This page contains all the lines from The Office season 5 episode 8 "Frame Toby". In this episode, Michael tries to frame Toby for using drugs after he returns from Costa Rica. Also, Jim buys his parents' house for Pam without telling her.
Angela Martin:Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?
Kevin Malone:(with mouth full) Yes.
Dwight Schrute:Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie.
Jim Halpert:So why did you come in here?
Dwight Schrute:To socialize. And inform.
Michael Scott:Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier.
Ryan Howard:You're taking two?
Kelly Kapoor:Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby.
Michael Scott:Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Kelly Kapoor:Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.
Michael Scott:Heh, okay, weirdo.
Jim Halpert:Why is that, why is that weird?
Michael Scott:She said she was going to give it to him right now. (starts laughing)
Jim Halpert:(laughing) She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other.
Michael Scott:Yeah, they used to.
Jim Halpert:Toby works here again.
Michael Scott:Oh, can you imagine?
Jim Halpert:Oh no.
Michael Scott:Uhhgh.
Jim Halpert:You don't know.
Michael Scott:I don't know. What?
Jim Halpert:You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back.
Michael Scott:Hmmm, dare I? (laughs) You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. (walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle) Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. (turns around and sees Toby)
Toby Flenderson:Hi, Micha-
Michael Scott:NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!
Michael Scott:(watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds) Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
Dwight Schrute:He looks great.
Michael Scott:No.
Dwight Schrute:Well rested.
Michael Scott:He looks worse.
David Wallace:Michael, is everyone okay?
Michael Scott:Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance.
David Wallace:I don't understand, is anyone hurt?
Michael Scott:Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.
David Wallace:Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME.
Michael Scott:Yes.
David Wallace:All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?
Michael Scott:I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
David Wallace:Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
Michael Scott:I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
Dwight Schrute:Also, it's icky back there.
Michael Scott:That's true. People say it's icky.
David Wallace:Okay, I have to go.
Michael Scott:David, wait.
David Wallace:No.
Michael Scott:Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace:Not without cause, Michael.
Michael Scott:I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.
David Wallace:You have to get along with Toby.
Michael Scott:No.
David Wallace:Yep.
Michael Scott:I don't.
David Wallace:Goodbye, Michael. (hangs up)
Michael Scott:(Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders) Don't do that.
Pam Beesly:(pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food) Oh, come on! (to the documentary crew) Do you see this? Disgusting.
Andy Bernard:So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that.
Andy Bernard:Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle.
Jim Halpert:That's really not cool.
Andy Bernard:Kaaw!
Kevin Malone:So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right.
Jim Halpert:Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. (tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting) She's gonna love it. Right?
Jim Halpert:Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?
Andy Bernard:Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets.
Phyllis Vance:Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic.
Jim Halpert:Oh thanks, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance:Where's your place?
Jim Halpert:Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?
Phyllis Vance:Ohhh...
Creed Bratton:Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Jim Halpert:Definitely we should.
Oscar Martinez:(reading from a note on the microwave) "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy Bernard:That is just obnoxious.
Oscar Martinez:No kidding.
Pam Beesly:Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note?
Oscar Martinez:The note. So "holier than thou".
Angela Martin:Hmm, I liked it.
Pam Beesly:Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy Bernard:No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith Palmer:Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie.
Pam Beesly:Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith Palmer:Yeh, they're rich.
Michael Scott:You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. (walks to the annex) Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again.
Toby Flenderson:Well thanks Michael.
Michael Scott:You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.
Toby Flenderson:Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too.
Michael Scott:So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.
Toby Flenderson:Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine...
Michael Scott:Nice beaches, pristine beaches?
Toby Flenderson:...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic.
Michael Scott:Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?
Toby Flenderson:It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found.
Michael Scott:I bet, for you.
Toby Flenderson:And uh, yeah, plus it was hot.
Michael Scott:(shifting uncomfortably and sweating) Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition--- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.
Toby Flenderson:Are you all right, Michael?
Michael Scott:Yeah, I am. I am.
Michael Scott:I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.
Michael Scott:Okay, just summarize.
Dwight Schrute:Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment.
Michael Scott:That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act.
Dwight Schrute:I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.
Michael Scott:Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started.
Dwight Schrute:Okay (stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie)
Michael Scott:What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute:(removes glasses) I am the bait.
Michael Scott:For what?
Dwight Schrute:Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott:No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute:Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott:You're the bait for Toby?
