Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Delivery

Vol. 6 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

You'll find every line from the episode where Pam and Jim finally become parents, though not without Pam trying to hold out for that midnight insurance deadline. The office gathers for a hilarious "Ultra Feast" and some truly strange distractions to keep Pam’s mind off the contractions. Whether you're looking for Michael’s hospital fumbles or Dwight’s kitchen destruction, the full script and best quotes are all here.

Scene 01

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(on the phone with a client) I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.
Dwight Schrute
Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.
Dwight Schrute
No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!
Pam Beesly
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Dwight Schrute
(on the phone with a client) Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Scene 03

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin Malone
I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam Beesly
Hmm.

Scene 04

1 line
Kevin Malone
Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

Scene 05

5 lines
Kevin Malone
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.
Pam Beesly
Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?
Kevin Malone
I think it should be a surprise.
Meredith Palmer
(After Pam has a contraction) Oh, getting there, huh?
Pam Beesly
No, no. I still have time.

Scene 06

5 lines
Pam Beesly
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam Beesly
If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim Halpert
Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam Beesly
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Scene 07

18 lines
Pam Beesly
Ooh.
Michael Scott
Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car...
Jim Halpert
Michael.
Michael Scott
Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim Halpert
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott
Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
Pam Beesly
You know the baby's not going to live here, right?
Michael Scott
Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Jim Halpert
Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.
Michael Scott
Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!
Pam Beesly
Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.
Erin Hannon
Ooh, spooky. But why?
Jim Halpert
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Pam Beesly
Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Nick
Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.
Michael Scott
Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
Angela Martin
(as Nick looks over at her) What are you looking at?
Dwight Schrute
Ha, nerd.

Scene 08

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Scene 09

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(with Angela in the break room) Bare my child.
Angela Martin
Excuse me?
Dwight Schrute
I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Scene 10

10 lines
Jim Halpert
(after Pam has another contraction) That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.
Pam Beesly
Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet.
Jim Halpert
Are you serious? Pam.
Pam Beesly
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
Jim Halpert
I... Pam, please.
Pam Beesly
I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.
Pam Beesly
Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.
Jim Halpert
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Pam Beesly
Five minutes apart.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

Scene 12

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, stop watching me.
Jim Halpert
Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?
Pam Beesly
Not until midnight.
Andy Bernard
Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
Erin Hannon
I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Andy Bernard
My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.
Jim Halpert
You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
Jim Halpert
(as Andy and Kevin shout "yeah!" in response to Michael) Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Pam Beesly
Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Michael Scott
Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. (Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.)

Scene 14

20 lines
Michael Scott
The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Andy Bernard
Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Michael Scott
I will allow that.
Andy Bernard
Yes! Can anyone do those?
Stanley Hudson
I'm going to go look at the Internet.
Jim Halpert
(as Pam has another contraction) Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one.
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thanks, Kelly.
Michael Scott
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Pam Beesly
Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Michael Scott
Yes, Phyl?
Phyllis Vance
I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
Michael Scott
( as Pam shakes her head) Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
Andy Bernard
I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Michael Scott
(as Pam gives the thumbs up) That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.
Andy Bernard
Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... (Pam begins to clap as Andy dances) You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.
Ryan Howard
(reading from a book as Kelly admires) "You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home."
Erin Hannon
(naming race horses) Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.

Scene 15

9 lines
Angela Martin
Good afternoon.
Dwight Schrute
Have a seat.
Angela Martin
What is this?
Dwight Schrute
Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela Martin
Of course.
Dwight Schrute
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
Angela Martin
You know I was thinking...
Dwight Schrute
Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: (speaking into a voice recorder) Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?
Angela Martin
Agreed.

Scene 16

27 lines
Michael Scott
(as Pam has another contraction) Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.
Kevin Malone
For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know...
Pam Beesly
Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times.
Michael Scott
Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Michael Scott
Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.
Erin Hannon
Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael Scott
Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin Malone
Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith Palmer
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael Scott
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Erin Hannon
Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Michael Scott
Okay, the opposite of that?
Kevin Malone
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Jim Halpert
Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now.
Pam Beesly
Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Pam Beesly
Why don't you go do some work?
Jim Halpert
Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.
Pam Beesly
I know, you don't like to be frazzled.
Jim Halpert
No, I don't.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.
Michael Scott
Ooh, someone's freakin'.
Andy Bernard
A little frazzled.
Michael Scott
I think he is.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. (reading from various books) Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.

