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Season 6 Episode 16
The Delivery

Every line from The Office episode "The Delivery", season 6 episode 16.

Pam Beesly: (on the phone with a client) I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.
Dwight Schrute: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!
Pam Beesly: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Dwight Schrute: (on the phone with a client) Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin Malone: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam Beesly: Hmm.
Kevin Malone: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.
Kevin Malone: I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.
Pam Beesly: Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?
Kevin Malone: I think it should be a surprise.
Meredith Palmer: (After Pam has a contraction) Oh, getting there, huh?
Pam Beesly: No, no. I still have time.
Pam Beesly: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam Beesly: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim Halpert: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam Beesly: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Pam Beesly: Ooh.
Michael Scott: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car...
Jim Halpert: Michael.
Michael Scott: Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim Halpert: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael Scott: Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
Pam Beesly: You know the baby's not going to live here, right?
Michael Scott: Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Jim Halpert: Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.
Michael Scott: Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!
Pam Beesly: Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.
Erin Hannon: Ooh, spooky. But why?
Jim Halpert: Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Pam Beesly: Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Nick: Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.
Michael Scott: Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
Angela Martin: (as Nick looks over at her) What are you looking at?
Dwight Schrute: Ha, nerd.
Kelly Kapoor: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.
Dwight Schrute: (with Angela in the break room) Bare my child.
Angela Martin: Excuse me?
Dwight Schrute: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
Jim Halpert: (after Pam has another contraction) That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.
Pam Beesly: Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet.
Jim Halpert: Are you serious? Pam.
Pam Beesly: No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
Jim Halpert: I... Pam, please.
Pam Beesly: I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.
Pam Beesly: Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.
Jim Halpert: Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Pam Beesly: Five minutes apart.
Jim Halpert: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Pam Beesly: Okay, stop watching me.
Jim Halpert: Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?
Pam Beesly: Not until midnight.
Andy Bernard: Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
Erin Hannon: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Andy Bernard: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.
Jim Halpert: You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
Jim Halpert: (as Andy and Kevin shout "yeah!" in response to Michael) Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Pam Beesly: Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Michael Scott: Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!
Michael Scott: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. (Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.)
Michael Scott: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Andy Bernard: Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Michael Scott: I will allow that.
Andy Bernard: Yes! Can anyone do those?
Stanley Hudson: I'm going to go look at the Internet.
Jim Halpert: (as Pam has another contraction) Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one.
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thanks, Kelly.
Michael Scott: Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Pam Beesly: Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Michael Scott: Yes, Phyl?
Phyllis Vance: I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
Michael Scott: ( as Pam shakes her head) Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
Andy Bernard: I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Michael Scott: (as Pam gives the thumbs up) That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.
Andy Bernard: Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... (Pam begins to clap as Andy dances) You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.
Ryan Howard: (reading from a book as Kelly admires) "You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home."
Erin Hannon: (naming race horses) Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.
Angela Martin: Good afternoon.
Dwight Schrute: Have a seat.
Angela Martin: What is this?
Dwight Schrute: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela Martin: Of course.
Dwight Schrute: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
Angela Martin: You know I was thinking...
Dwight Schrute: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: (speaking into a voice recorder) Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?
Angela Martin: Agreed.
Michael Scott: (as Pam has another contraction) Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.
Kevin Malone: For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know...
Pam Beesly: Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times.
Michael Scott: Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Michael Scott: Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.
Erin Hannon: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael Scott: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin Malone: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith Palmer: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Erin Hannon: Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Michael Scott: Okay, the opposite of that?
Kevin Malone: Stick spicy food up her butt.
Jim Halpert: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now.
Pam Beesly: Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Pam Beesly: Why don't you go do some work?
Jim Halpert: Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.
Pam Beesly: I know, you don't like to be frazzled.
Jim Halpert: No, I don't.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.
Michael Scott: Ooh, someone's freakin'.
Andy Bernard: A little frazzled.
Michael Scott: I think he is.
Jim Halpert: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. (reading from various books) Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.
Dwight Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela Martin: Jedediah.
Dwight Schrute: Jonas.
Angela Martin: Jedediah.
Dwight Schrute: Warf.
Angela Martin: No Star Trek names.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela Martin: What if it's a girl?
Dwight Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela Martin: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela Martin: Absolutely not.
Jim Halpert: (Pam approaches as he sits in his car) Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Jim Halpert: Ah, you know me too well.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Yeah? ... Oh.
Pam Beesly: Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did you say "she?"
Pam Beesly: I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad.
Jim Halpert: Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man.
Pam Beesly: I know.
Jim Halpert: Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better.
Pam Beesly: Good.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Alright... Hey, did you change?
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, my water broke.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Oh...
Pam Beesly: (enters the office and has another contraction) Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow.
