Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Manager and Salesman

Vol. 6 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Jo Bennett finally arrives in Scranton with her massive dogs and a no-nonsense attitude that shakes things up for Michael and Jim. Since Sabre has no commission caps, every line of the chaotic scramble to decide who stays in the manager's office is right here for you. Take a look at the full script and hilarious quotes from this turning point in the Sabre era.

Scene 01

27 lines
Hotel Employee
(on phone) Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?
Michael Scott
Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Hotel Employee
Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...
Michael Scott
Okey doke.
Hotel Employee
Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
(looking through Michael's email) I'm not seeing anything under "confirmation."
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Could it be under "affirmation?" Cause you have thousands of those.
Michael Scott
No. (to hotel employee on phone) We're trying to look it up right now.
Dwight Schrute
You (i)did(/i) get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael Scott
Um, come on.
Dwight Schrute
Michael...
Hotel Employee
Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.
Michael Scott
Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!
Hotel Employee
...Oh, here it is. Yep.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Hotel Employee
Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Michael Scott
That's it!
Hotel Employee
Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.
Michael & Dwight
Uh-huh, okay...
Hotel Employee
Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott
Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Hotel Employee
There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.
Michael Scott
Okay, put it on my card.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?

Scene 03

23 lines
Michael Scott
(Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight) Why hello!
Gabe Lewis
This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch.
Michael Scott
Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo Bennett
Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the "Mrs." just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.
Andy Bernard
(Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch) These sure are pretty dogs...
Jo Bennett
They love a good crotch.
Andy Bernard
They sure do.
Jo Bennett
You should take that as a compliment!
Andy Bernard
Oh, I do!
Jo Bennett
(to Dwight) Hello.
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Jo Bennett
Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight Schrute
I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.
Jo Bennett
I like that.
Gabe Lewis
This is Accounting.
Kevin Malone
Hi!
Jo Bennett
Good-looking group.
Gabe Lewis
Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
Jo Bennett
Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
Gabe Lewis
That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo Bennett
(gesturing to Michael) I thought this guy was the manager?
Gabe Lewis
Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.
Jo Bennett
Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!

Scene 04

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Angela Martin
(as Andy is passing her a card) No, no!
Kevin Malone
What, no candy?

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem "too eager," so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.

Scene 06

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat): Look alive.
Meredith Palmer
Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!

Scene 07

1 line
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.

Scene 08

22 lines
Michael Scott
Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Jim Halpert
Whoa, whoa.
Michael Scott
Whoa, whoa!
Jim Halpert
I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Michael handles more of the "big-picture" stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...
Jo Bennett
Yeah. I think I understand.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Jo Bennett
Each of you is doing half a job.
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Jo Bennett
This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim Halpert
I don't think so.
Jo Bennett
Michael?
Michael Scott
Forget the question...
Jo Bennett
I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael Scott
I humbly accept the management position.
Jim Halpert
I... Why would you just say something like that?
Michael Scott
Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim Halpert
Do you even know what that means?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jo Bennett
Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go.
Jim Halpert
Um...
Jo Bennett
You can go on. Shoo!

Scene 09

1 line
Jo Bennett
I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.

Scene 10

15 lines
Andy Bernard
(almost running into Erin) Whoa-oh, traffic jam!
Erin Hannon
Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!
Andy Bernard
(imitating car noises) Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Erin Hannon
Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Andy Bernard
There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card.
Erin Hannon
(opening card) Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!
Andy Bernard
Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.
Erin Hannon
You named them?
Andy Bernard
Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?
Erin Hannon
Uh, yeah I do remember. (reading card) Aw, they love each other.
Andy Bernard
Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.
Erin Hannon
Wow, it smells really good too.
Andy Bernard
Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.
Erin Hannon
Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!
Andy Bernard
It's got pheromones in it.

Scene 11

10 lines
Jo Bennett
Hey!
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Jo Bennett
(to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair) Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!
Kevin Malone
Jo, there's books in my chair.
Jo Bennett
That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?
Michael Scott
No, we know. Texas!
Jo Bennett
Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.
Michael Scott
I could manage my way around that.
Jo Bennett
They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
Michael Scott
I will try to manage my excitement!

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.

Scene 13

2 lines
Jo Bennett
I think that's it. So we're all good! (many employees raise their hands) Thanks ya'll.
Dwight Schrute
(Jo leaves) I, uh...

Scene 14

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(reading her Valentine's card from Andy) Oh my God.

Scene 15

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.

Scene 16

2 lines
Pam Beesly
So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.
Jim Halpert
This is way more than I make now.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.

Scene 18

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, you got a second?
Michael Scott
Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
Jim Halpert
Actually, yeah.
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.
Michael Scott
What? Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Wow!

Scene 19

11 lines
Michael Scott
La la la, hello Oscar!
Oscar Martinez
Michael. Reading.
Michael Scott
What are you reading?
Oscar Martinez
The Atlantic.
Michael Scott
Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Oscar Martinez
I should step into sales myself.
Michael Scott
Why, is there an untapped gay market?
Oscar Martinez
Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Michael Scott
...Where did you get that information.
Oscar Martinez
Manual.
Michael Scott
Manuel who?

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.

Scene 21

17 lines
Michael Scott
Son of a bitch. (enters conference room) Pardon me.
Jo Bennett
Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jo Bennett
Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Michael Scott
Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Jo Bennett
Really?
Jim Halpert
Really.
Michael Scott
Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.
Jo Bennett
Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim Halpert
No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Michael Scott
No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
Jim Halpert
Why would you do that?
Michael Scott
I'm turning myself in right now!
Jo Bennett
You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Jo Bennett
I think you (to Michael) will become the salesman, and congratulations! (to Jim) You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!
Michael Scott
Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.

