Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Surplus

Vol. 5 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Oscar finds a budget surplus, sparking a civil war between Team Chairs and Team Copier. While the office fights over furniture, Dwight and Angela head to the farm for some wedding planning that gets a little too real. You can check out every single line from the script to see how Michael eventually ends up in a fur coat.

Scene 01

24 lines
Oscar Martinez
Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael Scott
Mmm... okay.
Oscar Martinez
As you can see, we did pretty well, so...
Michael Scott
Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Oscar Martinez
Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...
Michael Scott
Yes.
Oscar Martinez
Right there.
Michael Scott
There's the x-ax...icks.
Oscar Martinez
You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm, okay.
Oscar Martinez
But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael Scott
Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar Martinez
Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael Scott
Ho-oh!
Oscar Martinez
So you have an extra dollar.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael Scott
I'll be six.
Oscar Martinez
And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.
Michael Scott
So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar Martinez
We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael Scott
(whistles poorly) Whoo.
Oscar Martinez
We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.
Michael Scott
Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...

Scene 02

22 lines
Michael Scott
Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... (imitates drum roll) Can anybody guess?
Pam Beesly
New chairs?
Michael Scott
No, a new copier! (only Oscar applauds) Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar Martinez
No, no, please. Please do not do this.
Pam Beesly
Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael Scott
So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam Beesly
(over indistinct conversation) Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...
Oscar Martinez
Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam Beesly
Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam Beesly
Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Stanley Hudson
I'm with Pam. Chairs.
Michael Scott
Alright, so, teams forming.
Toby Flenderson
We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael Scott
You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby Flenderson
You'll see.
Pam Beesly
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.
Jim Halpert
Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.
Pam Beesly
What? Jim.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.

Scene 04

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.
Creed Bratton
The balls on you, man.
Oscar Martinez
So Michael, what do you think?
Michael Scott
Why me?
Jim Halpert
You have to make the decision.
Michael Scott
Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.

Scene 05

13 lines
Andy Bernard
Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, do tell.
Andy Bernard
I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Dwight Schrute
Mmhmm.
Andy Bernard
"Walk until you hear the beehive."
Dwight Schrute
How could it be more clear?
Angela Martin
I think Andy makes an excellent point.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Angela Martin
But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight Schrute
We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela Martin
Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight Schrute
Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.
Andy Bernard
Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?

Scene 06

1 line
Andy Bernard
We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.

Scene 07

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...
Jim Halpert
Mmhmm.
Pam Beesly
I really think you should reconsider.
Jim Halpert
Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I know.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim Halpert
Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam Beesly
Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. (whispers) But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground (kisses Jim). (at normal volume) All right.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
(shudders) Whew.

Scene 09

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy Bernard
Hmm... mm, what's that smell?
Dwight Schrute
You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela Martin
Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight Schrute
Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
Angela Martin
Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight Schrute
You wanna eat, don't you?
Angela Martin
Honey, say something!
Andy Bernard
Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight Schrute
...I'll consider it.
Andy Bernard
See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. (steps in manure, trying to laugh it off) ...Darn! Heh.
Dwight Schrute
There's a hose out back.
Andy Bernard
Okay.

Scene 10

19 lines
Pam Beesly
Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
Well that never happened.
Oscar Martinez
Michael?
Michael Scott
I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Oscar Martinez
I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Michael Scott
Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Jim Halpert
Woah, you guys going to lunch?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Mind if I join?
Michael Scott
Ohh, God!
Jim Halpert
All right.
Michael Scott
Yeah!
Jim Halpert
Let's go.
Michael Scott
Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim Halpert
Let's do it.
Michael Scott
All right! Cool!
Jim Halpert
Where we going?
Michael Scott
I have no idea.

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. (very serious) It is so on.

Scene 12

1 line
Pam Beesly
Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?

Scene 13

18 lines
Oscar Martinez
(laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim) Stop it! Michael.
Jim Halpert
Michael, that is hilarious.
Michael Scott
(through the laughter) Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Oscar Martinez
The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. (all three are still laughing)
Jim Halpert
Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Pam Beesly
Aww.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
That's cool. (opens the container and smells the tiramisu) Mm, good stuff. (throws it in the garbage)
Jim Halpert
You look really pretty.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. (goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door)
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Michael Scott
Oh, hey.
Pam Beesly
You got a second?
Michael Scott
I do.
Pam Beesly
Oh, good.

Scene 14

32 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael Scott
it was fun. We had a good time.
Pam Beesly
Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael Scott
Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael Scott
Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
Pam Beesly
That is amazing!
Michael Scott
You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam Beesly
(applauding) No way!
Michael Scott
Look at that. (begins dancing) Unh. Unh-unh.
Pam Beesly
Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.
Michael Scott
Yes they were.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
They were.
Pam Beesly
Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day...
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Pam Beesly
But not everyone...
Michael Scott
Sits on a copier.
Pam Beesly
Or even uses the copier every day.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, right?
Michael Scott
Very valid.
Pam Beesly
...That's it. (giggles)
Michael Scott
All right.
Pam Beesly
All right, see you later...
Michael Scott
See ya.
Pam Beesly
Hot tie guy.
Michael Scott
(laughs) Hahaha!... well...

Scene 15

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela Martin
No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela Martin
I would like cat.
Dwight Schrute
Cats don't make butter.
Angela Martin
I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight Schrute
It doesn't make any sense.
Angela Martin
Yes it does!
Andy Bernard
Okay, guys!
Angela Martin
I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Dwight Schrute
Cow, goat or sheep.
Andy Bernard
What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- (steps in manure) Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!

