Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Shareholder Meeting

Vol. 6 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the episode where Michael heads to New York in a fancy limo the company definitely can't afford. You'll find the full script and quotes ranging from the legendary 45-day plan to Recyclops' latest rampage.

Scene 01

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Dwight enters dressed as Recyclops) Not again.
Dwight Schrute
Bow down before Recyclops.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
The next year he really stepped things up.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Recyclops will have his revenge.

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.

Scene 11

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.
Dwight Schrute
Recyclops destroys! (starts tearing through the office)
Stanley Hudson
Oh, is today Recyclops Day?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Stanley Hudson
I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
Dwight Schrute
Polluticorn wishes. (starts spraying the office with something)
Andy Bernard
That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Dwight Schrute
Humans are terrible for the environment.

Scene 12

4 lines
Pam Beesly
The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.
Jim Halpert
Mmm.
Pam Beesly
A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Jim Halpert
God bless you, Recyclops. And your cold robot heart. (Dwight throws an aluminum can towards the recycling bin and misses)

Scene 13

6 lines
Michael Scott
(seated) Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? (rises, waves, sits back down)
Pam Beesly
That's great.
Michael Scott
I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. (demonstrates)
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Michael Scott
Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.
Meredith Palmer
And it looks like you're taking a dump.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.

Scene 15

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(doing an announcer voice) Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott. (Michael waves, twirls and sits down)
Pam Beesly
Don't do the twirl.
Phyllis Vance
Lose the twirl.
Dwight Schrute
The twirl sucks.
Kevin Malone
Michael, I hated the twirl.
Andy Bernard
(still doing the voice & spinning in his chair) Hate the twirl!
Michael Scott
Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, good. Don't do it.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin.

Scene 17

10 lines
Oscar Martinez
The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.
Michael Scott
Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Oscar Martinez
Those are the bullet points.
Michael Scott
Well, could you condense it please?
Oscar Martinez
That's as simple as I can make it.
Erin Hannon
Michael? The limo's here for you.
Michael Scott
It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.
Erin Hannon
He said limousine, so...
Kevin Malone
(at window in conference room) Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. (everyone heads to the conference room) Michael, look. Oh, man.
Michael Scott
They sent a limo.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.

Scene 19

15 lines
Michael Scott
(everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo) Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that.
Dwight Schrute
What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Erin Hannon
It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.
Oscar Martinez
This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.
Michael Scott
Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Dwight Schrute
Calves. Calves all the way.
Andy Bernard
I'm so jealous right now.
Michael Scott
Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-
Limo Driver
Car seats eight.
Michael Scott
What?
Limo Driver
The car seats eight.
Michael Scott
The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Jim & Pam
No thanks.
Ryan Howard
I'll use it when you're done.
Michael Scott
(others start raising their hands to be picked) Mmm... whoa.

Scene 20

1 line
Oscar Martinez
The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And, as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.

Scene 21

8 lines
Michael Scott
(in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar) I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy Bernard
Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael Scott
Definitely.
Dwight Schrute
Smells like it.
Michael Scott
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight Schrute
Word.
Andy Bernard
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Michael Scott
(the limo driver raises the divider window) Who's playing with the button?

Scene 22

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?
Ryan Howard
Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.
Jim Halpert
But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
Ryan Howard
The company's probably going under, though.
Jim Halpert
Could go either way.
Ryan Howard
Seems like it's leaning one way.
Jim Halpert
Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Ryan Howard
Definitely.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Ryan Howard
So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Jim Halpert
Nah. Might as well do it now.

Scene 23

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?
Michael Scott
I will have to answer.
Dwight Schrute
I'll ask you a question.
Andy Bernard
Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park.
Dwight Schrute
Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Michael Scott
No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' (they all laugh) I won't say that. I'll something like that.
Andy Bernard
This is your big day. Come on.
Michael Scott
Oh, my god. This is it.

Scene 24

11 lines
Laurie
Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Laurie
I'm Laurie.
Michael Scott
Oh, hi.
Laurie
Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Michael Scott
Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott.
Laurie
Ok. If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge.
Michael Scott
Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -
Andy Bernard
Kay.
Dwight Schrute
Good luck, Michael.
Michael Scott
See you later.

Scene 25

14 lines
Michael Scott
(walking past bodyguards at the door) Officers. Thank you.
Laurie
After you, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
Michael.
Michael Scott
Hello.
David Wallace
So glad you could make it.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
How was the ride?
Michael Scott
Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.
David Wallace
I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton.
Alan
It's nice to meet you, Michael.
Michael Scott
It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege.
David Wallace
Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.
Michael Scott
Ah. (bows) Your eminence.

Scene 26

2 lines
Registrar
For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles.
Dwight Schrute
Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. (spots microphone and gets in line, sees an empty mic and attempts to get there first) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. (a line appears from nowhere) Ah. Damn it. ( heads back to the original line which is now even longer) Wha- okay (grunts)

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.

Scene 28

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. (finding a seat) Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you.
Andy Bernard
Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the - America's biggest financial crisis?
Dwight Schrute
How is he gonna have grandkids?

Scene 29

6 lines
Michael Scott
You guys ever protect the president?
Security
No.
Michael Scott
What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Security
Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.
Alan
Alright, guys. You ready?
Michael Scott
Rock and roll. (they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone)

Scene 30

5 lines
Alan
Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. (boos from the crowd)
Michael Scott
(to David) This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
David Wallace
It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
Michael Scott
(accidentally into his microphone) We're going bankrupt, you think? (angry jeering from the crowd) They are really angry.
Alan
The shareholders need to empower our leadership -

Scene 31

7 lines
Woman in line
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?
Man in line
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
No. You will not.
Woman in line
Excuse me?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?
Woman in line
It'll just be a second.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.

