Every line from The Office episode "New Leads", season 6 episode 18.
Michael Scott: Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. (holds up photo) Do you know who that is?
Michael Scott: Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...
Michael Scott: (laughs) I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.
Jim Halpert: Where did you take that?
Michael Scott: In my condo complex.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
Michael Scott: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
Jim Halpert: Sure. That they should do one.
Michael Scott: (feigning accent) Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?
Michael Scott: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
Jim Halpert: John Dillinger.
Michael Scott: No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jim Halpert: Captain Crunch.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?
Jim Halpert: At the Yankees game. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.
Jim Halpert: I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Jim Halpert: ...in your condo complex.
Michael Scott: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
Jim Halpert: M. Night Shulman?
Michael Scott: (speaking at a staff meeting) First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -
Stanley Hudson: When are we getting to sales topics?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?
Michael Scott: Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. (muttering, people rise to leave) No, no, meeting's not over.
Phyllis Vance: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Michael Scott: No sales topic per se.
Andy Bernard: Well then no Andy Bernard per se. (Andy and others begin exiting the room)
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.
Michael Scott: I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight Schrute: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.
Dwight Schrute: When I was asking about the leads.
Dwight Schrute: ... is there any news on the leads?
Michael Scott: Is that all you have to say to me?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! (leaves office) Alright, Dwight out!
Michael Scott: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. (Jim stands in corner, texting)
Jim Halpert: Oh, sorry, wait one second.
Michael Scott: Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.
Jim Halpert: This is actually a big potential sale, so...
Michael Scott: You writing your memoirs over there?
Jim Halpert: You writing your name over there?
Michael Scott: Well, it's a pretty big check.
Jim Halpert: That's good. You know, with the kid.
Michael Scott: Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Jim Halpert: Alright, here we go. (taps page) Michael...
Michael Scott: I'm just saying, that -
Jim Halpert: Michael - (Michael signs) Great.
Andy Bernard: (on phone) Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. (motions to Darryl) Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... (covers phone) I'm making a sale. Sales.
Darryl Philbin: There's other pencil's in this office.
Andy Bernard: Give me that (wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor)
Michael Scott: Honey and jelly sandwich time. (removes lunch from fridge)
Michael Scott: Oh, you got to be kidding me. (holds up squashed sandwich) Look at that. That's -
Darryl Philbin: I know who did that.
Michael Scott: You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?
Darryl Philbin: Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.
Michael Scott: The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Darryl Philbin: Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.
Michael Scott: You don't get it.
Darryl Philbin: You need to get back on top.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Erin Hannon: Something came for you, Michael. (hands him a parcel)
Michael Scott: Thank you very much.
Jim Halpert: What'd you get?
Michael Scott: Ah, just the stupid leads.
Stanley Hudson: About time.
Phyllis Vance: Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. (Michael stares at her incredulously) But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.
Michael Scott: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. (Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud)
Stanley Hudson: We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!
Gabe Lewis: (on phone) Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael Scott: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
Gabe Lewis: Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -
Michael Scott: They act like I have no power.
Gabe Lewis: But you do. You are in charge -
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Gabe Lewis: - of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
Michael Scott: Exactly that.
Michael Scott: Exactly that.
Gabe Lewis: Why do you keep repeating - (Michael hangs up)
Michael Scott: Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! (hands him a lead)
Phyllis Vance: What are you -
Michael Scott: - and to King Meredith! (hands her a lead)
Stanley Hudson: They aren't salespeople!
Michael Scott: And to King Angela! (hands her a lead) Because today we are all kings. And queens (pats Oscar's shoulder).
Phyllis Vance: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Michael Scott: I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis.
Jim Halpert: So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?
Jim Halpert: Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?
Michael Scott: Okay. (passes Jim some index cards)
Jim Halpert: Hey, alright.
Jim Halpert: Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?
Michael Scott: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim Halpert: I don't think you understand -
Michael Scott: I do understand it.
Jim Halpert: (holds up card) This one's a map.
Angela Martin: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.
Phyllis Vance: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
Angela Martin: I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work (hands her a mountain of paperwork)
Phyllis Vance: What are these for?
Angela Martin: It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.
Kelly Kapoor: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -
Stanley Hudson: The Kardashians is a good show.
Ryan Howard: No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?
Kelly Kapoor: It's about a family. A real-life family.
Ryan Howard: No, Stanley, do you -
Pam Beesly: (over phone) Hey baby, what's up?
Jim Halpert: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam Beesly: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim Halpert: Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.
Andy Bernard: Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. (grins) I hid the leads.
Erin Hannon: (mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away) Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. (Andy hovers his hands above her chest) Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.
Andy Bernard: Are you sure?
Erin Hannon: Lower (tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering)
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing, idiot? (Jim is crouched down, peering under a car)
Jim Halpert: Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.
Dwight Schrute: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. (grabs card) 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'
Jim Halpert: (taps car) Lincoln.
