Every line from The Office episode "Shareholder Meeting", season 6 episode 10.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.
Dwight Schrute: Recyclops destroys! (starts tearing through the office)
Stanley Hudson: Oh, is today Recyclops Day?
Stanley Hudson: I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
Dwight Schrute: Polluticorn wishes. (starts spraying the office with something)
Andy Bernard: That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Dwight Schrute: Humans are terrible for the environment.
Michael Scott: (seated) Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? (rises, waves, sits back down)
Pam Beesly: That's great.
Michael Scott: I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. (demonstrates)
Michael Scott: Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.
Meredith Palmer: And it looks like you're taking a dump.
Andy Bernard: (doing an announcer voice) Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott. (Michael waves, twirls and sits down)
Pam Beesly: Don't do the twirl.
Phyllis Vance: Lose the twirl.
Dwight Schrute: The twirl sucks.
Kevin Malone: Michael, I hated the twirl.
Andy Bernard: (still doing the voice & spinning in his chair) Hate the twirl!
Michael Scott: Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, good. Don't do it.
Oscar Martinez: The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.
Michael Scott: Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Oscar Martinez: Those are the bullet points.
Michael Scott: Well, could you condense it please?
Oscar Martinez: That's as simple as I can make it.
Erin Hannon: Michael? The limo's here for you.
Michael Scott: It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.
Erin Hannon: He said limousine, so...
Kevin Malone: (at window in conference room) Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. (everyone heads to the conference room) Michael, look. Oh, man.
Michael Scott: They sent a limo.
Michael Scott: (everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo) Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Erin Hannon: It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.
Oscar Martinez: This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.
Michael Scott: Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Dwight Schrute: Calves. Calves all the way.
Andy Bernard: I'm so jealous right now.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-
Limo Driver: Car seats eight.
Limo Driver: The car seats eight.
Michael Scott: The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Jim & Pam: No thanks.
Ryan Howard: I'll use it when you're done.
Michael Scott: (others start raising their hands to be picked) Mmm... whoa.
Michael Scott: (in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar) I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy Bernard: Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael Scott: Definitely.
Dwight Schrute: Smells like it.
Michael Scott: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Michael Scott: (the limo driver raises the divider window) Who's playing with the button?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?
Ryan Howard: Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.
Jim Halpert: But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
Ryan Howard: The company's probably going under, though.
Jim Halpert: Could go either way.
Ryan Howard: Seems like it's leaning one way.
Jim Halpert: Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Ryan Howard: So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Jim Halpert: Nah. Might as well do it now.
Andy Bernard: Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?
Michael Scott: I will have to answer.
Dwight Schrute: I'll ask you a question.
Andy Bernard: Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park.
Dwight Schrute: Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Michael Scott: No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' (they all laugh) I won't say that. I'll something like that.
Andy Bernard: This is your big day. Come on.
Michael Scott: Oh, my god. This is it.
Laurie: Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Michael Scott: Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott.
Laurie: Ok. If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge.
Michael Scott: Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -
Dwight Schrute: Good luck, Michael.
Michael Scott: See you later.
Michael Scott: (walking past bodyguards at the door) Officers. Thank you.
Laurie: After you, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David Wallace: So glad you could make it.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David Wallace: How was the ride?
Michael Scott: Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.
David Wallace: I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton.
Alan: It's nice to meet you, Michael.
Michael Scott: It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege.
David Wallace: Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.
Michael Scott: Ah. (bows) Your eminence.
Registrar: For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles.
Dwight Schrute: Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. (spots microphone and gets in line, sees an empty mic and attempts to get there first) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. (a line appears from nowhere) Ah. Damn it. ( heads back to the original line which is now even longer) Wha- okay (grunts)
Oscar Martinez: Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. (finding a seat) Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you.
Andy Bernard: Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the - America's biggest financial crisis?
Dwight Schrute: How is he gonna have grandkids?
Michael Scott: You guys ever protect the president?
Michael Scott: What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Security: Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.
Alan: Alright, guys. You ready?
Michael Scott: Rock and roll. (they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone)
Alan: Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. (boos from the crowd)
Michael Scott: (to David) This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
David Wallace: It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
Michael Scott: (accidentally into his microphone) We're going bankrupt, you think? (angry jeering from the crowd) They are really angry.