Scene 18

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela Martin
Jedediah.
Dwight Schrute
Jonas.
Angela Martin
Jedediah.
Dwight Schrute
Warf.
Angela Martin
No Star Trek names.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Fine.
Angela Martin
What if it's a girl?
Dwight Schrute
Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela Martin
Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight Schrute
Yes you can.
Angela Martin
No.
Dwight Schrute
It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela Martin
Absolutely not.

Scene 19

19 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam approaches as he sits in his car) Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Jim Halpert
Ah, you know me too well.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Yeah? ... Oh.
Pam Beesly
Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Jim Halpert
Did you say "she?"
Pam Beesly
I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad.
Jim Halpert
Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Jim Halpert
Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better.
Pam Beesly
Good.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Alright... Hey, did you change?
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, my water broke.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Oh...

Scene 20

10 lines
Pam Beesly
(enters the office and has another contraction) Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow.
Michael Scott
Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?
Phyllis Vance
No, it's 4:35.
Michael Scott
4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
Pam Beesly
No, not yet, Michael.
Michael Scott
We can do...
Pam Beesly
Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?
Michael Scott
Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
Oscar Martinez
That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
Michael Scott
What is October feast?

Scene 21

1 line
Pam Beesly
There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there.

Scene 22

48 lines
Kevin Malone
Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Time to go. Okay.
Michael Scott
That's right, let's do this.
Jim Halpert
Let's give it a shot.
Pam Beesly
Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine.
Jim Halpert
Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly
They're not that bad still, babe.
Jim Halpert
Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly
No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay.
Jim Halpert
Come on, Michael says we should go now.
Michael Scott
Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out.
Pam Beesly
No, it's passing, it's fine.
Jim Halpert
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Ah, no, it passed. It's good.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly
Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. (Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up) Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it.
Jim Halpert
Hey, are you kidding me?
Michael Scott
Are you kidding?
Jim Halpert
If anyone can do this, you can do this.
Michael Scott
You can do this. You can do this.
Jim Halpert
Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared.
Michael Scott
I'm scared, too.
Kevin Malone
I'm petrified.
Jim Halpert
The best news is, we're going to have a baby today.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
A really awesome baby.
Michael Scott
We're going to have a baby.
Jim Halpert
So let's have it at the hospital.
Michael Scott
Let's do that.
Jim Halpert
How are we doing on contractions?
Michael Scott
Two minutes apart.
Jim Halpert
Two minutes...
Pam Beesly
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Jim Halpert
Michael, I told you.
Michael Scott
It's okay.
Jim Halpert
No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Pam Beesly
Jim, we waited too long!
Michael Scott
I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.
Jim Halpert
We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?
Michael Scott
We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?
Pam Beesly
I don't want to have my baby here.
Michael Scott
You're not going to. You know where you're going?
Pam Beesly
The hospital.
Michael Scott
Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?
Pam Beesly
A baby.
Michael Scott
Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.

Scene 23

23 lines
Michael Scott
I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.
Jim Halpert
Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually.
Michael Scott
No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it.
Jim Halpert
Alright, I have my wallet.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys?
Michael Scott
Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin Hannon
There's nothing in it.
Michael Scott
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar Martinez
The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!
Dwight Schrute
Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, get away!
Michael Scott
No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin Hannon
I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight Schrute
(as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it) "We" don't.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here.
Dwight & Jim & Michael
Here we go!
Phyllis Vance
Good luck!
Nick
Good luck, Pam!
Michael Scott
Thank you! Wish me luck!
Creed Bratton
Have fun! (sigh)
Meredith Palmer
Hey, it's 5:00!

Scene 24

5 lines
Michael Scott
(entering the elevator) Here we go! Here we go! On our way!
Stanley Hudson
Hold it!
Michael Scott
Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now!
Toby Flenderson
Oh, one more!
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot.

