Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Banker

Vol. 6 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold, which means Michael is busy turning the office into a high-tech wonderland featuring a talking computer named Computron. Here’s the full script with every single line of dialogue, including the awkward HR session where Toby struggles to answer basic questions about liability. You’ll find all the classic moments here, like the "Lazy Scranton" rap and Michael’s unique take on the principles of Lady Gaga.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.

Scene 02

13 lines
Eric
Hi -
Computron
(Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system) Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.
Eric
Hello.
Michael Scott
(entering on a Segway Scooter) I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
Computron
Yes.
Michael Scott
What is the world's largest ocean?
Computron
Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
Michael Scott
Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Andy Bernard
Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
Michael Scott
That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Pam Beesly
Hello.
Computron
The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Pam Beesly
Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.

Scene 04

2 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Stanley.
Fake Stanley
Hi.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.

Scene 06

10 lines
Eric
Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.
Michael Scott
Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -
Eric
Right.
Michael Scott
- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
Eric
Yeah.
Michael Scott
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Computron
Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Michael Scott
No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
Computron
Are you calling me wrong?
Michael Scott
(sighs) Oh, my God.

Scene 07

1 line
Eric
It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.

Scene 08

4 lines
Michael Scott
Alright. Excuse me. (slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there) If you will -
Ryan Howard
Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -
Michael Scott
- follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. (Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, we will. Have a seat. (Michael gives a pleased look then exits)

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.

Scene 10

11 lines
Eric
So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.
Dwight Schrute
He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Toby Flenderson
What are, are you doing at my desk?
Dwight Schrute
Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Toby Flenderson
Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. (laughs) Welcome. (Dwight exits)
Toby Flenderson
Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Eric
Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
Toby Flenderson
What do you mean?
Eric
Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.
Toby Flenderson
Um... nothing comes to mind. (clip montage)

Scene 11

11 lines
Eric
So, the staff?
Toby Flenderson
Mm-hmm.
Eric
Are people generally happy?
Toby Flenderson
(laughing) Happy's a funny word.
Eric
In what way?
Toby Flenderson
You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. (shakes head) Keep philosophers busy for awhile.
Eric
So... generally?
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Eric
Generally.
Toby Flenderson
Generally happy. (clip montage)
Eric
(whispering) Generally happy.

Scene 12

7 lines
Eric
What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, I don't know.
Eric
You, you don't know.
Toby Flenderson
I don't know.
Eric
You're the head of Human Resources.
Toby Flenderson
I don't know. No.
Eric
Ok. (clip montage)

Scene 13

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.

Scene 14

15 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?
Toby Flenderson
Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.
Michael Scott
Stuff. I love stuff.
Toby Flenderson
It's, uh, it's HR stuff.
Michael Scott
HR stuff? (pulls up a chair) HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. (pointing to Eric's notes) What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Eric
It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.
Michael Scott
Ah.
Eric
Talkin' bout, uh -
Michael Scott
Talkin' bout, uh, what?
Eric
Waste is next.
Michael Scott
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Eric
No, waste of time and resources.
Michael Scott
Oh, time and resources.
Toby Flenderson
Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -
Michael Scott
No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. (clip montage)

Scene 15

1 line
Eric
Is anyone near retirement age? (Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage)

Scene 16

1 line
Eric
(on the phone) Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.

Scene 17

3 lines
Michael Scott
This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. (to Toby) Right? Would you agree with that?
Toby Flenderson
Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Michael Scott
That's, that is true. (clip montage)

Scene 18

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby) Thank you, so much.
Kevin Malone
Thank you.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Eric
Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.
Pam Beesly
Good to meet you.
Angela Martin
Have a great day.
Dwight Schrute
Hope to see you soon.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? (clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle)

Scene 20

9 lines
Michael Scott
I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron
Computron experiencing emotion.
Michael Scott
Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?
Computron
Ok.
Michael Scott
Just - sh -
Computron
(after a pause) Please don't. Computron -
Michael Scott
Shut -
Computron
wants to live.
Michael Scott
Shut up. Shut up.

Scene 21

29 lines
Michael Scott
(extended Lazy Scranton video) Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight Schrute
Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael Scott
So check out how we live
Both
in the Electric City!
Michael Scott
They call it Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.
Dwight Schrute
But check that it's covered by your
Both
Healthcare Provider!
Michael Scott
Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Dwight Schrute
But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Both
Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.
Michael Scott
Snack attack time.
Dwight Schrute
Don't lose your head.
Michael Scott
We like Cugino's
Both
for the tasty bread.
Michael Scott
They call it Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight Schrute
(pause) What?
Michael Scott
Ugh.