Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

St. Patrick's Day

Vol. 6 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

It is the closest the Irish ever get to Christmas in Scranton, but Jo Bennett is keeping everyone late for a little extra work. Every line from the episode is right here, from the rise and fall of Dwight's Mega-Desk to Michael's awkward attempts to impress his new boss. Whether you are looking for Andy and Erin's first date or Jim's Quad-Desk prank, the full dialogue has you covered.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! (Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket) Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.

Scene 02

8 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us?
Ryan Howard
Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups.
Kelly Kapoor
Well why don't you invite your friends?
Ryan Howard
Why are you being so weird about this?
Meredith Palmer
Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Ryan Howard
Why no kids?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, where are your kids?
Meredith Palmer
Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Scene 04

15 lines
Erin Hannon
Welcome back, "Dad!"
Jim Halpert
Oh, thank you!
Phyllis Vance
Hey!
Stanley Hudson
Hey!
Andy Bernard
Welcome back Tuna!
Jim Halpert
Hey... (reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk)
Dwight Schrute
Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks.
Jim Halpert
What do we got here?
Dwight Schrute
Mega-Desk.
Jim Halpert
Of course.
Dwight Schrute
Command central.
Jim Halpert
Hm hm.
Dwight Schrute
Surveillance, gaming- and business.
Jim Halpert
Okay. (Pulls desks apart) Just gotta...
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Come on! Jim!

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.

Scene 06

2 lines
Jo Bennett
Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling!
Jim Halpert
Morning!

Scene 07

1 line
Jo Bennett
Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something.

Scene 08

11 lines
Jo Bennett
Oh good morning sweetheart.
Michael Scott
Morning, honey-pile.
Jo Bennett
I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?
Michael Scott
It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Jo Bennett
(pulls out glass cube with coal.) Is that a lump of coal?
Michael Scott
Yes it is!
Jo Bennett
Have I been that naughty?
Michael Scott
No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.
Jo Bennett
Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.
Michael Scott
Mm, that sounds great, actually.
Jo Bennett
Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!

Scene 10

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin go braugh!
Erin Hannon
Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!
Andy Bernard
Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.

Scene 11

1 line
Andy Bernard
Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to "How I Met Your Mother" that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.

Scene 12

7 lines
Jim Halpert
No. (re-enters bullpen from kitchen.)
Dwight Schrute
Great.
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. (hangs up phone)
Jim Halpert
No-no-no-no-no.
Dwight Schrute
Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?
Jim Halpert
(swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork) Is this yours or mine?

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!

Scene 14

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Good Lord! (Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop) I can't believe I'm missing this.
Pam Beesly
It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. (hangs up phone)
Dwight Schrute
Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?
Jim Halpert
It is. Big time.
Dwight Schrute
Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.
Jim Halpert
Pretty amazing.
Dwight Schrute
What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.
Jim Halpert
Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Dwight Schrute
I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Jim Halpert
Is that what happened to you?
Dwight Schrute
I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.
Jim Halpert
That's a common mistake.
Dwight Schrute
Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.

Scene 15

4 lines
Angela Martin
Hey! (Erin sneezing at desk) Are you sick?
Erin Hannon
Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela Martin
In your nose?
Erin Hannon
Yes. (Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on)

Scene 16

1 line
Erin Hannon
I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six.