Michael Scott: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?
Phyllis Vance: No, it's 4:35.
Michael Scott: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
Pam Beesly: No, not yet, Michael.
Michael Scott: We can do...
Pam Beesly: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?
Michael Scott: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
Oscar Martinez: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
Michael Scott: What is October feast?
Pam Beesly: There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Kevin Malone: Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay?
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Time to go. Okay.
Michael Scott: That's right, let's do this.
Jim Halpert: Let's give it a shot.
Pam Beesly: Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine.
Jim Halpert: Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly: They're not that bad still, babe.
Jim Halpert: Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly: No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay.
Jim Halpert: Come on, Michael says we should go now.
Michael Scott: Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out.
Pam Beesly: No, it's passing, it's fine.
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Ah, no, it passed. It's good.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly: Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. (Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up) Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it.
Jim Halpert: Hey, are you kidding me?
Michael Scott: Are you kidding?
Jim Halpert: If anyone can do this, you can do this.
Michael Scott: You can do this. You can do this.
Jim Halpert: Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared.
Michael Scott: I'm scared, too.
Kevin Malone: I'm petrified.
Jim Halpert: The best news is, we're going to have a baby today.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: A really awesome baby.
Michael Scott: We're going to have a baby.
Jim Halpert: So let's have it at the hospital.
Michael Scott: Let's do that.
Jim Halpert: How are we doing on contractions?
Michael Scott: Two minutes apart.
Jim Halpert: Two minutes...
Pam Beesly: Oh, God. Oh, no.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I told you.
Michael Scott: It's okay.
Jim Halpert: No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Pam Beesly: Jim, we waited too long!
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.
Jim Halpert: We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?
Michael Scott: We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?
Pam Beesly: I don't want to have my baby here.
Michael Scott: You're not going to. You know where you're going?
Pam Beesly: The hospital.
Michael Scott: Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?
Pam Beesly: A baby.
Michael Scott: Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.
Michael Scott: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.
Jim Halpert: Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually.
Michael Scott: No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it.
Jim Halpert: Alright, I have my wallet.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys?
Michael Scott: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin Hannon: There's nothing in it.
Michael Scott: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar Martinez: The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!
Dwight Schrute: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam Beesly: Dwight, get away!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin Hannon: I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight Schrute: (as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it) "We" don't.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here.
Dwight & Jim & Michael: Here we go!
Phyllis Vance: Good luck!
Nick: Good luck, Pam!
Michael Scott: Thank you! Wish me luck!
Creed Bratton: Have fun! (sigh)
Meredith Palmer: Hey, it's 5:00!
Michael Scott: (entering the elevator) Here we go! Here we go! On our way!
Stanley Hudson: Hold it!
Michael Scott: Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now!
Toby Flenderson: Oh, one more!
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot.
Michael Scott: Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Dwight Schrute: Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go!
Michael Scott: Geesh, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: (as he peels out of the parking lot and stops) Michael!
Michael Scott: What!?
Dwight Schrute: This is where I saw that deer last week.
Michael Scott: Where?
Dwight Schrute: Right over by that fence.
Michael Scott: By the bushes?
Jim Halpert: Okay, Michael! Focus!
Michael Scott: Okay, go, go, go, go!
Dwight Schrute: Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.
Jim Halpert: Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon.
Michael Scott: Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.
Pam Beesly: Michael!
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on.
Jim Halpert: Michael, come on!
Michael Scott: I'm texting about you, okay!?
Dwight Schrute: Ugh, alright. (as he puts a police siren on top of his car) Let's move! ... What?
Policeman: Pull over!
Dwight Schrute: Are you kidding me?
Policeman: Pull over! (Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window) You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!
Pam Beesly: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesly: It has the birth song on it!
Jim Halpert: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.
Pam Beesly: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so what do you want to do?
Pam Beesly: I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital!
Jim Halpert: Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Michael Scott: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. (as he calls Dwight) Ready?
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute.
Michael Scott: Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Dwight Schrute: Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...
Dwight Schrute: I don't need a key.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the...
Dwight Schrute: No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.
Pam Beesly: Dwight just listen! It's underneath... (Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket)
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Wait, you alright?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Michael Scott: Do you have everything, guys?
Jim Halpert: Michael, just go park the car.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright. (he parks in an ambulance zone)
Hospital employee: Sir! You can't park here!
Michael Scott: Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. (he throws the keys into bushes across the street) I just did.
Jim Halpert: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.
Nurse: Daddy? She's ready to push.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.
Jim Halpert: (as Pam screams) Doing great, push again.
Doctor: Not yet.
Jim Halpert: No, don't push. Pull. Pull.
Nurse: Why don't you get more ice chips?