Scene 32

3 lines
Alan
... and we're confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager.
Dwight Schrute
(loudly applauds) Yes.
Alan
In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. (scattered applause) Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. (applause)

Scene 33

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?
Phyllis Vance
Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.
Jim Halpert
Ok. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, it's ok. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
Jim Halpert
I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. (Stanley laughs) What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
Stanley Hudson
That doesn't make you a boss.
Phyllis Vance
It's not like you can fire people or anything.
Jim Halpert
Well - who? How did you? Who, who told you this?
Phyllis Vance
Ryan.
Stanley Hudson
Can't say.
Phyllis Vance
Sorry. Plastered.
Jim Halpert
Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? (everyone raises there hands - including Pam)
Pam Beesly
Stuff gets around. I don't participate.
Jim Halpert
Who here heard it from Ryan?
Kevin Malone
Does and email count?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. (everyone raises hands again)
Jim Halpert
I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? (Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand)

Scene 34

1 line
Pam Beesly
I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.

Scene 35

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
These questions are bush league.
Andy Bernard
You should get up and say something. You've got to be true to what's in there. (points to Oscar's heart) Don't be a wuss.

Scene 36

1 line
Andy Bernard
I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose .

Scene 37

7 lines
David Wallace
(over the crowd booing) Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.
Shareholder
You're a criminal.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -
Female Shareholder
Limousine?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Second Shareholder
You're all corrupt. You should be in jail. (crowd agrees)
Alan
Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet! Quiet, please. We want to hear your questions.

Scene 38

2 lines
Ryan Howard
Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?
Creed Bratton
I don't know, man. I just don't know.

Scene 39

8 lines
Jim Halpert
I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam Beesly
Can you actually fire people?
Jim Halpert
To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam Beesly
Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim Halpert
Oh, well I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam Beesly
Oh. Ok. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'.
Jim Halpert
Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.
Pam Beesly
Well, you'll figure it out.

Scene 40

5 lines
Alan
Ok. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.
Third Shareholder
You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy. (crowd agrees)
Michael Scott
(board of directors has started to exit) Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. (a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?') I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -
Fourth Shareholder
How are you gonna fix the company?
Michael Scott
Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. (crowd starts to agree and perk up) 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. (crowd applauds) And you can take that to the bank. (applause continue) And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. (crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering) I love you, New York! (Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage) You. You.

Scene 41

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Ryan. How's it going?
Ryan Howard
(playing Tetris on his computer) Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and - Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist...
Jim Halpert
Mmm-hmm.
Ryan Howard
That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.
Jim Halpert
Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.
Ryan Howard
Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?
Jim Halpert
You know what?
Ryan Howard
What?
Jim Halpert
I think I know the problem.
Ryan Howard
Great.
Jim Halpert
I think you seem distracted.
Ryan Howard
Yep, that is a problem.
Jim Halpert
But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.
Ryan Howard
Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.
Jim Halpert
I am, too. Let me show you.

Scene 42

24 lines
Michael Scott
Wow. Things are really picking up.
O'Keefe
What was that about?
Michael Scott
What?
Alan
You were supposed to wave.
Michael Scott
I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
David Wallace
What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You've dug us quite a hole.
Michael Scott
We tell them the plan, right?
David Wallace
There is no plan.
Michael Scott
Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.
O'Keefe
Excuse me?
Michael Scott
Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
O'Keefe
Who the hell is this guy?
Michael Scott
I am the guy who roused that crowd.
David Wallace
Yes.
Michael Scott
Got them on their feet.
David Wallace
Yes.
Michael Scott
They were so happy down there.
David Wallace
Yes.
Alan
Who cares?
Michael Scott
Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
David Wallace
No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't call anybody, Michael.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm texting him, so.
David Wallace
Please do not text anybody, now, Michael.
Michael Scott
It's done. (Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text)

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away. (Oscar stands there stunned)

Scene 44

8 lines
Jim Halpert
I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. (addresses the whole office) Hey, guys. Quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. (turns back to Ryan) I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.
Ryan Howard
Mmm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Let me show you what I mean. (Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station) Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done.
Ryan Howard
I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Ryan Howard
Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. (shuts the door and walks to his office)
Ryan Howard
(from behind the door) Is there internet?

Scene 45

20 lines
Oscar Martinez
Ummm...
Michael Scott
Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Oscar Martinez
Ok
Michael Scott
Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -
Oscar Martinez
Um..
Michael Scott
It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
Oscar Martinez
I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands.
Michael Scott
That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
Oscar Martinez
I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Michael Scott
O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. (follows Oscar into the hall) What are you doing?
Oscar Martinez
Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.
Michael Scott
Wow, man. That -
Oscar Martinez
What?
Michael Scott
That was embarrassing.
Oscar Martinez
For me.
Michael Scott
For me, too. You embarrassed me.
Oscar Martinez
You -(Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room)
Michael Scott
Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.
O'Keefe
He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?
Michael Scott
Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
(zipping through the hall while texting)

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, 'Wow. Great job.' That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.

Scene 48

1 line
O'Keefe
He can take the bus. He's had his limo ride.

Scene 49

1 line
Michael Scott
(running out of the building with Oscar, Andy, and Dwight) Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!

Scene 50

4 lines
Alan
The gentleman in the, uh, glasses.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. (cheers from crowd) Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. (crowd still applauding) A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.
Alan
Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.