Scene 16

9 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine) You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.
Pam Beesly
No, copier's great.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I have my copies. (holds up messed up copies)
Jim Halpert
There they are.
Pam Beesly
And I have my original. (holds up original paper, ripped in half)
Jim Halpert
You got it.
Pam Beesly
So suck it.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 17

15 lines
Michael Scott
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael Scott
Oh, thank you my dear.
Kelly Kapoor
Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.
Michael Scott
Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
Stanley Hudson
There he is!
Michael Scott
There he is! Hello, hello!
Phyllis Vance
Hello.
Michael Scott
Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Jim Halpert
Oh!
Michael Scott
Mm! (gives Jim a high five) Yeah!
Pam Beesly
There's that ass!
Michael Scott
Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Pam Beesly
Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!
Michael Scott
Oh... ah, I almost choked.

Scene 18

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
Here's another place.
Angela Martin
It's beautiful.
Andy Bernard
Hey-o!
Dwight Schrute
So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Andy Bernard
(whistling Pachelbel's "Canon in D;" switches to singing then back to whistling)
Angela Martin
(to minister) Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Andy Bernard
I'm Andy.
Angela Martin
I work with Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Andy Bernard
What?
Dwight Schrute
Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... (speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German) And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." (Andy mouths, "I do" silently) And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela Martin
I do.
Dwight Schrute
And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.

Scene 19

29 lines
Hank Tate
Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam Beesly
Did somebody call Hank?
Michael Scott
Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank Tate
So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Michael Scott
Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. (Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar) Yeah, take as many as you want.
Hank Tate
Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Hank Tate
So what are we talking about?
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank Tate
I know what a surplus is.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank Tate
Is that the copier?
Michael Scott
It is, yes.
Hank Tate
(inspects the copier) Hmm.
Michael Scott
What?
Hank Tate
I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Pam Beesly
You can try mine.
Michael Scott
Oh, there we go.
Hank Tate
Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Michael Scott
Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank Tate
On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael Scott
So, the copier.
Hank Tate
Well, let me finish.
Michael Scott
All right, yes.
Hank Tate
Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael Scott
Well, what should I do?
Hank Tate
...Let me see the copier again.
Michael Scott
All right, get out. Get out.

Scene 20

15 lines
Angela Martin
Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight Schrute
I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela Martin
What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute
Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela Martin
Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight Schrute
Yes, of course it does.
Angela Martin
No, it doesn't!
Dwight Schrute
It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Angela Martin
I didn't-
Dwight Schrute
Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela Martin
We are not married.
Dwight Schrute
Wha...
Angela Martin
Take this thing. (takes off twine ring)
Dwight Schrute
My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy Bernard
Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? (Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball) Ow!

Scene 21

12 lines
David Wallace
(on speakerphone) Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey David- (begins coughing violently) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David Wallace
Is this why you're calling me?
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- (coughs again) I'm sorry.
David Wallace
Okay.
Michael Scott
Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
David Wallace
You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael Scott
No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David Wallace
Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael Scott
The what now?
David Wallace
Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael Scott
...Like a tip? (calculates amount) $645?!

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.

Scene 23

31 lines
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Michael Scott
All right, attention everyone.
Jim Halpert
Let me call you right back. Okay.
Michael Scott
I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... (puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass) working perfectly.
Oscar Martinez
That's the original.
Michael Scott
Pam, would you stand up for a sec? (sits in Pam's chair) Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. (slowly sinking into the chair) Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? (the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk) They don't have copiers. They don't even- (struggles to get up from Pam's chair) Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Oscar Martinez
Do you know?
Michael Scott
Do I know what?
Oscar Martinez
I think you know.
Michael Scott
Mm, no...
Phyllis Vance
Know what?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, know what?
Oscar Martinez
Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Michael Scott
$645.
Kevin Malone
Michael's a genius.
Michael Scott
Right.
Oscar Martinez
Why'd you say dollars?
Michael Scott
Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar Martinez
What's 15% of 200? (Michael doesn't answer) Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Jim Halpert
Wait, what?
Pam Beesly
You can do that?
Kevin Malone
Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Michael Scott
Let's see...
Pam Beesly
You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Michael Scott
I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar Martinez
You're gonna get us a copier then?
Michael Scott
This is so stupid.
Pam Beesly
Or chairs?
Michael Scott
This is so, so stupid. And, God... (looks at his watch) that's my phone.
Stanley Hudson
I didn't hear a phone.
Michael Scott
To be continued!

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.

Scene 25

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. (Angela walks over to Andy) What-
Angela Martin
(kisses Andy passionately in his chair) Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.

Scene 26

1 line
Andy Bernard
Was that hot or what?

Scene 27

7 lines
Pam Beesly
So what's it gonna be?
Oscar Martinez
Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam Beesly
Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar Martinez
You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael Scott
(groans in frustration) You think it's easy?
Stanley Hudson
It's your job.
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?

Scene 28

7 lines
Michael Scott
It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- (Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen) Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Michael Scott
What?
Oscar Martinez
I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam Beesly
Thanks Michael.
Michael Scott
Good work. I'm proud of you. (Pam and Oscar leave) Mother-

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
(wearing a fur coat) What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, (camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat) you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.

Scene 30

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Truce?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I guess, since I won.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. (begins to walk away, then turns back) Totally kidding. (leans in, whispers) I'm gonna need four. (kisses Pam)