Every line from The Office episode "Gossip", season 6 episode 1.
Michael Scott: (enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp) Parkour!
Dwight & Andy: (rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera)
Dwight Schrute: (walking on Pam's desk, then Jim's desk) Extreme! Parkour!
Jim Halpert: This... is Parkour. (turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video) Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. (Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office) The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
Dwight Schrute: (stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom)
Dwight & Andy: (approaching elevator, as Michael films) Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight Schrute: Andy! Leapfrog! (Andy leapfrogs Dwight)
Andy Bernard: Do me! Do me!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! (Dwight jumps on Andy's back, riding him like a horse) Parkour! Parkour!
Andy Bernard: Ow! Get off! Get off!
Andy & Michael: (walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming) Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight Schrute: (crouching beside car) Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! (Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera)
Michael Scott: (standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down) Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.
Andy Bernard: Here it is, here it is... truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, (camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster) 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can.
Michael & Dwight: (in unison) Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!
Andy Bernard: (to Michael's camera) Hardcore Parkour!
Michael Scott: Parkoooooour!
Dwight Schrute: Let's do it!
Andy Bernard: (leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box)
Michael & Dwight: (look down, appearing shocked and concerned)
Andy Bernard: (inside refrigerator box, sounding injured) Parkour!
Dwight Schrute: (on telephone) Good. Excellent. Thank you.
Female Intern: (hands Dwight a cup of water) There you go. Is there anything else I can do?
Dwight Schrute: (chugs water, throws away cup) Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk?
Female Intern: (nods) Mm hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Go put them all in random order.
Female intern: (confused) Mm-kay.
Dwight Schrute: Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.
Meredith Palmer: (to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern) Think she did him?
Oscar Martinez: I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.
Kelly Kapoor: If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself.
Michael Scott: (entering break room) Who's getting married?
Michael Scott: If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming.
Kelly Kapoor: It's Eric and Megan.
Michael Scott: Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.
Phyllis Vance: They're not getting married. It's just talk.
Michael Scott: Did everybody know about this but me?
Phyllis Vance: There's nothing to know, it's just gossip.
Michael Scott: (shaking head disgustedly) Okay... okay. (leaves room)
Pam Beesly: (talking head with Jim) We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant.
Jim Halpert: Well, with her being unmarried... knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum.
Jim Halpert: Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun?
Jim Halpert: No shotgun... 'cause that changes everything.
Pam Beesly: Can't back out now, Halpert.
Jim Halpert: What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... free at last, free at last!
Pam Beesly: No, keep it up.
Michael Scott: (approaches Dwight's desk) You'll never guess what I know.
Dwight Schrute: (typing) Okay, let me finish this thought.
Michael Scott: Eric likes Megan.
Dwight Schrute: (still typing) He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.
Michael Scott: (annoyed) How do you know this?
Dwight Schrute: (still typing) People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. (finishes typing, turns to face Michael) Okay, what is it, what can't I guess?
Michael Scott: (to Maurie, the Asian intern) Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said "The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle."
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Maurie: How'd you know about that?
Maurie: Did Stanley tell you?
Michael Scott: (confused) Stanley was on your group date?
Maurie: No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn't wave back.
Michael Scott: (laughs) Does anybody else know about this?
Michael Scott: (laughs, looks to camera excitedly)
Michael Scott: There he goes. There he goes. (Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area)
Michael Scott: So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?
Dwight & Jim & Pam: (stare blankly at Michael)
Michael Scott: Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say...
Pam Beesly: Just keep it to yourself then.
Michael Scott: Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Michael Scott: Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.
Phyllis Vance: Teri's out of town, Michael.
Phyllis Vance: Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts.
Michael Scott: (starts to speak, says nothing, walks away)
Michael Scott: (entering break room, to Maurie) You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Stanley's wife is out of town.
Maurie: He was with somebody.
Eric: He was definitely with somebody.
Michael Scott: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
Michael Scott: (upset) I don't get it!
Eric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael Scott: (fumbling for words) Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.
Michael Scott: (opening blinds as Stanley walks past) Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?