Dwight Schrute: The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
Jim Halpert: (holds up the retrieved lead) It involves you too.
Dwight Schrute: The leads are in?
Dwight Schrute: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.
Michael Scott: Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin! Damnit (runs over to Kevin's desk) Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -
Kevin Malone: You are never going to find them.
Kevin Malone: I'm going to enjoy this.
Dwight Schrute: (begins to strangle him) Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Kevin Malone: (muffled) I'm still enjoying it.
Dwight Schrute: Where are they?
Kevin Malone: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
Dwight Schrute: Turn the trash (releases him - Kevin coughs) It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.
Meredith Palmer: (stands up and reaches for her buttons) Okey-dokey.
Kevin Malone: No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.
Meredith Palmer: It's coming off anyway.
Dwight Schrute: (dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner) Clean sack.
Erin Hannon: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.
Dwight Schrute: (dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges) It's empty!
Michael Scott: Wait. What day is today?
Kevin Malone: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.
Michael Scott: Oh my god. Oh my god (takes off running) oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey (chases after garbage van) wait, wait!
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -
Phyllis Vance: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?
Michael Scott: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump."
Stanley Hudson: Not your staff, Michael. You.
Michael Scott: Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -
Toby Flenderson: Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?
Angela Martin: I'm not going. You did this, not us.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit (looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance) Complicit. You were all successories!
Darryl Philbin: That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.
Darryl Philbin: I can't. You know that.
Michael Scott: Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.
Dwight Schrute: I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up.
Dwight Schrute: (looks around dump) This place has gone to hell.
Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.
Kelly Kapoor: (to Oscar) You're adorable. You need to go for it. (Jim enters the break room) I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -
Jim Halpert: Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.
Jim Halpert: Just all the - drama.
Kelly Kapoor: What drama?
Jim Halpert: Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?
Kelly Kapoor: So unnecessary.
Jim Halpert: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?
Jim Halpert: I have new baby pictures.
Kelly Kapoor: Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.
Jim Halpert: She's wearing a onesie (holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm)
Stanley Hudson: If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Jim Halpert: Didn't we kind of start it?
Phyllis Vance: I think you're remembering that wrong?
Phyllis Vance: I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.
Jim Halpert: Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?
Andy Bernard: All those who agree, say aye (all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands) All those opposed -
Jim Halpert: I don't think we need opposed.
Michael Scott: (kicking through rubbish at the dump) You've changed, man.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?
Michael Scott: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
Michael Scott: No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -
Michael Scott: Assistant to the managed him -
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!
Dwight Schrute: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere.
Michael Scott: You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Dwight Schrute: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Michael Scott: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -
Dwight Schrute: Kung-fu movies!
Michael Scott: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -
Dwight Schrute: Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars.
Michael Scott: That's my wife you're talking about, man.
Dwight Schrute: Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? (Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps) You watch it!
Michael Scott: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it (lobs something at Michael)
Michael Scott: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. (they throw volleys of rubbish at each other) No, time out, time out. (Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight) Time in!
Dwight Schrute: No! (lunges for a large wooden spool)
Michael Scott: Don't even think about that (Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.)
Dwight Schrute: (kicks spool) Stop it, get out! That's my spool.
Phyllis Vance: What's the least we can do to make this okay?
Jim Halpert: I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff.
Andy Bernard: And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too.
Phyllis Vance: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Stanley Hudson: That is a dangerous precedent.
Jim Halpert: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, fine. Cash it is.
Andy Bernard: Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches".
Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight. Here we go (picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants) oh god.
Dwight Schrute: Oh (half-heartedly throws something)
Michael Scott: We're never going to find those leads, are we? (they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub)
Dwight Schrute: (surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them) Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.
Phyllis Vance: So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -
Jim Halpert: No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay (others enter) Hey everybody!
Meredith Palmer: (stares at the table filled with treats) Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
Jim Halpert: No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So... (Jim gestures for her to continue)
Oscar Martinez: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Angela Martin: Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Jim Halpert: Yes! We do. (opens box) Eclairs.
Stanley Hudson: (enters room) Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -
Jim Halpert: - two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.
Phyllis Vance: Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.
Stanley Hudson: (beams) This is - nice! (pats Oscar's shoulder) All of us back together.
Michael Scott: This (picks up racquet) Why would somebody throw that out?
Dwight Schrute: Hey (holds up an old sweater) You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?
Michael Scott: Yeah, she does - she loves purple. (Dwight sniffs it) Does it stink?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah (puts it back in the bath tub)
Michael Scott: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:
Dwight Schrute: Hope - grows.
Michael Scott: In the dump.
Dwight Schrute: (drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car) Woo hoo!
Stanley Hudson: Good news that you found our leads?
Michael Scott: No! Better!
Dwight Schrute: We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. (reaches out the window and pats it)
Phyllis Vance: Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only (they both cheer and high-five)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 18 season 6. New Leads is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.