Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Scott's Tots

Vol. 6 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Every line and quote from the cringiest episode in history is right here. You'll find the full script of Michael attempting to trade college tuition for lithium laptop batteries. It also features the complete breakdown of Jim and Dwight's Employee of the Month disaster.

Scene 01

20 lines
Andy Bernard
You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott
Yeah, Have a seat.
Andy Bernard
Is it serious? (Michael stares) Wow. Andy's a wittle scared.
Michael Scott
Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy Bernard
Why would people say that?
Michael Scott
I have it on good authority that you said the following. (hands Andy a notecard) Can you read that back to me?
Andy Bernard
Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Michael Scott
Mmm-hmm.
Andy Bernard
Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?"
Michael Scott
Okay.
Andy Bernard
"Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael Scott
You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand."
Andy Bernard
Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
Michael Scott
You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Andy Bernard
Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.
Michael Scott
Okay, who said that?
Andy Bernard
I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.
Michael Scott
(Elvis voice) Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
Andy Bernard
(baby voice) Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Michael Scott
(as Elvis) You're welcome, baby.

Scene 02

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim Halpert
Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy Bernard
The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim Halpert
Wow, what do you put our chances at?
Andy Bernard
0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim Halpert
Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy Bernard
Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.

Scene 03

1 line
Andy Bernard
Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.

Scene 04

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's not such a bad idea.
Andy Bernard
Great! (sits down)
Jim Halpert
Anything else?
Andy Bernard
Nope! (stands up and leaves)

Scene 05

26 lines
Erin Hannon
Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.
Michael Scott
Keep.
Erin Hannon
There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those?
Michael Scott
I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Erin Hannon
That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder.
Michael Scott
Keep.
Erin Hannon
There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip."
Michael Scott
For what?
Erin Hannon
"Nip slip."
Michael Scott
Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...
Erin Hannon
Well...
Michael Scott
Must be hackers.
Jim Halpert
Hey. What's up?
Michael Scott
What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?
Jim Halpert
Did you murder someone?
Michael Scott
Worse than that.
Erin Hannon
Oh, my God.
Michael Scott
Lurk much? (Erin leaves) I miss Pam.
Jim Halpert
I think she's okay.
Michael Scott
Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good."
Jim Halpert
Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?
Michael Scott
Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...
Jim Halpert
You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager.
Michael Scott
Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
Jim Halpert
It would look bad. Sorry.
Michael Scott
It would look good, on my mantle.

Scene 06

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah! Your idea.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.

Scene 08

7 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?
Pam Beesly
(glances at it) Looks great.
Erin Hannon
Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam Beesly
Okay. (picks up and reads sheet) The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael Scott
There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis Vance
What's "Scott's Tots?"
Stanley Hudson
Has it really been ten years?

Scene 09

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(shows newspaper article and reads) "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders"

Scene 10

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael, why did you promise that?
Michael Scott
To change lives.
Pam Beesly
No Michael, why would you promise that?
Michael Scott
Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.
Erin Hannon
We've already rescheduled seven times.
Pam Beesly
Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done.
Michael Scott
Well...
Pam Beesly
It's terrible.
Michael Scott
No.
Pam Beesly
Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.

Scene 12

8 lines
Michael Scott
Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?
Pam Beesly
No!
Michael Scott
I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.
Pam Beesly
You have to tell them.
Michael Scott
Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... (makes yuck face at Erin)
Erin Hannon
I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.
Pam Beesly
It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth.
Michael Scott
Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?

Scene 13

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey Jimmy, what's up?
Jim Halpert
Not much.
Dwight Schrute
Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) Thanks Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
That laugh is so infectious.
Jim Halpert
You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.
Dwight Schrute
I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
Jim Halpert
Let me guess, you think you should get it.
Dwight Schrute
This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Jim Halpert
Well, in an ideal world...
Dwight Schrute
In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Jim Halpert
Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense."
Dwight Schrute
I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Jim Halpert
That's okay, I'll do it.

Scene 14

17 lines
Mikela
Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott
Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?
Mikela
I'm good.
Michael Scott
Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?
Mikela
It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.
Erin Hannon
Wow!
Michael Scott
Well, you didn't even hear it.
Mikela
Everyone's so excited that you're here today.
Michael Scott
Oh, good.
Mikela
Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?
Michael Scott
Sure.
Erin Hannon
(points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room) You're famous.
Mikela
I'm sure you remember this place.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah.
Mikela
Do you want to go in?
Michael Scott
No, not at all. Nope, come on.