Stanley Hudson: I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?
Stanley Hudson: Goodbye. (walks away)
Michael Scott: Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
Jim Halpert: (approaching Michael) You have to stop this.
Michael Scott: (giddy, whispering) Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?
Jim Halpert: I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser...
Jim Halpert: Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.
Michael Scott: (stares at Jim silently, then walks away)
Michael Scott: (in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car) Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. (Stanley honks horn repeatedly) Stanley, are you having an affair?
Stanley Hudson: (as Michael gets in car) That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?
Michael Scott: So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip.
Stanley Hudson: (hits steering wheel angrily) Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
Michael Scott: (nodding) So stupid!
Stanley Hudson: It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot...
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Stanley Hudson: And it's been lonely.
Michael Scott: Oh, I bet.
Stanley Hudson: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't...
Michael Scott: Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true?
Stanley Hudson: Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.
Stanley Hudson: I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please.
Michael Scott: (muttering) I'm not saying... a damn thing.
Stanley Hudson: I'm counting on you, Michael.
Michael Scott: (looking afraid) You can count on me.
Michael Scott: (entering kitchen area) Oh, that smells good.
Kevin Malone: I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat.
Michael Scott: Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird.
Kevin Malone: Yeah... what do you mean exactly?
Michael Scott: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike.
Michael Scott: Uh huh. (gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet) Alright?
Andy Bernard: (making a cup of tea in kitchen area)
Kevin Malone: (looks at Andy and giggles)
Kevin Malone: (still giggling) Tea.
Andy Bernard: (laughing) I like tea!
Kevin Malone: (sarcastically) Oh, I bet you like it.
Andy Bernard: Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
Kevin Malone: Do you like it as much as you like mens' butts?
Kevin Malone: Because you're gay.
Andy Bernard: (serious) Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?
Andy Bernard: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence... a little too weird. (chuckles nervously) Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. (long pause) But it makes you wonder.
Andy Bernard: (to Oscar in break room) Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?
Oscar Martinez: (nodding) I did. Yes.
Andy Bernard: Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay?
Oscar Martinez: Are you attracted to other men?
Andy Bernard: (scoffs and chuckles) No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, (long pause) I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it... felt like.
Oscar Martinez: (stares at Andy incredulously)
Andy Bernard: Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive?
Oscar Martinez: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you?
Andy Bernard: It's not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy, it's just... it's just a scenario.
Oscar Martinez: Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I don't... you might be gay. You might be gay.
Oscar Martinez: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.
Phyllis Vance: How far along is Pam?
Meredith Palmer: A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding.
Michael Scott: (whispering) Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.
Michael Scott: (with everyone assembled in conference room) Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
Dwight Schrute: (giving envelopes to interns) Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.
Eric: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight Schrute: (grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground) Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved.
Jim Halpert: (to Eric) You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.
Dwight Schrute: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. (interns do nothing) One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you (looks directly at Megan) will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.
Erin Hannon: (eating cake with Kelly) I am so happy you're eating again.
Kelly Kapoor: (mouth full of cake) Me too!
Andy Bernard: (to Jim) Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though.
Andy Bernard: Women friends?
Andy Bernard: Not guy friends?
Jim Halpert: Are you... interested in her guy friends?
Andy Bernard: No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women.
Andy Bernard: But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like...
Jim Halpert: Well you gotta figure this out.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, right?
Jim Halpert: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Jim Halpert: And then compare.
Andy Bernard: Alright. (looks around uneasily) Well hey...
Andy Bernard: Congratulations to you.
Andy Bernard: (chuckles) Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.
Jim Halpert: (looks around room nervously)
Angela Martin: (to Pam) Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?
Angela Martin: Want me to say it again?
Pam Beesly: Why did that come into your brain?
Jim Halpert: (grabs Pam by the arm) Can I talk to you for a second?
Jim Halpert: (whispering to Pam in corner of room) So, they know.
Pam Beesly: Who did you tell?
Jim Halpert: I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell?
Creed Bratton: (approaching Jim and Pam) Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
Oscar Martinez: (to Andy) What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?
