Every line from The Office episode "The Surplus", season 5 episode 9.
Oscar Martinez: Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael Scott: Mmm... okay.
Oscar Martinez: As you can see, we did pretty well, so...
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Oscar Martinez: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...
Oscar Martinez: Right there.
Michael Scott: There's the x-ax...icks.
Oscar Martinez: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm, okay.
Oscar Martinez: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael Scott: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar Martinez: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Oscar Martinez: So you have an extra dollar.
Oscar Martinez: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael Scott: I'll be six.
Oscar Martinez: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.
Michael Scott: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar Martinez: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael Scott: (whistles poorly) Whoo.
Oscar Martinez: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.
Michael Scott: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...
Michael Scott: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... (imitates drum roll) Can anybody guess?
Michael Scott: No, a new copier! (only Oscar applauds) Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar Martinez: No, no, please. Please do not do this.
Pam Beesly: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael Scott: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam Beesly: (over indistinct conversation) Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...
Oscar Martinez: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam Beesly: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam Beesly: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Stanley Hudson: I'm with Pam. Chairs.
Michael Scott: Alright, so, teams forming.
Toby Flenderson: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael Scott: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby Flenderson: You'll see.
Pam Beesly: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.
Jim Halpert: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.
Meredith Palmer: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.
Creed Bratton: The balls on you, man.
Oscar Martinez: So Michael, what do you think?
Jim Halpert: You have to make the decision.
Michael Scott: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.
Andy Bernard: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, do tell.
Andy Bernard: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Andy Bernard: "Walk until you hear the beehive."
Dwight Schrute: How could it be more clear?
Angela Martin: I think Andy makes an excellent point.
Angela Martin: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight Schrute: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela Martin: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight Schrute: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.
Andy Bernard: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?
Pam Beesly: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...
Pam Beesly: I really think you should reconsider.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I know.
Pam Beesly: But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim Halpert: Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam Beesly: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. (whispers) But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground (kisses Jim). (at normal volume) All right.
Dwight Schrute: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy Bernard: Hmm... mm, what's that smell?
Dwight Schrute: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela Martin: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight Schrute: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
Angela Martin: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight Schrute: You wanna eat, don't you?
Angela Martin: Honey, say something!
Andy Bernard: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight Schrute: ...I'll consider it.
Andy Bernard: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. (steps in manure, trying to laugh it off) ...Darn! Heh.
Dwight Schrute: There's a hose out back.
Pam Beesly: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?
Pam Beesly: Well that never happened.
Michael Scott: I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Oscar Martinez: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Michael Scott: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Jim Halpert: Woah, you guys going to lunch?
Jim Halpert: Mind if I join?
Michael Scott: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim Halpert: Let's do it.
Michael Scott: All right! Cool!
Jim Halpert: Where we going?
Michael Scott: I have no idea.
Oscar Martinez: (laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim) Stop it! Michael.
Jim Halpert: Michael, that is hilarious.
Michael Scott: (through the laughter) Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Oscar Martinez: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. (all three are still laughing)
Jim Halpert: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Pam Beesly: That's cool. (opens the container and smells the tiramisu) Mm, good stuff. (throws it in the garbage)
Jim Halpert: You look really pretty.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. (goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door)
Pam Beesly: You got a second?
Pam Beesly: Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael Scott: it was fun. We had a good time.
Pam Beesly: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael Scott: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
Pam Beesly: That is amazing!
Michael Scott: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Michael Scott: Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Michael Scott: Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam Beesly: (applauding) No way!
Michael Scott: Look at that. (begins dancing) Unh. Unh-unh.
Pam Beesly: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.
Michael Scott: Yes they were.
Michael Scott: They were.
Pam Beesly: Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day...
Pam Beesly: But not everyone...
Michael Scott: Sits on a copier.
Pam Beesly: Or even uses the copier every day.
Michael Scott: Very valid.
Pam Beesly: ...That's it. (giggles)
Michael Scott: All right.
Pam Beesly: All right, see you later...
Michael Scott: (laughs) Hahaha!... well...
Dwight Schrute: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela Martin: No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela Martin: I would like cat.
Dwight Schrute: Cats don't make butter.
Angela Martin: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight Schrute: It doesn't make any sense.
Angela Martin: Yes it does!
Andy Bernard: Okay, guys!
