Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Frame Toby

Vol. 5 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Toby is back from Costa Rica and Michael is absolutely losing it. You'll find every line from the script here, from the awkward caprese salad drug bust to Jim's big reveal of his parents' house to Pam. It even includes Dwight’s legendary monologue about the perfect crime at Tiffany’s.

Scene 01

25 lines
Angela Martin
Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?
Kevin Malone
(with mouth full) Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie.
Jim Halpert
So why did you come in here?
Dwight Schrute
To socialize. And inform.
Michael Scott
Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier.
Ryan Howard
You're taking two?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby.
Michael Scott
Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Kelly Kapoor
Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.
Michael Scott
Heh, okay, weirdo.
Jim Halpert
Why is that, why is that weird?
Michael Scott
She said she was going to give it to him right now. (starts laughing)
Jim Halpert
(laughing) She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other.
Michael Scott
Yeah, they used to.
Jim Halpert
Toby works here again.
Michael Scott
Oh, can you imagine?
Jim Halpert
Oh no.
Michael Scott
Uhhgh.
Jim Halpert
You don't know.
Michael Scott
I don't know. What?
Jim Halpert
You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back.
Michael Scott
Hmmm, dare I? (laughs) You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. (walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle) Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. (turns around and sees Toby)
Toby Flenderson
Hi, Micha-
Michael Scott
NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!

Scene 02

5 lines
Michael Scott
(watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds) Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
Dwight Schrute
He looks great.
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Well rested.
Michael Scott
He looks worse.

Scene 03

7 lines
David Wallace
Michael, is everyone okay?
Michael Scott
Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance.
David Wallace
I don't understand, is anyone hurt?
Michael Scott
Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.
David Wallace
Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME.
Michael Scott
Yes.
David Wallace
All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Scene 05

16 lines
David Wallace
Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
Michael Scott
I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
Dwight Schrute
Also, it's icky back there.
Michael Scott
That's true. People say it's icky.
David Wallace
Okay, I have to go.
Michael Scott
David, wait.
David Wallace
No.
Michael Scott
Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace
Not without cause, Michael.
Michael Scott
I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.
David Wallace
You have to get along with Toby.
Michael Scott
No.
David Wallace
Yep.
Michael Scott
I don't.
David Wallace
Goodbye, Michael. (hangs up)
Michael Scott
(Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders) Don't do that.

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
(pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food) Oh, come on! (to the documentary crew) Do you see this? Disgusting.

Scene 07

7 lines
Andy Bernard
So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that.
Andy Bernard
Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle.
Jim Halpert
That's really not cool.
Andy Bernard
Kaaw!
Kevin Malone
So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. (tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting) She's gonna love it. Right?

Scene 09

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?
Andy Bernard
Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets.
Phyllis Vance
Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic.
Jim Halpert
Oh thanks, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Where's your place?
Jim Halpert
Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?
Phyllis Vance
Ohhh...
Creed Bratton
Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Jim Halpert
Definitely we should.

Scene 10

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
(reading from a note on the microwave) "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy Bernard
That is just obnoxious.
Oscar Martinez
No kidding.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note?
Oscar Martinez
The note. So "holier than thou".
Angela Martin
Hmm, I liked it.
Pam Beesly
Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy Bernard
No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith Palmer
Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie.
Pam Beesly
Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith Palmer
Yeh, they're rich.

Scene 11

15 lines
Michael Scott
You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. (walks to the annex) Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again.
Toby Flenderson
Well thanks Michael.
Michael Scott
You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.
Toby Flenderson
Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too.
Michael Scott
So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.
Toby Flenderson
Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine...
Michael Scott
Nice beaches, pristine beaches?
Toby Flenderson
...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic.
Michael Scott
Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?
Toby Flenderson
It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found.
Michael Scott
I bet, for you.
Toby Flenderson
And uh, yeah, plus it was hot.
Michael Scott
(shifting uncomfortably and sweating) Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition--- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.
Toby Flenderson
Are you all right, Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I am. I am.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.

