Every line from The Office episode "Scott's Tots", season 6 episode 11.
Andy Bernard: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yeah, Have a seat.
Andy Bernard: Is it serious? (Michael stares) Wow. Andy's a wittle scared.
Michael Scott: Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy Bernard: Why would people say that?
Michael Scott: I have it on good authority that you said the following. (hands Andy a notecard) Can you read that back to me?
Andy Bernard: Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Andy Bernard: Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?"
Andy Bernard: "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael Scott: You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand."
Andy Bernard: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
Michael Scott: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Andy Bernard: Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.
Michael Scott: Okay, who said that?
Andy Bernard: I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.
Michael Scott: (Elvis voice) Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
Andy Bernard: (baby voice) Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Michael Scott: (as Elvis) You're welcome, baby.
Andy Bernard: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim Halpert: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy Bernard: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim Halpert: Wow, what do you put our chances at?
Andy Bernard: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim Halpert: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy Bernard: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's not such a bad idea.
Andy Bernard: Great! (sits down)
Jim Halpert: Anything else?
Andy Bernard: Nope! (stands up and leaves)
Erin Hannon: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.
Erin Hannon: There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those?
Michael Scott: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Erin Hannon: That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder.
Erin Hannon: There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip."
Michael Scott: Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...
Michael Scott: Must be hackers.
Jim Halpert: Hey. What's up?
Michael Scott: What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?
Jim Halpert: Did you murder someone?
Michael Scott: Worse than that.
Michael Scott: Lurk much? (Erin leaves) I miss Pam.
Jim Halpert: I think she's okay.
Michael Scott: Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good."
Jim Halpert: Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?
Michael Scott: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...
Jim Halpert: You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager.
Michael Scott: Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
Jim Halpert: It would look bad. Sorry.
Michael Scott: It would look good, on my mantle.
Erin Hannon: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?
Pam Beesly: (glances at it) Looks great.
Erin Hannon: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (picks up and reads sheet) The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael Scott: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis Vance: What's "Scott's Tots?"
Stanley Hudson: Has it really been ten years?
Pam Beesly: Michael, why did you promise that?
Michael Scott: To change lives.
Pam Beesly: No Michael, why would you promise that?
Michael Scott: Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.
Erin Hannon: We've already rescheduled seven times.
Pam Beesly: Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done.
Pam Beesly: It's terrible.
Pam Beesly: Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get.
Michael Scott: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.
Michael Scott: Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?
Michael Scott: I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.
Pam Beesly: You have to tell them.
Michael Scott: Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... (makes yuck face at Erin)
Erin Hannon: I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.
Pam Beesly: It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth.
Michael Scott: Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?
Dwight Schrute: Hey Jimmy, what's up?
Dwight Schrute: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) Thanks Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: That laugh is so infectious.
Jim Halpert: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
Jim Halpert: Let me guess, you think you should get it.
Dwight Schrute: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Jim Halpert: Well, in an ideal world...
Dwight Schrute: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Jim Halpert: Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense."
Dwight Schrute: I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Jim Halpert: That's okay, I'll do it.
Michael Scott: Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?
Michael Scott: Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?
Mikela: It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.
Michael Scott: Well, you didn't even hear it.
Mikela: Everyone's so excited that you're here today.
Mikela: Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?
Erin Hannon: (points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room) You're famous.
Mikela: I'm sure you remember this place.
Mikela: Do you want to go in?
Michael Scott: No, not at all. Nope, come on.
Teacher: Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.
Students: (getting up and dancing) Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Lefevre: You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!
Students: Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-
Dwight Schrute: So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
Kevin Malone: Jim said that?
Dwight Schrute: He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
Kevin Malone: Jim said that?
Dwight Schrute: You seem suprised.
Kevin Malone: No, no, that makes total sense.
Dwight Schrute: Hey buddy, so every-
Oscar Martinez: Sure. (puts in the twenty)
Teacher: Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much.
Lefevre: There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama.
Michael Scott: (crying) Oh, God. Oh, God.
Jim Halpert: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?
Andy Bernard: Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert.
Oscar Martinez: Are you kidding me?
Jim Halpert: Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-
Kevin Malone: I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?
Jim Halpert: Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.
Angela Martin: To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.
Jim Halpert: Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said?
Jim Halpert: No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.
Teacher: Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. (period bell rings) Should we go?
Teacher: Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period
Michael Scott: Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?
Zion: I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother.
Michael Scott: Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.
Lefevre: You owe this to us!
Michael Scott: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. (students perk up) Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.
Michael Scott: Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.
Creed Bratton: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant.
Pam Beesly: Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Phyllis Vance: That's fair.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent idea, Pam.
Andy Bernard: That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert.
Phyllis Vance: How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight Schrute: There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam Beesly: No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy Bernard: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Jim Halpert: Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?
Deliveryman: Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.
Kevin Malone: Look who it is! (shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim)
Angela Martin: "It could only be you!" Way to go.
Dwight Schrute: He knew all along!
Kelly Kapoor: I'm going to have some cake.
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Dwight Schrute: (imitating Kevin) This is Kevin Malone, is David there?
Stephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?
Dwight Schrute: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.
Michael Scott: Erin, can you give us a second?
Lefevre: That was messed up what you did.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Lefevre: Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?
Michael Scott: What can I do?
Lefevre: You can pay for my college.
Michael Scott: I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?
Lefevre: They're expensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?
Lefevre: It's about $1,000.
Michael Scott: Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.
Lefevre: No, $1,000 each year.
Michael Scott: For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.
Lefevre: Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa.
Michael Scott: That's a lot of zeroes.
Jim Halpert: This is Jim.
David Wallace: Jim, what the hell is happening there?
Jim Halpert: Hey, uh David.
Jim Halpert: So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it.
David Wallace: Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?
David Wallace: Am I missing something?
Jim Halpert: I really don't know how it happened, David.
David Wallace: Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion.
Jim Halpert: All right, it will not happen again. I promise.
David Wallace: Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you.
David Wallace: It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Thank you.
David Wallace: Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you're kidding me!
Erin Hannon: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do---
Michael Scott: Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Erin Hannon: No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy.
Michael Scott: You're what, like, 12?
Erin Hannon: The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think.
Michael Scott: I think you're doing a great job.
Michael Scott: What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?
Erin Hannon: I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
Erin Hannon: Yes, but I'm terrible at math so...
Michael Scott: You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Michael & Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true.
Jim Halpert: See you tomorrow, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Apparently.
Ryan Howard: How's it going? Good day?
Dwight Schrute: Not now, Temp.
Ryan Howard: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight Schrute: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... (Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan)
Ryan Howard: I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight Schrute: So what do you want?
Ryan Howard: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 6. Scott's Tots is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.