Scene 17

37 lines
Jo Bennett
Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like.
Michael Scott
That is a great idea JB.
Jo Bennett
Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Kevin Malone
Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap.
Jo Bennett
You know it doesn't have to be an invention.
Oscar Martinez
I have a question.
Michael Scott
Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Oscar Martinez
In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?
Jo Bennett
I am so proud of Sabre's "Print In All Colors" initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. (Kelly applauds) Daryl?
Michael Scott
Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...
Jo Bennett
Okay hush now.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in.
Jo Bennett
But you wouldn't need more trucks?
Darryl Philbin
Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.
Jo Bennett
Oh look at you.
Michael Scott
Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Jo Bennett
(Looks over his proposal) I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?
Darryl Philbin
Are you serious?
Jo Bennett
Yeah. Take Jim's old office.
Gabe Lewis
Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
Jo Bennett
Yeah, I want to hear more from you.
Darryl Philbin
Absolutely.
Jo Bennett
All right.
Darryl Philbin
Thank you.
Jo Bennett
Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!
Michael Scott
Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!
Jo Bennett
Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away.
Michael Scott
Well, I am heading down there.
Jo Bennett
Well, anytime now.
Michael Scott
How about July 4th weekend? (Reveals paper ticket)
Jo Bennett
Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?
Michael Scott
I did!
Jo Bennett
Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?
Michael Scott
You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -
Jo Bennett
Enough!
Michael Scott
All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm.

Scene 19

1 line
Darryl Philbin
(singing) Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky...

Scene 20

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.
Jo Bennett
No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
Michael Scott
No is not an option.
Jo Bennett
Yes it is.
Michael Scott
All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Jo Bennett
How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?
Michael Scott
(laughs) I'll be over there.

Scene 21

24 lines
Jim Halpert
And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
Dwight Schrute
(Whispers) Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
My headphones are broken.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Dwight Schrute
Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Jim Halpert
Yeah that's great. Great.
Dwight Schrute
Okay? (Unplugs cord, sings) "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-"
Jim Halpert
(Overlapping) When's the last time you upgraded your printer?
D
"- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-"
Jim Halpert
(Whispers) Please stop that!
Dwight Schrute
"-But we'll be together then-"
Jim Halpert
Can you grow up?
Dwight Schrute
"-Dad, you know we'll have a good time then."
Jim Halpert
(Turns off Dwight's music) Whether it's this time or next time.
Andy Bernard
(Vocalizes and continues song) "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon"
Jim Halpert
(On business call) Yeah.
Andy & Dwight
(Singing, Dwight supplies beats) "Little boy blue and the man in the moon."
Jim Halpert
No, we definitely can talk about it in the next--
Andy & Dwight
"When you coming home Dad?
Jim Halpert
You know, can I call you back?
Andy & Dwight
"I don't know when-"
Jim Halpert
That would be great, thank you.
Andy & Dwight
"But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-"

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
(On phone in hallway) No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home.

Scene 23

1 line
Jim Halpert
I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.

Scene 24

7 lines
Erin Hannon
This fax came for you. (Coughs)
Jo Bennett
Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?
Erin Hannon
Uh...
Jo Bennett
Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.
Erin Hannon
Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.
Jo Bennett
Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay?
Erin Hannon
Well... (Jo closes door on her)

Scene 25

1 line
Andy Bernard
She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?

Scene 26

9 lines
Jo Bennett
Yes?
Andy Bernard
I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. (Turns feint)
Jo Bennett
Oh! You're sick! (Andy coughs) Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
Andy Bernard
No, no, no, no, no.
Jo Bennett
Get everybody sick in the office.
Andy Bernard
I have some good ideas...
Jo Bennett
We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now.
Andy Bernard
You sure?
Jo Bennett
You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.

Scene 27

9 lines
Michael Scott
Very nice.
Darryl Philbin
Not bad, huh?
Michael Scott
A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Darryl Philbin
I impressed her with my good ideas.
Michael Scott
Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?
Darryl Philbin
I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Michael Scott
How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?
Darryl Philbin
Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television.
Michael Scott
Okay. All right.

Scene 28

10 lines
Jo Bennett
Hey there.
Michael Scott
Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Jo Bennett
Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.
Michael Scott
Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.
Jo Bennett
Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...
Michael Scott
Right. What?
Jo Bennett
Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.
Michael Scott
Mm. mm. Oh well.
Jo Bennett
Anything else I can help you with?
Michael Scott
No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. (Exits, closes door, takes off coat.) Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Scene 29

1 line
Kevin Malone
Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Pack-man.
Todd Packer
Hey what's up, Butt-plug?
Michael Scott
How you doing stud? You already there?
Todd Packer
Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.
Michael Scott
How's the lady situation?
Todd Packer
Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Michael Scott
Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Todd Packer
Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!
Michael Scott
Yeah. Maybe next year.
Todd Packer
Maybe next "queer." Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?