Scene 25

14 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Dwight Schrute
Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
Michael Scott
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
Let's go!
Michael Scott
Geesh, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
(as he peels out of the parking lot and stops) Michael!
Michael Scott
What!?
Dwight Schrute
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Michael Scott
Where?
Dwight Schrute
Right over by that fence.
Michael Scott
By the bushes?
Jim Halpert
Okay, Michael! Focus!
Michael Scott
Okay, go, go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute
Let's go!

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

Scene 27

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon.
Michael Scott
Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.
Pam Beesly
Michael!
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on.
Jim Halpert
Michael, come on!
Michael Scott
I'm texting about you, okay!?

Scene 28

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ugh, alright. (as he puts a police siren on top of his car) Let's move! ... What?
Policeman
Pull over!
Dwight Schrute
Are you kidding me?
Policeman
Pull over! (Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window) You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!

Scene 29

18 lines
Pam Beesly
Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
It has the birth song on it!
Jim Halpert
Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.
Pam Beesly
Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Jim Halpert
Okay, so what do you want to do?
Pam Beesly
I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital!
Jim Halpert
Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Michael Scott
Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. (as he calls Dwight) Ready?
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott
Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Dwight Schrute
Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...
Dwight Schrute
I don't need a key.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the...
Dwight Schrute
No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.
Pam Beesly
Dwight just listen! It's underneath... (Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket)

Scene 30

8 lines
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Wait, you alright?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Michael Scott
Do you have everything, guys?
Jim Halpert
Michael, just go park the car.
Michael Scott
Okay, alright. (he parks in an ambulance zone)
Hospital employee
Sir! You can't park here!
Michael Scott
Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. (he throws the keys into bushes across the street) I just did.

Scene 31

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.
Nurse
Daddy? She's ready to push.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.
Jim Halpert
(as Pam screams) Doing great, push again.
Doctor
Not yet.
Jim Halpert
No, don't push. Pull. Pull.
Nurse
Why don't you get more ice chips?
Pam Beesly
No, Jim, stay!
Doctor
Okay. Really push this time, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Michael Scott
(looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby) Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes.

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
That kid's going to have a lot of hair.

Scene 33

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith Palmer
She hasn't popped yet.
Andy Bernard
What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.

Scene 34

1 line
Andy Bernard
I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.

Scene 35

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
Michael Scott
I think it's going to be any minute now.
Phyllis Vance
But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Michael Scott
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
Phyllis Vance
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Michael Scott
Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright.

Scene 36

5 lines
Michael Scott
(Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room) Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
Pam Beesly
This is happening!
Michael Scott
You're starting, you're kinda losing them.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my God.

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
(smoking a cigar) Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Doctor
Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.
Michael Scott
Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.

Scene 38

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(with Jim, holding the baby) She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?
Jim Halpert
No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 39

7 lines
Michael Scott
Guys, guys!
Jim Halpert
Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Michael Scott
Eleven pounds...
Jim Halpert
She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.
Everyone
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Thank you! Thank you!
Oscar Martinez
Congratulations. That's great.

Scene 40

7 lines
Helene
Hi there.
Jim Halpert
Hey, grandma's back.
Helene
Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.
Jim Halpert
Great.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
Helene
Ooh, somebody has a full diaper.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Let me get it.

Scene 41

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.

Scene 42

16 lines
Michael Scott
Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
Helene
Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.
Helene
I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Helene
Love you.
Michael Scott
Love you, as a friend.
Pam Beesly
Love you, mom.
Michael Scott
Ooh, I want to hold the baby!
Pam Beesly
Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Pam Beesly
Again, no pants.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay.
Jim Halpert
Ready?
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.
Jim Halpert
It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.

Scene 43

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work (he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer).

Scene 44

10 lines
Michael Scott
There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.
Andy Bernard
This man has a gift!
Michael Scott
Who else here is single?
Kelly Kapoor
I'm not single. I have a man. (she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single)
Michael Scott
I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Stanley Hudson
Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Michael Scott
Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? (Stanley raises his hand) Who else? Come on! People, I know models!
Ryan Howard
Ha ha, plus size models, maybe.
Michael Scott
Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.
Meredith Palmer
You know it. I am never getting married.

