Every line from The Office episode "Secret Santa", season 6 episode 12.
Dwight Schrute: (yelling) Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of--
Dwight Schrute: --the party planning committee...
Jim Halpert: Too, too loud. Too Loud.
Dwight Schrute: But effective, look! (everyone turns to pay attention) On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas.
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Dwight Schrute: Merry Christmas. Good.
Dwight Schrute: It is time to unveil the tree.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Rockefeller Center!
Ryan Howard: Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that.
Jim Halpert: This is all we have.
Jim Halpert: No, it's not "ugh." It is... office camaraderie.
Dwight Schrute: It is warm feelings.
Meredith Palmer: Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?
Dwight Schrute: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! (others join)
Jim Halpert: Why would you start so high?
Dwight Schrute: Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ...
Jim Halpert: Three, two, one! (pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree)
Phyllis Vance: You didn't decorate it?
Jim Halpert: We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together.
Dwight Schrute: Everyone.
Andy Bernard: Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up?
Pam Beesly: Is it, is it fake?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die...
Dwight Schrute: Like the spirit of Christmas!
Stanley Hudson: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?
Dwight Schrute: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!
Phyllis Vance: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
Dwight Schrute: Hey Santa!
Oscar Martinez: They finally let you do it!
Kevin Malone: Congrats Phil!
Erin Hannon: It's so edgy!
Pam Beesly: So Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis Vance: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed Bratton: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis Vance: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed Bratton: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?
Jim Halpert: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!
Pam Beesly: You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box!
Oscar Martinez: That's funny.
Pam Beesly: Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. (she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot) I think my water just broke!
Oscar Martinez: That's too funny.
Michael Scott: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. (points to Pam's' pregnant tummy)
Pam Beesly: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis.
Michael Scott: What the hell is going on?
Michael Scott: Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?
Jim Halpert: Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it.
Michael Scott: Take it back. That is absurd.
Jim Halpert: No, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael Scott: No? No! Jim! Come on!
Jim Halpert: I think she's doing a good job.
Michael Scott: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!
Jim Halpert: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.
Michael Scott: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.
Michael Scott: (santa voice) Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
Michael Scott: No it's not, not like penis-wise. (as Santa) Hello little boy, what's your name?
Kevin Malone: Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
Michael Scott: Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.
Kevin Malone: When can I sit on your lap?
Michael Scott: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. (Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle) Oh my God.
Kevin Malone: That's really comfortable. (Michael gasps)
Michael Scott: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Kevin Malone: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Michael Scott: What did you think was going to happen?
Kevin Malone: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
Michael Scott: All right, just say "some toys" please.
Kevin Malone: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Michael Scott: Damn it Kevin, come on.
Kevin Malone: What about if I tell you the things I don't want?
Michael Scott: Okay get off, get off! (pushes Kevin off) Oh! Oh, God!
Kevin Malone: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!
Michael Scott: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Jim Halpert: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa.
Phyllis Vance: The only Santa.
Jim Halpert: That's what I want.
Phyllis Vance: You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved!
Jim Halpert: What would Bob do?
Phyllis Vance: Never mind, I shouldn't have said that.
Andy Bernard: Does it hurt?
Erin Hannon: It stings a lot.
Erin Hannon: I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.
Andy Bernard: I know, right?
Erin Hannon: So far no one will admit to it.
Erin Hannon: Is it you? (Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs)
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me.
Andy Bernard: "Seriously?" Are you serious?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted!
Oscar Martinez: There he is.
Oscar Martinez: Is Matt around? I got his check.
Darryl Philbin: Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it.
Oscar Martinez: Ah, I'll just... wait for him.
Darryl Philbin: Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?
Oscar Martinez: I'll just leave it here with you. (drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks)
Michael Scott: Ryan come here!
Michael Scott: Come on, come on.
Ryan Howard: I'm doing something over here.
Michael Scott: Ahhh... Ho ho ho! (struggles to pull Ryan towards him) Come on I need this. Come over here!
Ryan Howard: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Just sit down!
Jim Halpert: Hey hey hey. Everything okay?
Michael Scott: Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!
Jim Halpert: Can I just talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Whoop! Okay, what?
Jim Halpert: You can't yell out "I need this, I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap!
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!
Michael Scott: Do you understand, you forced my hand?
Jim Halpert: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.
Michael Scott: Oh, do we? Do "We?" Is that what "we" want? Why don't "we" take a vote on it?
Michael Scott: Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--
Jim Halpert: Who wants Phyllis as Santa? (most everyone raises their hand)
Michael Scott: No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we --(Dwight counts the raised hands) Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?
Kevin Malone: Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.
Jim Halpert: And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. (Michael, then Dwight raises hand) Can I get you some punch?
Michael Scott: I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. (shoves Santa hat into punch)
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.
Phyllis Vance: How do you know it's a gun?
Dwight Schrute: What else does it look like?
Stanley Hudson: Not a gun.
Dwight Schrute: Well I don't have all the pieces yet.
Stanley Hudson: Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun.
Dwight Schrute: Not a gun. (crosses gun off his "what could it be" list)
Michael Scott: Behold! (extends his arms) Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. (Angela claps) Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.
Toby Flenderson: Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is.
Michael Scott: Oh the Anti-Christ!
Toby Flenderson: You can't, (Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise) Ow. Look, you cannot push religion.
Michael Scott: Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?
Michael Scott: Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!
Kelly & Erin: (singing) I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day...
Pam Beesly: Have you talked to him?
Oscar Martinez: Is it that obvious? (Pam starts towards Matt) No- hey...
