.

Marie

Good to see you.

Michael Scott

Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez.

Oscar Martinez

Nice to meet you. (shakes Marie's hand)

Marie

Oscar.

Michael Scott

Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie...

Oscar Martinez

Yes.

Michael Scott

...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight.

Marie

Thank you.

Michael Scott

And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night---

Oscar Martinez

Michael, why?

Michael Scott

She's foreign. I am--

Andy Bernard

For Madame et monsieur. (hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine)

Michael Scott

Oh, thank you.

Andy Bernard

You're welcome.

Michael Scott

Thank you, Andy.

Marie

Thank you?

Andy Bernard

Let me get a picture of you guys.

Scene 19

1 line

Michael Scott

Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with.

Scene 20

3 lines

Andy Bernard

Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked.

Oscar Martinez

How do you even know they're gay?

Andy Bernard

Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. (turns to bartender) Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. (to Oscar) Bad decision in a glass.

Scene 21

1 line

Andy Bernard

I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged... whatever. A guy needs intercourse.

Scene 22

13 lines

Andy Bernard

You'll thank me when they spank thee.

Oscar Martinez

Don't do this. (watches Andy take drinks to the other table)

Andy Bernard

Do you guys like apples?

Guy at table

What?

Andy Bernard

Do you like apples?

Guy at table

Uh, sorry... what?

Andy Bernard

Well, how do you like these apples? (sets drinks on table) Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? (indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly)

Guy at table

Is he your boyfriend or something?

Andy Bernard

No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.

Guy

Dude, leave us alone alright?

Andy Bernard

Gentleman. (walks away)

Oscar Martinez

What are you doing?

Andy Bernard

Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up.

Scene 23

5 lines

Michael Scott

How about this one? It's Christmas eve---

Concierge Marie

Mmm-hmmm...

Michael Scott

---and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?

Marie

Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day.

Michael Scott

Unbelievable! Unbelievable.

Scene 24

40 lines

Oscar Martinez

If you don't mind me asking---

Andy Bernard

Anything. You can ask me anything.

Oscar Martinez

Okay.

Andy Bernard

I'm your wingman.

Oscar Martinez

Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.

Andy Bernard

Right-o.

Oscar Martinez

How could anyone stand that woman?

Andy Bernard

What?

Oscar Martinez

What do you see in her? Wh -- what do you see in Angela?

Andy Bernard

What do I see in Angela?

Oscar Martinez

I want to know.

Andy Bernard

I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.

Oscar Martinez

You haven't had sex?

Andy Bernard

No.

Oscar Martinez

Y--Are you guys waiting to get married, or?

Andy Bernard

Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.

Oscar Martinez

Andy, something is wrong with that woman.

Andy Bernard

What is wrong with her?

Oscar Martinez

I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her.

Andy Bernard

I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?

Oscar Martinez

Do it! It's a--- Call her! (Andy holds up phone) Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. (giggling) Andy, don't call her!

Andy Bernard

Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. (Oscar laughs) Shh...

Angela Martin

(on phone) Hello? Hello?

Andy Bernard

What is wrong with you?

Oscar Martinez

Why won't you do Andy?

Angela Martin

What?

Andy Bernard

That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.

Angela Martin

Are you drunk?

Andy Bernard

This is Andy Bernard!

Angela Martin

I know who this is!

Andy Bernard

I wanna take you to sex school.

Angela Martin

What?

Dwight Schrute

(over phone) Who is that monkey?

Andy Bernard

Is somebody there?

Angela Martin

Are you drunk?

Andy Bernard

I have needs.

Angela Martin

We will discuss this later.

Andy Bernard

Naked.

Angela Martin

What?

Andy Bernard

We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.

Scene 25

3 lines

Michael Scott

(standing outside hotel room... whispering) Do you want to get some breakfast or something?

Concierge Marie

I am so tired.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Scene 26

14 lines

Jim Halpert

(noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look) How does everyone know already?

Dwight Schrute

Know what?

Meredith Palmer

Pam failed art school.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, well, doesn't surprise me.

Jim Halpert

Excuse me?

Dwight Schrute

Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.

Phyllis Vance

Dwight, stop it.

Stanley Hudson

Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

What? Are there two suns?

Meredith Palmer

Come on.

Stanley Hudson

Oh my God.

Dwight Schrute

Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.

Jim Halpert

I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.

Dwight Schrute

It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.

Scene 27

19 lines

Andy Bernard

Oscar

Oscar Martinez

Hey.

