Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

New Leads

Vol. 6 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

When corporate sends over expensive new leads, the sales team lets the power go to their heads, and Michael decides to hide the prize. You can follow the chaos from the scavenger hunt to the literal city dump with every single line from the episode right here. From Dwight and Michael’s trash fight to Andy and Erin's first kiss, all the best quotes are ready for you to browse.

Scene 01

24 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. (holds up photo) Do you know who that is?
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...
Jim Halpert
Is he you?
Michael Scott
(laughs) I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.
Jim Halpert
Where did you take that?
Michael Scott
In my condo complex.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
Michael Scott
I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
Jim Halpert
Sure. That they should do one.
Michael Scott
(feigning accent) Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?
Jim Halpert
Who's that?
Michael Scott
Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
Jim Halpert
John Dillinger.
Michael Scott
No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jim Halpert
Captain Crunch.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?
Jim Halpert
At the Yankees game. Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.
Jim Halpert
I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...
Michael Scott
I know, I know.
Jim Halpert
...in your condo complex.
Michael Scott
I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
Jim Halpert
M. Night Shulman?

Scene 02

11 lines
Michael Scott
(speaking at a staff meeting) First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -
Stanley Hudson
When are we getting to sales topics?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?
Michael Scott
Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. (muttering, people rise to leave) No, no, meeting's not over.
Phyllis Vance
But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Michael Scott
No sales topic per se.
Andy Bernard
Well then no Andy Bernard per se. (Andy and others begin exiting the room)
Michael Scott
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.
Michael Scott
I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight Schrute
You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.

Scene 04

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
When I was asking about the leads.
Michael Scott
M-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
... is there any news on the leads?
Michael Scott
Is that all you have to say to me?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! (leaves office) Alright, Dwight out!

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?

Scene 06

2 lines
Angela Martin
Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.
Phyllis Vance
Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.

Scene 07

12 lines
Michael Scott
Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. (Jim stands in corner, texting)
Jim Halpert
Oh, sorry, wait one second.
Michael Scott
Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.
Jim Halpert
This is actually a big potential sale, so...
Michael Scott
You writing your memoirs over there?
Jim Halpert
You writing your name over there?
Michael Scott
Well, it's a pretty big check.
Jim Halpert
That's good. You know, with the kid.
Michael Scott
Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Jim Halpert
Alright, here we go. (taps page) Michael...
Michael Scott
I'm just saying, that -
Jim Halpert
Michael - (Michael signs) Great.

Scene 08

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(on phone) Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. (motions to Darryl) Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... (covers phone) I'm making a sale. Sales.
Darryl Philbin
There's other pencil's in this office.
Andy Bernard
Give me that (wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor)

Scene 09

13 lines
Michael Scott
Honey and jelly sandwich time. (removes lunch from fridge)
Darryl Philbin
Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, you got to be kidding me. (holds up squashed sandwich) Look at that. That's -
Darryl Philbin
I know who did that.
Michael Scott
You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?
Darryl Philbin
Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.
Michael Scott
The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Darryl Philbin
Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.
Michael Scott
You don't get it.
Darryl Philbin
You need to get back on top.
Michael Scott
That's what she said.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yeah.

Scene 10

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Something came for you, Michael. (hands him a parcel)
Michael Scott
Thank you very much.
Jim Halpert
What'd you get?
Michael Scott
Ah, just the stupid leads.
Jim Halpert
Alright!
Stanley Hudson
About time.
Andy Bernard
Me likey!
Phyllis Vance
Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. (Michael stares at her incredulously) But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.
Michael Scott
Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. (Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud)
Stanley Hudson
We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!