Scene 22

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(pointing to the window in Michael's office) Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!
Jim Halpert
Mm!

Scene 23

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. (hangs up phone) 89... 88...

Scene 24

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
You're twenty minutes late!
Ryan Howard
(walking up) Um, I was at another dumpster!
Dwight Schrute
Just admit you lost track of time.

Scene 25

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.

Scene 26

17 lines
Ryan Howard
Did you see Saw?
Dwight Schrute
Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Ryan Howard
No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.
Ryan Howard
Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.
Dwight Schrute
I like where you're going with this. Continue.
Ryan Howard
Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Dwight Schrute
I have an old barn!
Ryan Howard
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?
Ryan Howard
We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...
Dwight Schrute
Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ryan Howard
Well suggest something else then! Don't just...
Dwight Schrute
He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Ryan Howard
Don't just criticize my idea!
Dwight Schrute
Think!
Ryan Howard
You think of something then!

Scene 27

7 lines
Erin Hannon
Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk.
Michael Scott
How is that possible?
Erin Hannon
Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space.
Michael Scott
No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.
Erin Hannon
You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? (Michael's phone rings) Michael Scott, head of sales.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.

Scene 28

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
The new IT guy. Nick.
Ryan Howard
Nick.
Dwight Schrute
I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.
Ryan Howard
Like Frodo!
Dwight Schrute
Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?
Ryan Howard
Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.
Dwight Schrute
Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.

Scene 30

11 lines
Erin Hannon
Who's hungry?
Jim Halpert
What is that?
Erin Hannon
It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say "Who's hungry?"
Jim Halpert
Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Erin Hannon
Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Jim Halpert
Why would I wanna do that?
Erin Hannon
It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.
Jim Halpert
For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...
Erin Hannon
Oh sure.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Thank you.
Erin Hannon
Well.

Scene 31

6 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. (hangs up phone, blows train whistle) I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Kevin Malone
Nice!
Dwight Schrute
You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.
Michael Scott
Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Dwight Schrute
It's not really 1992 anymore.
Michael Scott
Well, okay...

Scene 32

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(reading Andy's card) You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.
Erin Hannon
Geez louise.
Kelly Kapoor
I know, obsessed with me much?
Erin Hannon
Well, everyone got one.
Kelly Kapoor
What did yours say?
Erin Hannon
Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.

Scene 33

1 line
Erin Hannon
It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.

Scene 34

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room.
Nick
Uh, yep.
Dwight Schrute
I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.
Nick
No, I actually don't.
Dwight Schrute
Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.
Nick
I think that you should call the cops.
Dwight Schrute
No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.
Nick
I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.
Ryan Howard
Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.
Nick
Are you... you threatening me?
Ryan Howard
Threatening you? No. (tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple)

Scene 35

15 lines
Michael Scott
What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
Pam Beesly
Michael, stop.
Michael Scott
No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
Pam Beesly
Michael...
Michael Scott
You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, it's Phyllis.
Michael Scott
No, this is geological.
Phyllis Vance
I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me?
Phyllis Vance
No.
Michael Scott
And you guys are okay with this?
Dwight Schrute
She sent an email, so.
Phyllis Vance
I did.
Andy Bernard
(has two tissues in his nostrils) It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.
Michael Scott
Oh my God.

Scene 36

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Oh! You scared me!
Andy Bernard
I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.
Kelly Kapoor
I didn't see you. And you were there all along. (takes papers out of copy machine) Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.
Andy Bernard
Cool, thanks.
Kelly Kapoor
Bye, Andy. (kisses his cheek)
Andy Bernard
...That was weird.
Meredith Palmer
No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Andy Bernard
I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith Palmer
Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.

Scene 37

12 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Jim Halpert
Well, the grass is always greener.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.
Jim Halpert
Well, it's what you wanted.
Michael Scott
I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
Jim Halpert
For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.
Michael Scott
We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Jim Halpert
Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.
Michael Scott
Lethal Weapon?
Jim Halpert
That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.

Scene 38

8 lines
Jo Bennett
You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?
Michael Scott
What? What I'm saying...
Jim Halpert
Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly.
Michael Scott
And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? (dogs go to him) See? They love me.
Jo Bennett
Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Michael Scott
Alright!
Jo Bennett
(cell phone rings) Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.

Scene 39

10 lines
Andy Bernard
(Erin leaves room) Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: "Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way."
Phyllis Vance
You don't even like us as friends?
Andy Bernard
Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.
Oscar Martinez
What are we, five?
Andy Bernard
"Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog."
Kelly Kapoor
(entering with Erin) Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?
Andy Bernard
It's n-- that wasn't... I like someone else.
Kelly Kapoor
Who?
Andy Bernard
It's not... Whether or not, you...
Kelly Kapoor
Who, what?

Scene 40

1 line
Erin Hannon
Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?

Scene 41

4 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin Hannon
Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.
Michael Scott
Erin, what about my keyboard? (Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat) Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?
Erin Hannon
Oh! (hits another key, they awkwardly dance together)

Scene 42

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(gesturing to Michael dancing in his office) He looks happy.
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Dwight Schrute
Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he (Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles) what? Michael!

Scene 43

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(entering elevator with Ryan) I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.
Ryan Howard
Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.
Dwight Schrute
Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?
Ryan Howard
I would love to. (elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby) Why not?
Dwight Schrute
Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
Ryan Howard
Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.
Dwight Schrute
It is not "farm boy swill," I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.
Ryan Howard
I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!