Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Sabre

Vol. 6 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Every line from the "Sabre" episode is right here, including the awkward "Electric City" song and David Wallace’s questionable business ideas. You'll find the full script covering Gabe's arrival and Jim's unfortunate bathroom run-in at the daycare. It’s the easiest way to catch all the "Sob-ray" versus "Sabre" confusion without the site blockers.

Scene 01

4 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah. (clapping and chanting) I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? (points to Erin)
Erin Hannon
(clapping) I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? (points to Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
I think you don't know what you're saying.
Michael Scott
It's from "Sob-ray", our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. (Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. (mispronounced "sob-ray") They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh! (rips open cardboard box) Wow. Awesome. (distributing items) For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.

Scene 04

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Here we go. (scans stuffed animal) Oh! Wow.
Michael Scott
Cool. What next? (Dwight puts his face on scanner)
Erin Hannon
Guys, um, who's Gabe? This note says to put the box aside for Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow?

Scene 05

9 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control -
Dwight Schrute
Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened...
Dwight Schrute
Terrible mistake.
Michael Scott
And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
Dwight Schrute
Undistributable.
Pam Beesly
Well, maybe we can put the box back together.
Dwight Schrute
Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
Oscar Martinez
I think we can do it.

Scene 06

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(Pam and Oscar are trying to repack cardboard box) Yep, yep.
Oscar Martinez
Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle -
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Oscar Martinez
Fax, cable, then the scanner upside down?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Creed Bratton
Have you tried making everything smaller?

Scene 07

11 lines
Michael Scott
And - (Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers) Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. (cell phone starts ringing from inside box)
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. (Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam)
Pam Beesly
No, don't!
Michael Scott
(fumbles) Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.
Michael Scott
Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready?
Pam Beesly
What do you want us to do?
Michael Scott
Why do I have to explain everything?
Pam Beesly
Because we're usually not on the same page.
Michael Scott
Okay. (starts round of applause)
Gabe Lewis
Oh. Okay. And to you. (begins applauding)

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. (holding up photo of him and Wallace) You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.

Scene 09

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?
Michael Scott
You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok?
Gabe Lewis
Um, hi, uh, my name is Gabe Lewis. I am coordinating director for merging regions.
Michael Scott
Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Co-manager, actually.
Michael Scott
In training.
Jim Halpert
Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So...
Gabe Lewis
We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger.
Michael Scott
We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right?
Dwight Schrute
So excited.
Michael Scott
We have a little song prepared for you.
Gabe Lewis
Um, actually, if you don't mind, I would love to put this on the Sabre website. (correctly pronounced "say-ber")
Michael Scott
Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Of course.
Michael Scott
Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys.
Andy Bernard
Ok. (playing guitar to the tune of Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA)
Andy & Erin
(singing) Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA, another cloudy gray afternoon. Jumped in the cab, here you are for the first time, look to the right see the "Electric City" sign. This is gonna be good day, for Dunder Mifflin and Sob-ray. Sab - (guitar stops)
Michael Scott
Saber.
Andy Bernard
Saber. (sings) Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay.
Andy & Erin
Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre. (music stops)
Andy Bernard
You sure it's saber?

Scene 10

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Thank you. Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20.
Pam Beesly
Oh, you mapquested it. It's four blocks away.
Jim Halpert
Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive. And that takes one minute.

Scene 11

5 lines
Pam Beesly
We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means it's also really hard to get into.
Jim Halpert
Turns out, a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird.
Pam Beesly
We're hoping our interview seals the deal.
Jim Halpert
But if not, there's always the army. The infantry.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Scene 12

2 lines
Christian Slater
So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi. I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
Jo Bennett
You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. We're very excited to go on this journey with you.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
(Christian Slater impression) So you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, "What's going on?" Well, you're not alone.

Scene 14

3 lines
Michael Scott
Wow. Really terrific.
Gabe Lewis
Most of our business comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper.
Michael Scott
Perfect.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
No. Don't like that.

Scene 16

7 lines
Gabe Lewis
At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication. You should always feel free to express your thoughts, your -
Meredith Palmer
Talk about vacation days!
Gabe Lewis
We have a policy here at Sabre where we are, uh, allowed to take two weeks.
Oscar Martinez
But I banked six weeks.
Angela Martin
I already booked a Great Lakes cruise.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?
Gabe Lewis
Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy. Uh, he's setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites. And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
Mm, nope. Don't like that.