Scene 11

13 lines
Gabe Lewis
(on phone) Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael Scott
Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
Gabe Lewis
Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -
Michael Scott
They act like I have no power.
Gabe Lewis
But you do. You are in charge -
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Gabe Lewis
- of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, good.
Michael Scott
Exactly that.
Gabe Lewis
Good.
Michael Scott
Exactly that.
Gabe Lewis
Why do you keep repeating - (Michael hangs up)

Scene 12

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! (hands him a lead)
Phyllis Vance
What are you -
Michael Scott
- and to King Meredith! (hands her a lead)
Stanley Hudson
They aren't salespeople!
Michael Scott
And to King Angela! (hands her a lead) Because today we are all kings. And queens (pats Oscar's shoulder).
Phyllis Vance
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Michael Scott
I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis.

Scene 13

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Jim Halpert
So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?
Michael Scott
Okay. (passes Jim some index cards)
Jim Halpert
Hey, alright.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Jim Halpert
Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?
Michael Scott
Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim Halpert
I don't think you understand -
Michael Scott
I do understand it.
Jim Halpert
(holds up card) This one's a map.
Michael Scott
Or is it?

Scene 14

5 lines
Angela Martin
Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.
Phyllis Vance
Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
Angela Martin
I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work (hands her a mountain of paperwork)
Phyllis Vance
What are these for?
Angela Martin
It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.

Scene 15

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -
Ryan Howard
It's my -
Stanley Hudson
The Kardashians is a good show.
Ryan Howard
No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?
Kelly Kapoor
It's about a family. A real-life family.
Ryan Howard
No, Stanley, do you -

Scene 16

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(over phone) Hey baby, what's up?
Jim Halpert
I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam Beesly
Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim Halpert
Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies (holds up index cards) - that's just unfair.

Scene 18

3 lines
Jim Halpert
How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.'
Pam Beesly
He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.
Jim Halpert
I love you.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. (cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli) A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally (clue next to Jim reads: 'Now that's Italian!') Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing (cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues) Some people shouldn't be in this business.

Scene 20

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. (grins) I hid the leads.
Andy Bernard
Where?
Erin Hannon
(mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away) Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. (Andy hovers his hands above her chest) Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.
Andy Bernard
Are you...
Erin Hannon
Lower.
Andy Bernard
Are you sure?
Erin Hannon
Lower (tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering)

Scene 21

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing, idiot? (Jim is crouched down, peering under a car)
Jim Halpert
Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.
Dwight Schrute
Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. (grabs card) 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'
Jim Halpert
(taps car) Lincoln.
Dwight Schrute
The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
Jim Halpert
(holds up the retrieved lead) It involves you too.
Dwight Schrute
The leads are in?

Scene 22

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.
Michael Scott
Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'.
Dwight Schrute
Kevin! Damnit (runs over to Kevin's desk) Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -
Kevin Malone
You are never going to find them.
Dwight Schrute
Really.
Kevin Malone
I'm going to enjoy this.
Dwight Schrute
(begins to strangle him) Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Kevin Malone
(muffled) I'm still enjoying it.
Dwight Schrute
Where are they?
Kevin Malone
Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
Dwight Schrute
Turn the trash (releases him - Kevin coughs) It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.
Meredith Palmer
(stands up and reaches for her buttons) Okey-dokey.
Kevin Malone
No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.
Meredith Palmer
It's coming off anyway.
Dwight Schrute
(dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner) Clean sack.
Kevin Malone
What -
Erin Hannon
I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.

Scene 23

1 line
Toby Flenderson
If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.

Scene 24

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges) It's empty!
Michael Scott
Wait. What day is today?
Kevin Malone
Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.
Michael Scott
Oh my god. Oh my god (takes off running) oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey (chases after garbage van) wait, wait!

Scene 25

14 lines
Michael Scott
Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -
Phyllis Vance
Michael, why would we all go to the dump?
Michael Scott
Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump."
Stanley Hudson
Not your staff, Michael. You.
Michael Scott
Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -
Toby Flenderson
Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?
Michael Scott
Really?
Angela Martin
I'm not going. You did this, not us.
Michael Scott
Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit (looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance) Complicit. You were all successories!
Darryl Philbin
That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.
Michael Scott
You can.
Darryl Philbin
I can't. You know that.
Michael Scott
Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.
Dwight Schrute
I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up.