Dwight Schrute:Mmhmm.
Michael Scott:No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight Schrute:Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott:Yes, sure they do, Dwight.
Pam Beesly:When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that.
Jim Halpert:Mmhmm, yeah.
Pam Beesly:(looks up) Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?
Jim Halpert:Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?
Pam Beesly:Are you inching away from me?
Jim Halpert:No.
Pam Beesly:Reach your arms out.
Jim Halpert:(laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk) I'm always this close.
Michael Scott:Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please.
Jim Halpert:Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so...
Michael Scott:Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.
Pam Beesly:What do you need, Michael?
Michael Scott:Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me?
Michael Scott:Good. (Pam stands up and starts reading note) N-no no no, don't.
Pam Beesly:"Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you."
Michael Scott:Pam. Pam, you gave me your word.
Ryan Howard:(kissing Kelly against her desk) You did that for me?
Ryan Howard:(kisses for a little longer) What's up?
Michael Scott:Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?
Ryan Howard:Yeah, yeah I'll see them.
Michael Scott:Toby can I see those? Ooh. (takes photos and throws them on the floor) What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared?
Dwight Schrute:Those are fighting words.
Michael Scott:You mad? You mad at me?
Dwight Schrute:I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.
Michael Scott:Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me?
Dwight Schrute:Hmmm?
Michael Scott:Huh? He might do it...
Kelly Kapoor:Punch him, Toby!
Michael Scott:I dare you to. Come on.
Dwight Schrute:Come on. (making karate moves) Baaah!
Michael Scott:What's the matter... haaaww!
Dwight Schrute:Hit him! Hit him, Chicken.
Ryan Howard:Yeah, punch him.
Michael Scott:Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?
Dwight Schrute:Ryan. Come on, man?
Michael Scott:No do it, do it. I dare you.
Dwight Schrute:Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.
Michael Scott:Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon...
Toby Flenderson:I'm not going to punch you, Michael.
Dwight Schrute:Are you really not going to punch him?
Toby Flenderson:No, why would I punch you?
Michael Scott:Son of a bitch.
Ryan Howard:(as Toby picks up his photos) You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man.
Dwight Schrute:I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day
Michael Scott:(mouth full of brownie) Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day.
Dwight Schrute:There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Michael Scott:What's that?
Dwight Schrute:(goes over and closes office door) Frame him, for using drugs.
Michael Scott:Frame him?
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal.
Michael Scott:I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight Schrute:Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Michael Scott:Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Michael Scott:Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? (they stare at him) Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something.
Vance Refrigeration guy:A fridge?
Michael Scott:No. Uh, I wanted--- I wanted to buy some weed? Some...
Vance Refrigeration guy:What?
Michael Scott:Grass, weed?
Leo:What makes you think we'd have weed?
Michael Scott:I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt.
Vance Refrigeration Guy:(whispers in Leo's ear) Hey, just hold on one second.
Michael Scott:I'm not wearing a wire, so...
Leo:Why would you even say that?
Vance Refrigeration Guy:(comes back up to Michael) Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars.
Michael Scott:How much? How many pounds is it?
Vance Refrigeration Guy:It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away.
Leo:Walk away.
Vance Refrigeration Guy:Walk away.
Ryan Howard:Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.
Pam Beesly:Thank you.
Ryan Howard:I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess.
Pam Beesly:I know, can you believe it?
Ryan Howard:Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up.
Pam Beesly:I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?
Ryan Howard:Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse.
Pam Beesly:How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?
Ryan Howard:I--- I would find a way.
Pam Beesly:You've seen things cleaned before though, right?
Ryan Howard:I--- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh...
Kelly Kapoor:Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott:Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot...
Dwight Schrute:(on a cell phone in the hallway) Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson (Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it) and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon.
Police Officer 1:Hi, we received a call?
Pam Beesly:I don't know anything about that.
Police Officer 1:We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation.
Pam Beesly:Here?
Dwight Schrute:Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. (leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears)
Creed Bratton:Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
Michael Scott:Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. (follows them)
Dwight Schrute:Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, what is this?
Dwight Schrute:Search his things.
Police Officer 2:Sir, can you step away from your desk please?
Toby Flenderson:Why?
Police Officer 2:Sir, please step away from your desk.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this.
Dwight Schrute:They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission.
Toby Flenderson:Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this?
Michael Scott:Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding.
Toby Flenderson:Don't search my stuff.
Police Officer 1:Sir?
Toby Flenderson:I have a reasonable right to privacy.
