In season 6 episode 13 of The Office, an investment banker visits Dunder Mifflin to evaluate the company for a potential sale. Michael, worried about the branch's image, makes some changes and has the staff cover up the branch's many issues. This page contains the full script and all the lines from "The Banker".
Michael Scott:Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.
Eric:Hi -
Computron:(Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system) Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.
Eric:Hello.
Michael Scott:(entering on a Segway Scooter) I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
Computron:Yes.
Michael Scott:What is the world's largest ocean?
Computron:Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
Michael Scott:Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Andy Bernard:Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
Michael Scott:That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Pam Beesly:Hello.
Computron:The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Pam Beesly:Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.
Pam Beesly:It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.
Michael Scott:Hello, Stanley.
Fake Stanley:Hi.
Pam Beesly:For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.
Eric:Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.
Michael Scott:Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -
Eric:Right.
Michael Scott:- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
Eric:Yeah.
Michael Scott:They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Computron:Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Michael Scott:No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
Computron:Are you calling me wrong?
Michael Scott:(sighs) Oh, my God.
Eric:It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.
Michael Scott:Alright. Excuse me. (slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there) If you will -
Ryan Howard:Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -
Michael Scott:- follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. (Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby)
Dwight Schrute:Oh, we will. Have a seat. (Michael gives a pleased look then exits)
Michael Scott:I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
Eric:So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.
Dwight Schrute:He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Toby Flenderson:What are, are you doing at my desk?
Dwight Schrute:Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Toby Flenderson:Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Dwight Schrute:Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. (laughs) Welcome. (Dwight exits)
Toby Flenderson:Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Eric:Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
Toby Flenderson:What do you mean?
Eric:Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.
Toby Flenderson:Um... nothing comes to mind. (clip montage)
Eric:So, the staff?
Toby Flenderson:Mm-hmm.
Eric:Are people generally happy?
Toby Flenderson:(laughing) Happy's a funny word.
Eric:In what way?
Toby Flenderson:You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. (shakes head) Keep philosophers busy for awhile.
Eric:So... generally?
Toby Flenderson:Yes.
Eric:Generally.
Toby Flenderson:Generally happy. (clip montage)
Eric:(whispering) Generally happy.
Eric:What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?
Toby Flenderson:Oh, I don't know.
Eric:You, you don't know.
Toby Flenderson:I don't know.
Eric:You're the head of Human Resources.
Toby Flenderson:I don't know. No.
Eric:Ok. (clip montage)
Toby Flenderson:I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
Michael Scott:Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?
Toby Flenderson:Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.
Michael Scott:Stuff. I love stuff.
Toby Flenderson:It's, uh, it's HR stuff.
Michael Scott:HR stuff? (pulls up a chair) HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. (pointing to Eric's notes) What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Eric:It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.
Michael Scott:Ah.
Eric:Talkin' bout, uh -
Michael Scott:Talkin' bout, uh, what?
Eric:Waste is next.
Michael Scott:Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Eric:No, waste of time and resources.
Michael Scott:Oh, time and resources.
Toby Flenderson:Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -
Michael Scott:No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. (clip montage)
Eric:Is anyone near retirement age? (Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage)
Eric:(on the phone) Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.
Michael Scott:This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. (to Toby) Right? Would you agree with that?
Toby Flenderson:Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Michael Scott:That's, that is true. (clip montage)
Dwight Schrute:(as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby) Thank you, so much.
Kevin Malone:Thank you.
Angela Martin:Thank you.
Eric:Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.
Pam Beesly:Good to meet you.
Angela Martin:Have a great day.
Dwight Schrute:Hope to see you soon.
Kevin Malone:Yeah.
Michael Scott:I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? (clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle)
Michael Scott:I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron:Computron experiencing emotion.
Michael Scott:Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?
Computron:Ok.
Michael Scott:Just - sh -
Computron:(after a pause) Please don't. Computron -
Michael Scott:Shut -
Computron:wants to live.
Michael Scott:Shut up. Shut up.
Michael Scott:(extended Lazy Scranton video) Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight Schrute:Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael Scott:So check out how we live
Both:in the Electric City!
Michael Scott:They call it Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.
Dwight Schrute:But check that it's covered by your
Both:Healthcare Provider!
Michael Scott:Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Dwight Schrute:But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Both:Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.
Michael Scott:Snack attack time.
Dwight Schrute:Don't lose your head.
Michael Scott:We like Cugino's
Both:for the tasty bread.
Michael Scott:They call it Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:What?
Michael Scott:The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute:(pause) What?
Michael Scott:Ugh.
In "The Office" episode 13, season 6, "The Banker" is a memorable one. Dunder Mifflin is being sold. An investment banker comes to evaluate the Scranton branch. Michael Scott is nervous about this visit. He makes changes to appear more appealing. He even introduces "Computron," a fake virtual helper. Dwight pretends to be Toby in HR. He wants to hide the branch's many issues.
The banker asks about safety problems and lawsuits. Toby says there are none. But a series of clips show otherwise. The clips show many dangerous and funny moments. We see Michael's antics, safety mishaps, and wasted time. There are clips of Stanley's health scare and Andy's anger. Kevin breaks the vending machine. These scenes are often searched for by fans. They highlight the chaos of Dunder Mifflin.
The banker also asks about workplace happiness and harassment. Toby struggles to answer honestly. More clips show the opposite of a happy workplace. We see fights, pranks, and inappropriate behavior. Creed's strange actions are shown when asked about retirement. The episode ends with Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle. Michael reflects on the branch's worth. He believes in their future despite the flaws. The extended "Lazy Scranton" video is also a fan favorite. It showcases Michael and Dwight's rap about their city. Remember, you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote to share on social media.