Angela Martin: I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Dwight Schrute: Cow, goat or sheep.
Andy Bernard: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- (steps in manure) Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!
Jim Halpert: (Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine) You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.
Pam Beesly: No, copier's great.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I have my copies. (holds up messed up copies)
Jim Halpert: There they are.
Pam Beesly: And I have my original. (holds up original paper, ripped in half)
Kevin Malone: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you my dear.
Kelly Kapoor: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
Stanley Hudson: There he is!
Michael Scott: There he is! Hello, hello!
Michael Scott: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Michael Scott: Mm! (gives Jim a high five) Yeah!
Pam Beesly: There's that ass!
Michael Scott: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Pam Beesly: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!
Michael Scott: Oh... ah, I almost choked.
Dwight Schrute: Here's another place.
Angela Martin: It's beautiful.
Dwight Schrute: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Andy Bernard: (whistling Pachelbel's "Canon in D;" switches to singing then back to whistling)
Angela Martin: (to minister) Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Angela Martin: I work with Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Dwight Schrute: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... (speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German) And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." (Andy mouths, "I do" silently) And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Dwight Schrute: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
Hank Tate: Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam Beesly: Did somebody call Hank?
Michael Scott: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank Tate: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Michael Scott: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. (Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar) Yeah, take as many as you want.
Hank Tate: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Hank Tate: So what are we talking about?
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank Tate: I know what a surplus is.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank Tate: Is that the copier?
Michael Scott: It is, yes.
Hank Tate: (inspects the copier) Hmm.
Hank Tate: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Pam Beesly: You can try mine.
Michael Scott: Oh, there we go.
Hank Tate: Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Michael Scott: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank Tate: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael Scott: So, the copier.
Hank Tate: Well, let me finish.
Michael Scott: All right, yes.
Hank Tate: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael Scott: Well, what should I do?
Hank Tate: ...Let me see the copier again.
Michael Scott: All right, get out. Get out.
Angela Martin: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight Schrute: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela Martin: What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela Martin: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight Schrute: Yes, of course it does.
Angela Martin: No, it doesn't!
Dwight Schrute: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Dwight Schrute: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela Martin: We are not married.
Angela Martin: Take this thing. (takes off twine ring)
Dwight Schrute: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy Bernard: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? (Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball) Ow!
David Wallace: (on speakerphone) Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey David- (begins coughing violently) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David Wallace: Is this why you're calling me?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- (coughs again) I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
David Wallace: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David Wallace: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael Scott: The what now?
David Wallace: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael Scott: ...Like a tip? (calculates amount) $645?!
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Michael Scott: All right, attention everyone.
Jim Halpert: Let me call you right back. Okay.
Michael Scott: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... (puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass) working perfectly.
Oscar Martinez: That's the original.
Michael Scott: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? (sits in Pam's chair) Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. (slowly sinking into the chair) Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? (the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk) They don't have copiers. They don't even- (struggles to get up from Pam's chair) Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Oscar Martinez: Do you know?
Michael Scott: Do I know what?
Oscar Martinez: I think you know.
Phyllis Vance: Know what?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, know what?
Oscar Martinez: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Kevin Malone: Michael's a genius.
Oscar Martinez: Why'd you say dollars?
Michael Scott: Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar Martinez: What's 15% of 200? (Michael doesn't answer) Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Pam Beesly: You can do that?
Kevin Malone: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Michael Scott: Let's see...
Pam Beesly: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Michael Scott: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar Martinez: You're gonna get us a copier then?
Michael Scott: This is so stupid.
Michael Scott: This is so, so stupid. And, God... (looks at his watch) that's my phone.
Stanley Hudson: I didn't hear a phone.
Michael Scott: To be continued!
Pam Beesly: So what's it gonna be?
Oscar Martinez: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam Beesly: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar Martinez: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael Scott: (groans in frustration) You think it's easy?
Stanley Hudson: It's your job.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?
Michael Scott: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- (Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen) Hey.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Oscar Martinez: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam Beesly: Thanks Michael.
Michael Scott: Good work. I'm proud of you. (Pam and Oscar leave) Mother-
Michael Scott: (wearing a fur coat) What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, (camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat) you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I guess, since I won.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. (begins to walk away, then turns back) Totally kidding. (leans in, whispers) I'm gonna need four. (kisses Pam)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 5. The Surplus is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.