Scene 26

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(looks around dump) This place has gone to hell.
Michael Scott
You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.

Scene 27

12 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(to Oscar) You're adorable. You need to go for it. (Jim enters the break room) I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -
Jim Halpert
Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.
Kelly Kapoor
Why?
Jim Halpert
Just all the - drama.
Kelly Kapoor
What drama?
Jim Halpert
Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?
Kelly Kapoor
So unnecessary.
Jim Halpert
Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.
Kelly Kapoor
I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?
Jim Halpert
I have new baby pictures.
Kelly Kapoor
Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.
Jim Halpert
She's wearing a onesie (holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm)

Scene 28

8 lines
Stanley Hudson
If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Jim Halpert
Didn't we kind of start it?
Phyllis Vance
I think you're remembering that wrong?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.
Jim Halpert
Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?
Andy Bernard
All those who agree, say aye (all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands) All those opposed -
Jim Halpert
I don't think we need opposed.

Scene 29

24 lines
Michael Scott
(kicking through rubbish at the dump) You've changed, man.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?
Michael Scott
Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
Michael Scott
No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -
Michael Scott
Assistant to the managed him -
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere.
Michael Scott
You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Dwight Schrute
I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Michael Scott
Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -
Dwight Schrute
Kung-fu movies!
Michael Scott
You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -
Dwight Schrute
Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars.
Michael Scott
That's my wife you're talking about, man.
Dwight Schrute
Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? (Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps) You watch it!
Michael Scott
If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.
Dwight Schrute
Don't do it (lobs something at Michael)
Michael Scott
No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. (they throw volleys of rubbish at each other) No, time out, time out. (Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight) Time in!
Dwight Schrute
No! (lunges for a large wooden spool)
Michael Scott
Don't even think about that (Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.)
Dwight Schrute
(kicks spool) Stop it, get out! That's my spool.

Scene 30

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
What's the least we can do to make this okay?
Jim Halpert
I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff.
Andy Bernard
And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too.
Phyllis Vance
I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Stanley Hudson
That is a dangerous precedent.
Jim Halpert
Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.
Phyllis Vance
Okay, fine. Cash it is.
Andy Bernard
Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches".

Scene 31

4 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, Dwight. Here we go (picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants) oh god.
Dwight Schrute
Oh (half-heartedly throws something)
Michael Scott
We're never going to find those leads, are we? (they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub)
Dwight Schrute
(surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them) Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.

Scene 32

14 lines
Phyllis Vance
So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -
Jim Halpert
No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay (others enter) Hey everybody!
Meredith Palmer
(stares at the table filled with treats) Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
Jim Halpert
No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So... (Jim gestures for her to continue)
Oscar Martinez
Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Angela Martin
Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Jim Halpert
Yes! We do. (opens box) Eclairs.
Stanley Hudson
(enters room) Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -
Jim Halpert
- two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.
Phyllis Vance
Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.
Stanley Hudson
(beams) This is - nice! (pats Oscar's shoulder) All of us back together.

Scene 33

7 lines
Michael Scott
This (picks up racquet) Why would somebody throw that out?
Dwight Schrute
Hey (holds up an old sweater) You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?
Michael Scott
Yeah, she does - she loves purple. (Dwight sniffs it) Does it stink?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah (puts it back in the bath tub)
Michael Scott
Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:
Dwight Schrute
Hope - grows.
Michael Scott
In the dump.

Scene 34

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car) Woo hoo!
Stanley Hudson
Good news that you found our leads?
Michael Scott
No! Better!
Dwight Schrute
We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. (reaches out the window and pats it)
Phyllis Vance
Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only (they both cheer and high-five)

Scene 35

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(at dump) It's freezing out here.
Erin Hannon
(strips off jacket) Go on. I have warm blood. (tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back)
Andy Bernard
Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met. (Andy and Erin kiss)