Toby Flenderson: (to Phyllis and Stanley) What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?
Jim Halpert: Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?
Everyone: (in unison) Yes.
Michael Scott: (entering conference room) Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, sure, but... who's been saying all that stuff?
Michael Scott: That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap.
Pam Beesly: Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.
Kevin Malone: I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls?
Creed Bratton: I heard that from... Andy.
Andy Bernard: I heard it from Erin.
Erin Hannon: I heard it from Michael.
Michael Scott: (quietly leaves room)
Pam Beesly: (approaching Michael at elevators) Michael? (to others) He's over here!
Pam Beesly: (to Michael) Where are you going?
Dwight Schrute: Michael... (leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers) You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? (Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open)
Pam Beesly: Don't get on it. (Michael inches toward elevator)
Jim Halpert: Michael, don't.
Pam Beesly: Don't... get... on. Do not.
Creed Bratton: Come on, boss.
Michael Scott: (reluctantly exits elevator)
Michael Scott: (to everyone, in conference room) Okay, I made it all up.
Everyone: (sighs in unison)
Andy Bernard: Even the fact that I'm gay?
Andy Bernard: (relieved) Yes!
Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela Martin: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela Martin: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog...
Stanley Hudson: (pissed off) You told everyone I was having an affair?
Michael Scott: Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.
Kelly Kapoor: Well then, what's the one true rumor?
Phyllis Vance: We have a right to know.
Andy Bernard: Michael... am I gay?
Michael Scott: (sighs) The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that...
Jim Halpert: (interrupting) That Pam's pregnant.
Angela Martin: I knew it!
Kevin Malone: I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought "Oh, she has a new bra with padding." But then I thought "Pam doesn't need padding." It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Thank you.
Phyllis Vance: Congratulations!
Erin Hannon: That's really great, you guys.
Ryan Howard: Don't vaccinate it.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the father?
Creed Bratton: How far along?
Jim Halpert: Four months.
Creed Bratton: Who's the OB/GYN?
Pam Beesly: Stop. Don't. Just...
Michael Scott: Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair.
Michael Scott: Yes. Jim...
Jim Halpert: (arm around Pam) Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it.
Jim Halpert: If everyone would like to see proof.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (leaves room)
Kelly Kapoor: Are we just gonna wait here? (Pam returns, displays sonogram)
Everyone: (gasps, then cheers)
Michael Scott: Look at that! (grabs sonogram from Pam) That is the inside of your vagina! (Jim takes sonogram from Michael)
Michael Scott: (to Jim and Pam) How long have you known about the pregnancy?
Jim & Pam: (look at each other uncertainly)
Michael Scott: A week? A month? A year?
Jim Halpert: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael Scott: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim Halpert: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael Scott: You should've told me.
Pam Beesly: (exchanges looks with Jim) You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this.
Michael Scott: (phone rings, hits speaker button)
Erin Hannon: Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call.
Pam Beesly: (in disbelief) You called Stanley's wife?
Michael Scott: Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God.
Jim Halpert: Don't take it.
Michael Scott: No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious.
Pam Beesly: If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious.
Michael Scott: No, no, I can do this.
Jim Halpert: You can't do this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.
Jim Halpert: That sounds terrible.
Pam Beesly: Michael, please don't.
Michael Scott: (picking up phone) Hey, what up, Cynthia? (lowers phone, looking terrified)
Jim Halpert: (gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay)
Michael Scott: Hold on a second, Cynthia.
Jim Halpert: (hangs up Michael's phone, leaves room)
Michael Scott: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. (camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar) Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess (Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles) and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try.
Maurie: (talking head with Eric and Megan) I learned that a company can describe their internship as "full of exciting experiences," even if that's a lie. There's no regulation.
Megan: I learned that half these people's email password is "password."
Eric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Megan: I thought it was 500.
Eric: Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything.
Maurie: I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you "Jet Li" all summer.
Megan: (raises hand) Julia Stiles.
Eric: (raises hand) Alan Thicke.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 6. Gossip is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.