Every line from The Office episode "Business Trip", season 5 episode 7.
Michael Scott: Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
Jim Halpert: Why are you telling us this?
Michael Scott: I am jetting off on an international business trip.
Jim Halpert: Where are you going?
Michael Scott: To Can-A-da.
Jim Halpert: Where is it?
David Wallace: (on speakerphone) Do you have your passport?
Michael Scott: I have my passport. (pats jacket pocket)
David Wallace: Got your per diem?
Michael Scott: I have my per diem. (holds up money) I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.
David Wallace: Michael, the... that's for your food.
Michael Scott: Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that.
Michael Scott: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.
David Wallace: Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad.
Michael Scott: Well that is all in the past.
David Wallace: And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge.
Michael Scott: They have one of those?
Michael Scott: (in a singsong voice) Lets do this!
Dwight Schrute: Wait, why do you need three suitcases?
Michael Scott: Two are for souvenirs.
Dwight Schrute: Do you have your money belt?
Michael Scott: I do. It's right here. (indicates to waist)
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. (demonstrates)
Michael Scott: No, I don't want to wear a bra.
Dwight Schrute: Here, let me help you. (reaches for Michael's money belt)
Michael Scott: Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight Schrute: Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.
Michael Scott: Okay. Where is my translator?
Michael Scott: There he is.
Andy Bernard: I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancee. (chuckles)
Andy Bernard: I will try.
Angela Martin: Meaning what?
Andy Bernard: Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.
Michael Scott: Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you (points at Jim) if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?
Michael Scott: There we go. Our town car awaits.
Meredith Palmer: It's just a van.
Michael Scott: Its not just a van.
Meredith Palmer: Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van.
Michael Scott: Dwight, can you get those please?
Dwight Schrute: (sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases)
Michael Scott: (on airplane) Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.
Andy Bernard: Ah... sweet!
Michael Scott: Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.
Andy Bernard: Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!
Michael Scott: Take a sip of that. (hands Andy his mimosa)
Michael Scott: That good?
Michael Scott: Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.
Andy Bernard: That's really good. (offers mimosa to Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: I'm good.
Michael Scott: You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
Stewardess: I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving.
Michael Scott: Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning.
Beth: We need to keep the isle clear.
Michael Scott: Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums.
Andy Bernard: Oh boy. (follows Oscar back to coach)
Michael Scott: (whisper) Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.
Oscar Martinez: (whispers) Andy brought one too.
Andy Bernard: (loudly) Harry and the Henderson's
Michael Scott: Shhhh! Keep it down.
Oscar Martinez: I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? (holds up sandwich)
Michael Scott: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? (Andy laughs) My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much.
Michael Scott: (to stewardess) Hi.
Michael Scott: Um. I'd like to see a menu please.
Beth: Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours.
Michael Scott: Oh... okay. (looks back at Andy and Oscar) Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a-- (cart crashes into Michael's leg) GAH!
Beth: What would you like to drink?
Ryan Howard: (walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk) Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension.
Kelly Kapoor: For you. I'm with Darryl.
Ryan Howard: This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. (gets on floor and starts doing pushups)
Kelly Kapoor: Is that supposed to impress me? (Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups)
Michael Scott: (going up escalator in the hotel) This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.
Oscar Martinez: I'll check us in.
Michael Scott: Very cool.
Andy Bernard: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.
Andy Bernard: Where's the concierge?
Michael Scott: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
Andy Bernard: Mmm... bingo! (indicates towards concierge desk) Follow moi, bro-sieur.
Andy Bernard: (to concierge) What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?
Concierge: Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.
Michael Scott: Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I--ah! This is great, thank you!
Andy Bernard: One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
Concierge: Oh, the Huntsman is good.
Andy Bernard: (nodding towards Michael) The Huntsman.
Concierge: Down here... the financial district.
Pam Beesly: (at school in NYC) Can't believe this. (pulls out cell phone... sighs)
Jim Halpert: (in office) Are you sure?
Pam Beesly: (over the phone) I just talked to my advisor. Failing.
Jim Halpert: Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.
Pam Beesly: I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek.
Pam Beesly: I have to stay and retake it.
Jim Halpert: (looks shocked) W---Wow. Um. Well... okay.
Pam Beesly: That means another twelve weeks. (pause) Can you do this for another three months?
Jim Halpert: It's not--- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream.
Pam Beesly: (over phone) I know.
Jim Halpert: And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?
Pam Beesly: (starting to cry) Right.
Jim Halpert: (concerned look on face) You okay?
Pam Beesly: (over phone) Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go.
Pam Beesly: (over phone) Love you. Bye.
Jim Halpert: Love you too. (hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying)
Michael Scott: Guys, she's in there.
Andy Bernard: Engaging wings (imitates mechanical sound)
Oscar Martinez: I'm probably going to leave after one drink.
Michael Scott: Let's do this.
Andy Bernard: Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.
Michael Scott: (goes up to concierge from the hotel) Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again.
Michael Scott: Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez.
Oscar Martinez: Nice to meet you. (shakes Marie's hand)
Michael Scott: Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie...
Michael Scott: ...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight.
Michael Scott: And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night---
Oscar Martinez: Michael, why?
Michael Scott: She's foreign. I am--
Andy Bernard: For Madame et monsieur. (hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine)
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you.
Andy Bernard: You're welcome.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Let me get a picture of you guys.
Andy Bernard: Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked.
Oscar Martinez: How do you even know they're gay?
Andy Bernard: Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. (turns to bartender) Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. (to Oscar) Bad decision in a glass.
Andy Bernard: You'll thank me when they spank thee.