Pam Beesly: Mmm! Good pate, right? (Matt nods yes) Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?
Pam Beesly: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate.
Pam Beesly: Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right?
Oscar Martinez: Okay Pam.
Phyllis Vance: This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!
Dwight Schrute: We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. (grabs package)
Michael Scott: (on karaoke microphone) Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?
Dwight Schrute: Yes! (Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part)
Michael Scott: Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! (sings) Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis Vance: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -
Michael Scott: (on microphone) Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
Kevin Malone: He got scented candles!
Michael Scott: (on microphone) Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley.
Phyllis Vance: And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael Scott: (on microphone) I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up.
Angela Martin: It's fabric! I really wanted this.
Michael Scott: (on microphone) That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela Martin: Andy, is this you?
Michael Scott: (on microphone) No!
Phyllis Vance: It's a secret.
Michael Scott: (on microphone) Andy had Erin.
Michael Scott: (on microphone) What? Was I not supposed to say it? (Jim unplugs mic) What? Turn it back on.
Jim Halpert: No. (Michael gets up and walks into his office)
David Wallace: Yes Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael Scott: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David Wallace: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael Scott: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael Scott: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.
David Wallace: This is a very very bad time.
Michael Scott: Really? What's going on?
David Wallace: Stephanie, can you hop off please?
Stephanie: Sure David. (disconnect)
Michael Scott: What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Erin Hannon: Do you want me off the call too Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!
David Wallace: Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house.
Michael Scott: What does that mean?
David Wallace: I'll be fired.
Michael Scott: Well, can't Alan protect you?
David Wallace: Alan will be out too. All of us.
Michael Scott: All of us?
David Wallace: Goodbye Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: Hey. How's everybody doing?
Jim Halpert: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
Michael Scott: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.
Angela Martin: Are you serious? This is so offensive.
Michael Scott: You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.
Dwight Schrute: What's your pin number?
Michael Scott: I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the -" (nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know)
Michael Scott: "It's fun to stay at the -"
Dwight Schrute: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ...
Michael Scott: (gestures the YMCA dance) Mmm, mm mm mm. (Dwight smirks, leaves)
Andy Bernard: I, I thought that you would like it.
Erin Hannon: It was a little much Andy.
Andy Bernard: Well it's the thought that counts.
Erin Hannon: What were you thinking? (Andy freezes)
Michael Scott: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"
Pam Beesly: How could we do what? (general murmur)
Michael Scott: It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. (arguing voices)
Stanley Hudson: We deserve to know.
Michael Scott: I didn't say anything!
Angela Martin: If you know something Michael...
Michael Scott: We're going out of business!
Dwight Schrute: You are kidding me!
Jim Halpert: Wait wait wait, who said that?
Michael Scott: David told me on the phone. David told me.
Dwight Schrute: When? When did he tell you? Today?
Michael Scott: Earlier today.
Michael Scott: He said, we have been sold. (upset murmurs)
Dwight Schrute: Aaaarrhh! (kicks over Christmas tree)
Michael Scott: Dwight! Jesus!
Jim Halpert: Michael, wait. So they said we are sold?
Michael Scott: David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.
Jim Halpert: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things.
Michael Scott: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: No, I get it.
Michael Scott: I'll call him. I'll call David.
Jim Halpert: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.
David Wallace: Hey Sweetie, what is it?
Michael Scott: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.
David Wallace: What the hell?
Michael Scott: Stephanie could you hop off please?
David Wallace: Michael, I have never-
David Wallace: Ever, ever...
Michael Scott: David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.
Dwight Schrute: Hey David.
Kelly Kapoor: Hi David! (group hellos)
David Wallace: Hello everyone.
Michael Scott: David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.
David Wallace: You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael.
Michael Scott: Well I think we're past that now.
David Wallace: I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, David. That's horrible.
Meredith Palmer: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.
David Wallace: Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.
Michael Scott: We're not fired?
David Wallace: No! No, and congratulations.
Michael Scott: Yeah! (office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs) It's a Christmas miracle!
Michael Scott: Woo hoo! (climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees)
Toby Flenderson: (opening kite from Ryan) Wow! Cause... (reveals Kite Runner book)
Ryan Howard: Yeah! That was the idea.
Toby Flenderson: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: Thanks man! (awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back)
Michael Scott: Oh! You got it? What is that? (Dwight building his gift)
Dwight Schrute: I have no idea.
Michael Scott: Huh. Well, maybe those will help. (puts bag of walnuts on his desk)
Dwight Schrute: Michael? Please! Come on!
Phyllis Vance: Hi Michael. (Michael sits on her lap) Mm. 'kay.
Michael Scott: I'd like to make a wish.
Michael Scott: I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.
Phyllis Vance: An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy.
Bob Vance: Scott! What in the hell is going on here? (Bob enters dressed as Santa too)
Phyllis Vance: No Bob, we worked it out.
Michael Scott: You called Bob?
Phyllis Vance: I'm sorry,
Michael Scott: Come on! Phyllis!
Phyllis Vance: I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.
Phyllis Vance: Hi sweetie.
Phyllis Vance: I'm good baby. (they kiss, both dressed as Santa)
Michael Scott: Oh God. Get a room Santas!
Michael Scott: Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.
Dwight Schrute: It's real slippery out here. (sound of drummer's starts)
Pam Beesly: Twelve drummers drumming. (marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals)
Andy Bernard: Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! (dances along to the drumming)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 6. Secret Santa is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.