Dwight Schrute:Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.
Toby Flenderson:Michael!
Michael Scott:Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?
Police Officer 1:Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?
Toby Flenderson:Oh my God!
Michael Scott:No, no no no... No, no.
Toby Flenderson:That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?
Michael Scott:No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate.
Police Officer 1:Really?
Police Officer 2:Check this out.
Michael Scott:Oh God!
Toby Flenderson:That is not mine. I have never seen that before.
Michael Scott:No, no no no no.
Police Officer 1:Turn around.
Toby Flenderson:What is going on here?
Michael Scott:God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!
Police Officer 1:Do you have any weapons?
Toby Flenderson:Of course not!
Michael Scott:Ahh, that's mine.
Dwight Schrute:No! Michael, no!
Michael Scott:Yes, it's mine.
Police Officer 2:Some basil. Salad dressing, I think.
Police Officer 1:Salad dressing?
Police Officer 2:Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there.
Michael Scott:Are you kidding me? That's my salad.
Dwight Schrute:So wait a minute, there's no drugs?
Police Officer 2:No.
Dwight Schrute:Gahh, dammit! (punches file cabinet) Come on!
Police Officer 1:We got a fake tip.
Dwight Schrute:Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?
Police Officer 1:No.
Dwight Schrute:(following them out) You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?
Michael Scott:You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Toby Flenderson:I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.
Michael Scott:Hmm.
Toby Flenderson:Did you?
Michael Scott:Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.
Toby Flenderson:You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.
Michael Scott:Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.
Michael Scott:You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...
Toby Flenderson:I did leave.
Michael Scott:Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history.
Toby Flenderson:Well, I don't see it that way.
Michael Scott:Do you want to hear a lie?
Toby Flenderson:What?
Michael Scott:I think you're great. You're my best friend.
Ryan Howard:(stops kissing Kelly) I can't do this.
Kelly Kapoor:Can't do what?
Ryan Howard:It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.
Kelly Kapoor:Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.
Ryan Howard:That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.
Kelly Kapoor:Oh, can I come?
Ryan Howard:It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you?
Kelly Kapoor:So you're dumping me?
Ryan Howard:Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.
Kelly Kapoor:Okay?
Jim Halpert:(walking out of the building) Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?
Pam Beesly:Sure.
Jim Halpert:Cool.
Pam Beesly:(getting out of the car) What are we doing at your parent's house?
Jim Halpert:I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now (spins her around once) open your eyes. Tadah!
Pam Beesly:I don't get it.
Jim Halpert:I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. (walking inside) So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. (Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall) Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. (upstairs) This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... (shuts the door)
Jim Halpert:(outside) So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect (opens garage door) for an art studio. (Pam looks around and then looks at him) Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just---
Pam Beesly:I love it.
Jim Halpert:You do?
Pam Beesly:Yeah, I love it!
Jim Halpert:Really?
Pam Beesly:I mean, you bought me a house!
Jim Halpert:Oh my God...
Pam Beesly:You bought me a house!
Jim Halpert:Yeah, I did. (they kiss)
Pam Beesly:Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom?
Jim Halpert:No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.
Pam Beesly:And the clown?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, I can't... really can't move him.
Dwight Schrute:What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
In The Office episode 8 season 5, "Frame Toby" is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote to share on social media. The episode starts with Toby's return from Costa Rica. Michael is horrified by this. He texts David Wallace "911" to get his attention. He then tries to get Toby fired. Dwight suggests they frame Toby for drug use. Michael buys what he thinks is weed. He plants it in Toby's desk. Dwight calls the police as a former volunteer sheriff. The police arrive and search Toby's desk. They find the "drugs," which turn out to be caprese salad. Michael admits it's his.
Meanwhile, Jim has a big secret. He bought his parents' house for Pam and him. He hasn't told Pam yet. Andy finds out and makes jokes. Jim asks everyone to keep it quiet. He wants to surprise Pam. Later, Jim takes Pam to the house. He shows her around the dated home. Pam is shocked at first. Then she says she loves it. She's thrilled that Jim bought them a house. Jim is relieved and happy.
A side plot involves a dirty microwave. Someone left a mess in the office microwave. Pam writes a note about it. She signs it "Sincerely, disappointed." Some people think the note is rude. Others think the mess is worse. Ryan breaks up with Kelly. He says he's going to Thailand. He asks Kelly for money. She agrees, hoping for one last intimate moment. He says no.