Andy Bernard

That was fun last night.

Oscar Martinez

Yeah, it was.

Andy Bernard

You know, it's true what they say--- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada.

Oscar Martinez

Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up.

Andy Bernard

You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. (Oscar laughs)

Oscar Martinez

I can't believe we called her up. (both laugh)

Andy Bernard

Totally. (continues laughing) What--- Who?

Oscar Martinez

I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night.

Andy Bernard

We called Angela?

Oscar Martinez

You--- you call--- you called her.

Andy Bernard

That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!

Oscar Martinez

Alright.

Andy Bernard

Oh, God!

Oscar Martinez

Okay.

Andy Bernard

So bad!

Oscar Martinez

Good morning, Michael. (Michael approaches table) Are you ready for the meeting?

Michael Scott

Slept like a baby.

Scene 28

15 lines

Kelly Kapoor

Mmmm.... mmm. This can't happen again.

Ryan Howard

This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?

Kelly Kapoor

Yeah.

Ryan Howard

Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press "send".

Kelly Kapoor

I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just---

Ryan Howard

Has to be done. We'll press send together. (phone beeps)

Kelly Kapoor

Oh my God. He's going to kill us.

Ryan Howard

I'd like to see him try. (kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps)

Kelly Kapoor

Oh! He says it's cool. (laughs) He said, "It's cool".

Ryan Howard

That's all he wrote?

Kelly Kapoor

That's all he wrote.

Ryan Howard

Can I see it?

Kelly Kapoor

Mmm hmm.

Ryan Howard

Didn't you two date for like a long time?

Kelly Kapoor

Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! (grabs Ryan and kisses him) Mmmm...

Scene 29

4 lines

Client

I'll be honest with you--- we've been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours.

Michael Scott

Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. (sighs)

Client

Everything okay?

Michael Scott

Yes.

Scene 30

11 lines

Andy Bernard

Oh man, she is so pissed. (sitting down by Oscar)

Oscar Martinez

Mmm...

Andy Bernard

She's taking us back to first base.

Oscar Martinez

What is first base with Angela?

Andy Bernard

I get to kiss her forehead. (looks at Oscar) I had a good time hanging out this weekend.

Oscar Martinez

I had a good time too.

Andy Bernard

Wingman for life. W.M.F.L

Oscar Martinez

Thank you.

Andy Bernard

You up for a chest bump?

Oscar Martinez

No.

Andy Bernard

Bro hug? (Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it) Back to basics. I like it.

Scene 31

1 line

Andy Bernard

I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he's delightful! (laughs)

Scene 32

21 lines

David Wallace

(on phone) Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale.

Michael Scott

Yeah, we locked him up for two years.

David Wallace

Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip.

Michael Scott

No. Actually the trip sucked.

David Wallace

Excuse me?

Michael Scott

The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.

David Wallace

What are you talking about?

Michael Scott

I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.

David Wallace

Okay.

Michael Scott

And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.

David Wallace

The hotel? What, M--- okay.

Michael Scott

It was not, it sucked.

David Wallace

I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad.

Michael Scott

Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a---

David Wallace

Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Michael Scott

That was a really good choice.

David Wallace

Michael, please lets listen for a second.

Michael Scott

No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That--- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that--- that was a sucky thing to do man.

David Wallace

Michael, sometimes---

Michael Scott

That was a really sucky thing to do.

David Wallace

Sometimes, we-- (Michael hangs up phone)

Scene 33

1 line

Michael Scott

Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. 'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone. That's respect.

Scene 34

2 lines

Kevin Malone

You did it, man. (fist bumps Jim) Day one. Congrats.

Jim Halpert

Thanks man.

Scene 35

9 lines

Pam Beesly

I'm coming back the wrong way. (smiles at Jim across the parking lot) It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. (laughs) Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff.... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?

Jim Halpert

I missed you.

Pam Beesly

I missed you too. (Jim kisses her)

Dwight Schrute

You're back.

Pam Beesly

Uh, yeah.

Dwight Schrute

Good. I need you to make five copies of these. (hands Pam papers)

Pam Beesly

I'm not going inside.

Dwight Schrute

Alright. First thing in the morning then.

Jim Halpert

Welcome back.

Scene 36

6 lines

Kelly Kapoor

We're back together again baby.

Ryan Howard

We're back.

Kelly Kapoor

They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny.

Ryan Howard

I--- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly.

Kelly Kapoor

Oh!

Ryan Howard

(whispers) Yeah.