Scene 18

8 lines
Gabe Lewis
Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment.
Michael Scott
We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right?
Gabe Lewis
Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?
Michael Scott
I don't know what they're made of.
Dwight Schrute
They're 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.
Gabe Lewis
Ok, well, I bet you can fit 20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle.
Michael Scott
You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
That's ok.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba -

Scene 20

4 lines
Michael Scott
(in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby) Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?
Toby Flenderson
Oop.
Michael Scott
What?
Toby Flenderson
Looks like we kicked it. (indicates water jug is empty)

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.

Scene 22

8 lines
Michael Scott
I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us.
Gabe Lewis
Oh, I don't get that sense at all from you, so...
Michael Scott
Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em.
Gabe Lewis
Which ones?
Michael Scott
All of them.
Gabe Lewis
Well, I wish that I could do something, but it's kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know?
Michael Scott
So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?
Gabe Lewis
You know what? Let me see what I can do.

Scene 23

9 lines
Jim Halpert
(after entering daycare) Ok, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen. Cubbies. I totally forgot about cubbies.
Pam Beesly
There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here?
Jim Halpert
Oh. Adorable, right? (opens kiddie bathroom, sees man on toilet) I walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Pam Beesly
Who? The -
Jim Halpert
I don't know. I don't know.
Pam Beesly
The guy we're meeting with?
Jim Halpert
I don't know, I don't know.

Scene 24

3 lines
Andy Bernard
I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here.
Erin Hannon
Well, I saw them in there.
Andy Bernard
Well maybe they ran away, because the pizza was like, (imitating Italian accent) "Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries."

Scene 25

1 line
Erin Hannon
I think when Andy finally asks me out he's going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I can't wait to see what he comes up with.

Scene 26

1 line
Andy Bernard
The ball's totally in Erin's court. After the whole drum line thing.

Scene 27

16 lines
Gabe Lewis
(on videochat) First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say, in just the way you wanted me to say it, so...
Jo Bennett
Gabe, honey, I love this. I love the sound of your voice. But I really need some new information now.
Gabe Lewis
Ok, um, I told the story of your uncle, and I have a feeling that you would have (Michael gesturing behind computer) really been proud of the way... Okay, um...
Jo Bennett
Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? Is there somebody in the room with you? (Michael gesturing "no") I want to see who it is. Turn me around.
Gabe Lewis
I don't - it's just...
Jo Bennett
Turn me around. Now. (Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles) Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said?
Michael Scott
Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello.
Jo Bennett
Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you.
Michael Scott
Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.
Jo Bennett
Aw, thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?
Michael Scott
Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and -
Jo Bennett
Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things.
Michael Scott
Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do.
Jo Bennett
So listen, why don't you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes.
Michael Scott
I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help.
Jo Bennett
I would take until the end of the day if I were you. (Michael leaves conference room)

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
(Throws aluminum bottle out of car window, breaks a windshield, speeds out of parking lot)

Scene 29

18 lines
Jerry
Pam and Jim? Hey, I'm Jerry.
Pam Beesly
Hi Jerry.
Jim Halpert
Jerry.
Jerry
Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room.
Jim Halpert
This is great. Got to confess, we came a little early, so we got a quick look around, but, uh -
Jerry
Oh, so you saw it already?
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, no. Yes. We saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around. We really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular.
Pam Beesly
It's lovely.
Jerry
(cell phone rings) Oh. Got to take this. Sorry.
Jim Halpert
Do it.
Jerry
Okay. Hi, this is Jerry.
Pam Beesly
Ok, you've got to pull it together.
Jim Halpert
We should just go. He's really uncomfortable.
Pam Beesly
He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird.
Jim Halpert
What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open?
Pam Beesly
That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem.
Jerry
Sorry about that. Right this way.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 30

14 lines
Michael Scott
I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. (rings doorbell) He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? (loud drumming as door opens) Hey. Hi, sorry.
David Wallace
Michael.
Michael Scott
I hope you're not busy doing something.
David Wallace
No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on.
Michael Scott
You sure?
David Wallace
You look great.
Michael Scott
You look great too.
David Wallace
You hungry? I'm just having lunch.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah, that sounds good.
David Wallace
Fantastic. Teddy, look who just stopped in.
Teddy Wallace
Huh? Hey. (continues drumming)
Michael Scott
Hey. Wow.
David Wallace
Keep it up, son.
Michael Scott
Really loud.