Oscar Martinez: Don't do this. (watches Andy take drinks to the other table)
Andy Bernard: Do you guys like apples?
Andy Bernard: Do you like apples?
Guy at table: Uh, sorry... what?
Andy Bernard: Well, how do you like these apples? (sets drinks on table) Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? (indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly)
Guy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something?
Andy Bernard: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.
Guy: Dude, leave us alone alright?
Andy Bernard: Gentleman. (walks away)
Oscar Martinez: What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up.
Michael Scott: How about this one? It's Christmas eve---
Concierge Marie: Mmm-hmmm...
Michael Scott: ---and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?
Marie: Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day.
Michael Scott: Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
Oscar Martinez: If you don't mind me asking---
Andy Bernard: Anything. You can ask me anything.
Andy Bernard: I'm your wingman.
Oscar Martinez: Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.
Oscar Martinez: How could anyone stand that woman?
Oscar Martinez: What do you see in her? Wh -- what do you see in Angela?
Andy Bernard: What do I see in Angela?
Oscar Martinez: I want to know.
Andy Bernard: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.
Oscar Martinez: You haven't had sex?
Oscar Martinez: Y--Are you guys waiting to get married, or?
Andy Bernard: Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.
Oscar Martinez: Andy, something is wrong with that woman.
Andy Bernard: What is wrong with her?
Oscar Martinez: I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her.
Andy Bernard: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Oscar Martinez: Do it! It's a--- Call her! (Andy holds up phone) Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. (giggling) Andy, don't call her!
Andy Bernard: Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. (Oscar laughs) Shh...
Angela Martin: (on phone) Hello? Hello?
Andy Bernard: What is wrong with you?
Oscar Martinez: Why won't you do Andy?
Andy Bernard: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.
Angela Martin: Are you drunk?
Andy Bernard: This is Andy Bernard!
Angela Martin: I know who this is!
Andy Bernard: I wanna take you to sex school.
Dwight Schrute: (over phone) Who is that monkey?
Andy Bernard: Is somebody there?
Angela Martin: Are you drunk?
Andy Bernard: I have needs.
Angela Martin: We will discuss this later.
Andy Bernard: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.
Jim Halpert: (noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look) How does everyone know already?
Dwight Schrute: Know what?
Meredith Palmer: Pam failed art school.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, well, doesn't surprise me.
Dwight Schrute: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.
Phyllis Vance: Dwight, stop it.
Dwight Schrute: What? Are there two suns?
Meredith Palmer: Come on.
Stanley Hudson: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Dwight Schrute: It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.
Andy Bernard: That was fun last night.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, it was.
Andy Bernard: You know, it's true what they say--- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up.
Andy Bernard: You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. (Oscar laughs)
Oscar Martinez: I can't believe we called her up. (both laugh)
Andy Bernard: Totally. (continues laughing) What--- Who?
Oscar Martinez: I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night.
Andy Bernard: We called Angela?
Oscar Martinez: You--- you call--- you called her.
Andy Bernard: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!
Oscar Martinez: Good morning, Michael. (Michael approaches table) Are you ready for the meeting?
Michael Scott: Slept like a baby.
Kelly Kapoor: Mmmm.... mmm. This can't happen again.
Ryan Howard: This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?
Ryan Howard: Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press "send".
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just---
Ryan Howard: Has to be done. We'll press send together. (phone beeps)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God. He's going to kill us.
Ryan Howard: I'd like to see him try. (kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh! He says it's cool. (laughs) He said, "It's cool".
Ryan Howard: That's all he wrote?
Kelly Kapoor: That's all he wrote.
Ryan Howard: Can I see it?
Ryan Howard: Didn't you two date for like a long time?
Kelly Kapoor: Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! (grabs Ryan and kisses him) Mmmm...
Andy Bernard: Oh man, she is so pissed. (sitting down by Oscar)
Andy Bernard: She's taking us back to first base.
Oscar Martinez: What is first base with Angela?
Andy Bernard: I get to kiss her forehead. (looks at Oscar) I had a good time hanging out this weekend.
Oscar Martinez: I had a good time too.
Andy Bernard: Wingman for life. W.M.F.L
Oscar Martinez: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: You up for a chest bump?
Andy Bernard: Bro hug? (Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it) Back to basics. I like it.
David Wallace: (on phone) Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale.
Michael Scott: Yeah, we locked him up for two years.
David Wallace: Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip.
Michael Scott: No. Actually the trip sucked.
David Wallace: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.
David Wallace: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.
Michael Scott: And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.
David Wallace: The hotel? What, M--- okay.
Michael Scott: It was not, it sucked.
David Wallace: I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad.
Michael Scott: Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a---
David Wallace: Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.
Michael Scott: That was a really good choice.
David Wallace: Michael, please lets listen for a second.
Michael Scott: No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That--- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that--- that was a sucky thing to do man.
David Wallace: Michael, sometimes---
Michael Scott: That was a really sucky thing to do.
David Wallace: Sometimes, we-- (Michael hangs up phone)
Pam Beesly: I'm coming back the wrong way. (smiles at Jim across the parking lot) It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. (laughs) Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff.... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?
Jim Halpert: I missed you.
Pam Beesly: I missed you too. (Jim kisses her)
Dwight Schrute: You're back.
Dwight Schrute: Good. I need you to make five copies of these. (hands Pam papers)
Pam Beesly: I'm not going inside.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. First thing in the morning then.
Jim Halpert: Welcome back.
Kelly Kapoor: We're back together again baby.
Kelly Kapoor: They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny.
Ryan Howard: I--- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly.
Ryan Howard: (whispers) Yeah.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 5. Business Trip is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.