Scene 011 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.
Scene 0213 linesEricOpen quote: Hi -ComputronOpen quote: (Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system) Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.EricOpen quote: Hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: (entering on a Segway Scooter) I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?ComputronOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: What is the world's largest ocean?ComputronOpen quote: Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!Michael ScottOpen quote: Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?Andy BernardOpen quote: Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.Michael ScottOpen quote: That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hello.ComputronOpen quote: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.
Scene 031 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.
Scene 051 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.
Scene 0610 linesEricOpen quote: Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -EricOpen quote: Right.Michael ScottOpen quote: - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?EricOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.ComputronOpen quote: Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.ComputronOpen quote: Are you calling me wrong?Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighs) Oh, my God.
Scene 071 lineEricOpen quote: It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.
Scene 084 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Alright. Excuse me. (slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there) If you will -Ryan HowardOpen quote: Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -Michael ScottOpen quote: - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. (Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, we will. Have a seat. (Michael gives a pleased look then exits)
Scene 091 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
Scene 1011 linesEricOpen quote: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: What are, are you doing at my desk?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. (laughs) Welcome. (Dwight exits)Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?EricOpen quote: Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: What do you mean?EricOpen quote: Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Um... nothing comes to mind. (clip montage)
Scene 1111 linesEricOpen quote: So, the staff?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Mm-hmm.EricOpen quote: Are people generally happy?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (laughing) Happy's a funny word.EricOpen quote: In what way?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. (shakes head) Keep philosophers busy for awhile.EricOpen quote: So... generally?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yes.EricOpen quote: Generally.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Generally happy. (clip montage)EricOpen quote: (whispering) Generally happy.
Scene 127 linesEricOpen quote: What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh, I don't know.EricOpen quote: You, you don't know.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't know.EricOpen quote: You're the head of Human Resources.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't know. No.EricOpen quote: Ok. (clip montage)
Scene 131 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
Scene 1415 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.Michael ScottOpen quote: Stuff. I love stuff.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's, uh, it's HR stuff.Michael ScottOpen quote: HR stuff? (pulls up a chair) HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. (pointing to Eric's notes) What is that? What kind of stuff is that?EricOpen quote: It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah.EricOpen quote: Talkin' bout, uh -Michael ScottOpen quote: Talkin' bout, uh, what?EricOpen quote: Waste is next.Michael ScottOpen quote: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?EricOpen quote: No, waste of time and resources.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, time and resources.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. (clip montage)
Scene 151 lineEricOpen quote: Is anyone near retirement age? (Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage)
Scene 161 lineEricOpen quote: (on the phone) Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.
Scene 173 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. (to Toby) Right? Would you agree with that?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's, that is true. (clip montage)
Scene 188 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby) Thank you, so much.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Thank you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.EricOpen quote: Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Good to meet you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Have a great day.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hope to see you soon.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 191 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? (clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle)
Scene 209 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.ComputronOpen quote: Computron experiencing emotion.Michael ScottOpen quote: Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?ComputronOpen quote: Ok.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just - sh -ComputronOpen quote: (after a pause) Please don't. Computron -Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut -ComputronOpen quote: wants to live.Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut up. Shut up.
Scene 2129 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (extended Lazy Scranton video) Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.Michael ScottOpen quote: So check out how we liveBothOpen quote: in the Electric City!Michael ScottOpen quote: They call it Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But check that it's covered by yourBothOpen quote: Healthcare Provider!Michael ScottOpen quote: Plenty of space in the parking lot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But the little cars go in the compact spot!BothOpen quote: Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.Michael ScottOpen quote: Snack attack time.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't lose your head.Michael ScottOpen quote: We like Cugino'sBothOpen quote: for the tasty bread.Michael ScottOpen quote: They call it Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (pause) What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ugh.