Alan: The shareholders need to empower our leadership -
Woman in line: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?
Dwight Schrute: No. You will not.
Woman in line: Excuse me?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?
Woman in line: It'll just be a second.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.
Alan: ... and we're confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager.
Dwight Schrute: (loudly applauds) Yes.
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. (scattered applause) Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. (applause)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?
Phyllis Vance: Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.
Jim Halpert: Ok. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, it's ok. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
Jim Halpert: I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. (Stanley laughs) What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
Stanley Hudson: That doesn't make you a boss.
Phyllis Vance: It's not like you can fire people or anything.
Jim Halpert: Well - who? How did you? Who, who told you this?
Stanley Hudson: Can't say.
Phyllis Vance: Sorry. Plastered.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? (everyone raises there hands - including Pam)
Pam Beesly: Stuff gets around. I don't participate.
Jim Halpert: Who here heard it from Ryan?
Kevin Malone: Does and email count?
Kevin Malone: Yeah. (everyone raises hands again)
Jim Halpert: I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? (Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand)
David Wallace: (over the crowd booing) Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.
Shareholder: You're a criminal.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -
Female Shareholder: Limousine?
Second Shareholder: You're all corrupt. You should be in jail. (crowd agrees)
Alan: Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet! Quiet, please. We want to hear your questions.
Jim Halpert: I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam Beesly: Can you actually fire people?
Jim Halpert: To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam Beesly: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim Halpert: Oh, well I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Ok. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'.
Jim Halpert: Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.
Pam Beesly: Well, you'll figure it out.
Alan: Ok. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.
Third Shareholder: You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy. (crowd agrees)
Michael Scott: (board of directors has started to exit) Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. (a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?') I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -
Fourth Shareholder: How are you gonna fix the company?
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. (crowd starts to agree and perk up) 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. (crowd applauds) And you can take that to the bank. (applause continue) And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. (crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering) I love you, New York! (Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage) You. You.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan. How's it going?
Ryan Howard: (playing Tetris on his computer) Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and - Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist...
Ryan Howard: That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.
Jim Halpert: Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.
Ryan Howard: Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?
Jim Halpert: You know what?
Jim Halpert: I think I know the problem.
Jim Halpert: I think you seem distracted.
Ryan Howard: Yep, that is a problem.
Jim Halpert: But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.
Ryan Howard: Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I am, too. Let me show you.
Michael Scott: Wow. Things are really picking up.
O'Keefe: What was that about?
Alan: You were supposed to wave.
Michael Scott: I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
David Wallace: What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You've dug us quite a hole.
Michael Scott: We tell them the plan, right?
David Wallace: There is no plan.
Michael Scott: Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.
Michael Scott: Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
O'Keefe: Who the hell is this guy?
Michael Scott: I am the guy who roused that crowd.
Michael Scott: Got them on their feet.
Michael Scott: They were so happy down there.
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
David Wallace: No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't call anybody, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm texting him, so.
David Wallace: Please do not text anybody, now, Michael.
Michael Scott: It's done. (Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text)
Jim Halpert: I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. (addresses the whole office) Hey, guys. Quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. (turns back to Ryan) I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.
Jim Halpert: Let me show you what I mean. (Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station) Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done.
Ryan Howard: I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight.
Ryan Howard: Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. (shuts the door and walks to his office)
Ryan Howard: (from behind the door) Is there internet?
Michael Scott: Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Michael Scott: Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -
Michael Scott: It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
Oscar Martinez: I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands.
Michael Scott: That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
Oscar Martinez: I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Michael Scott: O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. (follows Oscar into the hall) What are you doing?
Oscar Martinez: Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.
Michael Scott: Wow, man. That -
Michael Scott: That was embarrassing.
Michael Scott: For me, too. You embarrassed me.
Oscar Martinez: You -(Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room)
Michael Scott: Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.
O'Keefe: He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?
Michael Scott: Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron.
Alan: The gentleman in the, uh, glasses.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. (cheers from crowd) Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. (crowd still applauding) A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.
Alan: Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 6. Shareholder Meeting is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.