Pam Beesly: No, Jim, stay!
Doctor: Okay. Really push this time, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Michael Scott: (looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby) Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes.
Michael Scott: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.
Andy Bernard: Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith Palmer: She hasn't popped yet.
Andy Bernard: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
Andy Bernard: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.
Phyllis Vance: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
Michael Scott: I think it's going to be any minute now.
Phyllis Vance: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
Phyllis Vance: I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright.
Michael Scott: (Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room) Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
Pam Beesly: This is happening!
Michael Scott: You're starting, you're kinda losing them.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: (smoking a cigar) Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.
Michael Scott: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.
Pam Beesly: (with Jim, holding the baby) She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?
Jim Halpert: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Michael Scott: Guys, guys!
Jim Halpert: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Michael Scott: Eleven pounds...
Jim Halpert: She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.
Everyone: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Thank you! Thank you!
Oscar Martinez: Congratulations. That's great.
Helene: Hi there.
Jim Halpert: Hey, grandma's back.
Helene: Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.
Jim Halpert: Great.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
Helene: Ooh, somebody has a full diaper.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Let me get it.
Jim Halpert: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.
Michael Scott: Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
Helene: Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.
Helene: I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Helene: Love you.
Michael Scott: Love you, as a friend.
Pam Beesly: Love you, mom.
Michael Scott: Ooh, I want to hold the baby!
Pam Beesly: Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Pam Beesly: Again, no pants.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Jim Halpert: Ready?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.
Jim Halpert: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.
Dwight Schrute: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work (he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer).
Michael Scott: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.
Andy Bernard: This man has a gift!
Michael Scott: Who else here is single?
Kelly Kapoor: I'm not single. I have a man. (she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single)
Michael Scott: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Stanley Hudson: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Michael Scott: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? (Stanley raises his hand) Who else? Come on! People, I know models!
Ryan Howard: Ha ha, plus size models, maybe.
Michael Scott: Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.
Meredith Palmer: You know it. I am never getting married.
Meredith Palmer: Like Clooney.
Michael Scott: Andrew, what about you?
Andy Bernard: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.
Andy Bernard: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Michael Scott: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Pam Beesly: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?
Jim Halpert: We were just kids. What did we know?
Nurse: How we doing?
Jim Halpert: Great.
Pam Beesly: Good.
Nurse: Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Pam Beesly: Doesn't she sleep here?
Nurse: She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot.
Jim Halpert: I think we'll be okay.
Nurse: Okay, great.
Pam Beesly: (as the baby yawns) Oh, big yawn.
Jim Halpert: Ready? One, two, three...
Pam Beesly: One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down.
Jim Halpert: I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it.
Pam Beesly: She's not gonna... Just...
Jim Halpert: I got it. Alright.
Pam Beesly: Go.
Jim Halpert: Nurse!
Jim Halpert: How you doing?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: Doesn't feel right.
Jim Halpert: Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
Pam Beesly: How does one do that?
Jim Halpert: Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that.
Pam Beesly: Do you want to try it, Jim?
Jim Halpert: I think you're good. Doing a good job.
Nurse: Somebody buzzed?
Jim Halpert: Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
Pam Beesly: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right.
Nurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Pam Beesly: Even if she's not getting anything?
Nurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery.
Pam Beesly: No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Nurse: Oh, good. You know everything.
Pam Beesly: She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.
Nurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Nurse: Alright.
Jim Halpert: It's going to be alright.
Pam Beesly: Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.
Jim Halpert: Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good.
Erin Hannon: (in Michael's office) You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Erin Hannon: Oh, boy! ... What's that sound?
Kevin Malone: (as he appears from behind the door) Ta-da!
Michael Scott: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Erin Hannon: I don't know what to say.
Kevin Malone: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Michael Scott: Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?
Kevin Malone: Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Erin Hannon: Okay.
Michael Scott: Good!
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Erin Hannon: Michael, could I talk to you privately?
Michael Scott: Sure. Kevin, please leave.
Kevin Malone: Bye.
Michael Scott: Bye.
Erin Hannon: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Michael Scott: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Erin Hannon: I'm sure he'll be fine.
Michael Scott: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.
Erin Hannon: Really?
Michael Scott: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
Erin Hannon: I don't want anyone to die.
Michael Scott: Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him.
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Erin Hannon: Hi.
Kevin Malone: She touched my shoulder.
Nurse: Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, hi.
Kathy: Hi.
Dale: Hi, so sorry.
Jim Halpert: Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
Pam Beesly: I know.
Jim Halpert: You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi.
Dwight Schrute: (Continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers)
Erin Hannon: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin Malone: No.
Erin Hannon: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin Malone: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous.
Hospital employee: Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?
Pam Beesly: Yes?
