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Season 6 Episode 17
St. Patrick's Day

Every line from The Office episode "St. Patrick's Day", season 6 episode 17.

Michael Scott: Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! (Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket) Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us?
Ryan Howard: Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups.
Kelly Kapoor: Well why don't you invite your friends?
Ryan Howard: Why are you being so weird about this?
Meredith Palmer: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Ryan Howard: Why no kids?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, where are your kids?
Meredith Palmer: Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!
Michael Scott: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Erin Hannon: Welcome back, "Dad!"
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank you!
Phyllis Vance: Hey!
Stanley Hudson: Hey!
Andy Bernard: Welcome back Tuna!
Jim Halpert: Hey... (reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk)
Dwight Schrute: Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks.
Jim Halpert: What do we got here?
Dwight Schrute: Mega-Desk.
Jim Halpert: Of course.
Dwight Schrute: Command central.
Jim Halpert: Hm hm.
Dwight Schrute: Surveillance, gaming- and business.
Jim Halpert: Okay. (Pulls desks apart) Just gotta...
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Come on! Jim!
Dwight Schrute: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.
Jo Bennett: Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling!
Jim Halpert: Morning!
Jo Bennett: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something.
Jo Bennett: Oh good morning sweetheart.
Michael Scott: Morning, honey-pile.
Jo Bennett: I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?
Michael Scott: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Jo Bennett: (pulls out glass cube with coal.) Is that a lump of coal?
Michael Scott: Yes it is!
Jo Bennett: Have I been that naughty?
Michael Scott: No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.
Jo Bennett: Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.
Michael Scott: Mm, that sounds great, actually.
Jo Bennett: Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay.
Michael Scott: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!
Andy Bernard: Erin go braugh!
Erin Hannon: Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!
Andy Bernard: Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.
Andy Bernard: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to "How I Met Your Mother" that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.
Jim Halpert: No. (re-enters bullpen from kitchen.)
Dwight Schrute: Great.
Jim Halpert: No.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. (hangs up phone)
Jim Halpert: No-no-no-no-no.
Dwight Schrute: Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?
Jim Halpert: (swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork) Is this yours or mine?
Dwight Schrute: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Jim Halpert: Good Lord! (Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop) I can't believe I'm missing this.
Pam Beesly: It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. (hangs up phone)
Dwight Schrute: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?
Jim Halpert: It is. Big time.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.
Jim Halpert: Pretty amazing.
Dwight Schrute: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.
Jim Halpert: Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Dwight Schrute: I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Jim Halpert: Is that what happened to you?
Dwight Schrute: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.
Jim Halpert: That's a common mistake.
Dwight Schrute: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.
Angela Martin: Hey! (Erin sneezing at desk) Are you sick?
Erin Hannon: Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela Martin: In your nose?
Erin Hannon: Yes. (Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on)
Erin Hannon: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six.
Jo Bennett: Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like.
Michael Scott: That is a great idea JB.
Jo Bennett: Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Kevin Malone: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap.
Jo Bennett: You know it doesn't have to be an invention.
Oscar Martinez: I have a question.
Michael Scott: Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Oscar Martinez: In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?
Jo Bennett: I am so proud of Sabre's "Print In All Colors" initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. (Kelly applauds) Daryl?
Michael Scott: Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...
Jo Bennett: Okay hush now.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in.
Jo Bennett: But you wouldn't need more trucks?
Darryl Philbin: Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.
Jo Bennett: Oh look at you.
Michael Scott: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Jo Bennett: (Looks over his proposal) I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?
Darryl Philbin: Are you serious?
Jo Bennett: Yeah. Take Jim's old office.
Gabe Lewis: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
Jo Bennett: Yeah, I want to hear more from you.
Darryl Philbin: Absolutely.
Jo Bennett: All right.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you.
Jo Bennett: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!
Michael Scott: Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!
Jo Bennett: Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away.
Michael Scott: Well, I am heading down there.
Jo Bennett: Well, anytime now.
Michael Scott: How about July 4th weekend? (Reveals paper ticket)
Jo Bennett: Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?
Michael Scott: I did!
Jo Bennett: Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?
Michael Scott: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -
Jo Bennett: Enough!
Michael Scott: All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on.
Michael Scott: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm.
Darryl Philbin: (singing) Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky...
Michael Scott: Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.
Jo Bennett: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
Michael Scott: No is not an option.
Jo Bennett: Yes it is.
Michael Scott: All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Jo Bennett: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?
Michael Scott: (laughs) I'll be over there.
Jim Halpert: And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
Dwight Schrute: (Whispers) Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: My headphones are broken.
Jim Halpert: Right.
Dwight Schrute: Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Jim Halpert: Yeah that's great. Great.
Dwight Schrute: Okay? (Unplugs cord, sings) "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-"
Jim Halpert: (Overlapping) When's the last time you upgraded your printer?
D: "- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-"
Jim Halpert: (Whispers) Please stop that!
Dwight Schrute: "-But we'll be together then-"
Jim Halpert: Can you grow up?
Dwight Schrute: "-Dad, you know we'll have a good time then."
Jim Halpert: (Turns off Dwight's music) Whether it's this time or next time.
Andy Bernard: (Vocalizes and continues song) "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon"
Jim Halpert: (On business call) Yeah.
Andy & Dwight: (Singing, Dwight supplies beats) "Little boy blue and the man in the moon."
Jim Halpert: No, we definitely can talk about it in the next--
Andy & Dwight: "When you coming home Dad?