Scene 13

17 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, just summarize.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment.
Michael Scott
That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act.
Dwight Schrute
I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.
Michael Scott
Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started.
Dwight Schrute
Okay (stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie)
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
(removes glasses) I am the bait.
Michael Scott
For what?
Dwight Schrute
Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott
No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott
You're the bait for Toby?
Dwight Schrute
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight Schrute
Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott
Yes, sure they do, Dwight.

Scene 14

16 lines
Pam Beesly
When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that.
Jim Halpert
Mmhmm, yeah.
Pam Beesly
(looks up) Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?
Jim Halpert
Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?
Pam Beesly
Are you inching away from me?
Jim Halpert
No.
Pam Beesly
Reach your arms out.
Jim Halpert
(laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk) I'm always this close.
Michael Scott
Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please.
Jim Halpert
Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so...
Michael Scott
Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.
Pam Beesly
What do you need, Michael?
Michael Scott
Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me?
Michael Scott
Good. (Pam stands up and starts reading note) N-no no no, don't.
Pam Beesly
"Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you."
Michael Scott
Pam. Pam, you gave me your word.

Scene 15

30 lines
Ryan Howard
(kissing Kelly against her desk) You did that for me?
Kelly Kapoor
Mmhmm.
Ryan Howard
Are you happy you did?
Toby Flenderson
Hey guys that's really inappropriate.
Ryan Howard
(kisses for a little longer) What's up?
Michael Scott
Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?
Ryan Howard
Yeah, yeah I'll see them.
Michael Scott
Toby can I see those? Ooh. (takes photos and throws them on the floor) What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared?
Dwight Schrute
Those are fighting words.
Michael Scott
You mad? You mad at me?
Dwight Schrute
I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.
Michael Scott
Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me?
Dwight Schrute
Hmmm?
Michael Scott
Huh? He might do it...
Kelly Kapoor
Punch him, Toby!
Michael Scott
I dare you to. Come on.
Dwight Schrute
Come on. (making karate moves) Baaah!
Michael Scott
What's the matter... haaaww!
Dwight Schrute
Hit him! Hit him, Chicken.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, punch him.
Michael Scott
Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?
Dwight Schrute
Ryan. Come on, man?
Michael Scott
No do it, do it. I dare you.
Dwight Schrute
Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.
Michael Scott
Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon...
Toby Flenderson
I'm not going to punch you, Michael.
Dwight Schrute
Are you really not going to punch him?
Toby Flenderson
No, why would I punch you?
Michael Scott
Son of a bitch.
Ryan Howard
(as Toby picks up his photos) You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man.

Scene 16

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day
Michael Scott
(mouth full of brownie) Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day.
Dwight Schrute
There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Michael Scott
What's that?
Dwight Schrute
(goes over and closes office door) Frame him, for using drugs.
Michael Scott
Frame him?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal.
Michael Scott
I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight Schrute
Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Michael Scott
Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

Scene 17

15 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? (they stare at him) Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something.
Vance Refrigeration guy
A fridge?
Michael Scott
No. Uh, I wanted--- I wanted to buy some weed? Some...
Vance Refrigeration guy
What?
Michael Scott
Grass, weed?
Leo
What makes you think we'd have weed?
Michael Scott
I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt.
Vance Refrigeration Guy
(whispers in Leo's ear) Hey, just hold on one second.
Michael Scott
I'm not wearing a wire, so...
Leo
Why would you even say that?
Vance Refrigeration Guy
(comes back up to Michael) Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars.
Michael Scott
How much? How many pounds is it?
Vance Refrigeration Guy
It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away.
Leo
Walk away.
Vance Refrigeration Guy
Walk away.

Scene 18

11 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Ryan Howard
I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess.
Pam Beesly
I know, can you believe it?
Ryan Howard
Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up.
Pam Beesly
I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?
Ryan Howard
Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse.
Pam Beesly
How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?
Ryan Howard
I--- I would find a way.
Pam Beesly
You've seen things cleaned before though, right?
Ryan Howard
I--- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh...