Hospital employee: Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Pam Beesly: Um, yeah, that would be great.
Jim Halpert: Yup. Really great. When's she available?
Clark Green: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with.
Pam Beesly: So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch...
Clark Green: I'll get that for you.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything.
Clark Green: Okay. Let me feel here.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Clark Green: Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Clark Green: When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?
Pam Beesly: No, I mean, it feels... pressure.
Clark Green: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Are you sure it doesn't hurt?
Pam Beesly: No. It just feels like pressure.
Clark Green: Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that?
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Clark Green: Stimulate it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Clark Green: Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh...
Jim Halpert: Perfect.
Clark Green: And you can just... The baby should grab on to that.
Jim Halpert: I think she will.
Pam Beesly: Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...
Jim Halpert: We'll figure it out.
Clark Green: It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Aw, thank you.
Clark Green: Yes, congratulations.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Clark Green: Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Please do.
Pam Beesly: Oh, shoot.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Shoot, she fell off.
Jim Halpert: Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing.
Pam Beesly: Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?
Jim Halpert: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Pam Beesly: Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'll just go get the other guy.
Dwight Schrute: (on the phone) Hey, what's up, kid?
Angela Martin: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?
Dwight Schrute: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
Angela Martin: I look forward to it.
Dwight Schrute: Very well.
Angela Martin: Goodbye.
Pam Beesly: (trying to sleep as the baby cries) Jim, Jim, get her.
Jim Halpert: Hmm?
Pam Beesly: Get the baby. Get her. Come on.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Sshh. I know. (hands the baby to Pam)
Pam Beesly: I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched.
Jim Halpert: That's amazing.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the "C thing."
Jim Halpert: That's awesome.
Pam Beesly: Aw, we're doing it.
Jim Halpert: that's great.
Pam Beesly: We're really parents now.
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin Hannon: Hey.
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Erin Hannon: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, me too.
Erin Hannon: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin Malone: Really, really fun.
Erin Hannon: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, me too.
Erin Hannon: And, you're my friend.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Erin Hannon: And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe...
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin Malone: You said she liked me.
Michael Scott: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
Kevin Malone: I've dumped better than Erin.
Michael Scott: No.
Kevin Malone: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Michael Scott: Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.
Michael Scott: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy?
Andy Bernard: (he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant) Ow.
Michael Scott: Kev... Nice. Going.
Erin Hannon: Well...
Isabelle: Knock knock.
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, Isabelle.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Isabelle: Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?
Pam Beesly: Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby!
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my gosh.
Kathy: (waking up) Oh,has she been fussing long?
Pam Beesly: No, not at all.
Jim Halpert: Perfect.
Kathy: I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry...
Nurse: How's it going?
Pam Beesly: Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di...
Jim Halpert: Ha ha ha.
Nurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?
Jim Halpert: We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?
Nurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35.
Jim Halpert: Half hour.
Nurse: Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?
Jim Halpert: Yes, car seat's right there.
Nurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Jim Halpert: Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Nurse: Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.
Jim Halpert: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me.
Isabelle: (entering the Halpert house) Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute: Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...
Isabelle: Wow, ha. New cabinets.
Dwight Schrute: Yup.
Isabelle: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this.
Isabelle: Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.
Isabelle: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Dwight Schrute: Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.
Isabelle: Yeah...
Dwight Schrute: Alright. I'll call you, kid.
Isabelle: Do that.
Jim Halpert: Are you really sure we should be leaving?
Hospital employee: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: But you hear the baby crying, right?
Hospital employee: Mm-hmm... Where's your car?
Jim Halpert: Uh, it's in the lot.
Hospital employee: Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around.
Jim Halpert: Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Pam Beesly: Okay, please hurry.
Andy Bernard: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin Hannon: Okay, good.
Andy Bernard: The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.
Erin Hannon: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy Bernard: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin Hannon: (tearing up) You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy Bernard: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin Hannon: You read the fax.
Andy Bernard: I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin Hannon: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy Bernard: So, it's a date.
Erin Hannon: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin Hannon: Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy Bernard: Well, that, what's that one?
Erin Hannon: Thursday?
Andy Bernard: Okay. Let's do it.
Erin Hannon: Okay.
Hospital employee: Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Hospital employee: Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today.
Pam Beesly: Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it.
Jim Halpert: Five tickets on the windshield... Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hi. We did it.
Jim Halpert: You used my move, didn't you?
Pam Beesly: I used a variation of your move.
Michael Scott: (smoking a cigar) There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick...
Dwight Schrute: Two forms of ID, please.
Angela Martin: And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it?
Dwight Schrute: Nothing.
Angela Martin: Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Dwight Schrute: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... (Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby) I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 6. The Delivery is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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