Jim Halpert: You know, can I call you back?
Andy & Dwight: "I don't know when-"
Jim Halpert: That would be great, thank you.
Andy & Dwight: "But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-"
Jim Halpert: (On phone in hallway) No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home.
Jim Halpert: I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.
Erin Hannon: This fax came for you. (Coughs)
Jo Bennett: Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?
Erin Hannon: Uh...
Jo Bennett: Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.
Erin Hannon: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.
Jo Bennett: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay?
Erin Hannon: Well... (Jo closes door on her)
Andy Bernard: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?
Jo Bennett: Yes?
Andy Bernard: I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. (Turns feint)
Jo Bennett: Oh! You're sick! (Andy coughs) Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
Andy Bernard: No, no, no, no, no.
Jo Bennett: Get everybody sick in the office.
Andy Bernard: I have some good ideas...
Jo Bennett: We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now.
Andy Bernard: You sure?
Jo Bennett: You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.
Michael Scott: Very nice.
Darryl Philbin: Not bad, huh?
Michael Scott: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Darryl Philbin: I impressed her with my good ideas.
Michael Scott: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?
Darryl Philbin: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Michael Scott: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?
Darryl Philbin: Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television.
Michael Scott: Okay. All right.
Jo Bennett: Hey there.
Michael Scott: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Jo Bennett: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.
Michael Scott: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.
Jo Bennett: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...
Michael Scott: Right. What?
Jo Bennett: Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.
Michael Scott: Mm. mm. Oh well.
Jo Bennett: Anything else I can help you with?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. (Exits, closes door, takes off coat.) Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Kevin Malone: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.
Michael Scott: Hey Pack-man.
Todd Packer: Hey what's up, Butt-plug?
Michael Scott: How you doing stud? You already there?
Todd Packer: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.
Michael Scott: How's the lady situation?
Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Michael Scott: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Todd Packer: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!
Michael Scott: Yeah. Maybe next year.
Todd Packer: Maybe next "queer." Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?
Erin Hannon: (Opens door, surprised) Oh! Andy!
Andy Bernard: Hi!
Erin Hannon: I'm in my jammy-jams!
Andy Bernard: That's okay, I'm in my "worky-works." You look amazing!
Erin Hannon: Oh, thanks. Come in!
Meredith Palmer: Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
Kevin Malone: Oh I'm in.
Oscar Martinez: I'm in.
Meredith Palmer: All right. (The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.)
Jo Bennett: Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. (Scoffs) You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!
Dwight Schrute: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. (Jim is silent) No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. (Whistles "Cat's in the Cradle" song)
Dwight Schrute: Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening (phone rings) I have...
Jo Bennett: Hello?
Jim Halpert: Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay.
Jo Bennett: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
Jim Halpert: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!
Jo Bennett: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Jo Bennett: Sorry Sugar. What'd you want?
Dwight Schrute: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.
Jo Bennett: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: (pops back into Jo's doorway) Thanks again by the way.
Darryl Philbin: Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?
Warehouse guy 1: We're here to bust you out!
Darryl Philbin: I wish, but uh-
Warehouse guy 1: Dude! Your shirt tucked in?
Darryl Philbin: Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it.
Warehouse guy 1: All right.
Warehouse guy 2: See you later.
Erin Hannon: Your hand's cold.
Andy Bernard: It is? I'm sorry.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, have some more blanket.
Andy Bernard: Okay, thanks.
Reid: What's up?
Andy Bernard: Whoa!
Erin Hannon: You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid.
Andy Bernard: I didn't know you had a brother.
Erin Hannon: He's my foster brother.
Andy Bernard: Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. (They shake hands)
Reid: Cold hands. (Takes spot next to Erin on love seat)
Andy Bernard: Are we rotating seats, or?
Reid: Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet.
Erin Hannon: Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! (puts her feet in his face)
Reid: Ooh! (Erin giggles)
Andy Bernard: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?
Erin Hannon: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.
Andy Bernard: All right. Formative years. (She laughs)
Reid: Nice skirt.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, it's a kilt.
Night cleaning crew: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. (They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.)
Angela Martin: Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.
Jo Bennett: Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.
Michael Scott: How late do we have to work tonight?
Gabe Lewis: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe Lewis: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! (Laughs)
Michael Scott: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing.
Michael Scott: Hello Jo.
Jo Bennett: Anything I can do for you Puddin'?
Michael Scott: There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
Jo Bennett: Hmm.
Michael Scott: I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around.
Jo Bennett: All right then.
Michael Scott: Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. (Starts to leave office) And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Jo Bennett: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jo Bennett: I look forward to that too.
Andy Bernard: Ooh. It's coming down out there.
Erin Hannon: Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here.
Andy Bernard: No, I-
Erin Hannon: I'm so sorry I was so sick. (Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.)
Andy Bernard: Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. (They both laugh)
Michael Scott: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!
Meredith & Creed & Oscar & Matt: (cheering Michael)
Michael Scott: Drinks are on me!
Oscar Martinez: No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us!
Michael Scott: Oh -hoh! All right.
Michael Scott: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy."
Todd Packer: Whoops! (Humps Michael)
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. (Meredith joins behind Packer) What the hell is going on back there?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. (Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: What the hell is this?
Jim Halpert: Oh!
Dwight Schrute: This is not Mega-Desk.
Jim Halpert: No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? (Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk)
Dwight Schrute: Hello, Dwight Schrute?

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