Scene 19

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot...

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on a cell phone in the hallway) Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson (Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it) and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon.

Scene 21

5 lines
Police Officer 1
Hi, we received a call?
Pam Beesly
I don't know anything about that.
Police Officer 1
We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation.
Pam Beesly
Here?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. (leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears)

Scene 22

1 line
Creed Bratton
Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.

Scene 23

53 lines
Michael Scott
Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. (follows them)
Dwight Schrute
Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, what is this?
Dwight Schrute
Search his things.
Police Officer 2
Sir, can you step away from your desk please?
Toby Flenderson
Why?
Police Officer 2
Sir, please step away from your desk.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this.
Dwight Schrute
They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this?
Michael Scott
Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding.
Toby Flenderson
Don't search my stuff.
Police Officer 1
Sir?
Toby Flenderson
I have a reasonable right to privacy.
Dwight Schrute
Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.
Toby Flenderson
Michael!
Michael Scott
Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?
Police Officer 1
Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?
Toby Flenderson
Oh my God!
Michael Scott
No, no no no... No, no.
Toby Flenderson
That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?
Michael Scott
No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate.
Police Officer 1
Really?
Police Officer 2
Check this out.
Michael Scott
Oh God!
Toby Flenderson
That is not mine. I have never seen that before.
Michael Scott
No, no no no no.
Police Officer 1
Turn around.
Toby Flenderson
What is going on here?
Michael Scott
God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!
Police Officer 1
Do you have any weapons?
Toby Flenderson
Of course not!
Michael Scott
Ahh, that's mine.
Dwight Schrute
No! Michael, no!
Michael Scott
Yes, it's mine.
Police Officer 2
Some basil. Salad dressing, I think.
Police Officer 1
Salad dressing?
Police Officer 2
Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me? That's my salad.
Dwight Schrute
So wait a minute, there's no drugs?
Police Officer 2
No.
Dwight Schrute
Gahh, dammit! (punches file cabinet) Come on!
Police Officer 1
We got a fake tip.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?
Police Officer 1
No.
Dwight Schrute
(following them out) You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?
Michael Scott
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Toby Flenderson
I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hmm.
Toby Flenderson
Did you?
Michael Scott
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.
Toby Flenderson
You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.

Scene 24

7 lines
Michael Scott
You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...
Toby Flenderson
I did leave.
Michael Scott
Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history.
Toby Flenderson
Well, I don't see it that way.
Michael Scott
Do you want to hear a lie?
Toby Flenderson
What?
Michael Scott
I think you're great. You're my best friend.

Scene 25

10 lines
Ryan Howard
(stops kissing Kelly) I can't do this.
Kelly Kapoor
Can't do what?
Ryan Howard
It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.
Kelly Kapoor
Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.
Ryan Howard
That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, can I come?
Ryan Howard
It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you?
Kelly Kapoor
So you're dumping me?
Ryan Howard
Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay?

Scene 26

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(walking out of the building) Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Cool.

Scene 27

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(getting out of the car) What are we doing at your parent's house?
Jim Halpert
I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now (spins her around once) open your eyes. Tadah!
Pam Beesly
I don't get it.
Jim Halpert
I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. (walking inside) So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. (Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall) Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. (upstairs) This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... (shuts the door)

Scene 28

13 lines
Jim Halpert
(outside) So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect (opens garage door) for an art studio. (Pam looks around and then looks at him) Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just---
Pam Beesly
I love it.
Jim Halpert
You do?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I love it!
Jim Halpert
Really?
Pam Beesly
I mean, you bought me a house!
Jim Halpert
Oh my God...
Pam Beesly
You bought me a house!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I did. (they kiss)
Pam Beesly
Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom?
Jim Halpert
No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.
Pam Beesly
And the clown?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I can't... really can't move him.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.