Scene 45

1 line
Meredith Palmer
Like Clooney.

Scene 46

2 lines
Michael Scott
Andrew, what about you?
Andy Bernard
Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.

Scene 47

1 line
Andy Bernard
Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.

Scene 49

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?
Jim Halpert
We were just kids. What did we know?
Nurse
How we doing?
Jim Halpert
Great.
Pam Beesly
Good.
Nurse
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Pam Beesly
Doesn't she sleep here?
Nurse
She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot.
Jim Halpert
I think we'll be okay.
Nurse
Okay, great.
Pam Beesly
(as the baby yawns) Oh, big yawn.

Scene 50

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Ready? One, two, three...
Pam Beesly
One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down.
Jim Halpert
I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it.
Pam Beesly
She's not gonna... Just...
Jim Halpert
I got it. Alright.
Pam Beesly
Go.
Jim Halpert
Nurse!

Scene 51

24 lines
Jim Halpert
How you doing?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Pam Beesly
Doesn't feel right.
Jim Halpert
Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
Pam Beesly
How does one do that?
Jim Halpert
Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that.
Pam Beesly
Do you want to try it, Jim?
Jim Halpert
I think you're good. Doing a good job.
Nurse
Somebody buzzed?
Jim Halpert
Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
Pam Beesly
I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right.
Nurse
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Pam Beesly
Even if she's not getting anything?
Nurse
Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery.
Pam Beesly
No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Nurse
Oh, good. You know everything.
Pam Beesly
She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.
Nurse
Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Nurse
Alright.
Jim Halpert
It's going to be alright.
Pam Beesly
Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.
Jim Halpert
Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good.

Scene 52

22 lines
Erin Hannon
(in Michael's office) You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott
What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Erin Hannon
Oh, boy! ... What's that sound?
Kevin Malone
(as he appears from behind the door) Ta-da!
Michael Scott
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Erin Hannon
I don't know what to say.
Kevin Malone
Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Michael Scott
Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?
Kevin Malone
Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Michael Scott
Good!
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Erin Hannon
Michael, could I talk to you privately?
Michael Scott
Sure. Kevin, please leave.
Kevin Malone
Bye.
Michael Scott
Bye.
Erin Hannon
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Michael Scott
Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Erin Hannon
I'm sure he'll be fine.
Michael Scott
I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.
Erin Hannon
Really?

Scene 53

1 line
Michael Scott
No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though.

Scene 54

5 lines
Erin Hannon
I don't want anyone to die.
Michael Scott
Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him.
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Erin Hannon
Hi.
Kevin Malone
She touched my shoulder.

Scene 55

7 lines
Nurse
Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Jim Halpert
Oh, hi.
Kathy
Hi.
Dale
Hi, so sorry.
Jim Halpert
Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Jim Halpert
You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi.

Scene 56

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(Continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers)

Scene 57

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Did you grow up around here?
Kevin Malone
No.
Erin Hannon
So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin Malone
Yes.

Scene 58

1 line
Andy Bernard
Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous.

Scene 59

43 lines
Hospital employee
Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?
Pam Beesly
Yes?
Hospital employee
Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Pam Beesly
Um, yeah, that would be great.
Jim Halpert
Yup. Really great. When's she available?
Clark Green
Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with.
Pam Beesly
So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch...
Clark Green
I'll get that for you.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything.
Clark Green
Okay. Let me feel here.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Clark Green
Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Clark Green
When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?
Pam Beesly
No, I mean, it feels... pressure.
Clark Green
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Are you sure it doesn't hurt?
Pam Beesly
No. It just feels like pressure.
Clark Green
Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that?
Jim Halpert
Yup.
Clark Green
Stimulate it.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Clark Green
Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh...
Jim Halpert
Perfect.
Clark Green
And you can just... The baby should grab on to that.
Jim Halpert
I think she will.
Pam Beesly
Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...
Jim Halpert
We'll figure it out.
Clark Green
It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Aw, thank you.
Clark Green
Yes, congratulations.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Clark Green
Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Please do.
Pam Beesly
Oh, shoot.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Shoot, she fell off.
Jim Halpert
Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing.
Pam Beesly
Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?
Jim Halpert
No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Pam Beesly
Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I'll just go get the other guy.