Scene 31

15 lines
Michael Scott
Wow. Oh, yummy. (David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread) You have got the life, my friend.
David Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Can I just stay here and never go back?
David Wallace
Things not going so well there?
Michael Scott
Oh, man. How much time do you have?
David Wallace
I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Mrs. Wallace
Hey, honey. How's your day going? Did you do anything cool?
David Wallace
Uh, no, sweetie. I just sort of hung out.
Mrs. Wallace
Oh, 'cause I saw you had shoes on, so I didn't know if you did anything.
David Wallace
No. Just hanging out, honey. You remember Michael.
Michael Scott
Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see...
Mrs. Wallace
No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to?
Michael Scott
I don't know.
David Wallace
Uh, but maybe, uh - actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside. May -maybe we'll go outside. (drumming intensifies) Outside.

Scene 32

18 lines
Jim Halpert
There was one thing we were curious about, uh, your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day, because we might want to change our days around a little bit.
Jerry
That seems a bit premature, don't you think? I don't even know if I have a space for you yet, and you're already lining up your holiday plans.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, sorry. Just, um, we're kind of planners. But we're also flexible too, so you know what? Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes.
Jerry
Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it.
Pam Beesly
Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?
Jim Halpert
What?
Jerry
Seriously? You told her?
Jim Halpert
Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you.
Jerry
And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going?
Jim Halpert
No.
Pam Beesly
Maybe, because it doesn't seem to be going super well.
Jerry
Well, you didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well just because it might not be going super well?
Pam Beesly
Nope. 'Cause we're really nice people but you don't seem to like us.
Jerry
I'm being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?
Jim Halpert
Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet? Why didn't you just lock the door, man?
Jerry
It doesn't lock for the children's safety.
Jim Halpert
Anybody could have walked in.
Jerry
It was story time.

Scene 33

20 lines
Michael Scott
Sabre is changing everything. (Michael and David sitting in hot tub) Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace?
David Wallace
I don't know. I mean, what can you do?
Michael Scott
Exactly. What are you thinking?
David Wallace
I, I - It's a tough one.
Michael Scott
It is a tough one.
David Wallace
I don't have any ideas for you there.
Michael Scott
Yeah. But one would be good.
David Wallace
Hey, oh, okay. Wait.
Michael Scott
Okay.
David Wallace
I want to tell you about a business idea I have.
Michael Scott
Okay.
David Wallace
Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. It's like a shop-vac type of thing. (imitates vacuum) Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves, hacky sacks, drumsticks. (sucking noise) Picks it up!
Michael Scott
So the kid's making the noise to pick it up.
David Wallace
No. No, no, no. That's the -that's the vacuum noise.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay.
David Wallace
You-you don't like it.
Michael Scott
No, I think it is-
David Wallace
No, it's ok. Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research, he's gonna draw up the prototype. And, uh... It's like shop-vac. (sucking noise) Did I say that?
Michael Scott
Yep.
David Wallace
It'll be ok.

Scene 34

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, any fun weekend plans?
Erin Hannon
No, you?
Andy Bernard
Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Erin Hannon
Nothing. It's wide open.
Andy Bernard
Okay.

Scene 35

1 line
Andy Bernard
That's as hard as I can hint.

Scene 36

6 lines
David Wallace
Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I can get Arnie on board if you wanted to join us for suck it. Work together again.
Michael Scott
The what?
David Wallace
Suck it. That's what it's called.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay.
David Wallace
Huh? Catchy. Kids'll love it.
Michael Scott
Like it.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em.

Scene 38

5 lines
Michael Scott
See you later. (hugs Wallace)
David Wallace
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
Bye now.
David Wallace
Thank you for coming.
Michael Scott
Thanks for having me.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. (reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him) That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here.

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Hello. (comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle) Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh.

Scene 42

11 lines
Michael Scott
Well, I'm not really one for making speeches.
Everyone
Yes. Yes, you are. You make a lot.
Michael Scott
But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you.
Angela Martin
That's your toast?
Michael Scott
No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, this isn't a toast. You're just thinking out loud.
Michael Scott
Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good.
Kevin Malone
Just 'cause you have liquid that doesn't make it a toast.
Michael Scott
Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
Everyone
To us and to Sabre.
Michael Scott
Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome.

Scene 43

14 lines
David Wallace
(singing) Well, it's a mess, what a mess. What you gonna do? You're going to take out your Suck It and you suck it. Suck it. Yeah, take out your Suck It and you suck it.
Teddy
Suck it!
David Wallace
Yeah!
Teddy
Suck it!
David Wallace
Yeah!
Teddy
Suck it!
David Wallace
Yeah! Take out the Suck It and we'll...
Teddy
Suck it!
David Wallace
Yeah!
Teddy
Suck it!
David Wallace
Yeah!
Both
Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it.
David Wallace
Yeah! Teddy!
Teddy
Yeah. (high-five each other)