Scene 31

5 lines
Erin Hannon
(Opens door, surprised) Oh! Andy!
Andy Bernard
Hi!
Erin Hannon
I'm in my jammy-jams!
Andy Bernard
That's okay, I'm in my "worky-works." You look amazing!
Erin Hannon
Oh, thanks. Come in!

Scene 32

5 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
Kevin Malone
Oh I'm in.
Oscar Martinez
I'm in.
Meredith Palmer
All right. (The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.)
Jo Bennett
Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. (Scoffs) You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. (Jim is silent) No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. (Whistles "Cat's in the Cradle" song)

Scene 34

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening (phone rings) I have...
Jo Bennett
Hello?
Jim Halpert
Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay.
Jo Bennett
Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
Jim Halpert
You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!
Jo Bennett
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Jo Bennett
Sorry Sugar. What'd you want?
Dwight Schrute
Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.
Jo Bennett
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
(pops back into Jo's doorway) Thanks again by the way.

Scene 35

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?
Warehouse guy 1
We're here to bust you out!
Darryl Philbin
I wish, but uh-
Warehouse guy 1
Dude! Your shirt tucked in?
Darryl Philbin
Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it.
Warehouse guy 1
All right.
Warehouse guy 2
See you later.

Scene 36

20 lines
Erin Hannon
Your hand's cold.
Andy Bernard
It is? I'm sorry.
Erin Hannon
Yeah, have some more blanket.
Andy Bernard
Okay, thanks.
Reid
What's up?
Andy Bernard
Whoa!
Erin Hannon
You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid.
Andy Bernard
I didn't know you had a brother.
Erin Hannon
He's my foster brother.
Andy Bernard
Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. (They shake hands)
Reid
Cold hands. (Takes spot next to Erin on love seat)
Andy Bernard
Are we rotating seats, or?
Reid
Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet.
Erin Hannon
Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! (puts her feet in his face)
Reid
Ooh! (Erin giggles)
Andy Bernard
So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?
Erin Hannon
None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.
Andy Bernard
All right. Formative years. (She laughs)
Reid
Nice skirt.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, it's a kilt.

Scene 37

1 line
Night cleaning crew
Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. (They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.)

Scene 38

1 line
Angela Martin
Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.

Scene 39

5 lines
Jo Bennett
Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.
Michael Scott
How late do we have to work tonight?
Gabe Lewis
You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott
Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe Lewis
Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! (Laughs)

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing.

Scene 41

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hello Jo.
Jo Bennett
Anything I can do for you Puddin'?
Michael Scott
There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
Jo Bennett
Hmm.
Michael Scott
I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around.
Jo Bennett
All right then.
Michael Scott
Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. (Starts to leave office) And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Jo Bennett
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jo Bennett
I look forward to that too.

Scene 42

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Ooh. It's coming down out there.
Erin Hannon
Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here.
Andy Bernard
No, I-
Erin Hannon
I'm so sorry I was so sick. (Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.)
Andy Bernard
Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. (They both laugh)

Scene 43

5 lines
Michael Scott
Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!
Meredith & Creed & Oscar & Matt
(cheering Michael)
Michael Scott
Drinks are on me!
Oscar Martinez
No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us!
Michael Scott
Oh -hoh! All right.

Scene 44

3 lines
Michael Scott
Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy."
Todd Packer
Whoops! (Humps Michael)
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. (Meredith joins behind Packer) What the hell is going on back there?

Scene 45

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. (Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk) Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
What the hell is this?
Jim Halpert
Oh!
Dwight Schrute
This is not Mega-Desk.
Jim Halpert
No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.
Dwight Schrute
That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? (Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk)
Dwight Schrute
Hello, Dwight Schrute?