Scene 15

4 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just...
Mikela
We just want to say thanks.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Students
(cheering) Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!

Scene 16

5 lines
Teacher
Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.
Students
(getting up and dancing) Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Lefevre
You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!
Students
Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Michael Scott
Wow!

Scene 17

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-
Kevin Malone
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
Kevin Malone
Jim said that?
Dwight Schrute
He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
Kevin Malone
Jim said that?
Dwight Schrute
You seem suprised.
Kevin Malone
No, no, that makes total sense.
Dwight Schrute
Hey buddy, so every-
Oscar Martinez
Sure. (puts in the twenty)

Scene 18

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.

Scene 19

1 line
Teacher
Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much.

Scene 20

2 lines
Lefevre
There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama.
Michael Scott
(crying) Oh, God. Oh, God.

Scene 21

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?
Andy Bernard
Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert.
Everyone
Huh? What?
Oscar Martinez
Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no!
Jim Halpert
Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-
Kevin Malone
I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?
Jim Halpert
Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.
Angela Martin
To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.
Jim Halpert
Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize.
Angela Martin
Yes!
Jim Halpert
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said?
Jim Halpert
No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.

Scene 22

6 lines
Teacher
Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. (period bell rings) Should we go?
Teacher
Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period
Michael Scott
Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?
Zion
I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother.
Michael Scott
Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.

Scene 23

7 lines
Michael Scott
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela
You lied to us.
Michael Scott
I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.
Lefevre
You owe this to us!
Michael Scott
Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. (students perk up) Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.
Students
(yelling)
Michael Scott
Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.

Scene 24

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway.
Andy Bernard
Correction. It was my idea.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 25

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My idea!

Scene 26

10 lines
Creed Bratton
Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant.
Pam Beesly
Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Phyllis Vance
That's fair.
Dwight Schrute
Excellent idea, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert.
Phyllis Vance
How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight Schrute
There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam Beesly
No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy Bernard
Oh, really? From what, two to four?

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yup.

Scene 28

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?
Deliveryman
Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.
Kevin Malone
Look who it is! (shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim)
Angela Martin
"It could only be you!" Way to go.
Dwight Schrute
He knew all along!
Kelly Kapoor
I'm going to have some cake.

Scene 29

4 lines
Stephanie
David Wallace's office.
Dwight Schrute
(imitating Kevin) This is Kevin Malone, is David there?
Stephanie
No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?
Dwight Schrute
Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(imitating Stanley) This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(imitating Toby) It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.

Scene 32

16 lines
Lefevre
Hey, Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Erin, can you give us a second?
Lefevre
That was messed up what you did.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Lefevre
Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?
Michael Scott
What can I do?
Lefevre
You can pay for my college.
Michael Scott
I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?
Lefevre
They're expensive.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?
Lefevre
It's about $1,000.
Michael Scott
Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.
Lefevre
No, $1,000 each year.
Michael Scott
For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.
Lefevre
Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa.
Michael Scott
That's a lot of zeroes.

Scene 33

9 lines
Jim Halpert
This is Jim.
David Wallace
Jim, what the hell is happening there?
Jim Halpert
Hey, uh David.
David Wallace
Yes.
Jim Halpert
So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it.
David Wallace
Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?
Jim Halpert
No.
David Wallace
Am I missing something?
Jim Halpert
I really don't know how it happened, David.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I know how it happened.

Scene 35

15 lines
David Wallace
Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion.
Jim Halpert
All right, it will not happen again. I promise.
David Wallace
Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you.
Dwight Schrute
No!
David Wallace
It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
No.
David Wallace
Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
David Wallace
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, you're kidding me!
Jim Halpert
See you.
Dwight Schrute
Damn it!

Scene 36

17 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do---
Michael Scott
Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Erin Hannon
No.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Erin Hannon
No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy.
Michael Scott
You're what, like, 12?
Erin Hannon
The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think.
Michael Scott
I think you're doing a great job.
Erin Hannon
Really?
Michael Scott
What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?
Erin Hannon
I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
Michael Scott
Really?
Erin Hannon
Yes, but I'm terrible at math so...
Michael Scott
You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
Erin Hannon
Seriously?
Michael Scott
Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Michael & Erin
Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true.

Scene 37

9 lines
Jim Halpert
See you tomorrow, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Apparently.
Ryan Howard
How's it going? Good day?
Dwight Schrute
Not now, Temp.
Ryan Howard
Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight Schrute
What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... (Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan)
Ryan Howard
I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight Schrute
So what do you want?
Ryan Howard
I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.