Scene 60

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on the phone) Hey, what's up, kid?
Angela Martin
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?
Dwight Schrute
Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
Angela Martin
I look forward to it.
Dwight Schrute
Very well.
Angela Martin
Goodbye.

Scene 61

12 lines
Pam Beesly
(trying to sleep as the baby cries) Jim, Jim, get her.
Jim Halpert
Hmm?
Pam Beesly
Get the baby. Get her. Come on.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Sshh. I know. (hands the baby to Pam)
Pam Beesly
I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched.
Jim Halpert
That's amazing.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the "C thing."
Jim Halpert
That's awesome.
Pam Beesly
Aw, we're doing it.
Jim Halpert
that's great.
Pam Beesly
We're really parents now.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.

Scene 62

25 lines
Michael Scott
Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Kevin Malone
Hi.
Erin Hannon
I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, me too.
Erin Hannon
I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin Malone
Really, really fun.
Erin Hannon
Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, me too.
Erin Hannon
And, you're my friend.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe...
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin Malone
You said she liked me.
Michael Scott
Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
Kevin Malone
I've dumped better than Erin.
Michael Scott
No.
Kevin Malone
Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Michael Scott
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.
Michael Scott
This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy?
Andy Bernard
(he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant) Ow.
Michael Scott
Kev... Nice. Going.
Erin Hannon
Well...

Scene 63

26 lines
Isabelle
Knock knock.
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, Isabelle.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Isabelle
Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?
Pam Beesly
Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby!
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my gosh.
Kathy
(waking up) Oh,has she been fussing long?
Pam Beesly
No, not at all.
Jim Halpert
Perfect.
Kathy
I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry...
Nurse
How's it going?
Pam Beesly
Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di...
Jim Halpert
Ha ha ha.
Nurse
Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?
Jim Halpert
We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?
Nurse
Yeah, you can. It's 2:35.
Jim Halpert
Half hour.
Nurse
Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?
Jim Halpert
Yes, car seat's right there.
Nurse
That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Jim Halpert
Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Nurse
Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.
Jim Halpert
Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me.

Scene 64

13 lines
Isabelle
(entering the Halpert house) Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute
Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...
Isabelle
Wow, ha. New cabinets.
Dwight Schrute
Yup.
Isabelle
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this.
Isabelle
Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.
Isabelle
Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Dwight Schrute
Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.
Isabelle
Yeah...
Dwight Schrute
Alright. I'll call you, kid.
Isabelle
Do that.

Scene 65

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Are you really sure we should be leaving?
Hospital employee
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
But you hear the baby crying, right?
Hospital employee
Mm-hmm... Where's your car?
Jim Halpert
Uh, it's in the lot.
Hospital employee
Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around.
Jim Halpert
Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Pam Beesly
Okay, please hurry.

Scene 66

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin Hannon
Okay, good.

Scene 67

1 line
Andy Bernard
The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.

Scene 68

15 lines
Erin Hannon
It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy Bernard
Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin Hannon
(tearing up) You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy Bernard
Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin Hannon
You read the fax.
Andy Bernard
I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin Hannon
Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy Bernard
So, it's a date.
Erin Hannon
Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin Hannon
Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy Bernard
Well, that, what's that one?
Erin Hannon
Thursday?
Andy Bernard
Okay. Let's do it.
Erin Hannon
Okay.

Scene 69

8 lines
Hospital employee
Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Hospital employee
Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today.
Pam Beesly
Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it.
Jim Halpert
Five tickets on the windshield... Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hi. We did it.
Jim Halpert
You used my move, didn't you?
Pam Beesly
I used a variation of your move.

Scene 70

1 line
Michael Scott
(smoking a cigar) There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick...

Scene 71

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Two forms of ID, please.
Angela Martin
And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it?
Dwight Schrute
Nothing.
Angela Martin
Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Dwight Schrute
Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... (Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby) I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair.