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Season 6 Episode 15
Manager and Salesman

Every line from The Office episode "Manager and Salesman", season 6 episode 15.

Hotel Employee: (on phone) Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?
Michael Scott: Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Hotel Employee: Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...
Michael Scott: Okey doke.
Hotel Employee: Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: (looking through Michael's email) I'm not seeing anything under "confirmation."
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Could it be under "affirmation?" Cause you have thousands of those.
Michael Scott: No. (to hotel employee on phone) We're trying to look it up right now.
Dwight Schrute: You (i)did(/i) get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael Scott: Um, come on.
Dwight Schrute: Michael...
Hotel Employee: Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.
Michael Scott: Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!
Hotel Employee: ...Oh, here it is. Yep.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Hotel Employee: Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Michael Scott: That's it!
Hotel Employee: Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.
Michael & Dwight: Uh-huh, okay...
Hotel Employee: Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott: Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Hotel Employee: There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.
Michael Scott: Okay, put it on my card.
Michael Scott: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?
Michael Scott: (Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight) Why hello!
Gabe Lewis: This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch.
Michael Scott: Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo Bennett: Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the "Mrs." just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.
Andy Bernard: (Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch) These sure are pretty dogs...
Jo Bennett: They love a good crotch.
Andy Bernard: They sure do.
Jo Bennett: You should take that as a compliment!
Andy Bernard: Oh, I do!
Jo Bennett: (to Dwight) Hello.
Dwight Schrute: Hello.
Jo Bennett: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight Schrute: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.
Jo Bennett: I like that.
Gabe Lewis: This is Accounting.
Kevin Malone: Hi!
Jo Bennett: Good-looking group.
Gabe Lewis: Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
Jo Bennett: Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
Gabe Lewis: That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo Bennett: (gesturing to Michael) I thought this guy was the manager?
Gabe Lewis: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.
Jo Bennett: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!
Andy Bernard: Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Angela Martin: (as Andy is passing her a card) No, no!
Kevin Malone: What, no candy?
Andy Bernard: Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem "too eager," so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.
Andy Bernard: (throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat): Look alive.
Meredith Palmer: Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.
Michael Scott: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Jim Halpert: Whoa, whoa.
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa!
Jim Halpert: I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Michael handles more of the "big-picture" stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...
Jo Bennett: Yeah. I think I understand.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Jo Bennett: Each of you is doing half a job.
Jim Halpert: No.
Michael Scott: And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Jo Bennett: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim Halpert: I don't think so.
Jo Bennett: Michael?
Michael Scott: Forget the question...
Jo Bennett: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael Scott: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim Halpert: I... Why would you just say something like that?
Michael Scott: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim Halpert: Do you even know what that means?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jo Bennett: Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go.
Jim Halpert: Um...
Jo Bennett: You can go on. Shoo!
Jo Bennett: I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.
Andy Bernard: (almost running into Erin) Whoa-oh, traffic jam!
Erin Hannon: Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!
Andy Bernard: (imitating car noises) Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Erin Hannon: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Andy Bernard: There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card.
Erin Hannon: (opening card) Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!
Andy Bernard: Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.
Erin Hannon: You named them?
Andy Bernard: Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?
Erin Hannon: Uh, yeah I do remember. (reading card) Aw, they love each other.
Andy Bernard: Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.
Erin Hannon: Wow, it smells really good too.
Andy Bernard: Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.
Erin Hannon: Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!
Andy Bernard: It's got pheromones in it.
Jo Bennett: Hey!
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Jo Bennett: (to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair) Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!
Kevin Malone: Jo, there's books in my chair.
Jo Bennett: That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?
Michael Scott: No, we know. Texas!
Jo Bennett: Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.
Michael Scott: I could manage my way around that.
Jo Bennett: They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
Michael Scott: I will try to manage my excitement!
Michael Scott: I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.
Jo Bennett: I think that's it. So we're all good! (many employees raise their hands) Thanks ya'll.
Dwight Schrute: (Jo leaves) I, uh...
Kelly Kapoor: (reading her Valentine's card from Andy) Oh my God.
Kelly Kapoor: I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.
Pam Beesly: So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.
Jim Halpert: This is way more than I make now.
Jim Halpert: I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.
Jim Halpert: Hey, you got a second?
Michael Scott: Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
Jim Halpert: Actually, yeah.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.
Michael Scott: What? Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Wow!
Michael Scott: La la la, hello Oscar!
Oscar Martinez: Michael. Reading.
Michael Scott: What are you reading?
Oscar Martinez: The Atlantic.
Michael Scott: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Oscar Martinez: I should step into sales myself.
Michael Scott: Why, is there an untapped gay market?
Oscar Martinez: Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Michael Scott: ...Where did you get that information.
Oscar Martinez: Manual.
Michael Scott: Manuel who?
Michael Scott: Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. (enters conference room) Pardon me.
Jo Bennett: Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jo Bennett: Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Michael Scott: Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Jo Bennett: Really?
Jim Halpert: Really.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.
Jo Bennett: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim Halpert: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Michael Scott: No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
Jim Halpert: Why would you do that?
Michael Scott: I'm turning myself in right now!
Jo Bennett: You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jo Bennett: I think you (to Michael) will become the salesman, and congratulations! (to Jim) You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!
Michael Scott: Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.
Pam Beesly: (pointing to the window in Michael's office) Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!
Jim Halpert: Mm!
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. (hangs up phone) 89... 88...
Dwight Schrute: You're twenty minutes late!
Ryan Howard: (walking up) Um, I was at another dumpster!
Dwight Schrute: Just admit you lost track of time.
Dwight Schrute: Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.
Ryan Howard: Did you see Saw?
Dwight Schrute: Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Ryan Howard: No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.
Ryan Howard: Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.
Dwight Schrute: I like where you're going with this. Continue.
Ryan Howard: Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Dwight Schrute: I have an old barn!
Ryan Howard: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?
Ryan Howard: We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...
Dwight Schrute: Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ryan Howard: Well suggest something else then! Don't just...
Dwight Schrute: He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Ryan Howard: Don't just criticize my idea!
Dwight Schrute: Think!
Ryan Howard: You think of something then!
Erin Hannon: Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk.
Michael Scott: How is that possible?
Erin Hannon: Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space.
Michael Scott: No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.
Erin Hannon: You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? (Michael's phone rings) Michael Scott, head of sales.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.
Dwight Schrute: The new IT guy. Nick.
Ryan Howard: Nick.
Dwight Schrute: I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.
Ryan Howard: Like Frodo!
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?
Ryan Howard: Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.
Dwight Schrute: Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
Dwight Schrute: I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.
Erin Hannon: Who's hungry?
Jim Halpert: What is that?
Erin Hannon: It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say "Who's hungry?"
Jim Halpert: Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Erin Hannon: Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Jim Halpert: Why would I wanna do that?
Erin Hannon: It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.
Jim Halpert: For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...
Erin Hannon: Oh sure.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Thank you.
Erin Hannon: Well.
Michael Scott: (on phone) It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. (hangs up phone, blows train whistle) I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Kevin Malone: Nice!
Dwight Schrute: You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.
Michael Scott: Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Dwight Schrute: It's not really 1992 anymore.
Michael Scott: Well, okay...
Kelly Kapoor: (reading Andy's card) You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.
Erin Hannon: Geez louise.
Kelly Kapoor: I know, obsessed with me much?
Erin Hannon: Well, everyone got one.
Kelly Kapoor: What did yours say?
Erin Hannon: Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.
Erin Hannon: It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.
Dwight Schrute: Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room.
Nick: Uh, yep.
Dwight Schrute: I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.
Nick: No, I actually don't.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.
Nick: I think that you should call the cops.
Dwight Schrute: No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.
Nick: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.
Ryan Howard: Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.
Nick: Are you... you threatening me?
Ryan Howard: Threatening you? No. (tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple)
Michael Scott: What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
Pam Beesly: Michael, stop.
Michael Scott: No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
Pam Beesly: Michael...
Michael Scott: You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, it's Phyllis.
Michael Scott: No, this is geological.
Phyllis Vance: I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?
Phyllis Vance: No.
Michael Scott: And you guys are okay with this?
Dwight Schrute: She sent an email, so.
Phyllis Vance: I did.
Andy Bernard: (has two tissues in his nostrils) It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh! You scared me!
Andy Bernard: I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.
Kelly Kapoor: I didn't see you. And you were there all along. (takes papers out of copy machine) Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.
Andy Bernard: Cool, thanks.
Kelly Kapoor: Bye, Andy. (kisses his cheek)
Andy Bernard: ...That was weird.
Meredith Palmer: No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Andy Bernard: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith Palmer: Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Jim Halpert: Well, the grass is always greener.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.
Jim Halpert: Well, it's what you wanted.
Michael Scott: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
Jim Halpert: For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.
Michael Scott: We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Jim Halpert: Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.
Michael Scott: Lethal Weapon?
Jim Halpert: That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.
Jo Bennett: You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?
Michael Scott: What? What I'm saying...
Jim Halpert: Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly.
Michael Scott: And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? (dogs go to him) See? They love me.
Jo Bennett: Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Michael Scott: Alright!
Jo Bennett: (cell phone rings) Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.
Andy Bernard: (Erin leaves room) Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: "Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way."
Phyllis Vance: You don't even like us as friends?
Andy Bernard: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.
Oscar Martinez: What are we, five?
Andy Bernard: "Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog."
Kelly Kapoor: (entering with Erin) Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?
Andy Bernard: It's n-- that wasn't... I like someone else.
Kelly Kapoor: Who?
Andy Bernard: It's not... Whether or not, you...
Kelly Kapoor: Who, what?
Erin Hannon: Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?
Michael Scott: Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin Hannon: Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.
Michael Scott: Erin, what about my keyboard? (Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat) Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?
Erin Hannon: Oh! (hits another key, they awkwardly dance together)
Pam Beesly: (gesturing to Michael dancing in his office) He looks happy.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he (Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles) what? Michael!
Dwight Schrute: (entering elevator with Ryan) I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.
Ryan Howard: Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.
Dwight Schrute: Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?
Ryan Howard: I would love to. (elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby) Why not?
Dwight Schrute: Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
Ryan Howard: Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.
Dwight Schrute: It is not "farm boy swill," I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.
Ryan Howard: I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!

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